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WoW 122: On what happens in therapy, Psychotherapy Series, Part 1 [Words of Wisdom]
This episode of our psychotherapy series kicks off with Josh sharing a profound respect for individuals undertaking psychotherapy, highlighting it as a brave inward journey towards wisdom and personal growth. Josh demystifies what transpires during therapy sessions regardless of the treatment modality, emphasizing elements such as rigorous honesty, discovery, feedback, and the importance of asking insightful questions. The narrative underscores the transformative potential of therapy when combined with the intentional practice of specific skills and the pursuit of virtue. Furthermore, he touches on the valuable role of a therapist's worldview, advocating for transparency and presenting a case for a Christian foundational approach. Finally, Josh encourages listeners to engage in self-reflection with thought-provoking questions, regardless of their engagement in psychotherapy.
00:00 Introduction to Psychotherapy
00:48 The Importance of Honesty in Therapy
01:40 The Role of Discovery in Therapy
02:34 The Power of Feedback in Therapy
03:07 The Impact of Questions in Therapy
03:37 The Practice of Specific Skills in Therapy
04:45 The Virtue of Growth in Therapy
05:32 The Christian Perspective in Therapy
07:14 The Importance of a Loving Presence in Therapy
08:14 Inspirational Quotes on Psychotherapy
10:23 Self-Reflection Questions
10:59 Conclusion: The Importance of Integrity and Wisdom
About Josh Kalsbeek, LMFT
• As a Psychoherapist I help people overcome their greatest struggles.
• Founder and CEO of Great Oaks Collective, and it's flagship program Overcome, a 10-Week virtual Intensive Outpatient Program for Christian couples experiencing sexual betrayal and addiction. www.greatoakscollective.com.
• Sign up to receive my weekly email newsletter, Words of Wisdom.
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Links
an intentional path to grow in wisdom
it's not so obvious what actually happens in therapy
your suffering
give words to something that you’ve never been able to speak before
healing happens when you can speak out secrets
take meaningful action
virtue is a power law
surrender your strongholds
Carl Rogers, On Becoming a Person: A Therapist's View of Psychotherapy
Irving Yalom, Becoming Myself: A Psychiatrist's Memoir
Footnotes
1 - Irving Yalom, The Gift of Therapy
2 - Galatians 5
3 - Karen Horney, Neurosis and Human Growth
4 - Carl Rogers, On Personal Power
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Transcripts
Words of Wisdom 1 22 on what happens in therapy Psychotherapy series.
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:Part one.
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:I have deep respect for my clients and
for anyone who does psychotherapy, why
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:they're embarking on an intentional
path to grow in wisdom, and many never
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:take such a courageous inward journey.
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:Yet when first starting out, it's not so
obvious what actually happens in therapy.
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:So I thought I'd share some high
level thoughts that applies to
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:psychotherapy, no matter the
treatment modality the therapist uses.
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:Here are a few of the elements and
dynamics that take place in therapy to
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:help you think about the process and
how you might apply it in other domains.
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:Rigorous honesty.
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:The best therapy occurs when you're
ready to be rigorously honest and dare
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:to look yourself, your suffering, your
darkness, and your struggles in the eye.
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:We are social creatures and we'll
hit ceilings to our growth if
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:we do not talk about our lives.
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:The most amazing things can happen
when you give words to something that
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:you've never been able to speak before.
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:Healing happens when you can speak
out secrets, you can gain unique
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:perspective simply by talking.
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:Through, talking in an intentional,
regular, and open way, you'll
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:explore old and new territory,
develop new language, create new
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:narratives, and choose to be known.
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:Discovery.
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:In therapy, you will learn about
yourself, others, and the truth.
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:There are many ideas, frameworks,
and skills that are a part of
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:healing and human flourishing.
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:"Everything is grist for
the mill" is a mindset.
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:Good therapists hold where everything
that occurs in a session is important
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:and can be used to help the client.
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:What is said, how it is said, what
isn't said, complaints or criticisms
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:of the client towards the therapist,
how a client starts or ends a
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:session, anything can be used.
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:Therapy can be seen as a
microcosm of what is happening
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:with the client out in the world.
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:Helping the client uncover hidden
dynamics that are affecting them, and
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:patterns of behavior that impact others
is an important part of good therapy.
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:Feedback therapy is powerful when
you receive actionable, wise,
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:timely and profound feedback.
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:Feedback is critical because as a client
you don't know what you don't know,
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:and there are plenty of things you know
you don't know and need perspective on.
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:Part of the art of therapy is the
timing of giving specific feedback,
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:knowing when not to give feedback,
and part of it is knowing how to give
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:feedback in the form of questions.
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:Questions.
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:One of the powerful dynamics
of therapy is it's bent towards
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:therapists asking insightful questions.
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:Reflecting on powerful questions, helps
bring discovery like nothing else.
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:Radical new insight can burst into
being through a simple question.
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:You can discover entirely new
ways of seeing yourself, a loved
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:one or a perplexing situation by
reflecting on a well-crafted question.
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:Practice specific skills are
learned through practice.
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:It is one thing to show up to a therapy
session and talk and learn during the
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:session, but when you combine this with
practicing specific skills in between
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:sessions, your growth can skyrocket
because you'll be intentionally
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:applying what you're learning.
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:Some of the feedback you receive
in therapy will be very specific,
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:helping you take immediate action.
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:This will help you practice
growing in specific skills.
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:Applying the truth, we grow when we
consistently take meaningful action.
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:We become more virtuous
by practicing virtue.
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:We become more confident by
taking courageous action.
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:We become more honest by experiencing
the benefits of confession.
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:We become more responsible by
owning our behavior and taking
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:initiative by combining intentional
practice of specific skills.
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:With talk therapy, clients can
experience a radical transformation
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:in a matter of months.
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:Virtuous growing in virtue is a power law.
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:Investing in virtue gives you outsized
positive returns in your life.
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:Virtues are so significant
because everything good in your
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:life depends on your character.
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:If you don't invest in growing in
virtue, eventually it catches up to you.
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:When your character
grows, you grow in peace.
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:Contentment, joy and hope.
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:Regardless of if you have outward
success in life, if you lack specific
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:virtues, you will be miserable.
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:Good therapy will help you become a
more pure, loving, patient, gentle,
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:courageous, worshipful, peaceful person.
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:Christian.
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:Some therapists make the idealistic
error that their worldview does not
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:impact or influence their clients.
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:This is impossible.
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:I think it's helpful and
honest for a therapist to be
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:transparent about their worldview.
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:Many will disagree with my
worldview, and that is okay.
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:Ideal therapy, in my biased opinion, is
Christian in its foundational approach.
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:Why?
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:Because a Christian approach best values
truth, trust, indomitable hope, and love.
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:The sacrificial love modeled by
Christ is stunning and is the
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:microcosm of human flourishing.
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:This does not mean that as a Christian
therapist, I need my client to be
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:a Christian or become a Christian.
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:It means, in part, therapy is best
when it helps you go all in and
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:identify and seek to surrender your
strongholds of selfishness, dishonesty,
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:resentment, fear, and distorted thinking.
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:Spiritual strongholds destroy you and
create chaos in the war for your soul.
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:Experiencing a loving, consistent, safe
and skilled relationship such as what
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:happens in good therapy, can help you
grow spiritual fruit of love, joy, peace,
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:patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness,
and self-control loving presence.
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:The best therapists genuinely
love and respect their clients.
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:The client is seen as the acorn and the
therapist is part of the soil that will
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:help the acorn become the oak tree.
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:That healthy soil, that loving
presence, shows up through the smallest
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:kindness, specific encouragement
and affirmation, and giving what we
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:call unconditional positive regard.
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:A loving relationship is fundamental
to a safe and welcoming environment
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:for the courageous work of therapy.
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:If the therapist doesn't genuinely
love and respect their client, their
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:desire to want the client to change
or to be a certain way will poison the
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:essential ground of having a loving,
caring, and supportive environment.
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:If the therapist does love the
client right where they are.
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:They can authentically engage with and
encourage the client in a powerful way.
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:Quotes.
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:The curious paradox is that when
I accept myself just as I am, then
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:I can change by Carl Rogers in
his book on becoming a person, a
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:therapist's view of psychotherapy.
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:I'm very often asked why at the age of
85 I continue to practice psychotherapy.
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:My work with patients enriches my life
in that it provides meaning in life.
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:Rarely do I hear therapists
complain of a lack of meaning.
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:We live lives of service in which we
fix our gaze on the needs of others.
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:We take pleasure not only in
helping our patients change, but
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:also in hoping their changes will
ripple beyond them, towards others.
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:We're also privileged by our
role as cradlers of secrets.
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:Every day,
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:patients grace us with their
secrets, often never before shared.
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:The secrets provide a backstage view of
the human condition without social frills
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:role-playing bravado or stage posturing.
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:Being entrusted with such secrets
is a privilege given to very few.
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:Sometimes the secrets scorch
me and I go home and hold my
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:wife and count my blessings.
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:Moreover, our work provides the
opportunity to transcend ourselves
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:and to envision the true and tragic
knowledge of the human condition.
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:But we are offered even more.
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:We become explorers immersed in the
grandest of pursuits, the development
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:and maintenance of the human mind.
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:Hand in hand with patience,
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:we savor the pleasure of discovery,
the aha experience when disparate
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:ideational fragments suddenly slide
smoothly together into a coherent
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:whole by Irving Yalom in his book
Becoming Myself a Psychiatrist's memoir.
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:Questions.
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:What questions might you be
avoiding asking yourself?
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:Are there any important areas in life
where you're struggling to say no?
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:How does your struggle to
say no impact your life?
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:What lies are you believing or
stories are you telling yourself
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:that empower your struggle to say no?
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:Use these questions as a journal
prompt and to guide your prayers
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:this week, and note whether you do
psychotherapy or not seeking integrity.
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:Being in relationships that help you
reflect and practicing a curious and
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:compassionate self-inquiry is essential
for your ability to become more whole.
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:Live wisely.
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:Josh.
