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Asked And Analyzed
7th February 2023 • Social Skills Coaching • Patrick King
00:00:00 00:23:00

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Asking questions is an active way to deliberately elicit information from a person, but they need to be targeted and not too obvious. A few seemingly casual hypothetical questions can reveal a person’s deeper values, perspectives, and goals, for example asking what their favorite movie is, what they would save from a fire, or what animal they see themselves as.

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Transcripts

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welcome to social skills coaching where you  learn to be more likable more charismatic

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and more productive today is February 7th 2023.

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what's your favorite movie what would  you save if your house was on fire

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what animal can you see yourself as in today's  episode from Patrick King's book how to extract

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info we'll learn how to use these and  other seemingly innocuous hypothetical

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questions to understand a person's deeper values  perspectives and goals thanks for joining us today

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Observations allow you to gather the “low hanging  fruit” when it comes to information about people.

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A lot of what you want to know  is right there for the seeing.

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Questions, however, take things a step further  and actively elicit information from people,

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note merely observing their  reaction to their environment

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but creating a stimulus that they respond to.

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The great thing about questions is that you can  target and guide the person in front of you,

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so they share with you a response  you can analyze more closely.

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The most skillful form of questioning,

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as you can probably guess, is subtle  and natural so it is never detected.

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Ordinary conversation can conceal  your more deliberate intentions,

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if only you ask questions that seem relaxed,  unobtrusive and appropriate to the situation.

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In the same way that we can miss  valuable information about others

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because we simply don’t observe what’s  right in front of us, we can also fail to

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understand those around because we’re not  really listening when they respond to us.

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Through innocent questioning, we can  uncover a host of information that

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represents an entire worldview or set of values.

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For instance, what if you were to ask  someone where they obtained their news

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and which television channel, which  set of publications, which magazines,

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and which pundits or hosts they preferred?

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It’s a prime illustration of an  indirect question that lets you

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understand quite a bit about how they think.

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Yes, it involves a bit of extrapolation  and guesswork, but at least there’s a

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concrete piece of information to go on  and many concrete associations with it.

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The answer to one question spurs another,  more targeted question, and so on.

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Combined with the observation  techniques already covered,

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you can see how a simple interaction can provide  a rich, three dimensional view of a person.

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We start this chapter with some of these  indirect questions before going even more

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in-depth by asking people for stories  and seeing what we can glean from those.

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These questions are phrased to  challenge and inspire deep thought.

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They ask people to dive deeper so that

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we can begin to understand their  behavioral and thought patterns.

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1.

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What kind of prize would you work hardest for, and  what punishment would you work hardest to avoid?

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The answer to this question might help identify  the true motive behind an individual’s drive.

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Beyond surface-level things,  what is really motivating people?

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What do they really care about?

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And what type of pain or pleasure matters to them?

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On an instinctual level, what really matters  the most in both a positive and negative way?

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In a way, this answer also reflects values.

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For example, gamblers all  want one prize: the jackpot.

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They try and try again, whether  it be with scratchers or slot

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machines to try and win the big prize money.

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Are they motivated by winning back their losses?

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Is their hope to become  richer than they can imagine?

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Do they actually want it, or are they filling  a void and keeping themselves distracted?

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Why are they working so hard?

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You might surmise that their motivation is  the thrill and rush of the risk involved.

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Do they care about making steady  pay or finding their purpose?

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Maybe, and maybe not.

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When you can dig into what  someone wants the most and why,

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you can often find what is driving  them without having to ask it directly.

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The way people answer this question  will clearly tell you their priorities

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and what they consider pain  and pleasure in their lives.

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Look for the emotion behind people’s answers here,

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and you can get a pretty  good read on their values.

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A goal of rising to CEO-level  doesn’t just exist in a vacuum—what

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are the feelings, emotions, and fulfilled  expectations that come from wanting it?

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Likewise, wanting to avoid being poor speaks

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to very specific desires for  security and safety from danger.

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2.

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Where do you want to spend money, and where do  you accept skimping on or skipping altogether?

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This answer reveals what matters to someone’s  life and what they want to experience or avoid.

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This is not really about the item or items  to be purchased; there comes a point where

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material belongings no longer have a use, and  it’s about what those items represent and provide.

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For example, sometimes, spending money  on experiences instead of a new purse

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has the potential to improve someone’s  overall well-being and outlook on life.

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Again, look for the underlying emotions  and motivations behind the answer.

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So what do you have no problem splurging  on, and what doesn’t matter to you?

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For instance, when deciding  on vacation expenditures,

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people may opt to splurge on an epic boat  excursion and stay in a shabby hotel.

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This reveals their desire to experience an  unforgettable moment rather than staying

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in a nice hotel with golden toilets,  which they view as a waste of money.

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Others might opt for the opposite and revel

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in their creature comforts while  not seeing much of the scenery.

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In either case, they’ve used their  money to quite literally identify

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and spend toward their priorities and values.

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Where your money goes is an important  part of what makes you happy,

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so if you can pay attention to where you  let it flow and where you cut it off,

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you’ll immediately know what  matters to you on a daily basis.

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Contrast this question to if you were to ask  someone, “What do you value in your daily life?"

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Again, there is a concrete answer here to analyze.

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This same principle applies  equally to time, money, and effort.

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Where these things flow, whether  consciously or unconsciously,

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represents the values people possess.

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3.

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What is your most personally significant  and meaningful achievement and also your

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most meaningful disappointment or failure?

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It’s common that experiences, whether they’re  good or bad, shape people into who they are.

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Achievements and failures tie  into how someone sees oneself.

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Significant experiences also tend to  create their self-identities—you are

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this kind of person because you  did this and succeeded or failed.

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We can’t escape the fact  that past occurrences will

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often influence our current and future actions.

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They don’t have to, but this isn’t  a book about changing your mindsets.

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The point is that large events will  reverberate throughout our entire lives.

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So this question will get a response about how  people view themselves, for better or worse.

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Failure will painfully poke perceived  flaws they hate about themselves,

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while achievements will bring up  the strengths they are proud of.

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A career woman who has worked her way up the

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corporate ladder might proudly  reflect on her accomplishment.

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Why does she consider this  her greatest achievement?

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Because she values independence,  resilience, and determination,

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and that’s exactly what it takes  to get to that career pinnacle.

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She looks back to the things she did  in order to get that corner office,

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and she feels positively about them.

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Thus, the answer about her career  accomplishments is actually a story

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about the positive traits she utilized  in reaching that point—her self-identity.

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You can imagine that the same negative  type of self-identity might unfold if the

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same woman were to talk about her failures  and ended up in a job that she despised.

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Those are the exact things she hates the most.

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The way that people answer this  question shows who they want to be,

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and this is reflected in exactly how their  expectations have either been fulfilled or not.

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4.

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What is effortless and what is always exhausting?

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This is a question that is designed to  better understand what people actually enjoy.

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Something that is effortless  isn’t always an innate talent,

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but rather an indication that they enjoy it.

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On the other hand, something that is  always exhausting is not always about

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people’s lack of competency, but rather  a distaste for the actual activity.

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Thus, answers to this question can indicate  where people find natural joy and enjoyment,

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even if they don’t realize it themselves.

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For instance, as a baker answers  this question, she may recognize

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her rather mediocre capacity for creativity for  blending ingredients together to make a dessert.

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Although she is above average, she  is not naturally talented at it,

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and it has been very difficult  for as long as she can remember.

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She was not innately talented  with culinary creativity,

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and yet she finds joy in it such  that she is always driven to it.

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It’s challenging but effortless in a  way that she doesn’t grow tired of.

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On the other hand, she may have a natural  talent in understanding and following

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traditional recipes—yet it is not something  that she values or particularly cares about.

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If we were to look at only her innate talents,

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we would conclude that she should stick  to only executing the dishes of others.

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But it’s simply not what she values.

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As mentioned previously, wherever our time,

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effort, energy, and money  goes, such are our values.

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5.

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If you could design a character in a game,

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what traits would you emphasize  and which would you ignore?

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This question asks what people  see as their ideal self and also

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what they feel is less important in the world.

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Imagine that you have a limited number of points

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to give a person but six traits  to spread the points across.

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Which will you choose to emphasize and bolster,

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and which will you choose to  leave average or even lacking?

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Suppose you have the ability to choose  between the traits of charisma, academic

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intelligence, sense of humor, honesty,  resilience, and emotional awareness.

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The traits you’d choose to put the maximum number  of points in is how you’d like others to see you.

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It may represent your current composition of

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traits, or it might be completely  opposite to who you currently are.

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In either case, it’s more than likely that this

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either represents how you see yourself  or how you would like to see yourself.

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And the other traits?

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Well, they simply matter less.

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In turn, they seek out people with  those traits they like and are less

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keen to seek out those with the other traits.

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There are probably stories behind each of  the traits that people might choose as well.

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A related question to ask others is,  “What traits are common in other people?"

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This question comes from a 2010  psychological study by Dustin Wood,

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in which he found that people tended to describe  others with similar traits as themselves.

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Presumably this is because people tend  to see their own qualities in others.

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No one believes that their mental  makeup of traits is uncommon, and thus,

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they believe everyone has a similar  perspective and way of thinking as them.

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Answers to this question are a direct insight

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into what traits people believe  they have, for better or worse.

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From there, you know what kind of approach  they have to the world—kind, generous,

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distrusting, mischievous, or even ill-spirited.

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6.

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What charity would you donate  millions to if you had to?

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Answering this question forces one to answer what

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they care about in the world at large  rather than just in their own life.

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Will you donate to an animal  shelter or a charity for cancer?

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Perhaps you would sponsor a  child from a third-world country?

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They all say very different things.

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You might have had a first- or secondhand  experience with any of these causes.

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Whatever the case, it shows what matters when  people start to think outside of themselves.

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You can see a whole sector of the  world that they are concerned about,

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and this allows you to see how  they view their place in the world.

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In other words, whose interests do they  tend to prioritize or be motivated by?

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As always, look to the underlying emotion.

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Being able to ask these questions evokes a

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deeper connection to people’s  values, ideas, and awareness.

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The purpose of asking these is  to, again, examine behavior.

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These questions guide a person in thinking about  the most relevant aspects of his or her character.

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They also make people think  beyond predictable statements

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and organically stimulate more meaningful thought.

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Look beyond the answers  and read between the lines.

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Critical thinking, evaluation, and  reflection are the key skills at play here.

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Next, we go deeper by asking people for stories  that they construct, rather than just a relatively

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short answer, to see what we can glean from  hearing their internal dialogue in full effect.

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7.

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What animal best describes you?

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The great thing about this question is that it’s  a very personal inquiry hidden in plain sight.

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People are far more comfortable  talking about certain traits they

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admire in others than they are about  talking directly about themselves.

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You might also find that asking this question has  people feeling very willing to share revealing

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information that they otherwise might  have felt too uncomfortable to reveal.

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Something about the distance that’s created

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when talking about an animal can prompt  some very forthright and honest answers.

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People may inadvertently tell you about who they

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wish they were when they tell  about their favorite animal.

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Listen carefully to the person who  says they love dogs but dislike cats.

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Ask them why, and their answer will tell you  plainly about the traits they value in others,

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in themselves, and how they wish to be.

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The best way to pose this question  is as casually as possible.

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Don’t make it seem like you’re grilling  for a serious answer—ironically,

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this attitude will quickly reach past  people’s defenses and have them blurting

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out information about themselves  that can be incredibly meaningful.

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What they tell you immediately after is  important—whatever is top of their mind

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is the aspect of themselves they likely see as  most important, most relevant or most fixed.

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For example, a person immediately  tells you they’re a bear and needs no

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they’re fierce, protect their loved  ones and shouldn’t be messed with.

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But if they didn’t choose a shark,

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could this mean that they also see themselves  as having a bit of “cuddly” side to them, too?

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On the surface, such questions can seem  innocent and playful, but it’s this very

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simplicity that allows people to respond  most honestly—as though to a Rorschach test.

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Did they choose a carnivore or an herbivore?

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A mythical animal?

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A pest?

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A domesticated animal or a  wild, slightly dangerous one?

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Such a question adds immense depth  and color to your understanding of

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the person—and it does so in their own terms.

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8.

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What’s your favorite movie?

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This is perhaps as obvious on  the surface as the previous one,

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but many people don’t stop to truly think  about the huge amounts of information they’re

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being offered when people share  things like their favorite films.

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With this question, people are really sharing with  you the narratives and stories they’re drawn to,

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which in turn show you in a deep way what their  inner moral universe looks like, how they think

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of the good and bad guys, or even how they  envision their own grand story as it unfolds.

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What is it about a particular film that they like?

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Don’t simply assume that they identify  with the main character—it may be the

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director or the genre itself that  most powerful speaks to them.

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And if someone answers, “Well, it’s a very obscure  independent Polish film released in the early 40s.

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I don’t expect you know anything about it,”

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you can infer a lot even though  you’ve never heard of the film!

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You can assume that this person values exclusivity  and rarity, and likes to style themselves a

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connoisseur with excellent taste (i.e., what other  people would identify as an infuriating hipster!).

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Use the answer to this question along  with other data you’re gathering.

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What does it mean that the shy, skinny kid  in the corner best loves a superhero film?

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What would a retired Japanese mom see in a serious  film about the slave trade in the deep south?

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The person who tells you their  favorite film is a comedy—does

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it mean anything that the comedy  they choose is not a recent one,

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but one from decades past, that would have  been popular when they were just a child?

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9.

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What would you rescue from a fire in your home?

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You know the drill.

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Your entire home is burning and you can only go  in to fetch one single treasured item, no more.

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This is another question that taps deeply into a  person’s most fundamental values and priorities.

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Maybe you had a particular  person pegged as a pragmatic,

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almost emotionally-stunted person until they  tell you they’d save a single book of poetry.

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Crisis and emergency situations have a way of  quickly cutting through the clutter of life.

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People may appear a certain way right up  until their backs are against the wall.

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In the film Force Majeure,  a family finds themselves

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facing a terrifying but brief  threat—an oncoming avalanche.

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In the few heated moments, the father  fleas the scene, saving himself,

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while the mother stays with her children.

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Though the danger passes and  everyone is soon safe again,

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the rest of the movie explores what the father’s  actions mean—did his knee-jerk response in the

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moment say something about what he really  valued—i.e., himself, and not his family?

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Try to understand not just what  a person would save, but why.

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A person who would quickly grab  their pet cat before anything

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else is telling you that they value  life more than inanimate possessions.

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A person who grabs their passport is telling  you that they see their freedom to move,

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their ability to travel, as a very special thing.

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Similarly, someone who simply tells you they’d  grab their wallet because they had all their

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money, cards and driver’s license in there  is also telling you something important—that

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they are interpreting your question not  in terms of values or hypotheticals,

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but as a literal and practical dilemma to  be solved in the most logical way possible.

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Very different from the person who boldly claims

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they would save an old photograph  of their great-great-grandmother!

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10.

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What scares you most?

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Many of the above questions are focused on  values, principles, priorities, desires.

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But of course, you can also  learn a lot about a person

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by what they actively avoid, detest and fear.

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This tells you not only what they do  value, but also how they see themselves.

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After all, it makes sense that you would  fear the thing you most felt unable to

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protect yourself against, or the thing that  you felt was most harmful to you personally.

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This can yield enormous amounts of insight into

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how a person sees their own  strengths and limitations.

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Someone who says “spiders” is  going to have a very different

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psychological makeup than someone  who claims, “early onset dementia,

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where I gradually forget who I am and  the faces of everyone I used to love."

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Fears are often a door to people’s  most firmly held principles—a

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person who is extremely morally-inclined  and driven by justice and fairness might

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fear serial-killers, psychopaths or  even demonic supernatural entities.

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On the other hand, fears can also  tell you what that person thinks

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of their ability to handle adversity or suffering.

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The person who fears rejection, abandonment and  criticism is telling you that in their world,

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psychological harm is more  serious than physical harm.

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Likewise, what would you infer about  someone who unflinchingly tells you,

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“I’m not scared of anything”?

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that's it for this week's  episode of social skills coaching

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be sure to sign up for our author's email  list at bitly slash PK Consulting and

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join us next Tuesday for the next  episode of social skills coaching

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