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Three Keys For How to Make Your Wife Happy
Episode 7010th January 2021 • Thrive Beyond Pornography (Formerly The Self Mastery Podcast) • Zach Spafford
00:00:00 00:25:30

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Your happiness is within reach

I used to think that darcy could make me happy.  

I thought that if I could just make her happy enough then she would, in turn, make me happy. 

Seemed simple enough. 

I used to do pretty much whatever she wanted.  

I would let her get things that I thought we didn’t need.  

I would do whatever it took to make her life as comfortable as possible. 

In the first few years of our marriage we moved so many times, just because Darcy found a new apartment that she liked better than the one we lived in at the moment.  

The first time we lived in Milwaukee we only lived here for about 6 years and we lived in 3 different places before we bought a house.  6 years, 4 houses.  Did we really need to move. No.  did we do it because darcy wanted to. Yes. 

I learned to build things, fix things, make more money and climb the corporate ladder all so I could give Darcy more.  

When it came to my personal time.  Time to go play basketball, watch sports or do outdoors activities, Darcy had a firm veto on all of it.  

If she didn’t like what it was I wanted to do, she would put a stop to it. 

Then there was sex.  

I would do anything for sex.  

I would give up whatever I wanted for sex.  Some strange bargains were made in the name of sex. 

I did this in an effort to make her happy and to make me happy. 

I have a confession.  I was doing it wrong. 

I was looking for happiness in the wrong place. 

I was looking for someone else to make me happy. 

I was looking for something outside me to make happiness available. 

All while this was going on for me, something else was going on for Darcy.  

Something similar, but slightly different. Tell your experience of trying to get happiness from me. 

Darcy –   I truly believed it was Zach’s job to make me happy, I 100% believed he had the power to do that and that he should. When I wasn’t happy it was his fault, or the kids fault or the houses fault.

Pretty much everything outside of me what to blame for my unhappiness. Don’t get me wrong I was not miserable all the time but when I was not happy it was not my fault.

I would use sex as a bargaining tool for me to get what I wanted on occasions. I also used sex as a way to feel validated by Zach. I also thought I could make Zach happy by having sex. 

Sounds terrible. 

So, what happened and how can you take control of your happiness?

Around the time I was really making headway in quitting pornography I became more aware at how much of my choices were dependent on Darcy’s desires. 

I worked really hard to do what she wanted because I thought that it would build our relationship.  

In part, it did and in part it created a lot of resentment.  

Sure, in the moment, it usually made her feel good and I could say that I would feel good too.  But in the long run, I would look back at some of the choices and I would feel like I had been manipulated.  

Now, I want to be clear, I know now that I was choosing what I was choosing.  I don’t blame Darcy for any of the way I acted.  

What I was missing was the idea that I have to take both responsibility and action where my happiness is concerned. 

1.     Marriage isn’t a fairy tale

2.     We weren’t bringing everything we could because we were acting like the other person would make up half the work. 

3.     You can’t be happy by waiting on someone else to make you happy. 

So, how can we be happy?

-this is something we talk about in the self mastery membership when our clients come to us. Come check it out. 

1.     Know what it is you want from your life – has to be your own, must be important to you, you must be willing to make it happen, even when your partner isn’t 100% on board yet

a.     Cats and dogs


c.     – top five priorities. 

                                               i.     This makes it easier to say yes and to say no

2.     Believe in you 


b.     Begin by knowing what makes you happy

                                             ii.     Take back your power

c.     Other people don’t have to behave in certain ways for you to be happy


d.     Choose to trust yourself and your spouse

e.     Figure out a new story – one that is true but that also serves you better than the one you have been telling that keeps you from being happy. 


3.     Take risks 


b.     Be willing to hold space for them if they don’t like what is going on

c.     Forgive yourself, forgive your spouse