This week I’m joined by Josh Cary as we talk about how he spent 40 years in hiding because of fear. His two children became the catalyst for breaking free and pursuing a different way of life. You wouldn’t guess it by talking to Josh today as he’s fully engaged in life, energized and showing up as his best version. Josh is a business coach, podcast host, speaker and entrepreneur.

We discuss how Josh struggled with worrying about what others thought of him while searching for their approval and permission. Josh shares how he discovered in focusing on who he was, instead of fearing the negative feedback of others he didn’t attract or experience that environment. Josh worked with a coach to ensure there was someone to encourage him towards his life transformation and as a backup if he had received pushback from family or friends. Josh doesn’t leave his life to chance; he takes ownership of his thoughts, actions and speech to ensure each moment is one he is proud of.

Connect with Josh Cary

Website:

https://joshcary.com/

Facebook:

https://www.facebook.com/josh.cary.39/

Instagram:

https://www.instagram.com/joshcaryco/

Connect with Mike Forrester

https://linktr.ee/hicoachmike

Mentioned in this episode:

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This is the living fearless today podcast and show that helps men like you and me,

who are struggling to get unstuck and overcome fear. But with confidently and courageously. I'm your

host and transformation coach, Mike Forrester, helping you create the change you want. Now, join me

as I interview men who have conquered their challenges and soared the success as they spill their

secrets on how they live fearless and today.

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Mike Forrester: Well, hello, and welcome back, my friend. This week, I have Josh carry with me,

Josh is absolutely amazing. I'm so ecstatic to be connected with him, he reached out to me off of a

previous social media post, where I had put out there about interviewing Joe Sanok. And he had done

the same. And so I was totally over the moon when he reached out found out the the similarities in

our stories. And man, like Josh is a business coach, speaker, a podcast host, an entrepreneur, and

most importantly, a vanquisher of fear and anxiety. And I'm so pumped to have him share with you

just his story and where he's at. So, if you would, Josh, how are you doing today, my friend? I

believe you know how I'm doing, but I will just verbalize it. I am. So good. Thank you for the invite,

and for this dialogue. My pleasure. Thank you for coming on and joining me and I'm excited to dig in.

So if we could Josh, can we talk about where you are today, on the personal side of things?

Josh Cary: I would love to.

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And of course, I say that because by design. And I know you can relate. And I know the listener can

relate. But by design, I'm so ecstatic with where I am today, because for 40 plus years, I wasn't

this way, right. And we'll get into where I was, of course. But today, I'm the co founder of a few

businesses, most of them in the podcast space. And that's because I found podcasting as a way to

really save my life. I credit that medium with, you know, I say with a wink and a nod that it gave

me a voice. But I mean that right, the podcast space really gave me the confidence that I needed to

become the best that I've always been capable of being. I'm the co founder of pod Max, which is a

training and event company in the podcast space. I have my own show 225 Plus episodes going strong.

And I'm the founder of carry Studios, which is really a training and marketing firm, where we help

executives and founders, master the mic, we train them up, get them the best polished appearances

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that they can, and then we take those appearances and help them with their marketing initiatives.

Very cool. So you just said something that I want to dig into really hard there. You said that

podcasting saved your life, like Can you expound upon that, please, of course, to connect some of

the dots. Today, as you know, I'm the hidden entrepreneur, because I spent 40 plus years hiding,

showing up in every situation, hiding my true talent, my true ability in exchange for seeking the

approval of others. I went out into the world as a very young child claiming that I wanted to fit in

but deep down I felt like I didn't so what do we do, we perhaps subconsciously go out and we

validate our true beliefs, which for me, it was that I don't fit in. Nobody wants me around. And I'm

not good enough that whole belief system. So what do you do you wind up attracting those scenarios?

While claiming? No, I want somebody to approve of me. And that was the frustration right? That

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caused a lot of the angst and the a lot of the fear, the anxiety, the frustration all of my life,

knowing full well what I'm capable of, but choosing to cower and you know, cower in the corner, the

difference of that, and I didn't want to challenge anybody's expectations of me, which I thought to

be minimal. So I said well, okay, I'm just gonna prove you right. I don't want to conflict. I don't

want to tell you you're wrong.

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Josh Cary: That's not the quickest route to gaining approval. So if I just show you how right you

are you think so little of me, I'll prove you, right. And then here I was, but again, even just

saying, it really chokes me up because I know what I'm capable of, because we're all capable of the

most magnificent things. And here I am today, proving that finally to myself, with the help of my

two adoring children, today, I have an eight year old daughter, a six year old son, who helped me

realize early on that I see what's happening here. I in fact, was the child in that circle. And I

was the one who had growing up to do. And I took that revelation very seriously.

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Mike Forrester: So how did they help you to discover that? I mean, like, what was that? That

epiphany, that catalyst that just kind of shed light on you playing a certain way to other people's

expectations that you decided to snap out of that and pursue that. That different Josh, that you'd

been hiding?

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Josh Cary: Well, I'll preface it to say that we all know whether we choose to acknowledge it, or

believe it, we know it, that's the way we're designed, right? We feel it in our core in our gut, in

our soul in our being, whatever you choose to believe, we feel it. And there was all of this noise

in my head. And I use that word very specifically, because I have another process we can get into

called f that noise. Forget that noise, which is just all the self talk we have in our head that is

designed to drown out the truth of the matter, which is our own capability. So I finally figured out

the five step process, and Oh, s e noise to to get rid of the noise in our heads, but not to get too

far ahead. The question was about my children. I've always known that I wanted to be a father, I

said, you know, I probably want to be a father one day, I probably enjoy it. I like it. I'll

appreciate it. And lo and behold, I got the great pleasure. I'm the father of these two adoring

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children. So how did I know? Because every day I would look at them and know that I can't continue

to be this angry, miserable, depressed person that they're seeing and witnessing firsthand, I'm

better than this. I've always known that I'm better than this. It's one thing to sort of do it to

yourself, when you're not directly affecting anybody else, let alone two small children that look to

you for guidance. And one day, we're playing Candyland. And again, this is on top of daily knowing

that I can do more for them. And I'm just not exercising the most that I can here. We're playing

Candyland. And I'm barely concentrating because miserable, angry, depressed. And apparently in that

last round in that last spin, I won. But in that moment, I just felt so overrun with emotion that I

start tearing up and I put my hands in my head in my head in my hands. And I just start, you know,

crying really. And my daughter looks at me and she says, Daddy, why are you crying? You won. And it

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was just such a moment that put everything into perspective. It was so poetic. And I said to myself,

I said, I'm not now's the time, right? It's it's, Oh, it's this is it. I've got to do better. I've

got to be better. So you asked how did podcasting save my life? So at that moment, I knew that I had

to put better choices in place, everything we do is a choice, whether we admit that or not. It's our

choice. And I was running a digital marketing agency. And just like all of my life, I attracted the

people and circumstances that would validate what I believed, which is nobody wants me around, I

don't fit in. And this business of mine, like any other relationship became toxic. And I said, Well,

this is probably an easy thing. If I'm going to start making better choices, I should probably look

to leave that business relationship, my own business. So I made that difficult choice. I said, if

I'm going to do better, I have to be better. I have to act better. Let me rip the band aid off. I

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said, Hey, it's been a great 10 years I gotta go. And I did. I didn't know what was next. Just like

any other relationship that you're going to leave. You don't have to know where what's next but you

know that you can't stay here. So I left I took a few months to just figure out For myself, what was

next? And podcasting came to mind. Now I've interviewed people in the past. And I've always found

myself curious. And I said, podcasting, I'm drawn to it, it's speaking to me, I probably stick with

it, I'd probably do good, I probably meet some really cool people that I can find opportunity

through. If I'm going to work to be my best. Let me see if I can attract a better grouping of

individuals. So then the brand hidden entrepreneur came to mind, I started playing with that, then I

created the hidden Entrepreneur Show. And one, one episode led to two led to three and so on. And

over time, I started appreciating how much I enjoyed it, loving the people I was meeting, seeing

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good out of it started getting confirmation on the other side of the mic, that this had been their

best interview ever. And I said, Yeah, I'm feeling it. Because I'm showing up, I'm not looking for

validation first to then be my best. I started exercising that, and I was getting the validation.

And I said, this is great. Let me go forward with it. I want to be involved in the podcast space, I

want to be a player, I want to be a speaker, I want to do all these kinds of things. And I'm still

going to try to grow a business around it. This was four years ago. And here I am with a handful of

businesses to support that still running strong still finding the passion every day and doing my

best.

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Mike Forrester: So as you're making that change, and I fully get, like how that that takes you to a

different place. As you're stepping away from the business, you're stepping into podcasting and

meeting new people. Did you also then see like your friend network and changing as well, because,

you know, if if we're playing small, we're angry, we're fearful, we're toxic, and we're living up to

those expectations. Did you also find that like when you started stepping out and being the real

Josh, did that kind of create like a dip? Like, we don't get you anymore? Like putting you out of

that circle? You know what I mean? Like they're trying to pull you back in and you're like, Hey,

I've got this tribe over here that I'm starting to meet that now resonates with me, and I'm more

attracted to him, did you see that change,

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Josh Cary: just like my fear, growing up with contradicting your beliefs, and not wanting to rock

your boat and just agreeing with whatever you made of me. I always thought, if I was going to leave

this industry, and start playing powerfully, I thought, well, people are going to retaliate. Because

what happens sometimes is when insecure people see you playing big, they get triggered, and they say

beat mean things and they retaliate. Who do you think you are? Get out of here with that, and they

try to pull you down? So I have to consider that that well? Is this gonna happen again, in the

industry, this is what you're asking. I took time to really find a coach and a mentor, that would

help me through a variety of things, one creating this new brand, the new podcast, a new business

around it. And also, secretly, I didn't tell him this, but I knew that I have to find the right

person, that if and when I start showing up in this new way, are people from my recent past, gonna

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come out and start saying these things. And I said, Well, I've made the commitment to me and to my

children, etc, to no longer hide. So I have to figure it out. And I said, if they start retaliating,

I will lean on him. I'll make a phone call. I'll text him, whatever it is. That'll be my security

blanket. Never had to tell him this. But that was my Mickey right? Rocky and Mickey reference,

right? So I'm in the ring doing my thing. And I had my Mickey that I was relying on. And just like I

believe today, we get exactly what we focus on whether we want it or not. If we're focusing on it,

if you say I don't want that, I don't want that. I don't want that you're focusing on it, you're

going to attract more of the same. Lo and behold, I'm not focusing on the bad people. I'm not

focusing on my past. I'm focusing on my bright future what I'm doing in real time. And to this day,

nobody in that past has retaliated, but I had the strength within me to say if it should happen.

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I'll lean on my mentor to help me through it. But it hasn't been my focus. And I started stacking

much better habits day in and day out over time, slowly but surely from the minute I wake up to the

minute I go to bed, much better habits, you know the deal. And then life has a way of rewarding that

literally,

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Mike Forrester: to confirm what you're saying, you focused on the positive what you were wanting,

not what you were trying to run from and who you had been correct. Exactly. Simple. And then, so is

your is your stepping out and you're going, who is Josh, how are you going about discovering? You

know, I'm imagining you had you were playing with masks the whole time because you're living up to

somebody else's expectation, right? How did you break out of those masks and discover who you truly

are in that process.

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Josh Cary: And by the way, it's no secret why I pursued an acting and film career for 15 years, during

all of that prime time, right on a stage in front of the camera, trying to make people laugh, trying

to get that external applause and accolades doesn't work to fill the void, FYI, but great, 15 year

chunk of my life. So what did I do when I had that moment of clarity that, oh, boy, things have to

change here? How do I do this? Again, we are all very aware whether we choose to focus in on it or

not, who we are what we want and what we're capable of. And I just had the big enough reason to tune

into that. And I said, Okay, well, what am I doing morning, noon and night to shun that, to push

that aside, we all have our vices that are designed to allow us to absorb that fear and forget about

it. And I'm no different. So I looked at that. And I said, The time has come here I go, What is

this? And I said, Well, let me start making better choices. I said, Well, low hanging fruit, I

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should probably stop doing that every single night. That might help, wouldn't it? Maybe if I

approach my afternoons a little differently? Let me see what the people I want to be like the people

who have built empires and are leading the kind of life that I want. How do they attack their

mornings? What are they doing? Let me read up on this. There, everything's out there for the taking.

If you truly want it, and you truly make the choice to gain it. If you don't, if your actions speak

louder than your words, that's all that matters, then you don't want it bad enough, or you haven't

given it the right thought to go forward. And you have to reevaluate. So that's all I did. That's

all I do. Day in and day out. I stack my habits, patterns, thoughts and beliefs on each other to

create one moment, one day, one week, one month, one life that I'm proud of.

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Mike Forrester: So in the beginning, you were just focused on what's my big enough? Why correct to

get through everything?

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Josh Cary: Yeah. And the easy example is my my diet, right? I've always been enough in shape, right?

I'm, I'm five, six, I've always been 140 plus pounds, right? Like I could generally eat what I

wanted and not gain a lot of weight. But that's on the outside. A few years ago, I went to the

doctor for an annual checkup. And what happened, my cholesterol was through the roof. Now at this

point, I was already in the frame of mind that okay, I'm going to live the best I can for me and for

my children. And that's not going to keep me around the longest. So I said, Okay, I'm going to go on

the opposite side of this, and I am going to go all in on a healthy lifestyle. So today, some might

call me extreme, but I don't feel like I'm missing out on the things that I've cut out of my life.

And I love what I eat, because it's important enough for me to know that that quote unquote,

sacrifice or decision is going to potentially no guarantees is potentially going to give me the best

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chance to be around longer and enjoy and I enjoy it.

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Mike Forrester: And I would imagine in in this pursuit, just like when you were growing, you know,

out of your fear when you were transitioning there. Focus on what you do have rather than the lack

and what you're missing, correct?

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Josh Cary: Absolutely. That's a running theme, you get what you focus on whether it's wanted or not.

So I'm not deprived.

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Mike Forrester: You're blessed in what you what you have. And you, you're, you're lifting that up

and keeping it fresh.

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Josh Cary: And I feel great. And it also comes down to understanding that everything we do and say is

a choice. And you have to take responsibility for everything in your life, own it all. And that

gives you the power and the ability.

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Mike Forrester: So can we backtrack to the podcasting saved your life? How would you do when you're

used to playing small? How did you get from that point to where you're at now, Josh, to where you're

confident you, you know, how to go about what you're doing? It's like you're learning a new skill?

And so there's some some uncomfortable awkwardness, I would imagine in that process, how did you get

to the place of confidence from where it's something totally new?

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Josh Cary: Well, the idea starts in your mind, let's understand that it's all the self talk, it's all

what you believe. So to this day, and what I've done for a long time, even before this shift, but

especially this shift, put it into a different perspective, for me, you have to feed your mind and,

and brain good stuff, you have to learn, you have to feel good, you have to educate, and you have to

make those good decisions. So that's what I continue to do is to rely on those positive thoughts and

sounds and mantras that I'm just continuing to feed my myself with. You also want to realize that

failure is is nothing, right? It's it's not failure. It's all learning. So when I came out of the

and then okay, what's the business here? Right? For me, in the very beginning, it was, I'm sure,

like, like, yours looks like mine was a traditional coaching business. I said, Okay, this is, let me

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let me help people do what I've done and what I'm doing. And that was the message. And I just showed

up with that gained some clients around that started continuing to build myself in what I can,

knowing full well, consciously and deliberately that if you're going to continue to feel fear to

this day, there's always elements of fear, which is a good signpost. That's fantastic. If you feel

the fear, congratulations, you're doing everything right. Now. The moment is which direction do you

go now? What are you thinking about it? So for me, I've made it into a game I get very excited. And

then that's you train your body and your your, your your makeup to feel good about the fear, and

then you just take the action through it. So because I had my strong enough why my children that I

want to do this good stuff for and now it's time and I burned all the boats as the saying goes, the

hidden entrepreneur, if I'm true to that, I can't take small action anymore. So in fact, what does

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that mean? I got to play big, is the world going to fall apart? Of course not. Let me play with

this. And you just sort of play with what you can you come forward with what you know. And you catch

yourself if you're reserving if you're fearful. If you're playing small, ask yourself why. And work

through it and gain. Gain a team member a player on your side like I did that you can rely on even

silently that should something you know not work out in your favor and someone says or does

something, you have a security blanket that works so well for me. But over time you start gathering

these fans and these results small, but to you they're not small because you were fearful of doing

it. You then took the action, you saw the result. And you just keep building on that. So ask

yourself how important is this for me to do? Why is this important for me to do? It either is or it

isn't and your actions are going to speak louder than your words.

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Mike Forrester: Very true. You started out with a coach he said like when you're making that

transition. How did you transition? How did you move from just having a coach to building a

community or round you or like, you know, like those that could bolster you, as you're moving along

and becoming bigger and you know, stepping out of your comfort zone, how did you build, like

relationships around you?

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Josh Cary: By showing up, literally, in 2019, I was already a couple of years into this podcast space,

trying to make a name for myself trying to gain some awareness, trying to find opportunities, being

okay that I don't really know what's around the corner. But this feels right in the moment. So I'm

going to continue doing it, not ever beating myself up. And if you do beat yourself up, get up very

quickly. And then acknowledge how quickly you picked yourself up, pat yourself on the back and say,

Hey, that was great, and move on. Because you're going to continue to attract the very people that

you are. So as Jim Rohn says, we don't achieve success, we attract success by the very person we

are. So you have to become the person capable in advance of attracting the kind of success you want.

recording as my guest. After the show, he said, You know, I have a podcast studio, we're both from

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Jersey, he said, Why don't you come down and check it out. And, you know, we'll see, we'll see what

happens, we'll see what's what. And from there, we became co partners in founding a company called

pod Max, which is very successful, and we have a lot of great connections. And it allows me, the

reason I say it's successful, is personally right. I'm not even talking about financial or whatever,

it's successful for me to be able for me to be my best and to do my best and to, to grow into the

person that I need to become every step of the way through that vehicle. But I always point out that

what allowed that to happen is by me already showing up as powerfully as I could, in order for him

to see what's possible. The difference all of my life, was showing up weak, small and afraid. And

hoping somebody would say, you got something here, kid? Come on, let me make something of ya. Like

they said in the movies. But that never happens. Never happened to me. But that's what I was hoping

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for, like, can somebody just see what I'm capable of? Oh, man, you got to see it. First. You have

to. That's the trick.

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Mike Forrester: As you're going through, and you're you're looking around you like you're living as

is as large as you can, right? You're living your best self? Are you looking at people, maybe a

couple steps ahead of you and going, Hey, I want what they have, and then trying to pull those

people into, like a relationship or part of your circle to help you continue forward. Is that

something you were working on?

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Josh Cary: Yes. And you must do that. That's that's how I continue to operate today. Looking at who's

doing where I want to be next, while acknowledging where I am and the gratitude and appreciation for

how far I've come. But it's just like I said a little bit ago about finding better patterns and

habits and beliefs back a few years ago saying, Okay, well if I want to change everything about my

daily life here, what are the people who I want to be like, What are they doing with their mornings?

What are they eating? How are they spending their weekends? Where are they vacationing you know,

just so you can get a semblance of a lifestyle and a thought process so absolutely to this day.

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Mike Forrester: What are what are some of those those patterns and habits that you've now

implemented? But you know, it's like they're almost like, foundational for you now. You don't miss

them regardless, what are some of those that you have going on?

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Josh Cary: Easy and I say that because it's been a handful of years now that I've slowly but surely

stacked these patterns and habits from the minute I wake up to how I wake up to the minute I go to

sleep and how I go to sleep. And some of the big ones are waking up before anybody else in my house

does. So you so you have the morning before the morning has you right? Absolutely necessary. You

get up early. So you have your morning how l rod the Miracle Morning, says it all perfectly. Take

that approach, if you can, and then what? How you spend that time. And that's what I do 30 to 60

minutes every morning before anybody else wakes up. Great. And also how you wake up. I've read that

for optimal performance, which is all this is right? How do you become a high performer? How do you

become an optimal performing individual for optimal performance when you wake up? No snooze button?

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A mic, check. Got it. Simple. Okay. It's a choice. I will do that. And that's it. When the alarm

goes off. You're up. Yeah, you're tired for what? Three minutes and then your day starts. Great.

Exercising three to four days a week. I don't beat myself up. It's not five to seven a week. It

doesn't have to be I'm very comfortable. Got my peloton. Life changing shout out by the way. Three

to four days a week on that peloton is is for me. And that's, that's a no brainer. My eating habits.

I cut out next to 100% of sugar, right? For example, there are a lot of things I don't eat. But man

sugar is it's not the best. Because none of those things make me feel good, right? They don't make

me feel my best. So I'm very particular with what I eat. And then going asleep, I don't watch a lot

of television. And that's just the choice I've made to help me be my best. So those are a few

patterns and habits that I've implemented.

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Mike Forrester: Yeah. And I got agree with you on the sugar and getting up first thing in the

morning. It's like, totally makes a difference. And it was like I used to be a night owl. Now. It's

like, yeah,

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Josh Cary: night owls unite. Me too. And for all those decades. I'm like, I don't get those morning

people. The night is for me. Why? Because I'm alone. It's in the dark. I medicate it in my own

personal way. Right? You're doing everything who doesn't like that. But what do you really standing

for at that point?

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Mike Forrester: Yeah, it's like medication versus motivation. There's two different ends of the

spectrum. And yeah, I was in the same boat. So there was. Well, Josh, thank you so much for coming

on. And being transparent, honest. And I'm so glad that you didn't stay in the 40 years of playing

small under fear. Because where you're at now completely different. And I love seeing your show up

this way. Have the conversation, the motivation, the inspiration that you bring to other people to

step out as well. So thank you for joining me today, my friend. How can people connect in and reach

out to you outside of this like when they're like, hey, Josh's story, totally get it? How can they

connect?

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Josh Cary: The best place is my website, Josh Carey calm. That'll be your fork in the road. From

there, you can find links to the best social platform of your choice where you want to connect. You

can also listen to my show, watch some videos, get a real feel for what I do and take it from there.

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Mike Forrester: Awesome. Thank you, my friend, Josh. I appreciate it so much.

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Josh Cary: I love what you're doing, Mike. Thank you.