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We dive back into history with Indiana Jones in our series "No Time For Love Doctor Jones," where Jamie Chambers drags his sister Bambi through another adventure of nine-year-old Henry Jones, Jr. When ancient one-eyed Dr. Jones is forced to see a psychiatrist he forces her to listen to the story of the day he met Sigmund Freud, Alfred Adler, and Carl Jung—who encouraged him to break into a castle to give a snowglobe to a princess.

Prepare for a baffling childhood romance in Vienna as we track the development of the most heroic archeologist in cinema!

Hey, Dr. Jones, no strength or love! We've got company!

Music

Oh, hello! Do you happen to be my psychiatrist?

Today, absolutely.

See, I'm a one-eyed dementia-ridden old man who's definitely not crazy!

You're definitely not Indiana Jones either, but whatever.

I am a hundred percent Indiana Jones, don't you know?

Just ask my friend, Lawrence of Arabia and Picasso.

And I'm not crazy at all.

So anyway, let me tell you about how I almost got shot

trying to give a snow globe to a little girl.

Hello, everybody.

It's no time for love, Dr. Jones,

where we follow the fictional adventures of Dr. Henry Walton Jones Jr.

as he bounces off real world history and important figures.

I am your host, Jamie Chambers, and this is my reluctant sister, Bambi.

Yeah, I really did. Yeah, not digging it.

You're going to love it today.

This episode was terrible.

Oh, the episode of young love plus psychiatry?

Oh, not to mention poor parenting.

Well, that's on display in every episode.

This is bonus content that we give for free and to everybody on ChainsawHistory.com for now,

but we encourage you to go to ChainsawHistory.com

and if you click on the big splash page right in the middle,

you will see how you can support our show through a couple different options,

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So you can see just go to ChainsawHistory.com

to see if you want us to make more of this kind of thing,

not to mention the main show.

For anyone who wants to follow along with us,

you can find these episodes of Young Indiana Jones on the YouTube channel

called Young Indie Restored

until Disney decides that they're not allowed to have that up anymore

because that is the version of the episodes we're watching

because we insist on having old George Hall's version of old Indiana Jones.

No, Jamie insists that crusty old man indie

who is absolutely not Harrison Ford in any reality.

Well, that's my thing.

The respect I have for George Hall is that he refused to watch

a single Harrison Ford performance

or even try to evoke Indiana Jones in any way.

He's like, I have the hat.

That's all I need.

It's just so bad.

And this episode was especially bad.

But we're rounding down.

We've only got a handful of episodes left with a Cory Callender

as young indie before we jump ahead to the teenage years.

Yeah, I would love to get to Sean Patrick Flannery at this point.

We have to get to Take Your Medicine.

And I mean, it's not like those episodes are going to be good.

Or rather, you know, it's like...

They'll just be better.

They will be better.

And it'll be Sean Patrick Flannery as opposed to this fucking kid.

Today's episode is Vienna, November 1908.

So our first segment is...

I don't know how I'm making this upside go.

In this section of the show,

we talk about the plot and major story points of the episode.

So we can say Bambi had a great time watching

The Adventures of Indiana Jones at nine years old.

I'm just glad I'm allowed to watch it high.

If I weren't allowed to watch it high, then I wouldn't watch it at all.

I even let you record high.

So you got to get through this somehow.

We once again begin in some time in the early 1990s

as ancient Indiana Jones barges into a waiting room,

quickly called in to meet Carol Schultz, MD, psychiatrist.

See, headcanon, this is where George Hall should be committed

for not being Indiana Jones.

Why is this old bastard claiming he's Indiana Jones

and knows all these famous people?

This man needs to be locked up.

That and he kept telling about his children.

And now we know that is an absolute thing

that he did not have children plural.

Well, right now there are fans.

I have seen this on social media very recently

about fans literally talking about the alternate Indiana Jones timelines

and where they split off from each other.

And so that's a whole another longer conversation we'll get to later.

So back to the episode old Indiana Jones,

he explains he was trying to get a cat out of a tree

and he got stuck up there.

Then the fire department had to get him down.

He also explains the hates cats.

He's like I didn't was never fond of cats,

but now I hate them like a normal person says fuck cats.

No, this old man bothers me in so many ways.

And apparently in the comic book adaptation of this story,

it's revealed that old Indy was actually rescuing his own cat named Henry.

So the psychology of naming his cat his own name,

which is his father's name the father that he hated

and the name he rejected for himself.

What the fuck?

So yeah, so so Indy says his children are threatening

to have him put in a nursing home and he is having none of it.

He demands that the psychiatrist give him a test to prove

that he's totally not insane.

He's any screams like I demand that you test me.

Yeah, because that always works.

Well with health professional raging against their any he

so he asked him a few questions

and he claims there's no diagnosed mental illness in his family

completely avoiding these he phrases it very carefully

of like the obsessive crazy the abusive father.

Well, technically at the turn of the century,

his his father was wasn't beating him.

So they were actually still her parents for the time.

Well, we don't know that we didn't see him beat his son.

It was just implied.

Obviously not because he's still a shit whatever the abuse is.

It didn't work.

It's all psychological.

You know, what also didn't work getting kidnapped

and beaten and almost sold into slavery.

None of the nothing works on this consequences be damned.

He is not worried about any of that.

He's convinced each time it's going to work out

and that's the thing.

I mean we saw in the very first time we ever met in Nina Jones

and Raiders of the Lost Ark.

This is a crazy person who gets obsessed with something

and never lets it go.

Yeah, and apparently he believes he is bulletproof

and so far that assumption is correct.

If so when asked if he ever seen a psychiatrist before he says

I did have a problem once but I got help.

I had a long conversation with Sigmund Freud

and then he goes on to add Carl Jung and Alfred Adler

to the mix and Dr.

Schultz quietly writes delusions on her pad

and starts flipping through a Rolodex to call in someone

with a straight jacket to pick up this old coot

and see and that's where a big whole episode should have

just ended there with him screaming his men and codes

take our Indiana Jones Indiana Jones our we're with you

your Nazis but instead old Indy senses that he's losing this

woman.

So he calls upon his one last tried-and-true superpower

that he has left.

He offers to tell this woman a story

and she was silly enough to listen.

Yeah, so as always happens we transition over the old bastard

into the past as he says it was 1908

and the world was just as insane as it is now.

Yeah, that was in the 1990s.

We were staying with the American Ambassador in Vienna

in 1908 was the year of the first psychoanalytical conference

which my father decided to attend.

Yeah, I mean this is all I mean, I guess it's like he met

psychiatrist so and this is why he's can tell the story

of how he fell in love at nine years old again.

I look at least this one had some more connection like

some of them had zero like I'm playing pool that reminds

me of physics and that reminds me of the time.

My mom cheated on my dad.

Yeah.

I mean at least there's a straight line here.

But again, he's seeing a psychiatrist like oh,

I remember when I met a psychiatrist.

I could have been with this whole story till the end,

but whatever.

So we dissolve back to 1908 in a scene of indoor horseback

riding lessons and nine-year-old Henry Jones Jr.

Is smiling at a pretty little girl in a top hat who is

completely ignoring him as they trot around in circles

with a dude in German yelling at them and in he is speaking

back in German but gasp the little girl loses her hat

in the dirt and it will surely catch a horse apple at

any moment but little Henry Gallops ahead and does a slick

move to scoop the head up and return it Miss Seymour.

Just pretend she's reading a book and she's like I didn't

see any of this.

Thank you.

The only thing I think with Miss Seymour is there are

moments where she's just so goddamn grateful.

That's not her kid.

So the fancy pants Austrian writing instructor calls an

into the lesson in German and addresses the little girl

as your Royal Highness and to Henry.

He says head Jones.

How many times do I have to tell you remind you this is

not the Wild West show.

Yeah, because then they just start reverting back into

English as usual the who's speaking the native language

of where they're visiting and who's speaking English is

super inconsistent and and dumb the moment you start

thinking about it too hard.

No, it's not even thinking about it too hard.

It's just thinking about it at all.

It would have been better for them to just everybody

speak English and never even address foreign languages

at all.

Just pretend that this is like Star Trek, but instead

they like sometimes use subtitles sometimes and then

sometimes people who should be speaking their native

language to each other just speak English for just for

kicks.

No, the show was not well done in a lot of ways.

It was rough around the edges could use a little more

polish which is why they're like the TV show versus the

the movie thing is a rough transition for Indiana Jones.

So but anyway the so this do this dude yelling him in

German and Henry develops what I think is his first true

desire to punch a German speaking man in the mouth and

one day that will blossom into a Nazi punching Inferno

of rage, but in the stables a little Henry awkwardly

introduces himself and reveals that while he's learning

German.

He's he still kind of sucks he misgenders her horse and

then just kind of blathers in her face for a minute and

she just looks at him.

Yeah, but for some reason he's like charming her which

is also not wearing his little chapeau and he kind of

stumbles into the fact that she's her Royal Highness

as in she's a straight-up princess.

She is Sophie a daughter of Archduke Franz Ferdinand.

Yeah that guy a name that I'm sure will never come up

again in history ever.

He's next in line for the throne Austria-Hungary.

No big deal.

The Archduke's nickname for his precious little daughter

is Pinky.

I guess I wonder if that's a historical factor if they

just kind of threw a thing in there, you know, I didn't

see that when I was looking through some other stuff,

but I assume that has to have come so there's no reason

for that to be in there if it wasn't something they

pulled out of a history book because otherwise it was

just fucking weird.

But of course then he's like, well, what should I call

you and her answer is your Royal Highness isn't see and

that should have just been where she walks away end

of episode.

Well, she were she realized she had been a tiny bit

of a bitch so out of pure guilt.

She's like hey, you want to come walking like he's like

walking away with his shoulders slumped in his head

down like he's just got burned so bad.

So she feels sorry for him and invites him for a walk

which was the worst mistake.

She could have made that day.

Yeah, so both kids are stuck with their respective old

ladies and after a bit they break for lunch.

See her.

She had a well middle-aged she had yeah, she didn't

have it because I mean even Sophie she was like your

governess is old.

She had you know, a nice middle-aged froy line.

Yeah, like the typical what you'd expect for, you know,

a good German born lady.

She was sort of stereotypical there.

So the princess asked Henry if he rode the Viner

Reichenrad the big ass Ferris wheel that was first

built in 1897 and they had this big establishing

shot of the gardens.

You can see the Ferris wheel in the background and

he was like duh course I did and then he finds out

that she has not ridden the Ferris wheel or done

much anything actually fun.

Yeah, and he was like you can do whatever you want.

You're the princess and she looks at him like like

you're an idiot.

You're dumb as shit because that is not all fucking

especially princesses for a world traveler.

He's incredibly nice.

He is he has been sold into child slavery and yet

he's still so adorably naive.

So after learning that Sophie lives a cooped-up

princess life.

He suggests they go look around and the old ladies

had hit it off and are having a nice conversation.

So they just say stay where we can see you and we

also know that Indiana Jones is pathologically

incapable of following orders of any kind.

So the moment they're out of sight.

It's like we got to break those rules.

Yeah, but his response was it'll be okay.

Trust me 30 seconds later.

He's suggesting they ditched the garden and go ice

skating and that's where he literally like she at

first sort of gives a fake protest.

He's like gives the same place Indiana Jones

classic line.

He says it many times in the future trust me and

she's like, okay, so they get on their skates and

they fumble around the ice.

They have a cute little kid time where they

holding hands and then predictably and of course

we have the fear lines that we have a screaming

your line in German running across the ice which

was so predictable that I told her and I was like

this is going to happen.

Just wait, of course, of course it happens.

Everyone stops all eyes are in the children as

they're being screamed at in German and this lady

even says you haven't heard the last of this as

she grabs little Sophie takes off and Sophie just

looks sad and the entire crowd just lines up to

watch him get humiliated.

Yeah.

And then the Seymour has to like totter out on

the ice and grab him and he's like Sophie and

she's like, that's quite enough, Henry.

Yeah.

And again, she's like, this should have been the

very, very, very end of it, but in that you can

say that for like almost every scene, but they

just keep going and it just keeps happening.

It's like a train wreck.

It's like one, one only one should have derailed

for some reason.

And in my head, Canon, the archduke outlawed ice

skating in Vienna from that point on and everyone

blamed Indiana Jones.

So we cut to then professor Henry Jones senior

ripping his nine year old son, a new asshole.

Yeah.

And then in the same breath insisting that he go

to a boring dinner.

Well, that would know that wasn't the same breath.

That was later.

We have, we have scenes in between, but yeah, for

the record, I mean, Dr.

Jones was angry and did yell at little Henry,

but considering he almost like made an

international incident.

Well, that's what, that's what he said.

He's like, you almost, you almost caused an

diplomatic incident junior.

And he shoves this letter from the archduke

himself in Henry's face.

This letter asking the American ambassador to

get control over his people.

And Henry says, he's sorry that he meant no harm.

And his father responds, you have brought shame

on us all and your country.

And again, that should have been the end of the

episode.

I mean, yes, there's no, and Henry is locked in

his claw in a closet for the rest of the episode.

Yeah.

And Mrs.

Jones is in the room and she doesn't say shit.

And then just like, just sort of comforts him

after that guy, literally who said, you've shamed

your family and your country of storms off.

But he did.

Yeah.

He ain't wrong.

I mean, dad was a whole, he was an asshole a

lot of the times, but also he was right.

A whole bunch of them.

I mean, they were staying in the American

ambassador's home and then caused some shit.

It's, it's pretty embarrassing.

So Dr.

Jones says he'll apologize for junior and there

will be no more writing lessons in Vienna.

And then he storms off to drink shaken, but not

stirred martinis for the rest of the day.

Henry's mom comforts him and explains the

princess is so tightly watched because her

family is in constant danger.

Totally not true.

Nothing bad ever happens to any of these

people.

What are they even talking about?

She says they live on a powder keg, but many

people want the hats Habsburg empire destroyed.

Yeah.

And again, so the fact that this little girl

in her governance is just walking around the

city.

Well, I mean, Vienna should be a pretty safe

place for them, but the, but maybe not Serbia.

I mean, it's all just, it's, it's all very

inconsistent.

Maybe not visit Sarajevo.

There's just, this episode bothered me.

I don't know why it bothered me a lot more

than other episodes.

Interesting choice of why they decided to put

princess Sophie of Hohenberg in this episode,

but whatever.

So the little boy just doesn't get why an

apology won't get him, get completely off the

hook.

He's like, I didn't mean any harm.

I'm willing to say, I'm sorry, my bad, but why

can't I hang out with this chick I'm into?

Yeah.

And then the response.

Why can't we be friends?

You'll make other friends.

No, there's no one like her in the whole world

as he storms off, shaking his little fist in

rage.

And again, nine year olds usually don't act

like that.

That's, that's like a 13 year old thing, not

a nine year old.

So again, even the emotions of this is

inconsistent.

It's it's, it's, well, it is, it comes off as

a little weird.

It does feel like this is a story that like

if they truly were going to follow him, it

would have been good for like 12 or 13 years

old, that middle school.

Exactly.

So he's even this episode, a number of

people are remarking, you're seem a little

young to even be feeling things like this.

This is where you get like very strong,

generally like friendship attachments.

And you might play it like romance as a,

almost like an imitation, but you don't feel

and again, we're also talking about a kid

who's been traveling the fucking world and

can't get attached to people.

He's only there for a couple of weeks at

a time and he's bounced off.

I mean, he was sold into slavery with a,

with a friend and was just like, have fun

being a slave asshole.

Maybe a psychiatrist could figure out this

stuff.

So anyway, he's madly in love with princess

Sophie at nine years old.

So later we just, we, we cut to a study session

under miss Seymour's watch.

He's supposed to be doing something else,

but he's actually writing a letter to the

princess and miss Seymour catches on and

confiscates the letter, which reads your

Royal Highness.

I'm sorry if I got you in trouble being

with you is just great.

I think of that day all the time.

I'm worried to hear that you live in a powder

keg if I had known this and this is where

he'd got cut off.

And she, instead of being mad, she realizes

that his heart is in the right place and

that he's got all these little feelings

deep down inside.

She's a romantic.

Yeah.

Oh no.

She's across the old way.

We've seen this now, like when, with the

Puccini deal, like she, she has this burning

heart for art and romance and

well, I mean, even when mom ran off to the

opera with, with, uh, yeah, with Puccini

is like, she had so much empathy and said

you would think that she would like being

a strict old British lady would know you

find out miss Seymour has layers

and then Picasso,

like you get this feeling that miss Seymour

like had this tragic backstory of love lost.

And now she's just this bitter old lady,

but every once in a while, this sort of

thing melts her heart.

And so she decides instead of making him

draw triangles all fucking day, that they're

going to get into poetry and Henry doesn't

want to do anything else.

He says he has a knot in his stomach

and he can't concentrate.

So she asked him to recite a poem, which

is titled of the pains and sorrows caused

by love by sir Thomas white.

That was written in the 16th century.

And little Henry is astonished to find

out that someone had this symptoms that

he's experiencing of not being able to

sleep or eat or think about anything and

all from hundreds of years for, and then

she's explained that this dude was in love.

And he's like, whoa.

Yeah.

Which again, he's nine.

It's like, I didn't think poetry was

about anything.

And while normally that would make miss Seymour

she'd make him write like a 10,000 word essay,

but there's, but this time her eyes are

shimmering with all this romance.

So instead, even then she was like, dude,

you're nine.

Yeah.

But then he flips open another book and

he's like, Oh, this one looks good.

And it's loves philosophy by Shelley.

And this is where the little boy realizes,

Oh wow.

He's like, do you think I'm in love?

And she's like, well, you're very young,

which is the like the 20 times you'll hear

that over and over again, this episode,

because even the people writing it realize

it's sort of inappropriate for a nine year old.

Yeah.

But everybody seems to kind of also roll with

it because he's nine.

So there are, but again, this is like story

sorta indulgent story by George Lucas that

other people had to write for him.

It was like, Nope, he's nine.

And this is what happened.

Okay.

So Miss Seymour's line to Henry is devastating.

She says, we all fall in love, Henry.

Some of us too soon.

And some of us too late.

And you're like, damn.

See, I want to see the, I want to see that

episode.

I want to see young Miss Seymour getting

jilted or something.

So mom checks on Henry who is reading poetry

in bed and she and Dr.

Jones are going to the opera, which I am

honestly amazed he's ever going to let her

anywhere near an opera house ever again.

Oh really?

No, I was like, go dad.

At this point, he has figured out the best

way through her panties is to the opera.

So he was like, yeah, baby, let's go to the

opera opera.

I mean, you're going to be horned up by the

time we get home.

I guess so.

So, but yeah, she's no longer worried about

her running off with opera composers.

Yeah.

No, he just needs to take her and she chose

him.

I guess he got nothing to be worried about.

And again, I doubt very seriously that anybody

let on that there was anything happening

while he was away.

And she's only got like three years to live

anyway, so might as well have some opera.

So she tucks the little guy in bed and sings

a lullaby, a paper of pins is the name of

the song.

And the next day Henry receives a reply from

princess Sophie in the mail.

She writes him a very sweet note hoping that

one day they can meet again.

So Mrs.

Jones tries to talk her husband out of taking

their son to dinner with the psychiatrist

because there's apparently like this said in

the beginning of the episode.

There's a psychoanalytical conference, the

world's first, and these really big, great

minds, the fathers of, you know, three

legends are going to be there.

And at first Dr.

Jones has got his, he's reading the paper or

whatever, completely ignoring his wife.

And she's like, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

And he's like, oh yeah, it's very good.

Whatever woman talking again, but finally

she's like, well, maybe Henry shouldn't go

because you know what you said, Dr.

Freud likes to speak about some racy things

maybe inappropriate for a kid.

And he's like, no, no, no.

Dr.

Freud is important, man.

I want Henry to meet him.

It's like, he's really like the whole point

of the show.

Don't you get what Lucas wants us to do.

He's supposed to meet famous people.

He's got to go, duh, woman.

Did you not read the script?

And for one moment she decided to try to be

a mom, but then folded like a house of cards.

Well, she, she has, she never even once gets

up a hint of resistance against anything or

she's never stood up to him in a single moment.

And in this show, even when she should have,

she is a tiny little wisp of a woman.

Yeah.

And the, almost the bravest thing she almost

did was run away from it, but then she didn't

have the actual courage to do it because

well, that it would also include abandoning

her child, banning her child, which she's

not a bad mom.

She obviously loves that little asshole.

She only abandons him, uh, not by choice

in a few more years.

The only relief is through sweet, sweet death

till death do us part, bitch.

Yeah.

That's the only way this, this is my way

out and we don't know how she died.

Maybe she just pull a Padme and just lost

her will to live.

That was it.

But like we said, laid down one day was

like, fuck this.

Oh, we're definitely getting there in just

a few more episodes.

So as we said, there is a contractual obligation

to have Indiana Jones meet famous people.

And princess Sophie is weak sauce.

Nobody knows her.

Her dad's only famous and only because he

got his head blown off.

Well, that's not true.

We got shot in the chest and died with

some famous last words.

Anyway, you get the point.

There were some world Wars about it.

Yeah.

We'll talk about that later in the episode.

Henry asked if dad ever gave his mom a gift

when they were courting and she shows him a

locket, which, which by the way, if you know

anything about the actual like traditional

courting, that would have been a no, no.

You cannot accept story from anybody except

for your intended.

So that's already a historical streak.

Yeah.

And that would have been like in the late 1800s.

So yeah, no, this is, that would have been

an absolute mom's a harlot.

If she would have done that.

Well, we've already seen that his mom was

already running off to bone an Italian rock

star.

That was for her own personal sanity.

I don't judge her harshly a little bit.

You've seen the man she's married to.

Which again, we've barely seen this man

raise his voice.

So, so far what we see of him, he's actually

pretty chill.

Yeah.

But it's the sort of the level of control

and the way everyone seems so afraid of him

makes him so much scarier than if he was

raging around all the time.

I mean, like I said, just that scene where

like you've shamed our son off the family in

our country, like damn, that's all he did.

That wasn't even harsh words because that was

the thing that actually happened.

I mean, saying that he brought shame to the

family, his country, and now we have to go

back to America.

Dishonor on you, dishonor on your cow.

All right.

So finds out about the locket and then we

cut to Henry dashing through the streets of

Vienna and he goes to a curio shop and spots

a fancy snow globe of a romantic couple ice

skating, but the price is 40 shillings, which

is way beyond Henry's shitty little allowance.

He leaves in defeat.

And so predictably something happens.

But in my head, I kept hearing, like even

before I saw where they went, I heard this

song every day.

I'm hustled in my head because like I knew

what's happening.

Sure enough, Henry just wanders into a street

hustler running a shell game right in the

middle of the street.

And he convinces a local to stake him on a

bet, which cause he knows how the trick is

done to hide the little pebble under the shell.

And then he gets a cut of the winnings, which

he immediately goes back.

I mean, the whole point of this scene is

just so like, this is how he gets the money to

get the present.

However, the funny thing about the money is

it was 40 shillings and they gave him 10

torch marks.

So I don't even know how that no clue transfers

and I wouldn't have caught that.

But my husband was like, these aren't even the

same currencies.

What's going on?

This is not the first currency.

They have no idea when I was trying to figure

out the going rate for a slave.

It was what I found out that they were using

the wrong form of currency.

It was a whole thing.

It had a 10 on the bill.

No clue.

So apparently the exchange rate for 40 shillings

is 10 torch marks.

Where he was just like, I have no idea how

much this is taken.

And he's like, the guy's like, ah, the exact

amount I need.

It just happens.

Like he said, he's like, what a fucking dumb

little kid.

I'm rich.

Um, so here's a fun little production detail.

Only a few pages of the original script are

available online, but I believe based on the

hints I found that in the original version,

Henry had taken the princess to ride in a

Ferris wheel because she mentioned it in

the conversation.

And then there was a reference to the original

gift was going to be a tiny replica of the

Ferris wheel as his gift to princess Sophie.

And in fact, also the little bit where he's

like, you took the princess on a joy ride

and that, which makes no sense for ice skating,

but would make sense for a Ferris wheel ride.

So it's like they set up the Ferris wheel

and then probably couldn't get, couldn't

film on a Ferris wheel.

So they had to switch to something else in

the middle of production.

So that's why it became ice skating.

Besides, it would have been much harder for

the froy line to like,

Oh, she'd been yelling at them and then

forcing them to come.

I mean, they just had to rewrite the scene

very mildly in order to do it, but I think

that was the original thing was she was

interested in seeing the Ferris wheel.

He takes her to the Ferris wheel and then

he gives her a gift to remind her of the

Ferris wheel and said he gets the snow globe

of ice skaters.

It's just, it's like, this is all the little

TV production changes.

He wastes no time immediately just charges

to Belvedere palace, right up to the gate,

shrieking, Sophie, I want to see Princess Sophie.

And this is where little Henry gets shot.

The end.

Where he should have gotten shot the first

time and instead of the gorgeous drags his

dumb ass off to the side.

They were like, Oh my God, this kid.

Well, the Archduke's carriage goes through

the gates and then they proceed to haul

Henry off and toss his ass into the street

where he belongs and dejected.

Henry walks through the streets of Vienna

and ends up staring at a painting depicting

a man kissing a woman in a passionate embrace.

It's a very famous image called the kiss

by Gustav Klimt.

We're halfway through the episode when we

get to the big dinner where we finally meet

doctors Sigmund Freud, Carl Jung and Alfred

Adler.

And this is the stupidest fucking part of

the whole goddamn thing.

And yet it's the point of the entire episode

was to get so we could meet these guys and

because they hired Max von Seidau to play

Sigmund Freud, they could only afford him

for one scene.

This is the only thing you get and he he

choose both the cigar and the scenery through

this entire scene.

Max von Seidau, who just recently died,

rest in peace, legend.

And he's great.

He's great in this scene too.

Like he doesn't sound anything like Sigmund

Freud.

He's not bothered with a with a German accent

even a little bit, but he's just good because

Max von Seidau has this incredible presence.

Yeah, I mean and he didn't even look.

Yeah, other than the fact that he's just

this very commanding presence.

He does not look or sound or anything like

Sigmund Freud.

No, not at all.

He's just saying the lines, but just, but

the same time, he's still the coolest person

in the room because he's Max von Seidau.

This is the scene that I have the most issue

with starting from minute one.

And again, they had a little tiny nine-year-old

Henry at the head of the fucking table.

You know, like you do.

No, that is not like you do.

Never.

I mean, then they let him take over the whole

conversation.

And then even improper seating arrangements,

he should have been stuck between his parents

and not being allowed to speak.

But no, they had him at the head of the table.

Why wasn't fucking Freud at the head of the table?

They have all three psychiatrists kind of

bunched up on one side practically across

from little Henry.

Whoever the two ends of the table should have

been the host and the hostess.

Well, this is just as as believable as all

the shit he did with Picasso.

I mean, like every interaction he's had with

all these famous people are all these all these

but seating arrangements.

How do you fucking at least not get a goddamn

seating arrangement correctly?

This is in this universe.

This is supposed to be historic.

He's the seating arrangement.

He's also, if you checked the fucking name of

the show, he sits at the head of the table.

I mean, even if his dad would have been there

at the head of the table, he was off in a corner

and barely one halfway through the scene.

He just shuts up and never says another word.

Even while they're talking about sex and

shit with his kid.

It's great.

So we let's get to the beginning of the scene.

We're going to break this down.

So we begin with Freud just sort of laughing

about how the Viennese want him arrested for

obscenity instead of celebrating the genius

of his science.

No, Freud was a fucking hack.

Meanwhile, young is constantly like, please

segment you please be appropriate as one does

and cause, and he, you know, he chastises

Freud for focusing on biology and me instead

of the spirit and Freud says the spirit is

just a fancy way of saying repressed sexuality

and all the women grab their throats.

Every single time the word sex is said, the

camera cuts to one of the women looking

deeply uncomfortable.

She's like, this is 1908.

Yeah.

And again, that would have at least been

historically accurate and Freud famously

constantly making people deeply uncomfortable

makes me uncomfortable reading and hearing

this scene made me uncomfortable.

Now,

Freud, the most celebrated hack and weirdo

in fucking psychiatry of projecting his

own issues onto literally everyone, right?

Not everybody's that into their parents

sexually, dude.

That's just you.

So Henry jumps in after Freud actually quotes

young was saying the pendulum of the mind

swings between sense and nonsense, not

between right and wrong, which is the historical

version of the quote and it takes about five

seconds to get the old quacks to talk about

his preferred subject love.

So young goes first and he and Dr.

Jones bounce around the idea that romantic

love is an invention of the medieval troubadours

and Freud says that romantic love was invented

as a means of seduction because it's all about

sex because Freud is a fucking perv and he

drops a doozy of a quote.

He says romantic love is responsible for more

death and destruction than anything say possibly

religion and I was like goddamn Freud, but you're

not wrong.

That is correct, dude.

That's actually the most correct.

I mean if that's attributed to Freud, that's

probably the most correct thing he's ever said.

I don't I didn't actually look up this direct

quote as if it was a Freud quote, but in terms

of the line and there I was like, oh, that's

a drop in some truth bombs Freud Alfred Adler

finally decides to join the conversation and

states that all people possess both the masculine

and the feminine like images within them and

that love is a yearning for balance that you

find that other side of yourself that's not

expressed.

These are all the basic ideas that these men

were famous for all condensed into this little

dinner scene for for little Henry's and the

audience's benefit while his mommy clutches

her throat and pearls.

So Henry confesses to the good doctors that he

is in fact in love.

And so of course they decide that counseling

this nine year old boy is the most important

business of the evening.

Yeah, because this is once again the universe

where this kid all every time he meets anyone

of any significance they become like obsessed

with him like Picasso basically kidnapped him.

I mean, at least that's fun.

It was really only the episode where his mom

was getting her freak on where he just kind of

became a background character and didn't

really do a lot but every time else is all

these all these that was the only that was the

only time that it's like that was the most

real episode that was the most believable

story they've told 100% because he didn't do

anything outrageous and no adults got unreasonably

obsessed with nine year old boy, but in this

case, especially at this point in time, it's

these old have been weird.

These old men are just drunk at dinner and want

to decide they're going to help this little boy

out with his dilemma.

So Henry talks about Shelley's poem and then

says, where does love come into all that and

Freud answer makes Mrs.

Jones choking her food sex.

Yeah.

And Freud doubles down.

All love is derived from the need for sexual

gratification.

Even this boy's love of his mother and at this

point, Mrs.

Jones look like she's going to throw up and pass

out.

I would have too.

It's I might've thrown something at him like

excuse the fuck out of me and the women bail

as fast as possible and Mrs.

Jones wants to snatch her.

She'll take time for bed little Henry.

Yeah.

And he was, they were like, no, no, no.

And she doesn't put up a fight.

She just fucking leaves.

And it's not even like her husband said anything.

She's never puts up a fight.

But yeah, yeah.

At this point, no, it was completely inappropriate

for that kid to be there.

And she is a terrible, terrible mom for not

snatching her nine-year-old.

Well, the funniest part too is like, like

literally Dr.

Jones senior never leaves the room.

Even at this point, he's left the scene.

He doesn't say a goddamn thing for the rest of

time.

So when his wife tries to get their kid,

Freud's like, he's insist.

He's, you know, I, my apologies ladies,

but please let the boys stay.

We're going to talk about sex some more.

And so she, and then she looks over to the

back of her husband's head and she's like,

Oh, well I guess he's staying.

I can't say no to max van side.

Oh, I mean,

it's like, no, it would have made so much

more sense if mom would have been like,

okay, little Henry.

And that's when he was ushered out of the

room and he would have gotten into shenanigans.

Yeah.

No,

but we got to establish all this.

Freud States that love at Henry's age is

a powerful and dangerous thing, but they

all tell him to indulge and express his

feelings.

You know, he must just surrender to the

feelings and you have to let it out.

Young even says, you must not let the

castle walls keep you from your love.

And having no idea that Henry's crush is

a literal princess inside a castle.

So yeah, but his fucking father does and

doesn't say shit.

He, he's like, I said, he's just checked

out.

He's not even in the rest of the scene.

Was dad like just drunk in a corner?

Yeah.

He'd say one too many brandies and he's

like, oh,

cause yeah, none of this made sense.

Only the three old men talking to the

little boy at this point, even though his

dad's still in the room, a Freud gets the

last word in by saying that as far as he's

concerned, Henry is just being horny on

main.

This is all about your burgeoning sexual

doesn't have fucking pubes yet, but he

also tells him not to turn away from his

feelings to deny your love for someone is

dangerous, dangerous, both to you and to

the person you love shout out your love

loud.

And the other shrinks just agree while

Dr.

Jones sits there completely mute, even

though he actually knows that they're

telling him, yeah, you need to totally go

for it with his love of the princess that

got you in so much trouble at the

beginning of the episode.

Fuck him as a dad.

Well, I mean,

terrible parents.

Well, I mean the good news is, I mean,

you know, Miss Seymour is actually the

only fucking the most reasonable adult in

the room, 99 points percent of the time,

except for with Picasso.

I mean, in terms of some reason, in terms

of the audience in Indiana Jones, they

already knew going in, they had a troubled

relationship with his dad.

They did a bang up job of just showing

why even though apparently there is an

episode coming out where we see the dad

and son bond and we'll see how that goes.

But cut to nighttime in Vienna.

Henry was run screaming to the palace

gates where he is, he goes climbing up

like 10 feet up the gate and where he is

threatened by gunpoint and by angry dogs.

The German Shepherds on one side and a

dude with a rifle is on the other, but he

hangs on the gate and just fucking dares

them to shoot him and feed him to the

dogs.

Like no, I'm in love.

He's like, you will not go unless he gets

to speak to the Archduke personally.

And amazingly, this actually works.

I guess they just didn't feel like shooting

a kid that day.

Yeah, but they take him all the way up

and interrupt Archduke Ferdinand's fucking dinner.

Instead of saying, sure kid, climb down

and we'll let you see him and then

immediately just beat the crap out of him

and throw him in an alley.

Or a dungeon.

But instead they just escort him inside.

The head of household assures Henry that

the guards would have shot him dead and

the dogs would have enjoyed crunching his

little bones and Henry plays it cool.

I wasn't scared.

No, he wasn't.

He's too fucking goddamn dumb to be scared.

And the guy literally says, you should have

been, stupid little kid.

You were dumb.

So Henry gets his wish, interrupting the

mustachioed Archduke right at dinner.

Where he was, by the way, at the fucking

head of the table.

Imagine that.

Where the Archduke would normally expect

to see an Archduke.

He asked for permission to ask for the

princess's hand in marriage when he's older.

Then he asked if he can just say farewell

since they're leaving the next day and just

pours his little heart out with a mix of his

own feelings and the crap the three crazy

doctors told him at dinner.

Yeah.

And the Archduke is remarkably chill

about this whole thing.

He is very fucking chill.

He should have been in a dungeon awaiting

the Duke's pleasure after dinner.

I mean, to give the guy some credit, he does

not actually in fact give Henry what he wants,

but he still is super like cool about it to a point.

He gets a brick wall.

So he explains that he married his own wife

against his own father's wishes and he had

made a pledge that he'd allow his own children

to marry anyone they want as long as they're

Austrian and Henry's like, gosh, I guess

that rules me out.

Shucks.

Nice try.

My daughter's too good for you.

Fuck right off.

He's like, I admire your spunk kid.

Maybe you'll be a good soldier one day, but

get the hell out of here.

And the Archduke sends Henry packing with

no goodbye to the princess and calls for a

carriage to take Henry back to the American

embassy and to go to fucking bed.

Yeah.

So while Henry rides off in the carriage,

the Archduke checks in on sleeping Sophie

who is not sleeping.

And the moment her dad is gone, she springs

for the window to see Henry's carriage

slipping through the gates going away.

But this is Indiana Jones.

Now, funny enough, I actually rewatch this

episode as like, well, we were running the

kids around this morning.

So my eight year old son was watching this

and this was the point where he predicted.

He was like this.

He's like, he's just not going to go home.

He's going to be the fuck of going home now.

Yeah.

He's like, he's going to back into that

castle and he's like, get correct.

You've been paying attention.

So that's exactly what he's not going to

allow some German speaking motherfucker

to tell him what to do.

So after he's dropped off, he just sneaks

right into the trunk of the carriage, which

just takes him right back into the stables.

And from here, we get a bunch of threes

company style hijinks as Henry sneaks

and hides and

Oh my God.

The tiptoeing is the literal tiptoeing

like a cartoon.

I mean like the cartoon.

I mean, he might as well bumping into bumping

into a bust of somebody on a little stand

and almost knocking it over.

So here's the, we're going to follow his

movement.

So he's out in the state out of stable

window into a courtyard upstairs into another

window.

And then he spots a dumbwaiter, which he

climbs into and pulls on the rope to get

him up to a higher floor, which by the

way, my husband loved this.

He was like, dumb waiters are so cool.

I would have done that.

Uh, so apparently that's a nine year old

boy thing that they've wanted.

Every nine year old boy wants to sneak into

some rich place with a dumbwaiter.

So then Henry distracts a sleeping guard

with a rolling gourd and then he slips into

a music hall where the Royal family is

enjoying a lovely orchestral performance.

It's nice when you just have your own little

miniature orchestra.

You can just play you music before you go

to bed.

Well, they were obviously having company.

That's a, I mean, that's a rich people thing

to have done.

So yeah, that tracks they're having a music

hell.

Yeah.

So then he sneaks past the archduke and

fam runs upstairs, almost knocks over a

bearded, like bust of somebody.

And then he finds a secret passageway in

the library.

And this is also where my son was like, how

does he know where he's going?

Yeah.

It's like, well, my only thing is he did

see where the princess's room was from the

outside.

So maybe he's at least he's got, you know,

this is Indiana Jones where he's got a good

job of mentally mapping where he would be

related to the outside.

Yeah.

I mean, he would at least know what floor

to pyramid and which side of the house, at

least which way he's trying to go to get

there.

And that was my only guess.

The other thing is just, it's about you.

It's like, this is, you have to use your

suspension of disbelief, but it's really bad

when even the nine year old is like, this

is bullshit.

Yeah.

He should be just wandering around until

he gets caught.

Exactly what would have really happened.

But instead he sneaks in there link style.

Yeah.

He just like, he's going through there and

then he, he finds a secret passageway and

then he, he sneaks past a couple hooking up

and as they're getting it on, then he finally

finds the princess's Royal bed chambers.

And first there's the, your favorite, uh,

fear line is his sleeping in the outer thing.

And there's literally like a chair.

Locking Sophie inside.

Like she is a prisoner in there, but he

just goes over the window.

There's a shared balcony.

And then he just hops into Sophie's room

where she is just sitting up.

Her lights are all on.

Yeah.

She was like, I was hoping you'd come back.

I was waiting for a little toad person

to say, sorry, Indiana Jones.

Your princess is in another castle, but

no, she's there and she's happy to see him

instead of being completely horrified.

Yeah, no.

And it was almost like she was expecting

him to was like, I know this fucking kid.

I happened to be holding this gift

for you in my hand right now.

So she declares she has a gift for Henry,

which they lock it containing her picture

and a spoiler alert for later on.

We will see this locket, not only see it

again, but it will eventually save his life.

Henry gives Sophie the ice skater

snow globe and she loves it.

He promises to write to her and keep writing

her and he says, no one can take away

what I feel for you.

And it's at this moment, Indiana Jones

gets his first kiss.

Just a little sweet peck on the lips

followed by a hug.

You know that what you would expect

for a nine year old's first kiss.

And then Henry climbs down off the balcony,

makes his way down because it's a lot

easier to sneak out and sneak in,

which again, it's like, but how did

he get through?

They don't show you how he got through

the gates.

Yeah.

We just see him climb down.

I mean, the good news is, I guess he

could just get in the carriage because

they'd be leaving eventually or just walk

out to the gate and say, let me out.

I'm not supposed to be here.

I don't know.

We don't see whatever it is at this point.

Like I said, sneaking out is always

easier than sneaking in.

Nobody's looking for people trying to

get out.

So we just, you know, it's not, we

don't need to bother ourselves with that.

Besides we're literally fading back

into the 1990s as princess Sophie is

gazing longingly at the ice skating

couple in the snow globe.

Then we hear old Indies voice picking

up the narration as we transform back

into the God awful 1990s.

I guess she never got any of my letters.

I certainly not never got any from her.

But then again, the world turned out

to be a much crueler place than either

one of us could have imagined at that time.

And that's when the old eyed bastard

tests to see if his ploy actually worked.

I suppose I'm always stuck up in some

tree trying to save some cat, but that

doesn't make me crazy.

Does it?

I mean, he literally just said, I'm

always trying to get pussy.

And Freud was like, told you.

And, but the psychiatry did once again,

the, the, the powers of old Indian agenda

story to hypnotize and charm whoever has

been listening to him for the last five

hours and see, and this is where.

In actuality, instead of gushing all

over him and telling him how wonderful

he is and how he's not crazy.

And this is where she was like, of

course, you're not crazy as the people

come in with, they cut, he walks outside

to order, release, flake him, immediately

inject him with all the Thorazine, take

him off to the, to the crazy house.

Like, yes, this scene, this story told

me that's clearly bullshit.

Instead.

He done one demarked Mark owed her.

Yep.

She's like, I don't care that this is

full of shit.

I just love you.

This is great.

So she, I mean, she has this just beaming

smile on her face.

Just Mr.

Jones, you are neither crazy nor senile

and I shall write you a letter saying

just that.

Don't you worry.

He was like, great.

It may scheme has worked again.

It's confirmed that they've been in

her office for hours and that she's

probably blown off like four appointments.

Well, listen to this old windbag talking

about, you know, romancing an Austrian

princess, but his old indie dashes off

to go talk to someone else's ear.

She asked the question and you

were just talking about, did you

ever see her again?

And his answer, of course I did, but

that's another story, the end.

And it's, here's the spoiler alert.

The Sophie's locket does come up

again, but they never produced or even

hinted at one where she's a character.

This is the part of the show where

we go over the historical figures,

places, lessons, and artifacts featured

in the episode.

And boy, do we have some, so first

person we're going to talk about is

Archduke Franz Ferdinand.

Why do we care about him?

His assassination sparked world war one.

He was kind of a big deal.

Had that not happened.

He might not have been quite such big a deal.

He was the heir to the Austria,

Hungarian empire, his assassination

in Sarajevo in 1914 by a teenager named

Gabrielle Princep triggered a series

of events that quickly escalated into

that whole WW one thing, even though

we will once again, state our position

at chainsaw history, that George Washington

started the actual world war one.

See our very first episode ever.

If you want to know how that whole

thing went down or, or just Google the

seven years war in terms of how history

labels things, this is WW one.

And it all started when he got shot

while his car stalled in front of

a sandwich.

It was the war to end all wars,

Jamie, and aren't you glad that that

happened to make the world safe for

democracy.

And that was a thing that happened.

Aren't don't we feel safe.

Here's a few, you know, quick and dirty

facts about the archduke in real life.

Despite being the heir to the empire,

he was not particularly well loved by

either the emperor or the court.

He just like, as talked about in the

show, he married for love, not status,

which caused problems because he did

not want to marry a Habsburg and his

assassination is often noted for the

comical series of mishaps and coincidences

that led it to his death.

Cause it's like a failed assassination

attempt that hurt other people.

And then while he was trying to go to

the hospital to visit the people who got

hurt, they got lost.

Then they had to turn around and then

got stalled in front of one of the

failed assassins.

This 19 year old kids eating a sandwich

looks up and sees the guy they wanted

to kill right in front of him in a

stalled car.

So it's like, this is great.

And he pulled out his pistol and shoots

the guy and his wife and supposedly

his last words were to his wife to not

die, to think of the children.

And then he expired.

He was passionate about hunting and is

said to have collected over 300,000

hunting trophies.

That's a lot.

And they're like all supposed to be

animals.

He killed her.

That is a fucking lot.

It's a lot.

You're just an animal murderer.

How do you have time for anything else?

If you killed hundreds of thousands of

anything, he had a keen interest in

architecture and was involved in planning

several buildings and gardens.

How?

While he was hunting?

Multitask.

He was on a horse, growing up some

shit.

As far as his marriage goes, he married

Countess Sophie Chotek in 1900.

And their marriage was considered

morganatic, more genetic.

I'm not familiar with the word.

It means not of equal social rank.

So this caused a whole stir because she

was not of royal blood and their children

were not allowed to inherit the throne,

which is why he's like, you can marry

whoever you want.

They have to be from our country.

So in their union, which was a one of

love and not of

I mean, it was a legit, that's fine.

Like it was, it was a 20th century actual

romance story of where they got some of

those.

I mean, think about how different World

War II had been had Edward not succeeded

the throne, we would have had King Nazi

sympathizer with just a royal mistress

instead of him putting his foot down and

saying, no, I want to marry this bitch.

But she still would have had a Winston

Churchill, Winston Churchill.

Yeah.

The little minor things of history.

Sure.

So their kids are not eligible for the

throne.

And those include princess Sophie of

Hulkenberg, Maximilian Duke of Hulkenberg

and Prince Ernst of Hulkenberg.

And despite the controversy surrounding

their marriage, the family was known to

be close knit and loving.

And like I said, the dude's last words

were about his children and not wanting

his wife to die.

He legit loved his family.

Which is all fine.

So that's basically, that's, that's the

Archduke.

And then like I said, but the most

important thing about him is he died and

then the world was plunged into a goddamn

nightmare.

Like so many people died just because he

died.

And of course, next on his list is his

daughter, Princess Sophie, the object of

little Indies affections.

We'll see if she comes back.

And the, we'll see if I'm right or wrong

on that one.

Really, she's only important for being

the daughter of the Archduke, but here's

a few things about her.

She was just, her whole life was shadowed

by the fact that World War I was started

by the death of her parents.

She was only 14 when her parents died.

And then she and her siblings were taken

in by their uncle and aunt, the prince

and princess of Von Hulkenberg.

And despite her Royal lineage, her life

was relatively quiet and removed from the

political spotlight.

Just due to the marriage of her parents,

she wasn't even eligible for anything.

And the whole landscape changed very

drastically during the course of the war.

Anyway.

Yeah.

I mean, at that point, it'd be like,

I would like to lay as low as humanly

possible.

Thank you very much.

And she later married Count Friedrich

Von Notzertreineck and had children

continuing her lineage, despite the tragic

early loss of her parents.

Now, as far as her family goes, they had

those four children.

World War II, the family was, had some

issues, we'll say.

They were arrested in 1945 and interned

in concentration camps by the German

Gestapo, but they survived.

And they, but the experience left this

really profound impact on them all.

Well, yeah, as it does.

And then after the war, the family's

properties in Czechoslovakia were

confiscated.

It's nationalized the property of all

Germans at the conclusion of the war, all

Germans, Hungarians, and traitors.

The family was left without their ancestral

estates and basically spent her later

years in obscurity, just not having much

to do.

She died in 1990, having outlived just

about everybody that had been around for

World War I.

Good for herish question mark.

And now we'll get...

I mean, I hope she wasn't like, having

your property confiscated, I hope she

didn't like, I'm sure she still didn't

live in poverty.

No, she was, I mean, she was a little rich

girl who married a, you know, rich dude.

And, but then yeah, throwing the

concentration camp, had all their shit

seized, definitely had her fortunes change,

but she doesn't seem like she would,

there's nothing about her being either

a particularly good or bad person.

She just was a person, had some shit.

Happened to her.

And now onto the whole point where George

Lucas at one point wrote, scribbled on

a napkin, Indiana Jones meets Sigmund

Freud.

And so we'll talk about Sigmund Freud as

portrayed by Max von Sydow, once again,

not doing any work to sound anything like

Sigmund Freud.

He's like, all I gotta do is smoke a

cigar and be awesome.

And he did, but the historical Freud,

historical Freud known as being the founder

of psychoanalysis.

He was an Austrian neurologist who became

known as, you know, except the founding

father's psychoanalysis.

And it's that whole, that whole basic

idea of you talk the patient and the