Shownotes
Today’s story is “Unseelie Pie” by Bill Ricardi, author of Another Stupid Trilogy and The Ihy Saga. You can find more of his stories on https://www.billricardi.com
Read for you by Khaki, your faithful fireside companion.
Transcripts
You’re listening to The Voice of Dog. I’m Khaki,
Speaker:your faithful fireside companion,
Speaker:and today’s story is
Speaker:“Unseelie Pie” by Bill Ricardi,
Speaker:author of Another Stupid Trilogy
Speaker:and The Ihy Saga. You can find more of his stories on https://www.
https://www.billricardi.com
Please enjoy:Unseelie Pie
Please enjoy:A story from Our Seelie World
Please enjoy:By Bill Ricardi
Please enjoy:Mom never told me that fairies got so hungry.
Please enjoy:I’m sure she had her reasons.
Please enjoy:I mean, she probably didn’t wanna worry me, right?
Please enjoy:After all, I was just seven years old when she started to teach me how to cook.
Simple stuff:Hard boiled eggs, grilled cheese, flat bread.
Simple stuff:I was good. I mean, she said so.
Simple stuff:But that’s what all moms say, I guess.
Simple stuff:By the time I was ten, she had a new word for me.
Simple stuff:Better than just good.
Simple stuff:She called me a ‘prodigy’.
Simple stuff:I think that means ‘super awesome cook’. I learned the normal stuff that ten year olds learn in the kitchen…
Simple stuff:soufflé, mole rojo, coq au vin, pad Thai. You know, the basics.
Simple stuff:With that simple stuff out of the way, mom started to show me real recipes.
Simple stuff:Enchanted honey
Simple stuff:and chamomile tea, like they use in the love rituals.
Simple stuff:Nutmeg, will-o-wisp, and basil cookies for protection during a full moon.
Simple stuff:Cinnamon and lavender bonbons to help the treasure hunters.
Simple stuff:Lots of folks wanted to try my ritual cooking.
Simple stuff:When they came back and told mom that it worked real good for them,
Simple stuff:we started charging money.
Simple stuff:Just so we could get better ingredients, of course.
Simple stuff:That’s when I learned about the fae folk…
Simple stuff:shapeshifters, sprites, and the friendlier monsters.
Simple stuff:They had the best magical fruits and herbs.
Simple stuff:Sometimes they took coins.
Simple stuff:Sometimes, favours.
Simple stuff:One night, after mom came back from wine tasting, she told me where dad had been for my whole life.
Simple stuff:See, he made a deal with the fairies.
Simple stuff:And not just any fairies…
Simple stuff:the Unseelie
Simple stuff:ones. They were the bad critters.
Simple stuff:Well. Not always bad.
Simple stuff:But wild. They liked to gamble,
Simple stuff:and they got mad real easy.
Simple stuff:Anyway, dad bet that he could outcook some great dragon chef.
Simple stuff:He lost though. So now he cooks for the Unseelie fae all the time,
Simple stuff:and he can’t come home.
Simple stuff:Mom said some really bad things about him,
Simple stuff:but the next morning she said
Simple stuff:‘it was the wine talking’.
Simple stuff:Weird. I still don’t know what spell to use to make that kind of talking wine.
Simple stuff:Mom said I needed to be ready, just in case. So the next couple years, I not only made stuff for mom to sell,
Simple stuff:but I also learned how to cook for fairies.
Simple stuff:I learned about smaller portions,
Simple stuff:and magical fae spices, and the special ingredients you need to make their holiday food.
Simple stuff:One day, I cooked for a super special visitor:
Simple stuff:Glenfylidus, a prince of the dark elves from a far off land.
Simple stuff:I dunno why, but mom was nervous.
Simple stuff:It was silly, because I never messed up the Samhain cake!
Simple stuff:Glenfylidus loved it.
Simple stuff:He kissed me on the forehead and told me I could have one recipe from his collection, whenever I wanted.
Simple stuff:I thanked him and said I would think about what I needed to learn.
Simple stuff:Then, it happened.
Simple stuff:It was my twelfth birthday. We were making my orange-chocolate cake when mom started bawling.
Simple stuff:I asked her what was wrong.
Simple stuff:She told me after I bugged her for, like, an hour.
Simple stuff:The deal that dad made with the fae was gonna end. And that
Simple stuff:meant bad stuff for dad.
Simple stuff:She didn’t wanna say nothin’,
Simple stuff:but I made her. The local fairy princess, Melefenarix, visited her the night before.
Simple stuff:She heard about my cooking,
Simple stuff:and offered mom a deal:
Simple stuff:I could cook for the royal fae,
Simple stuff:and grow up in the Unseelie Court.
Simple stuff:Or they’d just eat dad at the next big feast, and the whole thing would be over.
Simple stuff:Now, I didn’t know dad at all.
Simple stuff:He wasn’t around when I was little.
Simple stuff:But mom looked so sad when she told me that he was gonna get ate.
Simple stuff:Even though she called him a ‘lousy good-for-nothing’, and even though the wine said terrible things about him…
Simple stuff:I could tell she still loved him.
Simple stuff:So I was gonna save him.
Simple stuff:“You wanna see dad again?”
Simple stuff:Mom nodded, real slow.
Simple stuff:I asked, “Okay. Can I meet with the fairy princess?”
Simple stuff:She started to say something… but
Simple stuff:words wouldn’t come out.
Simple stuff:I guess she wasn’t allowed to say ‘no’.
Simple stuff:I said, “Come on, at least invite Melefenarix to my birthday party.”
Simple stuff:She looked ashamed and a little scared, but she agreed. Guests
Simple stuff:were cool. My party was just gonna be me and mom.
Simple stuff:I had school friends, but I never wanted them around too much. They were so…
Simple stuff:normal. I would’ve invited the treasure hunters and cave divers, but they were out on adventures.
Simple stuff:So I thought inviting Melefenarix would make things funner.
Simple stuff:Golly, I was wrong about that.
Simple stuff:Melefenarix was the opposite of fun.
Simple stuff:As soon as she flew into the room, everything got dark.
Simple stuff:She was only a foot tall, but acted like she was the biggest person in the room.
Simple stuff:She poked at everything with her long, black claws.
Simple stuff:Her gossamer wings left little trails of dust everywhere.
Simple stuff:She didn’t even say hello to me or wish me a happy birthday!
Simple stuff:“Mortals, you are now in the presence of Melefenarix, Unseelie Princess of Bath,
Simple stuff:Magus of the Arts Unfathomable,
Simple stuff:Daughter of She Who Devours.
Simple stuff:You may bow.” We did.
Simple stuff:Then she snapped her fingers.
Simple stuff:“Duncan. Bring the boy’s gift.”
Simple stuff:A tall, shaggy werewolf bullied his way through the front door of our cottage.
Simple stuff:His fur was wild and gray, and he was almost too tall for our ceiling!
Simple stuff:I guess he was named Duncan… what
Simple stuff:a silly name for a wolf.
Simple stuff:If he was my gift,
Simple stuff:he would have been a strange, angry,
Simple stuff:but pretty cool one. Then I noticed something weird.
Simple stuff:The werewolf held a little white silk leash.
Simple stuff:An unfriendly tug brought my real present staggering into the room.
Simple stuff:He looked like me.
Simple stuff:Bigger, taller. A lot more scared.
Simple stuff:Haunted. But he had my brown eyes and russet skin.
Simple stuff:He was super scrawny, at least compared to me and my cooking tummy. One look at mom and I knew: This was my dad. I couldn’t imagine
Simple stuff:her looking at anyone else that way.
Simple stuff:The strangely familiar man said,
Simple stuff:“No, please. Not them!”
Simple stuff:Almost at the same time, mom said,
Simple stuff:“Why are you doing this to us?!”
Simple stuff:But Melefenarix ignored them.
Simple stuff:She fluttered right up to me and said, “Your present, dear boy, is to share your father’s
Simple stuff:final meal. That is, of course, unless you choose to take his place.”
Simple stuff:I told her, “Dunno if I will or not.
Simple stuff:Let’s eat while I think it over.”
Simple stuff:The fairy looked surprised.
Simple stuff:I guess she expected me to be frightened.
Simple stuff:But that never really happened to me.
Simple stuff:By the second course,
Simple stuff:I knew I’d trade places with my dad.
Simple stuff:He seemed kind, and so worried about me and mom.
Simple stuff:Besides, they only wanted me for four years, four months, and four days.
Simple stuff:It wasn’t forever or nothin’.
Simple stuff:After we all had our cake, I kissed mom goodbye and told her I’d visit as soon as I could.
Simple stuff:The mean princess cut our goodbye short.
Simple stuff:“Duncan. Bring him, we’re
Simple stuff:done here.” The shaggy wolf tied the silk collar around my neck.
Simple stuff:Then I was led off into the night.
Simple stuff:We entered the woods,
Simple stuff:and soon stepped into a glowing ring of toadstools, all purples and pinks.
Simple stuff:Everything became blurry.
Simple stuff:Then I was home. ---
Simple stuff:Not my home of course.
Simple stuff:Duncan’s home.
Simple stuff:Or den, I guess. He lived in the pantry cave, somewhere between the button mushrooms and the rock tripe.
Simple stuff:I lived upstairs,
Simple stuff:next to the most amazing kitchen in the world!
Simple stuff:It had everything:
Simple stuff:A huge sous vide machine.
Simple stuff:A pixie dust collector.
Simple stuff:Dragonscale knives.
Simple stuff:A FaeMaster 500 food processor. Even a walk-in freezer.
Simple stuff:I signed my service contract, in blood of course.
Simple stuff:Soon after, I was planning my first banquet for Melefenarix and her royal court.
Simple stuff:I went with enchanted gooseberries,
Simple stuff:a chattering cheesecake, and battered rabbit en papillote.
Simple stuff:It was a big hit!
Simple stuff:The fairies and fanged puffins and kobolds and dryads and goblins all loved my dishes.
Simple stuff:But the next banquet was harder.
Simple stuff:They wanted more.
Simple stuff:I thought it was impossible for such small things to eat so much. But their bellies never got full.
Simple stuff:It took me ten hours to fix all the food, the second time around.
Simple stuff:I asked Duncan to help me in the kitchen.
Simple stuff:He complained to the princess, but Melefenarix told him to do what I say.
Simple stuff:And the grumbling werewolf did.
Simple stuff:Still. The next banquet took me eleven hours.
Simple stuff:And the next twelve.
Simple stuff:That’s when I got what was going on:
Simple stuff:They didn’t need me for four years, four months, and four days.
Simple stuff:They were gonna work me to death way before my contract ended.
Simple stuff:I needed a plan. “Duncan!”
Simple stuff:The big werewolf loped upstairs. “Whatcha
Simple stuff:want?”
Simple stuff:“I need you to deliver a message for me.” “Ain’t yer mailman, kid.”
Simple stuff:I explained, “I think I can get us outta here.
Simple stuff:Both of us, free and clear.
Simple stuff:But I can’t do it without you.”
Simple stuff:The beast scowled,
Simple stuff:“Why’re you tellin’ me this?!
Simple stuff:She’ll skin us both alive if she thinks we’re
Simple stuff:plottin’.” “Because you want freedom.
Simple stuff:And yer my only friend in this place.”
Simple stuff:He folded his arms across that broad, fuzzy chest.
Simple stuff:“Not yer friend.” I smiled.
Simple stuff:“Yeah, you are.” He barked,
Simple stuff:“What makes you think that, man-whelp?”
Simple stuff:“If you weren’t, you’d march out that door and tell Melefenarix that I’m out to get her.”
Simple stuff:I waited. A dozen expressions crossed over his fuzzy face.
Simple stuff:Still, he didn’t move. Then he snarled,
Simple stuff:“What’s the message?”
Simple stuff:When his task was complete, I started my plan.
Simple stuff:I got a brand new recipe, requested from Glenfylidus himself.
Simple stuff:It was payment for the dark elf’s lingering boon.
Simple stuff:I learned every detail by heart.
Simple stuff:And I made Duncan learn too, so that when stuff got crazy, neither of us would hesitate.
Simple stuff:Soon I was summoned before the Unseelie Court.
Simple stuff:Duncan escorted me, silk leash attached. Melefenarix flitted around her throne of bones and apple cores.
Simple stuff:She was real nervous,
Simple stuff:I could tell by the high pitched whir of her wings.
Simple stuff:Her goblins and evil puffins shrank away from her in fear.
Simple stuff:“The dragon prince is coming!”
Simple stuff:Of course he was.
Simple stuff:Glenfylidus came through for me.
Simple stuff:I bowed to my princess.
Simple stuff:“What lovely news.”
Simple stuff:She hissed, “No, no you little idiot!
Simple stuff:We weren’t prepared for this.
Simple stuff:Our coffers are low, we cannot make a proper offering.
Simple stuff:We need to impress him with a feast.”
Simple stuff:I paused. Then I said,
Simple stuff:“Well… I did just get a cool recipe from an old friend. Do you
Simple stuff:know Glenfylidus?”
Simple stuff:“Of course I know the dark
Simple stuff:elf prince, you moppet.
Simple stuff:You have one of his mythic recipes?”
Simple stuff:“He gave me secret knowledge
Simple stuff:of an ancient dish:
Simple stuff:Unseelie Pie. It’s filled with dark magic and wonder.”
Simple stuff:Melefenarix snapped,
Simple stuff:“Prince Jelovian will be here tomorrow evening.
Simple stuff:You must start immediately.”
Simple stuff:I murmured, “Some of the ingredients are super dangerous.
Simple stuff:A small, weak boy like me can’t collect what we need.”
Simple stuff:“Duncan!” The werewolf snarled,
Simple stuff:“My princess?” Melefenarix pointed a tiny claw at his muzzle.
Simple stuff:“I order you to collect these ingredients for the boy.
Simple stuff:You will do this,
Simple stuff:on pain of death!”
Simple stuff:Duncan let my silk leash drop.
Simple stuff:A mean looking grin crept over his maw.
Simple stuff:All teeth and drool.
Simple stuff:“Oh… it would very much be my pleasure, mistress.”
Simple stuff:I did my best to ignore Duncan as he
Simple stuff:‘collected the ingredients’.
Simple stuff:Melefenarix’s final cry ended quickly.
Simple stuff:And fanged puffins just popped like overfilled balloons.
Simple stuff:But the goblins, golly could they scream. ---
Simple stuff:It took me all night to bake the Unseelie Pie, stuffed to the brim with the evil fae that Duncan and I once served…
Simple stuff:and would 'serve' just once more, I guess.
Simple stuff:I heated the oven with dancing fire elementals.
Simple stuff:My eyes were drooping by the time the crust started to brown.
Simple stuff:I felt a big paw on my shoulder.
Simple stuff:Duncan rumbled, “Rest.
Simple stuff:I’ll keep it warm an’ wake ya when he comes.”
Simple stuff:I woke just in time to serve Prince Jelovian, who landed right on time.
Simple stuff:The big black dragon was starving from his flight.
Simple stuff:He ate every last scrap of the Unseelie Pie,
Simple stuff:tail wagging happily.
Simple stuff:“Delicious, young man.
Simple stuff:You have truly earned my boon.”
Simple stuff:I said, “I think, sir,
Simple stuff:that Duncan and I just wanna go home.”
Simple stuff:The dragon looked around at the blood drenched forest clearing.
Simple stuff:Fae bits were everywhere.
Simple stuff:“Ah. Yes, that might be wise.
Simple stuff:You two are free of all bonds, then.
Simple stuff:Safe travel.” We wished the prince well,
Simple stuff:watching him fly off into the moonlit night,
Simple stuff:wobbling slightly from the bulge in his tummy.
Simple stuff:I packed up what I could carry.
Simple stuff:I’d miss the grand kitchen…
Simple stuff:but I wouldn’t miss the long nights of serving a mean old fairy.
Simple stuff:I walked to the mushroom circle with a spring in my step.
Simple stuff:It’d be so much fun getting to know dad!
Simple stuff:We could share recipes, and learn to be a whole family again.
Simple stuff:I felt warm, nervous fingers squeeze my hand.
Simple stuff:I whispered, "It's okay."
Simple stuff:Yup, one big happy family.
Simple stuff:Though I might have to explain to mom how to cook for a werewolf.
Simple stuff:This was “Unseelie Pie”
Simple stuff:by Bill Ricardi,
Simple stuff:read for you by Khaki,
Simple stuff:your faithful fireside companion.
Simple stuff:Thank you for listening
Simple stuff:to The Voice of Dog