Today's guest has an incredible story and shares hope, inspiration and some amazing coaching tools. Kolette Hall is a life coach and widowed single mom who helps other high achieving men and women understand how to let go and be at peace with the things we can't (and don't want to) control.

Kolette has a Master’s Degree in Education and spent 5 years teaching before starting her own business in the craft industry. Her husband, Jason, was a quadriplegic in a wheelchair who spent many months in the hospital and needed extra care.

In 2019, Jason passed away and Kolette became a widow and single mom to her teenage son, Coleman. She wrote a book about her experiences and decided to become a coach because she believes in the growth of successful people. When a high-achieving person up-levels their mindset, the impact is exponential. Kolette wants more of that happening in the world.

Learn more about Kolette on her website or on her Instagram.

Download Bonnie's free guide to getting your coaching business up and running in ONE weekend.

Ready to work together? Schedule a call to explore your goals and learn how I can help you.

Okay, so I'll add a full bio to the audio

later, so I will ask you to just do a

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quick brief introduction of yourself

and then I'll start asking questions.

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Yeah, perfect.

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Okay, great.

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And I always have children

in the background, but

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they're supposed to be quiet.

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Not a problem.

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Okay.

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Welcome back everybody.

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I am so excited to have

a guest on the show.

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Her name is Colette Hall and she is a gem.

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Okay.

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Welcome back everybody.

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I am so excited to have

a guest on the show.

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Her name is Colette Hall and she is a gem.

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She is a coach just like me, and

she has an amazing story and offers

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so much value for high achieving

entrepreneurs like you and like me.

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So welcome Colette.

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Thank you.

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It's so great to be here.

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Yes.

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We want to start off by hearing

just a little bit about you.

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So tell us about your life, your family,

a little bit about your background.

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Okay.

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So I am a coach, just like you

mentioned, this is my third career.

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So any one of you who is thinking that

maybe it's too late, it's not too late.

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It's not ever too late I used to be

a school teacher way back when, and

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then I, was a graphic designer in

the craft industry and owned owned

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business in the crafting industry.

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For a long time.

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And now I am a coach for high achievers.

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I have one son.

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He's 15 right now.

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And, I'm also a widow.

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My husband passed away five years ago.

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And, , so that's, that's

part of my story as well.

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Yeah, it is.

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And what a fascinating

life you have led already.

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I love it.

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And I love that you were

in the crafting space too.

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I don't think we talked about

this before, but I was a

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sewing blogger for a long time.

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So I have a special place in my heart

for crafts and anything creative.

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It's so fun.

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Oh, yes.

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Same, same lane.

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Same lane.

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We're in the same lane.

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So tell me just a little bit before we

get into coaching, because those of us

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who are coaches, No, that very often

it's like this long kind of meandering

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path to get to where we are, right?

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Like we have maybe like a trial

or something that happens.

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And then all of a sudden, when we find

the tools that coaching offers us,

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we're like, Oh, this changes so much.

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Do you feel like that was the

case for you going into coaching

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that you were kind of led to it?

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100 percent 100 percent led to, I, I

believe that I've been led to all the

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different things that I have pursued.

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And but this, this particularly

my husband had passed away.

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He was a quadriplegic in a wheelchair.

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He had broken his neck when he was

15 years old at Lake Powell, and

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we met at Brigham Young University.

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When we were in college, got

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Back in the 1900s as my kids say, right.

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And we were married for a long time.

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And and so I was a caregiver.

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We, we also had a lot of help

when it, when it came to that.

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He was a motivational speaker and

there were, there were all kinds of

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physical things that Just came our way,

you know, with his situation and, and

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different, different things that happen

to your body when you are quadriplegic

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plus different things that, that we

experienced, you know, health wise.

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And so I have a lot of understanding

about what it's like to live with

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a disability and care for somebody

that has a disability and to, to kind

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of persevere through those things.

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And how do we want to live?

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When we have challenging circumstances and

and so Jason and I made deliberate choices

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about how we wanted to to live our lives.

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You know, we, we were not interested

in just enduring we wanted to.

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Endure it well, and endure it happily.

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And so we use, we had some different

I guess things in our toolkit

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that that we use to help us live

the very best life that we could.

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And so he was a motivational speaker.

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He would speak to corporations and

companies, and we were kind of in this.

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Space anyway, , motivation or, you know,

positive thinking and stuff like that.

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So when he passed away unexpectedly

I had, I actually had like 1 goal.

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It was, this was about a year after

he passed and I had like 1 goal.

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I was just going to walk

15, 000 steps a day.

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Like, that was my goal and care for

my child, you know, like, like my,

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my son Coleman, he, you know, needed

a driver and he needed food and,

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you know, all that kind of stuff.

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So I was, I was doing all of that, but,

but I, I wasn't working at that time.

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I had stopped designing

in the craft industry.

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I felt like I needed a break and,

and I really wasn't pursuing anything

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other than, you know, You know, I'm

going to walk 15, 000 steps a day.

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And so that actually takes quite

a while every day to, to, you

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know, check that off the list.

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And as I was doing it, I was listening to

podcasts or audio books or, or whatever.

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And I would walk around our neighborhood.

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I walked everywhere.

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Like people would say.

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Gosh, I saw you three times,

you know, walk by my house.

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I'm like, yep, you did.

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But as I was, was kind of in that mode,

I had two friends in the same week.

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They said, you know, you really remind

me of this person that has a podcast.

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You sound like her.

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That's, that's what they said.

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You sound like her, like your

philosophy sounds like her.

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And it was Jodi Moore.

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It was more.

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And so I, that was the first

time I had heard of Jodi Moore.

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And I started listening to her podcast,

and I kind of, you know, in all this

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time, I had lots of chances to go back

and listen to all the podcast episodes.

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And as she was talking about some of

these life coaching principles it really

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resonated because it was like, okay,

this is how we've lived our lives.

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Me and Jason, this is how we've

chosen to live our lives, but you've

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given me like structure to it.

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There's a system, like step

1, step 2, step 3, whatever.

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And I'm like, oh, it makes so much sense.

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It was very logical to me.

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And so she had gone to the life coach

school and I was like, okay, well,

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I'll go to the life coach school.

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And I had no, Intention

of becoming a life coach.

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I wasn't really interested in starting

another business and things like that.

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And so it wasn't until I was doing

some, I had a goal to do like a

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hundred free coaching sessions.

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And in that process, I decided

I kind of like this and I

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think I'm pretty good at it.

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So let's go for it.

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So that was, that was my journey to it.

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I felt like it was things

clicking into place.

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Yeah.

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Yeah.

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I hear that a lot.

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And it was for sure true for me as well,

that it was like right time, right place.

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And so many things made sense.

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And I find that fascinating.

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Well, first of all, your entire story

is so fascinating to me, especially the

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fact that his, he was injured at such a

young age and injured before you guys met.

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And so your entire relationship

was like eyes wide open.

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We know exactly what we're getting into.

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Maybe not exactly, but I find that

so courageous and so amazing that

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it was like, if we're going to

enjoy this life, not just endure it.

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Like you're saying, we have to

have some, some tools for this.

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We, we can't just, you know, have a

hard day and let it get us down because

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they're going to be a lot harder days.

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Right.

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And what a gift.

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That you gave to each other in

structuring your life in such a way

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that this wasn't a surprise to you.

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Like you, you came across coaching

and you're like, Oh, actually,

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yeah, I know a lot of this, right?

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I've, I've applied a lot of this and

I know it's going to bring me joy

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and help me feel other things, right?

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That's another thing that we forget about

when we're outside of coaching, right?

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We think happiness is the ultimate goal.

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It's not really, it's, it's living

life and being able to enjoy both

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happiness and sorrow and all the

other stuff that comes along with it.

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Absolutely.

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Yeah, that's for sure.

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And that is really interesting.

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The, I feel like I'm a very

good griever as a widow.

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And so you kind of touched on this just

a little bit, feeling all the things.

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And it's not because what people

might think people might think,

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oh, well, she's so strong or she,

you know, is thriving or whatever.

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It's like, yeah, that is true.

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But it's the reason why I'm a good

griever is because I allow my emotions.

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Because you actually grieve . Yeah.

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I, I, I live the emotion.

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I feel it.

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I welcome it, it, it's, it's

part of the remembering for me,

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it's part of the love for me.

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And so when, when I have those moments

where it washes over me, whether it's

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anger or worry, or sorrow or whatever,

then like I will sob hard on purpose.

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And it's like, bring it, you know, I'm,

I'm feeling it, I'm bringing it and I have

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a lot of, you know, I have my own coach.

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I have a hypnotherapist that I use.

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So like, I, I have used resources.

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I put resources around me to

help me, you know, be the very

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best griever that I can be.

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And I think that.

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That is such a valuable concept to allow

ourselves to feel whatever it is we're

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feeling and not have like a timeline

or grieving is such an interesting

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thing because lots of people will say,

well, I should be at a certain point.

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You know, like this timeline, and

there is, there is no timeline,

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there is no point to be at.

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There is no moment that you're over

things or that you should be XYZ.

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So I just like to tell people,

you know, Do you need some

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help getting through this?

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Then like get the help, right?

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If you're kind of stuck,

then get the help.

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But like, there is no timeline.

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I love that.

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That is so helpful.

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You know, I think there's two

main reasons why people shy away

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from negative emotion in general.

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One is obviously it doesn't

feel good, like happy, sad.

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I prefer happy.

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Right.

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But I think the main one, and this

comes up for me a lot is worrying about.

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What do people think?

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Like how I'm supposed to look,

I'm supposed to look like just

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an example in my own life.

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Cause I have a lot of kids and I

homeschool some very intentional choices

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that make my life a little bit different.

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And I would say more

difficult in some ways.

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And so I find myself not wanting to

complain or be upset when things go

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wrong because I have to put on this face.

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Like I've got it all together.

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And I think what a disservice we

do both to ourselves and others

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who find themselves in the same

place going, I just need to connect

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with somebody that gets this.

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And we're, we've got this.

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Everything is fine.

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We're so great.

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Crying behind closed

doors, kind of a thing.

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I mean, not that we have to air

our dirty laundry, but to share it.

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I think we air dirty laundry.

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I mean, I don't know, like in a,

I think there's very healthy ways.

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There's very healthy ways

to, to like tell the truth.

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Also, you know, I, I teach my clients

a principle called the generous and,

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and so it's like, yeah, I, I feel

like crap and it's going to be okay.

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Both things can be true at the same time.

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And so this idea of I don't, I

don't love the phrase venting,

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you know, because when, because

usually when we're venting, we are,

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we're just staying in the negative.

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And there's no, there's no view

of what could be also true, you

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know, about being positive or that

you are going to make through and

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make it through or whatever it is.

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And so I'm not a huge fan of just

living in that negativity at all.

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Both things can exist, but I

think it's important for us to

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say, yeah, like, today is hard.

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Yeah.

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And probably going to be over at some

point, you know, like whenever it is.

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And so, I love that concept.

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And that is one of my favorite tools is

the, and, you know, looking at families,

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for example, these laboratories, right.

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That are so hard and so wonderful at the

same time that what, what a powerful thing

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it is to say, this really sucks right now.

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And.

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I wouldn't have it any other way.

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And this is what I've chosen

or, and it will get better.

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And I know I made the right

choice and whatever brings

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you the hope in that moment.

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Even while things feel like

they're going down the toilet.

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Yeah.

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100%.

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And I want to mention also with grief,

in case there's somebody out there that

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is on the flip side of this I found

with grieving that people, instead

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of, well, you have the, you have.

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Times where you're like, I'm fine.

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I'm fine.

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I'm fine.

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You're not expressing what the problem

is, but there's also this opposite of only

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saying it's bad and not allowing, like,

I went through a time with with my coach.

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I had to talk to her a

lot about it because.

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It was like, can I feel okay, and I

feel like Coleman and I are thriving,

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or is that just loyal to the memory to

the love I have for him to whatever.

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And so it's, it's an interesting

thing that we can go both ways.

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And I think that's true with grief

with with life, whatever that

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whatever it is, we think we're

supposed to be feeling right?

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Like, just notice.

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Do I think I'm supposed to be feeling

this and I'm like resisting it or whatever

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and and just notice that and it's okay

to feel whatever it is you're feeling.

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Oh, I love that.

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Yeah.

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And there's no honor to be had

in wearing misery like a badge.

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Yeah.

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So that's kind of an interesting,

like it goes both ways, right?

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There's for sure.

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A pendulum.

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Yeah.

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I love that so much.

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Okay.

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So, so, so helpful.

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I love all this talk about just

appreciating life, the highs, the

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lows, all of it, but I want to shift

now into what you do as a coach,

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because I am fascinated by this.

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So tell us what, what your specialty is.

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Who do you help?

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I help high achievers create

a hundred percent balance.

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I love it.

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I love it so much.

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I remember listening to a podcast.

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I just saw the title of a podcast,

scroll up in my app and it said that

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light and dark side of high achieving.

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And I thought that's for me to know

that sometimes it is so wonderful

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to be productive and be somebody who

likes to go and do and, and perform.

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And sometimes it is.

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So hard.

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So what do you think are some of the

biggest challenges for high achievers?

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Because I know we're talking

to a lot of them here.

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You're trying to build a

business, especially as a mom,

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you're probably one of those.

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What are some of the challenges you see?

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I think that one of the biggest

challenges people would say

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that it's time management.

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Like they don't have enough time.

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But that's not usually the

problem, but it's okay.

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They can think they can think

that that's the problem.

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It feels like we don't have enough

time because we want to be doing all

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the things or we think we're supposed

to be doing all the things that we

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need to do them at a high level.

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And and so, like, work has to be at a

certain level and family has to be at a

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certain level and everything that we're

doing has to be at a certain level.

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And so it's like, there's

not enough hours in the day.

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To make it happen, and there's, there's

no way that I can be successful at all

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of them, because something has to give.

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Something has to, like, lose out.

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If I'm successful at work, which, which

many of my clients are very successful

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at work, then family has to lose out.

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They're not sure how to do both.

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And I, I'm kind of guessing that with

your clients, it's almost the opposite.

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Your audience is like so

successful in the family, right.

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And with kids that it's like, well, then

the work has to lose out because I'm,

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you know, So good at the family part

and then taking care of people part.

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I'm, I'm guessing that.

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Yeah.

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Yeah.

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Totally.

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And so it's this, it's this idea that we

really can be successful at all of it,

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but it doesn't require more time on the

calendar and it also doesn't require.

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Like a time management system, because

a lot of people think that the time

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management system is going to be the

thing that creates the balance, just

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a better planner, a better calendar.

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Yeah.

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And so I, I like to say that it doesn't

matter what your time management system

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is, what your calendar system is.

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It's actually really effective.

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Whatever it is you've got,

it's, it's very effective.

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What we work on is how we're

thinking about our time.

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So you're shifting, I'm assuming from

some sort of a scarcity mentality into.

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We can and and how what are the

what are some of the tactical tips

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you use for stepping into that?

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Yes, we talk a lot about aligned decision

making, really figuring out what you want

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to have happen, what the outcome is that

you want to be creating, whether it's

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with a relationship with, you know, your

business goals with oftentimes, I'll be

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honest, oftentimes it's a relationship.

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You know, like people, people are

high achieving, but there's some

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relationship or multiple relationships

that aren't measuring up to what they

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want and they want to feel more present.

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They want to feel more close.

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They want to feel more connected.

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And so we figure out what do they really

want to have happen and then make a plan

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of the best way to make that happen.

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And it, it always includes

being more present.

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Oh, yeah, that that hits like a knife

to the heart like we learn how like,

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what does that actually look like

to be more present and part of that

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is is what we're control what we

think we're controlling and what we

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feel like we have to be controlling.

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And loosening that definition of what

we really have to control in order to

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create the life that we want and the

value of, of understanding, giving, giving

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up certain control to the place that,

that it already is anyway, but we just.

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Just acknowledging it assumption

that we have control over it.

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And, and I think that control is such

an interesting thing because because

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it comes into play with, with this idea

of like helping our kids or helping

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our employees be more independent.

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Yeah.

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And trusting, trusting themselves,

trusting we trust them, you know, to be

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able to handle whatever the thing is.

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And so that comes into play.

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All the time.

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Oh yeah.

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Oh yeah.

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You're, you're speaking

my language here for sure.

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And I, and I find that that's

one way that motherhood has

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just stretched and expanded me.

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And I think a lot of our listeners

in just the lack, complete

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and utter lack of control.

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It's like if I had had one or two

kids, I probably would just have

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been a dictator my entire life, but

I had enough finally taught me there

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is very little you can control here.

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So just step into it.

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Allow people to allow people

to try to help you, right?

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Allow the kids to do things, allow

them to mess up, to get messy,

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let go and then see what happens.

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Yeah.

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So when you, I'm curious when you went

through that, I only have one child.

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I mean, we had Coleman 16 years after

we were married and he's like our

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miracle baby with Joe and whatever,

but I, I, I never planned on 10, you

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know, I never planned on 10, but.

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But I'm curious as a mom who has,

you know, so many kids, what do

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you see as the benefits of letting

go of some of that control?

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Peace, happiness, like being able

to even like fall asleep at night.

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Cause there were times when I just

thought there's so much going on and

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so much out of my control right now.

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I think I'm going to

completely lose my mind.

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Like I can't finish the

laundry and somebody screaming.

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And Just physically, it was impossible

for me to have my hand in all the

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things I wanted to have my hand in.

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And so it was just coaching and

using tools where I could sit on

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the couch and be like right now.

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The, the time is to be present right now.

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The time is to read a book with my child.

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That is going to be a mess and that is

going to be a mess and he's going to be

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screaming for a while and that's okay.

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We're just going to focus

on one thing at a time.

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And it, I mean, I'm still every single

day learning that, but it was unexpected.

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Unexpected turn.

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Yeah.

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And I think, I think what happens

is we, when we say we're giving up

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control what is happening in our

minds when we really are doing it,

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like when you really feel present.

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With your child or whatever,

whatever task it could be work.

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It could be, you know, whatever

the thing is when you feel present

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and engaged in that, like what is

happening in your mind and your body?

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Well, I could definitely

focus better, right.

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Instead of trying to control all

the things feel more fulfilled.

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It just feels a lot better.

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I don't know.

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I don't have the words for it.

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Do you feel like it's more calm?

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Do you feel like more

calm, more connected?

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Yeah, I think so.

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I, I mean, even though it's

not necessarily calm, right?

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Things could still be happening

and screaming, whatever.

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I am able to almost, I don't want

to say compartmentalize, but almost

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segment things like, yeah, that's okay.

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That's going to be a mess right now.

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That's okay.

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That's going to be

losing control right now.

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The focus is this thing right here.

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Yeah.

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And so that's, that's the magic right

there because you're creating the, the

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calm within no matter what's happening

outside of you, you're creating the

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calm within and allowing yourself

to not be distracted by like, Oh,

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I'm thinking about the to do list.

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I'm thinking about, you know,

I've got to do this next.

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I've got to do that next.

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I got to do that next instead of,

you know, just like spending a few

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minutes with the child reading the

book or, or listening or looking in

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their eyes or, or whatever it is.

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That's what being present is.

433

Yeah, it has very little to

do with physical presence.

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Right.

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And everything to do with

what is happening inside

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our minds and in our bodies.

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And so that's, that's what I help my

clients understand and learn how to use.

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And so then what happens

is the chaos is around.

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The chaos doesn't usually change.

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Right.

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Everything that changes is what's,

what's happening inside of us.

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And that's us learning how to

manage our minds and our bodies

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so that we can be present.

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We can have the experience that

we want to be having in life.

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No matter what is happening around us.

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Yeah.

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Right.

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And, and to go back to what you were

saying before, like the, the way

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we can give independence to those

around us, children, employees,

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anyone that we manage or lead, what,

what does that look like tactically?

451

Like, okay, I've got a kid that

really wants to learn how to do

452

something and I'm going crazy

because he's making such a mess.

453

Or I have a employee I have to train and

they just can't get this thing right.

454

How do I manage my own mind

so that I'm not going crazy?

455

While they're not doing things,

quote unquote, the right way,

456

right, the right way, the fast

way, right, the efficient way.

457

I know how to do it.

458

Yeah, like you're better at it.

459

Of course, you're better at it.

460

Right.

461

No one can do it as well as you can, like,

Sometimes we feel guilty because it's

462

like, oh, I can and so I should, right?

463

And so we kind of feel guilty

that we're not doing it.

464

So there's a lot of, first we have

to identify like, okay, that's

465

getting in my way and I'm gonna

let it not get in my way anymore.

466

I'm gonna allow myself to

allow them to be independent.

467

Do you see what I mean?

468

Like, like it's a decision.

469

Yeah.

470

It's a decision to let the people around

us be independent because we value that.

471

Mm-Hmm.

472

, we value their independence.

473

Yeah.

474

And so if we don't value another

person's independence, then it's

475

going to be a little bit of a

harder road to make it happen.

476

So first, let's try to get in the space

that we value them being able to do it.

477

And the way that we can start to value

somebody else doing is we can start to

478

think, okay, well, what are the good

things about them being independent?

479

Like I know it takes more time now,

but it'll be more efficient later.

480

Yeah.

481

If, if they learn how to do this

and they learn how to help me with

482

this or whatever, I know that it,

that it's really messy now, but

483

he's going to get better at this.

484

It won't make such a mess later.

485

And he'll learn how to, how to learn

new things, you know, in the future.

486

And so it will be worth it.

487

And I value the end result more than my.

488

Ability to get the job done right now.

489

Yeah.

490

Well, and what an important shift, right?

491

What you did was you took it from

me needing things to be clean and

492

efficient and quick to valuing

someone's independence and their agency.

493

It goes from selfish to how

am I being a leader, right?

494

Because the control freak is the

one that does all the things.

495

That's not a leader.

496

A leader is able to take their hands

off the wheel and say, here, you try.

497

And let me.

498

Do my best to patiently watch and lead

and guide while you do things clumsily

499

and wrong, you know, as, as we speak,

my eight year old is making cupcakes.

500

It's going to be like a bomb went

off when I come out of my office

501

and I'm like breathing through it.

502

It's going to be okay.

503

But, but that's, that's the shift.

504

I see it as it's not about me.

505

It's about leading and

guiding another human being.

506

And I value that like

that is important to me.

507

It is important to me that that

it's important to me that your

508

eight year old learns how to

bake something in the kitchen.

509

Like, it's important to me and so

I'm sure it's very important to you

510

that that your eight year old learns

how to do something in the kitchen.

511

Right.

512

And the only way that they're going

to learn how to do that is by learning

513

how to do it, experiencing it.

514

And so, so when we, when we move it

into like, no, I actually value this.

515

This is important to me to create for

my child or for my employee, because

516

I want this kind of a business.

517

I want this kind of experience at

work where, where we're supportive

518

and where we have a team and I'm not

doing everything, but other people

519

can shine and they can grow and they

can become experts at something.

520

Like, once we, once we step into

valuing that, it becomes a lot easier

521

to take our hands off that wheel the

way that that we're thinking we need to.

522

And so I, I actually

was thinking about this.

523

I have a couple of, of things about

my son, but I want to say 1st, this

524

week, my son had lacrosse trials.

525

All right, for the high school,

he's only a freshman, but.

526

Because they don't have a

junior high program, then he

527

gets to be at the high school.

528

So the coach, he made a certain

team, but he wants the next level up.

529

So he started talking to the

coach, like texting the coach or

530

whatever, like, what can I do to,

like, get on this next level team?

531

And I'm so impressed by what this

coach told him, because he said, Hey,

532

listen, I want you to be an X Man.

533

So that is the person behind the net.

534

If anybody knows lacrosse, that is

the, the one that's going to score,

535

but he's behind the other team's net.

536

And then he would like come around kind

of closely to the net and has like a

537

couple of different moves that the coach

wants him to learn how to do to make a

538

shot a specific way from behind the net.

539

And the coach told him, if you learn how

to do these things and you show me that

540

you're competent at it, then you can

make this team, this next level team.

541

And I was like, wow, what just happened?

542

With that, with that coach and that

direction, because usually someone

543

would say, Hey, just work harder.

544

Yeah, just keep trying

and you'll get there.

545

Right.

546

But then he has no idea how to do it.

547

And I'm watching my, my child

get this kind of direction.

548

From his coach, like

specific, clear direction.

549

And he says, yeah, like, like Coleman

says, can I stay after practice and work

550

with you so you can show me what to do?

551

Yes.

552

So he stays a half hour after then the

coach tells him, Hey, why don't you

553

look at these different college games?

554

And you'll see what I'm

talking about with this move.

555

So he's sitting there, you know, at 10

o'clock at night, watching the final game

556

from last year's NCAA tournament saying to

me, Oh my gosh, they do this all the time.

557

You know, he's watching somebody

do really well, the thing

558

that he's been asked to do.

559

And I I'm just finding it so fascinating

when, when the coach has chosen to give

560

him something specific to move forward

with how quickly he's moving forward.

561

And I know without a doubt that,

that my 15 year old is going to

562

become an expert at that shot.

563

Yeah.

564

Yeah, I know.

565

And so I'm, I'm watching this opportunity

for him to become independent at something

566

and the confidence that, that goes, like,

he is thinking he is like number one.

567

And he does not know

how to do the thing yet.

568

You know what I mean?

569

He sees number one and that's,

what's going to create his

570

ability to be number one at this.

571

And so I think it's really fascinating

because oftentimes we, we think that

572

when we do it for them, it's faster, it's

more efficient, it's whatever, but like,

573

how, what are we not allowing them to

grow in because we are doing it for them.

574

I am, it's, it's playing

out before my very eyes.

575

Yeah.

576

Teenagers will do that to you.

577

And it's, it's fascinating.

578

And so, and so I'm just really grateful

for a coach who sees his opportunity

579

to guide a kid into something.

580

And that's all that

we're talking about here.

581

We're just guiding an employee or we're

guiding a child or whatever into something

582

greater than what they already are.

583

Yeah.

584

And it's such a valuable, incredible

experience to watch, but while we're doing

585

it, it might feel kind of uncomfortable.

586

Yeah, because I had this, I kind of told

you this when we were meeting before

587

the same, you know, Coleman, he was in

a play like a musical and he decided he

588

wanted to wear his contacts instead of.

589

His glasses, he's always worn his

glasses, hasn't been wearing his contacts,

590

and he wants to wear his contacts.

591

So every morning before school, I was

having to put the contacts in because

592

like, we're late, I'm faster at it,

I can make it happen really quick.

593

You know, we got to get to

school on time, whatever.

594

And then you combine that with,

there's a weird, okay, it's not weird.

595

I'm not going to say weird.

596

It's a hairstyle at the junior

high that his hair does not go

597

the way that the hairstyle is.

598

And so it requires like a flat iron to

kind of like, Do just a little bit on

599

a nice mom, she a little on the front.

600

And so I've been doing this flat

iron thing, you know, to help him.

601

And now the contacts are happening.

602

So both things were

happening before school.

603

And finally I realized

like, what, what am I doing?

604

What am I doing with this?

605

And, and I realized, okay, I'm

believing that he can't do it.

606

I'm thinking that I'm the only

one that can do it this fast

607

as well, you know, whatever.

608

And what if I don't think that anymore?

609

What if I don't think that anymore?

610

Like what will happen if I help him

be independent in this situation?

611

So I told him, okay, this is the

last time I'm doing the hair.

612

This is the last time

I'm doing the contacts.

613

Just so you know, wake up

enough time to make it happen.

614

All right.

615

So next morning, what happens?

616

He's doing his contacts.

617

It takes forever.

618

He's like, mom, can you just help me?

619

I'm like, I can't, but I totally

believe that you can do it.

620

Okay.

621

So that's what I was

saying out of my mouth.

622

Right.

623

But that is not what I was

feeling inside my body, what

624

I was feeling inside my body.

625

And so this is where I think it's really

important for us to remember, like,

626

it's not just necessarily like this

easy peasy, Oh yeah, you just go do it.

627

And it's amazing.

628

Go be independent.

629

No, like it required management.

630

So I'm sitting there, I'm watching

him and I'm going through in

631

my head, like, don't say it.

632

Don't say it.

633

Don't say it.

634

Don't say it.

635

Like I'm telling myself,

like, don't step in.

636

Don't do it.

637

He can do this.

638

Remember, this is the line you've drawn.

639

Like I am convincing myself,

reconvincing myself why I want

640

him to learn how to do this.

641

And if I step in, then I'm

reinforcing the opposite thing.

642

Yes.

643

And there was a point where

I even had to walk away.

644

Yeah.

645

Like, okay.

646

And I walk into the bathroom, you know,

and I'm like, I know you can do it.

647

And I walk out.

648

All of that is happening within me.

649

And I think that might be the part

that, that when we're trying to help

650

our employees or help our children be

more independent, we forget that part

651

that like we have to manage ourselves.

652

Yeah.

653

In order to carry it out.

654

Well, guess what?

655

Just so you know, this morning and

for the last week, he's done his hair

656

and he's done his contacts, right?

657

Like he can do it.

658

He can do it, but it

required me not stepping in.

659

And so I had like, it was a process.

660

So if any of you out there listening,

it's like, man, this is hard.

661

I just want to do it.

662

Or I just, we're going to be

late for school or whatever.

663

It's like, it's okay.

664

Right.

665

This is important.

666

This is what I want.

667

This is going to be good for him.

668

And you know what I see happen in a

situation like you're describing here

669

is all you wanted to do was to step in.

670

From pure motives, because you wanted to

be this helping, loving, wonderful mom.

671

And also because you wanted him to

not be late for school, but you're

672

stepping in, like you're saying, just

reinforces you're not quite ready.

673

Son, right?

674

The opposite of what we're trying to

do with our teens, which is enable

675

and empower and let them try out life.

676

Even if it's messy and they fall

and they stumble on their late for

677

school, because you have faith in him

because you believe in him, right?

678

We think that we're coming in

to save and rescue and it's this

679

wonderful thing, but eventually.

680

It becomes a hindrance to them.

681

And if we want to raise independent

children, we have to learn to let go.

682

You know, I see this a lot in when

I, when I coach moms whose kids are

683

becoming teenagers, it's a really

tough shift because you go from being

684

your child's everything in the world.

685

They need you for everything.

686

And it, it's a very

empowering feeling, right?

687

You're like, well, I'm, I run everything.

688

I rule everything.

689

They can't survive without me.

690

And then little by little,

they need you less and less.

691

And there's a lot of

work to be done for mom.

692

It doesn't make you less valuable.

693

It doesn't mean that your life is over.

694

This is what we've been working for

is to have an independent child, but

695

gosh, it requires mind management.

696

Yeah.

697

And so it's like a different work.

698

I think that's kind of fascinating

and maybe to reframe it instead of

699

like, oh, they don't need me anymore.

700

Yeah.

701

No, they need me in a different way.

702

They need me to be a mentor.

703

They don't need me to be the,

the doer of all the things.

704

They need me to be a mentor.

705

And so now I'm going to figure

out what that looks like.

706

I'm going to figure out how to do

that because I'm not exactly sure.

707

How and so that's like our own

learning and growth that can

708

happen instead of thinking.

709

Oh, no, they don't need me.

710

It's like, oh, yeah, they totally need

me, but it's just in a different role.

711

Yeah, I'm used to and so I'm going

to figure out how to do that role.

712

Yeah, that is a really

great way to put it.

713

And it just requires a little bit

of a shift when you were talking

714

about being a guide, you know,

in, in business leadership books,

715

we're often taught to not be the

bottleneck in our business, right?

716

Don't have every decision go through you

because it slows everything down, right?

717

You have to delegate so that other people

can have some of that responsibility.

718

And I see us doing that in our families

as well, sometimes where we're not the

719

gatekeeper, we're the guide, right?

720

There's a difference between

everything passes through me.

721

I have to approve everything.

722

I have to decide everything versus

Let me show you how and, and give

723

you some independence to do it.

724

And that guide is, is a really fun role.

725

I'm really loving it now, but at

first it's a little bit tricky.

726

Yeah, I can see that.

727

Yeah, for sure.

728

What do you, what do you feel like

are the barriers that people, they

729

can't step into the guide role

because of what, what do you think?

730

I think it's a couple of things we've

talked about before not wanting to

731

relinquish it right wanting to be

to keep that role that you've been

732

so comfortable with for so long.

733

Another one is fear there's a lot of

fear that our kids are our assistant

734

or somebody is going to mess something

up irreparably, especially our, our

735

kids Oh my gosh, they're going to go

out and destroy their lives because I

736

wasn't watching careful enough, right?

737

You know, because in the early

years, it is our responsibility to

738

make sure our two and three and four

year olds are safe and not making

739

decisions that will ruin their life.

740

But 15, 16, 17 year old way less.

741

So right now they're getting in a

car and they're driving away from

742

us and they're making decisions

that really can impact them forever.

743

That's terrifying.

744

I see a lot of fear come up around that.

745

Okay, so

746

what would be the way

to, to combat that fear?

747

Because in my mind, the way that I do it

is again, I look at the value of not being

748

fearful of it of them doing the thing.

749

So, you know, Coleman is

learning how to drive right now.

750

He's got his learners permits.

751

I'm sitting in the

passenger seat, whatever.

752

And.

753

In my head, I know that it's really

important for him to be able to learn

754

how to drive and it's going to be

really important for him to go off

755

and drive himself different places

and so, all right, let's do this

756

and I'm going to manage my own fear

that something will happen to him.

757

You know, and and say, yeah, you're right.

758

Something could happen.

759

Something could happen to him

because like, we're, we live in a

760

world where things happen, right?

761

And it's also going to be okay.

762

He also is learning how

to work through things.

763

He, he also is learning

how to problem solve.

764

And so whatever happens, we can do this.

765

He can do this.

766

I have to protect him from

anything bad happening.

767

Right.

768

Yeah.

769

like, like we want them

to be problem solvers.

770

And so there has to be some trust

that like, yes, we can handle, he

771

can handle, she can handle, right.

772

If something goes wrong.

773

Yeah.

774

The analogy I love to use is you

know, when your baby is learning to

775

walk, none of us would ever consider.

776

Holding that baby for the

rest of their life, right?

777

We let them stumble.

778

We let them get the bruise.

779

That's always on their

face for a year, right?

780

Because they're always

tripping and falling.

781

And yet with some of those bigger

decisions, weighing that balance between

782

the fear and the, and the value that we

have of them being independent is harder.

783

For some of us, certain ones

are harder than others, right?

784

The walking thing is like, I think

sometimes a silly example because none

785

of us would ever do that and yet we do

it later on in life with driving or maybe

786

with dating or maybe with hairstyle or

whatever it is that it's so hard for us to

787

let go of, but I love that you just keep

coming back to my value set is such that.

788

He's going to be an independent adult.

789

He's going to learn this thing.

790

He's going to have the blessings and

the opportunities and the freedoms that

791

I have enjoyed for so many years and

have given me the rich life I have.

792

And in order to do that,

it has to look like this.

793

Yeah, and something else

is coming up for me too.

794

One of the things that I do a

lot of like affirmations and,

795

and speaking exactly what I want.

796

Like, I'm very careful about what I

speak out loud and, and what I think

797

about and, and one of the things that.

798

That I come back to, that's like a daily

reminder on my phone that pops up every

799

single day is I'm not doing this afraid.

800

Hmm.

801

I'm not doing this afraid.

802

And so I have, I have learned that.

803

Fear is actually rather than

like succumbing to fear or just

804

being like the victim of fear,

feeling afraid of something.

805

It's, it's just a cue in my body.

806

Like, Oh, I feel afraid what's happening.

807

What's happening.

808

And I, I do not want to

take action from fear.

809

That's what I've learned about myself.

810

I don't want to take action from fear.

811

And so if I'm feeling

afraid, then it's like, okay.

812

I don't want to say no, because I'm

afraid I don't want to necessarily say,

813

yeah, like, whatever the situation is, I

don't want to do it because I'm afraid.

814

And I feel like our emotions can be

queues for us, like little red flags

815

that we can tune in and say, oh gosh,

I don't usually make the best decisions

816

when I'm feeling this certain way.

817

And so when I feel that way, I'm going to

like, pause, wait to make the decision,

818

recognize That maybe I don't want to

make it right this 2nd and I'll come back

819

to it when I'm not feeling this thing.

820

I'm going to get myself in a place

where I'm not feeling this thing.

821

And so for me, that's that's been

really useful to just recognize

822

that I don't have to act from fear.

823

Yes, yes.

824

Oh, we could talk all day about that too.

825

We've had a, a podcast episode

all about internal family

826

systems that parts work, right.

827

And like the, the fears yelling over

here and that we can still stay in

828

the driver's seat and acknowledge it.

829

And like, I love what you're saying.

830

Use it as a cue that, huh,

something's going on for me here.

831

What is this fear about?

832

What am I afraid is going to happen?

833

What, where is that playing in

and then continue on anyway?

834

I love that.

835

So great.

836

Oh my gosh.

837

Colette, I could talk to you all

day long, such good discussion,

838

but we are totally out of time.

839

So I want you to please tell our listeners

where they can find you, learn more

840

about you glean all your wisdom and maybe

work with you if they're interested.

841

Sure.

842

So my husband and I, we

have a book it's on Amazon.

843

It's called messy victories.

844

He was He was working on it when

he passed away and I took over the

845

project and turned it into ours.

846

Let's just be honest.

847

That's what happened.

848

And so, so it is, it is our book.

849

It's How we lived our lives,

principles of success for us and

850

lots of stories and things like that.

851

So messy victories on Amazon, and

you can find me at Colette hall.

852

com or on Instagram on all

the things Colette hall.

853

Okay.

854

That sounds amazing.

855

We will definitely check it out.

856

And I really want to read your book too.

857

I'm super curious about all

the stories you're telling.

858

So Thank you so much for joining

859

us.

860

Thank you.

861

It's been a pleasure.