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00:01:42 Pleasing others becomes a transaction or a deal

00:02:44 Mindfulness Meditation for People-Pleasers

00:06:09 1. Sit somewhere comfortably, slow your breathing, and relax.

00:06:16 2. If worries, concerns, and anxious thoughts pop up, say hello to them but set them aside.

00:06:26 3. Focus calmly on your breathing

00:06:37 4. When distracting thoughts pop up again, set them aside again and come back to your breath.

00:09:02 Loving-Kindness Meditation for People-Pleasers

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• Kindness and compassion are wonderful if they are genuine. People-pleasers need to learn to develop the skill of genuine kindness rather than acting out of fear, obligation, or a sense of transaction. Mindfulness and loving-kindness practice are two ways to help rescue genuine compassion from the need to please.

• Mindfulness meditation is about presence and being aware of the present moment without judgment or grasping. Go calm and quiet within, setting aside thoughts as they arrive and accepting what is without trying too hard to achieve any particular end.

• Loving-kindness meditation practices generating warm, accepting, and loving attention and extending it to others as well as to yourself. Visualize kindness flowing to the people you love, then progressively to others, and finally to yourself. Compassion does not mean agreement or forgiveness, only that we can acknowledge that as human beings, we all have worth since we are part of what is.

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That’s because they are unable to cultivate compassion for themselves. It’s because their attempts to care and contribute actually stem from a lack of love—for themselves. Wanting to give, to take care of, and to cooperate with others is a noble thing...when it exists purely for its own sake. But for people-pleasers, this noble instinct has become all tangled up. Pleasing others becomes a transaction or a deal (“If I do what they want, they have to love me.”), an obligation with fearful consequences, or an uncomfortable expression of low self-worth. It may even be an unconscious attempt to control others to manage anxiety. In other words, it’s got nothing to do with love, kindness, or connection. Many people might call you a big softie and urge you to toughen up and set boundaries, but perhaps your challenge is something else—i.e., to learn what real compassion looks like. In this chapter, we’ll look at mindfulness and loving-kindness practice as ways to help rescue our genuine compassion from our need to please. These two forms of meditation are about expanding your perspective and opening yourself to a deeper and more authentic sense of worthiness, both in yourself and in others. Mindfulness Meditation for People-Pleasers You may already meditate for stress release or more conscious living, but focusing on the present moment and nothing but the present moment is also an excellent practice for a people-pleaser to develop.

When you calmly embrace the moment without clinging or judgment, you: •Become aware of your fleeting inner experiences and emotions instead of focusing on other peoples’. Most people-pleasers are great at avoiding or denying their emotions. •Realize that life ticks along just fine without you needing to step in and take care of everyone’s problems for them. •Learn to accept what is. This means acknowledging and facing reality without the knee-jerk impulse to change it, save it, fix it, avoid it, judge it, hold on to it, etc. •Develop better mind-body connection so that you genuinely feel your emotions rather than just talk about them abstractly. •Gain space to let your genuine hopes and dreams emerge, and give yourself the opportunity to try on different perspectives without the pressure of adopting someone else’s point of view. •Finally, connect to something bigger than yourself—i.e., a spiritual dimension or God—that you can rest in. It’s a feeling of knowing that not everything is in your control and that you deserve love, too. Mindfulness meditation is about one thing: presence. In this moment, as it is, right now.

When you immerse in it, you will notice that it is in fact a loving presence. There is a kind of calm, joyful acceptance of everything that emerges. It is filled with gratitude, curiosity, and creativity. That sense of being awake and aware to the glorious ever-unfolding moment is the soil in which real compassion grows. Once we can feel loving presence for the present moment, we can start directing it toward ourselves and others. For the people-pleaser, love is something you earn. You have to DO something to get it, and the process is always a struggle or a compromise. But if love is something you win by your efforts, then that means that right now, you are not good enough just as you are for that love. This deep loathing will stay with you no matter how nice you are or how much you do. You trap yourself in a cycle that actually shuts you off from the very thing you want from others, not to mention from your own wisdom and self-love. This is a position of fear.

In mindfulness meditation, though, we are already worthy. There is no problem and nothing to do. We are whole and complete. There is nothing in the moment but open hearts and curious, non-judgmental attention. There is no need to negotiate and bargain with others for our self-worth because we are fully aware of the goodness in ourselves already. This is a position of love and acceptance. Here's a simple exercise to try. 1. Sit somewhere comfortably, slow your breathing, and relax. 2. If worries, concerns, and anxious thoughts pop up, say hello to them but set them aside. 3. Focus calmly on your breathing, and immerse in all the many sensations it brings, without any labeling, judgment, or interpretation. 4. When distracting thoughts pop up again, set them aside again and come back to your breath.

And that’s it. Now, something may happen where you hear yourself saying something like, “You’re doing this wrong." Well, see this thought and accept it, too. Fine, do it wrong. So what? Come back to the breath. “This is boring." Okay. It’s boring. Come back to the breath anyway. Worrying about doing things perfectly is a form of people-pleasing, right?

But when you notice yourself trying to do something, then you’re not meditating anymore. So just stop. Don’t try. There is nothing to achieve, anyway! Don’t give in to the thought, but don’t fight it, either. Just pull your attention away from it and focus again on the present and your breath in it. That’s all. You don’t have to figure out any big cosmic secret or claw your way to enlightenment or become good. Everything is already done; you just have to sit here and be. Mindfulness meditation is not just something to do on a cushion for ten minutes a day, though. Done right, it should punctuate as much of your day as possible.

Whenever you can, just pause what you’re doing and become aware again. Sink into your senses, be still in yourself, and breathe. It is better to create a thousand tiny moments like this in a day than to achieve an hour-long meditation marathon. Reconnect to the moment as you sip your coffee, or as you do a yoga stretch on your way out the door. Listen to the birds. Even if you have some negative and difficult emotions come up, see if you can adopt that calm, accepting attitude and look at these negative emotions so that you just see them as is without judgment. Bringing moments of softness and calm into your everyday life will gradually teach you that you are enough, and there is enough. The moment around you is sufficient, and there is nothing you can or should do to earn your place in it. Loving-Kindness Meditation for People-Pleasers The awareness you develop is not cold and neutral—but warm, open-hearted, and accepting. With the following exercise, you practice opening up to receiving this compassion and also giving it to others with “no strings” and no conditions. Before we jump in, a few caveats: when we have compassion for someone, it’s not the same as agreeing with them or admiring them or thinking that they’re better than us.

We don’t have to forgive them or understand them. We don’t even have to like them. Compassion is simply the recognition that another human being has their own innate worth simply by virtue of them being alive and part of what is. When we extend compassion to others, we don’t pretend they have no faults or that we like their faults. We just accept them because that’s what they are. We accept the moment as it is, and we accept the people we find in it. Think of compassion as total acceptance, but with a warm glow! We do not have compassion because people have earned it and deserve it, or because we want to play at being saints. We just see people for who they are and hold them in our kind awareness. Step 1: First, relax and get ready for your meditation. You could try the above mindfulness meditation for a few moments, or do some yoga stretches.

Step 2: Use visualization to imagine what “compassion” looks like. Maybe a glowing pink orb emanating from your heart, or a kind little bird. Imagine yourself creating and holding on to this compassion. Step 3: Now think of someone you love dearly. Imagine bathing them in this pink light, holding them in a compassionate embrace, or whatever other visual imagery you’d like to create. Extend this feeling to them. Or imagine the little bird dancing above their heads, singing a song. See them smiling and laughing, and feel your kindness toward them. This is not abstract—really feel that compassion for real. Say, “May you be happy and well." Step 4: Next, think of another person you like and extend the same compassion to them, and the same words.

“May you be happy and well." Conjure the same feelings of warmth and kindness. Step 5: Next, imagine someone you’re just neutral about, and do the same thing. This may be trickier, but imagine them as children, or try to picture that there is someone out there who loves them just as you love your nearest and dearest. Step 6: Move to someone you dislike, and then finally to someone you may even hate or fear. This will be challenging, but try it, anyway. See that they, too, are worthy of compassion. Bathe them in the light of kindness and tell them, “May you be happy and well." Step 7: You’re not done yet. The final (and maybe hardest!) step is to turn inward and give yourself that loving and compassionate awareness. See yourself as someone who loves you would see you.

Look at all of you—your good, your bad—and accept it all with easy warmth and joy. Aren’t you a worthy being just as you are? “May I be happy and well." Try to really feel what that means. Loving-kindness meditation is a little different from other forms because we are not just cultivating awareness, but loving awareness. If you’re a recovering people-pleaser, be on the lookout for any time you want to put conditions on the loving acceptance you extend to yourself or others. For example, if you notice that you’re finding it hard to feel warm about someone who has treated you badly, and then you notice the thought, “You’re bad for not being more compassionate toward them; you’re not being compassionate enough,” then stop and take a breath. Can you have compassion for yourself right now, and the fact that just as you are, you are still worthy of compassion? Can you accept that people aren’t perfect, and neither are you, and it’s all okay? A little humor may help. You can probably think of someone you love, warts and all.

You don’t love them because they’re perfect, right? Try to see yourself the same way: your flaws do not disqualify you from love and respect. You are still a valid, worthy human being. Another trick is to picture everyone you know as a child. We were all children once, and even if we’re adults now, we all still need love and acceptance just as much as we needed it then. That's this week's episode Mode of Social Skills coaching. Don't forget to join us next week for another episode. Thank you for listening.