Eager to get out from under Fidus Achates' thumb, Jack and Jose confront Edwith.

JACK OF ALL TRADES is a Faustian Nonsense Original. Check it out and read the full scripts under "transcript" at faustiannonsense.com/jack-of-all-trades , and subscribe to our Patreon at patreon.com/faustiannonsense .

Cast:

Jaci Szilagyi as Jack Withers

Joe Cruz as Jose Perez

Trevor Schechter as Ilci Scarlassara

Amelia Kinch as Edwith Knight

Episode 11: En Garde

INTRO

JACK

Hi! I’m Jack. Listen closely, it’s all real and very, very important.

JOSE

You still think this is some grand adventure, don’t you?

JACK

It’s my story. Our story.

Thanks for listening to...Jack of All Trades.

JOSE

Is that seriously what we’re calling it--?

[Cut to intro music.]

SCENE ONE

[Keystone activates as the elevator doors close, in the elevator on the way up to EDWITH’s apartment. ILCI and JOSE are on a video call on JACK’s phone.]

JACK

We’ll play it cool.

ILCI

I should hope you will. Whereas I’ll just bury myself as deep in Jose as I can, be silent, and hope to whatever deity you personally believe in that no one notices.

JACK

How would she know! You’re not even here! It’s a video call!

ILCI

It’s still an unnecessary risk! I’ll be puppeting blind, you know. I can’t see or hear a damn thing--

JACK

If Jose were here with me physically, and without you, he’d try to kill me again.

JOSE

Without hesitation.

JACK

Can’t tell if that’s the fae deal talking or you.

JOSE

A gentleman never tells.

ILCI

I want it on record that I don’t approve.

JACK

You don’t have to like it, but it’s the best shot we’ve got at trying to convince her to do the right thing. Together.

If it’s just me, she might think... Never mind.

JOSE

Yeah, feeling great about this. Only a little bit like my ribs are out of order. Hell, I’ve nearly forgotten the impromptu near-amputation! Water under the bridge.

JACK

[Snorts]

Well at least we know you’re not fae. Just... I don’t know what she meant last night, okay? We don’t know for sure that she’s...Just play it cool.

JOSE

Work my vocal chords like they’re definitely not shredded. Got it.

[He coughs a little. There’s a soft humming sound, then he coughs one more time. Clears his throat. He sounds tons better.]

Ilci, could you--? Hah. Thanks, love. But quit expending energy like that. I’m not going to just up and die, you know.

ILCI

You don’t know that.

JACK

What a good boyfriend you totally don’t have.

JOSE

Yeah, yeah. Time to be imaginary, boyfriend.

[Sounds of ILCI receding as best he can]

Never gonna hear the end of that, huh?

JACK

Never ever.

[The elevator dings and opens into EDWITH’s apartment.]

Hey, g’morning Ed! ...Ed?

EDWITH

[From the office]

Just a moment!

[Beat, then EDWITH’s joining her. She’s carrying a tray of plastic wrapped sandwiches.]

Sorry, hard to balance it all. I wasn’t sure if either of you had any dietary preferences--

JACK

What? What is all this?

[Taking a sandwich and unwrapping it]

EDWITH

Lunch! I did promise, didn’t I? Lunch for the whole crew once I got back. You, me, and Mr. Perez. Although I suppose I’ll keep his in the fridge until he can join us in person.

[Takes a deep breath]

Mr. Perez, I think we would benefit from starting over. Don’t you?

JOSE

And that’s what the sandwiches are meant to do?

EDWITH

They could. If you’d like.

JOSE

[Non-committal noise.]

...Hm. ...Save the turkey bacon club. But I’m not agreeing to anything yet.

EDWITH

Of course.

[Ed sets down the tray, then picks up JOSE’s sandwich to put in the fridge.]

JACK

[Enthusiastically tucking into her own sandwich.]

Glad you’re back safe, Ed. It’s good to have you home.

EDWITH

Thank you. I ought to congratulate you both on jobs well done, too. Especially given how intense the circumstances were. I really didn’t expect things to go that awry.

JACK

Actually, we had some questions for you--

JOSE

Do you want to be freed from Fidus Achates or not?

JACK

Jose!

JOSE

What? You were taking your sweet time.

EDWITH

[After a pause.]

I thought I told you before, Jack, that it’s more complicated than that. It’s not just a yes or no question. Neither is really accurate.

JOSE

...Because Fidus Achates isn’t holding you captive. Is that right?

EDWITH

Well. Yes. That’s correct. I work here of my own free will.

JACK

But...But you said before--

EDWITH

I am well aware of what I said, and it remains true. Quitting Fidus Achates or being fired would be a terminally stupid decision. I still have no intention to experience either. Is that so difficult to understand?

JACK

You--You can’t mean that.

JOSE

Yeah she can.

EDWITH

I had rather hoped we could return to work as normal. There’s not much call for this level of catastrophizing unless you’re actively seeking--

JACK

Then let us go!

EDWITH

I beg your pardon?

JACK

You’re the one we’re in an employment contract with, right? Our direct management.

You can use the neuralyzer, flashy thing, then boom. We’re free to live our lives without knowing it’ll end bloody!

I didn’t sign up for this risk!

JOSE

[Snorts]

She won’t do that.

EDWITH

Mr. Perez is correct. Even if I did think that was wise, I cannot fathom explaining such a decision to my higher ups. Now, Jack, let’s tone down the dramatics--

JACK

If I quit right here, right now, will you be the one to kill me?

EDWITH

Mm, no. Terminations are handled by the fae directly. Besides, if that were a genuine concern, I would be obligated to prevent it in any way I could. It’s messy, you know.

[Beat]

Your adoptive parents...the ones you left behind you in Southern California. Marjorie and Allen Withers, right? 16 Bellesouth Lane? They go drinking at a local wine bar every Thursday. They’ve been renewing the missing persons ad for you every three days, you know. There are billboards all over San Diego with your face and your mother’s phone number on them.

JACK

[Choked up]

Why are you telling me this?

JOSE

Holy fuck...

EDWITH

Because it is my job to manage this branch and minimize potential catastrophe. Do you really think I didn’t even google your name when you applied?

JACK

Oh my god...

EDWITH

But this doesn’t need to be a concern if you don’t quit! There’s no need for all this unpleasantness. Jack, I’m just trying to show you how useless it is to pick a fight with FA.

[Short sigh.]

I suppose it’s pointless to hope for a nice lunch now, isn’t it? But here are the complaints you are to respond to today regardless. You are welcome to take some sandwiches with you.

[Paper sounds]

JACK

Yeah. Got it. Anything else? Do we get a life insurance policy or anything?

EDWITH

There’s nothing else, and no. You opted out of the insurance plan when you signed on. I can reproduce the documents for you if you like.

JACK

That won’t be necessary.

[She stalks off towards the elevator, but JOSE stops her. She turns to EDWITH just as the doors open. Jose speaks quickly enough that EDWITH doesn’t get the chance to defend herself.]

JOSE

Jack, wait. Point me at her. Yeah, there-- Y’know Jack’s been defending you constantly. Talking about how you’d protect us, how you’re not heartless, how she just knows you care about us. She’s bent over backwards to give you the benefit of every well earned doubt. But you’re still Fidus Achates, aren’t you? You’re no better than the fae. C’mon Jack. Let’s go.

[The elevator doors close. JACK pushes the button. JACK is quiet.]

Shit. ...Sorry. Look--It’ll be okay.

JACK

Yeah. It will be.

Hey, Ilci? You still there?

ILCI

I am, and I won’t say I told you so. Jose has informed me that it’s rude, apparently... even if it’s true.

JACK

You can heal, right?

ILCI

Heal? Pfah! I perform miracles to shame Ermelinda of Meldert. Do you see Jose’s body? How it’s still standing despite actively avoiding a deal with the fae? Do you know how many times they’ve tried to disintegrate his lungs this morning alone? Why, I had to--

JACK

And you can heal fast. Good. Can you heal people you aren’t possessing?

ILCI

I...can. It takes considerably more effort and power, and I can’t exactly cease the attentions I’m giving Jose--

JACK

So you need to recharge. For how long? What do you need?

ILCI

That’s an egregious oversimplification.

JOSE

What the hell are you on about--?

[Elevator doors open, Jack gets out and leaves the building]

Just answer the question.

ILCI

Half a day or so, I don’t know! Why are you asking?

JACK

I have an idea. I need you both to trust me. Do you trust me?

JOSE

I do. Yeah.

JACK

Ilci?

ILCI

I trust Jose.

JACK

Good enough.

[JACK gets into her car. The engine turns over, she starts driving. There’s a solid pause before anyone speaks.]

ILCI

Well, look on the bright side! Now we know for sure, and that makes things a lot easier doesn’t it?

JOSE

[Groans]

ILCI

In terms of making the choice of dispatching your employer, I mean. Emotionally, I’m sure it’s still very difficult to parse, Jack.

JOSE

...and...?

ILCI

...and we’re here to support you?

And we’re here to support you.

JOSE

We don’t have to talk about it now.

JACK

No, it’s fine.

JOSE

Is it?

[JACK doesn’t respond. JOSE sighs.]

ILCI

Not to press salt on a fresh wound, but... We don’t exactly have the time to mourn. If we have any hope of catching your employer off guard enough to divest her of her contracts--

JOSE

Is that the only way out of this job?

ILCI

I’m afraid so. There are some...alarming clauses in your employment contracts. Some we already knew about, Jose, but yours in particular Jack. Let’s just say Fidus Achates took “at will” employment rather literally.

JOSE

Shit.

ILCI

Mmhm. And if she won’t give up the contracts willingly, then our only option is to see that the party you are both bound to is...well. No longer capable of holding contracts at all.

JACK

You mean dead.

ILCI

[Beat]

I do, yes.

JOSE

Shit. Look, we really don’t--

[The car parks and turns off.]

--wait, is that your car? Why are you here? The jobs are over on the east street strip mall.

JACK

Yeah, I know. I’m not going to the strip mall.

JOSE

Wait, what--?

JACK

Come down. I need you to take my keystone.

JOSE

Easier said than done. Hold on.

JACK

I just need to do some thinking. See what all we have on our side. Try to figure out a way to... I don’t know. There isn’t really much point for me.

JOSE

What the hell does that mean?

JACK

No, nothing. I’m just...thinking. I need to think.

[Beat]

Go snuggle or whatever it is you need to recover. Be at the top of your game. We’ve got some time before I get in trouble for not doing what I’m supposed to, and you guys can at least honestly claim that I wouldn’t drive you to the job site. So take the time off. I’ll be back in a while.

[JACK rolls down her window]

JOSE

[Hangs up the call, is talking in person now]

What the hell do you think you’re doing? You can’t just up and leave whenever you get scared! Is that what you’re doing? Leaving us behind, too?

JACK

I’ll talk to you both later.

[She takes off her keystone and passes it to ILCI]

JOSE

No, fuck that--hey, hey!

[Sounds of Ilci taking the keystone.]

Ilci, quit it! Give it back to her! I’m not done talking! She’s gonna do something stupid and--

JACK

Hold on to it for me?

[The car engine starts up again.]

ILCI

I will. Do come back, won’t you? Jose has grown fond of you.

JACK

[She doesn’t respond. She rolls up her window and drives off.]

ILCI

[Beat]

Love?

JOSE

Shit. Shit. Shit fuck, shit.

ILCI

[Sighs]

Come now. Let’s go inside.

[Keystone deactivating.]

SCENE TWO

ILCI

[Keystone activates as he closes their apartment door and locks it. We hear JOSE’s activate too, it’s somewhere else in the room.]

I think I might have a surprise for you.

[ILCI huffing as he bends down and starts messing with something.]

Oh, there’s still plenty up my sleeves. You were certainly surprised in Venice.

[Pause for other side of conversation.ILCI stops his rummaging around.]

You don’t remember? Ah. My apologies, love, I didn’t mean to-- I forget how much damage you’ve shouldered recently. I’ll have to be more thorough in my efforts to repair you.

[ILCI uncaps the chalk pen and goes back to drawing the ward on the doormat. Pause for other side of conversation.]

I don’t need luck, I have skill. ...Now, do you know what this is?

[Pause for other side of conversation.]

Sort of! Although, does it still count as a chalk circle if I’m using a chalk pen? Chalk as ink seems like it ought to have separate properties, doesn’t it? But they do run so much more smoothly.

[Pause for other side of conversation.]

Hah. So charming. It’s a good thing I love you. But the point of this chalk circle... Mm, and that symbol goes here, and...

[Pause for other side of conversation.]

What? Yes! It’s a ward. Didn’t you wonder why I was putting it on our door mat? Other than the mat being unsightly, yes. All that’s left is... There!

[There’s a sound of magic being activated, ILCI laughing delightedly. Then the laughter slowly melds with another sound as ILCI manifests on his own. His voice is fully separate from JOSE’s.]

JOSE

[He sounds like himself again.]

Whoa. Ilci?

ILCI

Voila! See? I told you you’d be surprised.

JOSE

[Rushes to go hug and kiss him. Speaking between kisses, and still sounds like a grouch. ILCI is laughing]

This is such a bad idea. You’re such an idiot. I’m going to have the urge to go kill Jack any second now. And if I resist it, I’m going to lose my lungs. Again.

ILCI

[Laughing as JOSE keeps stealing kisses/kisses his nose and cheeks/general cute nonsense.]

The ward isn’t a mere decoration! You are essentially trapped in here...with me. At least until we break the ward and venture out into the world again. Which, I suppose we’ll have to do eventually, but--

JOSE

For now it means no compulsions, no lung damage. Damn. That’s smart.

ILCI

I thought you said I was a ‘nerd?’

[He gets bowled over onto their couch.]

Oof! Easy love, you still have some internal damage--

JOSE

Both. Definitely both. A smart nerd.

ILCI

Yours regardless.

JOSE

Hah. I like the sound of that.

ILCI

You’re going to like this bit a little less--

JOSE

[Groans]

Oh come on, do we have to?

ILCI

If Jack seriously intends to try to break her contract with Fidus Achates, it’s...not going to go peaceably. Even if your employer decides to try on being reasonable or sympathetic for a change--

JOSE

[Snorts]

ILCI

--and I doubt she will, she’s still the least of our concerns. The fae that run Fidus Achates will not take kindly to someone managing to escape. Even if they abide by all the rules in doing so.

JOSE

[Beat]

Do you think she’s really going to come back, though?

ILCI

What?

JOSE

Jack. She could just run away. It’s what she did to her family. It’s why she’s here in the first place.

ILCI

I...I don’t know her as well as you do. I don’t know. What do you think?

[JOSE doesn’t answer. ILCI sighs.]

Then what harm is there in assuming the best?

JOSE

The ‘best’ meaning that we’ll be trying to kill Edgar and avoid the wrath of FA fae. ...Oh. Wow. “FA.” “Fae.”

ILCI

They aren’t terribly subtle, are they? Rather gauche, really.

JOSE

[Mocking]

“So gauche”.

ILCI

Oh, you.

Well. No more delays. Let me have a look at you.

[He pats his chest. Or something to have JOSE snuggle closer.Slow start to healing magic, build to a steady hum.]

JOSE

If she’s gone for good and you’ve gone and given me a migraine, you’re sleeping on the couch.

ILCI

Oh good, you still aren’t fae. I’m not sure I would know how to heal a fae’s memory.

[There’s sounds of magic thrumming softly.]

JOSE

I mean it!

Ow.

ILCI

Sorry.

I’ll believe that threat the day you actually make good on it.

JOSE

[Beat]

Say you have my memory all healed up--

ILCI

[Muttering]

I’m good, but I’m not that good.

JOSE

--and I’m as healthy as can be, so that I can last for a bit without you keeping me on magical life support. Enough that you can heal others like Jack apparently wants you to. Say that everything is perfect.

ILCI

Mm. All you would need to do is force your employer to resign as your manager, or...kill her. That would be a significant enough change in the nature of your employment that it would require your contracts to be renegotiated. That’s simple enough, isn’t it?

JOSE

It’s going to be fae that show up to do the negotiation.

ILCI

Most likely, yes.

JOSE

They’re not going to want to just talk.

ILCI

...Probably not, no.

JOSE

So we need to be strong enough to hold our own until we’ve reached a uh... What was the language?

ILCI

“Formal agreement of termination.”

JOSE

Yikes.

[Reacting to a surge in the healing:]

Ow, ow, hey!

ILCI

Sorry, sorry! You aren’t terribly attached to your memories of the MCAT, are you?

JOSE

Oh, hell no. That’s a welcome casualty.

ILCI

[Laughs]

I’ll see what I can do.

JOSE

[Beat]

Ilci? Do we have a chance here?

ILCI

...I don’t know. But it seems your friend is determined to throw herself against Fidus Achates with all her might. If you’re insistent on protecting her--

JOSE

I am.

ILCI

--then the best thing we can do is make sure we bring as much force as possible. Hopefully...Hopefully she is out gathering some.

JOSE

Hopefully.

[Beat]

Hey, Itchy.

ILCI

[Groans]

Nine years later, and still funny, I see. I’m almost done, just a moment more!

JOSE

This healing stuff sucks. You’re the fucking worst. You’re a jerk, you’re a tool, you’re an evil goddamn demon.

ILCI

Flattery will get you everywhere, love!

[The magic humming stops.]

There. That’ll do for now. I’m running out of energy, I’m afraid.

JOSE

You alright?

ILCI

I just need to be close to my anchor for a while to recover.

JOSE

Hah. You’re just saying that because you want to--

ILCI

I’m complicated! But just in case...

[ILCI takes off JOSE’s keystone and JACK’s along with it. Sets them both aside. They sound a little more distant as they walk away.]

...I don’t think it’s too much to ask to have my anchor all to myself.

JOSE

Hey, careful just announcing that! The FA-fae are listening. Besides, Your anchor has a name.

ILCI

I am well aware, Jose Perez. But FA is about to know regardless, aren’t they?

[They slowly get more and more distant from the keystones, so they essentially fade out.]

JOSE

Well...

ILCI

Would you prefer I call my anchor “snuggle-muffin?”

JOSE

No.

ILCI

“Honey-lips.”

JOSE

Absolutely not.

ILCI

“Blanket thief.”

JOSE

Oh my god.

[Sound of a distant door closing. Keystones deactivate.]

SCENE THREE

[Keystone activates when the intercom buzzes. JOSE and ILCI waking up, groggy.]

JACK

[Over the intercom]

Hey guys! Quit making out, it's time!

ILCI

You’re in a suspiciously good mood. Should we be worried?

[He moves to pick up the keystone and puts it on.]

JACK

Always. Meet me in the parking lot. I’ll show you what I’ve found. Oh, and bring my keystone. But...stay quiet. I don’t want to give them all a heads up. Y’know?

JOSE

Jack, what did you do?

JACK

See you in a minute.

[Intercom buzzes.]

ILCI

So...

[Expectant pause.]

JOSE

[Groans]

Yup. Yeah. I’ll go get the duffel bag.

ILCI

Fortune favors the prepared, love.

[Keystone deactivates, then reactivates in the parking lot when JACK says “Hi guys.” JOSE and ILCI are sharing a body again.]

JACK

Hi guys!

JOSE

Holy shit.

JACK

Shh! I told you--

JOSE

No, I know, just. Holy shit.

[She takes back her keystone and puts it on again.]

JACK

[She laughs a little despite herself.]

What’s in the duffel bag?

ILCI

[Pats the duffel bag. It makes a distinctly metal clanking sound.]

Some...amenities.

JACK

And you’re feeling...better? Powerful?

ILCI

Potent.

JACK

Good. ...Good. I hope we don’t need it but...

JOSE

Jack. Are you seriously still trying to protect her? She doesn’t need your protection--

JACK

We don’t know that! You don’t know that! What if they have something on her? The fae we dealt with were only fucking with us for a single fucking day and you’re only alive now because of Ilci! Hell, I’m only alive because Ilci’s keeping you from killing me!

ILCI

I accept payment in pieces of silver, blood sacrifice, and Amazon gift cards.

JACK

[She snorts.]

I’m just saying. Ed’s been under their thumb for a lot longer than we have. You don’t have to like her, or trust her even. I get it. Fidus Achates has fucked all of us over. But they’ve probably fucked her over too. No one deserves that.

JOSE

Yeah. Yeah, okay Jack. We’ll try it your way first.

JACK

Thank you. ...Now, c’mon.

[She opens the car door for them.]

Get in the car while it’s still cooperating.

ILCI

Will we even fit with--?

JACK

Oh don’t start caring about traffic laws now. In you go!

[She slams the door shut behind them. She gets into the driver’s seat, adjusts the rearview mirror.]

Buckled up? ...Eh, close enough. Hold on.

[Engine starts up, and they ride in silence until the Keystone deactivates.]