I feel it's so important to talk about fights, arguments, disagreements because it says a lot about a person 

When you were little what did you learn about your aggression and fighting in general ?

Was aggression perceived as a threat, danger, something very bad ?

Were you punished for being aggressive ??

Aggression is a big part of human nature . I believe that it is aggression channeled in the right way that brings us forward as human beings. The art is to express it so that others can and want to listen though haha :D

Can you imagine how a person would feel if he/she has to suppress aggression for too long ?

Let's have a closer a look at it

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Unknown: 00:00:16

Hello, hello, and welcome to the Borealis

Unknown: 00:00:19

experience. I'm your host Aurora. And I'm very happy to be

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spending some time with you.

Unknown: 00:00:27

Mondays and Thursdays is when I published my episodes. And yeah,

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I don't know how that is for you. Maybe you download the

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episode on that same day, maybe during the week sometime, but

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for me, it feels like a zoo fix.

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Like, a regular meeting with friends and people I can learn

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from and it's just so incredibly precious for my soul for my

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mental health. And, yeah, I hope I can bring you lots of value,

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inspiration and hope and reflection as well.

Unknown: 00:01:13

It is December already, the year is coming to an end. And I don't

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know how this year was for you. But it was a really tough one.

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For me, as much as there was joyous times there was really

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tough times as well. Lots of learning. So, yeah, all in all

Unknown: 00:01:35

very interesting.

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Um, today I want to talk about fighting.

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aggression. I feel we need to talk about those strong emotions

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a little more often because they are embedded in our nature.

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As much as some people would like to say that no, that never

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aggressive and No, we never fight with anybody, especially

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not with our spouse. Um, I don't think that is the truth.

Unknown: 00:02:12

I don't think that it is.

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Yeah, real. I don't think that avoiding aggression at all cost

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is healthy. And yeah, as you know me already or are getting

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to know me better was every episode. What I express here is

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my opinion. I'm a life coach. I'm a physiotherapist. But you

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take it all with a grain of salt you take what is yeah. Good for

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you. What resonates for you and you leave what doesn't feel

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good? doesn't resonate with you? So how is it in your life? Do

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you have conflicts on a regular? If you look at your

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relationships, maybe you are in an intimate relationship right

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now.

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reflect for a moment. How honestly, you express yourself

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in that relationship.

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And then if you're not in a committed relationship, romantic

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relationship, however we call it nowadays.

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Look at your closest people and how you interact with them.

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Especially when something Bugsy, when something annoys you,

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when something is not going the way you imagined, because that's

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when

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friction arises, right? We don't run around and pick fights, I

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guess. Yeah, there's these people too.

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But when something happens in a different manner than we

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anticipated, when a person reacts differently than we

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wanted them to or expected them to.

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When people do things in different ways than we are used

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to doing them.

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What else can we think of when we feel disrespected when we

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feel the other person? Yeah, is not really valuing our reality.

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Our there's so many, so like endlessly.

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Like how do you say endless reasons to feel uncomfortable

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and to have aggression come up inside of you.

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And how do you deal with that?

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I will share with you in a moment.

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How it is for me and how it was for me.

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I like especially with my partners, I used to be very

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fiery.

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And what that means is that every time I felt triggered

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every time something yeah was bugging me,

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I

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started the argument. And I also have to say that I was a very

Unknown: 00:05:30

wounded woman back then, and I was with a partner, who was

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yeah, really pushing my

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buttons, and really touching my wounds on a regular and I did

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the same for him, you know, not in a good way. We just push each

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other's buttons, if not on a weekly, but bi weekly, and it

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really got really explosive, many times. And when it came to

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these fights, and I felt so triggered, and I felt so hurt, I

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would enter the argument with an intention to hurt the other

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person

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with an intention to destroy something, not in the physical

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world, like no material, no, no stuff that was laying around,

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you know, not throwing things. But emotionally, mentally, I was

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ready to, yeah, cause damage.

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And of course, if you

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know that this energy comes up, what is the outcome going to be?

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The outcome is going to be pain, disappointment, separation? And,

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yeah, lots of hurt feelings. And is that going to help the

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relationship to grow? Hmm, it turned out and I had to learn it

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the hard way, like so many things in my life, that it was

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not strengthening our relationship.

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What I've learned now in recent years,

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and this is why I'm so passionate to talk about because

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it was such a huge thing for me to find out, is that fighting is

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not a bad thing. Because that's what what I, you know, concluded

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is that fighting is gonna destroy a relationship. And then

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it's basically the end.

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And you can pack your things and get separated. And I tried to

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suppress my anger in the future, in other relationships. But that

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didn't work either. Because they ended up being aggressive in a

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very subtle, manipulative, and passive aggressive way. So I was

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really, yeah, hopeless with with that situation, because I didn't

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know okay, these feelings are there, I can't do anything about

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them. But how can I channel them outside of me

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and turn the argument into something productive.

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And what I'm learning now is that it is

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very much possible, we can learn to express our anger or sadness

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or disappointment, in a way that our partner will understand. And

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for the future, will do everything, to not make it

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happen again. And the fine line there is

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that you have to find out okay, did the other person actually do

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something to hurt me? Or is there something inside of me

Unknown: 00:09:05

that I still have to heal? Because sometimes when

Unknown: 00:09:09

aggression comes up, yeah, it can be our neighbor, a sibling

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or partner doing something that is really stupid and annoying,

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and doesn't make any sense and is maybe even harming others.

Unknown: 00:09:24

But I want you to look at it in the future. And see that

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sometimes we feel aggression. We feel irritation and agitation

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inside of us, triggered by someone on in the outside world.

Unknown: 00:09:43

But it has nothing to do with them. They just pushed the

Unknown: 00:09:47

little button. But we have to take ownership of those those

Unknown: 00:09:53

strong feelings now and find out why we are getting

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being so aggressive, and why we are feeling so sad,

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disappointed, powerless, helpless, in specific moments.

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And then the art is

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to express it. And to sit down with that person

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in taking ownership how you feel, not blaming the other

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person, because I tell you what 90% of the time, if not more, it

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is you having to do some work on your wounded internal life. And

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it has nothing to do with the person who pushed your button,

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because they didn't know better, they didn't know that he was

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still in pain, because we don't see it as an outsider, we don't

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see where you are still in need of feeling the people around you

Unknown: 00:11:04

are not given a manual on how to handle you. This is how I think

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we have to approach pretty much every relationship we are in, we

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have to assume that the people know nothing about us. And we

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have to do our part, to communicate the best way

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possible, on how our brain or heart functions, what our soul

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is longing for. And that is what true intimacy is for me

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nowadays, is to open up to my partner and to say, hey,

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you know what you said earlier,

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I felt hurt.

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It made me feel

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unvalued let's say it made me feel small. And you might not be

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aware that it makes me feel weird when you say these things.

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But this is what happened in the past. And I'm working on it. I

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don't want to be, you know, and victim mentality. I'm trying to

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hear from this.

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Can we talk about this a little further, and then move on.

Unknown: 00:12:29

So

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and you can say this in a very emotional way, right? You it's

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not about suppressing all your feelings and suppressing what

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comes up. But taking ownership for what you feel. I think that

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is the important thing that we we can all all learn here. Hey,

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this really hurt me. Instead of trying to blame and shame the

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other and attack back, which I, I used to yeah, do

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we say Hey, this is actually what's going on inside of me

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when you do these things, when you say these things? And can we

Unknown: 00:13:08

do something about it. And then the other person learns

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something about you without feeling blamed or shamed. So

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their channels of communication are still open, they're not

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experiencing a shutdown.

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And you get to express yourself, what's going on, and it is

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incredibly healing.

Unknown: 00:13:29

It is so awesome, because

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the argument is, as short as possible, the suffering is as

Unknown: 00:13:39

short as possible. And it is just, yeah, a great way to

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connect with your partner on a deeper way. in a deeper way,

Unknown: 00:13:49

sorry. You know, so often we are in long term relationships, and

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kind of start accepting things that Yeah, I know I asked about

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the other person, but we decide not to say anything, because it

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is not really important. And some things are really not

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important to mention. But some some things are and if you

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decide to not talk about it, then it is like a blister, you

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know like a pimple

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that is growing and growing and growing and it's gonna start to

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hurt and you're gonna start and be sharp and like weird with

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your partner, you're going to maybe start avoiding them, or

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you're going to start teasing them and and hurting them. And

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that is not good. That is going to create separation. People are

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going to start building walls and guard their heart. And

Unknown: 00:14:54

it's, it's not good to live that way. And I observed that you

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know, with my

Unknown: 00:15:00

Parents with my grandparents even

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many, many times

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to then see me acting the very same way. So it is so

Unknown: 00:15:11

interesting to look at. How do your parents fight? How was it

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when you were small? And you observed or were in fights

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yourself? What did you learn about arguments? Did you learn

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that it is a bad thing and it leads to separation on pain? Or

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did you learn that it is okay to express your emotions and to

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totally lash out? Or did you learn on how to communicate when

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something is? Yeah, not so awesome in your life. So, as

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usual, I'm burning to hear your experience with fighting and how

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you deal with with fights with your spouse, with the parents,

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with your friends, with your siblings, whoever it is,

Unknown: 00:16:04

because I believe we can all learn from each other. We can

Unknown: 00:16:07

all help each other out. Connect with me on Facebook, Aurora

Unknown: 00:16:12

Eggert coaching, or simply Aurora Eggert. shoot me a

Unknown: 00:16:16

message there. You can connect with me on Instagram the

Unknown: 00:16:20

Borealis experience. And if you don't mind, make some time and

Unknown: 00:16:27

leave a review on Apple podcast

Unknown: 00:16:30

or a rating. And same goes for the Aurora Eggert coaching

Unknown: 00:16:37

page. It means the world to me and helps me to be more visible

Unknown: 00:16:43

to people out there who would yeah greatly need the content to

Unknown: 00:16:49

heal and to feel less lonely. And yeah, you are playing a big

Unknown: 00:16:54

part in that. Thank you so much for listening. I'm sending my

Unknown: 00:16:58

love out to you. Until next time, take good care. Bye bye