Today I'm getting into a topic that I hear about constantly from parents - lying. Is lying normal? What does it mean? And most importantly, what do we actually do about it?

There are a bunch of reasons that kids lie. When you understand why it's happening, it becomes much easier for you to respond in a calm way - without getting really angry, blowing up, shutting them down, or criticizing.

You'll Learn:

• Why kids lie (and yes, it's totally normal)
• What to do when your kid lies (with lots of scripts and examples)
• How to combine compassion and consequences
• 5 ways to encourage honesty in your family

Read the full blog post here.

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Related Episodes:

• Episode 2.15: 3 Essential Beliefs Kids for Emotional Health
• Episode 2.16: The Connection Tool
• Episode 2.20: Preventing Meltdowns | Teaching Kids Self Control Long-Term (How to have a coaching conversation)

Free Resources:

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In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Toolkit here

Connect With Darlynn:

• Book a complimentary session with Darlynn
• Learn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.com
• Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress for daily tips
• Rate and review the podcast on Itunes

Welcome back to Become a Calm Mama. I'm your host. I'm Darlin Childress.

I'm a life and parenting coach. And today we're getting at a topic that I

hear about constantly from parents. We're gonna talk about

lying. Is lying normal? What does it mean? And most

importantly, what do we actually do about it? So

before I dive in to this topic, I wanted to do a quick

episode recap from an episode I did a few weeks back

called the three Essential Beliefs Kids need to. Because

it sets the stage perfectly for everything that we're going to cover

today. And those essential beliefs that we want our children to

take into adulthood are, I am safe, I am

good enough, and I am capable. If you have not

listened to that episode, go back after this. It's season two, episode

15. But here is the short version. Every child

comes into the world preset to believe these three things are

true. They want to believe I am safe, they want to believe I am

lovable, and they want to believe I am capable. The problem

happens when they start getting different messages from their environment,

from you, from the adults around them, from teachers, from

experiences that happen that they don't really ever understand.

And they start to internalize these messages. I'm not safe. The world's not

safe. I'm not lovable. I'm not capable. So those earliest

years, zero to five and all the way through actually all of

childhood, they set the groundwork for your child's subconscious beliefs

about themselves and the world. And those beliefs keep getting

reinforced all the way through childhood. Your kids are

absorbing messages constantly about who they are and whether

the world is safe and whether they're lovable and whether they're capable.

Now, here's why this matters today, because lying is

almost always connected to one of those three, three core

beliefs. When a child lies, they are

usually trying to protect their sense of safety.

If you don't love them, if you don't

believe them, if you don't like them, then you're not going to take care of

them, and they're not going to be safe. Your child, when they lie, they're

protecting their sense of being good enough so that you stay

in relationship with them, or they're protecting their sense

of being capable. So hold on to that as we go through it, because it's

going to be a framework from a lot of what you're seeing when you see

lying at home. Okay, so is lying normal?

The short answer is yes. Lying is completely

normal behavior. It's something we see particularly with kids

under 6. Because they have a big imagination. So they're really able to

imagine that they didn't take the cookie, that they didn't

hit their sister, that they didn't do the thing that you're asking them if they

did. So I want to say that again. Is it normal

for children to lie? Yes. It's not something that we're going to celebrate.

It's not something we're going to ignore, but it is normal.

It does not mean your child is broken. It doesn't mean that you failed as

a parent. It doesn't mean that your kid's going to grow up and be someone

who doesn't have ethics or morality. It is just that your

child is trying to figure out how to navigate through the world with

when they make mistakes or when they want something and they don't have

permission to have it and they take it anyway, and then they get caught. So

there are a bunch of reasons why kids lie. And

when you understand the reasons, it will become so much

easier for you to respond without blowing up at

them or shutting down or pushing them away or avoiding

them or being really angry or criticizing. So let me

go through some of these reasons that kids lie. They lie

for a bunch of really predictable reasons.

Of course, they lie to avoid trouble. If they did something that they should not

have done and they don't want to face the consequence, they're gonna

lie, right? They're just like, no, I didn't do it. What are you talking about?

Because they don't really want to, like, have the consequence of

the behavior. They also lie to protect themselves,

emotionally or physically. Like I said, they want to make sure that

you love them, that you think they're good, that you think they're a good kid.

And they don't know, am I still going to be

loved? Am I still gonna be taken care of? Am I gonna be thought of

as a good person if I did this bad

thing and if I get caught for it? So their mind. In

their mind, they're lying to protect you from

thinking they're a bad kid. They're lying to protect

themselves from thinking. Thinking they're a bad kid. So

they, of course, lie to get something they want or avoid something that they don't

want. They lie to be seen. They lie to feel important. They lie to feel

like they matter. They lie to avoid embarrassment,

right? So sometimes little kids have fantastical

imaginations and they'll say something like, oh, the teacher gave us a

bike. They gave everyone a bike at school. We all biked to the Park. And

then we came back and you're like, what? What? What? No, that did not happen.

So if you are seeing your kid lie about something

really fantastical, just imagine that they're being silly, that

they're wishing that happened. That's very normal.

But if they're lying to avoid trouble, that's about safety.

They don't feel safe enough to tell the truth. If they're lying

to be seen, that is about worthiness. They're not sure

that. That they are enough just as they are. If they're lying to hide

a mistake, that's about their capability. They want to be shown that

they're capable and that they don't make mistakes. They're

scared that if you find out that they lied or did something bad

or weren't good enough, that you'll confirm what they already fear is that

I'm not good enough and that they can't do anything right. So when

your child lies to you, instead of going straight to anger

or punishment, I want you to get curious. Ask

yourself, what belief are they trying to

protect right now? Are they trying to protect

the I am safe belief? And so they're lying

to make sure that they stay safe. Are they lying to

protect the I'm lovable belief? So they're

lying that they can avoid being thought of as

not lovable. Are they lying to protect the I am

capable belief? Because if you found out that they made

a mistake or that they didn't do something, that you'll think they're not capable.

So here's a quote I want you to write down. Your child is

lying not because they are a bad kid. They are lying because

they do not yet feel safe enough to tell the truth. That is

the reframe. That's the starting point. They are lying because they don't feel

safe. Safe enough to tell the truth. So let's

talk about part two. How do we actually coach our kids through lying?

Because knowing why they do it is one thing. Knowing what to do in the

moment is another. So the first thing I want you to hear

is this. You cannot coach a dysregulated

child, and you cannot coach from a dysregulated

place. If you are activated, if you are angry, if you are

already in the story that your kid is a liar and you. And you cannot

trust them. And you're not going to be able to have that conversation.

If you're thinking all that. You're not going to be able to have that conversation

that needs to happen. You can't coach your child

until you've connected with them. And you cannot connect with them until you are

calm. Calm, connect, coach,

right? That's our steps that we want to take.

So before you do anything else, you need to regulate. That means taking

a breath. It means pausing before you respond. I mean, going and doing a

calm break. It might even mean saying out loud, I need

a minute and walking away. You are modeling what

it looks like to manage big feelings. And you're also giving yourself the

space to show up the way you actually want to as a parent.

Now, once you're both regulated, the goal is

connection before correction. This is important because if your child

does not feel safe and connected to you,

then they're not going to listen to you. They're not going to hear the words

that you say. We need to teach our kids

how the world works and how to tell the truth and that they're safe when

they tell the truth, that nothing like bad is going to happen.

You can only do that when your child feels

seen and safe and heard. So if you try to go

into a coaching conversation and everyone's not regulated, it's going to be really

tricky. So remember, if your child does not feel safe and connected to you, they're

not going to hear what you're saying. They're going to shut down, they're going to

get defensive, they're going to double down on that lie. So we have to

practice that connection. So what does it look like? It looks like using the

connection tool looks like getting on their level with a soft

voice and saying, hey, hey, it's okay to make

mistakes in this family. I know you might be feeling nervous about

telling me the truth, but I promise everything's going to

be okay. Or if you see them doing

the misbehavior, the off track behavior, instead of saying, hey, did you take that

cookie? Even though you know they did. Why are you asking that question? Why are

you trying to trap them in the lie? Just say, hey, I saw you take

that cookie. I wonder if you're excited to eat all those sweets or I

noticed you took three donuts from the donut wall at the party.

I wonder if you were feeling really excited to eat all those sweets

and then you validate. So when we talk about the connection

tool, it really is narrating what you saw, the

behavior, naming the feeling and then validating that

feeling. So when you validate, you're not agreeing with their

behavior. It's not saying it's fine that they

stole cookies or whatever. Validation is saying, I get

it, I Understand that your feeling

was true. You felt excited, you felt nervous, you felt happy,

you felt, you know, annoyed that I said no, so you took it

anyway. It makes sense that you would feel annoyed. It makes

sense that you would feel excited to eat snacks. It makes sense that you would

feel overwhelmed. We want to validate the fear feeling,

not the behavior though. So connection is not a reward

for good behavior. It's not like you only connect with your kid when they're

doing good, right? Connection is the condition

under which good behavior becomes possible. The more that you

validate your kids and you help them understand why they're

behaving the way they're behaving, why they're lying, why they're hitting,

why they're sneaking, why they're, you know, doing

whatever naughty behavior they're doing. You will help them learn

that they have big feelings and that they don't know what to do with them.

And you're going to teach them new skills. So timing is

really important here. If something just happened and you just saw your

kids steal something or lie about it and everyone's still heated,

that's not the time to do the coaching conversation. You

are going to have a conversation about connection. See, seeing their

behavior and the feelings that drove that behavior. But it's not a

time to teach because you need to everyone be calm.

Kids can't access the thinking part of their brain when they're in a

stress response, when they're worried they're going to get in trouble, when they're fearful, when

they're overwhelmed. So the coaching

conversation has a rhythm to it and it has the frame,

a framework that I use and I've been teaching it over the last few

weeks about the coaching

conversation, having these three steps of reflect, teach

and practice. So whenever

you have a behavior

or a skill gap or your kids behaviors outside

your value system or you want to teach them how they

should act, instead you're going to do a coaching

conversation. You're going to go through these parts of reflect, teach

and practice. I've done a few episodes on how

to teach self control, how to teach responsibility, how to teach

negative, getting out of negative self talk, how to teach mindset. This

one is about lying, but you're going to do the same process

of reflect, teach and practice. So

reflecting is where you are not interrogating them.

You're helping them kind of understand what

happened and why it happened. So you

are helping narrate what is going on

and why it doesn't work and what they

should do instead. So this Step is really important

because it builds self awareness. Kids who can reflect on their

behavior are kids who eventually change their behavior.

So let's talk about lying. You want to reflect, and this is a little script

you can use. You can say, hey, it's normal for kids to not always

tell the truth, especially if you're worried that I will be mad at you or

that I'll think you're a bad kid. It makes sense that you would want to

keep yourself out of trouble by not telling the truth.

So you really normalize, you reflect on their behavior, and you

really normalize it. And then you can ask them a question.

Are you worried that if you tell the truth to me that I'll be mad

at you or that you'll get in trouble? Now, you can do this

with really little kids. Two, three years old. Just say, are you worried? Did you

tell me that because you worried that you're gonna get in trouble? Yeah.

They may answer, they may not. It's at that

younger age. But by four or five, they can definitely start having this

conversation. And you can say to them, hey, I see that

you, like, said you didn't take the cookie, but I saw you take the cookie.

Were you worried that you were going to get in trouble?

You reflect on the behavior and what happened

Then. You teach, once you've reflected, this is where you name

the value. You explain why honesty matters in the

language that they can understand. So not a lecture, not a big

list of reasons why lying is bad, just a clear

explanation. So, so you can just say, in our family, we tell

the truth even when it's hard. That's how we build trust with each

other. And trust is what makes our family feel safe. So you just

lay it out, say, in this family, we are honest. In this family, we

tell the truth because it makes us feel safer and

that's why we do it. So you're connecting the behavior to something bigger

than just a rule. Don't lie. You're saying why? And why we don't

lie is because we, we want to be in relationships with people

who are honest. It does make us feel safer. It does make

it more comfortable when we can trust the people around us. And

then add, remember, your behavior is not

who you are. I love you no matter what. You're going to make

a lot of mistakes when you're a kid, and my job is to

help you learn from your mistakes. But I can't do that if you don't

tell me the truth. If you don't tell me about your mistakes. I can't help

you. Even if you make a big, big, big, big mistake.

I will always love you. I will always help you. And then you turn it

on. Do you think you could practice telling me the truth? Even when you mess

up, even when you're worried, Try to get some buy in from

them. And then step three is practice. This is one of the

spaces that parents skip. And it's honestly really important

to actually role play or rehearse a little bit how

you want your kids to practice when they are

wanting to lie. So you say, okay, let's try this. Pretend

I ask you what happened? And this time you tell me the

truth. So what would you say if I said, did you take that

pizza? Or did you steal my iPad? Did you unlock

my phone? Did you scroll through all my photos? Did you read my text?

I want you to try not to ask those questions. But let's just

pretend when we're practicing with our kids that we ask them those direct questions.

And you say, so I ask you, did you do it? What could you say

instead of no, could you say, yes, I did.

Now, it might feel silly to do this with your kids, but this is important

because they then build an experience

where they tell you the truth and they don't get shamed,

where they practice telling the truth and it's a low stakes,

safe environment, and. And they're literally building that neural

pathway for doing it in real life. So you say to them, okay, imagine

you took something without permission. So you say to your kid, imagine you took a

snack or you took the toy, or you took an iPad. And I

say, I see, you took that without permission.

You know, you can only have that when you have permission first. And I say,

yes. Do you understand the rule?

Do you understand that you're not supposed to take it without me

saying yes? And then they say, you say, okay, what are you gonna say? You

say, yes, mommy. And then if I were to ask you, did you

take it? Did you sneak it? Did you, you know,

steal it? Did you hurt your sibling? Did you

grab it? Did you do that? What should you say?

You say, yes, I did that. Sorry,

I really wanted it and I didn't control myself. And then you say, that's your

kid. Look, that's all you have to do. You just say, yes, I did it.

Sorry. I really wanted it. I didn't have control,

or I was really angry and I, you know, snuck

it. So you give your kids the words

to say when they make the mistake, actually

giving them the language of yes, I did that. Yes, I took

it. Yes, I hit her. Yes, I stole that. Yes,

I snuck that. I'm sorry I did it

because I did not know what to do. Instead

I did it because I felt overwhelmed. I did it because I

was mad and I didn't control myself.

No. Reflect, teach, practice. Write that down.

That's your framework for the next time your kid lies to you.

So you're going to reflect on what happened and really normalize and

validate and give them that feeling that their behavior makes

sense. You're going to teach them why the thing doesn't work and then you're going

to practice what you want them to do instead. I've noticed this a lot with

parents is that they tell their kid what not to do, but they don't

necessarily tell their kid what to do instead.

And that practice piece is important because you're actually that's when you teach the

tools and the skills that they need to do the thing instead.

Say, yes, I did it, mommy. Yes, I took it. You. Yes,

I hurt her. Yes, I stole it. Yes, I snuck it.

If you want to add teaching them to say I'm sorry

I did that because I did not have self control,

then that's really helpful too, helping them

understand why they did the thing that they did. So I want

to address something that comes up a lot and that's the parent who

really feels that if they do don't react

strongly to their kids behavior, if they don't

like, you know, yell at them for their behavior, that their kid is going

to think that there are no consequences. And I am a

consequence. I teach consequences. I really do

firmly believe that a kid can't learn how to live

in the world unless they experience the mistakes and fix those

mistakes and experience the impacts of their mistakes. So

you can absolutely have a consequence for off track

behavior. Consequences and connection. They're not

mutually exclusive. It's not like oh, if I'm kind and

validate and have compassion then I can't have a consequence.

Or a consequence would be mean because they

obviously they couldn't control themselves. Okay, true, they

couldn't control themselves, but how do they learn to control

themselves? One is by awareness for sure, but the other

is really about teaching them, hey, on the outside

if you do this behavior, this thing happens to you.

So it's not about

shaming or disconnecting. That's not a good consequence.

A calm consequence is a logical one.

Like you can use my iPad as long as you're not sneaking it. I don't

want to worry about that. So I'm going to put that away for a week.

You're not going to be able to use it or I'm only going to serve

sweets when I don't have to worry that you're going to sneak them. So you're

not able to have any sweets today. You get to have

consequences for the sneaky behavior, for the behavior

itself, but I don't necessarily want you to consequence lying unless

it becomes a huge pattern in your family. So try not

to yell, try not to give all that emotion. Just being as logical as

possible will help your child learn that their

behavior is off. When it's off track, it has consequences.

And they need to learn self control. They need to learn

to be responsible. They need to learn to

control their bodies. That's really important.

So how do we encourage the truth? How do we create an environment

where your kid feels safe enough to come to you with the truth,

even when it's hard? And if they know that we aren't gonna like, be,

be happy with what they're do what they did, we want them to feel safe

enough that they come and tell us. The first thing I want you to know

is that it's important for you to make it safe to tell the

truth. So it sounds obvious, but it's worth saying. Because if your

child experiences that telling the truth leads to

a big reaction and a punishment and a lecture and a lot of shame,

they're going to keep lying because lying feels safer.

So you have to build a track record of responding calmly. When

they do tell you the hard thing, when they do tell you, they

fess up about something. You don't have to be happy about it, but you do

have to stay regulated so that safety comes from being

calm. Which is what this podcast is all about, right?

So thinking about yourself like the people in your

life that you feel the most comfortable being honest with,

why, why does it, why do you feel safe to tell those

people the truth? Why does it feel safe to be vulnerable? With certain people,

it's probably because they don't overreact, that they validate you, that they

normalize it, that they say, yeah, of course you acted that way. That makes sense.

Or like that fear you have is valid. They don't

make you feel stupid or ashamed. They don't condemn you.

Right? If they did, you wouldn't tell them the truth. When someone

cares more about you than about being

right, that makes you feel safe. Because that's what you're building

with your kids every single time you respond to

a kid who lies, or a kid who makes a mistake, or a kid who

steals a cookie, or a kid who steals the iPad, or a kid who makes

a big mess, or a kid who hurts their sibling, or a kid who lies

about their homework or does something wrong at school.

Every time that you respond with with curiosity instead of anger,

you're making a deposit into that trust account. Okay? Second thing I want you

to practice is separating the behavior from the person. So when a

kid tells a lie, we wanna address the behavior without making them feel

like they are a bad person. And that's really easy to

do on accident is just tell kids like, because you lied,

that's not what a good person does. I want you to say that

lying is something that people do sometimes to

protect themselves. And when they don't say the

truth, that is not because they're

a bad person. It's because they are nervous about telling the

truth. So we don't want to say that you're a liar because

that attacks their identity, their personality, their character.

You want to address the fact that they lied. So

address the behavior. So you lied versus

you're a liar. Your child will shut down.

If you tell them they're a liar. Then that goes to like

a core belief about themselves, which you don't want them to

grow up thinking they're a bad person because

then why be good, right? We want them instead to know that

they make mistakes and that's okay and that's normal. So

when you say things like you're being so irresponsible, or you

always do this, or I cannot believe you lied to me again, you're not

commenting on the behavior, you're shaping that belief. You're

reinforcing the idea that they're not good enough, that they're not lovable,

that they're not capable. And those are the messages that

stick. Those are those core beliefs that are being formed.

So really separating your kids behavior

from their personality, from their character is really important.

Another thing I want you to do is just practice those dialogues, those scripts,

right? If you catch a lie, say to them, hey,

I noticed that what you said doesn't quite match what I

know. So I'm not going to get upset. I just want to hear what

actually happened. So point out that there's like a

discrepancy and that kind of be like, try again. Like what

you're saying doesn't match what I'm seeing. What you're

saying doesn't match what I know. So let's try

again. So if you if you catch a

lie, you know, ask them, are you, you know, tell

me what really happened? You're, I'm not going to get upset. Now don't say you're

not going to get in trouble. Say, I'm not going to get upset because

they may have a consequence. But you want to be able to say, I'm not

going to get angry. That's actually what they're worried about is your anger more

than the consequence. So if, if you notice that they're scared

to say something, you can say, I know it's hard to tell the truth. I

want you to know that I'm not gonna get mad when you

tell me the truth. You might have a consequence for what happened, but I'm

always gonna love you and I'm always gonna be happy that you told me the

truth. So really kind of saying those things, encouraging them

to tell you the truth and encouraging them to

feel safe and being honest with them, that there

could be a consequence, but that you're not gonna get mad,

you're not gonn make a promise to them that you

are going to stay calm no matter what happens. Now, of course

it feels like it should be very obvious, but of

modeling honesty is really important and that is in your own life.

Like if you tell your kids to lie to the teacher about why you're late

or you tell your kids to lie about something that is going to

be, you know, embedded in them that it's okay to lie.

If they catch you lying to, you know, the

bank or a friend or whatever it is, noticing

that if you're lying a lot, that your child will probably feel like it's normal

to lie. So modeling honesty as much as you can, even in the

case of people pleasing, like if you're lying to make someone

else happy, it may also still be modeling to them that

it's okay to, you know, not always tell the truth.

Also owning your own mistakes is really important. Going through and

doing repair when you make a mistake, when you will help your child feel

safer when they make a mistake. So if you go back and you

say, hey, I really didn't have a lot of control, I yelled, I got upset,

I slammed the book down or you know, I drove really fast.

Whatever your behavior is, being honest about it, saying sorry,

being real with them, show them that truth telling is something that you value

in yourself, not just in them. And then the last

thing I want you to understand is that this is a skill that will

take a long time. So you're not going to fix lying in one

conversation right now, you're building is that relationship,

that trust in your relationship where your child feels safe

to be honest with you. That's the work and it's worth it. I know,

having raised teenagers, that I am so glad that we

created a family where kids could be honest and

make mistakes and that they did not get shamed for

making mistakes when they were little. Because my boys made a lot of mistakes as

teens. And there was a lot of conversations that were really

challenging for us. And it was only because

we had this culture of honesty and safety

that it made it possible for our kids to be okay with

telling us those really hard things as young adults and as

teenagers. Let's just recap real quick.

When you catch a lie, get curious. Before you get angry, ask yourself what

belief they're trying to protect. That question will change everything to

how you respond. Remember, you can't coach a dysregulated child

and you can't coach from dysregulated place. So get calm first,

connect second, then coach. And you

build honesty not through punishment, but by through creating a

relationship where the truth feels safer than the lie.

That's a long game. So if today's episode resonated

with you, please share it with another parent who needs to hear it. Leave a

review if you have a minute. Those really help. It genuinely helps this

podcast reach more families when you share and review.

And if you want to go deeper on any of these topics, I have resources

linked in the show notes. You can find me on social media. I would love

to hear how what we talked about today landed with you. So thanks for

listening and I will see you next week.