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“I've been using spirituality and other means to reject myself and repress who I am, and I was just finally ready to ask for help,” says Speaker A, an emerging artist whose struggle with insomnia, pornography addiction, and the fear of intimacy leads to a powerfully vulnerable session on Mental Health in a Modern World. In a riveting conversation with holistic practitioner Speaker C, Speaker A unpacks his journey: four nights without sleep, waves of shame, and the realization that his deepest wounds stemmed not from simply bad habits, but from a lifelong impulse to hide the truest parts of himself.

Today, Speaker A shares how archetypal and parts work unlocked the protective, sabotaging patterns within him and the childhood pain beneath—a territory rarely explored so openly by men. He courageously details the process of breaking his unconscious contract with pornography, the visceral chaos of inner transformation, and how somatic dance (and finally, authentic creative expression) helped him find safety in his body and connection with others.

Tune in to this episode of Mental Health in a Modern World for a raw, hope-filled look at healing addiction, shame, and the path to genuine intimacy—starting with the courage to be seen.

5 Key Takeaways

Healing deep wounds and reclaiming intimacy requires courage, self-inquiry, and compassion—here’s how you can start:

1. Identify and compassionately engage with your inner protector parts to understand what they’re guarding and what they truly need.
2. Give yourself permission to express difficult truths and vulnerabilities, especially the ones you’ve been ashamed to share.
3. Replace self-destructive coping mechanisms, such as pornography or media binging, with embodied practices like somatic dance and creative expression.
4. Release unconscious contracts and old patterns by consciously naming them, honoring their original purpose, and inviting in healthier replacements.
5. Regularly create safe spaces for authentic self-expression and supportive community connection—your healing can inspire others to share and heal as well.

Start today: embrace your inner work, express your truth, and reconnect with your authentic self.

Memorable Quotes

"I was cracking up the other day because here I am, 30 years old, living with my parents, dealing with porn addiction, compulsive masturbation, insomnia— all these things going on. As I'm healing, it's like my parents are out of town, and I feel like Kevin McAllister in Home Alone, stepping outside going, 'I'm not afraid anymore.' But then, of course, that guy down the street shows up and I realize, okay, I'm still afraid. That's what these past weeks have been like."

"I knew that the deeper need of pornography was me looking to be held, for intimacy, and I confused it with sex. I took on the programming of pornography—so when that moment arises where you feel lonely and want to be held, it means that you want to have sex or consume sexual content. But what I actually needed was intimacy, to be held."

"For so many years, I was sharing things I thought were cool designs so people would accept me. Now I'm excited to finally share the things that move me, not the things that keep me safe."

Connect with Kevin

Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/kev.net_

Resources Mentioned

King, Warrior, Magician, Lover: Rediscovering Masculinity Through the Lens of Archetypal Psychology - A Journey into the Male Psyche and Its Four Essential Aspects - https://amzn.to/4nGVN3R

Connect with Greg

Website - https://www.healing4d.com/

Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/4d_healing/

YouTube - https://www.youtube.com/@gregschmaus

LinkedIn - https://www.linkedin.com/in/greg-schmaus-22929589/

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Mentioned in this episode:

Embark on The HTM Journey

MHMW - HTM

I remember I was really struggling with my sleep. Like, what

really led me to lead up to you is I was awake for four days

straight, and I couldn't fall asleep. And it was like my heart was

in, like, a fluttering palpitation the entire time. And it

was like, okay, I didn't sleep last night. That means I'll sleep the next night.

And, okay, if I can just maintain, like,

composure, maybe I'll sleep this night. And then, like, at the end of day three,

I was like, I might be getting brain damage at this point.

And I was just terrified. I've been using

spirituality and other means to reject

myself and repress who I am, and I was just

finally ready to ask for help. In a world moving

faster than our minds were designed to handle, mental health is becoming one of the

defining challenges of our time. Welcome to Mental Health in a Modern

World with holistic health practitioner Greg Schmauss. After

overcoming severe anxiety and OCD in his own life, Greg

dedicated the past decade to helping others heal through a fully integrated

approach to mental health, combining lifestyle coaching, psycho emotional

healing, mindfulness, and archetypal work. Over the years,

he's facilitated thousands of sessions guiding people back to peace,

clarity, and a deeper connection with themselves. Each week,

Greg shares powerful solo insights, conversations with leading voices

in holistic healing, and immersive live coaching sessions that take you

inside the healing process itself. New episodes every Friday.

Follow the show and start reclaiming sovereignty over your mind in a modern

world. Here's Greg. Kev,

welcome to the podcast, man. Thank you for having me.

I'm excited to have you. And this was a spontaneous

thing that we just planned about 24 hours ago. Yeah. During

our regularly scheduled session. Yeah. So I'd

love for you to just share, just as we get started,

you know, any background that you'd like to share about yourself

and or what inspired you to reach out to me. I'm trying

to think, when you and I connected, was it like a year ago? It was

February of last year. Okay. A little bit over a year ago that

you and I connected and did quite a bit of work together. Yeah. That

January, I remember I was really struggling with my

sleep. Like, what really led me to lead up to you is I

was awake for four days straight and I couldn't fall asleep. And it was like

my heart was in, like, a fluttering palpitation the

entire time, and it was like, okay, I didn't sleep last night. That means I'll

sleep the next night. And. Okay, if I can just maintain,

like, composure, maybe I'll Sleep this night. And then, like, at the end of day

three, I was like, I might be getting brain damage at this point.

And I was just terrified, like, this might just keep going

on. And I had heard you on a

podcast, I think, with Paul Check, and you're talking about the

archetypes. And I had recently read King, Warrior, Magician, Lover,

and just, like, the union style of talking about the

archetypes. And it really gave me,

like, a framework to understand what's been going on inside of me.

And I started using these

after leaving a few years involved in Korea yoga

and to let go of that and realize that I've been

using spirituality and other means

to reject myself and repress who I am.

And I was just finally ready to ask for help. Yeah.

I was thinking, like, oh, I need to, like, see if he's right for me.

And then I remember we got on that call, and I was just like, will

you please help me? I was so just, like, on my

knees, like, I need help, and I think you can help me.

And I think it was that second session we found

an abandonment wound, an attachment injury. And I had a

full body, like, energy block release. And I, like, my hands

were contorting, and I couldn't move. And I was like, do I do I can't

move my hands? And that was

my introduction to connecting with Mother Earth,

Letting her take that energy

and opening myself up to

intimacy, really, which is what I'm still struggling with now is

my fear of intimacy. And I feel like I've come. Come such

a long way just by connecting with the earth and the sun and

the moon a lot, too. It's been a big

shift in my life, connecting with these

planetary entities that are constantly dancing and learning how

to dance with what is going on inside my body. Beautiful.

Beautiful. And so today we were gonna do a

little piece of work together. And so would you say

that the fear of intimacy is kind of like

the cornerstone of what you like to focus on? Yeah.

That is. I feel like everything's been leading up

to this point. You know, finding my parts and

discovering my power animals and what my dream is

and all these incredible things,

but also wanting to touch on

how my usage of pornography, how that

turned into an addiction and a coping mechanism for my fear

of intimacy. And how as

I've integrated the healing, the programming that I unknowingly took on

is getting blown out of my system, and it's

causing a lot of chaos, you know, internally. Yeah.

And I'm so grateful that you're willing dive into

this topic, you know, on this platform, pornography

addiction is something that is so prevalent right

now. Yeah. And so many men that I'm working with are coming

with these challenges. I'm just very grateful that you're willing to

open that up in this recorded session together. Yeah.

I was cracking up the other day because 30 years old, living with his

parents, porn addiction, compulsive masturbation,

insomniac, like, all these things going on. And as I'm healing, it's like my

parents are out of town and it's like I feel like Kevin McAllister in

Home Alone. And I'm stepping outside going, I'm not afraid anymore.

I'm not afraid anymore. But then of course, you know,

that guy down the street shows up with his shovel and he goes

and. Yeah, that's what, like these past three weeks have been like. We're like, I'm

not afraid anymore. And then all of a sudden, like intense guttural pain.

Last night I was like, what did I just sign up for? Like, I'm gonna

have to share, but I'm so excited to share and

really just looking forward to

this, like, new phase in my life where I feel comfortable talking about these things

and kind of holding space for people that are going through similar things.

Because I've been witnessing a lot of people sharing,

like deep, deep wounds. And I feel so inspired when I

hear them talk. I was like, they're doing. That's what the work is. They're

doing the work, they're sharing. And I'm learning how to

listen and connect with them.

And I think, like, that's what's been holding

so many of us back of like, true connection and true intimacy is because we're

ashamed of what we do and

we're ashamed to share it. Well, this is why I love doing

parts work, which is what we'll start with, is because

parts work, you know, allows us to explore

ourselves as this multiplicity of parts, a lot of which are

protectors and all protectors, even though

they sometimes carry out what we would classify

as sabotaging or self destructive behaviors,

all have good intentions. And so we'll explore that a little

bit together. So why don't we dive into it?

Saboteur. Yeah. The archetype I work with this month.

Perfect. Perfect timing to overcome that. Yes.

In this episode Together. So what I'd love to do

is go inward together.

So if you're open to, just start by closing your

eyes and just directing your awareness inward.

And I'm wondering if we start with that Part which sounds like it was a

protector that was a little hesitant with you

coming on to this platform and sharing

maybe the one that was creating some of the stomach pain.

And maybe we need to start there before we go any deeper, just

so we can create more of a field of safety.

Yeah. And so where would you find that part

somewhere around your body? It's in my

abdomen, just above the belly button.

And what do you notice about that part when you just begin to

focus on it? Initially,

It's interesting how yesterday it was intense pain there,

but at this moment, it's like I can feel

every area but that spot.

There's a numbness.

And if you ask this part what it's afraid

of in terms of you stepping

into the space, I'm just curious

what it might say.

That if I open up this new way of being,

it, like, kills who I think I am and I have to step into the

unknown.

So this part's protecting you from almost

like a death and rebirth stepping into

unknown territory. Yeah. And it would rather

you stay with the status quo of who you've

been? Yes. Yeah. Does that make

sense to you? It does. And how do you

feel towards this part who's been trying to protect

you in this way? I feel incredibly

curious and very

compassionate because he's.

He's been with me the whole time. Yeah.

He's the one that leads back to my earliest

memories of not being

able to sleep at night because there I'm seeing

dark figures standing around my bed. So it sounds like this

part has been with you for a long time. Yeah.

Because all my other parts, they present themselves as a

version of me, and he's the one that is older than me.

I'm wondering if we can get curious about that,

why this part presents itself as older than you

that looked like they knew what they were doing.

Someone had capacity to protect me.

Sounds like this part has been protecting you since

you were very young. Yeah.

How old? At least two.

And so this part's been protecting you since you're two years old.

I'm wondering how old it thinks you are now. It

knows I'm 30 years old. And so knowing

that you're a grown man at 30 years old,

does it still have the same fears

as it did back then or have. Have things

changed at all for this part? Because obviously you've changed.

Yeah, things have changed a lot.

When I would share what I would see,

I was just constantly told it wasn't real.

And I think that's the true

vulnerability that I was really afraid to share is

when I. When I talk about

what I see, People

think I'm crazy.

And I can see the way they look at me changes.

And I just feel that much more alone.

Like there is a part of me that isn't acceptable

to be seen. It feels really good to let go

of that. Yeah.

So it sounds like this part is probably

protecting an exile that had its

reality denied. Yeah.

And was told to believe that it was crazy

or that what it was experiencing wasn't legitimate. Yeah.

Was always. Your eyes are playing tricks on you.

How are you feeling towards this part as you're getting to really know

the role that it's been playing for a very long time?

The curiosity is just endless. Yeah.

So as you're curious, just see if there's anything more that this

protector needs you to know

before we move forward. So as I was

sharing, I guess

to give some context, he presents himself as a warrior

cloaked in black. And he wields a sword.

And it's like a Persian style curved sword.

And it's beautiful. Jewel encrusted.

And

now and many times before, he has taken that sword

out and given it to me. And I think I'm

understanding how to pick it up. The responsibility

of wielding that sword of discernment

and stepping into the warrior archetype

that he's been holding for me.

Beautiful. So it sounds like this protector does

have quite a bit of trust in you.

Yeah. Yeah.

It wasn't easy. Yeah.

And so would this part be willing to open up some

space in your body and

allow for us to explore a little further

together? Yeah.

He's welcoming.

Great. So just thank it for

opening up that space for you.

Thank you.

And now we're at a little bit of a crossroads

because we have some options. We

could ask this part to show us where that

young child is who had its reality denied

and we can go retrieve them. Or we could

go in a little bit of a different direction with the fear

of intimacy and exploring that. So just

check in and see which path are we going to take.

They might be connected. I

just hear take the scenic route,

which I know is the fear of intimacy.

Great. How does that feel for you?

Feels good. Right.

And so let's start to get curious now

about this part that does fear intimacy

and where you might find that part somewhere around your body,

that is of lower part

that is about three or four

years old when we discovered him

identifying as the saboteur.

But now we'll show up as

like a wizard or a magician.

And he's Accompanied with a praying mantis. What do you

notice about this young part? Just initially, as you focus

on him, I'm feeling energy expanding

throughout my body coming from that spot.

That magician finds this amusing. There's like a

cave that he sits on top of.

And see if you can ask him what his fear is,

that fear of intimacy that he still carries,

as there's like this.

Well of energy

that I've felt, the need to

put a cap on

because it felt too much to

share. And there is that

deeper wound of.

It's bringing me up to my throat, the part of me

that

had to

shut down when my

mother would drop me off at daycare

and I would have a full meltdown

every day.

And at some point I had to

shut myself off of her intimacy

because to have it taken away

on a daily basis, it was too

much. Right.

So what I was hearing is this part carries,

number one, the fear of being too much if

it was fully expressed. And number two,

the separation between this part

and its mother each day going to daycare was also too

much. Yeah. Yeah. And it's.

Wow. I'm seeing how it's all tying in because it

drops into my heart, which

is the orphan child and the king,

and I'm seeing the scorpion, which is

a power animal, in my stomach,

and how its tail comes up

and then back down into my heart.

And that's part because of the fear of being

too much and withholding

myself. Now I carry this fear of

not being enough. I can't

be present because I'm afraid

of opening up and being too much

and then. So I can't show up

for intimacy to happen. And as you're getting to know this part in

this way, how are you feeling towards it?

I find it all quite beautiful,

the way it's flowing and the way they

share. And so if you let him know that.

That you really see him in that light, see how he

reacts to you. I feel really

warm. I'm really curious this

part's awareness of you. So before

we move forward, let's check in about.

Yeah, there's. There's just a lot of activity

going on. There's a lot of spiraling.

I'm seeing two dragons

spiraling in me

and they're bumping into each other and they're fighting

each other. Now, do you want to engage

those dragons or would you like to invite them to

open up some space so we can stay with this young part?

Just check in about that.

I'm just. I'm just getting this signal to

just Let it open and give them room.

Give them room to dance.

Yeah. There's a fear of letting go of these parts as well.

Well, let the parts know that we don't let go

of. But they do transform.

I just heard, like, if you open,

we'll die. Now, before

we move forward, let's just get curious.

Which part is speaking that? Is that the

young child that we're working with, or is that the protector

that we started with?

That's what I'm trying to figure out. Awesome.

I don't know. It's like maybe they're merging right now.

I've never worked with all of them like this. I'll see if

they can stay unblended. Just so we always know who's

speaking

in my throat.

I just hear, I'm ready.

I'm ready to be seen. Yeah.

And we're here to help the parts that are still afraid of them.

Yeah. Back into my stomach.

It seemed I need to have everyone

involved in the

conversation. Great.

So as you bring everyone in, just check in and see

who still needs our attention.

Yeah. The warrior.

And since that warrior stepped back in, what does it need from

us in order to keep that

space open? I'm seeing the

sword sticking

into my stomach and maybe inquire

why this part is showing you that

it's like a chosen death. And do you want

to let the part know that you're good with it,

that you welcome it?

Yeah. So make sure it knows that.

Yeah, it's ready. That's what the sign was

as far as this part knows.

I just need to let go of that.

Feels incredible. So I'm wondering if there's an

opportunity to come

back to the part in your pelvis that

was carrying that fear of intimacy, that really young part.

Do you feel like you're able to come back to it now?

Oh, Lord. Let's see.

My hands are.

Really tingling. Wow.

So it's important as we come back to him

that we can really stay with him.

Right. Because we need to build that attachment

and connection between you and him.

Okay.

I'm in there. Great. And how are you feeling towards him

now? Thank you.

And what are you noticing about him when you refocus on him now?

Okay. There is more.

See if there's more that he needs you to know or

wants to share.

Movement is my medicine.

Dancing is how I heal. It sounds like

this part knows that. Yeah. And, you know, that's what he was telling

me. And he has something

to give me. Great.

What is it that he has to give you?

It's it was like a ball that

opened up. It's really, really power

Sa.

See if you can ground your route.

See if you can allow energy to move but not be taken over by

it.

Oh, okay.

See if you can come back to this young part in your pelvis now.

Okay.

Damn. And let him know that

you're here to help him

and see how he responds to you.

He says that's just a little taste.

Taste of what?

Hang on.

What? I've been holding back.

And how does he feel allowing all that to be expressed?

I have to keep dancing

and he can keep flowing.

Yeah. Yeah. For too long, I was stagnant.

And for him to open that up would have really hurt me.

When I was doing my

Kriya yoga practice, I had a really

intense pain in my pelvis. It hurt

really bad.

And he was holding all that back.

I needed to find the

practices that were right for

who I am.

It sounds like you found that. Yeah.

See if there's anything he needs to share about the fear that he

still carries as he is

letting go of it. Great.

In due time, it will be moved.

It still requires my participation.

And how does he need you to show up in

order for that process to continue?

Making time to be ourselves

and express ourselves and share ourselves.

Not sharing has been

like putting a cork

on a flowing pipe, like the dam of a river.

And does he trust you to pull that cork?

We pulled it. Great. The cork

has been pulled. Awesome. I am being

destroyed.

That sounds like this part is okay with that.

Yeah. Great. And

the parts in my heart and my throat,

they feel like now we can live.

It felt so unstable to

expose my heart and use my voice because I

didn't have a stable ground.

I wasn't grounded. My root

wasn't connected with the earth,

Wasn't connected with who I really was. Yeah.

And so how do those parts feel now? Everybody's

dancing. Great.

Now here's my final question for you.

And some of these parts,

Was pornography the release

valve? As a result of that quirk,

Pornography was the alternate route.

Right. It was a redirection.

And maybe a necessary pressure valve at the time.

Yeah. I get a lot of visions of trains.

It's all coming to a crossroads now. I see.

Yeah. So clearly how

to engage in pornography was to actively pull that lever

and switch the tracks.

Yeah. But to not even go anywhere, to go into a docking

station, go into a train yard, and just sit there.

And so I'm wondering, as we close,

if we identify and release

your unconscious contract with pornography,

how does that sound? Yeah, let's do it. Great.

So the contract would sound something like this. I, Kevin.

I, Kevin. Solemnly swear to my essential self.

Solemnly swear to my essential self that I

will utilize pornography. And I will utilize

pornography. And

masturbation. And masturbation. In order to.

In order to. In order

to what? In order to release the

pressure of not expressing myself fully.

No, because it never did that. Okay.

In order to

distract myself from myself.

From what I'm afraid to

step into.

In order to distract myself from who I am.

In order to distract myself from who I am. No matter the cost to

myself. No matter the cost to myself. So let's have

you say that out loud from start to finish. I, Kevin. I,

Kevin. Solemnly swear to utilize

pornography and masturbation in order to.

In order to distract myself

from being myself, no matter the cost to

myself. Great.

Now breathe. Step into your essential

self,

And let's ask Kevin's essential self. Did you hear that contract?

Yes. And with the work

that we just did, do you still need that contract?

I do not. Shall we release it?

We shall. Great. As

our essential self. As our essential self.

I release myself from this contract. I release

myself from this contract. And I revoke this vow.

And I revoke this vow.

If you were to hand that contract over to one of the elements,

Earth, water, fire or wind,

what would you like to give it over to? I'd like to mulch

it in the garden of Mother Earth. Great.

So let's give that contract to the earth, and now

let's fill it back up with something. Let's replace

it. Instead of this contract, I offer myself

the blessing of. I offer myself the blessing

of showing up for who I am,

for my heart, for my creativity. To meet

my needs so I'm available

to be who I am and be seen in that state.

Beautiful. Just allow that

integrate into each cell of your body.

We can call that a software update.

Then just check in with your system and see if that feels complete for

now. Yeah. Just another moment. Sure.

I just need to stand.

Wow. Gently, sweetly.

I return. Welcome back.

That was the craziest session we've ever had.

Well, I'm glad we get to share it with the world. Yeah.

I feel so good. That was quite a journey.

Thank you for

sticking with it. You're welcome.

Confronting my tendency to go, oh, I'm healed now. It's over.

There's always a deeper layer.

Totally. You know, one thing that

I'd love for you to speak on, because this is a big

topic in the realm of addiction. Yeah. Is where we

forgo authenticity to secure.

To secure our attachments. Yeah. I'm

curious if you want to share any words

regarding your experience of that, because that's a lot of the saboteur

as we sabotage that. Well, yeah, I also wanted to

share because we did that contract, and it

was really beautiful, but kind of repeatedly

revoked and

replaced because it's been eight months

of no pornography. And I feel. I felt the way I felt

the moment it happened, and which was like, I can't

treat myself like that anymore because I

became painfully aware of what I was

welcoming into my system. There was, like, that weak span

that led up to last October's Men

of Movement retreat. Mm. And

when I would lay in bed at night, I would see this,

like, ghoul with a serpent tail, and he had,

like, a. A rusty, battered sword, and

he was just, you know, wagging his tail and just looking at me. I

was like, you have something to share with me.

And I just got the messages like, this is what you've been inviting

into you. Every time you

engage with something, you open the door

and you welcome it in. And so

I was dealing with. Still with compulsion.

And I knew that the deeper need

of pornography was me looking to be held

for intimacy.

And I confused it with

sex. And I took on the

programming of pornography and

showed me, like, when that moment arises of her, like, you feel lonely

and you want to be held. It means that you want to have sex

or consume, like, sexual content.

And. Well, actually, I had tried to quit pornography for a

few years, and I had this big realization.

Like, I'm constantly

fantasizing. It's like, you see someone that's

attractive, and then there's this, like, fantasy going on, and it's like,

I feel disgusting. I'm objectifying them.

I'm putting no effort into seeing who they truly are. And

that was still happening after quitting the pornography.

And that's when I realized that

this is not a healed wound. There's still, you know, stuff bubbling

around in there. It wasn't until, you know, the past three weeks

that when the desire. The deep desire to be

held showed up, it actually. I actually understood that it was to be held.

And so there was a moment where I was working on an

illustration, and the

feeling comes up, and it's like, oh, no, I have to take

care of this. And then I laid down,

and I was thinking I was going to engage in that,

but I was like, I don't want to do this right now. Why am I

doing it? And it's like, is this even me? Am I

having this urge? And when I

asked that question, and I just let the urge

expand and stop trying to contain it,

you know, my body shook and it flew around,

and I felt things, like, blowing out of my system.

And I understood, like, what was really going on was

I wasn't feeding the entity that I

took on the parasite. And for the past three weeks,

it's been really chaotic in my body. Intense, you

know, like, nausea. It was very similar

to the experience that happened when I integrated

healing around pornography and I had a death experience.

My clairvoyance opened up. It was like fractal geometry

coming at me at 100 miles an hour. And I

was sharing things I was seeing with people I knew.

And I just knew, like, I had to run away.

And luckily, I was planning a trip up north, but I

left, you know, two days early and

met up with you in San Francisco and was just like, what is going

on with me? I created a whole

prophecy that I was going to meet

a woman who was going to be my soul mate, and you were going to

introduce me to her. And it was

like, my. I'm healed, and everything I'm wanting is now coming

true, and now I'm going to drive up there and my life is going to

change. And it was like I was on, like, six grams of mushrooms

for five days straight. I mean, it was. It was crazy for, you know,

like, my family and stuff, but it's was one of the best weeks of my

life. Just, I was having so much fun.

But the comedown was incredibly,

you know, low. And when you said, you know, I'm going up to Mount Shas

right now, I think you should join me. That trip was so

inspiring to be able to, like, cry in front of other men

and the men put their hand on my shoulder. It just showed me, like,

you can share and you can be safe. And that's really what

kind of compounded the months after

and just like, giving me the courage to

go deeper. And what is the real need and what is the safety

that I need to cultivate into, you know, getting those

needs met? And

how can I experience intimacy within myself? And

it. It let. It eventually led me to Somatic Dance,

which has become my main practice. And

I've had. I mean, I haven't had something like that happen, but

in past energy releases I've had, that we've had together, I've had

in Somatic Dance. And I just started

sharing what addictions I've

struggled with, because to talk about pornography,

it Just feels so shameful. Like, I couldn't stop using it

and I'm still healing from it. And also, like, the fear of

being heard is a big fear of mine. And in Somatic Dance, I'm

screaming as loud as I can. And then after

class, people say, I love how you scream because it helps me scream,

it helps me release. And it's like I'm

putting myself in these positions where I'm being seen and people are saying, thank you.

And then all of a sudden I'm like,

oh, then I can actually share

and I can take you up on this opportunity that you've provided me,

which is to be vulnerable to everybody.

Yeah. You know, when

you were sharing, a couple things that were rising up in me is.

First is, you know, from a shamanic perspective, everything carries a spirit.

Mm. And so when we take things into us, especially nowadays

through technology, there are thought forms, there are

what we would call entities that enter our

energy field and they want to feed

themselves. Yeah. And so a lot of the choices that people

make are not coming from their own agency.

They're coming from these energies that are already living inside of

themselves. Just like how, you know, a lot of people think this

is woo woo or this is crazy. But, you know,

there's a lot of research that shows, for example, like, parasites or certain

organisms in the gut will drive your food choices because

they feed off certain nutrients. Like sugar. Yeah, they love sugar.

Right. There's even, you know, studies show that certain

parasites are more common in

people that are prisoners in jail. Really?

Like, toxoplasmosis is one of the common parasites, that

there's actually a higher crime rate

with people that carry that specific parasite.

And the other thing is, you know, a lot of people

try and heal addictions through

willpower. Yeah. And I've never

seen that to actually work. No, it hasn't worked for me.

Yeah. Because when it comes to trauma

and when it comes to unconscious contracts, our

unhealed trauma and our unconscious contracts are so much

more powerful than willpower,

and it will lose every time. And the challenge that happens is

when people try and use willpower, and they

inevitably fail or fall off the wagon or

relapse, you end up creating what's called a shame

cycle, an addiction cycle,

which is the very shame that we create from falling off

the wagon, so to speak, is actually the

same emotion that we were using that substance or that

vice in the first place to medicate. And so it becomes

this negative feedback loop that also keeps us stuck.

Yeah. And it just reaffirms Your. The

fear you have of ever overcoming just keeps

going. Yeah, you've. You've been trying and it's never worked. Right,

Right. Yeah. Because another thing that I. I

overcame was just media consumption.

And I would. Just. Because I. I also

dealt just with impulsivity, where I was a compulsive eater. And,

you know, how can I get this into my body the fastest? And I thought

it was healthy because everything I ate was organic and, you know, had

a very balanced diet. But I would just take

handfuls of like, oh, I need to get my greens in, and I would just

shuffle it in my mouth, and then I would do that with knowledge.

It's like, oh, I'm. I'm reading, you know, about archetypes or mythology,

or I'm getting good information, but it's like

I'm binging it late into the night,

destroying my sleep and

the awareness that I had to just observe

my body. When the urge to masturbate came up,

which was, I think, the most difficult thing to do, it became

really easy to the urge to look at your phone or to

check something when there's no reason to check it and get lost

in this cycle of looking at information.

And so, like, the past three weeks have been no media,

no masturbation, just dancing,

eating good meals, going to work,

you know, showing up and being more charismatic there

and having these really powerful experiences in Somatic

Dance. Somatic Dance. It was actually like, if I didn't have that, I don't know

if I could have done what I did.

Yeah. Well, it sounds like you found

your medicine. Yeah. And to give a shout out to

Gina Victoria. She is my Somatic Dance

priestess behind the lids in Costa Mesa, every Monday,

Wednesday, Friday.

Cool. So, Kev, last thing I

want to share with our listeners is that you are

an incredible artist. Thank you. And so if people

want to check out some of your absolutely incredible art, which I've had

the pleasure of getting to experience, where would you like

to direct people? So I'm just now coming into

actually sharing the art that I

feel is truly creative. So it's not a lot out

yet. I did share something that I will just

reveal, which is beautiful. I shared that with you

on Mother's Day, and that is the

internal mother that I found within myself.

And it was just the part of me that was whispering, take good care

of yourself. Show up. You know, don't go too fast. Be gentle. It's

now the time to be gentle. So my

Instagram is kev.net_

k e v.net_ and I'm

planning to share more stuff. I'm working on a myth, writing my own

personal myth, and I'm kind of turning it into a fairy tale.

And I'm very excited to

finally share the things that move me,

not the things that keep me safe. Yeah.

For so many years, I was sharing, like, oh, this is a really cool design,

and people are going to like this, and they'll accept me if I put this

out. Well, I hope this session continues to

open the floodgates. Yeah. And I hope this

session and this episode also inspires all of you

listening in to allow your floodgates to open,

because we need it, and the world needs it.

Yeah. Which is authentic creative expression.

Yeah. I had this realization at the end of a somatic

dance, and a woman was sharing just some heavy stuff about

her childhood and her fear of community. And everyone else

in the group had to go but me, Gina and her stayed. And then she

shared something really, really powerful. And she

broke down crying. And I just

immediately, instinctually took a

meditation pose and just sat there and breathed while Gina held her

as she cried.

And I just saw, like, this is what we're up against in humanity.

We're hurting really badly.

And there are the

forces, the people, whatever, that are pumping out

negativity and harmful information.

They're playing big. They're playing really big,

and they're not stopping, and they're doing a good job.

And so there's, like, a war going on. But to fight it, we

have to stop fighting and just share who we are. And the

best thing that we can do for someone else is just be a good example

and be a reminder to take care of yourself and possibly inspire

them to share as well. And so I felt

so inspired by her sharing. And I actually

had a lot of stuff come up about my mother, who

is a physical therapist for children

with disabilities. And there were a lot of

times where she would be late and I wouldn't know where she was,

and I would cry in the hallway at school because she didn't show up, and.

But she was helping a child who can't move. She was

helping someone move. And when I saw Gina,

who has a. Who has a son, and she was going to be late

to pick him up from school, and I just saw the beauty of

what she was doing when she was holding someone who

needed to be held. Yeah. And

it gave me so much compassion for

the child within me that was hurt. And then for my mother, who,

you know, she has to deal with that pain, too, of not being there for

her son. Because I see Gina was like, oh, God,

like, I have to make it up to him. And, yeah,

it's just a beautiful scene down there.

That somatic dance. Beautiful. Kev,

thank you so much for coming on the show. Of course. Thank you for your

courage. Thank you for your vulnerability, and thank

you for being such a bright light for all of us. Thank you.

I did it. I shared. You did it. And I didn't die.

Well, I did it away. You did. I did

die. You were also reborn, and I was reborn.

Thank you to all the listeners. If you enjoyed this episode, please share it,

and I look forward to sharing another wonderful

episode with you all next week. Bye. Bye.

Thank you.