As an interracial adoptee and musical artist, Ferera grew up feeling different from her adopted family. When her adoption was tearfully confirmed by her Mom, it created doubt within her about whether it was okay to be different? Ferera met her birth mother, and the woman’s twin sister, so their reunion was a shared experience that somewhat fractured the intimate connection Ferera would have liked to have developed. She’s in touch with her birth father, but they’ve never met b/c he lives in the Philipines.

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Read Full TranscriptFerera:                        00:01               She said that I was making it all about me and I do believe that she was saying that out of her own pain. For an adoptee. It’s like, well, I didn’t choose this. I didn’t ever choose to be adopted. I didn’t choose for me to be in this position and so I wanted to work it out. I really did and so when I reached out to her and tried to talk about it, I suggested let’s get on the phone because emails are just, things can get misconstrued, but I never did hear back from her again.

Voices:                        00:34               Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? Who am I?

New Speaker:              00:47               This is who am I really a podcast about adoptees that have located and connected with their biological family members. I’m Damon Davis and on today’s show is Ferera. She called me from Austin, Texas as an interracial adoptee and musical artists for rare, grew up feeling different from her adopted family. When her adoption was confirmed by her mother, it created doubt within herself about whether it was okay to be different Ferera met her birth mother and the woman’s twin sister. So their reunion was a shared experience that somewhat fractured the intimate connection Ferera would have liked to have developed. She’s in touch with her birth father but they’ve never met because he lives overseas. This is Ferera journey.

Damon:                       01:33               Ferera originally from Houston. She said the first time she ever felt different from her family was around three years old since those early days Ferera has gotten her DNA test done. So she can tell you more clearly now what her heritage is. But at first all she could tell you is

Ferera:                        01:49               I am a transracial adoptee. And so, um, I grew up in, um, a Chinese family and um, I’m Filipino but there, you know, there’s a big difference so. I think many people don’t realize that there is such a big difference between the two, but there is culturally and all these things. But basically growing up we didn’t really talk about it. I wasn’t really told that I was adopted until I was, um, uh, 10 years old. And that’s only because I asked, because I look completely different from my family, but I always felt like I inherently knew that I was adopted because, you know, I think the majority of us, you know, at least the other adoptees that I’ve spoken to have said like a, yeah, I think I always knew, I mean, even the ones that aren’t transracially adopted. So yeah, I asked my mom if I was at, if I was born from her, those were the words I used. I think that was like six or seven. I forgot how old. The first time I asked her was, she kind of didn’t answer me directly the first time she just said, well, you know, no matter if you’re born, if I gave birth, she or not, I, we love you just the same. And so I thought that was a little bit interesting, but I like, I, like I said, I knew I was not of the same, you know, from that family.

Damon:                       03:11               So let me pause you for a quick second. So when you first asked this question, can you remember at all how you felt? It’s, it’s an interesting thing for you to say that you felt different at six and I wonder if to you could just explain a little bit about how you look different from your family because it, when I think of transracial adoptees of course I think very classically have sort of a black white mixed or something like that. Very stark differences. So I wonder if you could help me understand how you could see the differences so easily

Ferera:                        03:45               more brown than they are. Um, I’m Spanish as far as the Trans racial features, the physical features. So I, um, I’ve done the 23 and me and all of that, but I, I’m more brown than they are. Um, I’m Spanish and a mix of, there’s like Portuguese, Spanish, European and Polynesian. And so it’s like I look very island slash Spanish fee and then they look very tinies. And so there’s a different skin tone, different bone structure, different build. It was like a different everything.

Damon:                       04:22               Yeah. Ferera had one sister who was biological to their parents for understanding is she was adopted because initially her parents didn’t think they could conceive a child. But of course immediately after her adoption, her sister was conceived. They were really close when they were really little, but everyone thought they were friends, not sisters. For Rare. It talks a little bit about the impact on her emotions of finally confirming she was adopted and how it changed her behavior. Then she goes into the story of how she actually confronted her mother at 10 years old.

Ferera:                        04:55               My personality by nature is very um, positive spirited. You know, I had a lot of energy. I was a happy kids on the outside. You might not realize that there’s anything quote unquote wrong or going on internally. But in fact there was a lot and I think it really started coming out once it was confirmed that I was adopted, but I really feel like, you know, it would have been what has made a big difference had I found out uh not at 10 had I found out earlier,

Damon:                       05:28               What difference do you think it would have made for you.

Ferera:                        05:30               Well, there’s a lot of, in general, I think I would’ve been able to not go through that first 10 years of my life feeling like, you know, my heart and my mind are in a different place. Why do I feel this way? Why do I look different? Why do I, so there was a lot of, because there was all that time for this shame to build and questions and why am I not feeling like the rest? Why don’t I feel like I fit in? So had, had I been told, you know, I feel like I would’ve been able to understand myself better because by the time I was 10 I didn’t know what I was like, um, ethnically so people would, that was another layer of it, you know? Well you, you don’t like, you don’t look like your family or you know, people asking if I was friends with my sister, oh, is this your friend?

Ferera:                        06:15               Like, no, she’s my sister. And that, that’s actually how I, how I finally was like, okay, I’m adopted. That’s, there was a man in China drawing a picture of my sister and I, you know, out on this like marketplace thing. He was like hand drawing it and he was like, you know, here you go. It’s a picture of you and your friend or you and your friend. And I was like, this is really ridiculous. Everybody thinks she’s my friend, but she’s my sister. There’s gotta be something like, you know, so yeah, in that way it’s like not knowing is, was really how I feel, you know, detrimental to my psychological health.

Damon:                       06:49               Wow. That’s fascinating. Yeah. So this is the… I interrupted you earlier. You were about to say something about your father taking you on a business trip and this is it, the trip to China where you drew the picture?

Ferera:                        07:01               Yeah, this is where I found out. And um, he was, we went along with him, he was on a business, it was kind of like a business slash family vacation and that’s when it all unfolded. And I finally asked her in the hotel lobby, you know, if I was born from her. And she started crying and she was like, “no, but you know, you know mom loves you anyway”. And my sister started crying so it was, you know, my dad was at work. Um, and it was just me, my mom and my sister in the hotel lobby when this happens. And I just kind of, I didn’t cry. I didn’t, you know, it was kind of like a, well I already knew this but thanks for confirming. You know, I wasn’t upset at them, you know, but I was kind of like well why didn’t… So there’s an element of trust. I will say that there was an element of trust. I feel like that was, I mean lost, you know that you know, they didn’t tell me but I think you know, regardless of whether they meant well cause I think they didn’t want to tell me cause they didn’t want me to feel different. But that just goes along with the knowledge now that kids do know. It doesn’t matter if you tell them or not. I really feel like they might not say that they know, cause I was just really a vocal kid

Damon:                       08:24               Ferera said Everything felt secret and taboo when it came to talking about her adoption until she confronted her mother. I was wondering what it felt like for her mother to finally admit everything to her out loud.

Ferera:                        08:36               So what I was feeling was, and I’m like I was saying I was processing this as a 10 year old with 10 year old words. Feelings. And I was like, okay. So, so briefly I felt like kind of cool. I’m just being honest. I was like, okay, cool. I’m kind of, but then it drifted to this, But I’m, I’m different though and I’m, I’m all alone. I’m by myself. I’m alienated from not, not, I don’t know if alienated, it’s the right word, but maybe isolated. Like I’m not like you guys, you know? Um, it’s very clear that I’m not like you all. And I think that’s when a shift happened. So when she first told me, it was like, I knew this, it was a knowingness. And then there was like a, for a very, very brief moment like all this. That’s cool. I’m kind of, that’s cool. I’m, I’m like a special kid. You know, she didn’t use the word special, but then that’s really weird. Cause then what am I and why did my parents give me up? What’s the story? You know, I didn’t have all those answers. So it was just ultimately a big question mark.

Damon:                       09:46               Wow, That’s really interesting. So this happened on foreign soil. You guys are in China, you’re not, you’re not at your home. So you’re out of your element and you’d be like, there’s nothing uncomfortable around you right now. What do you know, who do you recall about your return home and your, you’ve now probably set foot back in the house and you have this reality now that the admission has been made. What was it like in your house after you’ve gotten this confirmation on foreign soil?

Ferera:                        10:14               You know, until you actually framed it that way. I’ve never even...