While trying to rehabilitate Fidus Achates' reputation after their last job, Jack and Jose learn of a little girl screeching and running through walls in the building. But is she just another ghost? Or something new?

JACK OF ALL TRADES is a Faustian Nonsense Original. Check it out and read the full scripts under "transcript" at faustiannonsense.com/jack-of-all-trades , and subscribe to our Patreon at patreon.com/faustiannonsense .

Cast:

Jaci Szilagyi as Jack Withers

Amelia Kinch as Edwith Knight

Joe Cruz as Jose Perez

Jenna Duncan as Millie

INTRO

JACK

Hi! I’m Jack. Listen closely, it’s all real and very, very important.

JOSE

You still think this is some grand adventure, don’t you?

JACK

It’s my story. Our story.

Thanks for listening to...Jack of All Trades.

JOSE

Is that seriously what we’re calling it--?

[Cut to intro music.]

SCENE ONE

JACK

[Keystone is purposefully turned on, and JACK is speaking to EDWITH. JACK is walking and talking, headed over to JOSE’s apartment.]

Hey, g’morning Ed! I know you only really review these when there’s a potential conflict but... Let’s just say I have a hunch there’s going to be a fairly big conflict down the road.

Oh, that sounded bad. Hold on, back up. I’m not like planning to commit crime or anything. I just... Well, Jose and I talked. There’s a lot about this job that you don’t know about. Not just the repair stuff, but... things about the world.

Ghosts are real, for one thing. Hah. Isn’t that something? We’ve got a bit of evidence recorded by now, but you strike me as the kind of gal who needs more concrete evidence. A big fan of the details, right? So don’t worry. I won’t approach you with that stuff until I’ve got more than enough evidence to make it clear. I don’t want to put you in the uncomfortable position of having to decide if I’m lying or not. Not that I would ever lie about this stuff.

The point of it is that this stuff is real. The ‘crazy’ people spouting stuff about Fidus Achates properties aren’t crazy at all. They’re telling the truth. We can still respond to their complaints, though! It’s not too difficult, to be honest. A little salt here, a little chanting there. Not that bad.

That said, it’s not exactly safe either. I mean just yesterday... Hopefully this is long since behind us, but you’re currently real mad at me for setting that lady’s apartment on fire. Which. That’s fair. But once you know everything that really happened, I know you’ll understand.

Jose almost died, Ed. I almost died, too. If we’re going to keep doing this, we need you to believe us. We need you to help keep us safe.

I...That’s not the point of this though. I just thought I’d ease you into this a little more than having you suddenly run smack dab into a ghost. Like I did, hah. So, g’morning Future Ed! Your world is about to change, but don’t worry. Everything’s going to be just fine.

Alright, that’s it for today. I’m gonna grab some of those scones you like. Will see you in a little bit, hah.

[She takes a deep breath and lets the Keystone run until it turns off.]

SCENE TWO

[Knocking]

JACK

Rise and shine, sleeping beauty! It’s clean-up day! How are you feeling? You’re still alive right? If you died during the night and left me alone in this job I will--

JOSE

[After a pause, JOSE opens his door.]

You’re going to do this every day now that you know where I live, aren’t you?

JACK

I couldn’t sleep. Stop scowling. I brought you hot chocolate. Extra whipped cream and chocolate sprinkles.

JOSE

You’re forgiven.

[He bumbles back into the apartment, leaving the door open for JACK to let herself in.]

Just... Sit there, and don’t touch anything.

JACK

Yeah, I wouldn’t want to detract from the ‘freshly robbed’ vibe. What happened?

JOSE

Hey, I know where everything is, and that’s what matters.

[Sounds of JOSE taking a sip of his hot chocolate and groaning. A door a little further away opens and shuts. Then sounds of a shower start up.]

JACK

[She gets up and knocks on the bathroom door lightly.]

So I’ve been thinking--

JOSE

Oh my god.

JACK

[Something makes a noise.]

Oh. Shoot. Is your...girlfriend here? Please tell me it’s not a one night stand.

Sorry! Jose doesn’t say anything about his life so I figured he was alone!

JOSE

I don’t have a girlfriend, I’m gay.

JACK

Boyfriend! Datemate! Whatever!

JOSE

[Sounds of the shower turning off, some shuffling.]

Nope. Just me.

JACK

Really? But the sets of shoes, the mugs... And I swear I heard someone--

JOSE

Nope.

[Door opens.]

Still just me.

JACK

Are you finally ready? We’re late.

JOSE

Hold on.

[Sounds of JOSE chugging the hot chocolate. JACK interrupts with ‘wow, dude.’ He makes a ‘hold on’ mm-mm sound. Then a satisfied ‘ah!’]

Okay. Now I’m ready.

JACK

[Moving towards the door and opening it.]

Great. Why are you so much more wrecked than from Michael?

JOSE

Severences. Much bigger pain in the ass--and head--than talk therapy.

[Keys fumbling as he locks up.]

JACK

Severence?

JOSE

When you burned Karen’s shit. What was it, anyway?

JACK

Her phone. She was obsessed, wanted her kids to call.

JOSE

That would do it.

[Unlocking the car, getting in. Turning on the engine. Keystone eventually deactivates as they drive in silence. Reactivates when they arrive.Car turning off. Doors opening and closing, JOSE and JACK walking into the apartment building.]

JACK

Alright. The damage isn’t too bad. Just three people sent in complaints and inquiries. Hey, at least we know they’re probably alive! No possession for you today!

JOSE

Oh my stars, however shall I repay you.

JACK

[She laughs.]

Ready?

[She knocks on the first door.]

RESIDENT 1

[They open the door.]

Oh. Hey. Are you with...?

JACK

Yes! Fidus Achates sent us to make sure everything’s okay. We got your report that you saw some things that upset you. Why don’t you tell us about them?

JOSE

The more detail the better. So we can ...solve it. Sorta.

JACK

Our goal is to make sure there’s nothing to worry about, and fix anything we come across that might be worrisome!

RESIDENT 1

Huh. That’s nice. I mean it was weird, but it was pretty straight forward.

JOSE

Weird how?

RESIDENT 1

First there was the stink. Reported that to y’all, too. Then yesterday I heard my upstairs neighbor yelling at someone. There was a real racket. It sounded like... well I don’t wanna make any assumptions, but it was enough that I called the cops.

JACK

It sounded like a domestic dispute?

RESIDENT 1

Yeah. Then there was the smell of smoke, the fire alarm went off, and I figure someone must’a died cuz I saw the morgue van outside. Did someone really die?

JOSE

Nah.

JACK

No, not someone, just a... uh. Uhhh-urn. An urn. It broke. That’s a biohazard. But that’s probably what you heard, too. All that shuffling and yelling. Very emotional.

JOSE

A biohazard, yup. Had to call the morgue.

RESIDENT 1

An urn?

JACK

Yep. Full of ashes, y’know? ...Remains?

RESIDENT 1

Oh. Oh, gross.

JACK

But we’re glad you spoke up anyway! We would always want to know about anything putting residents in danger.

Fidus Achates takes pride in keeping its properties safe.

JOSE

So safe.

JACK

[After an uncomfortable pause.]

If you didn’t see anything else, then that’s--

RESIDENT 1

Other than the little girl, you mean? Yeah that’s it.

JOSE

You saw a little girl?

RESIDENT 1

Yeah.

JOSE

And...you think that she might be...dangerous.

RESIDENT 1

Yeah.

JOSE

Cuz she’s a little girl.

RESIDENT 1

Well I reckon anyone who’s runnin’ around through walls could be pretty dangerous, don’tcha think?

JACK

Wait, What?

RESIDENT 1

She was screechin’ like nothin’ I’ve ever heard before, too.

JACK

I... Huh. That’s...

JOSE

[Snickering]

That’s new.

RESIDENT 1

So, what, y’all ain’t done anything about that stuff yet?

JACK

[BEAT]

You know...there was a small gas leak yesterday during the commotion. A little one, and we’ve fixed it since, but. Carbon monoxide is known to cause minor visual hallucinations.

JOSE

It is?

[He’s elbowed. Lets out an ‘oof.’]

It is!

JACK

And you saw this all after the fire alarm went off, right?

RESIDENT 1

Yeah, I guess I did. Sounded like some kind of monster.

JACK

Good! Good. Okay. Is there...Is there anything else?

RESIDENT 1

Naw, that’s all of it.

JOSE

What, no drawings on the wall in blood? No circle of hooded figures--?

JACK

Thank you for your time! Let us know if anything else concerns you! Sorry again about the disturbance!

[Once the door shuts]

What are you doing?

JOSE

[He laughs.]

Having fun!

JACK

A screeching kid... We didn’t happen to actually have a gas leak yesterday, did we?

JOSE

Nope!

JACK

Awesome. Awesome. ...Wait. Wait, Jose, look!

[Faint kid’s footsteps.]

JOSE

Oh. Aw, hell. Jim, that’s not--

JACK

Not in front of the kid!

Hey, kiddo! I’m Jack. Are you lost?

JOSE

I’m trying to tell you, that’s--

JACK

I bet you’re probably scared, huh? It’s probably been a weird few days for you. I get it, I’d be scared too. But it’s not nice to steal someone’s body. I know you probably didn’t mean to, but--

JOSE

Jack!

JACK

What!

MILLIE

[Voice echoes like she’s possessed]

Wanna see my favorite body?

JACK

...What?

MILLIE

[Sounds of her stepping into a wide grounded position, and clearing her throat.]

JOSE

She’s not attached to anything! She’s a--

MILLIE

[Velociraptor screech]

JOSE

--demon!

JACK

Oh fuck.

[Running running running from the screeching demon child.]

What do you mean demon?

JOSE

I mean demon. She's a demon.

JACK

What does that mean? Demons exist?

JOSE

Run now, stages of grief later! Actually, fuck running, hiding is better. In here!

[Door opening and slamming, screeching becomes muffled by door.]

JACK

[Whisper-hissing, a little loud]

Demons exist!? And look like dinosaurs?

Are dinosaur bones actually from DEMONS?

JOSE

[Ignoring her and whispering better]

Do you see any salt? Anything flammable?

JACK

I don't see anything but the crack under the door. Demons exist?

MILLIE

[behind them]

Demons are scary.

JACK

[Shrieks]

Uh, why, yes they are!

JOSE

[to himself]

Shit.

[out loud]

There could be nice demons. Right? What's your name?

MILLIE

Millie. Did you like the game? We can play again!

[Breathes in, ready for more screeching]

JOSE

Running again.

[Door opens, more running, more screeching.]

JACK

I can't believe dinosaurs were really demons!

JOSE

Dinosaurs are not demons!

[Stop running, panting]

JACK

But you said--

JOSE

You're right, sorry, dinosaurs could all turn into little girls. The T-Rex in Chicago? Real name is Susie, not Sue.

We should probably stop acting like prey.

JACK

You're the one who said we should run! Besides, what else are you supposed to do when a velociraptor shows up!

JOSE

Ideally, make it not a velociraptor!

JACK

What the fuck does that mean?

JOSE

[Calling out]

Hey, Mindy?

JACK

[Hisses]

Millie!

JOSE

Mellie?

[Screeching stops.]

MILLIE

It's Millie!

JOSE

Hi, Molly, my name is Jose!

MILLIE

[Getting annoyed]

It's Millie!

JACK

Jose, maybe don't piss off the dino-demon?

JOSE

You wanna take over?

JACK

Hi Millie! My name is Jack.

MILLIE

Hi, Jack. It's nice to meet you!

JACK

Nice to meet you, too!

What now?

What are you...doing here, Millie? Uh. Where are your...parents?

MILLIE

I'm playing a game! You stopped. You're supposed to hide! Then I can chase you!

JACK

Oh. Well. I, uh. I'm kinda tired. Can we play a different game?

JOSE

I bet you were a terrible babysitter.

JACK

Or maybe we can just talk. What do you like to talk about?

MILLIE

Have you ever heard of chaos theory?

JACK

[Baffled pause]

Uh. What?

MILLIE

No? Non-linear equations? Strange attractors?

JACK

Are you...Are you quoting Jurassic Park?

MILLIE

You've seen it? I bet I know it better than you!

JOSE

I bet you know a lot of things better than Jack!

JACK

Jose just likes to tease me. Like a big brother! Do you have any siblings?

[Millie doesn't answer, slight growl starts up.]

JACK

You don't have to answer that, sorry! It was really...cool how you turned into a raptor before. Can you turn into other things? Ooh, how about a triceratops!

MILLIE

[groans]

That's so boring. She just lies there the whole time.

JACK

You're...right, Millie. You're totally right. The triceratops is boring.

MILLIE

Sometimes when I have enough energy I can do a t-rex!

JACK AND JOSE

[Simultaneous]

NO!

JACK

No, let's save your energy, ok? Tell me about yourself! What do you want to be when you grow up?

JOSE

Wow, I think you've discovered the rudest question ever to ask a dead child.

JACK

[whisper]

Dead? You said she's a demon!

JOSE

Yeah, cuz she's been dead awhile and she's strong enough to make a body for herself.

MILLIE

I wanna be a paleontologist.

JACK

That's very cool, Millie! So, uh…

JOSE

Hey, kid, how did you die?

JACK

[whisper]

Now who's rude!

MILLIE

I got run over.

JACK

Oh my god! That's so awful!

MILLIE

But it was still the best day ever, because mommy wouldn't let me go to the movies but Cynthia snuck me in and--

JOSE

So you really liked the movie you saw, huh.

MILLIE

Uh-huh! It was awesome! There were Dilophosauruses and Velociraptors and a Tyrannosaurus Rex and--

[continues as the others talk]

Brachiosauruses, and Gallimimuses, and a Triceratops, and Parasaurolophuses!

JOSE

[Whispers to JACK]

Keep her talking.

JACK

[Whispers back]

I'm not sure I can stop her. Where are you going?

[JOSE runs while MILLIE keeps listing dinosaurs.]

That does sound like a cool movie. What was it about?

MILLIE

An old man had a bunch of scientists bring back dinosaurs, and he wants kids to play with them so he put them all on an island. But a bloodsucking lawyer won't let him let the kids on the island because a guy got et by a velociraptor on the island and so he has to call in a mathematician and a paleontologist and a paleobotanist to say the island is safe from people getting et and he can bring the kids there. But he also brought his grandkids to see the dinosaurs. But then the dinosaurs don't show up on the tour and he gets mad. And an annoying guy wants to steal the baby dinosaur making stuff to sell for lots of money, so he hacks the park to stop making the fences work that keep the dinosaurs from eating people, so--

[Running footsteps and Jose's back.]

JOSE

[whispered to Jack]

I got it. I think we're good.

JACK

Hey, Millie, that's really cool! I think Jose has a present for you!

MILLIE

--but then the t-rex can't see you-- a present?

JOSE

That's right, it's a film reel!

JACK

[Whispering]

A what?

JOSE

[Whispering]

Her anchor. Jurassic Park.

[JACK takes the film reel from JOSE.]

JACK

[Whispering]

Where did you find this?

JOSE

[Forgets to whisper]

Find what?

JACK

Fuck. Millie! This is yours!

MILLIE

What is it?

JACK

It's your...it's YOUR movie. You can keep it, then you can go anywhere. But I need you to promise me something.

MILLIE

What?

JACK

You can't eat people.

MILLIE

[Disgusted]

Why would I eat people?

JACK

You can't chase people either. People don't like to be scared by velociraptors.

MILLIE

What about--

JACK

Or T-Rexes! They just want to live their lives. And now, so can you.

MILLIE

I'm dead.

JOSE

Don't let that stop you!

JACK

You could do anything, anyway. You could...you could go to school! Just. Uh. Remember, ok, people don't like to think about death. When they're alive. So.

MILLIE

You want me to pretend I'm alive?

JACK

Yes!

JOSE

Oh this is gonna go great.

JACK

Do you have a better idea?

JOSE

What? No, I love this.

JACK

[Sigh]

Millie. If you ever wanna talk to someone. Or...

[Hesitates]

...play dinosaurs, or something. You can hang out with us, ok?

JOSE

Wait, us who?

JACK

And I can help you find a school so you can hang out with other kids.

MILLIE

Ok! Thank you, lady!

[Running footsteps that turn into dinosteps as they get further away.]

JOSE

[Laughing]

Did you just offer to adopt a demon?

JACK

I didn't know what else to say! I just...needed her out of the building, but I don't wanna leave her on her own! She's a little girl!

JOSE

You could’ve...y’know. Severed her. Burned her anchor.

JACK

What? Why? She wasn’t harming anyone. Maybe a little loud, but--

JOSE

She’s not exactly human.

JACK

So what? She’s still a little girl!

JOSE

Heh, yep. Little demon girl. Though, middle school is hell. She should fit right in.

JACK

[Sigh]

At least now we can tell Ed we've gotten everything taken care of.

[JACK and JOSE leaving the building. Keystone deactivates.]

SCENE THREE

[Keystone activates, elevator sounds of entering EDWITH’s apartment. EDWITH sounds a little muffled.]

EDWITH

Come in! I’m in the office.

JACK

Oh are these fresh flowers? They're really pretty. What kind are they?"

EDWITH

Thanks! They're chrysanthemums. they're from my private garden.

JACK

Wow, you grew these yourself? You must have pretty thumbs! Er, green thumbs, I mean. I tried to grow a cactus once. It... didn't work out so well. I don't know how you underwater a cactus but I found a way.

EDWITH

[Laughs]

Tending plants does take some getting used to, but I've found if you listen they'll tell you what they need. Flowers are a lot less complicated than people. Find the right kind of soil, give them a little sunlight, water, and attention, and they'll flourish.

JACK

Aw, give yourself some credit! You’re still new around here, right? You’ll find your people! With that kind of care and attention, I bet people would bloom as much as these have.

EDWITH

Maybe so. It does seem like they’re always in bloom. It’s kind of you to comment on them, regardless. Why don't you take some with you? For your apartment!

JACK

Really? Wow, thanks! They'll look great next to my...well, I haven't really decorated yet, but this will be a great start!

EDWITH

Anyway, I'm sure you didn't come all this way to hear me ramble about flowers.

JACK

Oh! Right, yeah, I have a report for ya!

EDWITH

Excellent, go ahead and set it there on the desk.

JACK

Everything’s been smoothed over.

EDWITH

Good. I sincerely hope that incidents like yesterday’s are a rarity from here on out.

JACK

Couldn’t agree more.

EDWITH

I’m glad to hear that. See you in the morning, Jack.

JACK

See you in the morning!

[JACK leaving EDWITH’s apartment, sounds of the elevator, walking, etc. JACK starts talking again once EDWITH can no longer hear her.]

Alright Future Ed, don’t be mad, okay? The report might be missing a few details about little Millie and her extensive knowledge of Jurassic Park. But we did, technically, take care of it! It remains to be seen if we made the right call, but...

She’s a little kid. She deserves to get to be a little kid. Even if she’s a demon, y’know? Everyone’s a demon in middle school, though. She’ll fit right in.

Anyway, I’ll tell you all the details someday. I promise.

And thanks for the flowers, but they still can’t hold a candle to you.

[Keystone deactivating.]