Is attachment really the enemy? No. It is the struggling to let go that hurts.

I smoked for the best part of thirty years. I am attached to pleasure, to hope, to feeling well. The Western version of this is that you must give everything up, and that is not it. Try pushing a bird off your hand and telling it to go. It leaves and it comes back. My council put a new kitchen in and I hated going in there for weeks, and then I did not. Stop chasing the carrot and it stops running. Just let the hour pass without the cigarette.

One thing to try: Do not fight the craving. Let this one hour go by without it, then start another hour.

In this episode

• (2:43) Thirty years of smoking, near enough
• (3:53) Pleasure, hope and the subtle attachments
• (5:35) The four truths, quickly and plainly
• (6:42) Push the bird away and watch it come back
• (12:48) Embrace change by simply accepting it
• (14:20) The new kitchen I did not want
• (15:26) The carrot, the stick and running for nothing
• (17:40) Another thirty seconds, then another
• (20:04) Do not get into the argument with it

With gratitude to

Senga, Michael, Dominique, Ulysses, Nick, Julie and Anne

Support the podcast and join the Weekly Calm: stevenwebb.uk

Thank you for listening.

Steven

Links to Steven Webb's podcast and how you can support his work.

• Donate paypal.me/stevenwebb or Coffee stevenwebb.uk
• Steven's courses, podcasts and links: stevenwebb.uk

So welcome to Stillness in the Storms. I'm Steven Webb, and I want to talk to you about attachment. And

it's one of the real big things about suffering. We suffer more because of attachment than probably anything else.

And suffering is optional, as the Buddhists would teach us. So I'm going to talk about that today and I'm

going to talk about my take on attachment, because it's quite a bit different than the letting go. I think

letting go is pants. I don't think it works. So I spoke to my group on what's happened, the donators

and the people that help keep this podcast free, and just said, what are your struggles with attachment and what

are you attached to? So they gave me some ideas and they told me some things that they're attached to.

So I'm going to go through them in this week's podcast. So, yeah, this week's all about attachment and how

we can deal with it. So just before we start, I want to thank Senga. You're awesome. I've just seen

your five coffees come up, actually, just before I was about to start this um Thank you, Michael, thank you,

Dominique, and thank you, Ulysses. Ulysses, you bought 34 coffees.

You're absolutely awesome. Thank you, Nick, and thank you, Julie and Anne. You're all awesome. Thank you very

much. So if you hadn't noticed, these podcasts and my Inner Peace Meditations don't have any adverts, and that's

because people treat me to a coffee. I don't like putting adverts because I like to tune into a podcast,

listen to the person, what they got to say, rather than tune into 50 of the adverts. So thank you

guys for keeping it free. And it does cost quite a bit to host it and do all the work

and the editing. So, anyway, moving on with today's podcast podcast about attachment. So there's all types of

attachments, and really one of my main attachments was being really attached to a cigarette.

I had to give up cigarettes. I always said I can give up cigarettes anytime because I did it lots

of times. The reality was I always went back to smoking, so I didn't do a very good job of

it. So I was really attached to cigarettes, and I was attached to that feeling of going out and just

having that last cigarette before going to bed and the relaxing and the wonderful nature and the feeling that I

thought it was giving me. So I was really attached to that and that ability to go somewhere

and instead of doing nothing, I could have a cigarette and just sit there and and in that transition of

life, getting out the car or doing these different things or going into somewhere, you'd have that transition. So I

got really addicted to that. So I'll talk a bit later on how I got over my addiction to cigarettes.

And I did smoke most of my life um I'm 50, 52, and I think I've

smoked a good 30 years of my life, maybe 25. I don't know. I started when I was about 13,

and not hugely at 13, but I, by the time I was 16, 17, and I broke my neck. And

even after breaking my neck when my lungs that are half paralysed, I still carried on smoking until I was

in my 40s um Did give up a couple of times, but anyway. And the other thing I was really,

really attached to is my life going forward. I was attached to when I was in a

relationship. Was the future of that life how it should be. I was attached to my expectations.

And I got really disappointed when life didn't turn out that way. That was slightly easier. I, you know, letting

go of that one, that was slightly easier. But I was attached to, you know, trying to control the world,

trying to control everything, to get it the way I wanted it. And I still have loads of subtle attractions

now. You know, I like pleasure. I like the clinging on to the hope that I can make things better.

I like it when I'm really doing really well health-wise And I'm like, oh, if only it can stay like

this. I'm attached to the weather been nice and all these different things, and we all have all these attachments

and all that. And. But the main thing is, and, and this is the key thing. If you don't listen

to any more of this podcast the key thing is be okay and enjoy the experience, but don't stay there

wanting it. The idea in Buddhism is not to give away everything. It's not to. I don't want to be

attached to anything. So I'm going to give away everything. I'm going to go on my clothes, I'm going to

sell my house, I'm going to literally live a minimal life. And no so Eckhart Tolle thought that

he realised that most of his suffering was coming from items and attachments. And he ended up at a point

where he was on a park bench and he realised that he desired a sandwich. And I think the story

goes that he realised at that point that he couldn't give up anything, everything. And the Buddha did exactly the

same thing when he was walking around, when he was just doing his teaching for Food. He gave it up

to the point where he didn't even want to eat a grain of rice, apparently. And you realise that that

just creates more suffering, ironically. So what was the four Noble Truths of Buddhism, what um Siddhartha

came up with when he sat underneath a tree and meditated until the snails come onto his hair there was

um to be alive is to suffer. And what. And then number two, why is that? Because of attachments. And

number three There is a way out. And number four, the Eightfold path. So, you know,

I'm not going to go through that whole whole Eightfold path, but really, the way I deal with attachments

is a more of a subtle Buddhist way, rather than the Western way of just let go,

just let it go. And, you know, you hear it on the Disney song Let It Go, Let it. No,

I'm not going to sing Trust me, you'll never. You'll never want to listen to a podcast again if I

sing. But if you just allow things to be what they are rather than trying to let them go. So

take this analogy. If you You're holding something tight in your hand and you don't want anybody to

take it away, and you open your hand and say, it's a butterfly. Okay, let's get over the fact that

you've probably hurt it by holding it tight, but you've opened your hand, the butterfly's on it. And if you're

like, fly away. I need you to go, I don't want you here anymore. Pushing away. And they don't. And

it flies away, and it comes back. It's frustrating. So how does that feel when you're trying to let something

go and the mind just brings it back in. I'm trying to give up. I'm trying to do all these

different things. And now imagine how it feels just to open your hand. But you don't have

to do anything with a butterfly Just

imagine just allowing it. Your hand, to be open. If it flies away, it does. If it doesn't, that's fine.

How does that feel? A

lot less pressure. A lot easier. So here's the thing. And when you take the four

um classic forms of attachment, they either come under um sense and pleasures. They

either come under our opinions and beliefs and views. And I know it's like when someone challenges me and I've

got a view or opinion, I'm like, no, you're wrong. And sometimes I like it. I'm even worse with family.

I'm okay with most people, but family, no. And then we get attached to rules and rituals and

what we need to do in these things, you know, don't step on a crack there'll be bad luck. Don't

do this. You know, and these rules and rituals go back, I don't know, a millennia. So.

Also clinging to self and identity. I am Steven This is who I am. You are whoever you are.

Yeah. Who are you? Well, I'm a doctor, I'm a counsellor. I'm a. I'm not a doctor, by the way

um but I'm all with these things. And I'm a kind person. And someone challenges it and says well that

one very kind is like well, made a mistake. That isn't me. That's not what I'm like. And people always

say well, you're very laid back Steven I'm like, yeah, I am. Until I'm not as As my daughter, she'll

say, no, he's not. So Buddhism doesn't say, don't love or don't enjoy things. It

says, don't cling to them. And I think this is the essence and the difference. So the Western world is

we have to give up everything. We have to let go. And you hear it constantly. I know I'm repeating

myself now. I'm doing it deliberately because I want you to drop the fact that you're trying to let go.

So some of the things that my friends come up in the Whatsapp group, and there's access to the Whatsapp

group for any donators that donates to um the podcast and helps to keep it free. Now, we talk about

all sorts in there and we also have announcements I always share my meditations and my podcast in there first

when they're released. You know, it's not for everybody. It's not a huge talking um thing but, you know, you

can put it on mute. You can do it, but you can directly ask me a question. You can directly

interface with me. Interface. You can directly communicate with me on Whatsapp. I'm very busy. I don't always

reply straight away, but you can. So some of the stories, some of the things that they come up with

on when I ask them, what do you suffer with most? What is your attachment um Difficulty letting go of

the past? Nostalgia or longing for what it once was?

Oh, I hear you. You know, just I

I think, although I do have this, I don't have it quite so much because I learned so much to

let go of the fact that I did break my neck. I am paralysed. There's nothing I can do about

that. So I don't really crave the walking Life because I know it'll make me miserable. But sometimes I do

create my youthful looks, my younger I've been fitter, less injuries or less illnesses. Because each

day now is like the first five minutes of the day is like cracking all my bones just moving and

it hurts. I know that once I get out of bed and things will be much better. But oh boy.

So I do crave the younger days and I also crave the fact that I

didn't do many things that I thought I should have done. You know, at my age I felt like I

should have write a book. I should have done that you know, so I suppose one of my attachments, I

should have, I should have. So that's like a subtle one as well um

Just looking through the list here now. Struggle to embrace change, even when it's bad for them.

That's. This is Toby and I hear you, Toby. Struggling to embrace change. So

the one thing with the subconscious mind is it doesn't care about you. It doesn't care about your

feelings, it doesn't care about what you like or dislike. All it cares about is moving forward and surviving.

Hence why it'll reach for a cigarette or it'll do the bad things again and again again Because it's not

thinking long term, it's just thinking, how do I improve my life right this moment here and now? So, but

it isn't making wise healthy decisions, it's just basing it on what you did in the past. So there's

a comfort there there's a comfort in that cigarette, There's a comfort in that alcohol drink. There's a comfort in

phoning the person you know is bad for you. But you know what is going to happen. It's like children

when they watch the same movie, you know three million times and you're like, are you not bored with that

yet? No, of course they're not. Because they know what's happening at the end and they feel safe. So even

if it's bad for you, you feel safe. Your subconscious mind will keep bringing it up again and again. So

it just makes sense. So how do you embrace change? You become okay with it. Instead of trying to go,

well, you know, I'm trying to embrace it, just accept it. It's going to change anyway. You

know, if you sit down and spend just a couple of minutes every day and just observing and listening, everything

changes. It's already happening, you know, from. Even if you're listening to a river, every single sound of that

river is completely different. It may sound the same to our quite primitive ears, but it's

constantly changing everything. So when you sit back and realise that, well, fighting it is futile,

and trying to be a good Buddhist or be a good um personal growth

person and going, hey, I'm embracing change. Just don't try. It's gonna happen

anyway. So

you mentioned about moving house um

I remember when I had my kitchen redone and it needed it. It was so bad.

The kitchen hadn't been

redone for, I think, 40 years and 30 years. And the kitchen sink

was awful. You know, all these kind of things. These units have been in there a long, long time. And

then because I live in a social housing, the council came out and they did the house, did the kitchen

for me, and I didn't like going in there for the first few weeks. It wasn't my kitchen. I felt

uncomfortable. And it wasn't until I stopped telling people that I felt uncomfortable. It wasn't until, you know, at some

point I was just like, oh well it is what it is.

Did my subconscious then move on? It's just like, okay, give up with that. Let's move on to something else.

So I don't know if that really, really helps. But, yeah, it's. It's a matter of

stop trying to let go. Stop trying to embrace change. Stop trying so damn hard.

We're all trying to stay. We're all trying really hard to be really good personal growth and really good at

never losing our temper or really good at being enlightened and all that. The minute you stop trying. And there's

a really good analogy for this, I will always remember. So it's like the. If there's a carrot, it's dangling

in front of you and it's attached to a stick that's in that, going up your back, bent over, and

it's in front of you, then what we're doing is we're trying to run as fast as we can, try

to catch up with the carrot, trying to improve, trying to do all these things, reading books, listening to podcasts.

Oh, the irony they're Doing all these things. And we. I've got to do all these different things. And then.

But the problem is the carrots always far out in front of you. And the moment you stop and say,

oh, it's raining, that

wasn't. You don't stop and say it's raining. I'm just. Literally, I've got the door open and we've had a

heat wave. It's actually raining.

And there's a lovely word for the rain. After it's been dry for days

and you smell that rain that Comes off the ground, it's called um petricor It's that lovely smell

of the rain after a dry spell. Especially on the road or in paths and pavements. Anyway, right, going back

to. So the carrots are in front of you, you're running along, and if you just stop, what does the

carrot do? It flies out in front of you, goes away from you. And

the minute, what we normally do is we chase after it and we get faster and faster. Don't stop

and wait.

What's the carrot do? It comes right back at you. Then you grab order If you like carrots.

It's a simple metaphor, but I love it um it it really is if you stop

chasing the happiness, stop chasing the letting go, stop doing.

There's so much that we try to do that we just don't need to do. This is why I teach

him in meditation, is have intentions, have these little things. But don't try to meditate, like to

a point where I've got to silence my thoughts. I've got to do this I've got to do that. If

you just sit down and allow this moment to be what it is, and you manage that for about 30

seconds, you're way ahead of most meditators in the world. You're doing all right. And

just do it for another 30 seconds and another 30 seconds. And whenever you get time, stopping at the traffic

lights, whenever you get a moment you You come across the door, just hold the handle. Just two minutes and

go ah It is what it is.

And then you do it with each breath. So breath is another brilliant metaphor here, actually. So if you, you

know that you need your breath to survive, every one of you. If you, you wouldn't grieve out knowing that

you're not going to have another breath. But

you do. You let go after every breath and you let go in the most extreme circumstances, you don't know

that you're going to be able to take another breath. You've learned that you can in most circumstances,

luckily.

But you wouldn't let go of that breath if you didn't have the fear.

It's like children need to learn how to get the skill of falling asleep before they learn what falling asleep

is. If you said to a child after they hadn't been asleep ever, and 12 years old and said, right,

you're going to have to learn how to go sleep. They go, what sleep? Well, you'll close your eyes and

you'll know nothing.

And you might wake up in the morning, you're going to go I ain't doing that. No way. Yeah, well

you've got to let go you've got to let go. You've got to do it. You're just not going to

do it.

So attachment, whatever it is, and whether you're trying to find calm, whether

or not you're trying to

deal with the alcohol and things like that, recognise why you're doing it,

why what it is that gives you comfort, recognise your subconscious mind telling you about it. And how did I

give up smoking? I was going to tell you that. I still haven't.

I'm still a smoker, I'm still a drinker, I'm still all those things, but I haven't had them for years.

And the way I see is

if the. If the subconscious mind says to me, have a cigarette, I'll go, maybe I'll have one in an

hour's time. The subconscious mind goes, okay. It

doesn't try to fight me. It doesn't try to. I don't have a battle with. I'm letting it go and

it's going, well, why are you going to give up? Why are you doing all that? Why don't you just

have one? I don't end up in that battle. And then an hour's time, chances are it's forgot Chances are

it's moved on to something else. And then I just get another hour. And then before you know it, it

doesn't even remember that you used to be a smoker.

Doesn't even bother you. Then sometimes I'll see someone with a cigarette and I won't mind that, and they go,

do you want one so well Maybe I've won an hour. I still haven't. So that's the way you can

always do one hour.

So if you end up drinking a lot a night just go, do you know what? I'm not going to

drink till eight

no And then nine o'clock comes along Do you know I'm gonna just watch this program and then I might

have a drink afterwards and then go, do you know what? I'm gonna go to bed instead of drink But

you're not giving up. The problem is if you want to give it up, you've got to give it up

for life. And the minute you say I've got to give up for life or I've got to embrace change

is you've got to do it forever. And forever is a mighty long time from that song by Prince

I'm here to tell you there's the afterlife, the world in which everything happens.

Oh, I must get out today.

Anyway, that's my podcast on attachment. And I'm going to record a meditation in a minute about just

opening your hand and allowing things to be what they are. Allow this moment to come and go. Allow the

breath to go, allow the hour to pass with not having that cigarette, not having that alcohol drink

um because you can't change nothing. You can't do nothing about any of it. And you don't have to give

it up forever. You only have to do it in this moment. And you don't even have to let it

go in this moment.

You know, just by not having it or not doing it or not embracing the change, it's still going to

happen. You're still not going to have that cigarette. You don't have to embrace. There you go. I did it.

I, I, I brute Use my brute force and strength to not do it.

I hope that helps. So that's my podcast on attachment. It's like, don't try to let go. Just allow

things to be what they are. Just open your hand and I just want to say thank you to all

the donators, the monthly donators You know you are. Thank you to my group for indulging in my questions and

being so open about some of your attachments and sorry if I missed a couple of you. I I took

down some notes and yeah, so, yeah, don't try so hard. Be okay with it be okay

with this moment and I

love you and enjoy life, but don't stay there. Don't become attached to it. Just allow it to come and

go because it will come and go. Thank

you.