Artwork for podcast Financial Life Planning for Busy Parents
Attention
Episode 11612th September 2023 • Financial Life Planning for Busy Parents • Mike Morton, CFP®, RLP®, ChFC®
00:00:00 00:35:56

Share Episode

Shownotes

In today's fast-paced world, many of us find ourselves living life on autopilot, following a checklist of societal expectations without truly examining what brings us fulfillment and joy. The recent trend of prioritizing external achievements over internal well-being is leaving many feeling drained and disconnected from their true desires. In this week’s episode, I chat with Registered Life Planner Andrea Miller to explore the importance of paying attention to what energizes you and how it can lead to a more fulfilling life.

Checking the Block

It's easy to fall into the trap of the "checklist mentality." We set goals for ourselves: get the job, earn the salary, buy the house, find the perfect partner, have kids, and acquire material possessions like cars, houses, vacations, etc. While these goals are not inherently wrong, they often prioritize external achievements over internal happiness and well-being.

This check-the-block approach can leave us feeling unfulfilled and disconnected from our true selves. It's essential to recognize that life is more than a series of boxes to tick off; it's about finding meaning, purpose, and joy in each moment.

Pay Attention - Don’t Be Asleep at the Wheel

In a world where we're bombarded with distractions and demands on our time, it's crucial to pay attention to where we're directing our energy and focus. Often, we give away our time and attention without realizing it, leaving us feeling like we're "asleep at the wheel."

Our brains are wired to protect us, and sometimes they create narratives and beliefs that push us to chase external accomplishments, thinking they will keep us safe. To break free from this pattern, we must become more aware of our thought patterns and redirect our attention to what truly matters.

Get into The Flow: Attention, Emotion, Behavior, Results

Understanding the flow of attention, emotion, behavior, and results can help us gain clarity and make positive changes in our lives. Work from the top, down:

  1. Pay Attention: What we focus on at the top of the triangle determines our entire life experience. Pay attention to your thoughts, beliefs, and where you direct your energy.
  2. Identify Emotion: Your attention influences your emotions. Are you feeling energized and joyful, or drained and frustrated? These emotions are often linked to where you're placing your focus.
  3. Tune in to your behaviors: Are you asleep at the wheel? Emotions drive behavior. Are your actions aligned with your true desires and values, or are you simply reacting to external pressures and expectations?
  4. Check your results: Your behavior leads to outcomes. Are you achieving the results you desire in life, or do you feel stuck and unfulfilled?

To begin your journey towards a more fulfilling life, start by paying attention to what energizes you and what depletes you. How? It’s as easy as 1, 2, 3:

  1. Take out a sheet of paper and create two columns: "Energizes Me" and "Depletes Me." Throughout your day, note down activities, people, and experiences that either bring you energy or drain it.
  2. Reflect on your list and see if any patterns emerge. What common themes or activities appear in the "Energizes Me" column?
  3. Begin incorporating more of what energizes you into your daily life and gradually reduce activities that deplete you.

By following your energy and making intentional choices to focus on what truly matters to you, you can shift your life towards greater fulfillment and happiness. In the words of younger but wiser country/pop icon Miley Cyrus: “Ain’t about how fast I get there, ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side, it’s the climb.”

Life is too short to live on autopilot, following a checklist that doesn't align with your true desires. Embrace the power of attention and start prioritizing what energizes you today. Your path to a more fulfilling life begins with mindful awareness and intentional choices.

Transcripts

Mike:

Welcome to Financial life planning. I'm your host, Mike Morton and today, we have a very special guest Andrea Miller is here with us to discuss some of the top topics that we'd like to discuss on this podcast, which is not only about the financial side and the numbers, of course, but the life planning around or other resources, whether we've got energy, attention, your time and other things. So Andrea is another life planner, let me introduce Andrea, she's a registered Life Planner. She's also a CFLA, a CPA, a PFS, I don't know, if you have some other acronyms after your name as well. She runs Andrea Miller Life Planning, where she does a lot of coaching and helping people through transitions, understanding what's really important to them, so Andrea, welcome to the show, love to have you here.

Andrea:

Thank you, Mike. Thanks so much for having me. I'm excited about our conversation today.

Mike:

Yeah, why don't you, before we dive into the topic for today, why don't you get started, just to let us know a little bit about your background, kind of how you ended up where you are today?

Andrea 1:08

t I had some things happen in:

Mike:

Thank you so much for sharing that that whole story briefly. But wow, there's a lot in there and sorry for your loss and the tragedies during 2015. If I could take you back for a minute, one of the things there's a lot of things you said that I really want to follow up on. But one of them you said you took the director of financial operations or director of finance and you thought that was like a great job at that time. You're like, oh, this is so wonderful, this feels so great, but even that now you're saying looking back wasn't fulfilling what you really need. So can you go back to that time? And what was great about that job, but what do you now realize maybe wasn't fulfilling you?

Andrea:

Yeah, I think as humans, we want to progress and do different things and so I think that that job was perfect for me at the time, I had gotten a career coach when I was in public accounting. And I just thought this when I was doing the taxes and the financial planning, but having all those tax deadlines, and I got to a point where I was like this isn't for me anymore. And then I got a career coach, and figured out okay, my number one thing is flexibility and my second thing is that I want to be passionate about what I do. And I kind of figured out with her, what is it that looks like my ideal life and then I was really depressed because I thought my ideal life doesn't exist but then what's so beautiful about getting clear, like that stuff just starts happening. And I was doing a lot of networking at the time to figure out what's my next move and people kept saying, the American Institute of Certified Public Accountants, have you thought about them, because they're actually moving from Jersey City to Durham, and I live in Raleigh, North Carolina. And that's the association that supports CPAs and I'm a CPA and I just thought, what am I going to do there and I'm used to client work and I kind of dismissed it, but it just kept popping back up. And then when I finally went to give it a chance and looked at the top job description, it was exactly what I was looking for and what I had designed. There was tons of flexibility, tons of different ways to work, compress schedules, work at home, like not having to do the typical thing being in an office all the time. And I had grown up in a way where FaceTime was the thing, you just have to show your face rather than whatever you get done. So I think I just loved that position because I had been in firms working with just the people around me but working in that role as a director, I got to work with all these incredible members from all around the country. And you know the kind of people that you meet are the ones that they're successful at what they do, but they're also the kind of people willing to volunteer and give back and help others. They have, you know, they're people that are just amazing people and so I loved that for a long time. But it was my downfall that I, that started to not be so fulfilling down the road as it was for a good many years. But I think I just got into overworking because you can imagine as group work, there's a million things you could do, I cared so much for the cause I wanted to make these members happy. And so I just put my own life on the back seat and did everything I could to make everybody else happy. And at some point, that burned me out and was no longer fulfilling and I could have shifted that I if I had been aware of that, I probably could have shifted and made it better. But once I got introduced to life planning, and these life events happened, that's what made me go a lot deeper because you know, a lot of times in life were kind of just surface living. Oh, I think I'll do this, and then you go to that, but I had never done a deep dive and that's what got me really clear that I probably wouldn't have known that if I hadn't gone through these experiences that I did. What I love is just help guiding people to create the life they really want to live and be intentional about it and have that fulfillment, that peace, that joy that we're all seeking. Because I think life is a lot of us, including me, we get we treat it as an external game. What are we going towards next? What are we achieving? It's an external game, but really, it's internal. It's all internal. What is it that's true to you and your values? What's most important to you, and if you get the internal, which isn't easy to figure out. But if you get thoughts, then whatever happens, you can keep that peace, that joy, that fulfillment. And so that's what I had never known. And that whole process led me through that. So I don't know if I answered your question well…

Mike:

Well, you only brought up about 15 other things that I now want to ask you about. So we are going to hone in on today's conversation in just a minute. But I want to highlight a couple things that you said. One is that you hired a coach to help you get clear on the things that were important to you. And you mentioned a couple of those things were being passionate about what you were doing, who you were serving and what you were doing, or using your skills, so passionate or energized around the work itself. And the other thing was the flexibility, you mentioned, I wanted flexibility. And those are a couple of things I talked about in a recent podcast around logistics matter. And I don't mean logistics only in the sense of working from home or the commute or the flexibility of hours, but also, that internal maybe logistics, like here's the things that I'm interested in and passionate about. And having an external person really helped us solidify that. So that then you can go and look for the opportunities or the opportunities will arise, right. They're always going to be there, the opportunities are there, you just now are aware of them. So I think that was a really important point that the more clear you can get, whether it's with help with a coach or someone else, or just sitting in journaling, or whatever it takes about the things that are really important to you is a great first step. And the other thing that really hit me was, you mentioned the check, we're like a checklist, the external I call like the checklist here, and Americans are just checklist oriented, hey, I'm going to get like the job, I'm going to get the salary, I'm going to get the house, I'm going get this the partner I'm going to get the kids like, but then I'm going to get the car and like, it's all checklist driven, rather than what's deeper and kind of more important. So thank you for pointing that out, there’s so many directions we could go with this. But today, I really want to explore with you a topic around the attention, energy and attention, that we're giving away our time and energy without being aware. You just mentioned that we're kind of like zombies through life just asleep at the wheel, giving away your time, and especially the attention piece I'm really curious about. So let's define that problem a little bit more. How are we asleep at the wheel? How are we giving away our time and attention. And then hopefully we can get to what we can do about that.

Andrea:

It's really the human experience because a lot of times I've been giving away all this time and energy and not focusing where I want it to be. And then people tend to think oh my gosh, I just wasted all that time because I wasn't aware, it's very difficult to be aware of it unless you take the time and effort to start reflecting, to start seeing how these things are running. I always like to think of this little triangle to kind of keep the flow to keep it simple and keep me on my own path. And at the top of the triangle is what we're focused on. And that's where we're putting our attention. And then whatever that is leads to our behavior. And then our behavior leads to our results. So the top of the triangle, what we're focused on what we're giving our attention to, that's the number one place where you can shift your entire life experience. And a lot of times, without knowing it, we're giving attention to the things that are these unconscious beliefs that are running how we're living our lives that we're not even aware of. So the best way to start getting in tune with it is to pay attention. What are the results you're getting in life? Do you like the results you're getting? Like, if we went back to my example, if I paid attention, my result was that I was working all the time. And then by the time I wasn't working, I was so depleted, I was just going to sleep. If I went to family events or anything, I was barely there, I wasn't present. I was worried about work, and by the way, the love of my life at the time, who suddenly passed away, I wasn't there with him. When we were together, I was worried about work in my head but what I didn't know was all the subconscious stuff running me. That's how I got my worth, oh, that's what I am in control of to do a good job at work. So then I can please everybody, and make everybody happy and have all these achievements, the external, like you're saying, but I wasn't in tune with that. So if I had just paid attention to wait, isn't it crazy, like you would think that would be obvious to me, I'm tired, I'm working all the time, life's passing me by. And I love work, I still love work and probably everyone who listens to your podcast are high achievers. And I think high achievers are more susceptible to all of this because you want to accomplish so much you want to be your best you want to contribute to the world. And then I think you're even more susceptible to all of this. So I think that's the key is if you can get in tune with the results you're having. And then you can kind of back into it, like, what's my behavior? What's driving that, and you can start to figure out, whatever is causing that behavior is a true start. So just ask yourself the question.

Mike:

Are you ready to create your ideal lifestyle? Let's discover what's most important to you and design a plan to have more of that in your life. Go to meet Mike morton.com, all one word, meet Mike morton.com. I want to get into that flowchart the triangle and how that works. But before I do that, I want to go back to something you said because you said you love work, right and high achievers love work and also not just work. But generally speaking, life is super busy. Got a couple of kids, and you want them to be achievers and so you're supporting them and all their activities just got nuts these days, it's unbelievable. So how do you now knowing that you love work, you love what you do, but how do you balance that? With a love of that and being able to pour more and more of yourself into that with the other things that are important in your life? How do you do that today?

Andrea:

Well, I figured out the counterintuitive truth. But people believe that if you do more, do more, do more, you're going to have better results at work or whatever it is. And so the truth is that if you are rested, if you take care of yourself, if you take time to be present in your connections, and you're rested, when you sit down to do your work, you can actually do your work much better and in a much shorter amount of time. So I just stay there, I stay balanced by making sure that I'm spending enough time in the areas I kind of call it my vitality, which is what gives me my energy. That's the taking care of yourself eating well sleeping well exercising, meditating, whatever it is that gets you centered and within yourself. Because if you don't do that, first, how are you going to be good for your work or the relationships you have? So then also making time for connections because there were humans, there was that you probably heard of the Harvard study where they studied people for like 85 years, and said there's nothing more important than our relationships and our connections. So I make sure that I have that carved out and when I'm with people I'm present and there and I guess it's just through testing out that I figured out oh, I actually can do more. I'm more effective. I do better work when I don't work so many hours. And I I'm a person where I have to design it out of course nothing's perfect, but I'm a huge lover of blocking and figuring out what does my week look like and I block like, this is the time for me to I have my exercise time. You have to block time for yourself because otherwise everybody else will take over, won't they? And then you'll have nothing left and are you really getting everything done when you leave nothing for yourself? So I just intentionally the three areas, my vitality, my connections and my contributions, which is the work and I make sure, on my calendar that I have it blocked out, of course, it's not perfect as we all know things happen. So getting really intentional, because we only have what do we have 168 hours a week? How do you want to spend those hours and designing it? That's, to me the most effective way. So it was really hard, but it happens by slowly, just doing it anyway. And then finally, when you look at the end of the day, did you spend the time on what was most important to you? Did you show up as the person you want to be? Or did you live your day in alignment with your values, all of that kind of stuff just keeps you on track?

Mike:

That is amazing. That's awesome. And I love the way you think about it in terms of the results, are you getting the results that you want? But I was gonna ask you, you already answered it. How do you do this, and you mentioned the time blocking is the way you think about the three categories which was vitality, connections, and contributions, and then blocking out your week or multiple weeks to make sure you have a nice balance between that and I said it so many times but it's really hard for me personally, and for everybody I talked to around like, you have to do a lot for yourself. First, you've got to put yourself first, if you want to show up the way that you want to and be the best self, when you're in those moments. And I know, I've done the same thing, like when I come back from a run, I am twice as productive in the next two hours than I was previously. You know, I mean, I can get twice as much stuff done. So to your point, are you just busy, you know spending time mindlessly or you really were intentionally being productive. And whatever it is, whichever of those areas, it is, I love that you do the time blocking. So there's one way of thinking about it. And it's fantastic making sure that you're balanced around those things. Now, I wanted to get back to the other thing that you mentioned earlier, which is the attention leading to the emotions to the behavior to the results, I have the triangle in front of me. But for our listeners, it's like this tension is at the top of the triangle. And then the next point in the lower left is your behavior and the last point of the triangle is your results. So attention leads to behavior, which leads to results. So can you talk about that kind of flow and maybe give an example of the way it was before for you or for somebody else, a client or something and then the way that they were able to change that. So you're ended up with the results that that you wanted, given what you're paying attention to at the top?

Andrea:

Yes. And like I said before, it's hard to see the one at the top what you're paying attention to. A lot of times, that's kind of mindless, it's all the other things. So I'll give an example of one of my clients, she came to me because she was getting ready to turn 65. She really wanted to retire, she felt like the job that she was in wasn't aligned with her values. And she was doing what we've been talking about Mike, she was a high achiever. So she was working all the time, missing a lot of other things. And so she'd been and this her emotion was that she just felt stuck and frustrated, because she kept working this job and it had been going on for years that she really wasn't happy where she was, but she just kept doing it. And so then of course, the result was that her emotion was frustrated, feeling stuck, oh, I just have to be there. So her result was that she just kept staying at this company that wasn't really aligned to her and doing things the same ways for years and years. She just kept doing it. And then but what we figured out was, when we started getting under the hood of what she was focused on, she was worried about leaving this job because it was really important to her that she had a trust that she had that had been set up by her parents for her. And it was important to her that she be able to leave some of that trust to her daughter when she passes and so in her mind, she thought I must stay at this job and keep doing this because if I stop working, then the trust will deplete and then I'll have nothing to leave to my daughter. She didn't know that but once we started talking, like what's going on here, what's keeping you here and what we do we also as humans, we make things very black and white. So it was like oh her black and white was I stay here and even though I'm not happy, I'm not fulfilled. I'm just frustrated all the time. And I really want to get out, but I guess I will just deal with it. So she was tolerating all of that. And she thought it was either that, or she leaves, she makes no more money ever. And there's nothing to leave her daughter. That's what she was doing. And that's very common, like something to see that we do black and white thinking. But when you start to see what you really want in your life, and you take the time to reflect, like you said, with somebody else, get out of your own head, like journal or talk with somebody else, when we figured out what she really wanted, that opens all the possibilities and all the different choices. So then she saw Oh, so I'm not just going to never make money. She was 65. But she still had a ton to contribute. And she and by the way, she had other things, she could leave her daughter, it wasn't just this trust, she had, she was like, Oh, I have all these other things I could leave her. So it's just funny. Like, as obvious as that sounds, she had been running her cycle and living her life from that place for years, until she could see clearly it's just things like that. But that seems so simple once you uncover it, but it's not easy to see when you're in your own head.

Mike:

Yeah, you got that right. We never see what's in our own heads. You've said multiple times, it seems so obvious your story your clients stories, like, oh, it seems so obvious, once you kind of get there. The issue is that we never spend the time to do it. You and I work in life planning so we have these kinds of conversations, but this is like when we have it with one of our clients. It's like the first time that they've really sat down and had this type of conversation that you might talk with your partner about certain things. Hey, what do we want to do for this summer coming up? What kind of fun activities so you think you're sort of coming up with Oh, yeah, I value this, I want to spend my time doing this. But it's not at that deeper level of like, what's meaningful, you know, across five years, 10 years, my entire life? What kind of person do I want to be? And what kind of person do I want to be? And then work? Like you're saying, working backwards, if that's who I want to be? How do I work backwards to spend my attention and energy to start being more of that person spending more of my time being that person? So it just reminds me we we rarely have these types of conversations that where you step back, look at things. And then it does, it becomes obvious you have a couple of these things, you spend a few hours, it's not like we're saying, hey, it's this session is gonna take you know, once a week for two years now, it's like it's a few hours of time. And you uncover a tremendous amount of things that are important to you, and you start exploring those.

Andrea:

I remember being in the life planning course that you did, too. And I was so excited because it's so hard and on your own to think I don't know, what matters, like I don't know, are you just the obvious things that everybody says, well, my family matters? Well, my health matters, but you don't go deeper, as you say. But I just remember those guiding questions and having that instrument to guide in conjunction with a conversation is life changing. And I couldn't sleep that whole week, because I was so excited for the possibilities that I hadn't seen before being taken out of my everyday life, to see these things that you hadn't even contemplated before or thought were possible and so much as possible that we think of that. It's amazing.

Mike:

It's incredible. I think there is there's so much possibility, especially in today's environment, there's so much that you could just go out and try in very small doses. And like you say, pay a little attention, have an emotion, try something, do a behavior, see what your result is. And if it's good, it's like, getting up early and doing a workout. Really, at the end of the day. I felt yeah, I felt good about that. You could try it again. So there's so many things that we can try today. So Andrea, I do want to wrap up today's podcast, what are some things that the listeners could do today to at least get started in maybe that at the top of their the attention? What is taking away their attention? And where are things that little tips you could give about where to start trying to pay attention?

Andrea:

The answer to all of us and what the most powerful thing is getting clear what you want to create in your life. What's your experience in life creating that yourself? So I just start with, take out a sheet of paper and write on one side of it. What energizes you and write on another side of it, what de-energizes you or depletes you? And start noting that because maybe other people are more aware than me, but when I started down this path, somebody asked me like, well, what brings you joy? I'm like, I don't know, I haven't been paying attention. So, so treat life kind of like a laboratory and an experiment, it can kind of be fun, and start noticing all the different things like the people, you're around. Does this person energize me? Did they deplete me? Is it just neutral, but you can do it for the people, you can do it for the projects you do at work, you can do it for different habits that you have. Like, for instance, I remember one time I went through where I thought I had to wake up at five o'clock in the morning to work out before the day got started. Well, that's in the depletion column for me, that does not work. And then it could be meetings, like I don't do meetings first thing in the morning, because I need to have the time to get my thoughts clear to work on some things to kind of get going for the day. And then I'm much better in the afternoon. So just start writing down these things, noticing how you feel, did it give you energy? Or does it deplete? You hear so many people say, Oh, I'm so depleted at the end of the day, what happened? But if you can get super clear, and just make it just start to notice and jot it down, and then you become really aware of what it is and what is the work that really lights you up. What are the people and then you can go seek those things out when you need a little boost. You can go seek out the things that energize you whether it's your self care, whether it's a relationship where whether it's work that, you know, isn't it awesome when you get work that you're just in the flow, because you love it so much. But sometimes we're not aware of these things, unless we write it down when it happens, how did that make us feel? So that's where I would start, because that can get really clear on oh, these are the things. So start focusing your attention there. And then just take one step at a time. And if you did that all year, your life would be transformed. And here just from that simple activity, there's not some guru that can tell you this is going to be what it is, you've got to figure it out within yourself. Because like we said, it's internal rather than external. That's where the beautiful life experience and the fulfillment comes from.

Mike:

I absolutely love that, because I do talk about energy, but you put it so well, like, what did you do during today, that brought you more energy. And you're going to come up with a couple things just from today, you know, when I did this walk, where I spent time with my kid, or I made a nice meal I loved you know, loved making that nice meal, like whatever it is. Because if you follow the energy, you will find your passion so much. It's oh, find your passion, like what are you passionate about? Like I don't, I don't know, I don't know what I'm passionate about, but just what brings you energy. And then what de-energizes us on the flip side. And it's so important. And it reminded me, Andrea, of a book that I recommend called spark type, and defines what kind of things you enjoy are not any of these kinds of tests, right. But I love this one because it nailed me, I did a little test, and they got a book and they had these different types and it totally nailed me that I love to learn. Okay, and so I'm a very learning person, and I don't have to implement the learning. I can read the newspaper, read books, and I just love that it gives me more energy. And then I'll come here and talk to Andrea and other people. Well, I learned this thing I read this book, and it was so cool. And I just love that learning. You know, they tell you this in the book to spark type I love it’s emotional conflicts or having employees or drama with humans, right? Yeah, oh, man. And that is completely draining to me completely draining, you know, I can do a good job now. And then, but it's it uses a lot of my energy to do that. And this is what's so fascinating about humans is we're all different. And so it's so great and really frustrating because you don't have the guru to just say, here's how it is for everybody, whether it's your nutrition, here's the food that everybody should eat, or your job or whatever it is. So you do have to do some internal work, but I love the energy. So definitely recommend that. Follow your energy. And just try that out today, see what brings you energy and see if you can do more of that this week and next week. So yeah, Andrea with that, I'm gonna leave it there. Thank you so much for everything today. Andrea, where can people catch up with you or meet you? Or where can they find you?

Andrea:

It’s a mouthful, but at andreamillarlifeplanning.com That's my website so you can see more about me there get in touch with me. Maybe something there will inspire you for your own life. But andreamillarlifeplanning.com and my Millar is spelled with AR so M I L L A R and by the way, I've also a certified spark a type advisor that you were talking about. I've gone deep into that work there. That's good to hear.

Mike:

That's amazing. Definitely. Maybe we have a whole episode on that. I love that book. Some of the stuff there. So that would be super fun. So Andrea, thank you so much for being here today and joining me on the show.

Andrea:

Thank you, Mike for having me. It's been fun. Thank you so much.

Mike:

Thanks for joining us on financial planning for entrepreneurs. If you liked what you heard, please subscribe to and rate the podcast on Apple, iTunes, Google Play Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts. You can connect with me at LinkedIn for Morton financial advice.com. I'd love to get your feedback. If you have a comment or question, please email me at financial planning pod@gmail.com. Until next time, thanks for tuning in. This recording is for informational purposes only and should not be considered for investment advice or opinions expressed as our of the date of recording. Such opinions are subject to change. We do not guarantee the accuracy or completeness of the data presented here.

Chapters

Video

More from YouTube