Hello, my brave hearts. Welcome to the podcast where I, Dawn Damon, your brave-hearted coach, encourage you, empower you, and fortify you with messages that build your courage. Especially as midlife women, we can have a lot of things that maybe make us feel timid and insecure. We feel a little more invisible than we ever have at any stage of life. But we say no to all of that. We are brave-hearted women, and particularly this month we've been in a September series called Hope, Healing, and a Heart Full of Brave, because that's what we're all about around here at the Brave-Hearted Woman. I wanna offer you hope. You are not done yet. There is so much more to be done from you and through you and for you. Healing, mistakes that we've made, regrets in our hearts, things that we've done, things that have happened to us can be things that happen for us in this season. There's healing and a heart full of brave. No timid heart, no bashful heart, no fearful heart, no heart full of anxiety.

What's in your heart? Do you know? Well, I'm glad that we asked that question because I do offer a complimentary quiz for you. Find out what is in your heart. Hop on over to braveheartedwoman.com. Take the quiz. You'll not only discover what kind of heart you have, brave-hearted woman, but you will also discover a prescription that might help you go from faint heart to brave heart.

So today we're gonna talk about I'm not available for that. In fact, I might even just have you take a BAM. If you're not familiar with that, it's brave action move. And sometimes this next week, when you have to say no, you can say, "No, I'm not available for that." Boundaries aren't rejection. You're setting boundaries. You're being responsible for stewarding your time and your energy in your life. You have worth. You are worth investing in. You know the value that you carry. These are all things that we've talked about in weeks one, two, and three in September. But now you have to protect it. That's what stewarding is: your time, your energy. You get to say no. In fact, here's a sentence I also want you to practice this month.

As you say, "I'm not available for that," you can realize that no is a complete sentence. You don't say, "Oh, I wish I could, but, um, I... Oh, man, I feel terrible that I can't. Oh, bummer, I wish I could. You know what? Let me see if I can move some things around on my calendar." And you're kind of waiting that they're gonna say, "Oh, no, no, don't do that. I, I'm not gonna ask you to do that." But they're not gonna say that. They're gonna let you move things. They're gonna let you inconvenience you so that they can be inconvenienced by you. So you can just say, "I'm not available for that." Look at how wonderful that flowed just now. Can you say that? Can you later on take a brave inner heart investigation, a BIHI. Ask yourself, sit with that just for a moment, "Do I have enough courage to say no? Or are people taking advantage of me, running over me, because I don't have the courage, I don't have the fortitude? I'm afraid that they'll feel rejected. I'm afraid. I'm afraid. I'm afraid I'll lose their friendship, their relationship. They'll get mad at me." Those are not good reasons to be saying yes, and we all know the right answer is that if they're gonna reject you for saying no, then I have to ask what kind of good friend they are? What kind of church relationships do you have, or friendships, or what's going on with your kids that you can't say no? So we need to practice this. We need to learn this.

And so here are our four points for today. Every yes costs you something. Your time isn't unlimited. You know, people used to say when they were in their senior years, when I was younger, in my 30s or whatever, they'd say, "I'm busier now than I ever have been." And I don't really like the word busy, but I like to say I'm fully engaged. But I would think, you're doing what? You're not, you're not even hardly working. What are you busy doing? But now that I am here and in this season of life, I'm like, wow, I am fully engaged in the things that God has called me to. My time isn't unlimited. I have a full schedule, but my energy isn't unlimited either, and neither is yours. We don't just get to pull from this source of endless energy.

Although I say that, I know that we do have God, but even God rested on the seventh day. We need rest. Come on. We know we do. And we don't move quite as fast as we did when we were in our 20s, 30s, even 40s. And your attention isn't unlimited. I don't know how many things you can focus on and still do well, but I find that I have more clarity and more impact when I'm focused. Not doing a bunch of stuff, not going wide, but really focusing in. In fact, that's what I'm trying to do in the ministry that I'm engaged in right now, is really saying, I wanna offer this. I don't want my message to be diluted. I want you to know, bravehearted woman, you are called by God. You can do hard things through Jesus Christ. You have a dream in you. It shouldn't be dormant. You need to live your purpose because you don't want to die with regret. Regret is the most painful thing ever, and let's not do it. So every yes that you say is really a no to something else. I learned that many, many, many, many years ago. Every yes is a no to something or someone else. Remember that.

Second thing I wanna share with you today is that guilt isn't always a sign that you've done something wrong. You know, we know there's real guilt, and then there's perceived guilt. Sometimes guilt is just simply what happens when you stop doing what everyone has accustomed, everyone has become accustomed to you doing. When you stop doing what everybody expects you to do, you feel some guilt. You feel like you're letting people down. You feel like you're disappointing everyone. You feel like you're the reason that they don't have happiness.

Well, I want to help you release the responsibility for everybody. You're not responsible for people. You can act responsibly towards them. Don't lie, and don't be late, and don't quit on your commitments. Have follow-through on things that you've committed to. Be a responsible kind of person, but you're not responsible for them. I am not the reason why you are successful or not successful. I'm not the reason why you win or don't win. I'm not the reason why you find yourself in victory or defeat. That's on you. You are responsible for your life. I'm responsible for mine. Do you see the powerful distinction there? So when you stop doing what you're accustomed to, you might feel this guilt, but it, it's temporary, and you do need to do some good self-talk at that moment and remind yourself, "I am right before God. My actions are just, and I'm not responsible, so I can say no to this thing." "Mom, can you drive the kids to school on Wednesday?" If you can, yay. But if you have to change your whole world and everything upside down, your kids are resourceful. They'll find another... You're just the first pass. You're just the easy. But you can say, "I'd love to, but I'm not able to." Perfect sentence.

Three, boundaries don't make you selfish. They make relationships healthier because people know how and when they can expect what from you. They enjoy knowing what you stand for. They enjoy knowing that you have healthy boundaries, and that you are going to be forthright, you're going to be conscientious, and you're going to be honest with them, and you're also gonna be generous.

When you can do something, you'll say yes, and when you can't, you'll say no. This actually helps people know when to ask you for something and know when not to, or just know that when you s- when you say no, they learn, "No, she's not rejecting me; she just, she just literally can't, otherwise she would say yes." They don't make you selfish. Boundaries keep you healthy. They keep your relationships healthy. They steer you away from toxicity and things that could suck you into a really codependent situation and an unhealthy situation.

Boundaries aren't meant to be walls. They're not meant to be obstructions that can't be overcome. Boundaries are meant to be guardrails, so that they just keep you safe in your lane, so you aren't building a wall around yourself that says, "Don't talk to me. Don't intrude on my time. I'm more important." That's not what you're doing. You're just saying, "This is what's on my schedule. This is a guardrail for me, for my time, my energy, my finances, my resources. And if I can do it, I will, but if I can't, I'll say no." That's that. It's that easy.

Okay. Four, you can love people without giving them unlimited access to you. What? Yes. You can love people. You can love your children. You can love your church. You can love your friends. You can love your work. You can love your family. You can love your ministry, and you can still say, "I'm sorry, that doesn't work for me." And you can even drop the sorry. See, I added that. You can just say, "That doesn't work for me." And that's a complete sentence. It really is. I'm encouraging my own self with this. I'm learning my own self that I have a tendency to wanna please everybody because I'm called to the ministry of help. I'm a pastor at heart. I'm gonna shepherd people. I'm gonna put my arm around you and bring you in.

But I also have to learn these principles because it keeps me and sustains me in the ministry, instead of letting the enemy get in my head and cause me to burn out or get bitter or whatever might happen. You can still say, "That doesn't work for me, and I love you." It's not opposite messaging. It's still the same message.

So here's our Bravehearted challenge. What about a boundary audit? How well do you do at setting boundaries? You know, and this first question will give it away, but when my children were little, and they asked me something, "Mom, can we go do this?" or, "Can we buy that?" or, "Can we have this?"

Well, one time they were asking for something; I don't remember now what it was, but I sure do remember their response. Because I said, "We'll see," and they started jumping up and down with glee and joy, and they were like, "Yay, she said we'll see. Yay." And I looked at them, and I'm like, "I said we'll see." But see, in their little mind, that already meant yes, it's gonna happen. She said, We'll see. In other words, we know if Mom says that, we got her. We're gonna guilt her. We're gonna beg just enough. We're gonna whine about it just enough. It's gonna happen. So do a boundary audit. Where are you? Saying yes when I really want to say no? Giving more than I'm able to give. Allowing someone else's urgency to become my emergency. I used to have a friend whose husband would say to her, "Your failure to plan is not an urg- not an emergency on my part. Your failure to plan on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part." Allowing someone else's urgency or failure to plan to become your emergency- do you do that?

Do you make excuses for someone else's poor behavior? Do you allow your schedule to be controlled by everyone else and their priorities? So choose one boundary to establish this week. I'd like to hear about it. Write me at [email protected]. Tell me about it. I need to set a boundary. This week I did it. I'd love to hear about that.

And thank you to all of you who have mentioned how much you enjoyed the quiz and how insightful it was for you. Haven't taken it yet? Stop over at braveheartedwoman.com and take the quiz. Find out what kind of brave-hearted woman you are. But as I close, I just wanna remind you that you do not need to apologize for pri- protecting and prioritizing the life that God has entrusted to you. It's your stewardship. It's your reasonable act of worship, protecting and stewarding the life that God has given you. That's what you need to do. It's been wonderful to be with you, brave-hearted women. I look forward to coming to you again next week as we round up our September series, Hope, Healing, and a Heart Full of Brave.

This is Dawn Damon, your brave-hearted coach. I would love to hear from you. Again, write me at [email protected]. And I'll leave you like I always do, friends. It's time for you to find your brave and live your dreams!