Why does happiness keep moving the moment you reach it? Because you are chasing an experience and calling it a state.

My whole life ran on once I get this. A better microphone, a better chair, a better whatever. Then you get it and the bar moves, because the goal was only ever a slight improvement on right now. The universe did not look at me and think, he is paralysed, we will let him off the bills. A concert is an experience. That last encore is not what life is, it is one wonderful thing that ends. When you stop trying to make the encore permanent, you stop being disappointed by the rest of it.

One thing to try: Name the last thing you were sure would make you happy. Notice where the bar moved to afterwards.

In this episode

• (1:29) Currently the Mayor of Truro, and a busy life
• (2:48) Once I get this, I will be happy
• (4:11) The goal is always a slight improvement on now
• (5:16) The universe did not let me off the bills
• (6:50) The concert, the new songs and the oldies
• (7:47) This feeling. This is happiness. Except it is not
• (10:26) Life as a collection of experiences
• (11:50) Everybody tells you their highlights, never their Tuesdays
• (15:21) The faster you go, the faster the carrot goes

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Thank you for listening.

Steven

Links to Steven Webb's podcast and how you can support his work.

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When I was a young boy, I remember wanting to be happy. And I remember thinking about what would

make me happy.

When I was a teenager. I remember going to careers at school and thinking about relationships and my future family.

And I wanted to be happy. And if anybody asked me what I wanted to be when I was older,

I wanted to be happy.

The odd thing in my life would make me happy temporarily. And if anybody would ask me what I wanted

for the next few years, I would kind of say in a roundabout way, I would say, I want to

be happy. Okay, that might have included an item or included some kind of project that I was trying to

complete at the time, but essentially I wanted to be happy. And that's a true story.

And Now I'm nearly 50, and I want to be happy. How funny it is. And I think this is

a pattern throughout our lives. And I want to discuss the paradox of being happy, the paradox of happiness on

today's podcast.

I'm Steven Webb, and this is Stillness in the Storms, and welcome to, really a new season, because I haven't

done it for a little bit. I'm currently the mayor of Truro, so my life has become really busy at

the moment, but I'm loving the privilege of doing the job. And I'm going to get back into recording more

podcasts. So here. Here's one of them, really. And I'll be sharing some of the things I'm doing on the

job as well as still, about the inner peace and the meditation and things like that. But, yeah, this is

a podcast that helps you to think a little bit differently, to help you become more aware and give you

more inner peace. So the paradox of happiness, you know, what is it? Well, in one sentence, the

paradox of happiness is you cannot be happy and want to be happy at the same time.

You cannot want something and have something. And the problem is, we spend our whole lives thinking that

if I get my job promotion, if I get a partner, if my children will be a little quieter or

if I just had, if I was less ill or I got a good diagnosis or I could run just

a little bit quicker, lose a few pound, or, you know, all these things are going to make us happy.

You know I my whole life has been based on, once I get this, I'll be happy. Once I get

a new microphone for my podcast, my podcast can be better and I'll be happier. Once I get my new

electric wheelchair, I'll be happier. And the reality is it works for a little bit. I feel a bit better.

I Have a wonderful experience of getting it, but it comes back to normal in the end. Every single time.

It comes back to normal. Really. One thing I've learned, nothing will make me happy. Nothing will make you happy.

There's not anything out there that's going to come into your life that's going to make you happy. You're not

going to become that state of happiness, and that's okay for the rest of your life. It's all done, sorted.

Because something's going to come along and you're not going to like and you're not going to enjoy, and then

your life's going to be a little less happy again. And then we. We're going to look for the thing

to make you happy. So this cycle all the time of, you know, I want to be happy, I'm happy,

I'm okay um And happiness is really a relative term to how you're feeling at the moment. You know, if.

If I'm freezing cold, putting on a jumper or getting my hat, that makes me happy. If I'm hungry, somebody

coming along and giving me my lunch makes me happy. If I'm thirsty, a drink, you know, if I'm tired

falling to sleep makes me happy. So it's relative. So basically the end goal is just a slight improvement on

our current lives. And I was having a conversation with my daughter the other day about this exact thing, and

she said, well, you're always happy, though you always seem to be happy. How come you are? And this question

has come up so many times in my life by so many people, and my answer has changed. And I

don't know whether my answer over the years has got wiser or more ignorant. I really don't know. But why

am I happy? I'm paralysed just below the neck. My got limited arm movement. I suffer from autonomic dysreflexia that

can strike at any minute. That makes me incredibly ill. That could result in a stroke or death. It's a

medical emergency um It's not as bad as it sounds. If you look it up on the Internet, it's like,

oh, that's freaky. Or that's quite, like um really bad. It's not that bad. I've lived with it for 30

years and I've got all the same issues. You know, the universe didn't go, oh, he's got enough problems, he's

paralysed. You know, I still got all the same. I still got to pay my bills. I still want to

do all the other things that are mundane in life, you know, all the things I still got all the

other illnesses as well, you know, it doesn't let me off all the other illnesses. In actual fact, they all

stack up a little more. But I'm relatively happy. But. So why is that? And years ago, I used to

say, well, I choose to be. I choose to be happy. And there's some truth to that. And then

a few years later, I'll be, well, I'm grateful for what I have. Well, there's some truth in that, too.

And now when someone says, well, what makes you happy? It's because I understand happiness. And I understand

what I suppose is the best way of explaining it is the paradox of being happy. Now then, life is

full of experiences. Every moment of every day. In your waking state, you're having an

experience. You could argue in deep sleep, you're having an experience, but you're not really aware of it. So let's

stick to the things that we're aware of. So if you're cold, you're having an experience of discomfort. If

you're. If you can't pay your bills and you're worried about your house, you have an experience of, you know,

all kinds of things, shame and all that. And you're just feeling dreadful. You could be feeling ill if you

just had a bad diagnosis from the doctor or something like that, you're feeling quite awful. It's an experience. If

you go to a concert and you have a wonderful feeling and, you know, you notice during a concert, they

play a few of their new songs and then they play a few of their oldies, and then a couple

of news and they build it up right to the end, until you get to nearly the end of the

concert and you're wondering, why haven't they played their most famous hit yet? Because they walk off stage, they're waiting

for everyone to go, encore. More, more. Because by now the crowd's really loving it, really loving it. They're slightly

disappointed that they haven't played the song. And they come out and they sit down and they jam to their

most famous song, their number one, may have been their only number one. And you just feel amazing. They've given

you this extra bit of time. They've left the best until last, the end of the thing. Everybody's quiet, you're

swaying, you've got your lighters in your hand, burning your thumb. You know, I've been there. And you just. And

you sit there and go, do you know what this is, what life's about? This feeling, this uplifted, wonderful experience?

This is happiness. But it Isn't this is the thing that's a wonderful experience, an

amazing experience, no different than the early months of a relationship. What an amazing experience that is to be in

an early relationship. I remember it well, you know, in the first couple of months of my relationships when I

was a teenager, if they phone me up said you want to come over tonight? And it was two foot

deep in snow I'll be like, yeah, I'm there. Three miles walk. I don't mind. My feet can be falling

off with cold. I'm there because it feels so good. The experience and being with them feels amazing. Give

it another three months now. Sorry. There's an inch of snow out there now. Sorry, it looks like rain. I

don't think so you have to come over here because the experience is not quite so high at that point.

But we look at the first three months of relationship as that's a relationship. It's not um We look at

the. The last encore song as that's what's amazing about life. So we go out and walk in nature. We

stand next to the ocean and we go do you know this is life. This is happiness. And we want

to recreate that feeling, that experience in everyday life. I want that while I'm going to work in a traffic

jam, I want that while I'm sat waiting in the doctors, I want that wonderful feeling two years into my

relationship. And the reality is, you're not going to have that. Because if you had that at all

points, you would want more. It's always wanting more. You know, you take anybody that gets addicted

to anything, they want more, and they want more. They always say, oh, just one will do. It's never enough.

And you take intimacy. Let's be. Let's be really, really, really blunt here um

When you start a relationship If you just, like, experiment a little bit, that's all right. That's like amazing. Three

weeks in, it's like, yeah, we're still doing the same kind of thing can We try this now seven years

in. Really, we need to find something new to do. This is like, I can't keep doing the same thing.

You know, we're always trying to up the ante, you know, and we think when we up the ante, we'll

be happy, but we won't be because it'll be just an experience. So go back to that question

of why am I happy? Why am I tend to be happy? Because I recognise the difference between happiness

and experiences.

And when we see life as a collection of experiences, whether it's a Mundane or a

bad experience or a great experience. We recognise that happiness is right in the middle.

Happiness is that line across the middle that nothing much is happening. that you feel calm

and you're just One of those days that when someone says, oh, so how was your day? It's like, yeah,

it was all right. That's happiness. That's good. It's not bad, and it's not an amazing experience.

It's right there in the middle. It's doing the hoovering, doing the dishes. It's living the normality of

every day. That's where happiness is. So the next time someone says to you, are you happy? Really?

Consider what happiness is. Next time someone says to you about experiences or what you really enjoy,

relive them in your mind and share those experiences. But don't misunderstand them as those are the

things you need to be happy, because the more you get attached to that, those are the things that make

you happy. The more that attachment will make you miserable because the more you'll think your normal life compared to

others, because whenever you meet others, they'll tell you all their wonderful experiences and you're like, yeah, that seems so

much better than mine. Your life is so much more happier than mine. No, it's not. They're not sharing the

mundane four hours that they were waiting for the washing to go around or waiting in work or just

doing the mundane editing or whatever you. Whatever we do in life, we don't share those with our friends. And

Facebook's made it even worse. You look at my Twitter or my Facebook, I'm sharing all the cool stuff. I'm

not sharing. Sorry, last four hours has been really boring. I haven't really done much. The weather has not been

that exciting. No one would follow me if I did that. So we wouldn't have very many friends if we

shared the reality of real. So we end up in this paradox of, I

want to live like them, I want to be happy, I want to have better experiences, and I want them

all the time. You know, I want that intimacy that gives me that wonderful, glowing, burning enjoyment

inside. And I want it 24 hours a day, all the time. Please. And when we realise that that's not

possible and we enjoy those as temporary highs, then we can sit back and

go what you know what? I am happy already. I don't need them to be happy. I'm just going to

enjoy them. You know they they're like the cream on the happiness. They're not happiness itself I

Hope that makes sense, you know, Contact me, go to my website StevenWebb.com and send me a message. Does that

make sense? Leave me a review on the podcasts They really help. They. They really make my day. A. They

give me feedback on am I in the right direction, am I helping you, and am I helping you to

think a little bit differently? And plus, they just. I was gonna say they make me a little happier. No,

they give me a wonderful experience when I read them. So if you can do that for me today, that

would be incredible. Amazing. Just leave a little review on the podcast. Whatever platform you listen to this podcast on,

leave a little review. And if you're feeling really awesome and happy and you've had a wonderful experience, please

share this podcast. That'd be awesome as well. Yeah, Think of. Think of happiness in a little different way. Happiness

is in the mundane because if you're bad news, you just want to be happy. And that's the middle line.

If you have a really good experience, you try to hold on to that experience. So, you know,

just reframe happiness. And

when you do that, you'll end up not being attached to, needing that happiness. I'm going to leave it with

one analogy about happiness. And it's not dangling the carrot in front of you. So you imagine a

stick that comes up from behind you, out over the front of you, out over the top of you, and

it's dangling a carrot in front of you. And the more you move forward, the more the carrot moves forward,

and the faster you go, the carrot comes slightly closer, but it never comes quite far enough.

So you're always chasing the faster you go and the faster the carrot's going. And then at some point, you

give up can do it. I'm going to stop right here. I'm not going to chase the carrot anymore. And

the problem is that feels quite miserable, that feels quite down. So you have an experience of, ah, my

life sucks, maybe, and the carrot disappears because it continues, and it continues

off ahead of you. And then something amazing happens when you stop chasing happiness. At some point, the

carrot comes back to you, swinging back, and for the first time, you grab hold of it and take a

bite. Lucky. I like carrots. Actually, that's the analogy. The more you chase something, the more it'll be

further away. The more you want it, the further it is away. So if you stop chasing happiness and just

enjoy life's experiences and don't become attached to it, so you don't need anything to make yourself happy,

you're already happy. Take a deep breath. Sit there.

If I came into your house tonight and took away some of the things that you really enjoy, your quilt

and things like that to give you a good night's sleep you'll be less happy than you are now. So

I challenge you to think about that. You're already happy because you've got the things that make you happy already.

And there's the paradox of happiness. You already have everything. You're already happy. It's already there.

You don't need anything to make you happy. When you get more things you will end up with more experiences,

more happiness. I hope that helps. I hope that helps. I hope that helps you to reframe happiness.

Take care. Have a wonderful week. And I will be back next week with another podcast. And if you do

leave a review, that would be incredible and amazing and the best thing you can do for me right now

is to leave a review. Take

care. Bye.