In today's episode we will consider the impact of secret betrayals on a relationship, and some initial thoughts on why and how to talk about a secret betrayal.

About Josh Kalsbeek, LMFT

• Marriage & Family Therapist, licensed in Nevada, Arizona, and Colorado. Currently I'm seeing all clients via video Telehealth sessions.

•Founder and CEO of Great Oaks Collective, and it's flagship program Overcome, a 10-Week virtual Intensive Outpatient Program for Christian couples experiencing sexual betrayal and addiction. Learn more at www.greatoakscollective.com. Because sometimes traditional counseling is not enough.

• Founder of Wisecraft, giving tools and ideas to help you grow in wisdom. Learn more at www.wisecraft.org. Or go here to sign up to receive my weekly newsletter, Words of Wisdom. ​

• To learn about what I'm currently focused on in my life, go to my Now page.

Words of wisdom 92 on secret sin and systemic dysfunction to the

degree that acting out is present.

A primary relationship is systemically unable to experience deep intimacy when

acting out is present, whether that be an addictive behavior or a secret betrayal.

There is another element in the primary relationship that disrupts

the connection of the couple.

Acting out becomes the third wheel in the relationship.

Instead of being able to exclusively give energy, attention, and desire to

the partner, due to the relationship to acting out, intimacy is inevitably

damaged and flourishing cannot occur.

This commonly appears as conflict that can't be resolved.

It's fueled by shame that cannot be healed in the betrayer, in a dynamic that the

betrayed either does not know about or knows about, and cannot stop directly as

only the betrayer can stop the behavior.

Betrayers often hope that if they simply stop the behavior, but do not

tell the betrayed about the acting out, they're protecting them, but the

dynamic is not fully healed, the secret remains, shame continues, and often

it feeds the very acting out behavior that the betrayer wishes to avoid.

Furthermore, the betrayed remains in a prison of unawareness, of the

betrayal, and cannot live fully In reality, this steals the ability

for them to live in the full truth.

It's crazy making.

Eventually, if the acting out is not killed, the death

of the relationship follows.

If you think ignoring a betrayal secret will protect you, your

family, and your relationship.

Think again, stopping acting out is necessary for flourishing.

Of course.

What's less appealing on the surface is the betrayal, being

rigorously honest with their partner.

Making a significant amends for the trauma and pain inflicted is the

necessary terrifying, yet healing surgery to the scourge of betrayal.

If you think keeping a betrayal secret will protect your spouse, think again.

betrayal.

Secrets only ravage your own soul.

And steal reality from the one you love the most.

The most profound way for a couple to experience healing and intimacy

is for the acting out to be stopped and the betrayal to become known

so that the systemic dynamic in the relationship can be changed.

Let's talk about what to share.

Sharing details doesn't typically help healing.

The extent of the betrayal should be shared, not the

details, not the full story.

Once Pandora's box has been opened and the secret is out, the betrayal often

wants to know everything possible.

Despite this, the general best recommendation is to share

the extent of what happened.

Details rarely lead to healing, but do often lead to further trauma and triggers.

This is delicate territory and its best navigated with an experienced

and wise mental health professional.

If you're harboring a secret, you know it's not working.

The only way to freedom is to surrender your secret to

God and find peace with him.

In doing this, you will learn to find peace with others,

hopefully with your spouse.

That only comes through confession.

Yet this level of commitment to honesty could destroy the relationship.

But it could also revolutionize your relationship with God.

Give birth to new levels of freedom, restore trust, and

spark genuine emotional intimacy.

All in good time, Breaking secret sin through confession is

one of the most courageous and excruciating things you can do.

It is also the only gateway to freedom and growth that until you walk the path,

you can never fully realize questions.

Use these questions as a journal prompt and prayers this week.

To what degree have I compromised my relationship with the

truth and with my partner?

Is keeping this secret actually helping?

If you keep this secret for another 10 years, to what degree

will things be better or worse?

Describe this in detail.

Quotes.

If we are to love sincerely and with simplicity, we must first of all

overcome the fear of not being loved.

And this cannot be done by forcing ourselves to believe in some illusion,

saying that we are loved when we are not.

We must somehow strip ourselves of our greatest illusions about

ourselves, frankly, recognize in how many ways we are unlovable.

Descend into the depths of our being until we come to the basic reality that

is in us and learn to see that we are lovable after all, in spite of everything.

Thomas Merton in his book, no Man Is An Island.

Charles Feldman defines trust as choosing to risk making something you value

vulnerable to another person's actions.

And he describes distrust as deciding that what is important to

me is not safe with this person in this situation or any situation.

By Charles Feldman in the book, the Thin Book of Trust.

End note.

Deep vulnerability leads to deep transformation.

There is no other way to the life you long for live wisely, Josh.