Transcripts
Communication Skills Training:
Speaker:How to Talk to Anyone,
Speaker:Speak with Clarity,
Speaker:& Handle Any Situation (How to be More Likable and Charismatic Book 24)
Speaker:Written by
Speaker:Patrick King, narrated by russell newton.
Speaker:Communication is everything.
Speaker:No matter who you are or what you are trying to achieve in your life,
Speaker:improving your communication skills is a must.
Speaker:It’s a strange fact that human beings are expected to just know how to
Speaker:communicate—despite so many of us finding it challenging or unpleasant!
Speaker:The truth is that good communication takes time,
Speaker:effort,
Speaker:and know-how.
Speaker:It follows known principles and laws.
Speaker:Luckily,
Speaker:being a charismatic speaker,
Speaker:empathetic listener,
Speaker:and skillful negotiator and mediator is not something reserved for the select
Speaker:few—it’s something that anyone can do if only you understand these laws.
Speaker:There is certainly not enough space in just one book to cover all the
Speaker:multifaceted ways that communication can be finetuned and tweaked.
Speaker:But in the following chapters,
Speaker:we’re going to explore some of the most popular concepts and principles so
Speaker:you feel empowered to start making positive changes right now.
Speaker:One idea that we will return to frequently is the overall purpose of
Speaker:communication.
Speaker:We reach out to one another to connect,
Speaker:to meet our needs,
Speaker:to express ourselves,
Speaker:and to solve problems.
Speaker:Therefore,
Speaker:the best mindset to adopt on our mission to become better communicators is the
Speaker:one that will best allow us to do just that - connect.
Speaker:Identify Your Communication Style.
Speaker:When learning how to communicate better,
Speaker:it’s important to understand your exact starting point,
Speaker:i.e.,
Speaker:how good is your communication ability currently?
Speaker:If you’ve picked up this book,
Speaker:chances are there are some aspects of the way you communicate that you’ve
Speaker:identified as needing improvement.
Speaker:But communication is not just one skill,
Speaker:but a complex mix of many.
Speaker:On top of that,
Speaker:there are different styles of communication.
Speaker:Even if you don’t consider yourself a good communicator currently,
Speaker:you have a unique and characteristic type of communication whether you’re
Speaker:conscious of it or not.
Speaker:As we move through the chapters of this book,
Speaker:we’ll be looking at concrete ways to consciously choose the best and most
Speaker:effective styles of communication rather than default to unconscious patterns
Speaker:that may not really be working for us.
Speaker:When you can communicate well,
Speaker:your relationships take on an extra dimension of quality and intimacy,
Speaker:you find yourself in conflict far less often,
Speaker:and you give yourself the gift of being seen and understood so that other
Speaker:people have the best possible chance of meeting your needs.
Speaker:But without good communication,
Speaker:everything—relationships,
Speaker:work,
Speaker:conflict resolution—becomes much,
Speaker:much harder,
Speaker:if not impossible.
Speaker:Before we learn the best ways to communicate,
Speaker:let’s ask ourselves - how do we communicate right now?
Speaker:Take a look at the following communication style profiles and see if you can
Speaker:recognize yourself in one (or more!)
Speaker:of them - The Passive Communicator.
Speaker:For this kind of communicator,
Speaker:it’s all about what isn’t said.
Speaker:Passive communication avoids expressing needs and wants,
Speaker:avoids conflict,
Speaker:and doesn’t directly and obviously convey thoughts or feelings.
Speaker:Imagine two friends going out for a drink.
Speaker:The first asks the second where he’d like to go,
Speaker:the second says,
Speaker:“Oh,
Speaker:I don’t mind.
Speaker:You choose somewhere."
Speaker:The first does choose somewhere,
Speaker:and the second doesn’t actually like it ...but doesn’t say so.
Speaker:Instead,
Speaker:he gets quietly annoyed and resentful.
Speaker:When the first friend asks what’s wrong,
Speaker:the second says,
Speaker:“Oh,
Speaker:nothing,
Speaker:I’m fine,” while very obviously not being fine!
Speaker:At the end of the evening,
Speaker:things come to a head and the passive friend has an emotional outburst,
Speaker:snapping rudely.
Speaker:Immediately,
Speaker:he apologizes and acts submissive and guilty.
Speaker:He goes home wondering how he keeps ending up in such emotionally fraught
Speaker:situations when he works so hard to avoid confrontation.
Speaker:Sound familiar?
Speaker:You might have a passive communication style.
Speaker:Here are some other clues -
Speaker:•You apologize for expressing yourself or sharing your wants and needs
Speaker:•You find it difficult to make decisions,
Speaker:lead,
Speaker:or take responsibility
Speaker:•You sometimes feel like a victim
Speaker:•You often prefer to opt out or let others take control
Speaker:•You sometimes don’t know what you really think or feel
Speaker:•You tend to blame others for bad things that happen
Speaker:•You don’t generally feel in control of situations,
Speaker:or your life generally Nonverbally,
Speaker:passive communicators tend to speak quietly and adopt a small,
Speaker:submissive posture,
Speaker:or else fidget nervously or avoid eye contact.
Speaker:The irony is that a passive communicator does not achieve the result they want
Speaker:with this behavior.
Speaker:Other people can feel frustrated,
Speaker:guilty,
Speaker:exasperated,
Speaker:or annoyed with you,
Speaker:or else they may see the passivity as an invitation to take advantage.
Speaker:On the other hand,
Speaker:a passive communicator can leave others feeling unwilling to help anymore since
Speaker:their efforts are often met with a passive,
Speaker:defeatist attitude that lacks energy and autonomy.
Speaker:The Aggressive Communicator.
Speaker:Where the passive communicator expresses too little of their needs and wants,
Speaker:the aggressive communicator goes too far in the other direction.
Speaker:They know what they want,
Speaker:and they will be as demanding,
Speaker:intimidating,
Speaker:and even hostile as they need to be to get it.
Speaker:From this point of view,
Speaker:communication is a war,
Speaker:and the aggressive communicator is one who intends to win and beat down their
Speaker:opponent.
Speaker:This can be that office bully who is always loud,
Speaker:threatening,
Speaker:and abrasive,
Speaker:but it doesn’t always have to be as blatant as this.
Speaker:Sometimes,
Speaker:the one person in a family or friend group whom everyone is most afraid of is
Speaker:the one who is simply ruthless and unpredictable.
Speaker:An aggressive communicator might literally yell and scream,
Speaker:saying “Don’t be stupid!” or scoffing loudly at what you say,
Speaker:but they can also be aggressive in their body language or actions -
Speaker:•Sharp,
Speaker:sudden,
Speaker:or “big” gestures
Speaker:•Hogging space
Speaker:•Towering over others
Speaker:•Scowling,
Speaker:glaring,
Speaker:frowning
Speaker:•Invading people’s personal space Again,
Speaker:the result is ironic - Most people might comply with an aggressive
Speaker:communicator,
Speaker:at least at first,
Speaker:but they quickly can grow defensive,
Speaker:uncooperative,
Speaker:and resentful.
Speaker:Nobody likes to be humiliated or hurt,
Speaker:and so the result is often less respect but more defensiveness and
Speaker:pushback—the last thing an aggressive communicator actually wants.
Speaker:The Passive-Aggressive Communicator We all know someone like this!
Speaker:This style of communication is as aggressive as the previous one,
Speaker:only it’s covert,
Speaker:i.e.,
Speaker:hidden and indirect.
Speaker:Things are not what they seem on the surface.
Speaker:Someone who communicates this way may feel angry but powerless to act in direct
Speaker:or ordinary ways—so they attempt to meet their needs and make themselves
Speaker:known passively instead.
Speaker:They may use heaps of sarcasm,
Speaker:they may complain bitterly and make a nuisance of themselves (without doing a
Speaker:thing to help themselves),
Speaker:or they may sulk until someone is forced to do something about it.
Speaker:Otherwise,
Speaker:they may gossip,
Speaker:issue false apologies,
Speaker:or give compliments that are actually insults in disguise.
Speaker:They may engage in “malicious compliance” (“I will give the appearance of
Speaker:cooperation but actually not be compliant at all”)
Speaker:or be difficult or unreliable instead of saying outright that they don’t want
Speaker:to do something.
Speaker:There is a devious,
Speaker:almost two-faced feeling to this type of communication that leaves other people
Speaker:feeling manipulated,
Speaker:exhausted,
Speaker:or confused.
Speaker:Imagine our two friends are out for a drink,
Speaker:and the passive one says,
Speaker:“Oh,
Speaker:you can choose a place.
Speaker:I don’t mind."
Speaker:Let’s say the other one has a passive-aggressive communication style,
Speaker:and although they resent being forced to make decisions all the time,
Speaker:they don’t feel able to come out and say that directly.
Speaker:So instead,
Speaker:they say,
Speaker:“Oh no,
Speaker:I understand.
Speaker:How could I forget that it’s always my job to sort these things out,
Speaker:right?"
Speaker:As they deliver with a sugary-sweet smile,
Speaker:there is plausible deniability in this,
Speaker:and when the other friend responds to the hidden aggression in it,
Speaker:the first one can act hurt and confused - “Calm down ...It was just a joke!"
Speaker:If pushed,
Speaker:the passive-aggressive friend may then apologize,
Speaker:but it will be an “apology” with a sting in the tail - “Sheesh,
Speaker:I said I’m sorry.
Speaker:Forgive me for not being perfect all the time ...” The Manipulative
Speaker:Communicator.
Speaker:The above style has some overlap with one more style,
Speaker:that of the manipulative communicator.
Speaker:This is the person who uses cunning and fakery to get what they want.
Speaker:Manipulation is essentially an attempt to control other people and have them
Speaker:do,
Speaker:say,
Speaker:and think as you’d like them to.
Speaker:While the passive-aggressive communicator can hurt others indirectly in an
Speaker:attempt to express their needs without really expressing them,
Speaker:the manipulator is characterized by their ability to see others as tools,
Speaker:i.e.,
Speaker:a means to an end.
Speaker:So,
Speaker:a manipulative communication will cry “crocodile tears” in order to make
Speaker:the other person feel sorry for them (instead of,
Speaker:for comparison,
Speaker:simply sharing their genuine experience and the other person responding with
Speaker:genuine,
Speaker:uncoerced empathy!).
Speaker:They may “ask without asking” or use emotional levers such as guilt and
Speaker:obligation to position people in ways that suit them.
Speaker:A manipulative communicator might see someone enjoying their lunch at work and
Speaker:say,
Speaker:seemingly to no one in particular in a high-pitched,
Speaker:condescending voice,
Speaker:“Oh,
Speaker:that looks delicious.
Speaker:Aren’t you lucky?
Speaker:I wish I could eat such fancy stuff like that for lunch every day.
Speaker:Oh well."
Speaker:If you’ve ever been on the receiving end of someone “fishing for
Speaker:compliments,” then know that this is another form of trying to control
Speaker:others—in these examples trying to force someone to give you a compliment.
Speaker:Manipulative communication can sometimes “work,” but more often than not it
Speaker:is rightly perceived by others as artificial,
Speaker:condescending,
Speaker:and untrustworthy.
Speaker:If outright tricks and lies are used,
Speaker:the communication style can fail badly and the person not only fails to get
Speaker:what they want,
Speaker:but they shut off potential genuine avenues of connection and
Speaker:understanding—shooting themselves in the foot,
Speaker:basically.
Speaker:Now,
Speaker:in reading about these four communication styles,
Speaker:you can probably see that you’ve been guilty of all of them at least at some
Speaker:point in your life.
Speaker:You can also probably see that they overlap one another and that the tactics in
Speaker:each style can vary in intensity.
Speaker:Few people use any single type exclusively in their communication,
Speaker:but it is worth asking honestly about patterns that you observe in yourself.
Speaker:There are countless shades and nuances possible when we think about how not to
Speaker:communicate.
Speaker:Ultimately,
Speaker:though,
Speaker:there’s one thing to keep in mind - None of them really WORK. In other
Speaker:words,
Speaker:the above four communication styles are “bad” not because they use lies,
Speaker:passivity,
Speaker:or force,
Speaker:but rather because they don’t achieve the main goal of communication.
Speaker:Why do people communicate?
Speaker:There are only a few primary reasons -
Speaker:•To get our needs met
Speaker:•To share our experience and express who we are
Speaker:•To solve problems
Speaker:•To connect with another human being The above communication styles are
Speaker:actually attempts to meet some or all of these goals.
Speaker:Usually,
Speaker:however,
Speaker:they achieve the exact opposite result.
Speaker:While it can be fun to identify annoying communication patterns in others,
Speaker:there is more to be gained by honestly asking where we ourselves fall short of
Speaker:ideal communication patterns.
Speaker:Do we have a tendency to be aggressive,
Speaker:passive,
Speaker:passive-aggressive,
Speaker:or manipulative?
Speaker:Or even all four?
Speaker:It helps to be aware of maladaptive communication strategies,
Speaker:but let’s also look at how we can best communicate,
Speaker:i.e.,
Speaker:how we can meet our needs,
Speaker:express ourselves,
Speaker:and solve problems in a way that actually works.
Speaker:The Assertive Communicator.
Speaker:This is a healthy,
Speaker:balanced,
Speaker:and conscious way of communicating.
Speaker:It’s the ability to express needs,
Speaker:wants,
Speaker:thoughts,
Speaker:and feelings in a direct and assertive way without ever disrespecting or
Speaker:controlling the way others think or feel,
Speaker:controlling what they do,
Speaker:or undermining what they need.
Speaker:This is the communication style that comes from a healthy self-esteem paired
Speaker:with a healthy sense of respect and compassion for others.
Speaker:In non-verbal expression,
Speaker:such people are self-controlled,
Speaker:balanced,
Speaker:relaxed,
Speaker:open,
Speaker:and respectful—and that means respect for themselves and others.
Speaker:Because of this,
Speaker:other people trust and like them,
Speaker:and if they don’t,
Speaker:at the very least they know where they stand.
Speaker:People do not feel obliged to take care of them or forced to do things they
Speaker:don’t want to in order to appease them.
Speaker:In the company of a person who communicates this way,
Speaker:things are clear,
Speaker:direct,
Speaker:mature,
Speaker:respectful,
Speaker:and relaxed no matter the kind of conversation unfolding.
Speaker:They can say,
Speaker:“You know what,
Speaker:to be honest,
Speaker:I don’t really feel like going out drinking tonight.
Speaker:I’m in the mood to just get some takeout and relax at home.
Speaker:What do you think?
Speaker:We could still pick up a couple of beers ...” They can express their needs or
Speaker:desires clearly,
Speaker:directly,
Speaker:and politely (“Oh,
Speaker:wow,
Speaker:that looks amazing!
Speaker:Would you mind if I had a tiny taste?”)
Speaker:and simply don’t need to control others or get them to take care of them (for
Speaker:example,
Speaker:no fishing for compliments needed because you are happy and confident with your
Speaker:choices and don’t need external validation for them).
Speaker:Finally,
Speaker:assertive communicators are flexible and can set healthy boundaries when
Speaker:necessary,
Speaker:but they can also be open,
Speaker:trusting,
Speaker:and vulnerable at other times.
Speaker:The first thing to realize is that certain communication styles are simply not
Speaker:effective and will not get you the results you want.
Speaker:How you communicate is a choice.
Speaker:You can make the best choice when you consciously understand what you’re
Speaker:doing and why it’s not working ...so you can choose something that will work.
Speaker:Every endeavor to improve must begin with a level of self-awareness.
Speaker:There is no shame or blame in identifying the current limits and blind spots in
Speaker:your own communication style.
Speaker:The quality of our relationships with others comes down to the quality of our
Speaker:communication.
Speaker:And guess what?
Speaker:The quality of our communication comes down one hundred percent to us and what
Speaker:we consciously choose for ourselves.
Speaker:For now,
Speaker:be curious about what isn’t working for you communication-wise.
Speaker:Think back to conflicts or communication breakdowns in the past and see if you
Speaker:can identify some of these less-than-helpful styles in yourself,
Speaker:the other person ...or both.
Speaker:Before we continue,
Speaker:consider the attitude that inspires a healthy and assertive communication style.
Speaker:Read the following sentiments.
Speaker:Do any seem particularly alien to you or difficult to agree with?
Speaker:This might be a clue to the aspects of assertive communication you could
Speaker:develop in yourself - “All people are equally entitled to express themselves
Speaker:as long as they’re respectful."
Speaker:“I’m confident in who I am,
Speaker:and I like myself."
Speaker:“I have choices."
Speaker:“I take responsibility for getting my needs met."
Speaker:“I am comfortable speaking honestly and clearly."
Speaker:“I am calm,
Speaker:positive,
Speaker:and measured when dealing with others."
Speaker:“I don’t need to or want to control others—I am more interested in
Speaker:self-mastery."
Speaker:“I like to seek compromise and balance."
Speaker:“I value my rights immensely.
Speaker:I also wouldn’t dream of infringing on someone else’s rights."
Speaker:“Nobody owes me anything."
Speaker:In the interest of increasing self-awareness,
Speaker:ask yourself the following questions - What is my main style of communication?
Speaker:What aspect of assertive communication do I find most difficult?
Speaker:What would I most like to improve about the way I communicate?
Speaker:Psychological Barriers To Communication.
Speaker:In the previous chapter,
Speaker:we began by exploring people’s habitual communication styles,
Speaker:and how we might start to use self-awareness and observation of others to
Speaker:better establish non-verbal rapport—the first task in any conversation.
Speaker:It might seem strange for a book on communication to say the following,
Speaker:but it’s true - Good communication is a natural,
Speaker:normal human ability,
Speaker:and it’s something that anyone can do with ease.
Speaker:You might then ask if that’s the case,
Speaker:why are so many people so bad at communicating?
Speaker:The answer is that communicating well is simple and easy,
Speaker:but we first need to remove the formidable barriers that stand in our way to
Speaker:doing so.
Speaker:This is what can be difficult.
Speaker:People are only able to communicate at the level that their inner psychological
Speaker:barriers allow them to.
Speaker:For example,
Speaker:if there are two people,
Speaker:and one person has amazing communication skills but the other is trapped in a
Speaker:core belief that conversations are battles they need to win,
Speaker:then the conversation will never move beyond this battle framework.
Speaker:Basically,
Speaker:one’s emotional state,
Speaker:beliefs,
Speaker:habits,
Speaker:personality,
Speaker:and general attitude to life are the ultimate limits to how well they are able
Speaker:to connect to and communicate with others.
Speaker:Certain psychological states will improve your ability to both send and receive
Speaker:a message,
Speaker:while others will undermine it.
Speaker:With that in mind,
Speaker:what barriers are there,
Speaker:and how can we replace them with something more useful?
Speaker:Assumptions.
Speaker:Assuming is simply coming to a conclusion you don’t strictly have evidence
Speaker:for.
Speaker:It almost always leads to misunderstanding.
Speaker:Communication,
Speaker:after all,
Speaker:is about learning about the other person and their message.
Speaker:If we think we already know all there is to know,
Speaker:then why have a conversation at all,
Speaker:right?
Speaker:Imagine that a boss doesn’t give detailed instructions to a new employee
Speaker:because she assumes that the employee will already know how to do the task.
Speaker:The employee doesn’t and so fails at the task.
Speaker:Here,
Speaker:the barrier of assumption has stepped in and prevented any real communication
Speaker:from happening,
Speaker:but it can also rear its head once communication is underway.
Speaker:If you’ve ever had an argument and both found yourselves saying things like,
Speaker:“But I thought you meant X!” then you likely were both guilty of making
Speaker:assumptions.
Speaker:In conversations,
Speaker:it’s so easy to assume that all the mental models,
Speaker:frameworks,
Speaker:systems of meanings,
Speaker:values,
Speaker:and definitions that we hold are neatly shared by other people.
Speaker:We forget that they have their own goals and interpretations of events,
Speaker:and they may have their own understanding that can be identical to ours,
Speaker:completely opposite,
Speaker:or anything in between.
Speaker:How do we know what kind of world the person in front of us is actually
Speaker:inhabiting?
Speaker:Well,
Speaker:we communicate with them!
Speaker:And this means no assumptions.
Speaker:Instead,
Speaker:ask questions.
Speaker:Pretend you are a reporter or documentary filmmaker or alien from outer space
Speaker:...or all three.
Speaker:Empty your mind of any preconceptions and don’t guess.
Speaker:Ask the other person to tell you what they think and feel.
Speaker:Sometimes,
Speaker:with some topics,
Speaker:you’ll need to confirm even this,
Speaker:because after all,
Speaker:we all use words and ideas in different ways.
Speaker:Think of someone asking someone else to marry them.
Speaker:That person says yes.
Speaker:But what exactly have they agreed to?
Speaker:How big is the overlap between their respective understanding of the word
Speaker:“marriage”?
Speaker:Aggression And Anger.
Speaker:We’ve already seen that aggressive (or passive-aggressive)
Speaker:communication styles cause upset and don’t even achieve the person’s
Speaker:communication goals anyway.
Speaker:But for obvious reasons,
Speaker:anger,
Speaker:resentment,
Speaker:or even rage can be serious obstacles to effective communication.
Speaker:It’s simple - To communicate,
Speaker:we have to make contact.
Speaker:We connect with someone else,
Speaker:and this requires us to let our guards down and become receptive and open to
Speaker:what the other person is sharing.
Speaker:If the other person is angry,
Speaker:they will come across as a threat—and why would you ever be receptive to a
Speaker:threat?
Speaker:Most sane people will close off to aggression and disconnect in an effort to
Speaker:protect themselves.
Speaker:This means that if you are leading with anger,
Speaker:you are automatically creating a condition in which communicating cannot take
Speaker:place.
Speaker:Think about that - You cannot communicate with a threat,
Speaker:real or perceived.
Speaker:You can only defend against it.
Speaker:If you lead with anger,
Speaker:you can only expect defensiveness from the other person—and this gets you
Speaker:nowhere.
Speaker:Instead,
Speaker:own your emotions.
Speaker:Feeling angry is not a problem;
Speaker:approaching someone else with hostility and aggression is.
Speaker:The alternative is not to force yourself to pretend to be calm.
Speaker:Rather,
Speaker:it’s to own your feelings and identify them as belonging to you.
Speaker:Instead of blaming the other person or directing your emotion to them,
Speaker:hold that emotion as something that belongs to you only.
Speaker:Using “I” statements will mean you can say,
Speaker:“I feel so overwhelmed right now,” instead of,
Speaker:“You’re stressing me out!"
Speaker:Preconceived Attitudes.
Speaker:Here is the question yet again - What is the point of communication?
Speaker:What is it for,
Speaker:ultimately?
Speaker:The way you answer this question shows you the attitude you hold toward
Speaker:communication.
Speaker:For some people,
Speaker:conversations are a fight or a courtroom drama or a way to prove how
Speaker:“right” and worthy they are.
Speaker:For others,
Speaker:the point is to get their needs met or share and express or simply reach
Speaker:outside the limits of their own inner perception and connect with another human
Speaker:being.
Speaker:Naturally,
Speaker:the attitude you have to conversations will depend on the beliefs you hold.
Speaker:These beliefs also include the habitual roles you’ve always assumed in
Speaker:conversation with others.
Speaker:Do you routinely show up as the therapist,
Speaker:comedian,
Speaker:drill sergeant?
Speaker:Are you always preaching and explaining,
Speaker:or do you repeatedly defer to others and let them lead?
Speaker:None of these orientations are right or wrong in themselves.
Speaker:But if you are a)
Speaker:unaware that they are there in the first place or b)
Speaker:constantly communicating with people who don’t share your attitude,
Speaker:then you can expect conflict and misunderstanding.
Speaker:One especially big impediment to effective communication is negative
Speaker:self-image,
Speaker:or low confidence.
Speaker:This acts like a kind of filter in which every message you receive from the
Speaker:outside world can only ever be interpreted in a way that makes you look
Speaker:inferior.
Speaker:Most of us have never considered that low self-esteem can distort
Speaker:communication,
Speaker:but really,
Speaker:if low self-esteem is the inability to hear a message that paints us in a good
Speaker:light,
Speaker:then that’s precisely what it does!
Speaker:Instead,
Speaker:practice compassion—for self and others.
Speaker:Really good conversation is supremely democratic.
Speaker:There are no winners and losers and no hierarchy.
Speaker:Take a deep breath and put yourself on an even keel with the other person.
Speaker:Try to shelve any ideas about who is playing what role,
Speaker:and compassionately encounter the person you find as you find them—your equal.
Speaker:Fear.
Speaker:Aggression impedes communication because it puts the other person on the
Speaker:defensive.
Speaker:But if that person is already on the defensive,
Speaker:the conversation is already impacted.
Speaker:Defensiveness is essentially putting up a wall.
Speaker:Trying to communicate through a wall is not easy,
Speaker:and it usually results in one thing - confusion and serious misunderstanding.
Speaker:This is sometimes why fear and aggression can lead to communication breakdown;
Speaker:the more walls that are put up,
Speaker:the harder it is to hear one another,
Speaker:and in the confusion,
Speaker:more fear and anger are created,
Speaker:necessitating even more walls ... A person who is fearful is not listening.
Speaker:They are not curious.
Speaker:They are not focusing on anything other than their own self-preservation,
Speaker:and this makes them a bad conversationalist on the most fundamental level.
Speaker:Have you noticed how,
Speaker:after watching a horror movie,
Speaker:the bedroom that seemed perfectly innocent yesterday now seems riddled with
Speaker:potentially frightening nooks and crannies? Fear. can make us see things that
Speaker:aren’t there and,
Speaker:in communication,
Speaker:can make us detect threats where there aren’t any.
Speaker:Naturally,
Speaker:real connection will be stunted.
Speaker:Instead,
Speaker:relax and be curious.
Speaker:One way to do this is simple - ask an open-ended question.
Speaker:You don’t have to lower your walls entirely,
Speaker:but at least be curious about what’s on the other side!
Speaker:Inflexibility And Need For Control.
Speaker:When you get together with someone and have a conversation,
Speaker:anything can happen.
Speaker:The thread of the talk can go in any direction,
Speaker:and at any one moment,
Speaker:the words either person says could steer the thing in a completely novel and
Speaker:unexpected direction.
Speaker:And this is a good thing!
Speaker:When two people get together to communicate,
Speaker:there is a chance for them to co-create something that is bigger than the sum
Speaker:of both of them.
Speaker:But,
Speaker:this can only happen if both parties are willing to relinquish a little control
Speaker:and let the conversation flow as it will.
Speaker:Being inflexible,
Speaker:closed-minded,
Speaker:or hungry for control mean that we enter any discussion with a fixed idea of
Speaker:what it should be ...therefore preventing it from becoming anything else.
Speaker:This shuts us off from listening,
Speaker:from learning,
Speaker:and from responding spontaneously in the moment as it unfolds.
Speaker:It also makes us very boring and predictable!
Speaker:Instead,
Speaker:be willing to be surprised.
Speaker:Let the other person lead,
Speaker:and be genuinely open to the idea that they may steer the conversation in a way
Speaker:you did not expect or prepare for.
Speaker:Everyone has something to teach you.
Speaker:Judgment And Premature Evaluation.
Speaker:Have you ever found yourself rushing in a conversation?
Speaker:You hear someone talking,
Speaker:but internally,
Speaker:you think,
Speaker:“Yes,
Speaker:yes,
Speaker:I’ve heard that ...” and you subtly try to move them along.
Speaker:Why?
Speaker:Sometimes,
Speaker:this kind of haste signals that we have been too quick to come to conclusions
Speaker:about what we’re being told.
Speaker:As with making assumptions,
Speaker:we think we already understand everything there is to understand and no longer
Speaker:need to engage.
Speaker:As we dig deeper,
Speaker:this sometimes tells us that we have prematurely gone into judgment mode before
Speaker:really hearing the other person.
Speaker:We all have preconceived notions in our heads.
Speaker:When someone talks,
Speaker:we might flit through our catalogue of notions and see which ones match
Speaker:closest—then grab ahold of that and stop listening to what the unique person
Speaker:in front of us is saying.
Speaker:Judgment—even “positive” judgments,
Speaker:kill what is real and nuanced in the present moment.
Speaker:We fail to see the other person and their message and instead substitute it
Speaker:with our idea of who they are and what they’re saying.
Speaker:This is the root of prejudice and bias.
Speaker:If we are interacting with two-dimensional stereotypes of people and not real
Speaker:people,
Speaker:then our communication is always going to be lacking.
Speaker:Instead,
Speaker:cultivate wonder.
Speaker:This may be the hardest mindset shift of all,
Speaker:but to become a genuinely good communicator,
Speaker:you need to maintain a sense not just of curiosity or interest in another
Speaker:person,
Speaker:but of near-continuous awe at what a privilege it really is to step outside
Speaker:your own head for a moment and step into someone else’s.
Speaker:In the remainder of this book,
Speaker:we will take as a starting point the value that communication is a way to
Speaker:create connection.
Speaker:We label anything that gets in the way of this connection as a “psychological
Speaker:barrier” and work to remove it.
Speaker:Are there other barriers than the ones listed above?
Speaker:Definitely.
Speaker:We can point to an attitude of distraction and inattention,
Speaker:lack of trust,
Speaker:cross-cultural limitations,
Speaker:and even exhaustion as things that prevent people from properly connecting.
Speaker:Whatever they are,
Speaker:though,
Speaker:with self-awareness and practice,
Speaker:we can work to lessen their impact on us.
Speaker:Other Bad Communication Habits To Avoid.
Speaker:Maybe you read the previous descriptions of barriers to communication and
Speaker:thought it all sounded a little serious.
Speaker:Perhaps you are simply looking for ways to improve everyday conversation,
Speaker:and not necessarily become a master at juggling the deep and meaningful stuff.
Speaker:However,
Speaker:even if you are on the whole a flexible,
Speaker:open-minded,
Speaker:and non-judgmental communicator,
Speaker:you may still fall into the common habitual conversational traps that plague
Speaker:the best of us.
Speaker:That’s because the biggest barrier to excellent communication is all those
Speaker:small,
Speaker:mindless,
Speaker:and automatic acts that erode trust and connection.
Speaker:Granted,
Speaker:these conversational habits don’t mean that you have psychological issues
Speaker:with prejudice or a deep-seated need for control.
Speaker:But in a way,
Speaker:knee-jerk habits like these are worse because they are usually invisible,
Speaker:unconscious,
Speaker:and may even be encouraged by your general environment.
Speaker:Before we take an earnest look at what we should be doing to become better
Speaker:communicators,
Speaker:let’s explore a few more things not to do.
Speaker:Human life is largely comprised of conversations.
Speaker:Every relationship,
Speaker:every human interaction,
Speaker:every job,
Speaker:everything at some point requires you to encounter and engage with another
Speaker:human being.
Speaker:And whether you fancy yourself a world-class communicator or would sooner send
Speaker:an email than deal with face-to-face discussion,
Speaker:chances are you have at least a few terrible communication habits that drive
Speaker:people nuts.
Speaker:Yes,
Speaker:even you!
Speaker:No,
Speaker:the following habits won’t cause major blowouts or serious miscommunication,
Speaker:and they’re not the end of the world ...but they’re good low-hanging fruit
Speaker:to begin with as we embark on sharpening our communication skills.
Speaker:Constantly Interrupting.
Speaker:Maybe you interrupt because you’re so excited by what the other person just
Speaker:said,
Speaker:you simply have to interject and say your thing.
Speaker:Maybe you interrupt because unconsciously,
Speaker:you think that what you have to say is more urgent or more important.
Speaker:Maybe,
Speaker:you’re doing it because you’re rushing the conversation along,
Speaker:having already jumped to conclusions about what the other person means and made
Speaker:your judgments about it.
Speaker:In any case,
Speaker:it doesn’t matter why you do it—only that it makes the other person feel
Speaker:awful.
Speaker:It’s understandable—you want to be heard.
Speaker:But so do they!
Speaker:Take it a step further and don’t even think about interrupting.
Speaker:You know what this means—when you are suddenly more interested in your own
Speaker:response to what’s being said than listening to what’s being said,
Speaker:it shows.
Speaker:The other person can tell that your attention has suddenly moved inward and you
Speaker:are preparing a response.
Speaker:A good habit is this - After someone stops speaking,
Speaker:pause and count slowly to three in your head.
Speaker:This sends the message,
Speaker:“I’m here,
Speaker:I’m paying attention,
Speaker:and I care about what you have to say,” and lets the other person know they
Speaker:don’t have to rush to get a word in,
Speaker:and that you are respectful enough to pause to process what they’re saying.
Speaker:Multitasking.
Speaker:A conversation merits more than the few glances you can muster when you finally
Speaker:tear your eyes away from your iPhone.
Speaker:We are probably all guilty of the practice of multitasking at least
Speaker:occasionally.
Speaker:No matter how insignificant or pointless your interactions may appear,
Speaker:you must be there for them.
Speaker:In other words,
Speaker:you can't mindlessly check your phone or run through your grocery list.
Speaker:Pay close attention to the people you're talking to.
Speaker:Using Qualifiers.
Speaker:“Not to be rude or offensive,
Speaker:but ...” “This could be a horrible idea,
Speaker:but ...” “I know what you're thinking,
Speaker:but ...” Qualifiers,
Speaker:i.e.,
Speaker:little expressions said before or after a statement with the intention of
Speaker:softening or mitigating that statement,
Speaker:certainly have their place.
Speaker:Overusing them,
Speaker:though,
Speaker:can be pretty annoying.
Speaker:Why?
Speaker:In the right circumstances,
Speaker:they can come across as condescending and unneeded.
Speaker:Remember the manipulative communication style?
Speaker:Nobody wants to feel like they are being managed or handled.
Speaker:If you go to great lengths to use qualifiers,
Speaker:it may stir up feelings of mistrust in your listener,
Speaker:who could wonder why you’re not just being direct.
Speaker:Remind yourself that the world “but” is kind of magical—people tend to
Speaker:discount everything that came before that word!
Speaker:It’s yet another barrier,
Speaker:albeit one that is mostly just annoying.
Speaker:Equating Your Experiences.
Speaker:In Chapter 4,
Speaker:we’ll look more closely at mastering the emotional aspects of effective
Speaker:communication,
Speaker:but for now,
Speaker:it’s enough to banish this single meaningless phrase from your repertoire -
Speaker:“I know exactly how you feel!"
Speaker:It’s even worse if you then proceed to tell a lengthy story about a time when
Speaker:you felt similarly despite the fact that the two situations are completely
Speaker:dissimilar.
Speaker:Keep in mind that every person’s journey is unique.
Speaker:It’s good that you’re making an effort to be empathetic.
Speaker:But think about it from the other side.
Speaker:Has hearing about someone else’s hard time ever made you feel less unhappy
Speaker:about your own troubles?
Speaker:Probably not.
Speaker:Whether you can understand another person’s experiences or not is irrelevant.
Speaker:Almost always it will not feel good for them to hear it.
Speaker:Floundering.
Speaker:We’ve all encountered people who ramble on without a point as though they
Speaker:like the sound of their own voices.
Speaker:If you have a tendency to do this yourself,
Speaker:constantly try to remember how mind-numbing it is to be on the receiving end!
Speaker:Floundering. and waffling on and on is usually a bad habit we get into when
Speaker:we’re nervous or unconsciously afraid that something bad will happen unless
Speaker:we keep performing and filling the silence.
Speaker:But like every other poor communication strategy listed here,
Speaker:it doesn’t work - The more we talk,
Speaker:the less people listen.
Speaker:Think carefully,
Speaker:say what you need to say,
Speaker:and be straightforward and succinct when you talk.
Speaker:Have faith that you’ve been heard,
Speaker:and if you haven’t let it go,
Speaker:because it’s likely that you would not have convinced anyone to care or
Speaker:understand simply by going on ad nauseum.
Speaker:Waiting Instead Of Listening.
Speaker:Everyone knows they should be a good listener.
Speaker:To be honest,
Speaker:most of us are better at acting the role of good listener than actually being
Speaker:one!
Speaker:Rather than listening with all our attention to what we’re told,
Speaker:we are really just waiting our turn.
Speaker:Worse,
Speaker:we might be listening with an agenda—discarding what doesn’t fit the
Speaker:agenda,
Speaker:hearing what we like,
Speaker:and spending the next few minutes drafting a witty response ...just as soon as
Speaker:the other person stops talking.
Speaker:If this is a bad habit to break,
Speaker:remind yourself of the fact that people can usually tell when you’re not
Speaker:listening.
Speaker:It’s not easy to hide,
Speaker:and it makes you appear selfish,
Speaker:disinterested,
Speaker:and unkind.
Speaker:Fluff and Filler Words.
Speaker:Padding out your speech with filler words may be more or less acceptable
Speaker:depending on your age,
Speaker:culture,
Speaker:and social situation,
Speaker:but it’s almost always better to avoid it entirely.
Speaker:Filler words are things like um,
Speaker:ah,
Speaker:okay,
Speaker:like,
Speaker:you know,
Speaker:you see,
Speaker:uhh,
Speaker:right,
Speaker:kinda,
Speaker:so,
Speaker:actually,
Speaker:err,
Speaker:hmm,
Speaker:and so on.
Speaker:You may in fact have your own personal verbal tic—for example,
Speaker:some people have a strange habit of ending every sentence with a dangling “so
Speaker:...” that doesn’t go anywhere.
Speaker:Others will liberally sprinkle “like” or “um” everywhere.
Speaker:Still,
Speaker:others will have overused turns of phrase that add nothing at all to the
Speaker:message—for example,
Speaker:the woman who ends every simple phrase with,
Speaker:“if that makes sense?” or the guy who cannot open his mouth without saying,
Speaker:“yeah,
Speaker:well."
Speaker:Try this challenge for yourself - Once you’ve identified your own pet filler
Speaker:words,
Speaker:try to consciously replace them with plain old silence.
Speaker:Just say nothing and pause until you can say something that isn’t a filler
Speaker:word.
Speaker:If you can be mindful enough to do this in the moment,
Speaker:you may be surprised at just how polished and put together you come across.
Speaker:You don’t have to say anything profound—just remove the filler words and
Speaker:you automatically seem more self-assured,
Speaker:authoritative,
Speaker:and sophisticated (note,
Speaker:of course,
Speaker:that if you deliberately don’t want to appear that way,
Speaker:then ignore this advice!).
Speaker:So interrupting,
Speaker:being distracted,
Speaker:trying to make every conversation about you ...all these smaller
Speaker:conversation-killing habits are actually expressions of one deeper,
Speaker:bigger problem - conversational narcissism.
Speaker:We are all guilty of this to some extent.
Speaker:A conversation is about two people.
Speaker:Even beyond that,
Speaker:a good conversation is one where both people have actively participated,
Speaker:and both have connected with one another.
Speaker:That simply means that to the extent you are focusing only on yourself,
Speaker:the conversation will be lacking somehow.
Speaker:The more you can focus on the other person,
Speaker:the better the conversation will be.
Speaker:This realization seems pretty obvious on the face of it,
Speaker:yet look around and you will notice that almost all cases of miscommunication
Speaker:or failed connection come from,
Speaker:in one way or another,
Speaker:conversational narcissism.
Speaker:Whether the obstacles are psychological,
Speaker:behavioral,
Speaker:or just bad habits we’ve fallen into,
Speaker:if they put us at the center and cause us to forget the other person and their
Speaker:perspective,
Speaker:then our communication will never be everything it has the potential to be.
Speaker:The Rapport Game.
Speaker:Imagine you are sitting across the street from a café and watching three
Speaker:tables,
Speaker:each with two people having a conversation.
Speaker:At Table A,
Speaker:both people are leaning in together,
Speaker:seemingly mimicking one another’s facial expressions and hand gestures,
Speaker:while at Table B,
Speaker:the people talking are looking very serious and low energy,
Speaker:but they’ve both leaned back in their chairs and,
Speaker:just like Table A,
Speaker:seem to be mirroring one another’s behavior.
Speaker:Table C is different—one person is seemingly excited and smiling,
Speaker:while the other is calmer,
Speaker:speaking less,
Speaker:and adopting a completely different posture and facial expression.
Speaker:Without knowing anything about the content of the conversation,
Speaker:you can probably tell even from afar which conversations are going well and
Speaker:which one isn’t!
Speaker:That’s because at its most fundamental,
Speaker:good communication is NOT about the words you say but the degree of
Speaker:concordance,
Speaker:harmony,
Speaker:and synchronicity between you and the person you’re talking to.
Speaker:So,
Speaker:this is exactly our next pitstop on our journey to becoming better
Speaker:communicators.
Speaker:Mirroring And Matching.
Speaker:Have you ever actually wondered what “chemistry” is?
Speaker:That fizzle of energy and connection between two people is something that’s
Speaker:difficult to describe,
Speaker:but you definitely know it when you feel it!
Speaker:However mysterious it feels,
Speaker:this chemistry is actually well-explained as an evolutionary adaptation that
Speaker:has helped our species bond,
Speaker:connect,
Speaker:and establish trust ...even before we developed verbal language.
Speaker:Mirroring and matching don’t need much explanation—you’ve seen it with
Speaker:your own eyes!
Speaker:When we match and mirror,
Speaker:we mimic not just what others say but how they say it,
Speaker:the words they use,
Speaker:their accents,
Speaker:turns of phrase,
Speaker:gestures,
Speaker:posture,
Speaker:voice tone,
Speaker:pitch and volume,
Speaker:and facial expressions.
Speaker:Here’s the thing - We all instinctively know how to mirror and match;
Speaker:it’s just that the more charismatic among us know how to do it deliberately.
Speaker:In the 1970s,
Speaker:Richard Bandler and John Grinder introduced a communication theory they called
Speaker:Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP).
Speaker:They claimed that most people tend to feel happier and more comfortable around
Speaker:those who are similar to them—even if this recognition of similarity is
Speaker:largely unconscious.
Speaker:Have you ever noticed two people get together for the first time and
Speaker:immediately start to look for things in common between them?
Speaker:They may smile as they both realize they grew up in the same area or liked the
Speaker:same shows when they were kids,
Speaker:or both indirectly know the same people.
Speaker:As they do this,
Speaker:they may start to reflect and mimic one another,
Speaker:matching the other’s tone of voice,
Speaker:hand movements,
Speaker:and other idiosyncrasies.
Speaker:It’s as though the more similar we feel to the person in front of us,
Speaker:the more we feel that they can hear and understand us,
Speaker:and the more we trust and like them.
Speaker:Mirroring is copying and reflecting a behavior in the same moment.
Speaker:So they smile,
Speaker:and you smile.
Speaker:They whisper,
Speaker:and so do you.
Speaker:Done right,
Speaker:it creates feelings of harmony and synchrony—like you’re both doing a
Speaker:coordinated dance in time with one another.
Speaker:Matching is copying and reflecting,
Speaker:but not necessarily at the same time.
Speaker:So perhaps they use an unusual and noteworthy turn of phrase,
Speaker:which you remember and return to later in the conversation (almost literally
Speaker:communicating,
Speaker:“I speak the same language as you!”).
Speaker:The wonderful thing is that mirroring and matching can create strong feelings
Speaker:of harmony and connection even without you saying a word.
Speaker:It’s difficult to estimate just how much communication is nonverbal,
Speaker:but it’s clear that the proportion is significant.
Speaker:Whether you’re meeting someone new,
Speaker:talking to an old friend,
Speaker:or trying to navigate a prickly conflict,
Speaker:matching and mirroring is a great skill to master since it always gives you a
Speaker:solid base on which to build.
Speaker:There are three main ways to build rapport by using matching and mirroring.
Speaker:Way 1 - Match and Mirror External Communication Cues Body language and
Speaker:nonverbal communication are prior to verbal communication.
Speaker:If you adopt the same posture as the person in front of you,
Speaker:you duplicate their experience in your own body and can understand more about
Speaker:their position—literally!
Speaker:You also communicate that you’re on the same wavelength and will create
Speaker:feelings of being in sync.
Speaker:In conversation,
Speaker:simply notice how “open” or “closed” body language as a whole seems.
Speaker:Look for tension (crossed arms,
Speaker:hunched posture,
Speaker:closed fists,
Speaker:frowning)
Speaker:or relaxation (open arms,
Speaker:expressive hands,
Speaker:legs uncrossed).
Speaker:Without aping them very obviously,
Speaker:try to match this degree of openness/closedness.
Speaker:Next,
Speaker:notice gestures,
Speaker:i.e.,
Speaker:body postures in motion.
Speaker:Are they moving quickly or slowly?
Speaker:Are they graceful and flowing or sharp and staccato?
Speaker:Wide and expansive?
Speaker:Fidgety?
Speaker:Protective?
Speaker:Restrained?
Speaker:How do the gestures line up with everything else in the conversation?
Speaker:Match and mirror this.
Speaker:You could also match and mirror facial expressions—in fact,
Speaker:you might find you do this automatically just by paying close attention to the
Speaker:other person!
Speaker:You could focus on just one most notable aspect—for example,
Speaker:the eyebrows or corners of the mouth.
Speaker:Again,
Speaker:see if you can match the position,
Speaker:movement,
Speaker:and degree of openness or closedness here,
Speaker:especially at points in the conversation when emotional content is being
Speaker:communicated.
Speaker:You could say,
Speaker:“I know how you feel,” but when your facial expression matches theirs,
Speaker:you are doing something more powerful—you are showing that you understand
Speaker:what they mean.
Speaker:Way 2 - Match and Mirror Voice and Language This is a rich area to tap!
Speaker:Consider all the aspects of the voice that have nothing to do with the words
Speaker:used -
Speaker:•Tone
Speaker:•Rate (speed)
Speaker:1054 00:52:26,320 --> 00:52:34,520 •Volume (both loudness and simply the amount of speech)
Speaker:1056 00:52:34,520 --> 00:52:36,280 •Pitch (how high or low)
Speaker:1058 00:52:36,280 --> 00:52:37,080 •Pace,
Speaker:inflection,
Speaker:and modulation (how you deliver your sentences and the flow of speech—for
Speaker:example,
Speaker:with lots of variation or with a steady,
Speaker:even monotone)
Speaker:You can match and mirror on any of the above five aspects—or potentially all
Speaker:of them.
Speaker:The key,
Speaker:however,
Speaker:is to do this subtly and naturally.
Speaker:For example,
Speaker:if the person you’re speaking to is talking quickly (fast rate),
Speaker:speaking quite loudly (high volume)
Speaker:and in a high pitch,
Speaker:and talking with an excitable and highly inflected tone,
Speaker:then you can signal your empathy and understanding of their frame of mind by
Speaker:mimicking some of this yourself.
Speaker:You could subtly raise your own pitch,
Speaker:talk a little louder than you ordinarily would,
Speaker:and mirror that excitement back at them.
Speaker:Overall,
Speaker:you are attempting to match the energy of what they’re communicating.
Speaker:Just remember that the voice is a part of the body,
Speaker:and so every aspect of the voice is essentially body language.
Speaker:One thing you might not have considered is what communication experts call
Speaker:sensory predicates.
Speaker:Basically,
Speaker:these are systems of meaning that we use to explain our experiences.
Speaker:We each have a system whether we’re aware of it or not,
Speaker:i.e.,
Speaker:we might favor descriptions and explanations that are
Speaker:•Visual
Speaker:•Auditory
Speaker:•Kinesthetic
Speaker:•Feeling
Speaker:•Auditory Digital A few examples will show how sensory predicates play out in
Speaker:real life.
Speaker:A visual predicate,
Speaker:for example,
Speaker:uses language,
Speaker:symbolism,
Speaker:and metaphors that are based in the physiology of sight.
Speaker:So,
Speaker:you might pepper your speech with terms like picture this,
Speaker:look,
Speaker:view,
Speaker:bright,
Speaker:reveal,
Speaker:short-sighted,
Speaker:paint a picture,
Speaker:I can see,
Speaker:clear,
Speaker:dim,
Speaker:etc.
Speaker:Similarly,
Speaker:more auditory (to do with sound)
Speaker:predicates will include phrases like listen,
Speaker:tell,
Speaker:clear as a bell,
Speaker:on the same frequency,
Speaker:lend me your ears,
Speaker:strike a note,
Speaker:loud and clear,
Speaker:etc.
Speaker:Kinesthetic and feeling predicates may overlap somewhat and mix both meanings
Speaker:of the word “feel”—for example,
Speaker:I’m touched,
Speaker:concrete,
Speaker:solid,
Speaker:hot and bothered,
Speaker:get in touch,
Speaker:handhold,
Speaker:grasp,
Speaker:make contact,
Speaker:etc.
Speaker:So-called auditory digital predicates are more focused on the cognitive
Speaker:experience of the world—for example,
Speaker:with terms like understand,
Speaker:know,
Speaker:think,
Speaker:process,
Speaker:figure it out,
Speaker:pay attention,
Speaker:wonder,
Speaker:etc.
Speaker:The point of understanding the predicates someone uses is so that you can match
Speaker:and mirror these,
Speaker:too.
Speaker:The result can be an instant connection and feeling of rapport.
Speaker:For example,
Speaker:if someone consistently uses visual predicates,
Speaker:they may say,
Speaker:“I like the look of this idea.
Speaker:You’ve painted such a clear picture of the most important goals."
Speaker:If you pick up on this,
Speaker:you can continue and expand the visual metaphors,
Speaker:or include your own by later saying something like,
Speaker:“I see what you mean!
Speaker:I’m glad we’re focusing on the same vision here."
Speaker:Now,
Speaker:this might not seem like much,
Speaker:but it’s a powerful way to unconsciously signal that you speak the same
Speaker:language and,
Speaker:even more than this,
Speaker:inhabit the same perceptual world as the other person.
Speaker:If you’re not entirely clear which kind of predicate the person is using,
Speaker:it’s no big deal—simply prick your ears (there’s an auditory one!)
Speaker:to the kinds of metaphors they use,
Speaker:and repeat or expand on them rather than abruptly switching to a different
Speaker:metaphor.
Speaker:Way 3 - Match and Mirror Internal Communication Cues This one is a little less
Speaker:obvious.
Speaker:The voice and the body may be easier to notice at first glance,
Speaker:but have you ever simply felt that people have different energy levels from
Speaker:each other?
Speaker:This “energy” is about how active,
Speaker:energetic,
Speaker:and vibrant someone is,
Speaker:yes,
Speaker:but it can also be more subtle than this.
Speaker:Think of someone who is really good at doing impressions.
Speaker:They are able to so perfectly capture another person’s personality not just
Speaker:because they can mimic their voice and mannerisms,
Speaker:but also because somehow,
Speaker:they can put all these things together and portray the person’s deeper
Speaker:essence.
Speaker:Noticing this essence takes practice,
Speaker:but at first,
Speaker:try to simply pay attention to how people are taking up space,
Speaker:how they’re breathing,
Speaker:and the aggregate of all their expressions (language,
Speaker:posture,
Speaker:appearance)
Speaker:comes across.
Speaker:Reflecting someone’s essence may take a special touch,
Speaker:but you’d be surprised at how instantly you can create camaraderie if you can
Speaker:do so.
Speaker:If ever you’re with someone and you just “click,” try to see things from
Speaker:the other side and ask what the other person did to make you feel that
Speaker:communication and connection were so easy with them.
Speaker:Chances are it’s mirroring!
Speaker:Here’s a little trick you can try not just to build rapport,
Speaker:but to test whether you are getting anywhere in that goal - Step 1 - Pay
Speaker:attention to their internal or external communication cues,
Speaker:or their voice or language.
Speaker:Step 2 - Match or mirror subtly on just one or two aspects.
Speaker:Step 3 - After a little while,
Speaker:match them on some other aspect.
Speaker:Step 4 - Finally,
Speaker:do something different.
Speaker:For example,
Speaker:if you’ve been mirroring a low and slow tone of voice,
Speaker:plus crossed legs,
Speaker:suddenly change up your voice and speak louder and more quickly,
Speaker:or uncross your legs and cross your arms instead.
Speaker:Step 5 - Now,
Speaker:observe.
Speaker:Do they follow suit and mirror you?
Speaker:If so,
Speaker:congratulations—you’ve likely established rapport!
Speaker:If not,
Speaker:no problem.
Speaker:There’s still time.
Speaker:As you get better at matching and mirroring (and conversation in general),
Speaker:you can start experimenting with leading interactions with certain behaviors
Speaker:rather than just following the other person’s lead.
Speaker:This way,
Speaker:you can take charge of conversations and shape them in a positive direction,
Speaker:fostering connection and understanding—usually without the other person even
Speaker:knowing it!
Speaker:Here’s another trick you can try once you get the hang of reading other
Speaker:people’s communication cues - Step 1 - Think of someone you have an excellent
Speaker:rapport with and try to feel what it feels like when you’re around that
Speaker:person.
Speaker:Really recreate that experience in your body,
Speaker:heart,
Speaker:and mind.
Speaker:Step 2 - Consciously try to summon up that same feeling in yourself right now,
Speaker:imagining it expanding through your body.
Speaker:For example,
Speaker:maybe with a very good friend,
Speaker:you feel expansive,
Speaker:you’re quick to smile,
Speaker:and you lean forward ever so slightly.
Speaker:Maybe you feel ultra-relaxed and “warm."
Speaker:Whatever the sensation is,
Speaker:imagine that it’s surrounding you like an aura.
Speaker:Then,
Speaker:let it guide how you behave,
Speaker:think,
Speaker:feel,
Speaker:and move in the moment.
Speaker:Step 3 - Project the feeling toward the person you’re with and imagine that
Speaker:this amazing aura is flowing around them,
Speaker:too.
Speaker:This technique is taking a reverse perspective on mirroring,
Speaker:since you are the one who is “going first” and inviting others to mirror
Speaker:and match you—if you master those good,
Speaker:happy vibes,
Speaker:don’t be surprised if people suddenly seem very willing to be drawn in!
Speaker:Way 4 - Match on Content Basically,
Speaker:seek common ground.
Speaker:If people like people who are like them,
Speaker:then rapport is in some ways just a matter of finding how you’re like the
Speaker:person in front of you.
Speaker:Potential areas of common ground include -
Speaker:•Your history and background,
Speaker:such as school,
Speaker:hometown,
Speaker:past jobs,
Speaker:shared connections
Speaker:•Personal values,
Speaker:such as family,
Speaker:hard work,
Speaker:creativity,
Speaker:learning,
Speaker:etc.
Speaker:•Core beliefs about the world
Speaker:•Emotional state,
Speaker:both current and more generally in life
Speaker:•Style
Speaker:•Accent,
Speaker:ways of speaking,
Speaker:and verbal idiosyncrasies
Speaker:•Hobbies
Speaker:•Shared experiences
Speaker:•Degree of formality (for example,
Speaker:do they use slang and swear words?
Speaker:Or are they very correct,
Speaker:polite,
Speaker:and articulate?),
Speaker:convention,
Speaker:class,
Speaker:age,
Speaker:or generation
Speaker:•Personality differences (for example,
Speaker:some people bond over being flippant,
Speaker:quirky,
Speaker:serious-minded,
Speaker:poetic,
Speaker:spiritually inclined,
Speaker:straightlaced,
Speaker:mischievous,
Speaker:etc.,
Speaker:but people can also differ in their focus on the bigger picture versus the
Speaker:details,
Speaker:the emotional versus the factual content of a conversation,
Speaker:or the overall volume of information they’re comfortable exchanging)
Speaker:Way 5 - Chunking One final way to establish effortless rapport is something
Speaker:you might not have considered before - carefully moderating the questions you
Speaker:ask people to control the level of detail of information you get.
Speaker:There are two different modes we can adopt any time we ask someone a question.
Speaker:Chunking down is about diving down into details and going from the general to
Speaker:the specific.
Speaker:Questions that chunk down give more color,
Speaker:depth,
Speaker:and richness to the conversation;
Speaker:however,
Speaker:if you stay too long mired in the details,
Speaker:the conversation can quickly get lost,
Speaker:overwhelmed,
Speaker:or even boring.
Speaker:We ask a chunking-down question every time we want to learn more,
Speaker:and when we do so,
Speaker:we build rapport since we are showing interest in the real nitty-gritty of what
Speaker:we’re told.
Speaker:For example,
Speaker:we could ask,
Speaker:“How exactly did that happen?"
Speaker:“Tell me more about XYZ ...” “Why did this specific thing happen?"
Speaker:Chunking up goes in the other direction,
Speaker:from the specific to the general.
Speaker:We ask a question that leads us to see the bigger picture and overarching
Speaker:patterns in the broader view—i.e.,
Speaker:a model that fits all the smaller details inside it.
Speaker:When we ask questions in this mode,
Speaker:we are showing that we are paying attention and processing and synthesizing
Speaker:what we’re told,
Speaker:which is a different way to build rapport.
Speaker:For example,
Speaker:we could ask “How does this tie into this other idea we spoke about,
Speaker:XYZ ...?"
Speaker:“What do all of these details mean?"
Speaker:“What’s the pattern here?"
Speaker:“What does this thing connect to?"
Speaker:During conversations,
Speaker:it’s not really a matter of which question mode is “best” but rather
Speaker:keeping things varied.
Speaker:Imagine you are zooming in and out,
Speaker:first drilling down to learn more about the most interesting details,
Speaker:then coming up for air and getting a broader view.
Speaker:Not only will such a conversation feel like it flows more naturally and
Speaker:enjoyably,
Speaker:your dynamic interest in what you’re being told will create a sense of
Speaker:rapport with the other person.
Speaker:At the very least,
Speaker:simply avoid being in one mode for too long.
Speaker:So,
Speaker:for example,
Speaker:if you notice that you’ve asked five chunking-up questions in a row,
Speaker:be aware that you may be alienating the other person in overly abstract or
Speaker:aloof hypotheticals.
Speaker:Create balance by asking a detailed question,
Speaker:which will bring in some immediacy and intimacy.
Speaker:Similarly,
Speaker:if you notice the conversation is feeling a little mired in one detail after
Speaker:another (for example,
Speaker:those conversations where people lose a narrative thread because they dwell too
Speaker:long on the minute but insignificant details of who said what and when ...)
Speaker:then pause,
Speaker:zoom out,
Speaker:and get a broader view of where you are.
Speaker:You might say something like,
Speaker:“So all in all,
Speaker:it seems like yesterday was a pretty crazy day,
Speaker:huh!"
Speaker:Expressing Without Speaking.
Speaker:How do you “read” people’s nonverbal communication?
Speaker:Words are not the only things that carry meaning.
Speaker:Appearance,
Speaker:objects,
Speaker:sound,
Speaker:fragrance,
Speaker:and even space all have socially shared significance.
Speaker:Communication,
Speaker:therefore,
Speaker:includes expressions of the entire body,
Speaker:movement,
Speaker:gesture,
Speaker:physical orientation,
Speaker:and a range of “paralinguistic” cues already discussed,
Speaker:such as voice pitch,
Speaker:volume,
Speaker:and intonation.
Speaker:Proximity,
Speaker:color,
Speaker:even time—almost anything can serve as a carrier of meaning and therefore be
Speaker:used in human communication.
Speaker:How To Read Microexpressions.
Speaker:A microexpression is a quick (just 0.5 to 4 seconds)
Speaker:and involuntary facial expression produced when experiencing an emotion.
Speaker:Microexpressions are genuine,
Speaker:meaning they cannot be faked or concealed,
Speaker:and this makes them an ideal behavior to observe when with other people.
Speaker:The reasoning is that if you can accurately understand the emotional state of
Speaker:the person in front of you,
Speaker:communication automatically becomes easier,
Speaker:more direct,
Speaker:and more real.
Speaker:It's possible that you are already able to read microexpressions,
Speaker:but do so unconsciously.
Speaker:Have you ever spoken to someone and,
Speaker:even though they said all the right things and appeared to be smiling,
Speaker:you still got a gut feeling that they were upset?
Speaker:You might have come to this conclusion because your unconscious mind noticed
Speaker:the genuine microexpression of anger and knew that this revealed the true
Speaker:feeling.
Speaker:What we might do unconsciously can be done with more deliberation and practice.
Speaker:Basically,
Speaker:the seven primary human emotions come from universal physiological responses to
Speaker:the environment.
Speaker:Microexpressions are quicker,
Speaker:more subtle versions of the more obvious “macroexpressions” you’re
Speaker:already familiar with.
Speaker:As you read the following descriptions,
Speaker:try to mirror and match them,
Speaker:and see how quickly you start to feel the emotion they represent!
Speaker:Surprise.
Speaker:•Raised and curved eyebrows.
Speaker:•Stretched skin below the brow.
Speaker:•Horizontal wrinkles across the forehead.
Speaker:•Eyelids open,
Speaker:with the white of the eye showing all around the iris.
Speaker:•Jaw open and teeth parted,
Speaker:but without tension in the mouth.
Speaker:Fear.
Speaker:•Eyebrows raised and knotted together.
Speaker:•Forehead wrinkled in the center and not straight across.
Speaker:•Upper eyelid raised,
Speaker:with lower lid also tense and drawn up.
Speaker:•Eyes show white above the iris,
Speaker:but not below it.
Speaker:•Mouth open,
Speaker:with lips slightly tense or stretched back.
Speaker:Disgust.
Speaker:•Eyes narrowed.
Speaker:•Upper lip lifted.
Speaker:•Upper teeth potentially exposed.
Speaker:•Nose wrinkled.
Speaker:•Cheeks raised.
Speaker:Anger.
Speaker:•Eyebrows lowered and pulled together.
Speaker:•Vertical lines between the eyebrows.
Speaker:•Lower lip tightened.
Speaker:•Eyes staring or bulging.
Speaker:•Lips can be pursed,
Speaker:corners down,
Speaker:or in a square shape,
Speaker:as if shouting.
Speaker:•Nostrils may be widened.
Speaker:•Lower jaw juts forward.
Speaker:Happiness.
Speaker:•Corners of the lips pulled back and up.
Speaker:•Mouth may or may not be parted,
Speaker:teeth shown.
Speaker:•A wrinkle appears from outer nose to outer lip.
Speaker:•Cheeks raised.
Speaker:•Lower eyelid may wrinkle or tighten a little.
Speaker:•Crow’s feet appear at the corners of the eyes.
Speaker:Sadness.
Speaker:•Inner corners of eyebrows drawn in and up.
Speaker:•Corner of the lips drawn down.
Speaker:•Jaw comes up.
Speaker:•Lower lip pouts.
Speaker:Contempt / Hate
Speaker:•Fairly neutral expression.
Speaker:•One side of the mouth raised.
Speaker:Noticing microexpressions is only the beginning.
Speaker:What do you do with your observations?
Speaker:There are two possibilities - 1.
Speaker:The microexpression aligns with what is being said,
Speaker:in which case there is additional information and body language to add
Speaker:dimension to what is being communicated to you.
Speaker:2.
Speaker:Or,
Speaker:the microexpression in fact contradicts what is being said.
Speaker:In this case,
Speaker:you can assume that the person is concealing something (or flat out deceiving
Speaker:you or themselves),
Speaker:or else they are conflicted and wearing a kind of mask.
Speaker:But again,
Speaker:this simply adds more data to your reading of them.
Speaker:Posture And Body Orientation.
Speaker:People's postures can reveal a great deal about them.
Speaker:Have you ever failed to comprehend what the other person was truly thinking
Speaker:when you were texting them and,
Speaker:as a result,
Speaker:had an awkward misunderstanding?
Speaker:This probably happened because an important channel of information was closed
Speaker:off to you both—the nonverbal body-language cues that would have allowed you
Speaker:to fine-tune your conversation.
Speaker:Let’s revisit the idea of “open” and “closed” body posture.
Speaker:Rather than taking any single action in isolation (“crossed arms means
Speaker:you’re angry,
Speaker:a toe pointing toward the door means you want to run away,” and so on ...),
Speaker:observe the entire body as one unit.
Speaker:An open posture portrays friendliness,
Speaker:receptivity,
Speaker:and positivity. The feet are spread wide,
Speaker:and the palms of your hands are exposed and facing outward/visible. It’s
Speaker:easy to see if someone’s overall demeanor is communicating openness,
Speaker:but it’s just as important to be self-aware and make sure that you are also
Speaker:communicating the right message with open postural language.
Speaker:Keep a straight spine with your head lifted,
Speaker:open the chest and relax the shoulders down,
Speaker:loosen your facial features,
Speaker:and turn your entire body to face the other person.
Speaker:A closed posture portrays boredom,
Speaker:hostility,
Speaker:or detachment.
Speaker:The impression is one of tension and tightness.
Speaker:Arms and legs may be crossed;
Speaker:the features of the face will be tight,
Speaker:clenched,
Speaker:or pulled;
Speaker:hands will be closed or grasping;
Speaker:and the body will either seem to be hunched or crumpled in on itself,
Speaker:or else stiff and immobile,
Speaker:perhaps with shoulders held too high.
Speaker:Many so-called body language experts will go into great detail about what this
Speaker:or that tiny movement or gesture means,
Speaker:but this is usually unnecessary.
Speaker:You can achieve an incredible amount of insight into the person in front of you
Speaker:by simply asking whether they are open or closed,
Speaker:and further whether their posture aligns with their verbal expression or
Speaker:contradicts it.
Speaker:Reading body language is not a foolproof science,
Speaker:but rather a way to collect observations and seek out patterns.
Speaker:There are two rules to effective body language reading - 1.
Speaker:No single detail is decisive and conclusive 2.
Speaker:Consider every observation against a baseline For example,
Speaker:if you notice that someone’s arms are crossed,
Speaker:you’d be wrong to conclude solely based on this observation that they are
Speaker:angry or closed off.
Speaker:Perhaps it’s winter and they’re simply cold.
Speaker:This is why you need to consider context and a range of observations,
Speaker:seeking repeated patterns rather than just a single isolated behavior.
Speaker:If they’re scowling,
Speaker:crossing their arms,
Speaker:and turning away from you,
Speaker:the conclusion that they’re angry holds more weight.
Speaker:Imagine that you one day receive a warm hug and a big smile from someone
Speaker:you’ve just met.
Speaker:Are they coming on to you?
Speaker:Don’t assume they are until you know what their baseline is,
Speaker:i.e.,
Speaker:what is “normal” for them.
Speaker:Notice that they hug and smile at everyone all the time,
Speaker:and your observations suddenly don’t imply flirtatiousness anymore!
Speaker:Eye Contact.
Speaker:The eyes are such an important and expressive part of the human body that they
Speaker:get classed as a form of communication all their own,
Speaker:not to mention assumed to be the windows to the soul and one of the focal
Speaker:points (there’s a visual predicate right there!)
Speaker:of love poetry the world over.
Speaker:First things first - eye contact in itself is neither good nor bad.
Speaker:Rather,
Speaker:it’s a question of how you make it,
Speaker:when,
Speaker:and why.
Speaker:More is not always better.
Speaker:When you’re making eye contact with someone you’ve just met and don’t
Speaker:know very well,
Speaker:the mere act of lingering your gaze on theirs for slightly longer than is
Speaker:comfortable is a courageous way to signal that you are wanting to up the
Speaker:intensity and get to know the person a little better.
Speaker:If they match and mirror this eye contact,
Speaker:consider that your message has been heard and the response is broadly positive.
Speaker:Better eye contact skills will reap benefits in the workplace,
Speaker:will make you a better public speaker,
Speaker:will help you smooth over conflicts,
Speaker:and will make you appear more charismatic to the opposite sex.
Speaker:In a study led by Dr. Arthur Aron,
Speaker:men and women were put into opposite sex pairs and asked to look into each
Speaker:other’s eyes for two minutes straight.
Speaker:These couples later reported feelings of attraction,
Speaker:affection,
Speaker:and even love for the people they originally met as strangers.
Speaker:Surprisingly,
Speaker:one of the couples even married!
Speaker:So,
Speaker:the eyes are powerful communicators.
Speaker:Eye contact can create intimacy and intensity,
Speaker:but too much can be disastrous.
Speaker:Whatever you do,
Speaker:you don’t want your eye contact to be inappropriate or unwelcome.
Speaker:Don’t stare at people.
Speaker:If you’re looking at them and they look away to avoid your gaze and then
Speaker:return their gaze,
Speaker:and you are still looking at them,
Speaker:this will feel intrusive and even violating to them.
Speaker:In his book,
Speaker:The Power of Eye Contact.,
Speaker:psychologist Michael Ellsberg explains,
Speaker:“In order for eye contact to feel good, one person cannot impose his visual
Speaker:will on another;
Speaker:it is a shared experience.
Speaker:Perhaps eyes meet only for a second at first;
Speaker:one partner then tests the waters and tries a few seconds,
Speaker:and when that is met warmly,
Speaker:the pair can begin ramping up the eye contact together until they are locked in
Speaker:a beautiful dance of eyes and gazes."
Speaker:A good rule of thumb is to be brave and initiate eye contact,
Speaker:but after two unsuccessful attempts to catch their eye,
Speaker:stop.
Speaker:Be mindful of the rest of your body language,
Speaker:and moderate yourself.
Speaker:Eye contact plus leaning back may make the intimacy a little more comfortable,
Speaker:whereas eye contact and close proximity and intense language can be
Speaker:overwhelming.
Speaker:Another good idea is to take frequent pauses—a little eye contact goes a long
Speaker:way.
Speaker:Rest your gaze elsewhere for a while (look to the side,
Speaker:not down),
Speaker:or try career expert Kara Ronin’s “triangle technique” to cut potential
Speaker:awkwardness - 1.
Speaker:Draw an imaginary inverted triangle on the other person’s face around their
Speaker:eyes and mouth. 2.
Speaker:During the conversation,
Speaker:change your gaze every five to ten seconds from one point on the triangle to
Speaker:another.
Speaker:This will make you look interested and engrossed in the conversation without
Speaker:coming across as creepy!
Speaker:Paralinguistics.
Speaker:As you become a more active speaker and listener,
Speaker:increasing your awareness of the subtle nuances of verbal communication can
Speaker:contribute significantly to the quality of the conversation you have with
Speaker:others.
Speaker:This awareness will also promote a deeper understanding of,
Speaker:and connection with,
Speaker:those around you.
Speaker:When you speak,
Speaker:you expose a great deal about yourself,
Speaker:much of which frequently has nothing at all to do with the words you are
Speaker:using. The term "paralinguistics" refers to the study of voice tone,
Speaker:volume,
Speaker:inflection,
Speaker:and pitch and other components of nonverbal vocal communication that we’ve
Speaker:already briefly explored.
Speaker:Pay attention to your own voice and its function—it takes effort and practice
Speaker:to become a comfortable,
Speaker:conscious speaker.
Speaker:Think about how much of an impact your vocal inflection can have on the
Speaker:interpretation of what you're saying.
Speaker:It’s possible to communicate either extreme happiness or else anger and
Speaker:contempt—while using the very same words!
Speaker:How people deliver their words is as important as the words themselves.
Speaker:Become aware both of what you are communicating as well as what others are
Speaker:communicating with you,
Speaker:and your powers of communication will strengthen enormously.
Speaker:The Four Ps Of Voice.
Speaker:Imagine that speaking is like a train ride—peaks and valleys are more
Speaker:exciting and adventurous,
Speaker:while flat,
Speaker:unchanging terrain is not.
Speaker:Try to vary your speed and speak so as to include peaks,
Speaker:valleys,
Speaker:flat terrains,
Speaker:and pauses.
Speaker:Likewise,
Speaker:listen to the “landscape” of other people’s speech and see what it tells
Speaker:you about their state of mind and the message they’re sharing beyond the
Speaker:words they use.
Speaker:1.
Speaker:Power/Projection - how loud or soft you speak Modify your voice projection and
Speaker:speak loudly if you’re addressing more people.
Speaker:A confident speaker has good projection.
Speaker:Low projections make listeners lean forward to listen.
Speaker:When telling a secret (or wanting people to come closer to you),
Speaker:employ low projection.
Speaker:2.
Speaker:Pace - how fast or slowly you speak Quick speech implies nervousness,
Speaker:energy,
Speaker:enthusiasm,
Speaker:force,
Speaker:or even fear.
Speaker:Slow speech can convey calmness and gravity—or else be boring.
Speaker:Be animated and vary the speed of your speech depending on the effect you want
Speaker:it to have on others.
Speaker:3.
Speaker:Pitch - high or low Pitch conveys emotion—high pitch reflects wrath,
Speaker:happiness,
Speaker:surprise,
Speaker:or excitement.
Speaker:Low pitch expresses power,
Speaker:relaxation,
Speaker:aggression,
Speaker:or sadness.
Speaker:4.
Speaker:Pause - quiet moments bring emphasis or allow listeners to absorb and process
Speaker:Poor communicators think that a pause is asking to be interrupted or an
Speaker:admission that you forgot what you were saying.
Speaker:But skilled conversationalists know that pauses are powerful;
Speaker:they use them to add significance to their words and pace themselves,
Speaker:keeping their listeners on board with what they’re saying.
Speaker:Advanced speakers use a pause to optimize their speech's impact on their
Speaker:audience.
Speaker:How To Improve Your Vocal Variety.
Speaker:So,
Speaker:how do you know whether to pause or not?
Speaker:How do you know when to talk more quickly or loudly or with a higher pitch?
Speaker:Well,
Speaker:imagine that all the shades and nuances available in your voice are like colors
Speaker:in a palette.
Speaker:Whatever you’re communicating,
Speaker:you can paint a more powerful picture for the other person if you’re using a
Speaker:full,
Speaker:rich palette of colors.
Speaker:“Vocal variety” is a little like being physically flexible and fit—it
Speaker:means we are familiar with and comfortable using the full range of our
Speaker:voice’s potential.
Speaker:And like physical fitness,
Speaker:we can train this variety.
Speaker:Here are a few ideas.
Speaker:•Before you socialize,
Speaker:literally warm up your vocal cords,
Speaker:like an actor before a rehearsal.
Speaker:Massage your cheeks and jaw and practice saying mamamama and wawawawa sounds,
Speaker:or do “lip trills” where you forcefully blow “raspberries” by expelling
Speaker:a stream of air through pursed lips.
Speaker:This develops both breath and vocal control.
Speaker:•Practice diaphragm breathing.
Speaker:Place one hand on your belly and one on your chest and take deep breaths so
Speaker:that only your belly hand rises.
Speaker:After a few breaths,
Speaker:see if you can speak a long,
Speaker:slow sentence on one full belly breath.
Speaker:Play around with what it feels like to control this stream of air so that your
Speaker:voice is calm and measured.
Speaker:•Pick a random passage of text (children’s storybooks are great for this)
Speaker:and read through the passage,
Speaker:first in a dull monotone.
Speaker:Then,
Speaker:read through it again,
Speaker:trying to add as much color as possible—change your pitch,
Speaker:pacing,
Speaker:tone—be dramatic!
Speaker:Interactions can be awkward at first simply because you’re using vocal
Speaker:muscles that are not warmed up.
Speaker:Warm up this way and you’ll feel more vocally limber when you next enter a
Speaker:conversation.
Speaker:•If you find that your pitch gets uncomfortably high or low,
Speaker:or that you are often breathless or struggle to moderate volume,
Speaker:consider taking up singing to help improve your vocal mastery.
Speaker:Even chanting can help!
Speaker:•An alternative is to take up improv classes or learn to do a little acting.
Speaker:When you think of your voice as an expressive and artistic tool,
Speaker:you become far more aware of its power—and how you can use this power
Speaker:according to your own ends.
Speaker:The irony is that the better you are able to master and control your own voice,
Speaker:and the more self-awareness you have around your voice,
Speaker:the better you will become at hearing other people’s voices in three
Speaker:dimensions!
Speaker:You will notice the breathless or choked quality in a friend’s speech and
Speaker:understand that they’re nervous.
Speaker:You’ll notice the subtle change in pitch that signals someone’s rising
Speaker:excitement ...and know exactly how to match them to show your synchrony and
Speaker:support for that excitement.
Speaker:Communication is not just vocal,
Speaker:but that doesn’t mean that the voice isn’t an extremely powerful and
Speaker:flexible tool that lets you communicate anything and everything.
Speaker:Summary -
Speaker:•The best mindset to adopt in order to become a better communicator is the
Speaker:one that will best allow you to connect,
Speaker:meet your needs,
Speaker:solve problems,
Speaker:and express yourself.
Speaker:•Begin by asking yourself what your default communication style is -
Speaker:aggressive,
Speaker:passive-aggressive,
Speaker:or manipulative.
Speaker:None of these styles actually achieves the ultimate goal of communication,
Speaker:however.
Speaker:•The way you communicate is a choice.
Speaker:Assertive communication is the ability to express needs,
Speaker:wants,
Speaker:thoughts,
Speaker:and feelings directly without disrespecting or controlling others.
Speaker:Mature conversationalists are self-controlled,
Speaker:balanced,
Speaker:relaxed,
Speaker:open,
Speaker:and respectful.
Speaker:•Communicating well is simple and easy,
Speaker:but we need to remove the formidable psychological barriers that stand in the
Speaker:way.
Speaker:With awareness,
Speaker:we can remove them and improve our communication skills.
Speaker:•Barriers to good conversation include assumptions,
Speaker:strong negative emotions like anger and aggression (which inspire
Speaker:defensiveness),
Speaker:preconceived ideas and prejudice,
Speaker:fear,
Speaker:inflexibility and a need to control,
Speaker:premature evaluation and judgment,
Speaker:and other negative conversational habits like interrupting or one-upping.
Speaker:•Good conversation is firstly about the degree of concordance,
Speaker:harmony,
Speaker:and synchronicity between you and the person you’re talking to,
Speaker:i.e.,
Speaker:rapport.
Speaker:•We can increase rapport by mirroring and matching both nonverbal and verbal
Speaker:expression.
Speaker:This can be done with internal and external cues,
Speaker:voice and language,
Speaker:content,
Speaker:and chunking style (i.e.,
Speaker:up or down).
Speaker:•When reading someone’s body language,
Speaker:pay attention to microexpressions,
Speaker:their overall posture and orientation in space,
Speaker:as well as their degree of eye contact. Paralinguistics. refers to information
Speaker:carried in the tone,
Speaker:pace,
Speaker:pitch,
Speaker:etc. of the voice.
Speaker:•Think in terms of overall openness or closedness,
Speaker:but remember that no single detail is decisive and conclusive,
Speaker:and that observations should always be compared against a baseline.
Speaker:This has been
Speaker:Communication Skills Training:
Speaker:How to Talk to Anyone,
Speaker:Speak with Clarity,
Speaker:& Handle Any Situation (How to be More Likable and Charismatic Book 24) Written by
Speaker:Patrick King, narrated by russell newton.
