I know you're doing everything you can to lean fully into the complete experience of life. You're going for it in your career, relationships, family, and overall experiences. No matter how hard you try, and even if you have a similarly motivated family – things will never be perfect, not even close. So, what do you do when other people describe your life with negative adjectives? Listen to this episode to find out what I do in these situations.

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If you are like me, you’re doing everything you can to lean fully into to the complete experience of life. You’re going for it in your career, your relationships, your family, and overall life experiences. You are not generally satisfied unless you are making a difference, enjoying your spouse or partner completely, celebrating your kids, and creating a general life and career that you are absolutely in love with. Oh… but I also bet you know what I know: no matter how hard you try, and even if you have similarly motivated husband and kids – things are never going to be perfect, ha! Not by a long shot. But, is that really the goal? Are you going for perfect or are you going for no regrets at the end of life? I hope it’s the latter. Trust me, I’m a recovering people pleaser, I get far too much validation from people telling me I did a great job, and I also have really bad days sometimes. It is that “people-pleaser” and that “achievement validation” that drives me to make things as close to perfect as I can and then simultaneously drives horrible thoughts and feelings when I don’t meet the mark. Can you relate?

Then, the week before we were going to literally move, as we were packing boxes… my fifteen-year-old son broke his ankle in Varsity Wrestling and also needed to have a surgery so the orthopedic surgeon could place some screws to heal a growth-plate fracture. I jokingly told my son: “Hey, bud – if you didn’t want to help us move, you could have just asked, ha ha!” Suddenly, even though I have a bias toward work and career and a definite internal desire to provide high value at work, I found myself with no choice but to focus on my personal life almost exclusively for a three-week period. Over the past few years, I have not taken much vacation (so my available vaca days were piling up) and due to the fact that I knew we would be moving to the new home in early to mid-January, I only took two days of vacation around Christmas and New Year’s. The part I did not plan on was how everything lined up so that all of these unusual and somewhat mentally challenging (not to mention physically challenging) events happened right on top of each other.

I had also been asked to be a speaker at a major industry conference and had a great plan in place to make that happen. (That event was scheduled for a month after all of these events were happening, boom, boom, boom.)

I remember a day when a male leader in my organization contacted me, via email, and let me know they changed the Conference Agenda and due to my “Tumultuous Life,” they decided it might be best if they swapped my time in the agenda with another terrific leader in our industry. I’m not going to lie, it was actually a bit of a relief. When I thought about not speaking, as an introvert and given all that was happening… I truly did feel some relief. Still, I had already worked out a plan and had received commitments from three other leaders in our industry who were going to help me have some fun with my timeslot. So, when I was set free from the agenda, I had to pass my regrets to them that we were not going to be able to execute the full plan. To me, this was frustrating, as I was looking forward to letting others shine and knew it was going to be a super engaging and educational -- not just another person standing on a stage talking.

There was one other thing that really got me… The fact that this other male leader had described my life as “Tumultuous”. This is a person who I think is absolutely one of the most professional, kind, and dedicated leaders I know. Maybe he was being funny or maybe he had some kindness behind the note (I choose to assume that, for the most part.) Still, he is very highly educated and could have selected any adjective or even left the adjective out completely – it was unnecessary, after all. I did choose to reply to his email and I said, “I would not call my life tumultuous; I would just call it life.”

Issue – Why is this a problem?

Why is it a problem that anyone called my life tumultuous during a three-week period when any one of those three events (moving, my surgery, or my son’s surgery) would have been unusual and driven a need for a personal pause. Even if all three did not happen at the same time. I think it comes down to this for me: If the roles would have been reversed and he was having three big personal life events-happening on top of each other and I contacted him to offer him support or relief, I would have never labeled his life with an adjective that had a negative connotation. I’m not 100% sure of his personal situation, but he definitely has a supportive wife, and I believe zero kids… Thus, he is completely free to go all-in on work, and often works 12 hours a day to remain the high-achiever he is. Honestly, I also have an amazing family situation – my family circle, including my husband, kids, and other family friends allow me to go 100% in on my career as well, that is the life we have built. The thing is, I am also 100% certain that if this male person had multiple life events emerge that impacted his ability to go all in at work, I cannot imagine anyone calling his life tumultuous. The way life is, it is never 100% perfect, never 100% good. Both him and other men like him will eventually have a time in their life (either their own health, their kids or wife, or parents’ health) where they will not be able to let other people take care of it and they will have to pause their work-focus for a moment and focus on the rest of their life, outside of their career.

This is the first time in a REALLY long time where I had a flashback to my active-duty Navy single mom days when I had numerous people in my chain of command tell me that my daughter did not “Come in my Sea Bag” and that I had better figure it out or maybe the Navy wasn’t for me. As they would turn back to their computer to finish watching the NASCAR race that had been rained out yesterday… Anyway, I did figure it out. I built a powerful support system that still exists today. I figured it out to the point that later a Chief Petty Officer who I was working for (who was also a hardworking, terrific leader) told me I was a problem, because I was making all the young female Sailors think they could be moms and also be in the Navy. Essentially, I had taken so many steps and created so many back-ups plans to help my daughter and I survive that I was making it “look easy”. I remember those days and the way male leaders around me made me feel bad for having a life outside of work and then other male leaders made me feel bad for figuring out how to succeed WITH a family, including as a single mom. There was no winning back in those days, it seemed. Still, those days were building blocks to where I am today.

This is an example of a bias that seems to happen more often to women in the workplace. Essentially, if a woman lets her life, outside of work, show its head at work she is often more negatively impacted than a male counterpart, when he has similar issues. I honestly don’t think this person put as much thought into his adjective in the email as I did when I read it. As I said, he is a great human, an amazing leader and generally seems to be a fair person. I do think that it highlights two things: 1) how unconscious this type of bias can be – so use this as an example of how you might unknowingly be judged and that you should be aware of impacts and address it where you can. 2) How one misplaced word from a colleague you respect can impact you, depending on how you choose to think about it.

Solutions

As often as possible, I want you to separate your thoughts about what is going on around you from the true facts of the situation. This will allow you to have the space you need to process what matters and what you can let go. A very wise person told me, when I was young, that you need to save your energy for the battles that really matter long term. In this case, the facts were that I had these three personal events, two of which were not planned and not intended to occur during the move. I received one email, and the literal words stated the intent to provide me with schedule relief. Of course, there was the one adjective included – that was also a fact. Yet, the only way that one word has any meaning 100% depends on the thoughts I have about the word.

Activity

Ok, so… here is how I want you to put this episode into practice this week. Think about something that has been on your mind, some circumstance that frustrated you, hurt your feelings, or even made you a little (or a lot mad). What thoughts have you been having? Maybe you have been venting to coworkers or to your best friend? Take some time and write about the event in a journal or on a piece of paper. Get it all out of your head and on to the paper. Write what happened, what you think about it, all the feelings you are having and what you have been doing (or not doing) as a result of how you have been feeling. When you are finished writing, go back with a blue marker and circle all the cold hard facts in the story. This is literally what someone did (that would stand up in a court) and any words they wrote or actual words they said. Then go back with a red marker and circle all your thoughts about the facts. When you are done, examine these thoughts. This is a great thing to bring to a coaching session. But, even on your own you can start to question if there are other thoughts you could have, or at least if there are other thoughts that you could move toward. The thing is, when you allow one person to say one word and then you allow yourself to make it mean so much more than was likely intended, YOU end up holding YOURSELF back from feeling better. You end up using your energy in a way that leads to buffering (social media scrolling, snacking, wine, Netflix binging, etc.)

Think about my example where I decided to think about my unbridled life, my wild, joyous, and festive life… who do you think I walk into the world when I picture my life like that? I can tell you – it is night and day. That is a decision you can make in every moment.

Conclusion

What ended up happening? By mid-February, we were done moving, life started to feel normal in our new home – all the boxes are unpacked and the view is so incredible, that it energizes me numerous times a day. I was healed from my procedure and my son was having fun with his knee cart, racing kids in the hallway at school. I guess my family all takes corners on two wheels.

As for that major industry conference… 24 hours before the conference started, someone had to drop out of the agenda and they asked me to step in. So, I tested my capability and wrote a speech that afternoon… Yes, I ended up speaking after all. Just not as I expected.

Life is not always beautiful, sometimes it messy and crazy, and even tumultuous – and I would not have it any other way!