For more information on how to control your anger, visit angersecrets.com.

Have you ever said, “You made me so mad”? In this episode, anger expert Alastair Duhs unpacks the hidden cost of blaming others for your anger—and the freedom that comes when you take full responsibility for your actions.

If you’re ready to step out of blame, stop the cycle of conflict and take back control of your emotions, this episode offers the insights and tools you need to begin.

Key Takeaways:

-Blaming others for your anger gives away your power and keeps you stuck in reactive, unhealthy patterns.

-Taking responsibility for your actions means owning your choices, not justifying or excusing hurtful behavior.

-Four common reasons people avoid responsibility include fear of consequences, family conditioning, entitlement and shame.

-Real change begins with acknowledging your actions, accepting the consequences, and committing to a plan for change.

-Anger management programs provide essential skills for managing emotions in real time—something therapy often doesn’t cover.

-Taking ownership of your anger is a courageous step that leads to more respectful, loving, and empowered relationships.

Links referenced in this episode:

angersecrets.com — Learn more about anger management

angersecrets.com/training — Watch the free training: Breaking The Anger Cycle

angersecrets.com/course — Enroll in The Complete Anger Management System

Think about the last time you snapped at someone.

Maybe you said, you made me so mad, or if only they hadn't done that, I wouldn't have lost it in the moment.

Those words may feel true, as if your partner, your kids, or that driver on the road has the power to control your actions.

But here's the hidden trap.

Every time you blame someone else for your actions, you give away your power.

You hand over the steering wheel of your own emotions and instead of being in control, you're at the mercy of whatever anyone else does or says.

That pattern of blaming others might feel easier in the short term, but it costs you in the long run.

It damages trust, it creates distance and relationships, and it leaves you stuck in the same old dysfunctional patterns.

Welcome to episode 159 of the Anger Secrets podcast.

I'm your host Alistair Jewes, and for over 30 years I've taught thousands of men and women to control their anger, take responsibility for their actions, and build calmer, happier and more loving relationships.

And in this episode I'll show you why Taking responsibility for your actions is one of the most freeing steps you can take.

Now, before we get started, if you'd like help right now to manage your anger, including access to a powerful free training on how to break the anger cycle, head over to my website angasecrets.com there's a link there to access that free training.

Or if you'd like to chat personally with me about your situation, you can also book a free 30 minute anger assessment call with me.

I look forward to talking with you.

With that said, let's begin with the opposite of blaming others for your actions, namely how to take responsibility for your actions.

So what does taking responsibility for your actions mean?

In my opinion, taking responsibility for your actions means acknowledging that your actions are your own and that you are the only one who can control them.

Taking responsibility for your actions also means that you do not blame others for your actions or try to justify them.

While taking responsibility for for your actions sounds simple, it can be difficult in practice.

There can be many reasons for this, but the four most common reasons I encounter for people not taking responsibility for their actions reason 1 fear of consequences reason 2 family upbringing reason 3 beliefs of entitlement and reason 4 fear of shame.

Lets look at each of these reasons.

Fear of Consequences One of the main reasons people don't take responsibility for their actions is that they are afraid of the consequences of their actions.

This fear can stem from a variety of sources such as past experiences of being punished or criticised for their actions or a perceived threat to to their physical or emotional safety.

For example, if you were raised in an environment where you were frequently punished for making mistakes, you may carry this fear into adulthood.

As a result, the thought of taking responsibility for your actions may evoke intense feelings of fear and anxiety.

While it's natural to be fearful of the negative consequences of your actions, taking responsibility is a necessary step towards change.

It allows you to face the consequences of your actions with courage and honesty, ultimately leading to a better understanding of yourself and your emotions.

Family Upbringing Another reason people struggle with taking responsibility for their actions is due to their family upbringing.

If you were raised in a home where blaming others was a common response to conflict, you may have internalized this behaviour as your way of dealing with anger and emotions.

Growing up in such an environment can make it difficult for individuals to break the cycle of blame and take responsibility for their actions.

In this case, understanding how your family upbringing has has influenced your behavior is an essential step towards change.

Beliefs of Entitlement A third reason people don't take responsibility for their actions is due to beliefs of entitlement.

This means that you may think that you are entitled to behave a certain way and that others should simply accept it.

This entitlement often manifests in various ways, such as believing you have the right to yell at your partner because they deserve it, or behaving aggressively towards someone who has wronged you.

While it's essential to stand up for yourself and set boundaries, this should not come at the expense of others.

Understanding and challenging your beliefs of entitlement is crucial in learning how to control your anger.

Reason 4 fear of shame the final reason people struggle with taking responsibility for their actions is the fear of shame.

Nobody wants to feel ashamed or guilty and it's natural to want to avoid these emotions.

However, by not taking responsibility for your actions, you are not only avoiding these emotions, but also preventing yourself from from learning and growing.

Shame is often accompanied by feelings of powerlessness and worthlessness.

By acknowledging that you were wrong and taking responsibility for your actions, you are actively countering these feelings and empowering yourself to make positive changes in the future.

Now that we have explored the four most common reasons why people struggle with with taking responsibility, let's move on to how you can start taking responsibility in your everyday life.

Remember, taking responsibility for your actions is vital to controlling your anger.

When you take responsibility, you give yourself the power to choose different actions in the future.

So how do you take responsibility for your actions?

When I work with clients, I teach them many ways to take responsibility for their actions.

Here are three of the most powerful steps I encourage clients to take responsibility for their actions.

STEP 1 Acknowledge your actions the first step to taking responsibility for your actions is simply to acknowledge your actions.

No matter how unpleasant this may be, it's essential to recognize and accept that your actions were your own, regardless of any outside influences.

It is also vital to acknowledge that your actions have consequences for yourself and others.

For example, if you said or done hurtful things to your partner during an argument, acknowledge that it was your choice to do so and take responsibility for the pain you caused.

Do not blame your partner for your actions or try to justify them.

Remember, you are in control of yourself and nothing your partner does or says can justify you responding in an angry, abusive or violent way.

Accept the consequences of your actions the second step to taking responsibility for your actions is to accept the consequences of your actions regardless of whether they are positive or negative.

For example, if you have acted abusively in your relationship, a very real consequence of your actions may be that your partner is scared or frightened of you.

This fear may last a long time and it will likely profoundly impact your relationship, perhaps forever.

I have met many people, for instance, who believe that their partner should get over the abuse they inflicted after a few days, weeks or months, but this is not how it works.

It is not your partner's responsibility to get over your actions.

It is your responsibility to accept the consequences of your actions and work towards repairing the damage you have caused.

As mentioned, this can take time and perhaps a long time, but it is necessary for your partner's healing and the repair of your relationship.

Make a plan to change your actions in the future the third step to taking responsibility for your actions is making a plan to change your actions in the future.

This does not mean apologizing to your partner and saying it will never happen again.

The reality is that unless you plan to change your behaviour, your behaviour will likely repeat.

Instead, take the time to reflect on what led to your actions and how you can change your behaviour in similar situations in the future.

This may involve seeking professional help, such as enrolling in a local or online anger management program.

A good anger management program will teach you how to recognise the signs that you are getting angry, how to deal with your anger constructively, and how to avoid expressing anger in an abusive or violent way.

You can find anger management programs in your area online or by asking your doctor for a referral.

Alternatively, I offer one on one coaching sessions and a powerful online course for those who want to control their anger quickly and effectively.

When it comes to anger management, I believe experience is the key and few people are as experienced as I am in helping people control their anger, master their emotions and create calmer, happier relationships.

You can find out more about my coaching and online course@AngerSecrets.com Remember, taking responsibility for your actions is not always easy, but it is necessary for your personal growth and the health of your relationships.

When you take responsibility for your actions, you are choosing to be in control of yourself and your future.

You are choosing to grow and change for the better and that is a powerful decision indeed.

So let's recap what we have learned today.

People often struggle with taking responsibility for their actions due to fear of consequences, family upbringing, beliefs of entitlement and the fear of shame.

Taking responsibility for your actions is crucial in controlling anger and fostering healthier relationships.

To take responsibility for your actions, you must acknowledge them, accept the consequences, and make a plan to change your behaviour in the future.

Seeking professional help or guidance can greatly assist in learning how to take responsibility for your actions and control your anger.

By taking responsibility for your actions, you are empowering yourself to grow and make positive changes in the future.

Be brave, be humble and take ownership of your choices and actions to create a better life for yourself and those around you.

Remember too, change starts with you.

So start today by taking responsibility for your actions and and creating a calmer, more peaceful and happier life.

Remember too, that help is available.

With the right support, you can learn how to take responsibility for your actions, control your anger and create happier, healthier and more respectful relationships.

Okay, there you have it.

How to Stop blaming Others and take Responsibility.

If this episode was helpful for you, I'd love it if you'd hit that follow button and maybe leave a quick podcast review.

This helps others find the podcast and it might be the exact thing someone else needs to hear today.

And if you're ready to take the next step in controlling your anger once and for all, book a free call with me or watch my free training@angercrets.com I look forward to helping you on your journey towards creating a calmer, happier and healthier life.

And finally, remember, you can't control other people, but you can control yourself.

I'll see you in the next episode.

Take care.

The Anger Secrets Podcast is for general informational purposes only and does not constitute the practice of counseling, psychotherapy or any other professional health service.

No therapeutic relationship is implied or created by this podcast.

If you have mental health concerns of any type, please seek out the help of a local mental health professional.