Artwork for podcast Unfuck Your Life: An Audio Drama
5 - Clown School for Dogs
Episode 523rd January 2025 • Unfuck Your Life: An Audio Drama • Jen deHaan
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Tog takes a class at a clown school for dogs, and learns something new about themselves by throwing caution to the wind. Another step out of depression, and off of rock bottom? Find out!

Credits, contact, and more info

This comedy audio drama / audio fiction series was created, written, directed, edited, and produced by Jen deHaan. It is partially improvised!

Voices:

Jen deHaan (any voices by guests are noted above)

Artwork, logo, and graphics:

Jen deHaan.

Transcript:

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Transcripts

WEBVTT

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This week on the show, Tog takes a

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class at a clown school for dogs and

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learns something new about themselves by throwing caution

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to the wind.

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You're with Tog Chesterfield here on 101.7

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FM The Grack.

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I'm trying to pick up the pieces and

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fix up my life after I hit rock

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bottom and I'm taking you along as I

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try new things and attempt to embrace life.

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I'm Fuck Your Life with Tog Chesterfield.

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So welcome to the show.

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Right now it's 5.01 PM and I'll

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be with you here for your commute or

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while you prepare your dinner or while you

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sit in your backyard looking up to the

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sky wondering how did we get here, you

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know, a little bit of dread, anyways.

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So those of you following along with my

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attempts to get off a rock bottom after

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I lost my job at Apocalypse.cloud, well,

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y'all have heard about a few different

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forays of mine into, well, artisanal food products

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and none of them turned out too well

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in the end.

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So I decided to try something different.

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Clowning.

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Now, you might be there saying, clowning, why

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that?

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I saw a classified ad in the Grackleton

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Review newspaper.

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It made me think of my balcony scarecrow,

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Burl Booch.

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That's because Burl really resembles a clown.

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She has a large button nose and comical

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drawn-on eyes and her head is made

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out of a potato sack.

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It kind of looks like a typical clown

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mask.

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Burl always makes me laugh when I look

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out on the balcony and Burl's just kind

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of slumped there.

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It looks pretty funny.

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Most of my roommates have been a bit

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terrified of Burl Booch.

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If you remember Joe from previous episodes, well,

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Joe, my former roommate, passed out the first

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time that they locked eyes with Burl and

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the sight of that scarecrow, well, it makes

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me giggle.

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And I thought that even if I couldn't

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make a new job for myself out of

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being a clown, well, maybe my clowning would

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make me and my roommates happier and maybe

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it would make my roommates stick around a

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little bit longer if they were happy and

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laughing.

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The roommate that you heard about in the

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last show, Aaron Bandlebrush, Aaron had to leave

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because they felt that the kitchen was haunted.

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But I now have a fifth roommate, Dalton

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Paper, who has moved into my old office

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after I met them at Bulk Bins.

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Anyway, clown school.

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So the Classifieds ad was for a series

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of classes in clowning and I showed up

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at the community center all ready to go.

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But when I showed up, I thought that

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it was a little weird that everyone had

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a dog with them.

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Oh, hi.

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Excuse me.

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Is this where the clowning class is?

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Oh, you ain't got a dog there, bud.

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Oh, no.

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I thought this was a clowning class.

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And I'm here to learn.

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Was I supposed to bring a dog along

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to the clowning class?

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Oh, where's your dog?

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Yeah, no, I don't.

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I don't have one.

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It's just me.

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Do I do?

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I need it.

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This is this is a dog clown class.

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The dogs are going to be learning tricks

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and stuff.

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Oh, I see.

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A clown.

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The dogs are the clowns.

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Oh, what?

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It's actually a dog clowning class.

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Yeah, I heard her.

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So, um, wow.

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What am I?

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I don't know if I don't know if

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I should say like stunts and things are

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going to balance and walk, walk in funny

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ways and stuff.

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Oh, well, that sounds fun.

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I don't know what I don't know.

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So I found out that this was a

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different kind of clown class.

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It was dog tricks where the dogs were

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going to be the clown.

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I thought about just turning around and hightailing

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it out of there.

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But the dogs were just so nice.

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And well, the the people were so nice,

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too.

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Everyone circled around me with their dog.

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And they were talking to the person without

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a dog, like the person that kind of

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messed up.

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Some of them even offered to share their

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dog with me, someone they didn't even know.

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And this one dog just kept staring at

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me with this big grin on his face.

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He liked me.

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The dog reminded me of Burl Butch a

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little bit, actually.

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So I decided to stay.

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And I'll tell you more about what happened

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after a quick break.

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This is Un-Fuck Your Life with Tog

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Chesterfield.

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Un-Fuck Your Life with Tog Chesterfield.

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Back to the show.

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So I ended up at clown school, but

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one where the dogs were going to be

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the clowns, the dogs and their people, they

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were learning all special.

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Well, it was special dog tricks, the clowning.

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They were balancing on a ball.

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The dogs are going on a trampoline and

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walking through obstacle courses and on their hind

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legs and even using a ladder.

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Most of the things were for the humans

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to learn.

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It turned out the humans just sort of

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direct the dogs to do these things in

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special ways.

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But I showed up without a dog.

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The other people there, they offered to share

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their dog with me.

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But I thought, why don't I just do

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a bit of the clowning like I went

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there to do and work with an imaginary

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dog?

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At the time, I didn't know why I

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immediately thought to do it the hard way.

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It would have been way easier and maybe

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the normal thing to do if I borrowed

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someone's dog like they offered, especially especially that

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dog that was staring at me.

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You know, the one that looked like my

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freaky scarecrow Burl Butch, you know, the Burl

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who made Jo roost poop her pants when

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she fainted.

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Oh, I forgot this is radio.

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I guess I guess Jo won't be listening

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to this because she's on her way on

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a cross country adventure with her dog, James.

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Anyways, that would have been the easy thing

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to do.

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Just borrow somebody's dog.

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But I didn't have my own dog and

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I was there to learn clowning.

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Oh, so you just want to do.

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Wait, you want to you want you want

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to be the dog?

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Yeah, I was thinking maybe I would be

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the dog because I came here to to

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clown and I actually I don't have a

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dog of my own.

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I'm afraid.

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I mean, I can just loan you my

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dog if you want.

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I mean, my dog kind of knows how

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to do this stuff already.

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It'd be pretty easy.

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Well, I just actually I just want to

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challenge myself and I want to learn how

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to clown and entertain and stuff.

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It would be fun.

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Oh, I gotcha.

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I gotcha.

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So you do you do want to be

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the dog?

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I do.

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Well, I I want to be a clown.

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I guess if I have to be a

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dog here to be a clown, I I

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guess I could I could try.

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I mean, I don't know.

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I mean, this is Grackleton.

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Yeah, I've lived here long enough.

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Yeah.

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Well, I mean, yes.

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How can it hurt if you want to

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if you want to do it?

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I think I do.

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Oh, OK, so that's what I did.

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I started to do the exercises without a

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dog and I tried to make it work

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in my own way.

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I tried to make it entertaining and I

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did what the teacher said, but improvised to

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make it my own a little bit, I

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guess.

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I just wanted to do it the hard

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way and challenge myself and push myself a

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little harder than I have been lately to

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work with what I had, which was just

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me.

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I'd been working on my creativity to get

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out of this depression.

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So something in me told me to try

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this.

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And guess what?

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It worked, you guys.

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All the dog people cheered me on eventually,

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just like they cheered on each other's dogs

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and it felt great.

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But eventually I started to make them laugh,

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too.

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Once I figured out how to surprise them

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in new ways, like fake tripping over things,

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I kind of juggled a few training toys,

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but really badly.

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Even the instructor, who didn't seem too enthusiastic

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when I first asked them, I thought maybe

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that she knew about the potato incident, actually.

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But she came around after I got a

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little bit better as a human clown of

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some sort and wasn't disruptive of her teaching

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parts.

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So when it was my turn to go

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in the exercises, I mimed my imaginary dog

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and I became the dog when I could.

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And it wasn't too silly, but it was

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also kind of silly.

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So I got to be the clown, too,

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and I got to practice that.

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And I made people laugh, which is the

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best feeling in the world, I found out.

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And maybe if I adopt a dog someday,

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I'll know how to teach that dog these

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tricks at least.

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And while it sounds like doing what I

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did might be kind of irritating or selfish,

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maybe this was a dog clown class in

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Grackleton.

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And it was a very Grackleton thing to

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do, as most of you listening probably understand

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all too well.

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Oh, speaking of Grackleton, it's time for our

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weather.

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Tonight's weather for your drive at five with

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Um, Fuck Your Life is brought to you

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by Lou's Shop's Old Town Candy Shop, where

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you might love your teeth, but our candy

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is better than a full set of teeth.

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Get ready for the weather.

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Tonight, Grackleton is expecting a lot more rain

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that will cause the Grack Flats to flood.

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If you're headed to the flats, make sure

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to take your boots or a kayak.

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You just learn all about the weather.

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And that's it for the weather on your

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drive at five from Lou's Shop's Old Town

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Candy Shop.

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Tell Lou you heard this on the drive

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at five with Um, Fuck Your Life with

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Tog Chesterfield for 10% off the candy

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teeth.

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So I'm going to my fourth dog clown

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class as a human clown tomorrow night.

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I'm pretty surprised at myself for staying in

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the class and not choosing to borrow a

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dog.

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I think old Tog would have borrowed the

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dog.

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But this time instead, I listened to some

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new instinct or some gut feeling to just

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try a new thing.

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And I think that's what's helping me the

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most so far, at least on my journey

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out of depression, off of rock bottom.

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I somehow didn't worry about being the one

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person in the class who was different.

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I didn't worry about standing out, which I

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always kind of hated.

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But deep down, maybe I wanted to try

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standing out a little bit.

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Why?

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I wanted to do the clowning in the

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first place, I think.

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And I could have chosen the easy way

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out and I would have blended in a

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lot more.

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But this time I didn't do that.

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And it worked.

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I wasn't disruptive.

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I didn't get in anyone's way or on

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anyone's nerves.

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And I think I made things kind of

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fun or at least different, I think.

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Two of the other students in the class,

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well, the humans, not the dogs, they called

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me.

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Hello, this is Tog.

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Hey.

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Oh, yeah, Susan from the class.

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Oh, oh, the clown class.

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Yeah, I was going to send you an

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email.

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Oh, a call for an email.

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OK.

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Yeah, I just wanted to call you.

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That's Pepper.

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Oh, yeah.

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I was just going to call you before

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I sent the email because I didn't want

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you to be surprised when you got it.

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Oh, surprised by receiving the email.

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Yeah, some people, they get really surprised when

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when I send them email.

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So I just wanted to let you know

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that I was going to send you.

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Oh, OK.

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That's nice, I guess.

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Thank you.

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Oh, so I wanted to I saw some

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articles and I wanted you to see the

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articles because they're about clowning.

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And I thought of you because you're you're

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doing the clowning, not the dogs.

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Yeah.

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And I thought maybe these articles would give

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you some ideas about something to try at

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tomorrow's class.

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Oh, wow.

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Oh, thank you, Susan, for thinking of me.

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Yeah.

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The articles, they have like some things to

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do with a ladder and there's a ladder

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in the corner, the blue one.

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Yeah.

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So I was going to send you the

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email and I just wanted to let you

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know that the email will contain two links

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to each of the articles about clowning.

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OK, I will expect two links.

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Yeah.

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Great.

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So so I'm going to get off the

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phone and I'm going to write the email.

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About probably about seven minutes.

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Any any time is OK.

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He does.

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Any time is fine.

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OK, yeah, I'll just I'll just do it

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and I'll send it to you in probably

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about twelve and a half.

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OK, I have to go find your letter.

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Oh, right.

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Yeah.

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Any time is fine.

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Well, yeah.

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Hey there, bud.

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Hey.

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Yeah.

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Sorry.

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This is a Sal from the from the

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class with the dogs, you know.

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Oh, right.

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Yeah.

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Yeah.

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That class.

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Yeah.

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Yeah.

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I don't know.

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Like, I don't know how many classes you're

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in there, but I'm just taking the one.

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Yeah, me too.

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Just the one.

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Oh, cool.

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Cool.

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Yeah.

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You know, it's really hard to take more

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classes than one.

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Anyway, you know what, you know, there, but

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I just I before I forget.

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Yeah, I just by the way, it's really

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nice that you that you pick up the

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phone.

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Not everybody picks up the phone these days.

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Oh, yeah.

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You know, it's it's not so common anyways.

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I just wanted to say there.

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But look, yeah, look, I'm not going to

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beat around the bush.

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I was looking at the community center bulletin

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board there and I just saw a thing

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there on the bulletin board about how they're

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running a clown class.

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But it's this one.

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Hold your britches there.

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But there.

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Oh, I'm holding them, Sal.

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It's for humans.

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What?

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What?

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A human class?

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Yeah, you know, I thought the first person

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I thought of was you.

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And I was you know what, I'm not

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going to beat around the bush there.

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But I was wondering if you and I

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can maybe take the class together.

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You know, I don't want to make any,

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you know, assumptions or anything.

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Just you know what?

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I just thought you and you might want

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to try, you know, taking some clowning.

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I was thinking you were pretty inspiring in

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class there.

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But that's not funny.

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Nothing funny.

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Oh, no.

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I just thought that maybe, you know, I

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would maybe like to try it, too.

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And I thought maybe you would like to

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go.

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I you know what, Sal, I would love

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to go.

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Well, that's great.

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That's great.

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That makes me feel real excited.

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So I just wanted to let you know

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it's filling up fast, you know.

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Oh, clowning.

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It makes sense, you know?

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Yeah, I guess.

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OK there, bud, sign up.

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I'll send you.

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Yeah, that's the other thing.

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I want to send you a message.

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I want to give you a call, actually,

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before I sent you the message on the

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emails.

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Oh, is that OK with you there, bud?

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Yeah, you can send me an email.

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So I'm going to get off this call

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here.

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I'm going to go find your email and

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in about five minutes, probably maybe about seven.

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I'm not too sure where the paper is.

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Any time is fine.

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And after that, I'm going to write you

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a letter.

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Not any.

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Any time is fine.

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Maybe these things would have happened anyway, but

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embracing the weird, going with whatever instinct kicked

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in that day, maybe opened up a few

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doors that wouldn't have otherwise.

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And- Hello, Tog.

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Oh!

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This is your roommate, Dalton Paper, from the

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room over there.

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Oh, I remember.

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Of course.

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Of course you do remember me.

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All right.

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I just have a really quick query for

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you.

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All right.

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Go ahead.

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Good.

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Good.

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I, first of all, I wanted to hang

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some things on the wall, and I was

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just wondering if you'd be okay with a

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few nails in the wall, your wallpaper there.

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I don't want to ruin it, so I

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could use blue tack if you're okay.

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That is something that sticks things to the

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wall so it looks like a blue bubblegum,

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but it's not.

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Yeah, either one is fine there, Dalton.

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Either one.

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All right there, dear.

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That's excellent.

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All right.

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So the other question that I had, Tog,

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sorry for bothering you.

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You've got a, just, this is a lovely

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room as well.

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Oh, thank you.

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What a nice place that you have.

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Oh, thank you.

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I like it.

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My other query is regarding the refrigerator that

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you have there that's just jam-packed with

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potatoes.

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Oh, yeah.

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Right.

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Don't touch them.

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I just wanted to know if, I am

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just going to come out and say it.

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If you would be okay if I just

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had about 33% of the fridge instead

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of the 50% that you illustrated on

517

::

the handy sign that you have there.

518

::

No, that's fine.

519

::

You can have it.

520

::

Right.

521

::

Yeah, 33.

522

::

See, I just want the drawers because it

523

::

just, it makes my food feel safe, and

524

::

that's important to me.

525

::

Oh, okay.

526

::

All tucked away in a drawer.

527

::

And sometimes I forget things on the shelves,

528

::

you know, you know how it goes.

529

::

I do.

530

::

Yeah, I do that too.

531

::

Of course.

532

::

Yeah.

533

::

Of course.

534

::

All right.

535

::

Well, you've been a dear in this conversation.

536

::

Yeah.

537

::

I'll just bid you adieu.

538

::

Would you like me to close the door

539

::

so you can- Oh, sure.

540

::

Yeah, that's- Continue on with your little

541

::

shenanigans in here.

542

::

Yes.

543

::

Okay.

544

::

Okay.

545

::

Thank you.

546

::

Thank you, Tog.

547

::

What a dear.

548

::

Oh.

549

::

Dolphin paper, by the way.

550

::

Oh, yeah, I remember.

551

::

Yeah.

552

::

Yeah, I remember.

553

::

Of course you do.

554

::

Yeah.

555

::

So that's it for this week's episode of

556

::

the show here on 101.7 FM, The

557

::

Grack.

558

::

Stay tuned for Ghosts of Maple Hollow, local

559

::

lore, hauntings, and spooky stories from around town.

560

::

Oh, that sounds good.

561

::

You have been listening to Unfuck Your Life

562

::

with Tog Chesterfield, a Stereo Forest production.

563

::

This episode was written, directed, edited, produced, and

564

::

all voices were by Jen DeHaan.

565

::

You can find all show notes and sign

566

::

up to get notified about new episodes on

567

::

StereoForest.com.

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