Lianne Castelino of Where Parents Talk speaks to Karl Subban, father, grandfather, retired teacher, and author of "How We Did It: The Subban Plan for Success in Hockey, School and Life" about parenting during COVID-19 pandemic, anti-black racism and helping children to achieve their potential.

Takeaways:

• In today's podcast episode, we discussed how hormonal changes and device usage can significantly impact children's physical and emotional health during the pandemic.
• Carl shared invaluable insights on the importance of discipline and communication in parenting, emphasizing that strong parent-child relationships are key to fostering independence.
• We explored how bullying and social media have exacerbated mental health issues among youth, highlighting the need for parents to monitor their children's online activities.
• Consent and relationships were central themes in our discussion, as we emphasized the importance of teaching children about healthy interactions from a young age.
• Subban's experience as a father of three NHL players provided a unique perspective on resilience, showing how overcoming adversity can foster confidence in young individuals.
• Finally, we concluded by stressing that parents must take care of their own emotional health to effectively support their children during these challenging times.

Welcome to Where Parents Talk tv. My name is Lianne Castelino. Our guest today is a father of five, a grandfather of four.

He is also an author and an educator who's been a teacher, a principal and an administrator over a 30 odd year career. He's probably best known as the father of three NHL players. We're delighted to welcome Karl. Karl Subban.

Thank you, Lianne. Thanks for having me again.

Yes, it's always a pleasure to talk to you, Carl, because I think there are so many important messages that you've imparted in your book. Certainly. But I wanted to ask you, first of all, how are you and your family doing coping during this global pandemic now into its sixth month?

You know, we're doing the best we can. So far.

Everyone is safe and I hope that everyone continues to be safe following all the safety protocols, you know, masking, hand washing, you know, social distancing, physical distancing. So I just hope we keep it up and we all continue to be safe.

In terms of the pandemic, I'm interested, what would you say your main observation has been as you watch parents and family life and moms and dads trying to cope in this time.

You know, there are a couple things that come to mind. First of all, fear. You know, I just want to make sure that people who are very close to me, I just want to make sure they're safe.

And so there's fear. There's also a lot of confusion because it seems to me that information around COVID 19 continues to change daily.

And so sometimes people like myself are a little bit confused. So, you know, and I see the same thing with other adults in my who are around me. You know, the fear, the anxiety, a little bit of confusion.

And, you know, we all want it to end. I think that everyone is hopeful that it's going to end, but we'd rather that it ended sooner than later.

Tell me what you've observed, if anything, about just the families that you see on a daily basis, the parents that you meet, sort of the angst that really is paralyzing a lot of families these days in terms of what tips or advice could you possibly offer them at this particular time?

You know, it's, I know most of the parents that I've been in touch with, you know, they, they want things to be as normal as possible for their children. You know, they want them in school, they want them around their friends, they want them to be working, chasing their dreams.

And unfortunately, all those three things are not always available and so, you know, so what has ended up happening is students are spending so much more time at home, not just sleeping and eating and watching TV or playing video game. Our schools have been transformed into places of work for parents and into places of learning for young people.

And you know, that's bringing a lot of confusion and stress and anxiety. So my thing is to parents, I want you first to take care of yourselves.

You know, you need to take care of yourselves first by doing as much as you can physically because, you know, physical exercise is so important not only to your body but to our minds. So you take care of yourselves and also at home. Parents, you know, make time for yourself where you're not parenting.

I know it's tough, you know, where you say, listen, dad, listen, I'm closing the door for half hour. Okay? You know, only knock on the door or bother me if there's an emergency for our children.

You know, children want to be with their parents, especially now in light of what they're dealing with. They're not at school, they're not at friends, they're not going to the malls with their friends.

So you are their friend, you are the school to them, you are their teacher. And I know there's a lot on your plate, but you know, give your kids as much love as you can. Give them as much attention as you can.

Because you know, the one thing that young people need other than love and keeping them safe is your time. Is your time. They value it, they're all looking for it.

So please, give them your time and continue to be as positive with them as possible and continue to make sure that they're not overly stressed. You got to look for signs, you know, are they, you know, maybe they're not sleeping, so that's a red flag. Maybe they're not eating.

That's the way they would or should. That's a red flag. Maybe they've lost. They don't seem to have a lot of energy. That's a red flag. So look, you know, look for those red flags.

Consult with, because, you know, now that school is up, you have access to teachers, you can give them a call, you have your physician and so on. Please, parents, it takes a village to raise them.

Reach out to those around you so that your children can continue so that they can stay healthy and positive. And I think that will be, that will help them to go through this pandemic.

We're coming up to the three year anniversary of the publication of how we did it, this two band plan for success in Hockey School and Life. A book that I'm sure you hear about every single day in some way from somebody who's read it.

What's been the most rewarding feedback that you've received on the book and its impact?

You know, I don't always get concrete feedback.

However, what I do get from parents is, and a lot of people, I read your book, I read your book and you know, different people will take different things from it. You know, just, I wish I would have read more before I became a parent.

I know I get a lot of pats on the back and Maria too for being parents, but I never hesitated to share with people that my children made me anyway look a lot better at parenting than I really am. And really the book is just another tool for parents to use to help young people to, you know, to fulfill their potential.

Also, it's, it's really happy for me to hear a young person Saying to me, Mr. Suban, I read your book. And you know, it's, we know that.

We know how important reading is to learning and to growing and, and if my book motivated a young person to read, I'm happy about it.

And you know, parents and young people, once they've read the book, I want them to leave believing even more in their potential and realizing that, you know, with having a dream and believing in their abilities, doing those things they need to do, you know, those things can lead to positive outcomes, you know, and I never fail to remind them too that we might not always fulfill all of our dreams, but you know what, but you're going to learn something along that path in that journey that will help you to do better, to, to be better and to dream some more and to work to fulfill it.

So it's interesting, Carl, here's the copy of the book, my copy, and it's a bit dog eared as you might see up here.

And that's because I have lent it out to quite a few people who were intrigued when I said to them that I personally think it needs to be required reading for not just parents, but for anybody considering becoming a parent. Because what it really underscores and illustrates is that parenting is hard work and you need to have a plan.

Now I want to get into, drill into a bit more for people who may not have read the book, a few of the things that you allude to. So tell us about your GPS system.

That you know, the GPS system, Growing Potential system. That's what it, that's what it stands for.

I really believe that every child who came into this world came into it with potential, but they also came into it with a gps. And that GPS must be loaded for them to move in the right direction.

And that's why it's important that young people have big dreams and, and big goals.

And parents and educators and coaches, please continue to help them to believe in that potential, which represents to me their abilities, their skills, and their talents. And then, you know, what we give them.

Like I've done, I've given young people and parents and coaches the four T's to help them to fulfill that dream of theirs. You know, the first T time, the second T tasks, the third T training, and the fourth T is team.

You know, we want every young person to make time to do their tasks.

You know, you go to school in time, you make time to do your school tasks, which, which are your reading assignments, writing assignments, projects, and so on and so forth.

And we know when your teacher is introducing to you an assignment, for example, writing an essay, you know, usually the first one you do will not be as good as the tenth one you do. So that's what I call training.

And then, you know, it's very difficult for young people or for anyone to fulfill their potential to live their dream by not being a good workmate or a teammate or a classmate. So the GPS is based on having a dream.

It's based on believing in your potential, and it also based on making your dream actionable through the four T's.

Let me ask you, three years into the book being out and, you know, people reading it, do you find that the message, the core theme of potential, is even more resonant today in the world we live in, with all the sort of the mental wellness issues that we hear about on a daily basis? You know, resilience being a theme, overcoming adversity.

And adversity is coming in so many different ways and forms and in ways that we can't predict. Right. And can't control. Is it more resonant today what your message was in this book than maybe it was even when you published it?

Yeah. You know, one of the things that we know today, young people today are more stressed than ever before.

We have more young people today don't believe in their abilities. You know, and we look at the rate of mental illness in terms of how it's paralyzing young people at a very, very high rate.

So, you know, one of the things I say to teachers and coaches and young people, I tell them that I no longer tell people to believe in themselves. I tell them to believe in their potential. Because, you know, everyone has it. You know, it's tangible.

You know, if you put forth the effort, you can do better, you can be better, and you can become more. So that's one of my main messages to young people today.

The other thing is why it is so important today, my messaging around potential, especially in light of what's happening around the world with people marching and standing up for justice, you know, and so one of the things that I say to teachers, especially educators, and I say this to students when I'm speaking to them. I tell students this and I tell teachers this. I see every young person through that lens. I call their potential because that's what will define you.

And so that's so important to me. I don't mind telling people to. It's my potential that will define me, not the color of my skin. And so that's an important message.

That's an important message I believe that the world needs to hear. Yes, the color of my skin is important because we know that's why people are marching today. And not only the color of her skin.

It could be because of her sexual orientation, where their biases. And we have male, female. It goes on and on. So I try to focus on people's potential, and that might, you know, take the. Because young people.

You know, I always remember when I came to Canada and, you know, obviously it was a change for me. It was a big change. You know, living on Peter street in Sudbury, Ontario, I didn't see any kid who looked like me.

So obviously I'm focusing on my race.

But, you know, what made my transition easier than I ever thought that it would be was when my potential went to work, I was able to hold a hockey stick. I was able to stop the puck in the net. That was my potential of work.

So that thing about race, which was a barrier, I know, for me, in my mind, seemed to sort of. It got pushed aside when I went into the net to play hockey, like Ken Dryden.

So today I would like to see the world, our schools, our families, everyone. Let's focus more on seeing people through that lens. I call their potential.

Sources tell me that you also could hit a mean three pointer back.

I want to ask you on that note, it's obviously an incredibly important subject, especially today, but what advice could you offer to parents as it relates to how they can empower their children to confront and then address discrimination or racism when they see it or are the victims of it?

Yeah, I think, first of all, I feel really good about what's happening now. Because they say it takes a village to raise her children. Well, it's going to take a village to get rid of injustices and racism.

One person can't do it by him or herself. It's going to take a village.

You know, one of the things that I just look at my situation with my children and you know, we're visible minorities, you know, and one of the things that we focused on was helping our children to find their passion in life. And that's a powerful thing. That is such a powerful thing. Whatever it is, whatever it is.

Because they, I'm quite sure, I know my boys especially, I mean, the hockey journey wasn't an easy one.

And it's, you know, it wouldn't be right for me to say that everything that happened to them was because of the color of their skin, but it wouldn't be good for me to say that some things did not happen because of the color of their skin.

But what helped them to work through it, you know, to work through it, like the, like the caterpillar who went into the cocoon and came out and come out as a butterfly and was able to fly, came out even stronger, was pursuing their passion and.

Which helped to define their identity and build their self confidence and gave them the power, gave them the power to take off like a rocket above whatever they were facing.

And also, you know, what with us too, as parents, you know, providing them the love, the time, the attention and the emotional support they need, that is so important.

You know, we know that young people all go through different things in life, you know, you know, from whatever age, from 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, they're going through all these changes and you know, they need the adults, the caring adults around them to help them through it.

And then you add these other layers of race and injustices and now COVID 19, they have a lot on their plate, you know, so the role of parents, the role of educators and the role of teachers are more important than ever before to make sure to ensure the safety and the health and well being of all of our children. And you know what?

When those things are not top notch, when they're not right, it's gonna be difficult for children to have those outcomes in life and in school that we see for them and want for them.

How does a parent go about taking concrete steps to help their child reach their potential? What steps can they take to make that happen?

You know, I can say a lot of things, but I just look back at my children, first of all, spending time with them you know, it's hard to influence them. Parents. It's very difficult to influence them. If you're not spending time with them, that's really, really important.

And then by doing different activities with them, they will find something that they're interested in that might light that fire in them. Okay.

And, yes, I loved hockey, you know, but Natasha, my daughter, who is an educator and she's also a visual artist, you know, didn't love hockey or basketball as much as I did. But, you know, Maria and I paved the way for her to do what she wanted to do. I have another daughter.

Our eldest daughter played basketball, and she loved to read. So we gave her her books and we gave her the ball, and we brought it to the basketball court, and we got her going.

And the boys with hockey, but, you know, and the boys, you know, they loved it.

Carl, could you give us a sense into how you would describe your parenting approach in the book How We Did It? You talk about being a lifeguard parent. Can you explain what that means?

You know, geez.

You know, one of the things that I see, I've observed with parents over the years, you know, from my position of being a teacher and being a principal of a school, and also from being a coach.

I coach soccer and basketball and coached in the gthl, the largest minor hockey system in the world, is that sometimes parents don't know when to get out of the way. And it's hard. We love our children, and, you know, we start out by doing everything for them, by being there for them.

And then as they get older, we must try to do a little bit less and sort of get out of the way a little bit more. And so, you know, there's a quote I use. It's not mine.

You know, as a parent, as a leader, as a coach, I clear the way, paved the way, and get out of the way.

And so, you know, after a while, you know, I realized that with my boys on their hockey journey, if I did not learn to get out of their way, get out of their way, I don't believe they would have made it because it would, like. It's like I would have been in their way, blocking them. It's like a snow plow in front of me. I can't pass it. You know what I mean? But in terms of.

I talked about the three styles of parenting. We have the, you know, those parents, I believe, who are like, autopilot. I call them autopilot kids who are raising autopilot kids.

Like, it's like they're raising Themselves, you know, that. That they're on autopilot. They're. They're flying themselves. There's no pilot there.

No parental figure is there to guide them, to make sure that the wings are not getting too heavy, that ice is not building up on their wings, which will let them crash to the ground. And then we have helicopter parents, but I call them designer parents.

They're parents who feel that they can design every step to the NHL or every step of the way to medical school. And that's fine. Your children need you. But I love the lifeguard parenting style.

And, you know, and you can't be a lifeguard parent, especially when your child is a toddler or an infant, you know, especially when my boys started out in hockey, you know, had to be there for them and then eventually had to learn to get out of the way. And you watch them from a distance like a lifeguard.

And if they're in trouble, you sort of, you know, jump in and you help them because you don't want them to drown.

And so it's something that you learn to do over time, you know, because parents, one of the question I love to ask parents is this, Leanne, what are you doing to be a better parent? That is important because our children, I mean, they. They're constantly changing. They're going through all these. All these changes in their lives.

And so if we're not learning and growing with them, you know, I think there's going to be a lot of stress and anxiety and conflicts, and those are there anyway. But I think they're increased when you're not getting better, as your children are progressing through those different age groups.

Carl, in what specific ways would you say that the way your parents raised you and your siblings impacted the way you then raised your own children?

First of all, that's a very good question, Leanne. I'm here because of my parents. You know, they're my role model. They gave us a lot of love. You know, my mom and dad, they gave us a lot of love.

And so that's one thing that I've given my children, that's the most important thing, time with our kids. You know, my mom had me in the kitchen teaching me how to cook.

You know, my dad used to take me to the cricket grounds, and I'm there playing with his cricket bat. You know, I wasn't a hockey player, but I took my kids to the hockey rink. I took my daughters to the.

To the basketball court, because my parents did that, you know, and my parents knew when to get out of the way. That is so important. They never told me, carl, you had to be a teacher.

You know, they never said one day that you had to go to university or you had to get A's. But I knew I had to go. And it was important to them and to me to get to do the best I was able to do in school. So my parents are my role model.

You know, they taught me how to be a parent. And then, too, some of the things you observed from your parents, you say to yourself, you're looking back, well, I'm not going to do those things.

But the one thing I've learned is, and you said it earlier, parenting is a labor of love. And it doesn't matter how good you think you are, you're never good enough for somebody that thinks you're going to face.

And so when you're in that situation, parents just give them love. Because when you don't know what to do and when you don't know what to say, just give them love. Because that's what my parents did. They gave us time.

They gave us a lot of love. And you know what? They got out of our way.

And that path we were on that was leading us to success, to greater achievement, they stayed out of her way.

Knowing what you know now, in all of your life experiences and all the different hats that you wear and the perspectives that you have, knowing what you know now, would you change anything about the way you parented?

Yes, that's an. I get that question a lot, you know, from audiences. And the one thing that would do more. A couple things.

The first thing is not so much with my daughters, with the boys, especially with reading, you know, I wish I would have encouraged them more to read. Not that I didn't. I would have spent more time saying, you know what, if you're skating for six hours a day, you should be reading at least for six.

You know what I mean? So. And encouraging the love of books, the girls. I didn't have to do it as much, but I know that our children are all different.

So whenever I'm buying gifts from my children, I do this for my boys especially. I will buy them a book, and it's usually a book that I've read, and I'll write a little note.

The other thing that I would do is that I would add to my parenting toolbox is following through more on completing tasks around the house, you know, in terms of, you know, their rooms and so on cleaning up and following through on those tasks. I would have given them More tasks and. And duties and responsibilities at home.

I know they were busy, very busy, because of school and their hockey and so on, but those are a couple of things that I would have changed. And the other thing, being a hockey parent because I'm known as a Hockey dad, mostly PK's dad, that's what most people refer to me as.

I wouldn't worry as much as I did because sometimes we worry about the unknown, and we worry because we love them. And I realized that there were things that I was worrying about. First of all, I had no control over those things.

And I realized now that if I had to go through it again, I wouldn't worry about those things that I saw happening or hear people saying because it meant nothing.

You know, what it came down to in the hockey was based on the four T's, how much time that my boys especially spent doing their hockey task and training and being a good teammate. And also the other thing that I don't want to forget this point, Leanne, is working through adversity.

Because, you know, that's one thing that as a parent and most parents, you know, what we do, we see our children going through a tough time, and we want to take their place. That's what we do. We love them, and we know research now tells us that it's important that they go through.

I call these cocoon moments, the adversity, the challenges that they're facing.

You know, we know it's not going to kill them, and we have to use our common sense here, but they must go through these cocoon moments to become butterflies because it makes them stronger. And so that is one thing that I would. And you know what? My boys had a hockey coach who was very good at creating adversity.

And it's years later I realized what he was doing and why he was doing it, you know, because I'll finish your question with this point that I really believe that my boys are making it in hockey to a very high level because of their ability to work through these tough moments and difficult times. They didn't become whatever they were facing. They didn't become it.

They were able to rise above it with, you know, with parental support, with other people.

It does take a village to raise them, but also them learning some lessons around going through adversity, that it's not going to last forever, and it's just something that they have to work through. And after going through it a couple times, they realize that there are better days ahead and better time times ahead, too.

Carl, in closing Are there any final thoughts that you'd like to share just in terms of. Actually a couple of the points that you just made? We really do live more than ever for many parents in a very worried generation of parenting.

And, you know, it's almost a self discipline to try to deal with that. So in closing, any sort of tips that you can share with parents about how to manage that in themselves and also in how they parent?

You know, I think that it's really important that because we living, we're living, learning and working first of all in Covid world, but also in the information age. And there's so much information out there that are that and a lot of it can affect our children positively or negatively.

So you really need to continue to monitor them and not to be part of that level of stress that they're dealing with. So, you know, I think you have to think about that.

The other thing that I would recommend, help your child or your children find their passion that is so important. Parents, please help them to find it. And they might not find it overnight, sometimes they'll find it over time.

So I think that became that thing that my children love to do, became that extra parent that they needed. So, you know, monitor their health. I don't know how you can check all the information that they're digesting.

Some of it might not be right, some of it might lead them down the wrong path. So please, if you can help and guide them in terms of dealing with all this information they're being bombarded with, that's going to be important.

But I'm going to go back to what I said. Spend time with them, give them your emotional support and give them lots of love. You know, also give them boundaries too.

Especially now with COVID it's more important that they understand that, you know, there's certain things you can do, there's certain things you can't do. You know, I'm presently working in a school.

The kid, the children are so happy to be back and they're following the rules, they're following the routines, and I didn't take much to guide them. So give them your time, emotional love and support.

Set the boundaries and, you know, work with those around you to provide them with the resources for them to find their passion, for them to live their dream.

Karl Subban, thank you so much for your time and your perspective today.

Thank you, Lianne. Thanks for having me.

And I love to speak to parents and to everyone about parenting and let's not stop this discussion around it because it will ensure that we continue to learn.

Thank you so much.

Thank you.