Welcome to the sixth and last episode of the first season of the comedy audio-dram, Chartreuse's Epic Rap Battle. In this episode the ladies battle it out for the crown.

This is a serialized audio-drama. If this is your first time listening, it's advisable you begin with episode one.

For more information check out our website at deepdrag.com

A full list of music and sample credits can be found here: https://www.patreon.com/posts/57901336

[Warden] How long have I been warden this correctional facility?

Well, I guess it's been about 22 years now.

Uh you know, I got into this field because I wanted to help rehabilitate folks.

[Narrator] Is that why you let them do the rap battle?

Is it a form of rehabilitation?

[Warden] Um, I can't say that I had much to do with their, uh you know, rap night.

Uh you know, a couple of years ago a few of them started rapping on the basketball court,

uh if you will.

And uh after thinking about it, I thought you know well, why not give them a stage to

uh really perform.

Uh so, this year we went about it a bit differently, and uh we're doing it in the chow hall.

And uh you know, we're bringing a little stage from the you know a local school.

And uh, they're gonna have access to the, um uh you know uh, public announcement uh

pa system if you will.

[Narrator] Wow, that's really kind of you, sir.

[Warden] Well you know, heck uh, it's one night out of the year, so uh you know, why

not let them have a good time.

[Narrator] Well I think that's all I need.

I guess I’ll get going.

[Warden] Yeah can I give you a piece of advice, buddy.

[Narrator] Sure.

[Warden] Tonight you might want to record from the back of the room.

You see, I’m gonna have four COs with mini-16s on the catwalk above you.

And uh you know, I wouldn't want you to accidentally get shot, if something goes wrong.

[Narrator] You sure that's necessary?

[Warden] Well I mean you never know.

You know, the rap seems to bring out the devil in these people.

So you know, just think about it.

[Narrator] In 1998 a radio producer was allowed to record in a Manitoba correctional facility.

These are the stories of the women inside.

[Song Lyrics] Come on now. That's Right.

When I say hard, you say time.

Hard! [Crowd] Time

When I say Rap, you say Battle.

Rap! [Crowd] Battle!

That's right sucker.

Chartreuse's Epic Rap Battle

[Miss Minj] Fucking just breathe, just breathe.

Oh you fucking cunt!

Ah!

[Correctional Officer #1] Open up.

We got a gurney headed for medical.

[Miss Minj] Oh for fuck sake, can you watch where you're going, please.

Maybe not hit every possible bump in the hospital.

Ah!

Oh fucking hell.

That was on purpose.

Now you're just taking the piss.

[Correctional Officer #1] Inmate k82294, delivered to medical.

[Miss Minj] What?

Are you serious?

You're just gonna fucking leave me.

Where's the doctor, right.

Where's the morphine?

[Narrator] Is it normal for them to have to call in a doctor?

[Miss Minj] What?

Yeah mate.

Free staff don't usually work in the evenings.

So you know, they only come in for emergencies.

Ah my leg is just like throbbing, you know.

It's just like throbbing with pain.

[Narrator] Can you describe what happened?

[Miss Minj] Do I look like I want to fucking paint a picture for your audience?

I mean there's a fucking toothbrush sticking out my thigh.

[Narrator] I didn't have the tape player recording when it happened.

[Miss Minj] You didn't have the fucking tape...

I don't give a fuck mate, okay.

Can you do something useful, please.

Like I’m in pain here, you know what I’m saying.

Like go take a walk down the hall and see if there's a fucking nurse that can do some

first aid before I fucking bleed out.

[Narrator] I’ll see what I can do.

[Mabel] Now we all know why we came here.

So make some noise.

[Crowd Cheers]

[Mabel] I can't hear you.

[Crowd Cheers]

[Mabel] That's right, that's right.

We got the fourth annual epic rap battle, the main event on main line.

Tonight you're gonna hear everything from elementary ear candy to rap phenomenons.

The winner will receive three rap grand masters and a packet of Little Debbie Donuts.

First up we got Lady Ping Pong versus the Goldtooth Mama.

Come on up here.

You each get 30 seconds on the mic.

Lady Ping Pong, you're up first.

[Crowd Cheers]

[Chartreuse] That's right girl. You peel it like an orange baby.

[Lady Ping Pong] oh yeah motherfucker, I’m going to peel it and steal it so motherfucking hard.

[Mabel] Yo Cherokee give me a beat.

[Music Begins]

[Lady Ping Pong] Oh, I go now? Okay.

[Lady Ping Pong Lyrics] Miss Ping Pong like to ride ding dong.

Climb Empire State like my name is King Kong.

Something that you need?

For sure I can get it.

Need a hot rhyme?

You know I can spit it.

Fire out my mouth like a dragon lady.

Talk shit behind your back cause you know I’m shady.

Drop dollars on your ass like kung fu shit.

Beat your ass in the yard with some kung fu shit.

[Cuddles] Hiya.

[Narrator] Cuddles, what are you doing here?

[Cuddles] I just had to make sure Minj was okay.

[Narrator] I think this is a restricted area.

[Cuddles] I really need to see her.

She's gonna hate me if I don't.

[Narrator]I don't know.

Don't you think you should go back to your cell.

[Cuddles] I just need two secs.

I promise I won't tell anybody.

[Narrator] One minute to say sorry, and then I’m walking you back home.

[Cuddles] Anything you say.

[Miss Minj] Ah well, you took your sweet time getting here.

[Cuddles] I’m so sorry babe.

I didn't mean to shank you.

[Miss Minj] Yeah right, whatever.

It's all right, love.

I mean, the truth is it was fucking stupid of me to take a nappy with you before the

rap battle.

I don't know what I was thinking.

I mean, I should have been getting like proper pumped, you know like.

I should have been doing me tae-bo, right.

You know that Billy Banks always gets me going.

[Cuddles] He gets me pretty pumped too.

[Miss Minj] God Cuddles, have some manners.

You look like you're about to ovulate all over the floor.

My only regret about this whole thing is that I’m not going to be able to win the rap battle.

You know, because I was like a shoe-in.

Like I’m obviously the best and I’ve spent months working on me lyrics.

You know, I’ve got this new song that's like the pinnacle of me rap career and now

it's all fucked.

[Cuddles] After you get signed by a record company, you won't care about a prison rap battle.

[Miss Minj] Yeah I mean, I guess.

It's just like difficult to stay positive when like none of the labels have responded

to me letters.

[Cuddles] Babe don't worry.

We'll get you signed.

Berry said he knows a guy in the entertainment business.

[Miss Minj] Berry, who the hell is Berry, Cuddles?

[Music Begins]

[Lady Ping Pong Lyrics] Shower shoes, I got them.

Razor blades, I got them.

Hand grenades, no problem.

Chambermaid, no problem.

Running shit like a Home Depot... game so damn big, hoes just don't know.

Winning rap battle... with my second language.

Leave these round eyed bitches just lying in anguish.

Shoot ping pong balls out my pussy.

For a dollar you can put it in my tooshy.

[Crowd Cheers]

[Mabel] Goldtooth Mama come on up here.

You get 30 seconds.

[Crowd Cheers]

[Music Begins]

[Goldtooth Mama Lyrics] One, zero, zero, one, zero, zero, one.

One, zero, zero, one, zero, zero, one, zero one, one, zero.

One zero.

[Crowd Cheers]

[Mabel] Damn, Goldtooth Mama, them lyrics is fire.

[Chartreuse] Oh yeah, that song really moved me.

I mean, I got a little teary-eyed in the end.

I mean, the way the Goldtooth Mama express being a non-binary locked up inside a binary

world, damn, that's some next level shit right there bitch.

[Mabel] Sorry Lady Ping Pong, but I think you're out.

Goldtooth Mama's going to the next round.

Next, we got Chop Suzzy.

Come on up here, girl, You get 30 seconds.

[Chop Suzzy] Alrighty then, I guess it's my turn to rap.

[Mabel] Cherokee, light this place up.

[Music Begins]

[Chop Suzzy Lyrics] Now I ain't saying nothing about nothing.

But back in the day I was rustlin' and hustlin'.

Used to be a bar called the Wild Stallion.

Friday nights I'd head on down.

Perched on the corner slinging my wares.

Fella comes up looking for shares.

Now I got blow, bennies, and ludes.

Take a handful of whatever you choose.

Man shook his head side to side.

Said he wanted that honey pot.

Honey pot, honey pot, he wanted that sweet, sweet, honey pot.

Honey pot, honey pot, he wanted that sweet, sweet, honey pot.

Well, you all know I don't roll that way.

I punched him in the dick and went on my way.

Well, you all know I don't roll that way.

I punched him in the dick and went on my way.

[Crowd Cheers]

[Narrator] Cuddles, let's get going.

I need to get you back before 10 o'clock count.

[Miss Minj] Really?

You're just gonna leave me here?

I’ve heard of people sitting around here for three-four hours before anybody comes

to patch them up.

[Cuddles] Can't we just stay a little longer?

[Narrator] Five minutes and then we're going.

[Cuddles] You know Berry once sat in the hospital for a whole week while his mother died.

[Miss Minj] Here we go.

Now you're going on about this Berry bloke again.

Oh, ah, oh, fucking hell.

Why is this the first time I’m hearing about him?

[Cuddles] We need to stay somewhere when we get out.

[Miss Minj] Oh now we're supposed to live with this guy, right.

I mean, I imagine he'll have a cot for me in the garage while you two are off shagging.

[Cuddles] He's got a woodshed in the backyard.

[Miss Minj] Oh oh, a woodshed.

Yeah that sounds lovely.

Berry sounds like a real lovely bloke, a proper humanitarian, huh.

I can't wait to sleep in his woodshed, yeah.

Sounds like me dream.

Tell me is the woodshed right next to the bins?

Will I wake up every morning to the smell of rotten cantaloupe?

[Cuddles] I don't know if he eats cantaloupe.

[Miss Minj] So I suppose the last three years meant nothing?

Just a bit of fun to pass the time.

You've just been waiting around for this Berry bloke, ehh?

[Cuddles] Berry's a big supporter of polygamous marriages.

[Miss Minj] What?

Are you fucking serious?

You think I’m gonna marry this cunt?

You want me to be like his second wife?

Am I supposed to be the wife that like sticks me fingers up his ass, while he's giving you

the old in-out, in-out?

[Cuddles] He was just trying to be nice.

[Miss Minj] Cuddles, seriously, have you not figured it out yet?

I’m a fucking les.

I like licking fannies.

[Music Begins]

[Goldtooth Mama Lyrics] One, zero, zero, one, zero, zero, one.

One, zero, zero, one, zero, zero, one, zero one, one, zero.

[Crowd Cheers]

One zero.

[Chartreuse] Damn, the Goldtooth Mama sure does go deep.

I mean, it's like a roller coaster listening to that.

You never know which direction you going in: up, down, got you spinning round.

[Mabel] I’m sorry Chop Suzzy, but I think we gotta give this one to the Goldtooth Mama.

[Chartreuse] Goldtooth Mama!

[Mabel] Next up, we got the queen of rap, the diva of dictation, the Lady Chartreuse.

[Chartreuse] Chartreuse in the house!

[Mabel] Come on up here and give us a little taste.

[Chartreuse] Hey Cherokee, drop that beat bitch.

[Music Begins]

[Chartreuse Lyrics] Yeah what up bitches.

Chartreuse in the motherfuckin' house.

Mama Truce.

Yo, this one goes out to the 95-96 LA Lakers.

Uh uh, here we go, what.

Nick the quick with a handle so sick... like to get him on my court and enjoy that stick.

Shooting three so deep boy got me on my feet... in the purple and gold boy looking so sweet.

[Miss Minj] Ugh, ah, fucking hell.

Cuddles could you have put this thing in any deeper?

[Cuddles] I didn't do it on purpose.

[Miss Minj] Ugh, Ah!

Fucking hell, it hurts!

Can you go over there to that cabinet and see if there's any antiseptic or like bandages

or something?

[Cuddles] Sure thing.

[Narrator] I’m not sure what you're planning, but I think I could get in a lot of trouble

for this.

[Miss Minj] Ah! Ain't it fucking obvious, mate?

Cuddles is gonna do me surgery.

[Cuddles] I found a bottle of hydrogen peroxide and some gauze.

[Miss Minj] Well that's it then.

Pull this thing out of me.

[Narrator] Shouldn't we wait for a doctor?

[Miss Minj] I might be fucking dead by the time that geezer gets here.

Come on Cuddles, get it over.

[Cuddles] Okay, I’m gonna pull it out as fast as I can.

Count of three.

One, Two...

[Miss Minj] Ah!

Ah!

Oh Cuddles, that was the count of fucking two.

Who does it on the count of fucking two?

[Music begins]

[Chartreuse Lyrics] Uh, uh, What!

Yeah!

Eddie Jones giving me a basketball jones... like to get that uniform off and measure them

bones.

Silky smooth with a finger roll... send chills down my spine, make me lose control.

Cerdric Ceballos got me feeling lawless...

I'm straight rolling on the floor like a stripper for them Dollas.

360 dunk make me feel that funk... see you in the parking lot show you the junk in my

trunk.

What! Um!

[Crowd Cheers]

[Mabel] Goldtooth Mama, you get 30 seconds.

[Music Begins]

[Goldtooth Mama Lyrics] One, zero, zero, one, zero, zero, one.

One, zero, zero, one, zero, zero, one...

[Crowd Boos]

[Chartreuse] Come on Goldtooth.

If you didn't have a third song, you should have said so.

I mean, them lyrics is dope, but ain't nobody wanna hear the same song twice.

[Mabel] I have to agree.

I think this round goes to Chartreuse.

[Crowd Cheers]

Looks like we've come to the moment we've all been waiting for.

Miss Minj get your ass up here.

[Lady Ping Pong] Minjie no here.

Cuddles shank her with motherfucking toothbrush.

[Chartreuse] For reals?

Minjie's stuck up in medical?

[Lady Ping Pong] Oh Cuddles shank her good.

Skewer her like cobra in rice paddy.

[Chartreuse] Well shit, I guess that means I win by forfeit.

I mean it don't seem right, but what else we gonna do?

Hey Cherokee, spin some music while they put this here crown on me.

[Mabel] And the winner of this year's, epic... rap... battle...

[Miss Minj] Oye!

Oye mate!

The rap battle ain't over yet, yeah.

I’m here to take you down a tier.

[Chartreuse] Damn Minj, you came to the rap battle on crutch sticks

[Miss Minj] Yeah, that's right.

I’m not gonna let you cheat your way to victory.

[Chartreuse] I’m ready to get down and dirty with your ass.

[Miss Minj] Fine by me.

[Mabel] Chartreuse won the last round.

So she's got the first 30 seconds.

[Chartreuse] Hey Cherokee, hook a sister up.

[Music Begins

[Chartreuse Lyrics] Big Mama Truce, there ain't no other.

Making pruno on the block since your mom's gam-mother.

Getting tuna all day.

Up in the cell block, if you ain't with that then go suck a fat cock.

This skinny ass bitch thinks her rhymes is top dollar but Truce brush you off like dirt on a collar.

Hip-hop-ola since before I’ve been locked up with rhymes so blessed straight get you fucked up.

Better ask somebody how I flip the script.

Come down to the block and that ass will get flipped.

Get that bass oh negro.

Then I treat you like a pego.

Ask me if I paid the bill, bitch please hell no.

Chartreuse's a big girl, so you know I came to eat.

Now show some damn respect, and get your ass out my seat.

[Crowd Cheers]

Give me that crown, bitch!

[Miss Minj] Oye Chartreuse!

1982 called. They want their lyrics back.

[Chartreuse] Girl shit, I just break shit off and serve it like a dish.

[Crowd] Oooh.

[Miss Minj] Well, I guess the crowd will decide.

Here's me new single.

Cherokee drop the beat.

[Music Begins]

[Miss Minj Lyrics] Yeah that's right it's Minj.

MC Minjie Minj.

Yeah.

Let's jam it.

The action, be jam packed like a closet.

Beats to make you get up and flow like a faucet.

Not meant to make you sit.

Not meant to make you jump.

But meant to make you get up and shake your rump.

Me like the way you comb your hair.

Me like the stylish clothes you wear.

It's just the little things you do, that makes me wanna get with you.

Minj.

Minjie, Minj, Minj, Minj.

Minj.

[Chartreuse] Oh hell no bitch!

You stole them lyrics.

That's shit's on the radio motherfucker.

[Miss Minj] What you talking about Chartreuse?

[Chartreuse] Yeah I heard them goddamn...

That's Rumpshaker bitch.

You can't be using that.

Hell no.

You out the competition girl.

Fuck that.

[Miss Minj] What you saying somebody stole me song and got a record deal with it?

[Chartreuse] Shit girl, what I’m saying is that's against the motherfucking rules.

[Crowd Cheers]

[Mabel] The people have spoken.

This year's winner of the rap battle is Chartreuse.

[Crowd Cheers]

[Miss Minj] Are you fucking serious?

I’m up here rapping on crutches and you're giving her the crown?

Pomp and Circumstance]

[Chartreuse] Oh lordy, I’ve been waiting all year for this moment.

You know I’d like to thank all the folks that made this happen.

And of course, I gotta thank my girl Cherokee up there spinning them ones and twos.

You know she got them skills on those Technics.

And uh let's see here.

Um, I gotta thank all the girls on my basketball team.

You know they been showing me support for all these years.

I have to thank Lady Ping Pong.

You know Lady Ping Pong been hooking it up...

[Gun Tower] Night yard is terminated.

Return to your housing units.

[Chartreuse] ...Oh, oh damn, that's like the orchestra music sending me off.

All right. Well, I guess we'll see y'all next year, then.

[Chartreuse] Hey Miss Minj, where you going?

[Miss Minj] Where you think?

Back to our shithole of a flat in A-block.

[Chartreuse] Nah girl, you coming with me to the E-building.

Chartreuse did your paperwork last night.

Got you a luxury suite.

[Miss Minj] You fucking serious?

[Chartreuse] Hey, I don't clown when it comes to my houses.

[Miss Minj] Well fucking hell Chartreuse.

I don't know what to say.

That's uh that's proper decent of you.

[Chartreuse] You can say, 'Chartreuse I’m bringing you my rent money tomorrow,' and

by the way I’m only charging you two soups a month so you better not fuck with me girl.

[Miss Minj] All right, all right, fair enough, fair enough.

So I don't suppose I could keep me Sony Walkman Cassette Tape Player then, eh?

[Chartreuse] Bitch don't talk crazy.

I’m turning that shit into a tattoo gun.

[Miss Minj] Yeah right, figured as much.

[Miss Minj] Well that rap battle's got me starved.

[Cuddles] You know Berry sent me a poutine recipe.

[Chartreuse] Oh child, I love me some poutine.

Does Berry make it with curry?

You know you gotta throw little curry spice in that motherfuckin' gravy.

[Miss Minj] oh for fuck sake.

[End Music]