Shownotes
Most of us treat intimacy the way we treat rest: something we fall into rather than something we choose. We rush. We repeat. We wonder why connection starts to feel mechanical over time. And quietly, the emotional closeness begins to drift. This episode sits with that drift and asks what actually builds it back.
Host Nazish is joined by Dave Robin, author of Intimate Sex, More Often, for a conversation about what no one really teaches us about relationships. How anticipation creates safety. How slowing down builds trust. How one honest question, asked at the right moment, can open more than any performance ever could. This is not about technique. It is about learning to be present for someone, and for yourself, in a way that changes how the whole relationship feels.
About the Guest:
Dave Robin is the author of Intimate Sex, More Often, a practical guide to building deeper connection, communication, and intimacy in relationships. Drawing from over fifty years of personal study and lived experience, Dave offers couples a framework for moving from routine and performance toward genuine closeness. His book was reviewed for accuracy by a medical professional and is available on Amazon worldwide.
Key Takeaways:
- Intimacy does not start in the bedroom. It starts hours, sometimes days, before. Anticipation, atmosphere, and intentional communication are the real foundations of connection.
- Most people operate on trial and error in relationships because no one ever taught them differently. Reading, honest conversation, and curiosity about your partner are what actually close that gap.
- Safety in a relationship is built one small disclosure at a time. When one person shares something vulnerable, it gives the other person permission to do the same. That is how trust grows.
- Mechanical intimacy slowly replaces emotional intimacy. When we rush and repeat without intention, we stay physically together while drifting emotionally apart. Slowing down is the antidote.
- Old habits and routines do not break through willpower. They break through intention, one conscious choice at a time. Confidence builds as each small change sticks.
- The goal is not performance. The goal is connection. Shifting that single framing changes everything about how two people show up for each other.
Connect With Dave Robin:
Book on Amazon: Intimate Sex, More Often
https://www.amazon.com/Intimate-More-Often-Dave-Robin/dp/0962677604
Episode Chapters:
[00:00] Opening — The Body Keeps Its Own Record
[02:00] What the Body Was Trying to Say — Dave's Early Turning Point (approx.)
[04:00] What People Actually Come With — Stress, Routine, and Not Knowing How (approx.)
[06:00] Anticipation and Atmosphere — Building the Evening Before It Begins (approx.)
[10:00] Focus on Her — Why Shifting Attention Changes Everything (approx.)
[14:00] Breaking Old Habits — Intention as the Key Word (approx.)
[16:00] Closing Quotes — Four Truths About Intimacy Worth Keeping (approx.)
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Transcripts
00:00:07 Nazish: Most of us treat the body like it's separate from the mind. We push through the tension in our shoulders and ignore the tightness in our chest. We tell ourselves we. We will rest once everything finally calms down. But the body keeps its own record. It holds what the mind tries to outrun. And somewhere along the way we stress. Never finished. Feeling becomes the stiff stiffness, the fatigue, the restless nights. We cannot explain. So today we are sitting with a simple, quietly radical idea. The piece is not only something you think your way into. Sometimes it is one. It is something your body has to be thrived. Invited back into it first.
00:00:55 Nazish: Welcome back to Inner Peace. Better health. I am Nazish and this is a space where we slow down, explore the quiet, quiet conversation happening between your inner state and your physical health. Not as two separate things, but one continuous loop. Today we are going to talk about what it actually means to feel safe in your own body and how that safety becomes the ground that the real healing grows on. Today I am joined by
00:01:24 Nazish: Dave.
00:01:25 Dave Robin: Thank you.
00:01:26 Nazish: And dear listeners, uh, before we begin, some statements reflect personal belief and experiences and are presented as individual views, not medical advice. Listeners should consult qualified professionals for medical condition.
00:01:41 Nazish: So, Dave, before we begin, I want to ask you to take us back to a time when your own body was clearly trying to tell you something your mind had caught up to, yet had not caught up to that yet. What was happening in your life then? Then and what were you carrying like? What did you not understand about the connection between how you were living and how you were actually feeling?
00:02:11 Dave Robin: Well, if I'm on if I'm on point, when I was in my twenties and my first relationship with two ladies went very bad, very, very bad, and they were disappointed. And it was at that time I decided to study and learn, uh, how to improve my mind and my body and that and and those relationships.
00:02:36 Nazish: Thank you so much for sharing that with us. And, you know, we like to imagine we would know we would notice the warning signs, but most of us are remarkably good at explaining them away.
00:02:52 Dave Robin: Well, the the warning signs is where, you know, you're, you're doing something that is not going to work for your partner. And you don't, you don't stop or, or try to address it.
00:03:07 Nazish: I agree. So.
00:03:12 Nazish: Often the tension we carry is not about is not really about the deadline or the overflowing workload. Like it is about something older, a habit of bracing that we learned a long time ago and we never questioned it. So when you sit with people you work with, what do you find actually, uh, driving that constant hum of stress and the, the thing beneath the first come to you about.
00:03:46 Dave Robin: I think the, the, the number one thing about the stress and what they come to me about is, uh, they don't know what to do. They don't know how to do it. They don't understand intimacy. They don't understand. Um. For them, it's routine and, uh, and they don't know how to wrap their, their, their arms around it. And that's what I bring to the table, anticipation, atmosphere, etc..
00:04:18 Nazish: Yeah.
00:04:19 Nazish: Yes. That is, that is very true. And because what you are describing is not a problem of willpower. It is a problem of conditioning.
00:04:30 Dave Robin: Yes. And practice and conditioning and mind control. You have to you have to know when to stop, uh, to, to make sure the relationship lasts longer. Well, I want to make sure we're on the right topic, but, um, as I mentioned earlier, the I had some bad experiences with ladies. So I studied, I've studied for over fifty years. And then, I learned exactly how to have a solid relationship, not only on intimacy, but also on partnership and, and comfort with each other and trust. And that took. And then the book covers all of that, um, including anticipation. If, if you're going to spend an evening with a, with a, with a, with a, a mate, uh, you would want to let them know ahead of time the, that your, what your expectations were. And you would do that either maybe on a post-it note on the mirror or a note on their car or in their purse or a simple safe text, um, to them during the day. And then you want to prepare, uh, the atmosphere for the event. Um, and that would include making sure your nails are clipped, getting a haircut. Uh, making sure the sheets are clean. Uh, and right on down the line. AM I in the right? AM I in the right discussion as it. the things that I would like you to do in preparation for the evening is again, get a haircut when you get a haircut or you go to the salon, how do you feel when you walk out of there. And how do you feel when you have your hair done?
00:06:25 Nazish: Like I'm a different person altogether.
00:06:27 Dave Robin: Exactly. And that also it makes you feel good, but it also helps build up confidence. And in a relationship, confidence is everything. So if you did several things that built the confidence, then when you go into the relationship that evening, you're in good shape. Um, what? How about same thing with getting a manicure or pedicure. Uh, those things, they make you feel great, you're comfortable. And then, uh, your, your confidence level continues to rise up. What if I said to you, uh, over dinner, uh, and we both were, were a couple, um, that, uh, tonight I only want to focus on you. Now, that would be really different. Most guys want to focus on them and performance. I'm saying no no no no. Just focus on her for one evening and then stop and start for hours or minutes or whatever you want. Um, and then chat. And when you start chatting, then all of a sudden safety and comfort, uh, is introduced into the, into the relationship. And dinner. You can also ask what they like to do and what they don't like and where the boundaries are and what are their fantasies, etc.. And then she will ask you the same. And all that does is include increase the bonding in between you, between you, so that things are not routine or mechanical. Uh, and you're not trying to perform, you're trying for a solid, loving relationship. Go ahead. Nancy.
00:08:13 Nazish: Absolutely. That is very true. You know, it is always about. I believe it is always about give and take. If you put in the effort, there is one hundred percent possible. Like mostly ninety five ninety eight percent possibility that you will get it back in return. And you are very true about the fact that most men don't ask.
00:08:34 Dave Robin: That's true. They don't. And I'll tell you what, a lot of the times they are intimidated or afraid. So if they could just ask one small question, then that will open the door and then she will respond. And then then it continues to expand from there. One other thing that I might add is, um, uh, I demand that everybody, that everybody, both of you shower beforehand. However, if you went to the store earlier that day and picked up some bubble bath, then after you showered, you can say to her, here's, here's some bubble bath. Take as long as you want. And then she can go there and, uh, spend ten, fifteen minutes, even an hour, whatever it is, and relive her childhood and then come to you. And what, after a bubble? Bubble bath. Now, how would you feel moving into the relationship?
00:09:31 Nazish: That sounds like a very, uh, you know, comforting and a fulfilling relationship.
00:09:37 Dave Robin: And that also makes it more safe and trust. Yes.
00:09:41 Nazish: Yeah.
00:09:42 Dave Robin: Absolutely. These are these little things are what makes the big picture work. And then all of a sudden, it's easier to talk about stuff. Now, if we were if I was with a mate, and then at some point I would stop and then roll over and we would chat, uh, and then start up again and then chat some more and then start up again. We don't have this is not performance. This is relationship. I think our time is about up.
00:10:14 Nazish: No, no, no, we have time. We have more ten minutes. We can talk about it.
00:10:19 Dave Robin: Go ahead. Go ahead. And you have some questions for me?
00:10:23 Nazish: Yeah.
00:10:24 Nazish: I mean, but also I'm enjoying this conversation. Like this is a new direction all together.
00:10:31 Dave Robin: Well well it is, isn't it? And this is what most people haven't discovered. Um, and I have fifty in the book and I'm not trying to sell the book. You know, the book is what, eight or nine bucks? I don't know. And I make a like two dollars on it. And I would have to sell a thousand of them or two to, to make any money. But the information on the book, uh, I had a sex doctor, sex doctor read the manuscript beforehand for accuracy. And, uh, he had two changes to make and those were easy changes. But he also said that every guy in America or in the world, I guess, should read it. And, uh, because they don't guys don't read books. They they operate on trial and error. They their parents rarely told them anything. Uh, and they can't go to their buddies because that's that's nip and tuck. And then, uh, and the movies don't help. So it's reading and understanding and talking to your partner that does.
00:11:31 Nazish: Yes, yes, yes, yes, that does make it tough. Um, yeah. Guys don't really talk. That is that is so true. Yeah. I want to ask you when someone realizes that they have been living up in their head and, uh, breathing in their body for years. Where do you think they should actually begin with?
00:11:56 Dave Robin: They have. And in their head they have all these thoughts and dreams and, and, uh, curiosity things. Uh, and then with a partner, they need to share those. Just a little one, just a little one to make it safe. And then once they share that one, then they can share another one and then they can share another one in their head. And then all of a sudden there's a conversation going. And that that improves trust and relationships. Go ahead.
00:12:27 Nazish: Mhm. Yeah. That does improve trust in relationship. And, you know, I believe feeling safe, uh, in any relationship is so important.
00:12:38 Dave Robin: It is. And, and talking about your inhibitions and your fears and your concerns, uh, and your embarrassments, uh, all of that is, is, uh, is, uh, what's the right word? The makes the other partner much more comfortable and talking to you because you've, you've given up, uh, some of your insecurities. So they, they make it easier for them. Thank you. Nash.
00:13:05 Nazish: It does, it does make it easier for them. And it also like, you know, having that safe space in any relationship is important because it, it makes you feel you can talk about anything you want without having second thoughts of being judged, which is so important because when that judgment and that shame comes, it really starts going all towards the south end.
00:13:30 Dave Robin: And you're quite right. And once you start talking about the relationship and getting comfortable with that, then it can move on to other things in life about the children or about education or, or the jobs, etc.. Uh, once you get, once you get squared away on the relationship. And here there's so much more that you can talk about on an everyday life.
00:13:55 Nazish: Yes. Yeah. Yeah. So what what I like, like someone who is doing the work, like they also start feeling better in their life, in their relationship. But then, you know, like setbacks come, like the old tension and old habits return. How to how do you think? What what, like, what should those people do in those, in those times? Like in the times of those setbacks?
00:14:23 Dave Robin: No, you're absolutely right that the it becomes a routine. We all have our past routines. So your real question is how do you break up that routine? And you have to do it with intention. And that's the key word is intention. Uh, you have to think about, okay, this is what I used to do. I shouldn't do this anymore. And so you start to change your focus. And it happens over time. It happens one one thought at a time. And otherwise, as I say, it's routine, it's mechanical, and you're just repeating your past mistakes unless you address them slowly. And then as you slowly address them, your confidence builds and then you can address them more and more and more.
00:15:12 Nazish: That is that is very true. And that is such a beautiful perspective to look at. So, you know, if anyone, anyone who is listening right now and is running on and is carrying tension and they have stopped, they've even stopped noticing, what do you what do you want to say to them tonight?
00:15:37 Dave Robin: Focus on your partner. Focus on what's working, what's not, um, and talk about it. The the. For guys, the best thing they can do is stop during the interaction from time to time to chat. Uh, the best thing they can do is focus on her. And if they focused on her for fifteen minutes, twenty minutes, thirty minutes, you can learn how to do an hour or two hours, three, four hours. And I'll tell you what, once you've had those kind of experiences, uh, it's like, um, the stuff dreams are made of. So the, that's the direction you've got to go. Anticipation, atmosphere and discussion.
00:16:25 Nazish: That is, that is very true. And so, before we close, I want to ask you, where can my listeners find you and the work you do?
00:16:35 Dave Robin: Well, they can't find me, but you can find the book. It's on Amazon. It's called, uh, Intimate Sex more often. And the, The book is called that because women want the intimacy. Intimacy, men wants the frequency. So this is this is this delivers it and gives it to them.
00:16:55 Nazish: Wonderful. Thank you so much for sharing that with us. I will make sure to include the details into the show notes so that a lot of people can reach out to you and learn, learn from the book and you know they have a good experience with it.
00:17:10 Dave Robin: Right. I've got a couple of quotes. If, if, if there's time.
00:17:14 Nazish: Yes, yes, please go ahead.
00:17:17 Dave Robin: Mechanical intimacy slowly replaces emotional intimacy. And I think you were talking about that earlier. A lot of couples are physically together, but not emotionally. But they are drifting, emotionally drifting apart. Rushing is one of the quiet destroyers of intimacy. And I want to really stress that. Don't rush. Go slow. Uh, this is not a performance contest. Also, intimacy often exposes parts of ourselves we normally hide. A lot of women never fully tell men how they actually feel emotionally or physically, because they don't want conflict or hurt feelings. Those are the things you've got to work through. And you do that one small step at a time. Honest conversations builds trust. Most people think intimacy starts in bed. It starts hours or days beforehand. I think that's probably enough. The goal is not performance. The goal is connection.
00:18:35 Nazish: I believe this is the exactly the kind of conversation in a piece. Better health is made for. And, you know, to anyone who is listening right now, especially if you have been holding your breath through a hard stretch of life, I will leave you with this. You do not have to think your way to peace tonight. You can start the start smaller than that one breath that goes all the way down. One moment of letting your shoulders drop. And your body has been waiting for you this whole time. And you are allowed to come home. Until then, take care of yourself. This has been inner peace, better health.
