This episode is a cult-classic Christmas radio show I recorded while in film school in 2006. It’s performed in character and marks the first appearance of Feffrey, then called Nigel. Weird, unhinged, and very much a departure from my usual episodes. Listener discretion advised.

Please show some support for the podcast and get access to some extra content by subscribing to the Patreon page: http://www.patreon.com/onefjef

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You can also call the podcast and leave a voicemail at 1-669-241-5882 and I will probably play it on the air.

Thank you for listening, please do it again, but while eating candy canes.

Onefjef is produced, edited & hosted by Jef Taylor.

Bubby, when? What's your favourite thing about Christmas?

Oh my goodness, that's interesting. What's your least favourite thing about Christmas?

Sounds like Bubby’s got some friends!

This is episode 29 of onefjef.

29 is a prime number that tends to show up when neat systems start to strain.

February only reaches 29 when the calendar needs correcting,

and the lunar month lands at about 29 and a half days, which is why early time keeping was never clean.

It sits just beyond 28.

A number long-treated as complete, giving 29 the feel of spillover rather than closure.

The extra beat after a cycle should be done.

Hello my friends, Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, so forth.

I hope you're all thriving, as always.

I'm digging into my archive this week and playing a Christmas radio show that I recorded 19 years ago when I was in film school in Savannah, Georgia.

It's the first appearance of a character who I now call Feffrey but who in this radio show goes by Nigel.

This episode is definitely a departure from my normal content, but it's Christmas, and this radio show has a bit of a cult status among some of my friends.

So it feels appropriate to share it with the world now that I have a place to share it.

And speaking of Christmas, if you've been enjoying this podcast over the last seven months, please consider giving me the gift of a small donation by way of my Patreon page.

As little as $5 a month and you get access to a bunch of extra content, and you'll help support the show, which I gift you for free every week.

Simply go to patreon.com/onefjef and sign up.

And thank you as always to my current Patreon subscribers. I really do appreciate the support.

Just as a disclaimer, what you're about to hear was recorded 19 years ago, and I'm playing a character.

So any opinions and beliefs expressed by that character are not mine. They're Feffrey's.

There's also quite a bit of offensive language in there, so this one might not be for the kids, or my mom. Consider yourself warned.

And there's also music in the original radio show, which I've had to cut on here so that Spotify doesn't get mad at me.

This is going to be a divisive episode, and I'm okay with that.

Thank you for listening. Thank you for being here.

Here's Candy Canes. Recorded on December 8, 2006.

Ding dong is Christmas! Hello everyone, it's me again, Simbaland.

And I'm here with you on the radio to tell you about Christmas stories.

All right, one story is two years ago on Christmas, my brother died.

Bling, bling, bling, long. Oh! Oh, it's silly. It's silly it is. Seriously though.

Ladies and gentlemen, Christmas is a magical time of year.

One time on Christmas, I got a sandwich from my uncle.

Oh, he was at a delicious cheese sandwich with mayonnaise and cheddar cheese.

Oh, blind me. It was fucking delicious.

Oh, another time on Christmas. I got a cheese.

Oh, just a moment. I got a candy cane. Oh, it looks candy canes.

Bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, that's the candy cane noise.

Every time you hear that noise, you'd think of candy canes.

Candy canes! Candy canes! Candy canes were invented.

Oh, a pint. A mint. I don't know.

Okay, it's Christmas song.

Nope, nope, nope. It's not the best. Nope. Nope. It's not the candy canes song.

Nope. Nope. There it is. Candy canes. Candy canes. Candy canes.

I think, alright. So, as I was saying last two years ago on Christmas, my brother died.

Dingling, dong dong dong. His name was Dibi. Dibi and I wanted to die.

Oh, I forget. He took the candy cane. Oh, dingling, ding dong. Candy canes.

This is falling to pieces. I had, um, got to think.

Alright. You know another thing I would like about Christmas.

Is gummy. Gummy sweets. And uh.

Oh, weather. Weather. Okay. In the weather tonight it'll be.

Since the sleigh is going to be difficult to...

Oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh, it's going to be chilly.

Okay. Chili.

Alright. Now it's time for segment on the show.

I like to call trivia game time with candy.

Not candy cane, just candy. Alright.

We're going to give Dean a call to see what he knows the answer to the trivia question.

Can you hear it ringing, dingling? Here he is.

Ringy dingy. Let's see if he's out. Ringy ding ding dong.

Ringy ding ding dong. Ringy dong. Ringy ding ding dong.

Ringy ding ding dong. Ringy ding dong.

He's not answering his phone. He needs an asking the question about Christmas.

Nope. No answer.

No candy cane for pain. Oh, shit.

Maybe. Welcome to Verizon. No.

Blimey. Alright. Let's try somebody else.

Okay. Let's try Colleen. Let's see if Colleen will answer.

Here we go. Oh, it sounds busy. Let's try it again.

Jesus, take your other video. Here we go.

Ringy ding ding dong. Ringy ding ding dong. Ringy ding ding dong. Ringy ding ding do.

Hello Colleen. Yes. I want a little radio show and I have a question about Christmas.

Colleen. What would you answer the question about Christmas? You're on the air.

What about the radio show and Christmas? You have to answer the question about Christmas.

Okay. Are you ready?

Yeah. Alright. Who invented the candy cane?

30 seconds.

i don't know........it's that someone.....

who is that tell me

is he homosexual now?

i think he knows

o응 , he is dead

who invented the candy cane ?

i just think

quickly

who invented the candy cane bro?

no no no i'm sorry i'm sorry

sorry

no it wasn't

no it's a bruise

what?

i was a bit of a bad thing

it was a bruise

oh alright

ok i don't know

what you....

oh boy

bruise

well no i'm sorry

no it's not bruising

but it's very thank you for playing

um we'll send you a....

i was i was giving away

we're giving away candy cane

you want candy cane?

no wait

no no no no

what that's the prize?

i don't know

do you want to choose

do you want to choose sandwich?

we have two sandwiches

i'll send you it in the mail

i don't want to

bring a tree sandwich to you

oh god

send you a bring it

the name of this bio is the candy cane

you can use it because of

a lot of people

got rid of all the stuff

and stuff

so send you a bring your tree sandwich

do you want to do it?

do you want to do it?

do you want to do it?

alright that was calling

answering about Bruce Simonston

uh not the inventor of the candy cane

alright isn't it a song?

oh god

oh god

okay that was

Elvis Prittle with

you're coming

center claws

ding dong ding dong

alright

let's try

we have not gotten in and

stuff for a trivia game

happy time

so let's give another call

to

computer store

oh i've had too many candy cane

to be a winning them

and even paper

had to get down

correct

where's the computer store?

alright

here we go

we have a lot of candy cane

and we have a lot of candy cane

and we have a lot of candy cane

and we have a lot of candy cane

and we have a lot of candy cane

and we have a lot of candy cane

and we have a lot of candy cane

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and we have a lot of candy cane

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and we have a lot of candy cane

and we have a lot of candy cane

and we have a lot of candy cane

and we have a lot of candy cane

and we have a lot of candy cane

and we have a lot of candy cane

and we have a lot of candy cane

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and we have a lot of candy cane

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and we have a lot of candy cane

and we have a lot of candy cane

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and we have a lot of candy cane

and we have a lot of candy cane

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and we have a lot of candy cane

and we have a lot of candy cane

and we have a lot of candy cane

and we have a lot of candy cane

and we have a lot of candy cane

and we have a lot of candy cane

and we have a lot of candy cane

and we have a lot of candy cane

and we have a lot of candy cane

and we have a lot of candy cane

and we have a lot of candy cane

and we have a lot of candy cane

and we have a lot of candy cane

and we have a lot of candy cane

and we have a lot of candy cane

and we have a lot of candy cane

and we have a lot of candy cane

and we have a lot of candy cane

and we have a lot of candy cane

and we have a lot of candy cane

and we have a lot of candy cane

and we have a lot of candy cane

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and we have a lot of candy cane

and we have a lot of candy cane

and we have a lot of candy cane

and we have a lot of candy cane

and we have a lot of candy cane

and we have a lot of candy cane

and we have a lot of candy cane

and we have a lot of candy cane

and we have a lot of candy cane

and we have a lot of candy cane

and we have a lot of candy cane

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and we have a lot of candy cane

and we have a lot of candy cane

and we have a lot of candy cane

and we have a lot of candy cane

and we have a lot of candy cane

and we have a lot of candy cane

and we have a lot of candy cane

that's interesting what's your least favorite thing about Christmas?

It sounds like Bubby's got some friends. Okay back to the music in a moment.

Um, Bubby, why don't you like me anymore? No?

Yes? No?

Oh! Did you hear that last one?

That was the last one. All right.

Um, I don't have anything else to say.

Okay, this is a Christmas song about Santa Claus. Okay, okay.

There we go with the trivia time game continued.

Search for the winner of the game. Let's try calling D to gain.

No. Yes! Okay, here we go. See if we can get an answer to our trivia game.

Here we go. Ring-a-ding-ding-ding-dong. Ring-a-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding. Hello, Dane! Hello, Dane! Hello, Dane! Hello, Dane! Yeah, we're having a trivia game on the radio. Would you like to answer the question?

Yeah. Okay, are you ready? Yeah. Okay, who invented candy cane? Who invented candy cane?

What's that candy cane? Who invented candy cane?

Oh, it invented candy cane? Okay. It's candy cane.

No, no, no, sorry. Would you like another guess? It's not the candy, ma'am. It's different.

Okay. Would you like another guess? No. You could win a candy cane. Okay. Do you want to win a cheese sandwich?

Yes. Okay. Just again. Give it to another try. Who invented candy cane?

No, no. It's a fictional character. All right. He's not real. One more try. One more try. I'll give you another go.

Who invented candy cane? Who is it? I'm...

Five seconds. Who? No! What the hell is it? Indian, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. They keep it playing. Thank you. Good boy.

Oh another loser nobody knows who invented candy cane. Oh boy this is going to be a long program I believe.

Ding ding ding dong that means it's time for another song. Ding ding ding dong time for a song. Ding ding ding dong time to play a song. Ding ding ding dong.

Let's try one more. Let's see if somebody else knows what a candy cane. Let's call Ryan to see what he says.

Thank you. Oh Ryan. Calling Ryan. See what he says. All right.

Here he comes.

Here we are. Ding ding dong.

Hello yes Ryan you're on radio and I have a trivia game would you like to play?

Sure. Okay. Who invented are you ready?

Yes. Who invented candy cane?

Robin B candy.

No which it's not correct.

No it's not right would you like another try?

Thomas B candy cane.

No you're off track it's not Thomas is wrong.

We're giving away candy canes would you like to win one?

You'll get one more chance to win a candy cane if you can't do for inventive candy canes.

Who wants it? I'm sick of it.

No yes.

Help. Help.

No I'm sorry you lose you lose no candy cane for you.

All right well it's certainly going to be a long night and here's the oh wrong one.

Ding ding ding dong time for a song. This time for real.

*sad music*

Bring it on! Here we are again!

Blu-blu-blu-blu-blu!

Blu-blu-blu!

It's Christmas again! It's still Christmas!

And we still don't have a winner for the Trevor again!

*sad music*

Buh-buh!

Okay!

So we're going to call...

Em-let's see who we should call!

Quite a kitty!

We will call...

...Dibby don't!

This game we tried earlier, but she wouldn't have to phone!

Let's see if it's here this time.

See us gently know the answer to the crib is again.

I hope so!

Let's see if it's just the phone!

Ding-a-ding-a-ding-dong!

And we're moving you through the phone goalie!

*sad music*

Hey!

Hello, Christine! I'm on the radio and I have a trivia game question for you.

Are you all right?

I have a trivia... oh... trivia...

Hello!

Hello!

Hello, Christine!

Would you like to play the trivia game?

A trivia game?

Yes, it's for the radio. I'm on the radio and I have a trivia game!

Are you ready?

Yeah!

Who invented CandyKey?

Oh...

Okay, it's another one.

Alright.

Are you still on the phone? I don't know!

No, you're going to have a guess so you just have to give up!

Oh, it's been a really long day!

It doesn't matter! Do you want to win?

We're giving away CandyKeyes for the winner!

Do you want to win a CandyKeyes or not?

I don't want a CandyKeyes.

We have G-Stan Witches.

Okay.

Okay, who invented the CandyKeyes?

Um...

Okay, the only thing going to mind was St. Nick.

Santa Closed it, not invent CandyKeyes?

No!

No! Do you want another guess?

No!

Do you want one more guess?

Give it to another try!

Give it to one more try!

Okay, um, we're now.

No! Come on!

Give it to real try!

Oh, no!

Do you want to win a G-Stan Witch or not?

Uh, I just ate, actually.

Ruining Christmas!

Christine! Christine!

I'm a stripper, too!

Who invented CandyKeyes?

I don't know!

Christine!

Listen! Listen to me!

Christine, listen to me!

Christine, what'd you say?

Your speaker's on guard!

Who invented CandyKeyes?

I don't know!

Who did it?

Well then you don't win!

Well, there's another loser.

And here's another song!

[Music]

Alright!

It's almost time for me to finish...

Me Christmas!

Ding, ding, ding, dance!

I just don't care anymore, it's been...

The thing is,

if you do a Christmas show and it goes on too long,

people will get bored!

And they don't want people to get bored!

What you want is people to be fun joy!

For Christmas!

Ding, ding, ding, dance!

And nobody want a CandyKeyes!

Nobody want a CandyKeyes!

See, it's disappointing to me that nobody knows who invented the CandyKeyes!

Who raised all of me friends?

Wolves raised me friends!

Did Jews raise me friends?

Because if Jews raised me friends,

then it makes sense that they wouldn't know who invented the CandyKeyes!

Because Jews don't eat CandyKeyes!

I know that for sure!

Jews eat bagels and set in salmon, I think!

But I don't know what they eat on Christmas!

They don't think it matters what they eat on Christmas!

Because they don't celebrate Christmas!

Ding, ding, ding, dong!

In other news,

Christmas is almost here!

And you know what my favourite thing about Christmas is?

Is the Christmas cards!

Doesn't all like better than getting a big old Christmas card!

And with a picture of people who sent it in a long little note

that says what the people have been doing all year!

Because you know what?

I don't give a shit what you do!

You know what? My fucking brother died!

You know, two years ago, and nobody seems to give a shit!

You know, everybody seems to be like hello!

Last year I went skiing!

La la la!

You know what I did this last year?

I sat around thinking about me dead brother!

How you like that?

What would you think about sending a card out with a picture of me dead brother?

And a big word in the back says, "Oh I did think about me dead brother!"

Would you like that?

I didn't think so!

Alright!

Well,

you would Christmas story!

Alright!

One year on Christmas in 2004,

it was Christmas morning!

I woke up and I went downstairs,

and I went into the kitchen,

and I smelled something funny!

And you know what that funny smell was?

It was me brother's blood and vomit all over the floor!

And I looked down,

and it was a Christmas miracle!

My brother had blown his brains out all over the floor!

Oh! I said to myself,

"Who?"

And he was dead!

And then we didn't open our presents!

Although I got my brother a hanky chief!

But I never gave it to him because he was dead!

But I never gave it to him because he killed himself!

Oh!

Why?

Didn't he ring the horn?

Okay!

So,

to continue the story,

we took my brother to the

creamer's morgue,

and he buried him!

Alright!

Merry Christmas!

[Music]

Oh!

My day!

Did you think?

No more than that down stuff!

We got to finish my Christmas show!

And to finish my Christmas show,

we got to find somebody who knows who invented candy cane!

[Music]

Alright! Let's call Michael in New York City!

See a pinnows who invented candy cane!

Or if you'll answer his ear!

Because normally, he doesn't have to answer his phone!

Let's see if he answers his phone!

Let's make this place for Christmas miracle!

Ding ding dong!

[Music]

Ding ding dong!

Come on! That's your phone!

[Music]

Come on!

Oh!

Nope!

[Music]

Ding ding dong!

No, I mean...

[Music]

No!

Somebody doesn't want to win a candy cane!

[Music]

No! Somebody doesn't want to win a candy cane!

Let's try somebody else!

I'll be going to cold!

Find it!

Out! Let's see!

[Music]

Already called him!

And they won't answer the phone!

New!

Let's see here!

Nope! Nope!

[Music]

Let's try! Let's try Joanna!

Let's see if she answers his phone!

She normally doesn't have to answer his phone!

Ding ding dong!

This is a phone! Hello!

Oh! No!

[Music]

Ding ding dong!

[Music]

[Music]

[Sigh]

Christ!

Get in tired of this here!

Just as you are!

I mean, we're all getting tired of you!

Open answer their phone!

[Music]

You have read!

Now fucking hell!

Alright, who are we going to try now?

Let's see here!

I'm running out of friends!

Oh, let's try Sarah!

Let's try Sarah's phone!

Oh, I'll try her cellphone hit!

Errrr...

Oh, let's try Kirsten!

[Music]

Kirsten, see if she answers her phone!

Alright, here we go!

It's very exciting! I think we all understand the excitement going on there!

Yeah! Alright, here we go!

[Music]

Ding ding ding dong!

Alright!

[Music]

You can feel the tension, can't you?

[Music]

[Music]

Oh, I'm getting bored!

[Music]

[Music]

Christ almighty, there's nobody home!

It's fucking Christmas!

It's bloody Christmas and nobody's answering their fucking phone!

[Music]

God damn it! It's fucking Christmas and nobody finds their fucking phone!

Alright, we're going Ryan!

Let her yaistick!

Here we go!

See if he answered his fucking phone!

[Music]

No, nobody, a teacher, a teacher!

And nobody will have to taste the phone!

[Music]

Bloody hell, fucking ridiculous!

[Music]

Hey, Jeff!

Hello Ryan, it's not Jef! It's Nigel!

We're calling with the Christmas, uh, Christmas trivia game!

Would you like to play?

Sure!

Alright, are you ready?

Yes!

It's a Christmas trivia game!

You could win something!

Okay!

Are you ready to play?

I'm ready!

Alright, who invented the candy cane?

[Music]

[Music]

Really want to go?

No, no, no! You're the second person to guess that!

And it's not correct!

Would you like another try?

[Music]

Yes!

I can try!

Alright, who invented the candy cane?

[Music]

Oh!

[Music]

Come on!

Really want to go?

No, you just...

Ryan, do you want to win a candy cane?

We're giving away candy canes!

You're not going to win what was that attitude?

[Music]

No, I don't want one!

sandwich. Yep. I have to get you admitted to that, too. No, you have sent a guess to

Inventors to candy cane! I'll give you one more try. I'll give you one more guess. This is

the last one. Are you ready? Yeah. Who invented the Candy Cane! No you-- Oh, damn

it. No! Do you really think that's who invented it? Are you just being silly? I don't know who invented

it. Why didn't you say so at the beginning instead of wasting our time?

Blind me. There's no people. Nobody knows who invented anything. I've had it. Blind me.

People are just ruining Christmas for me. And I don't particularly care for the attitude

of people who would-- The show is over. All right? Nobody guessed the right answer. And I'm

not good to tell you who it is either. I'm not good to tell you. Because you know, you'll

have to fucking look it up and learn next year, and then you maybe get to try it. That's

if-- Perhaps if my question is the same. But maybe I won't ask who invented the candy

cane next year. Maybe you'll all be fucked. Maybe you'll all be a fucking shit creed with no

fucking paddle. And nobody will have a fucking candy cane or a cheese God damn sandwich. And I'm

gonna fucking eat them all myself. Merry fucking Christmas to all of your fuckers.

And to all a good night. For the record, there is no evidence of a single known inventor

of candy canes. Don't tell Feffrey. Also, I really don't like candy canes. But Feffrey

does. And that's all that matters. If you have any thoughts or questions or complaints

about this episode, please email me at onefjefpod@gmail.com. You can also email Feffrey at that email

address. Just mention candy canes in the subject line.

If you like the social media, you can follow the podcast on Instagram or Facebook @onefjefpod

and on a bunch of other platforms which you can find in the show notes. It would seem

somewhat bizarre to end this episode with a roomy poem. So I'll just say that I appreciate

you tolerating my odd holiday diversion this week.

And Feffrey does too. Isn't that right, Feffrey? Candy canes! I'll see you next week.

Very good, Jeffrey!