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Understanding The Family Dynamic - The Demartini Show
Episode 23119th April 2024 • The Demartini Show • Dr John Demartini
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Dr. John Demartini offers a new perspective on resolving conflict through understanding family dynamics and cultivating fulfilling family relationships.

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Transcripts

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Every symptom in the family dynamic is

trying to teach you to have sustainable

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fair exchange, by learning

how, and asking the question,

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how specifically is what they're

dedicated to in the family,

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helping you fulfill what you're

dedicated to and vice versa.

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One thing we all have in common, ,

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we came from a mother and

had some original father

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or possibly an IVF, and

we have a family dynamic.

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And I'd like to understand or share some

understanding about the family dynamic,

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some things you may or

may not have contemplated,

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because you'll see that that's where some

of the funniest things happen and also

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some of the most challenging

things happen in life.

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So let's go down the rabbit hole a bit

on the family dynamic and take a look at

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some things you'll find.

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You might want to take some notes because

it might be really helpful immediately

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on your dynamic. First of all,

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I'm going to make a statement,

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that when I was 14 years

old and I was a street kid,

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I learned that nothing was missing.

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So you might want to write

that nothing is missing.

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And so people go around in their

life and sometimes say, well,

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my mom wasn't here to do that. My dad

didn't do this, and he was this way and,

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you know, had a crazy sister or a crazy

father or brother, or whatever it is.

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And what I found out that in my

own life is that nothing's missing.

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Everything that you're looking for

in your life, believe it or not,

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is in your life,

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but it may not be in the form that

you fantasize or become addicted to

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or expect. You know,

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when I lived on the streets and I

left and I wasn't with my parents,

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I noticed various people

becoming parent-like,

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I also noticed that the girlfriends that

I had back when I was living at home,

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I had new people playing

out the girlfriend's role,

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new people playing out the sister's role.

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So I learned as a teenager living on

the streets that I really didn't miss

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anything. It morphed into

forms that I didn't recognize,

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initially. But once I recognized it, I,

I kind of chuckled, because I realized,

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oh my God, that's like, that person's

representing part of my father.

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And it was in parts,

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it wasn't like one person representing

everything about my father.

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There were three or four people playing

parts of my father that was there.

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And the same thing for my mom. The same

thing girlfriend. Same thing for sister.

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And I found that that was extremely

valuable and resourceful to have the

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realization that nothing's

missing, it's a new form.

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Because if I expect somebody to

be a certain way and they're not,

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I think I'm missing something.

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And then I'm feeling in this grieving

loss thing or this thing of lack or

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feeling like I missed out or,

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and I'm usually comparing what's happening

to a fantasy about how I wished it

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would've been.

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And depression is a comparison of your

current reality to a fantasy about how it

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should have been, would've

been, could've been.

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So the first principle I'd like

to share about family dynamics

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is that if you made a list of everything

you're looking for in the family,

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and then ask yourself who's providing it,

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you'll find out you have what is the

genetic family and you'll also have an

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extended family.

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So sometimes if all of a sudden you're

not really close with your father,

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then you may have a male teacher

at school that becomes Father-like,

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or a coach or some best friend's

father that takes on that role.

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I watched that when my mom

went to work when I was nine,

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I had a third grade teacher that I used

to stay over and talk to until five

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o'clock. Then I'd go home

and my mom would be home.

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So she played part of a

mom's role during the day.

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And then my mom was there at night.

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And then when my mom stopped

working and stopped the job,

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I noticed I wasn't as close to

that teacher in the next grade,

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which I thought was interesting.

I didn't do that dynamic. And,

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but the second she was gone again,

in the fourth grade, it showed back,

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or the fifth grade it showed back,

no, sixth grade it showed back up.

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And I thought, that's interesting,

it's not missing, it's changing forms.

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So if you make a list of everything you're

looking for in a relationship in your

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family and ask who's providing it,

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I had a lovely woman who said,

well, my mom was never there for me,

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she abandoned me when I

was young. And I said,

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so you felt you were not wanted

and you thought you were abandoned?

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And she said, yeah. And I said,

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so what specific trait did you

perceive you missed out on?

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And in the process of doing that, she

said, I missed this, this and this.

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I said, well then who provided that?

And she said, well, my aunt provided it.

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And then I found out that my, pardon me,

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I had somebody at my

door my aunt provided it.

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And all of a sudden my best friend's

mom provided it and teacher provided it.

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And I said, what was the

benefit of them providing it?

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I got to learn a different

language. I got to have better food.

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If my mom had provided it,

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we would've been in more impoverished

situation and I would've been trapped and

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I'd been living in a small town and I got

to finish my education because of what

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happened.

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And once you see the benefits of the

new people taking on that role and

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the drawbacks of the fantasy that you

made out of the original people you

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thought you missed out on, you

realize you didn't miss anything,

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you changed the form of it.

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So if you make a list of everything

you're looking for in a relationship in

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family, and then you ask who's

providing it, you'd be mind blown.

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Your first response is because

you're so attached to the form it is,

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I didn't have that, I missed

out on that and I'm a victim.

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But being a victim of history instead

of a master of destiny is not going to

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empower you. But it is by asking questions

on what was the form that it took.

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And I've done that on thousands of

people in the Breakthrough Experience and

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liberated people from a story, the

victim story that they had in their life.

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You know, I didn't have this, I didn't

have that. You know, it was interesting,

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Sir Isaac Newton,

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his father died when he was born

and his mother then didn't have

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a way of providing.

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And so she had to look for another

man and she had to give up her son

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temporarily. And he stayed in this

kind of apothecary place with this guy.

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And and what's interesting is

when she finally came back,

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during that time,

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he ended up falling in love with Mother

Nature and he ended up wanting to know

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God's will, the Father, God the

Father's will. So he ended up being,

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pursuing God the Father, and

the laws of Mother Nature.

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And that was initiated during the time

when father was gone and mom was gone.

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So he ended up building the Principia,

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one of the greatest scientific treatise

on gravity as a result of that. So,

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and he realized he had a connection,

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a real strong connection to nature and

to the perception he could talk to God.

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So it was in a dissociated

way, but he still had it.

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And some people will disassociate it.

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Some kids will actually take on a

blanket that'll represent a security to

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represent somebody. I noticed

that when I was around four,

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I had a girl who lived across the

street, and when her mom was at work,

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she made these dollhouse

that she had. She became,

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I mean the dolls became

the mother talking to her.

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And then all of a sudden

when the mom would come home,

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she'd turn around and be

the mother to the dolls.

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And I watched her change that while

I was playing with her sometimes,

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and it was quite interesting to watch

that it was morphing and changing.

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So the first principle of family dynamics

that I'd just like to share is that

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nothing's missing. Look carefully,

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but beware of the attachment to a fantasy

form about how it's supposed to be.

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Because if it's not matching that you're

going to think you're missing something

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and loss, and then you're going to want

to run a story about it. I just ask,

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what is the form that it's in?

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Another aspect of the family is that

there's pairs of opposites. ,

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if you were to take the summation

of all the values and do a Value

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Determination,

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go on my website and do a Value

Determination on every one of your family

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members and take a look

at what those values are,

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you'll find out there's

complementary opposites.

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You'll have a brother or sister that

represents an antiparticle to you,

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an opposite behavior.

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You may be dedicated to being very focused

and driven and take command of your

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goals and things of this, and

they may go with the flow.

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You may be dedicated to building your

wealth and saving your money and living

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frugally and deferring gratification.

They may be in immediate gratification,

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going shopping and filling their

place with stuff that depreciates.

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You may find out that they're very social

and extroverted and they may be the

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introvert and quiet and go and

live on video games or, you know,

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read or something. One may be an

academic one, may be a socialite.

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You'll see that these pairs of opposites

make up the family dynamic because you

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typically marry your disowned parts,

the things that are repressed in you.

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And then you end up

procreating the disowned parts.

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And so the family dynamic has

got pairs of opposites. Now,

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if you think for some reason that

your value system is right and

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you project it onto your family,

you got a lot of clashes,

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because they're going to perceive that

their value system is right and they're

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going to project back. And so there's

lots of clashes. In every family

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there's a balance of peace of war.

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I've asked people in Breakthrough

Experience for decades now,

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how many of you had times of calm

and times of turmoil, times of peace,

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and times of war, times of getting

together and times, you know, fighting?

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And every hand goes up.

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So it's unrealistic to expect peace

all the time. You don't grow there.

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If you get nothing but peace and

support, you stay juveniley dependent.

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If you get nothing but the

challenge and conflict,

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you get precociously independent.

But if you put the two together,

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which is what happens in the

family, you get maximum growth.

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Maximum growth and development occurs

at the border of the pairs of opposites.

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That's why nature has it. Just like

your body has pairs of opposites,

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a sympathetic and parasympathetic

nervous system, one builds and destroys,

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and one is catabolic and anabolic. And

so too in the family you'll have this.

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You'll have anabolism and catabolism,

build and destroy, support and challenge,

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nice and mean, kind and cruel, positive

and negative, whatever it is, extrovert,

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introvert, people that are, you know,

resourceful and non resourceful.

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So if you look at what it is that you

are dedicated to and write down its

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opposite, you'll find it in the family.

The family has nothing missing .

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And that's why

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if you're under the assumption you're

supposed to get a one-sided world and

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living in some sort of moral hypocrisy

that you want always nice and never mean,

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always kind, never cruel,

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you're going to be very

depressed and very angry at life,

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because sorrow is a byproduct

of unmet expectation.

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And if you have an expectation

that's one sided and not both sided,

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you're going to think something's missing

and you're going to think that there's

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something wrong and

you're going to be angry.

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And then you're going to be trying to

fix people and they have a different set

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of values.

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And you can't get people to live in

your values and you can't live in their

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values.

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But you can honor by communicating what

you value in terms of their values and

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respectfully communicate and have a

sustainable fair exchange. In fact,

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every symptom in the family dynamic is

trying to teach you to have sustainable

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fair exchange, by learning

how and asking the question,

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how specifically is what they're

dedicated to in the family,

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helping you fulfill what you're dedicated

to and vice versa. If you do that,

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you'll not have to fix them,

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but you'll learn to communicate in a

way where they're winning and you're

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winning. And that's what life's

about. It's teaching you that process.

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The family is not there for happiness.

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The family is there to teach you how to

be authentic and embrace both sides of

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life and be resourceful and learning

how to see the fullness and that there's

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nothing missing, and abundance.

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How are you going to have a fulfilling

life if you think things are missing,

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and empty, and you're

having false expectations?

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And if you expect yourself to live in

their values or you expect them to live in

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your values, you're

going to have futility.

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And a family dynamic is a

spectrum of value systems.

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It doesn't work otherwise.

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Imagine if every single person had

nothing but family values and just raising

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children. Nobody wanted to go to

work. Nobody wanted to build a city,

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nobody wanted to do architecture.

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Nobody wanted to do drive

cars or fix cars or make cars.

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Nobody wanted to do anything

else. They just wanted to do that.

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It wouldn't work. And if everybody was

just building cars, that wouldn't work.

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And if everybody just did

banking, it wouldn't work.

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The society needs a spectrum of values.

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Everybody has a different hierarchy of

values, therefore a different perception,

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decisions and actions. The

world is set up that way.

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So you get a plethora of complete bouquet

of fullness of all the things that are

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needed to maximally grow.

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And your family is the basic unit of

society that's teaching you how to grow.

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And that's why you're going to have

a complementation of opposites.

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In the Breakthrough Experience I teach

people how to take the things that you

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resent in somebody, because

you keep wanting to fix them,

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you think you're superior

and they need to be fixed,

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and then you find out where do you

do all the things that they do,

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and you find out what's the benefit of

what they've done. And you find out that,

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oh, there's nothing to fix,

there's something to appreciate.

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And anything you can't appreciate

in the family is your own delusion,

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not their actions usually. You

find out that you think, well,

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that's a terrible thing they've done. No.

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They're balancing out the family dynamic.

Whatever one person's repressing,

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the other's expressing.

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Nietzsche wrote about this and many

others said that whatever's a collective

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society's repressing,

somebody else is expressing.

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Well that occurs in the family.

So if I repress ,

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I've got three children to

represent all three variations.

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And one that's very similar to me and

one that's quite plays the opposite role.

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And that's the perfection. And if you

try to get everybody to be the same,

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somebody else is not necessary. It's

the pairs of opposites that make things.

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It was Heraclitus in the fifth century

BC or so that said that there's a unity

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of opposites. And he said that trying

to get a one-sided world will be futile.

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And embracing the two sides of life and

seeing the unity and the simultaneity of

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those two is liberating.

So in the family dynamic,

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if you understand nothing's missing and

you understand the pair of opposites,

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your expectations are more grounded.

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Imagine if you're going out on a date

with somebody and you expect them to be

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nice, never mean, kind, never cruel,

positive, never negative, peaceful,

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never wrathful, generous, never stingy,

giving, never taking, considerate,

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never inconsiderate, and only one sided.

Well, if you have that expectation,

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they're not going to

live up to it. ,

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if you do things that support their

value, they'll play that role.

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If you do things that challenge

their values, which is probable,

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they'll play an opposite role.

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And then you're going to be angry and

you're going to be aggressive and blame

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them and feel betrayed and

you'll criticize them and

challenge them and you'll

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be despaired and depressed and you'll

want to exit and escape and you'll feel

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futility and frustration.

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And you'll be grouchy and grieving and

you'll hate them and want to hurt them.

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And then you'll, you know, be irritable

and irrational and you'll be, you know,

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jaded and the jerk , you'll

get all the A-B-C-D-A-E-F-G-H-I-Js

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of negativity as a result of

the unrealistic expectation.

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So the family's there to teach

you how to embrace a wholeness,

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not a one-sided life,

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to crack the fantasy that the amygdala

is constantly trying to get you to do,

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to survive, and get you in thrival,

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and teach you how to be authentic and

teach you to have fair exchange and teach

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you how an inspired life.

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And it can do that if we have a realistic

expectation on the family dynamics.

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So you tell me what you're looking for,

and I'll show you, I've done this many,

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many times, I had a woman one time sitting

next to me on a plane and she said,

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she's looking for her soulmate. And

I said, what are you looking for?

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And she wrote it down, 22 different

things we wrote. And I said, so, okay,

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now what's the opposite of those?

And we wrote those down. I said,

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who's providing this in your life?

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And we found all the people that were

providing it. And she goes, well,

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I didn't realize that

I've got it in my life,

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it's in a form that I didn't realize.

Then on who's providing this?

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And she had those, she had both of

them in her life, it wasn't missing.

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And then she realized also that the

things that she thought were all positive

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that she was wanting had downsides and

the things that she was trying to avoid

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also made her grow and made her more

independent. And then she realized that,

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wow, I'm not missing it

and I'm not desperate,

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and now I realize I already

have it and it's in my values.

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And then she came from a poised state

without a feeling of desperate lack and

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which turns guys off when they see that.

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And then she was now able to do it and

three weeks later she ended up getting a

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guy that matched some of those behaviors.

But she was more receptive for both.

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So she was not living in a fantasy

of a one-sided world. So in families,

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if you think your values are right and

you project those values onto others,

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and they have an opposite set of

values and they're doing it back, well,

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you're going to have the war and

the peace going on. But if you,

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because you're going to have

similars and differences in it.

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The ancient Greeks said if you see

more similarities than differences,

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you have infatuation, if you see

more differences than similarities,

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you have resentment. When you have

infatuation, you go, oh my God,

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we have the same number of

eyes, same number of ribs,

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same number of arms and legs, we're

soulmates. And if we have differences,

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we don't have anything in common, we're

going in two different directions,

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we don't see eye to eye. If

we see both of them together,

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support and challenge, similarities

and differences, we have love.

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And the family is there

to teach us how to love.

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So the dynamics of the family is

really trying to teach you how to

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embrace both sides, like a magnet,

there's a whole lot of magnets going on,

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all pairs of opposites.

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And if you can embrace both

sides and see how both serve you,

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then you have a tremendous amount

of resilience and adaptability.

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But the second you are judging things

with moral hypocrisies and expecting

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somebody to do something that you don't

even do and live a certain way that

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you're not even living,

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then you're definitely going to have chaos

in the family because you're going to

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get the normal chaos,

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which is feedback to let you know

you have an unrealistic expectation.

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I've helped people in the

Breakthrough Experience, I mean,

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every weekend in the

Breakthrough Experience when

people come they usually pick

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somebody that they've got a resentment

to that's usually family or relationship

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related. And we show

them how to dissolve it,

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and how to put the

expectations back into balance,

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how to understand people's values,

how to see the pairs of opposites,

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how to balance it out

and not have this chaos.

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Because the chaos is is

the missing information.

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In information theory, and the

gentleman who's Claude Shannon,

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who has written about

entropy and thermodynamics,

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he said that entropy, which is disorder,

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tendency to disorder

is missing information.

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And the missing information

is what we're unconscious of.

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And what we're unconscious of is the

things we're blind and ignorant to in our

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perspectives and expectations on life.

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And if we ask the right questions and

become aware of our missing information

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and become aware of it, we are very

graced and very poised and very stable.

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And so if you'd like a stable,

more poised and more present life,

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then come to the Breakthrough Experience

so I can share with you the questions

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to make you aware of that and show you

how to put the puzzle together in your

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family and realize there's

nothing out of order.

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I've had the opportunity to have whole

families come into the Breakthrough and

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do each other, do this process,

the Demartini Method on each other.

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And there's just tears of gratitude and

they realize there's nothing to fix.

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they finally understand it.

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But they were comparing the family

to fantasies, ideals, expectations,

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their own values, not

understanding pairs of opposites,

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not understanding that other

people are playing out the roles.

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I remember this gentleman was having

a whole lot of praise at work and was

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getting nailed and criticized

at home. And I explained to him,

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you get pairs of opposites, if

you get over supported at work,

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you're going to get challenged at home.

If you get over supported at home,

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you're going to get challenged at work.

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There's going to be a pair of

opposites somewhere in your life.

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You've gotta have support

and challenge to grow.

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And then when you put the puzzle together

and looked at the exact moments when

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there was challenge at home and

where the praise was, synchronously,

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he was brought to tears. He goes,

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my wife is actually doing the

necessary thing to keep me growing.

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I'm going out there and getting

praise. I'm getting puffed up,

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I'm getting arrogant, I'm projecting

my values onto her. I'm arrogant.

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I'm not being authentic. She's

criticizing and challenging me,

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bringing me back into

authenticity off the pedestal,

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putting it back where we have a match

and I've been addicted to the high and

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she's actually helping me get

authentic and not superior.

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The superiority complex and pride complex

is not the authentic you and you're

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here to be authentic. And

so she's doing her job.

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And the second I come down in that

balanced state and don't attach to all the

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support, then all of a sudden

she's now appreciating me as I am.

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And if I go down and beat myself

up, because I thought, oh,

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I screwed up for the day, she lifts me up.

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The family dynamic is constantly

trying to get you to authenticity.

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The purpose of the marriage is not the

happiness, this euphoric one-sided world.

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It's there to help you become authentic.

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It's help you to break the delusions

that you're running on your life.

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It's there to ask questions and kind

of make you accountable in your life.

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And that's the beauty of it. Now,

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if you're not married and you never did

have marriage and didn't even have kids,

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then nothing's missing.

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You'll find out that you're now running

a business as if you're like a mom or a

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dad and you've got now employees

that are like the kids,

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or the clients that'll be like the kids.

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So you'll have the responsibilities

that you didn't have maybe genetically,

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but you now have it in another form.

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And I've seen women that have big

businesses and they're running it,

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they didn't ever have children,

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but they have big businesses and

they're running it like a mother,

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a matriarchal system.

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And then I show them what all the things

that they thought they missed out on,

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I didn't have kids. And I go, what

did you not think you you got?

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Well I didn't get to diaper and

clean up people's poop. Good,

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who you cleaning up the bullshit

in people's lives? She goes,

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I'm doing that every day. I

said, so it's not missing.

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It's in a form you haven't honored.

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And many times if you expect the form

that you are actually creating to be in

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somebody else's values or somebody

ideals, you won't appreciate your life.

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And that's what I teach people in the

Breakthrough Experience how to embrace the

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magnificence of the life that they have

so they're not sitting and comparing

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it to fantasies about how it

should be. And as a result of that,

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they're setting realistic expectations

on people and on themselves and on the

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family. And they're seeing the pairs of

opposites and the order that's there,

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and the nothing missingness

and there's more fulfillment.

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And that's a different paradigm

than most people thinking.

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Most people are telling you this

is how the family should be.

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Well those moral idealisms are going to

end up creating conflict because they're

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not going to follow it. ,

you're not going to get that.

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And I've seen so many people go and read

a book about how they're supposed to be

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and then expect that on their family,

their spouse to be a certain way,

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and if they're not that way,

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there's something wrong and

they need therapy or whatever,

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and then they undermine the relationship,

instead of loving the person.

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When you love people for who they

are, they turn into who you love.

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But if you keep trying to fix them, well,

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I don't know of anybody that

wants to be fixed really.

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Unless they're asking for mentorship

from somebody and refining it for a sport

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or some, being a musician or something

and want feedback, that's one thing.

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But I don't know anybody, they

want to be loved for who they are.

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People want to make a difference when

they're authentic and when they're

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authentic, they maximize that. They

want to be loved for who they are.

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And if you actually balance

out your expectations,

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realize that people are both sided.

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I'm not a nice person or a mean

person as I said, I'm a human being,

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an individual with both potentials.

I'm a hero and a villain,

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a saint and a sinner. I went

through the Oxford Dictionary,

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I found out I had every known trait,

4,628 traits, kind, cruel, nice, mean,

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positive, negative, peaceful,

wrathful, honest, dishonest.

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I had them all when I

looked honestly at myself.

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So if you expect somebody to be

anything but that whole picture,

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you're going to end up having

probably a lot of false expectations,

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unrealistic expectations. You're going

to end up being angry and depressed.

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You're going to want to fix people and

project assumptions on them how they're

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supposed to be.

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You're thinking that people are

all supposed to be a certain way.

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I've seen fathers say well everybody

has to do really well in business.

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I've seen mothers say, well

where's your grandchildren?

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And these unrealistic expectations

on the rest of them are going to just

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backfire. Learn to love people for who

they are and they turn into who you love.

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Learn to see that they have

both sides. You do too.

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Watch your finger pointing

because it's pointing back at you,

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and know that there's nothing missing.

It's in a form you may not be honoring.

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Look deeper, broader, look extending

even beyond the genetic family.

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And understand the family is

summating and all the combination,

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you put all the family together in a

blender you get out a perfect balanced

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value structure. And society's trying

to teach you how to be authentic.

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And the best way to do it is to have

support and challenge maximally.

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We maximally grow and be

ourselves when we have both.

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If we get over supported and get

puffed up, we lost our authenticity.

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If we get only criticized and we

put down, we lost our authenticity.

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We get a balance of both and we're

aware of both simultaneously,

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we get ourselves.

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And the magnificence of ourselves is

far greater than any fantasies we put or

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any nightmares we run the story of.

So stop the victim of history story.

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Start putting a realistic expectation on

and appreciate the family dynamic that

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you got.

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Come to the Breakthrough Experience so

I can really make sure that's solid in

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your life and it will save you an enormous

amount of aggravation in your life

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and you'll be appreciative about your

life and get on with doing something more

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amazing instead of trying to

fix something that's futile.

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Let's go and learn about the family

dynamic by having expectations that

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are grounded.

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There's a lot of moral ideals out there

about how everything's supposed to be,

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but that's as Alasdair Macintyre

wrote in his History of Ethics,

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that's not how it is,

that's how we wish it was.

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And realizing there's an

is and there's an ought to.

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And many people are addicted to ought

to's and how they should be instead of how

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they are. And when you love people how

they are, instead of how they should be,

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you get farther in life than if you do

if you try to keep fixing people and

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spending all your time with futile energy.

Come to the Breakthrough Experience.

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Let me show you how to broaden

the perspective. See both sides,

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appreciate the laws that govern the

family dynamics and then get on with doing

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something you love with

the people you love.

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