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Chartreuse's Epic Rap Battle - EP#6 - The Crown
Episode 627th December 2021 • Chartreuse's Epic Rap Battle • Deep Drag
00:00:00 00:24:54

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Welcome to the sixth and last episode of the first season of the comedy audio-dram, Chartreuse's Epic Rap Battle. In this episode the ladies battle it out for the crown.

This is a serialized audio-drama. If this is your first time listening, it's advisable you begin with episode one.

For more information check out our website at deepdrag.com

A full list of music and sample credits can be found here: https://www.patreon.com/posts/57901336

Transcripts

Speaker:

[Warden] How long have I been warden this correctional facility?

Speaker:

Well, I guess it's been about 22 years now.

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Uh you know, I got into this field because I wanted to help rehabilitate folks.

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[Narrator] Is that why you let them do the rap battle?

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Is it a form of rehabilitation?

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[Warden] Um, I can't say that I had much to do with their, uh you know, rap night.

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Uh you know, a couple of years ago a few of them started rapping on the basketball court,

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uh if you will.

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And uh after thinking about it, I thought you know well, why not give them a stage to

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uh really perform.

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Uh so, this year we went about it a bit differently, and uh we're doing it in the chow hall.

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And uh you know, we're bringing a little stage from the you know a local school.

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And uh, they're gonna have access to the, um uh you know uh, public announcement uh

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pa system if you will.

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[Narrator] Wow, that's really kind of you, sir.

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[Warden] Well you know, heck uh, it's one night out of the year, so uh you know, why

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not let them have a good time.

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[Narrator] Well I think that's all I need.

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I guess I’ll get going.

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[Warden] Yeah can I give you a piece of advice, buddy.

Speaker:

[Narrator] Sure.

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[Warden] Tonight you might want to record from the back of the room.

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You see, I’m gonna have four COs with mini-16s on the catwalk above you.

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And uh you know, I wouldn't want you to accidentally get shot, if something goes wrong.

Speaker:

[Narrator] You sure that's necessary?

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[Warden] Well I mean you never know.

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You know, the rap seems to bring out the devil in these people.

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So you know, just think about it.

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[Narrator] In 1998 a radio producer was allowed to record in a Manitoba correctional facility.

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These are the stories of the women inside.

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[Song Lyrics] Come on now. That's Right.

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When I say hard, you say time.

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Hard! [Crowd] Time

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When I say Rap, you say Battle.

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Rap! [Crowd] Battle!

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That's right sucker.

Speaker:

Chartreuse's Epic Rap Battle

Speaker:

[Miss Minj] Fucking just breathe, just breathe.

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Oh you fucking cunt!

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Ah!

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[Correctional Officer #1] Open up.

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We got a gurney headed for medical.

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[Miss Minj] Oh for fuck sake, can you watch where you're going, please.

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Maybe not hit every possible bump in the hospital.

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Ah!

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Oh fucking hell.

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That was on purpose.

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Now you're just taking the piss.

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[Correctional Officer #1] Inmate k82294, delivered to medical.

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[Miss Minj] What?

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Are you serious?

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You're just gonna fucking leave me.

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Where's the doctor, right.

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Where's the morphine?

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[Narrator] Is it normal for them to have to call in a doctor?

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[Miss Minj] What?

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Yeah mate.

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Free staff don't usually work in the evenings.

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So you know, they only come in for emergencies.

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Ah my leg is just like throbbing, you know.

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It's just like throbbing with pain.

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[Narrator] Can you describe what happened?

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[Miss Minj] Do I look like I want to fucking paint a picture for your audience?

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I mean there's a fucking toothbrush sticking out my thigh.

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[Narrator] I didn't have the tape player recording when it happened.

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[Miss Minj] You didn't have the fucking tape...

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I don't give a fuck mate, okay.

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Can you do something useful, please.

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Like I’m in pain here, you know what I’m saying.

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Like go take a walk down the hall and see if there's a fucking nurse that can do some

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first aid before I fucking bleed out.

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[Narrator] I’ll see what I can do.

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[Mabel] Now we all know why we came here.

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So make some noise.

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[Crowd Cheers]

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[Mabel] I can't hear you.

Speaker:

[Crowd Cheers]

Speaker:

[Mabel] That's right, that's right.

Speaker:

We got the fourth annual epic rap battle, the main event on main line.

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Tonight you're gonna hear everything from elementary ear candy to rap phenomenons.

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The winner will receive three rap grand masters and a packet of Little Debbie Donuts.

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First up we got Lady Ping Pong versus the Goldtooth Mama.

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Come on up here.

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You each get 30 seconds on the mic.

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Lady Ping Pong, you're up first.

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[Crowd Cheers]

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[Chartreuse] That's right girl. You peel it like an orange baby.

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[Lady Ping Pong] oh yeah motherfucker, I’m going to peel it and steal it so motherfucking hard.

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[Mabel] Yo Cherokee give me a beat.

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[Music Begins]

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[Lady Ping Pong] Oh, I go now? Okay.

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[Lady Ping Pong Lyrics] Miss Ping Pong like to ride ding dong.

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Climb Empire State like my name is King Kong.

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Something that you need?

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For sure I can get it.

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Need a hot rhyme?

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You know I can spit it.

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Fire out my mouth like a dragon lady.

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Talk shit behind your back cause you know I’m shady.

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Drop dollars on your ass like kung fu shit.

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Beat your ass in the yard with some kung fu shit.

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[Cuddles] Hiya.

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[Narrator] Cuddles, what are you doing here?

Speaker:

[Cuddles] I just had to make sure Minj was okay.

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[Narrator] I think this is a restricted area.

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[Cuddles] I really need to see her.

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She's gonna hate me if I don't.

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[Narrator]I don't know.

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Don't you think you should go back to your cell.

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[Cuddles] I just need two secs.

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I promise I won't tell anybody.

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[Narrator] One minute to say sorry, and then I’m walking you back home.

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[Cuddles] Anything you say.

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[Miss Minj] Ah well, you took your sweet time getting here.

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[Cuddles] I’m so sorry babe.

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I didn't mean to shank you.

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[Miss Minj] Yeah right, whatever.

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It's all right, love.

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I mean, the truth is it was fucking stupid of me to take a nappy with you before the

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rap battle.

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I don't know what I was thinking.

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I mean, I should have been getting like proper pumped, you know like.

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I should have been doing me tae-bo, right.

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You know that Billy Banks always gets me going.

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[Cuddles] He gets me pretty pumped too.

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[Miss Minj] God Cuddles, have some manners.

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You look like you're about to ovulate all over the floor.

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My only regret about this whole thing is that I’m not going to be able to win the rap battle.

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You know, because I was like a shoe-in.

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Like I’m obviously the best and I’ve spent months working on me lyrics.

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You know, I’ve got this new song that's like the pinnacle of me rap career and now

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it's all fucked.

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[Cuddles] After you get signed by a record company, you won't care about a prison rap battle.

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[Miss Minj] Yeah I mean, I guess.

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It's just like difficult to stay positive when like none of the labels have responded

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to me letters.

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[Cuddles] Babe don't worry.

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We'll get you signed.

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Berry said he knows a guy in the entertainment business.

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[Miss Minj] Berry, who the hell is Berry, Cuddles?

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[Music Begins]

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[Lady Ping Pong Lyrics] Shower shoes, I got them.

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Razor blades, I got them.

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Hand grenades, no problem.

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Chambermaid, no problem.

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Running shit like a Home Depot... game so damn big, hoes just don't know.

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Winning rap battle... with my second language.

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Leave these round eyed bitches just lying in anguish.

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Shoot ping pong balls out my pussy.

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For a dollar you can put it in my tooshy.

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[Crowd Cheers]

Speaker:

[Mabel] Goldtooth Mama come on up here.

Speaker:

You get 30 seconds.

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[Crowd Cheers]

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[Music Begins]

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[Goldtooth Mama Lyrics] One, zero, zero, one, zero, zero, one.

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One, zero, zero, one, zero, zero, one, zero one, one, zero.

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One zero.

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[Crowd Cheers]

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[Mabel] Damn, Goldtooth Mama, them lyrics is fire.

Speaker:

[Chartreuse] Oh yeah, that song really moved me.

Speaker:

I mean, I got a little teary-eyed in the end.

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I mean, the way the Goldtooth Mama express being a non-binary locked up inside a binary

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world, damn, that's some next level shit right there bitch.

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[Mabel] Sorry Lady Ping Pong, but I think you're out.

Speaker:

Goldtooth Mama's going to the next round.

Speaker:

Next, we got Chop Suzzy.

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Come on up here, girl, You get 30 seconds.

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[Chop Suzzy] Alrighty then, I guess it's my turn to rap.

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[Mabel] Cherokee, light this place up.

Speaker:

[Music Begins]

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[Chop Suzzy Lyrics] Now I ain't saying nothing about nothing.

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But back in the day I was rustlin' and hustlin'.

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Used to be a bar called the Wild Stallion.

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Friday nights I'd head on down.

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Perched on the corner slinging my wares.

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Fella comes up looking for shares.

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Now I got blow, bennies, and ludes.

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Take a handful of whatever you choose.

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Man shook his head side to side.

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Said he wanted that honey pot.

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Honey pot, honey pot, he wanted that sweet, sweet, honey pot.

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Honey pot, honey pot, he wanted that sweet, sweet, honey pot.

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Well, you all know I don't roll that way.

Speaker:

I punched him in the dick and went on my way.

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Well, you all know I don't roll that way.

Speaker:

I punched him in the dick and went on my way.

Speaker:

[Crowd Cheers]

Speaker:

[Narrator] Cuddles, let's get going.

Speaker:

I need to get you back before 10 o'clock count.

Speaker:

[Miss Minj] Really?

Speaker:

You're just gonna leave me here?

Speaker:

I’ve heard of people sitting around here for three-four hours before anybody comes

Speaker:

to patch them up.

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[Cuddles] Can't we just stay a little longer?

Speaker:

[Narrator] Five minutes and then we're going.

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[Cuddles] You know Berry once sat in the hospital for a whole week while his mother died.

Speaker:

[Miss Minj] Here we go.

Speaker:

Now you're going on about this Berry bloke again.

Speaker:

Oh, ah, oh, fucking hell.

Speaker:

Why is this the first time I’m hearing about him?

Speaker:

[Cuddles] We need to stay somewhere when we get out.

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[Miss Minj] Oh now we're supposed to live with this guy, right.

Speaker:

I mean, I imagine he'll have a cot for me in the garage while you two are off shagging.

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[Cuddles] He's got a woodshed in the backyard.

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[Miss Minj] Oh oh, a woodshed.

Speaker:

Yeah that sounds lovely.

Speaker:

Berry sounds like a real lovely bloke, a proper humanitarian, huh.

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I can't wait to sleep in his woodshed, yeah.

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Sounds like me dream.

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Tell me is the woodshed right next to the bins?

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Will I wake up every morning to the smell of rotten cantaloupe?

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[Cuddles] I don't know if he eats cantaloupe.

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[Miss Minj] So I suppose the last three years meant nothing?

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Just a bit of fun to pass the time.

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You've just been waiting around for this Berry bloke, ehh?

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[Cuddles] Berry's a big supporter of polygamous marriages.

Speaker:

[Miss Minj] What?

Speaker:

Are you fucking serious?

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You think I’m gonna marry this cunt?

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You want me to be like his second wife?

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Am I supposed to be the wife that like sticks me fingers up his ass, while he's giving you

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the old in-out, in-out?

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[Cuddles] He was just trying to be nice.

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[Miss Minj] Cuddles, seriously, have you not figured it out yet?

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I’m a fucking les.

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I like licking fannies.

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[Music Begins]

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[Goldtooth Mama Lyrics] One, zero, zero, one, zero, zero, one.

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One, zero, zero, one, zero, zero, one, zero one, one, zero.

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[Crowd Cheers]

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One zero.

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[Chartreuse] Damn, the Goldtooth Mama sure does go deep.

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I mean, it's like a roller coaster listening to that.

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You never know which direction you going in: up, down, got you spinning round.

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[Mabel] I’m sorry Chop Suzzy, but I think we gotta give this one to the Goldtooth Mama.

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[Chartreuse] Goldtooth Mama!

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[Mabel] Next up, we got the queen of rap, the diva of dictation, the Lady Chartreuse.

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[Chartreuse] Chartreuse in the house!

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[Mabel] Come on up here and give us a little taste.

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[Chartreuse] Hey Cherokee, drop that beat bitch.

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[Music Begins]

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[Chartreuse Lyrics] Yeah what up bitches.

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Chartreuse in the motherfuckin' house.

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Mama Truce.

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Yo, this one goes out to the 95-96 LA Lakers.

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Uh uh, here we go, what.

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Nick the quick with a handle so sick... like to get him on my court and enjoy that stick.

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Shooting three so deep boy got me on my feet... in the purple and gold boy looking so sweet.

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[Miss Minj] Ugh, ah, fucking hell.

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Cuddles could you have put this thing in any deeper?

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[Cuddles] I didn't do it on purpose.

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[Miss Minj] Ugh, Ah!

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Fucking hell, it hurts!

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Can you go over there to that cabinet and see if there's any antiseptic or like bandages

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or something?

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[Cuddles] Sure thing.

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[Narrator] I’m not sure what you're planning, but I think I could get in a lot of trouble

Speaker:

for this.

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[Miss Minj] Ah! Ain't it fucking obvious, mate?

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Cuddles is gonna do me surgery.

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[Cuddles] I found a bottle of hydrogen peroxide and some gauze.

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[Miss Minj] Well that's it then.

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Pull this thing out of me.

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[Narrator] Shouldn't we wait for a doctor?

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[Miss Minj] I might be fucking dead by the time that geezer gets here.

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Come on Cuddles, get it over.

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[Cuddles] Okay, I’m gonna pull it out as fast as I can.

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Count of three.

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One, Two...

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[Miss Minj] Ah!

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Ah!

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Oh Cuddles, that was the count of fucking two.

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Who does it on the count of fucking two?

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[Music begins]

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[Chartreuse Lyrics] Uh, uh, What!

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Yeah!

Speaker:

Eddie Jones giving me a basketball jones... like to get that uniform off and measure them

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bones.

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Silky smooth with a finger roll... send chills down my spine, make me lose control.

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Cerdric Ceballos got me feeling lawless...

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I'm straight rolling on the floor like a stripper for them Dollas.

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360 dunk make me feel that funk... see you in the parking lot show you the junk in my

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trunk.

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What! Um!

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[Crowd Cheers]

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[Mabel] Goldtooth Mama, you get 30 seconds.

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[Music Begins]

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[Goldtooth Mama Lyrics] One, zero, zero, one, zero, zero, one.

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One, zero, zero, one, zero, zero, one...

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[Crowd Boos]

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[Chartreuse] Come on Goldtooth.

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If you didn't have a third song, you should have said so.

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I mean, them lyrics is dope, but ain't nobody wanna hear the same song twice.

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[Mabel] I have to agree.

Speaker:

I think this round goes to Chartreuse.

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[Crowd Cheers]

Speaker:

Looks like we've come to the moment we've all been waiting for.

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Miss Minj get your ass up here.

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[Lady Ping Pong] Minjie no here.

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Cuddles shank her with motherfucking toothbrush.

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[Chartreuse] For reals?

Speaker:

Minjie's stuck up in medical?

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[Lady Ping Pong] Oh Cuddles shank her good.

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Skewer her like cobra in rice paddy.

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[Chartreuse] Well shit, I guess that means I win by forfeit.

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I mean it don't seem right, but what else we gonna do?

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Hey Cherokee, spin some music while they put this here crown on me.

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[Mabel] And the winner of this year's, epic... rap... battle...

Speaker:

[Miss Minj] Oye!

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Oye mate!

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The rap battle ain't over yet, yeah.

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I’m here to take you down a tier.

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[Chartreuse] Damn Minj, you came to the rap battle on crutch sticks

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[Miss Minj] Yeah, that's right.

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I’m not gonna let you cheat your way to victory.

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[Chartreuse] I’m ready to get down and dirty with your ass.

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[Miss Minj] Fine by me.

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[Mabel] Chartreuse won the last round.

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So she's got the first 30 seconds.

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[Chartreuse] Hey Cherokee, hook a sister up.

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[Music Begins

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[Chartreuse Lyrics] Big Mama Truce, there ain't no other.

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Making pruno on the block since your mom's gam-mother.

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Getting tuna all day.

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Up in the cell block, if you ain't with that then go suck a fat cock.

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This skinny ass bitch thinks her rhymes is top dollar but Truce brush you off like dirt on a collar.

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Hip-hop-ola since before I’ve been locked up with rhymes so blessed straight get you fucked up.

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Better ask somebody how I flip the script.

Speaker:

Come down to the block and that ass will get flipped.

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Get that bass oh negro.

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Then I treat you like a pego.

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Ask me if I paid the bill, bitch please hell no.

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Chartreuse's a big girl, so you know I came to eat.

Speaker:

Now show some damn respect, and get your ass out my seat.

Speaker:

[Crowd Cheers]

Speaker:

Give me that crown, bitch!

Speaker:

[Miss Minj] Oye Chartreuse!

Speaker:

1982 called. They want their lyrics back.

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[Chartreuse] Girl shit, I just break shit off and serve it like a dish.

Speaker:

[Crowd] Oooh.

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[Miss Minj] Well, I guess the crowd will decide.

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Here's me new single.

Speaker:

Cherokee drop the beat.

Speaker:

[Music Begins]

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[Miss Minj Lyrics] Yeah that's right it's Minj.

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MC Minjie Minj.

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Yeah.

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Let's jam it.

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The action, be jam packed like a closet.

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Beats to make you get up and flow like a faucet.

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Not meant to make you sit.

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Not meant to make you jump.

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But meant to make you get up and shake your rump.

Speaker:

Me like the way you comb your hair.

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Me like the stylish clothes you wear.

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It's just the little things you do, that makes me wanna get with you.

Speaker:

Minj.

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Minjie, Minj, Minj, Minj.

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Minj.

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[Chartreuse] Oh hell no bitch!

Speaker:

You stole them lyrics.

Speaker:

That's shit's on the radio motherfucker.

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[Miss Minj] What you talking about Chartreuse?

Speaker:

[Chartreuse] Yeah I heard them goddamn...

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That's Rumpshaker bitch.

Speaker:

You can't be using that.

Speaker:

Hell no.

Speaker:

You out the competition girl.

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Fuck that.

Speaker:

[Miss Minj] What you saying somebody stole me song and got a record deal with it?

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[Chartreuse] Shit girl, what I’m saying is that's against the motherfucking rules.

Speaker:

[Crowd Cheers]

Speaker:

[Mabel] The people have spoken.

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This year's winner of the rap battle is Chartreuse.

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[Crowd Cheers]

Speaker:

[Miss Minj] Are you fucking serious?

Speaker:

I’m up here rapping on crutches and you're giving her the crown?

[Music:

Pomp and Circumstance]

[Music:

[Chartreuse] Oh lordy, I’ve been waiting all year for this moment.

[Music:

You know I’d like to thank all the folks that made this happen.

[Music:

And of course, I gotta thank my girl Cherokee up there spinning them ones and twos.

[Music:

You know she got them skills on those Technics.

[Music:

And uh let's see here.

[Music:

Um, I gotta thank all the girls on my basketball team.

[Music:

You know they been showing me support for all these years.

[Music:

I have to thank Lady Ping Pong.

[Music:

You know Lady Ping Pong been hooking it up...

[Music:

[Gun Tower] Night yard is terminated.

[Music:

Return to your housing units.

[Music:

[Chartreuse] ...Oh, oh damn, that's like the orchestra music sending me off.

[Music:

All right. Well, I guess we'll see y'all next year, then.

[Music:

[Chartreuse] Hey Miss Minj, where you going?

[Music:

[Miss Minj] Where you think?

[Music:

Back to our shithole of a flat in A-block.

[Music:

[Chartreuse] Nah girl, you coming with me to the E-building.

[Music:

Chartreuse did your paperwork last night.

[Music:

Got you a luxury suite.

[Music:

[Miss Minj] You fucking serious?

[Music:

[Chartreuse] Hey, I don't clown when it comes to my houses.

[Music:

[Miss Minj] Well fucking hell Chartreuse.

[Music:

I don't know what to say.

[Music:

That's uh that's proper decent of you.

[Music:

[Chartreuse] You can say, 'Chartreuse I’m bringing you my rent money tomorrow,' and

[Music:

by the way I’m only charging you two soups a month so you better not fuck with me girl.

[Music:

[Miss Minj] All right, all right, fair enough, fair enough.

[Music:

So I don't suppose I could keep me Sony Walkman Cassette Tape Player then, eh?

[Music:

[Chartreuse] Bitch don't talk crazy.

[Music:

I’m turning that shit into a tattoo gun.

[Music:

[Miss Minj] Yeah right, figured as much.

[Music:

[Miss Minj] Well that rap battle's got me starved.

[Music:

[Cuddles] You know Berry sent me a poutine recipe.

[Music:

[Chartreuse] Oh child, I love me some poutine.

[Music:

Does Berry make it with curry?

[Music:

You know you gotta throw little curry spice in that motherfuckin' gravy.

[Music:

[Miss Minj] oh for fuck sake.

[Music:

[End Music]

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