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WoW 122: On what happens in therapy, Psychotherapy Series, Part 1 [Words of Wisdom]
Episode 3228th February 2024 • Words of Wisdom • Josh Kalsbeek, LMFT
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WoW 122: On what happens in therapy, Psychotherapy Series, Part 1 [Words of Wisdom]

This episode of our psychotherapy series kicks off with Josh sharing a profound respect for individuals undertaking psychotherapy, highlighting it as a brave inward journey towards wisdom and personal growth. Josh demystifies what transpires during therapy sessions regardless of the treatment modality, emphasizing elements such as rigorous honesty, discovery, feedback, and the importance of asking insightful questions. The narrative underscores the transformative potential of therapy when combined with the intentional practice of specific skills and the pursuit of virtue. Furthermore, he touches on the valuable role of a therapist's worldview, advocating for transparency and presenting a case for a Christian foundational approach. Finally, Josh encourages listeners to engage in self-reflection with thought-provoking questions, regardless of their engagement in psychotherapy.

00:00 Introduction to Psychotherapy

00:48 The Importance of Honesty in Therapy

01:40 The Role of Discovery in Therapy

02:34 The Power of Feedback in Therapy

03:07 The Impact of Questions in Therapy

03:37 The Practice of Specific Skills in Therapy

04:45 The Virtue of Growth in Therapy

05:32 The Christian Perspective in Therapy

07:14 The Importance of a Loving Presence in Therapy

08:14 Inspirational Quotes on Psychotherapy

10:23 Self-Reflection Questions

10:59 Conclusion: The Importance of Integrity and Wisdom

About Josh Kalsbeek, LMFT

As a Psychoherapist I help people overcome their greatest struggles.

• Founder and CEO of Great Oaks Collective, and it's flagship program Overcome, a 10-Week virtual Intensive Outpatient Program for Christian couples experiencing sexual betrayal and addiction. www.greatoakscollective.com

• Sign up to receive my weekly email newsletter, Words of Wisdom. ​

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Links

an ​intentional​ path to grow in wisdom

it's​ not so obvious​ what actually happens in therapy

your ​suffering

give words​ to something that you’ve never been able to speak before

healing happens when you can speak out ​secrets

take ​meaningful action​

virtue is a ​power law

surrender your strongholds

Carl Rogers, On Becoming a Person: A Therapist's View of Psychotherapy

Irving Yalom, Becoming Myself: A Psychiatrist's Memoir

Footnotes

1 - Irving Yalom, The Gift of Therapy

2 - Galatians 5

3 - Karen Horney, Neurosis and Human Growth

4 - Carl Rogers, On Personal Power

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Transcripts

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Words of Wisdom 1 22 on what happens in therapy Psychotherapy series.

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Part one.

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I have deep respect for my clients and

for anyone who does psychotherapy, why

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they're embarking on an intentional

path to grow in wisdom, and many never

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take such a courageous inward journey.

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Yet when first starting out, it's not so

obvious what actually happens in therapy.

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So I thought I'd share some high

level thoughts that applies to

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psychotherapy, no matter the

treatment modality the therapist uses.

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Here are a few of the elements and

dynamics that take place in therapy to

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help you think about the process and

how you might apply it in other domains.

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Rigorous honesty.

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The best therapy occurs when you're

ready to be rigorously honest and dare

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to look yourself, your suffering, your

darkness, and your struggles in the eye.

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We are social creatures and we'll

hit ceilings to our growth if

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we do not talk about our lives.

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The most amazing things can happen

when you give words to something that

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you've never been able to speak before.

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Healing happens when you can speak

out secrets, you can gain unique

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perspective simply by talking.

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Through, talking in an intentional,

regular, and open way, you'll

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explore old and new territory,

develop new language, create new

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narratives, and choose to be known.

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Discovery.

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In therapy, you will learn about

yourself, others, and the truth.

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There are many ideas, frameworks,

and skills that are a part of

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healing and human flourishing.

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"Everything is grist for

the mill" is a mindset.

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Good therapists hold where everything

that occurs in a session is important

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and can be used to help the client.

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What is said, how it is said, what

isn't said, complaints or criticisms

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of the client towards the therapist,

how a client starts or ends a

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session, anything can be used.

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Therapy can be seen as a

microcosm of what is happening

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with the client out in the world.

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Helping the client uncover hidden

dynamics that are affecting them, and

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patterns of behavior that impact others

is an important part of good therapy.

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Feedback therapy is powerful when

you receive actionable, wise,

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timely and profound feedback.

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Feedback is critical because as a client

you don't know what you don't know,

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and there are plenty of things you know

you don't know and need perspective on.

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Part of the art of therapy is the

timing of giving specific feedback,

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knowing when not to give feedback,

and part of it is knowing how to give

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feedback in the form of questions.

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Questions.

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One of the powerful dynamics

of therapy is it's bent towards

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therapists asking insightful questions.

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Reflecting on powerful questions, helps

bring discovery like nothing else.

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Radical new insight can burst into

being through a simple question.

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You can discover entirely new

ways of seeing yourself, a loved

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one or a perplexing situation by

reflecting on a well-crafted question.

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Practice specific skills are

learned through practice.

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It is one thing to show up to a therapy

session and talk and learn during the

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session, but when you combine this with

practicing specific skills in between

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sessions, your growth can skyrocket

because you'll be intentionally

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applying what you're learning.

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Some of the feedback you receive

in therapy will be very specific,

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helping you take immediate action.

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This will help you practice

growing in specific skills.

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Applying the truth, we grow when we

consistently take meaningful action.

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We become more virtuous

by practicing virtue.

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We become more confident by

taking courageous action.

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We become more honest by experiencing

the benefits of confession.

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We become more responsible by

owning our behavior and taking

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initiative by combining intentional

practice of specific skills.

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With talk therapy, clients can

experience a radical transformation

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in a matter of months.

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Virtuous growing in virtue is a power law.

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Investing in virtue gives you outsized

positive returns in your life.

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Virtues are so significant

because everything good in your

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life depends on your character.

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If you don't invest in growing in

virtue, eventually it catches up to you.

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When your character

grows, you grow in peace.

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Contentment, joy and hope.

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Regardless of if you have outward

success in life, if you lack specific

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virtues, you will be miserable.

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Good therapy will help you become a

more pure, loving, patient, gentle,

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courageous, worshipful, peaceful person.

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Christian.

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Some therapists make the idealistic

error that their worldview does not

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impact or influence their clients.

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This is impossible.

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I think it's helpful and

honest for a therapist to be

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transparent about their worldview.

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Many will disagree with my

worldview, and that is okay.

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Ideal therapy, in my biased opinion, is

Christian in its foundational approach.

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Why?

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Because a Christian approach best values

truth, trust, indomitable hope, and love.

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The sacrificial love modeled by

Christ is stunning and is the

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microcosm of human flourishing.

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This does not mean that as a Christian

therapist, I need my client to be

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a Christian or become a Christian.

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It means, in part, therapy is best

when it helps you go all in and

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identify and seek to surrender your

strongholds of selfishness, dishonesty,

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resentment, fear, and distorted thinking.

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Spiritual strongholds destroy you and

create chaos in the war for your soul.

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Experiencing a loving, consistent, safe

and skilled relationship such as what

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happens in good therapy, can help you

grow spiritual fruit of love, joy, peace,

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patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness,

and self-control loving presence.

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The best therapists genuinely

love and respect their clients.

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The client is seen as the acorn and the

therapist is part of the soil that will

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help the acorn become the oak tree.

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That healthy soil, that loving

presence, shows up through the smallest

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kindness, specific encouragement

and affirmation, and giving what we

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call unconditional positive regard.

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A loving relationship is fundamental

to a safe and welcoming environment

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for the courageous work of therapy.

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If the therapist doesn't genuinely

love and respect their client, their

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desire to want the client to change

or to be a certain way will poison the

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essential ground of having a loving,

caring, and supportive environment.

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If the therapist does love the

client right where they are.

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They can authentically engage with and

encourage the client in a powerful way.

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Quotes.

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The curious paradox is that when

I accept myself just as I am, then

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I can change by Carl Rogers in

his book on becoming a person, a

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therapist's view of psychotherapy.

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I'm very often asked why at the age of

85 I continue to practice psychotherapy.

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My work with patients enriches my life

in that it provides meaning in life.

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Rarely do I hear therapists

complain of a lack of meaning.

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We live lives of service in which we

fix our gaze on the needs of others.

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We take pleasure not only in

helping our patients change, but

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also in hoping their changes will

ripple beyond them, towards others.

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We're also privileged by our

role as cradlers of secrets.

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Every day,

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patients grace us with their

secrets, often never before shared.

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The secrets provide a backstage view of

the human condition without social frills

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role-playing bravado or stage posturing.

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Being entrusted with such secrets

is a privilege given to very few.

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Sometimes the secrets scorch

me and I go home and hold my

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wife and count my blessings.

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Moreover, our work provides the

opportunity to transcend ourselves

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and to envision the true and tragic

knowledge of the human condition.

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But we are offered even more.

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We become explorers immersed in the

grandest of pursuits, the development

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and maintenance of the human mind.

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Hand in hand with patience,

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we savor the pleasure of discovery,

the aha experience when disparate

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ideational fragments suddenly slide

smoothly together into a coherent

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whole by Irving Yalom in his book

Becoming Myself a Psychiatrist's memoir.

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Questions.

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What questions might you be

avoiding asking yourself?

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Are there any important areas in life

where you're struggling to say no?

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How does your struggle to

say no impact your life?

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What lies are you believing or

stories are you telling yourself

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that empower your struggle to say no?

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Use these questions as a journal

prompt and to guide your prayers

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this week, and note whether you do

psychotherapy or not seeking integrity.

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Being in relationships that help you

reflect and practicing a curious and

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compassionate self-inquiry is essential

for your ability to become more whole.

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Live wisely.

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Josh.

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