In a world where things feel uncertain or out of your control and in an educational career where exploitation and burnout are so prevalent, it’s even more crucial to check in with yourself emotionally. After being forced to find a different way to live, my guest, Nataly Kogan, discovered emotional fitness and the skills needed to practice this in your life. In today’s episode, Nataly shares how teachers can benefit from emotional fitness and how to truly feel joy without guilt. 

Nataly describes emotional fitness as your ability to handle life’s challenges with less struggle. But we know as teachers, sometimes it’s difficult to manage what’s being asked of us every day. Nataly views this as surface acting and shares specific practices teachers can use that develop their emotional fitness. Additionally, she goes in-depth on the five emotional fitness skills and shares the importance of refueling your energy with consistent, intentional, and daily tasks. After listening to this episode, you will have a toolset of strategies to best support yourself emotionally.

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Lily

Nataly Kogan is an entrepreneur, speaker and author on a mission to help millions of people cultivate their happier skills by making simple, scientifically backed practices part of their daily life.

Lily

Natalie is a sought after keynote speaker and has appeared in hundreds of media outlets, including the New York Times, the Wall Street Journal, and so many more. She is a self taught abstract artist and a devoted yogi. And Natalie lives with her family outside of Boston.

Lily

Welcome, Nataly, so glad to have you here.

Nataly

I'm thrilled to be here. Thanks for having me.

Lily

Yes. Well, I love I'm so interested in your work around emotional fitness and all of the work that you've been doing. Can you tell us a little bit about your work and how you've gotten started?

Nataly

Yeah, I'm gonna try not to make it super long. Because it was not a it was not a straight up journey. I did not grow up thinking that I would teach people about emotional fitness, for sure.

Nataly

So I grew up in Russia, actually. And I came to the US with my parents when I was a teenager as a refugee. And I always start there, because it kind of defined I think my path, you know, I was 13 years old, we had no money, I didn't speak English. All the kids made fun of me in eighth grade, it was brutal.

Nataly

And the one thing I knew how to do was work really hard. And so like, I just went into that all the way. And I worked really hard. And over the next 20 years, I built a really successful career in technology and finance and all kinds of very impressive things on the outside. But on the inside, I was struggling a lot because I ever no one ever talked to me about well being or even the fact that my feelings were important.

Nataly

In fact, I thought that only lazy people take care of themselves. And I was not lazy. I was a hard worker achieving a lot. And I kind of had this mindset that eventually I would achieve enough things and do enough things that I could take a break and exhale. And that didn't happen.

Nataly

And instead, about seven years ago, I suffered a really debilitating burnout. And it was really scary. I've done really hard things in my life, this was a lot harder, I just I couldn't function, I had to lay off my team, I couldn't really function as a mom, which is really hard to say. But it was also a gift in retrospect because it forced me to try to find a different way to live and work that was in constant expense of my being my well being.

Nataly

And so I spent a couple years doing a lot of research and just reading about things I never read about like self compassion, or emotional awareness, or ultimately kind of learning to treat myself as a human being for the first time versus like an accomplishment machine, which I bet some of your listeners are nodding right now.

Nataly

And then, I not only did I recover, but I realized that what I had taught myself kind of the method that I developed, that I now had all these tools, my life was still hard, being human is hard. You know, it's not like my life was all rosy, like everyone listening, like we have challenges.

Nataly

But I now have this tool set. And ultimately it was a tool set was about I learned how to support myself, I learned how to support myself. By choosing better thoughts. I learned how to support myself. With self compassion, I learned how to handle all my different emotions. And I realized, hang on a second, if this could help me, this can help a lot of people.

Nataly

So I changed my entire life my entire career. And I started teaching this and writing books and speaking all over the world. And that's where I came up with this concept of emotional fitness.

Nataly

And just to define it, emotional fitness is really your ability to handle life's challenges with less struggle. So if you think about physical fitness, which we all understand, right, if you improve your physical fitness, you improve your ability to lift heavy weights, you can run further without getting tired. And I think a lot of us focus on our physical fitness in different ways.

Nataly

But I think very few people actually realize that we also have emotional fitness. So how you choose the thoughts that you focus on how you handle your different emotions? Do you support yourself? Or do you punish yourself with harsh self talk? And so that's what emotional fitness is. Again, it's a skill of learning how to handle life's challenges with less struggle and greater resilience.

Nataly

And the way that I approach improving your emotional fitness is ultimately about creating a more supportive relationship with yourself. Again, it's like choosing to support yourself and in very specific ways, right, like choosing more helpful fueling thoughts, learning how to handle your different emotions, practicing self care, managing your energy.

Nataly

So that's what I've now turned my life into and I talk about this and speak about it and teach it and do leadership work and write books and try to get this to as many humans as possible.

Lily

It's amazing. I mean, it's so beautiful and inspiring. And I definitely relate, you know, thinking back on my years as a teacher, feeling really burned out, and having that same kind of inclination that I think you spoke of, of just like pushing through, right?

Lily

Like, all these things that made me successful as a teacher or, you know, in school before all the things, you know, was pushing through and being like, I can do it, like I'm hustling, and then getting to a point where it's like, no, that's not working. You know, that's not working for me. And I think a lot of educators, you know, the demands of being teachers are relentless.

Nataly

They are relentless.

Lily

Yeah, putting up with that, and dealing with it and feeling not internalizing it. I'm wondering if you have specific, you know, ways that teachers could use this.

Nataly

Yeah, I've actually, this is why I'm so happy to be on your podcast. I've actually over the last year, I've done a lot of work with educators and teachers, I've done a lot of keynotes for teachers, I've worked with teacher leadership councils.

Nataly

My journal, the awesome human journal that just came out, we've really focused on giveaways to teachers and making sure it gets into teachers hands, because not that I didn't understand that before. Because you know, my daughter is a sophomore in college now. So I kind of watched what her teachers had to deal with.

Nataly

But as I've done more work with teachers, I think I've just gotten a more intimate appreciation of just how relentless the demands are. And I do have some suggestions, but I just want to highlight something because I think just understanding it is helpful.

Nataly

You know, as a teacher, you're expected no matter how you feel, no matter what your day is like, no matter what, what I call your inner atmosphere as like, you're expected to be positive and helpful, and in service. And one of the hardest things we do as humans is pretend to feel good when you don't, it's actually called surface acting.

Nataly

Teachers suffered from it nurses, doctors, customer service folks, retail folks, anyone who is in a service capacity, who is expected to kind of perform a certain way no matter how they feel. And that's incredibly draining. And it's just one of the things you know, like I said, I work with a lot of teacher the pace of the day and not having time.

Nataly

So I want to just mention a couple of kind of my whole focus is really, really simple. But yet surprisingly, powerful practices. That's the feedback I often get is Nataly, I didn't think it would make any difference, but it fundamentally shifted things.

Nataly

So a couple of simple practices I want to offer and these are teachers favorites, by the way. So these aren't just I have now no teachers love them.

Nataly

At the very foundation of your emotional fitness is being aware of how you're feeling. And so a couple of times a day, pausing, and I call it the check in and just checking in with yourself, right? Just saying, How am I feeling? That's it.

Nataly

Yeah, a teacher said to me the other day, she's like, Oh, I do this. Now, as I'm making copies. I'm making copies. I just stand there and I go, how am I feeling? First thing in the morning? How am I feeling? What does that do? Becoming more aware of just I call it again, your inner atmosphere, how you're feeling, what your thoughts are, that in and of itself is very supportive. People who have greater emotional awareness have greater well being.

Nataly

Because often all we need to do is just acknowledge, like, Hey, I'm really stressed out about this or I feel really frazzled, our brain responds really well, when we acknowledge our emotions. In fact, when you acknowledge your difficult emotion, you get through it faster, you feel it less intensely.

Nataly

So just that simple checking in practice, right? As you're making copies, as you're getting in your car to go to work, as you have 30 seconds between class. And again, this is a teacher's favorite now, and I can attest that hundreds of teachers have been practicing this and so many have reached out and said, Oh, my God, it's such a simple thing. But it makes a giant difference.

Nataly

The other thing, and this is, I think so essential, because all the teachers I know care so much about what they do, I'm sure you did, like they love what they do. And actually people who are passionate about what they do are at higher risk of burnout, because you don't have to turn it off. Right? You get home you have maybe your own family or your own stuff to take care of. But your brain just keeps going like Oh, I gotta do this, or I'm thinking about the student.

Nataly

So one of the most important things you can do is you have to be really intentional about creating, like a separation ritual. You have to do something intentionally to signal to your brain to shift into a different phase.

Nataly

And the human brain you can think of it like a child, okay, then that's my favorite way to think of a human brain. So think about a child, right? Especially teachers with young folks in your classroom. Kids need physical cues, right? Like I remember, you know, my daughter's teachers like doing you know, the clap, boom, boom, boom, like everyone.

Nataly

So think about it that way your brain needs some physical cues, some changes in your environment to shift. So one of my very simple suggestions and it's really effective is create this end of day ritual.

Nataly

So something you do at the end of your workday, maybe when you get home to intentionally transition, it can be really simple. You go for a walk for five minutes around the block, maybe you have a cup of tea, and you always have it from the same mug. Maybe you put your phone in its cradle to charge and you walk away.

Nataly

It doesn't matter what you do, what matters is you do the same thing every day. Because what happens over time, if you're consistent with your ritual, I mean, it should be something you enjoy. Right, I shouldn't just say that it shouldn't be something you enjoy.

Nataly

But doing the same thing repetitively, what starts to happen is your brain starts to learn, oh, when Lily gets home, and then puts her phone in the charger and takes a walk around the block, that's time to start thinking about non work stuff. And eventually, your brain will start to get much better at disconnecting.

Nataly

So create this, again, I don't care what you do, just something that you do consistently to transition. But I do highly recommend a short walk, five to 10 minute walk outside, boost your energy, relaxes you, boost your mood, it has so many benefits. So if at all possible, like just a quick walk around the block, but create that intentional separation ritual.

Lily

I love those. And I love that they're tied to specific times to both of those suggestions, right? Like, I think checking in with yourself, I love that idea of like the teacher at the coffee maker. Like, hey, I'm making copies pretty much every day, this is a reminder that I'm gonna check in with myself and see how I'm feeling.

Lily

And so tying those in like is accountability to actually do them rather than being like, oh my gosh, I'm driving home and forgot to ever check in with myself.

Nataly

100%. And that's why I try to always connect them to an action that you're already taking. Because that becomes your natural reminder. And that's actually a wonderful thing too about building any kind of habit. The best way it's called habit stacking.

Nataly

Connect it to something you're already doing at a specific time and place. And it's just gonna It's like becomes your natural reminder. Every time I go to the copier, I check in with myself, how cool is that?

Lily

Yes, I love that. And I love these like, yeah, they're they're micro and large shifts, right? Like, it's not a huge lift, but can make a big impact. So I love that. And then I know you say there's five emotional fitness skills. Can you talk to us about those?

Nataly

Yes, so I'm just gonna say upfront, like they're each have a lot to say about each one, you can go to my website, natalykogan.com. There's a lot more detail there or in my books, but just to highlight them.

Nataly

So the first is acceptance and acceptance is the gateway. And what I mean by that as you the others are a bit useless without acceptance and acceptance is really the skill of shifting from judgment into what I call positive action. So let me give you an example of the opposite of acceptance for my experience. This is a little neuroscience.

Nataly

So the thing you have to know about your brain is your brain does not give you facts, your brain is not an accurate reporter of facts, your brain tells you stories, there are way too many data points in your environment for your brain to focus on. So it picks a couple. And it usually picks the more negative ones because your brain also has a negativity bias, it focuses on the negative more.

Nataly

It picks a couple of data points that it makes a story about them usually more negative story for the same reason. And that becomes what you believe. And so let me give you an example of that.

Nataly

How often do you find yourself saying this is not how it should be? My colleague is not how they should be a student is not how they should be the administration is, whatever it is, right? That's your brain telling you a story. So your brain, there's how something is but your brain is telling you a story of how it should not be.

Nataly

So my example is the weather. So Lily and I were just talking, I live outside of Boston, the weather in the winter is terrible. And I take a five mile walk every day. I should say that. So when it's April, it starts to get warmer. Yeah, I get way more excited for my walk.

Nataly

But sometimes I come out in April and it's still really cold and immediately my brain goes it should not be so cold in April. Why is it should not be so I checked the weather in Santa Barbara, right. So I am now in what I call the the Valley of struggle. Because how something is is not how my brain is telling me it should be.

Nataly

And so acceptance is the way to get out of it. So acceptance is a skill to say okay, instead of judgment, this is not how it should be. I acknowledge things as they are it is cold in April and I am cold. So you acknowledge how the situation is and your feelings. And then given how things are you say to yourself, What is one thing I could do to move forward with less struggle? Hey, Natalie, go put on a scarf.

Nataly

And so acceptance is really the skill of seeing things clearly including how you feel. And then using that as the as a place to say okay, given how things are with clarity, so you're just focusing on the facts and none of these stories. How can I move What's one thing I could do to move forward with less struggle?

Nataly

And it's a really, really powerful skill because we all put ourselves in this valley of struggle a lot. So that's acceptance, and it is the gateway skill because unless you see your reality clearly, unless you shift out of those negative stories, your brain tells you, it can, it's really hard to kind of improve prove how you feel.

Nataly

So the second skill is gratitude, much easier skill to practice. I think we all know what it is. It's about focusing your attention on small positive moments in your day, even when things are hard. And when life sucks, because again, remember, your brain has a negativity bias, it naturally focuses on a lot more negative things.

Nataly

And so when you practice gratitude, you're literally reminding your brain dear brain, I know these things might be annoying, or difficult or stressful. But these things are wonderful and pretty, or warm, or kind or meaningful, and gratitude, it brings you more joy. I mean, it's just there's so much joy hiding in our days. And if we don't practice actively noticing and appreciating, we're gonna miss out on it.

Nataly

But gratitude is also really important for resilience. So if you're going through a challenging time, your brain is going to focus on even more things that are wrong. And gratitude becomes it's something that balances that out. So acceptance, gratitude.

Nataly

The third is self care, which I have my own definition, because I hate the way that our society treats self care, like a luxury or a gift. Self Care is a skill of managing your energy. It's really about fueling your emotional, mental and physical energy. And on a daily basis, you have an energy reservoir, and everything you do uses energy.

Nataly

And so the emotional awareness practice I mentioned before is about checking in seeing where your energy reservoir is. And then every day doing something, it can be really small, like taking a walk that I mentioned, to intentionally fuel your energy, that is self care.

Nataly

The fourth is intentional kindness, which is all about fueling human connections in your life. You know, we are not meant to be here alone, it is not possible to truly experience well being if you feel isolated. And intentional kindness is a wonderful way to fuel relationships.

Nataly

It's simply about doing something with the sole intent to be kind and expecting nothing in return, checking in with a colleague asking them how they're doing or cheering up a student who's feeling down or, you know, bringing, you're getting coffee for yourself, grab one for someone else, the simplest things, they make a giant difference to the other person, but also they make you feel so good.

Nataly

In fact, when you're really stressed, I encourage you to do as many kind things as you can in a row. And you'll notice a significant boost, because our brain wants us to be kind. So it rewards us with feeling good.

Nataly

And the final skill is what I call the bigger why. And that's really about feeling a greater sense of purpose, by connecting what you do to how it helps other people. That's where we derive a sense of purpose, and us teachers and educators should, this should be an easy one for you. Because literally what you do every day helps other people.

Nataly

But I think sometimes educators tell me that you forget, you get so into the busy and into like just getting stuff done, you really forget that what you're doing is helping so many people and so pause once a day, maybe at the end of the day, and just think about like I did all these things, who does it help? How did it help this student or how to help this student?

Nataly

And that's when we derive a sense of purpose. And that's really fueling, it helps us manage stress. And it helps us work through challenges. So there we have them, acceptance, gratitude, self care, intentional kindness, and the bigger why.

Lily

I love so powerful. I mean, I think thinking about teachers are teachers who are, you know, transitioning out of the classroom, but still want to have their bigger why, you know, the idea of like, that you can be so intentional to create these small changes, like the intent and the agency, I think is so powerful.

Lily

Because whether you know, you're a classroom teacher, or not really being able to focus on what you can control. And that's a lot, right, like all of those changes, just in what we put our energy and our mind to, can create such differences.

Lily

And I love this idea too have like that the self care as energy reservoirs. I also get very bothered by, you know, self care as thinking about massages, and manicures and things.

Nataly

By the way, those are wonderful things, I just want to say, great, go do that. But that's not self care. That's just like wonderful things you should do if you can, but self care has to be much more consistent than that.

Nataly

And also, the thing I want to say about self care that I feel like is not talked about enough, it requires discipline. So sometimes, you know, so I talked about taking my walk every day in the morning. It's really great for me, I feel really great when I do it. It is for my mind for my body getting fresh air.

Nataly

But there are many days, especially in the winter where I don't want to go, I do not want to go it's not like getting a massage. And so I make a commitment to myself to do it because it does fuel my energy.

Nataly

And so I think it's really important when talking about self care, to recognize that it requires discipline. It's not just doing things that you feel like doing sometimes it's kind of nudging yourself to do something, you know, your future self will appreciate. But it requires discipline and commitment to yourself.

Lily

Yeah, it's not all immediately pleasurable. Yeah, that's not the reason why we do everything, something's maybe, right, but it's not this immediate payoff. So I love that too.

Lily

And just thinking of like, we have finite amounts of energy, and we get to decide what's gonna, you know, give us a little more, or you know how much we're gonna take on to deplete our energy. And I know like, still now even not being in the classroom, I feel like some days, I'm like, Oh, my gosh, like, I'll come out of my office and be like, I'm just like, my brain is broken. And that's like, a signal to me, my energy reservoir is like a very low, like, how to fill it up.

Nataly

Like what you just said, I just want to, like, pause on that. Because what do you do when you recognize that right? Like, we've all had, you know, like, Oh, my brain is like broken.

Nataly

The thing that I, you know, I want to acknowledge that sometimes you can't do something right away, I understand that, like you're in the middle of the day. But as soon as you can, it's really important to do something, however small to give yourself a little breather.

Nataly

And think about it like a car. Okay, so like, let's take a car that uses gasoline, it could use electricity, let's just use gas. So when your car is running low on gas, you know, you have to fill it up, right? Because otherwise, it's going to run out of gas. And it's not going to be able to take you places.

Nataly

So you don't sit there and go, I'm too busy to fill up my car. That will be silly. Yeah. But we do that with ourselves, right? We're like, I'm so exhausted. But I got to finish this stuff. So I got to keep going. So just remember that your car needs gas to do its job of being a car, and you need energy to do your job of being a human, not to mention a teacher.

Nataly

And so if you're feeling that depletion, again, I realize you may not be able to do something in that moment. But the soonest that you can, you have to make that refuel a priority. And if you're consistent about doing things that fuel you, you don't have to do as much, right.

Nataly

So like, if you take your car to the gas pump, when it's half empty, it's going to take less time than when the tank is totally empty, right? The same thing with you. If you are doing something every day to fuel your energy a little bit, then even when you're feeling really depleted, it's going to you're going to be more efficient.

Nataly

So when you're feeling that depletion don't take it as an invitation to toughen up and push through. Take it as an invitation. Whoa, I'm running really close to empty at the next opportunity, I got to do something to refuel.

Lily

Yes, absolutely. And I think really having that awareness is so powerful, too, that it doesn't have to ideally, right, like ever dip all the way down to empty, if we're being proactive about it.

Lily

And I think that like teachers or educators in particular, you know, that can be really hard to get out of that habit of just being like putting everybody else first, right and be like, okay, these kids need me or these demands are here. And so I'm wondering if you have suggestions about really prioritizing joy, and not feeling guilty about that.

Nataly

So one of the things that I want you to think about when you think about joy is that your joy is not just your joy. So I used to feel really guilty about especially after my daughter was born, you know, I had this intense career and then I had my daughter and I just would feel guilty about doing anything other than those two things like taking care of my family or working.

Nataly

And anything like for example, I always wanted to paint you know, Lily, you're looking at some of my artwork behind me my art is actually on the cover of the journal, like all my books and my art on it. But I didn't start painting until after I burned out I never let myself do it. Because it seemed like frivolous. You know what I mean? Like it wasn't productive.

Nataly

And the giant thing that I've discovered and painting is just one of the things I do that brings me joy is when I started to paint and actually allow myself to practice my joy and joy is an active practice. It's not something that hits you on the head. Not only did it help me recover and fuel me, but it helped my family.

Nataly

Because I was able to show up as instead of this dark cloud as a light like I had so much more to give my joy started to ripple to my husband and my daughter. It started to rippled to people I worked with it ripples to everyone I speak to are readers of my books.

Nataly

So I want you to recognize that your joy is not selfish. It is your responsibility to people that you interact with. Because all joy ripples to others when you do something that brings you joy you have you fuel yourself as a human being you have so much goodness to give to others.

Nataly

And that for me, like really helped my shift my mindset when I realized how much when I do something for my joy how much that impacts everyone I interact with in a positive way.

Nataly

This morning can't make this up. You know, I like you all have busy days but this morning I just I don't know I realized I was sitting there typing emails and I just have this moment of realizing like it's been a really long time since I just did something just for joy like with no other you know, I'm a public person. Like I share a lot on social and I love that I have this like audience and community.

Nataly

But I was like, I don't remember last time I just did it with no goal, no nothing, no lesson to share. And I just like took out a canvas and I painted for an hour. And I had this renewed amount of energy. And I'm not saying like you run out of class, you know, and do something for joining the middle of class. But we can always find the time.

Nataly

What I find, and I get to work with so many amazing people, what I find is no one is not practicing their joy, because they don't have time. It's the stories that you tell ourselves yourself about joy, there's a practice in the awesome human journal about this, there's a practice about telling a better story about joy. And I take you through this whole exercise to tell a better story.

Nataly

Because most people don't give themselves permission. They see it as selfish. And when you go through this process, and you tell this better story, and you realize that your joy is not just your own, it's incredibly liberating. But also, every time I do something that brings me joy, I truly feel like I now understand it's not just for me, and that that's a really wonderful feeling.

Lily

Yes, I love that. I mean, it's so powerful to think about it as your responsibility. And I think we get that from the other side, right? Like, we want to be around people who are prioritizing their joy.

Lily

You know, if you think about people in your life, who you love being around, it's often people who really do that naturally, you know, or maybe not naturally, and they work on it, who knows. But really thinking about what that impact is. And again, going back to just like the intent and like intentionally creating how you want to show up and have the impact you want to have on others.

Lily

So tell us a little bit about what does it mean to be an awesome human? And can you tell us about your book and all your work around the Awesome Human Project.

Nataly

Of course, the Awesome Human Project is the giant cover Lilly that you're looking at behind me. So that book came out last year, and the subtitle is break free from daily burnout, struggle less and thrive more. So it's everything we've been talking about.

Nataly

And it helped so many people that I was really inspired to create a journal inspired by it that has, everything I share is very practice oriented. So I wanted to create a journal, it's almost like a workbook we call it it's a toolkit for the tough days, the great days and every day in between.

Nataly

And the journal which came out just last month. And like I said, it's a favorite of so many teachers who are also using some of the practices in the classroom. It's kind of like a workbook. So it has daily practice pages with different prompts to help you practice the different the five different skills, ithas creativity practices, it has all kinds of practices to help you shift to a better story to help you get out of struggle.

Nataly

It's got a whole toolkit for when you're feeling burnt out, I kind of walk you through a process to start to recover. And so I illustrated the whole thing myself. It's all hand drawn and written. It was way harder than I thought it would be. But I just wanted it to feel very personal.

Lily

Yes, I love that. It's been so wonderful talking with you, Nataly, thank you so much for sharing about your amazing work. I'm wondering if you can tell people how they can connect with you and find out more about your work.

Nataly

Of course, um, thank you. I like I said it's a gift to be able to fuel educators, it's a giant honor.

Nataly

My website is natalykogan.com. I spell Nataly a little funny. And I encourage you to go to my website for a couple reasons. There's a lot of free resources, including I have this free five day emotional fitness challenge. Every day when you sign up, you get a little two minute or under a video for me sharing one of the skills and a new practice.

Nataly

It's a beloved challenge because people are busy and you get to essentially practice all skills in a few minutes a day and it's totally free. There's no strings, and there's lots of other wonderfulness. I'm about to launch my first emotional fitness course. And we'll have some wonderful educator discounts for that.

Nataly

And lots of other things. There's notes to self and videos. And then I'm on the socials at @natalykogan, I'm probably on LinkedIn and Instagram the most those are two places where I hang.

Lily

Awesome, wonderful, Nataly. Well, thank you so much.

Nataly

Thanks so much for having me.