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“Remember That You Must Die”
12th January 2023 • The Science of Self • Peter Hollins
00:00:00 00:21:23

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Shownotes

• The ancient Stoics were masters of living in the present.

• One way of rethinking your relationship to the past is to adopt the Stoic attitude of amor fati. This translates roughly to “love of one’s fate.” Whatever happens is embraced, wanting “nothing to be different.” To practice it, look at events as neutrally as possible and then respond to them with a simple mantra like “good.” By focusing on action and solutions, we are able to transform adversity.


• Negative visualization is where we occasionally spend a short amount of time imagining in detail the negative things that could happen in life. This renews appreciation and gratitude for what matters, allows us to prepare for the future, and creates psychological resilience.


• With the “what-if” technique, we write down a fear and ask, “What if this were true?” and explore the worst that could happen, showing ourselves that it is tolerable and not so bad after all. Likewise, remember Memento mori, Latin for, “remember that you will die” to help remind you of what matters.


• Problem-focused thinking zooms in on what’s wrong. Solution-focused thinking zooms in on what could be right and looks to taking action to change the situation. Thinking needs to be balanced with action. Focus on the problem needs to be balanced with focus on the solution.


• Remember the Serenity Prayer and try the two-column exercise to help you identify what you can change and what you can’t. Accept what you can’t, act where you can.


• Ask what you want and value, then ask yourself, “Is what I’m doing, thinking, or feeling bringing me closer to that?”


#AnthonyDoerr #BeHonest #Negativity #Resilience #SerenityPrayer #Stoic #Theres #“RememberThatYouMustDie” #RussellNewton #NewtonMG #PeterHollins #TheScienceofSelf #


Transcripts

Speaking of fears, let’s dive into what is arguably humankind’s biggest one: death. Memento mori is Latin for: “remember that you will die.” How would you live your life if you knew that at the end of this week, it would all be over for you? Well, you’d probably be unwilling to waste a single moment and would take extra special care to live well—whatever that means for you.

You wouldn’t get hung up on the opinions of people you don’t care about.

You wouldn’t struggle through difficult books because everyone else thought they were good.

You wouldn’t tolerate bad behavior from those around you.

You wouldn’t continue in a pointless job that didn’t make use of your talents.

Here’s the truth, though: this little thought experiment is not an experiment at all. You really will die. No, not at the end of the week (if you’re lucky . . . although, what proportion of people who are reading these words right now won’t be so lucky?). But eventually. Sooner than you think, most likely.

The intention with remembering this is not to make you depressed or defeated. Quite the opposite. It’s to invigorate you; to inspire you to grasp, with fearsome gratitude, the miracle of your life right now; and to remind yourself that once this life is over, it’s over. If we have dreams and desires, the time to make them happen is now. If we have fears and vices controlling us, the time to unshackle ourselves from them is now. Because, one day in the future, it is an absolute guarantee that we will no longer have the time to do either.

Tomorrow, when you wake up, remind yourself that you are alive. When you go to bed, remind yourself that you do not have infinite nights like these, and one day, you will lie down for the last time. In the novel All the Light We Cannot See, author Anthony Doerr says, “Open your eyes and see what you can with them before they close forever.” If time is limited, don’t you want to find a way to make all your worries, adversities, and problems mean something? If time is limited, don’t you want to live in such a way as to squeeze every last drop out of the pleasures you have been gifted?

 

What is Your Orientation: Solution or Problem Orientation? Thought or Action?

Imagine a group of four friends is traveling together, but as they assemble at the airport, they realize that one of them has forgotten his passport at home. In the time it would take him to go back home, fetch it, and return, the plane will have already left. The group erupts into anxious chatter.

Friend 1: “I can’t believe I’ve done this! I’m such a moron. I’m so sorry! I had no idea, really. I’ve never done something like this before. Oh man, what are we going to do? This is awful.”

Friend 2: “It’s okay. It’s not your fault. You probably were just rushed when you packed this morning. Do you remember where you might have left it?”

Friend 3: “We’re not going to make it. We can’t go home now; he’ll make us all late. No way he can come with us now. It’s impossible. We’ll be late.”

Friend 4: “I’ve had a look online and there’s a flight leaving two hours after this one. It’ll cost 150 dollars to switch flights, but we still have time to do that. We three can go ahead and meet you on the other side?”

Each of us has a unique way of looking at life—and it goes beyond “negative” or “positive.” Some of us focus on problems (like Friend 1 and Friend 3), others on how the problem came to be and its details (Friend 2), and still others focus on solutions (like Friend 4). In the above example, though, all four friends are facing the same issue—it is their response to it that makes all the difference.

Problem-focused thinking zooms in on what’s wrong.

Solution-focused thinking zooms in on what could be right.

In our example, Friend 1 and Friend 3 are only looking at the fact of the problem. And the result is that they complain, express negativity, or blame one another. They hold on to the negativity feeling associated with the situation . . . and keep on holding on to it! They exclaim again and again how stupid it was to leave a passport at home, how bad it would be if they missed the flight, how unfortunate the whole thing is . . .

But Friend 4 is not looking at all this. They’re looking at solutions and actions. What can be done?

Let’s be clear: In this example, both interpretations are possible. There’s no doubt that this is a frustrating and terrible situation to be in. Friend 4, however, isn’t oblivious to these things—they’re just not focused on them. Likewise, it’s not that Friend 1 or Friend 2 can’t agree that there’s probably a solution to their problem—they’re choosing in this moment not to focus on it.

You can probably see that the big difference between being problem-focused and solution-focused is acceptance of reality. Friend 4 has essentially said to themselves, “Yes, the whole thing is annoying . . . but we can’t change that now, and dwelling on it won’t bring us closer to fixing the problem.”

Once you start becoming aware of problem-focus, you will suddenly see it everywhere. This attitude is sadly too common, with many people unconsciously defending their negativity by saying, “I’m just being realistic.” Here lies a real danger: being firmly problem-focused while incorrectly assuming that you are solutions-focused. You believe, in other words, that your negativity and dwelling on the problem is how the problem gets solved.

Be Honest with Yourself

Do you have a problem-oriented attitude? Most people who do don’t think they do. Radical honesty is a must. Have you ever said, “Why is this happening to me?” or complained about how unfair something is? Do you ever go on at length about what you wish was the case (but clearly isn’t)? Do you even consider yourself uniquely unlucky or that there is something about you in particular that elicits a bad outcome from the universe at large? Chances are, you are predominantly problem-focused.

Problem-focus (or “out of power” language as discussed above) is passive, reactive, and negative by definition. It often shows itself in a few characteristic ways:

1. Asking “why?” of a problem

2. Complaining

3. Assuming a victim role

4. Blaming others

5. Self-pity

6. Framing things in terms of “fairness”

For example, you get on the scale one morning and discover that you’ve gained ten pounds over Christmas. Big problem. With a problem-focus, you think, “Why is life so unfair? Why is everything that makes you fat so delicious?! It’s all that garbage everyone pushes you to eat over Christmas . . . with my bad metabolism, I never stood a chance. And now I look awful in my clothes . . . I just can’t believe it . . .”

Can you hear the refusal to accept reality in the above? Do you also notice that there isn’t really an answer to the question, “Why is life so unfair?” It’s a bad question. In fact, it’s not a question at all, but a complaint, and it makes several poor assumptions—mainly that life is unfair. If the unfairness of life is your starting position, you are framing yourself as a poorly treated victim and concluding that there is nothing to be done about it . . . except whine. This immediately shuts you off from your own agency and from a very obvious fact: You can lose the weight if you try.

However, having a solutions-focus is not about magically seeing a million ways to fix a problem—it’s more the frame of mind that believes that there is a solution in the first place. Being solutions-oriented doesn’t mean you instantly become a formidable problem-solver, barging through life’s obstacles with ease. It simply means you are open enough to ask, “What can I do here?” and to follow through on that.

By the same token, being problem-focused is not always a bad thing. Problem-focused people are good at analyzing situations and seeing exactly where a breakdown has occurred, and why. However, unless they eventually move into solutions-focus, they will continue to dwell on the problem indefinitely and never give themselves the chance to convert their insight into action and to change things. Being too solutions-focused may mean that you lack nuanced understanding of the problem, and race in to fix things that you don’t really grasp, just because you can’t bear facing the discomfort of the problem for too long.

So, it’s a question of balance:

Thinking about a problem is useful, but it needs to be combined with concrete action.

Noticing, understanding, and analyzing the problem is a valuable thing to do, but only if it’s combined with a focus on the solution, too.

For an extremely problem-focused person, everything they look at is a problem, and even if they’re offered a solution, they can instantly identify what’s wrong with it. (Have you ever played a game of “yes, but . . .” with someone who was determined not to have you solve their problems for them?)

On the other hand, for an extremely solutions-focused person, everything looks like a solution—including things that really aren’t. What’s worse is that they may be so keen on finding a quick fix that they skip over the part where they analyze and understand the problem they’re supposed to be fixing. You’ve probably met someone like this before—there is a constant and almost frantic hopping from one promising idea to the next without stopping to understand the problem better first.

Because this is a book about the question of negative thinking and how to overcome self-sabotaging thought patterns, there’s a good chance you struggle more with being overly problems-focused rather than too solutions-focused. So for now, we’ll ignore that possibility and look at how to be less problem-focused.

What is your attitude to problems? Do you instantly throw your hands up and get angry or defeated, wondering why life has dealt you this blow? Do you get so focused on negative feelings that you become obsessed with them, unable to see beyond them? Do you go into victim mode and unconsciously hope that someone else will come and rescue you somehow?

These are difficult questions, and the way we individually face problems is a complex topic. We may have learned this behavior as children when our core beliefs about ourselves and our capacities were laid down. We may have had formative experiences that taught us not to expect too much or to have little faith in our own problem-solving abilities. More broadly, we may simply have the attitude that life is bad and difficult and unfair, so when a problem occurs, our response is more or less, “So what else is new?”

For now, one important theme is to remember that negativity is a perspective. It’s not truth, but a particular view on the truth. And this view is one that is chosen . . . which means a different point of view can be chosen! The next time you feel yourself facing a problem, try the following Stoic-inspired exercise to help you acknowledge the problem without letting yourself get distracted from the task of finding a solution—if there is one.

Keep It Simple with the Two-Column Exercise

The Stoics believed that those things in life that cannot be changed must be borne with dignity and fortitude, but that it is also our duty to do our best to work at those things we can change. Resilience and strength, but never resignation and passivity. You might have seen this sentiment echoed in the Serenity Prayer, which goes,

“Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

We can apply this to our own lives every time we face a problem by using a two-column technique. It’s simple to do. Take a piece of paper and draw a line down the middle to create two columns. Label one “things I can change” and the other “things I cannot change.” Now, spend a few moments thinking about the issue that is bothering you and (honestly!) assign its various aspects to one column or the other.

If you like, you might choose to do a kind of “brain dump” beforehand just to tease out all the elements of your problem. This is also an excellent practice to combine with any CBT techniques, or exercises where you’re fleshing out your core beliefs.

Once you have thoroughly dissected the problem this way, it’s time to start processing. Recall the skills of radical acceptance and amor fati—you will need this attitude when dealing with things in the “cannot change” column. Unless you apply a degree of acceptance and embrace what is, you risk getting trapped in a problem-focused loop, complaining, blaming, or acting the victim.

For things you can change, you will need a solutions-focused approach, and to switch your mode into action. For things in this column, ask yourself the following questions:

What can I practically do to address this problem?

What do I need to prepare or plan for?

What is the first step I need to take?

What do I need to learn?

Who do I need to ask for help?

How can I remove the current obstacle standing in my way?

How can I break the bigger task into smaller ones so that I can act right now?

You may discover that you prefer to have three columns: one for what you cannot control, one for what you can, and a third column for things that you have partial control over. The rest of the process is similar: Ask yourself what can be done and then commit to taking actions toward that goal. That portion that is not in your control can be let go, while you can carefully extract the portion that you can do something about—even if it’s just a small thing.

Let’s return to our earlier example of discovering that you’ve gained weight over Christmas and aren’t too happy about it. Your two-column list may look like this:

Things I can’t change

The fact that I have gained ten pounds

What I did and what I ate in the past

Things I can change

What I eat and what I do now and in the future

How I talk about the problem and how I talk about myself

As you look at the second list, the next actions to take are obvious: commit to eating better, exercising, and refusing to blame anything or anyone else for choices you made in the past. For the things you can’t change, well, it’s worth spending the time to acknowledge that yes, you have gained weight and yes, it’s probably your own fault—but don’t dwell on it. Negativity is “useful” only in the sense that it creates insight that drives us to evolve. Learn what lesson you can, then move on. You serve nobody by beating yourself up or getting obsessed with guilt, shame, blame, or regret.

A variation on this exercise is even quicker. Identify what it is that you want, and then ask yourself, “Is what I’m doing, thinking, or feeling bringing me closer to that?”

If you’re overweight and unhappy about it, then you probably want to lose weight. Notice yourself blaming Christmas, complaining about your metabolism, or focusing on how bad you feel in your clothes . . . and ask if any of it brings you closer to losing weight and being happier with yourself. No? Then it’s useless. Have the serenity to just let it all go. Instead, become curious about the kind of things you’d feel, do, and think if you were someone who was losing weight right now . . . then do that. Yes, it will take courage.

In the end, it’s not that being solution-focused in always superior to being problem-focused. Rather, as the Stoics understood, it’s about the wisdom of knowing when to apply one and not the other, and in what proportion.

Summary

• The ancient Stoics were masters of living in the present.

• One way of rethinking your relationship to the past is to adopt the Stoic attitude of amor fati. This translates roughly to “love of one’s fate.” Whatever happens is embraced, wanting “nothing to be different.” To practice it, look at events as neutrally as possible and then respond to them with a simple mantra like “good.” By focusing on action and solutions, we are able to transform adversity.

• Negative visualization is where we occasionally spend a short amount of time imagining in detail the negative things that could happen in life. This renews appreciation and gratitude for what matters, allows us to prepare for the future, and creates psychological resilience.

• With the “what-if” technique, we write down a fear and ask, “What if this were true?” and explore the worst that could happen, showing ourselves that it is tolerable and not so bad after all. Likewise, remember Memento mori, Latin for, “remember that you will die” to help remind you of what matters.

• Problem-focused thinking zooms in on what’s wrong. Solution-focused thinking zooms in on what could be right and looks to taking action to change the situation. Thinking needs to be balanced with action. Focus on the problem needs to be balanced with focus on the solution.

• Remember the Serenity Prayer and try the two-column exercise to help you identify what you can change and what you can’t. Accept what you can’t, act where you can.

• Ask what you want and value, then ask yourself, “Is what I’m doing, thinking, or feeling bringing me closer to that?”