In this episode, we delve into part 2 of Partnering Not Parenting and how the parenting dynamic can impact communication between partners. Often, messages intended to be kind can be misinterpreted as nagging or criticism due to the ingrained roles of"controlling parent" and "petulant teenager." This dynamic can lead to a lack of affection, leaving emotional cups empty and draining energy. The solution? Start by acknowledging the imbalance with your partner and express a desire to shift towards a more equal partnership. Practice using a "kindful lens" in communication, and rebuild trust through vulnerability and recognizing moments of trust and letting go. It's about fostering a supportive and nurturing environment for both partners to thrive.

About the Host:

Meet Crystal, your relationship and social health coach. Crystal is the founder of Sparked Forever Relationship & Singles coaching. She started her journey supporting the neurodiverse community in navigating this, sometimes frustrating, neurotypical social world. Lessons and inspiration from her earlier work drives Crystal’s passion for bringing couples and singles together through acceptance, understanding and big picture thinking to grow vibrant relationships. Crystal understands that the foundation for our social health and well-being starts with making connections to others. When Crystal is not working with couples, she loves to be out on adventures with her partner and bonus kids or spending time connecting with friends over good food and fun music.

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Welcome to our love space today. Last episode. So Episode 15, we left off with the exciting question of what would it be like to have a partner to collaborate with, to partner with, rather than parent? Wow, what what a fantastic question, what a wonderful thing to envision what that would be like what it would be like to have someone that you felt was equal and on the same page as you and that you're working toward something together, what would that be like for you? How would that feel? What would your experiences be? Like? How would that improve your communication and your affection? And the way you view each other and your perspective for each other? And the energy that you have to give that other person? I really, I mean, it would, it would tune all of those things up, how could we say it couldn't? Right? Well, when you're in that parenting space, or that parenting energy, it traps, you know, think about that the sea, you know, the CNR cake, let's think about that communication piece for us, it really traps our messages, and to everything being about, you know, things being done wrong or incorrectly, right. It's all of that corrective and you know, feedback and nagging and reprimanding tone that comes out in our messages. So not only is it always just corrective or nagging feedback, but it also comes out in that tone of voice. It also comes out in that forcefulness of control. So that really throws our communication off. And our brains love to make sense of things. Now, this might not be so much for some of our neuroscience people out there. But for a big majority of us, our brains love to make sense of things by grouping and categorizing things together and making smart guesses about things that are going to happen in the future. And our brains do this sort of without even us knowing this. And this is so that they can make sense of things and make a big picture of things. And when our brain is making a big picture of things with communication, right. And this is almost like the idea of impressions. Now I've spent many, many years teaching kids and and even actually adults about how impressions are made and formed and maintained with each other and social situations. And this is the exact same thing. Because the big picture means that if your spouse is sending you lots of this negative and corrective or lots of these negative and corrective messages. All right, our brain eventually is going to just start jumping ahead, eventually, it just starts to automatically slot all of these messages into that parenting category into that nagging category into wherever your brain has decided this unpleasant experience is going it is slotting all of the messages from that person. So all of the messages from your spouse into that category, or if we're the ones doing the parenting, just know, all of your messages eventually, if you if you've been parenting too long, if you've been parenting your partner for too long, that all of your messages are getting slotted in to that corrective feedback. So that means even when you are sending a neutral or an okay, or even a nicely intended message, you're even sending a compliment or being like wow, I can't believe you did this. It is being received in that wrong category. It's being received in that negative corrective nagging category. Okay, so, right, that, that makes it very difficult, we can see then how this is easily starts to affect also, you know, our kind fulness with each other. We can even see how it starts to affect our kind fulness with each other. So that even when we've done that nice thing or that thoughtful thing or you know, whatever the parenting and the child lens is being used to view everything. Right so we're not using that kindful lens So if we're parenting our spouse, they're not using their kindful lens towards us as seeing us as a spouse, they're using their lens to see us as a parent, because there's been so much of this dynamic going on, that they're now viewing us that everything they say, is a nag, or you're wrong, or I didn't like this, or whatever, right. And if you're the spouse that's doing the parenting, you might even start to view all of their actions in a like, they just can't do anything right kind of lens, right in that or I always have to correct them, I always have to help them, or I always have to adult for them, you're viewing all of their actions through that lens. And if these are the lenses being used in your relationship, then it's going to be really difficult, really very difficult to show affection to each other, to show affection with the, you know, to have that back and forth of affection with each other to have that a in our cake. Right? So first, it's, it's, it's affecting her communication, those are the messages, right, it usually affects that part first, when we get into these unequal dynamics in relationship. And then it slides into how we see each other that perspective taking, which is kind of jumping ahead, in her case to the K. But then it slides into our affection are a part, right? So you know, it's, it's going to be difficult to show affection in a romantic way. Right? In a love of your life way to that person. If you know, your energy, if your dynamic is between a petulant teenager and a controlling parent, right? If that's where you are in your dynamic, how are you going to be romantic with each other? Right? It makes a lot of, you know, there's going to be a lot of that energy of, you should be grateful that I'm doing this for you. And larder and then to counter that. Or you don't understand me, sort of like teenage you don't understand my teenager self kind of dynamic, right? That's going to make the affection, dry up, who wants to hold hands or have sex, or a makeout? When that, right? Who wants to do that when that kind of energy is going on, when you're like, you don't understand me, the other person's like, you should be so thankful and glad that I do this for you. Oh, my gosh, we don't, we don't want that we can't come together physically. Right, we can't come together and fill up each other's emotional cups. If those are the two sides that we're coming from, that's not a ying and yang, of an active and, and passive energy that we were kind of that we were kind of talking about, in part one of this podcast, that's more of like, either a passive passive or an active active coming together. Right? And actually, my description is probably more of an active active. But you know, you can't you can't grow that affection with each other. If that is your dynamic, what you really want is that partner and he right, what you really want is that dynamic of that energy, that of that rather than that teenager, like you don't understand me and the parent, you should be so grateful as you really want that you understand me, you accept me, you know me, you support me, were on the same page. We're sharing values, right? Lots of times parents and teenagers, or parents and kids don't get along. Because they're on different values pages, right? But with your partner, you want to be like I understand your values. And maybe you know, maybe your values with each other like a Venn diagram. And they don't all overlap, but there should be some core ones that do. And when you explore those and find those, then you're like, Yes, I'm supported. So how are we going to get to that energy to that dynamic of you understand me, you accept me, you know, me, we're sharing values. We're on the same page. Were walking together on the same path. No one's being dragged down a path. How are we going to get there? Well, first, we really need to broach the topic with our partner. So whether you are the person who's realizing like, oh my gosh, what the eff I've been parenting. This is not good. And that's why things are off if you're coming from that or if you're A person who's like, oh, you know, this

is why I feel so petulant. This is why I get on all these like little tantrums and go like, just let me do it. This is why I don't like to listen, is because I'm being parented is because I'm the child in this dynamic Oh, now, whatever it is, whichever side you're coming from, the first part is going to be to broach that topic. Okay? So to say something, and for some of you who are ready, and who are feeling brave and are ready to be vulnerable, you can say something as straightforward as, hey, our dynamic is off here. It doesn't feel like we are partnering, I want to be partnering with you. Now, here's the important part. That notice there, I didn't label anyone's actions as parenting. Now I guess if you are the person who's recognizing that you are parenting, you could throw it you could throw that in there, you could be extra vulnerable and be like, Dude, this is what I feel I've been doing. But sometimes we start to label things when we're just opening up the topic. And we're just starting to think about how to tweak things, that's scary. And that's uncomfortable for everyone, whether you're the person admitting that you have maybe been doing some oopss. And, and not, you know, thinking about the energy you're putting in, or whether you're the person kind of hearing your spouse open up this topic of conversation, it's uncomfortable, and weird, and scary for everyone. And so, sometimes, if we label things too directly, this makes people feel more scared and more uncomfortable. And what we tend to do when we are more scared and more uncomfortable, is we tend to get defensive. And if our dynamic is off, you know, we have to remember that both people have played a part in creating that dynamic that no one stopped earlier and said, Ooh, what's going on here? Right? That, you know, and sometimes it's a slippery slope sometimes or sometimes it's like the universe, at the frog in the boiling water during so sometimes it's it's a dynamic that grows over time. And it's like, Oops, how did we even get here, but let's not put up those defenses, let's not twig, some things that might get those defenses up accidentally. So we can just say, hey, it feels like we're not partnering. It feels like we're not collaborating. It feels like we're, we're, you know, on a tug of war with each other, how are we going to get on to the same side? Okay, so let's envision what that positive collaborative communication is going to sound like and is going to be like, and where it's going to go from there, rather than worrying about labels and what part everyone's playing and, and whatnot, okay? At the beginning, and you don't, you don't even necessarily ever have to touch on that, if you've recognized that your dynamics are off, they're just off and let's move forward. Right. And I know for some for some of our personalities out there, and for some of our, the way some of our brains work, that just moving forward works better, right, that the actual like some of us like I'm very much a verbal processor. So for me, actually going back and talking about it does help me let go of it and get over it. But there's a lot of people who are not like that, and they don't actually need to rehash the same thing two or three or four times and verbally go through it. And for them, it's better to move on forward. So let's think about that forward motion. You can also open up the topic with something like, you know, if you want to get a bit you know, more in depth, or you want more support or you want to make it more fun, you can say like, Hey, I heard some couples are doing these card activities, and it would be fun to try. And I will actually for the values my favorite Values card pack, I will put a link on on my Tik Tok and Instagram bark forever on Instagram and at sparked underscore forever on Tik Tok. And you can find the link for those are probably also in the show notes, you'll be able to find the link. Anyhow, yeah, so we can try this fun activity. And then you can get the values cards, and then you can go through them. And it's really just a sorting activity as you each kind of sort through them and say like, Ah, this is important, this is important. And what's going to happen usually with most people because they're all nice things, right? All the values are nice is that you'll probably end up with half the deck in your this is an important values to me pile. And then what you're gonna do is you're gonna go through it again. And then you're gonna go through it again, until you get down to about five to seven values. That's like a lot for anyone to keep track of so and so you can open it up with that. You can also book some, uh, you know, value sessions with me, you know, you can be like, hey, actually, yeah, it's not it's not counseling. It's not anything scary. We're going to go it's like this fun growth activity, right? This one personal development thing, cool. Whatever you like, however, you're going to broach this topic, that's step one, you need to broach it. Okay, so you need to put that message out there, the next piece is going to be about using your kindful lands. So this is a little bit more personal, you can't boss the other person, right, we have to be careful not to boss them in choosing the kind of LEDs you can talk about it. Once the conversation is open, you can be like, Hey, I've heard about this thing in this thing called the kick model. And the K is for kindness. And that is looking at each other in the most painful way possible, and being mindful and present and in the moment, but pert for your own personal lens, these are the things I want you to think about. So you're gonna think about, you know, one of the reasons that this comes up is, like I said, a misalignment of values are not thinking about our values, or that maybe we're trying to keep up with the Joneses, or we're trying to do whatever really, we're trying, there's something about the situation where we're now trying to change our spouse, we're now trying to change that person. So we're going to reframe this, okay. And we're going to have a confidence towards each other's adulting abilities. Everyone has grown up in different houses, everyone has their own strengths and weaknesses. Everyone has their, their parts of their brain that are like high speed internet, and everyone has parts of their brain that are dial up internet, and maybe between you and your spouse, those parts are opposite. Maybe there's some overlap in your highspeed and some overlap and your dialogue, but maybe they're they're different, right, and we're going to be kindful of those differences, right? We're going to, you know, be kindful, about how we see their approaches to things in life, we're going to be kindful, about the processes they use, right? Most of us don't fall madly in love with each other, thinking, oh, this person is an absolute mess, and I'll have to fix them. And they will be a useless drain on society if I wasn't here to keep them in line. Right? Have any of you out there fallen in love with those thoughts in your head, if you have, maybe that's not your lol then. But most of us don't fall in love that way, right. And for sure, when we're first getting to know someone, we might not know all these aspects and facets about them. But I bet they actually were showing up. And we just had more and more kindful lens about it. Okay. And that's because, you know, like hiccups happen in life consequences happen. And, you know, maybe the person's reactions at certain points, you know, maybe, or our own reactions, you know, led to certain hiccups or certain things that like made things a bit more blah, that's just part of life. Hindsight is 2020. No one's ever making all 100% The perfect choices, right, and you know, we're going to, you know, maybe they'll take steps made us stop trusting our spouse at some point or putting less trust into them. And then we started doing more controlling or more changing, and then that makes even less trust, because now we're in a tug of war of sorts, rather than, you know, on the same team. So, that's what we want to do is, we want to start using our kindful lens, okay. And that means probably, the next step is going to be to build up that trust back, okay with that person, because that's what started as probably in that tug of war, right, is that loss of trust that loss and believe that I think they can adult equally to my adult team. Okay. So we know that we can build up trust, and then it will start to build a perfection again, if we are willing to be vulnerable. And if you missed out on that episode, go back to episode nine, I think it's called vulnerabilities, the new Wii or new Wii for Valentine's Day or something like that something. Anyways, this is episode nine. And we go in depth about vulnerability in there and how you can use it in your relationship. So go back and have a listen at that. So but the other thing we can do is we can also label instances where we are giving the person our trust, even if they're stupid, small, tiny things, because it's those stupid, small, tiny things

that get us in these weird dynamics. After years and years and years of being in a relationship with each other. Right? We always tend to think like it's the big things that break people up or make or cause people to be in unhappy relationships. But it's actually not it's the buildup of these small things that we don't tweak and adjust along the way. And then all of a sudden we're like at in this ditch, right of miscommunication and unhappiness and misunderstanding and, and, and in parenting our partner whatever is going on, right? And so I want you to try to label even the tiny small times that you are trusting your partner. So I'll give you a very simple example. Because you can even say, Okay, this is how you could label you. You know, you guys maybe are making a joint dinner together. This happens in our house, because, you know, we have different cooking skill sets. So sometimes if we have a group of people over another couple over for dinner, I will take care of, you know, kind of like the appy sides dessert portion. And my partner is just amazing at the main course meat sort of portion, we balance each other out that way, which is really lucky. And it's super lucky for me because I love foods. But anyways, you can even say something like, I want to tell you how to cook that chicken. I want to give you my great adulting advice on how to cook that chicken, but I am holding back, I am going to trust you and I am going to enjoy. This is also important however you choose to do it. Even if they ended up burning the chicken. Do you know what? That's not an I told you so moment? That's not a whatever moment that that's actually probably a moment to laugh at where it's like, Ha, isn't this hilarious? Where I made the effort to label this? And then it didn't really turn out right? But it's okay. It's okay. Because every once in a while you're everyone's gonna burn some chicken. And you know what? We can all laugh at it. We can all laugh at it note, remember, no one is perfect. No one is perfect, right? We have that episode about listing that if you can list like you know, the 10 things you love about your partner versus the things that annoy them, right? We remember in that episode, that no one is perfect. Everyone has their quirks. Okay, so, back on chat, we're gonna label it. Right, because that person, they're putting effort into cooking that chicken and you are putting effort in to not boasting and nagging them and parenting them. So perfect. We're all putting in some energy in to being more kindful towards each other. And to be more on the same page with each other. Then at another time, like if you really hate the way that that that not the process that they use to cook the chicken but you're like, I really hate breaded chicken, or I don't like chicken parmesan, blue, yak, whatever it is. Not in that moment. Later on when you're like, hey, let's do some meal planning or what let's think about what we're going to make this week. Oh, do you know what? I don't really love breaded chicken? Do you think when you make the chicken this week that you could choose something else than breaded chicken? Right? Is it the process is not your concern when they're doing their own adult job? Right? It's the it's the finished product? Did I get a lovely chicken dinner? Okay. So, bye, right? So you're gonna label when you're going outside your comfort zone for trust and for letting go because that's going to highlight it. And that's going to help you come together and help you guys both know that you're working on it. So another example of this just in my personal life, is sometimes I can be an interrupter being a bonus mom, and someone who's worked a lot with kids, when my partner is sometimes doing the parenting piece like that. We're teaching a lesson on this, we're giving a helpful speech about this or we're giving advice about this in my brain, because I'm so used to doing this and actually have a lot experience doing parent coaching and parent support with families is my little brain just goes on fire and it wants to jump in with so many points. Okay, but we have had conversations that me jumping in with points, I think we're like tag teaming in and out. And it's a super great dynamic, he feels that I distract his train of thought and that he can't get through the points he wants to get and then I'm taking over. And that's fair enough. It's fair enough for us to have those two perspectives. Neither one is right or wrong. They are both true. They're both true in that moment of what I think I'm doing and what he wants to do. Okay, so now, I try so hard. I try my best to sit back and Zipit who would he is doing his parenting moment because his parenting moments are important to his relationship with his children and to our relationship together and to our relationship as a whole family right So I now tried to sit back and sip it. And when he's done his parenting moment, and you know, maybe the kids have wandered off and whatnot, we will usually have an exchange and he'll be like, and he's, he's got really good at being like, Thank you for not interrupting me, and I go, Oh, my gosh, you are welcome. There were so many times I wanted to, but I've really held back. And he goes cool, right? So he knows that I'm trying, and I know that he's appreciating the time. So by labeling those things, by talking about them by having them out in the open, you both get to see that the other that each other's working on it, right. So and that each other is trying to grow together to make that partnership and those collaborative moments even better. Right. Okay, so just to recap, because that I know was tons of information today. That number one, if we've discovered we are dynamic is off, we are going to open up the topic, that of the fact that we want to be partnering, we want to be collaborating, that is where we want to go, we want to move there. Okay, too. We are going to purposefully use our kindful lands and remind ourselves okay, that we are equal adults, that both of our brains work in a wonderful and beneficial way, and that we can collaborate together and three, we are going to start building up that trust again, perhaps by showing vulnerability and 100% by labeling it and just being open about sharing when we are trusting each other. Because if we do these things, we will be partnering together instead of parenting and partnering is what's going to keep us sparked