Today I talk to Jilly about how her drinking escalated and simultaneously stopped offering her the confidence and connection she was searching for. Jilly's positivity is contagious as she teaches us to create a life we love and to truly "Live into it"

Hi everyone, I'm Victoria

and I don't drink.

2

Today I'll be talking to Jilly about how

her drinking escalated and simultaneously

3

stopped offering her the confidence

and connection she was looking for.

4

Jilly's positivity is

contagious as she teaches us

5

To create a life that we

love and truly live into it.

6

vic_1_11-20-2024_180357: So hi, Jilly.

7

lovely to have you on today.

8

Very nice to see you from all

the way across the other side of

9

the world, and thanks for coming

on at such short notice for me,

10

You just jumped right in for me.

11

So I really appreciate that.

12

, you've heard the podcast and and

we were just talking about me

13

about what we're going to do today.

14

What I want to do is, ask you some

questions around your story, how you

15

got to the decision that you didn't

want to drink anymore what that took and

16

some of the challenges and some of the

wonderful things that have come out of it.

17

And so as always, I'll just start

by asking you what your story is.

18

So if you can tell us a bit about

yourself, that would be great.

19

squadcaster-01ed_1_11-20-2024_100357:

Absolutely, Vic.

20

Thank you so much for having me on.

21

I've enjoyed your podcast deeply

and I feel like you and I have a

22

special kinship because we started,

sort of a month or two apart from

23

vic_1_11-20-2024_180357: Yes.

24

squadcaster-01ed_1_11-20-2024_100357: and

have always been a bit on the same page.

25

So, I feel very honored and,

flattered that you would ask

26

me to be on your podcast.

27

it's a real pleasure.

28

my story, I wish I had a more, dramatic

story, but I'll tell you my story and

29

what led me to, the decision that I made.

30

so I, I really really drink as a teenager.

31

I grew up in the UK and then came

over to the U S for university.

32

and it was an enormously difficult

transition actually for me

33

moving from London to America.

34

And, when I went to university,

I felt, I felt quite awkward and I

35

was teased quite a bit, you know,

is sort of, you know, kids, right.

36

Even young adults, um,

you know, just all just.

37

I said, my accent, all

the different things.

38

I felt very awkward.

39

And I also think that that time in

your life tends to be, a time of

40

change and discovery, and you're

growing into yourself I felt

41

very awkward and uncomfortable.

42

vic_1_11-20-2024_180357: Yeah.

43

Mm-Hmm.

44

squadcaster-01ed_1_11-20-2024_100357:

I remember the first time drinking

45

in my dorm room with my roommate

this is the solution here.

46

It is completely numb.

47

And now I'm super confident and I

can go to all these parties and not

48

feel, like the kid from England.

49

He was just standing out,

amongst all these Americans.

50

vic_1_11-20-2024_180357: Mm-Hmm?

51

squadcaster-01ed_1_11-20-2024_100357:

and that sort of carried on

52

quite heavily through college.

53

when I left university, I didn't really

Drink a lot in my thirties and forties.

54

I got married quite young and had kids and

I was really busy parenting and working.

55

And I, I drank, socially, on the

weekends, um, really never at home,

56

and I was very, very busy with my job.

57

then the pandemic hit and, everything

got turned upside down for me.

58

vic_1_11-20-2024_180357: Mm-Hmm.

59

squadcaster-01ed_1_11-20-2024_100357:

of a sudden, you know, I wasn't

60

working, I wasn't traveling.

61

I wasn't doing the things.

62

And what I realized was alcohol

for me was about numbing any

63

kind of feeling of discomfort.

64

That's, how I learned

to deal with discomfort

65

vic_1_11-20-2024_180357: Mm-Hmm.

66

squadcaster-01ed_1_11-20-2024_100357: hit.

67

And all of a sudden I was drinking at home

and, I think I got to drinking a bottle of

68

wine a night and now I'm drinking with my

husband at home and now it's every night

69

and it's not just the weekends anymore.

70

it just felt really awful.

71

within a year, it became

a pretty serious habit

72

vic_1_11-20-2024_180357: Mm-Hmm.

73

squadcaster-01ed_1_11-20-2024_100357:

I just.

74

looking forward to drinking more

than anything else in the day.

75

And during the pandemic, the only

things I could really do, safely were,

76

playing tennis outdoors, going for

hikes, going for swims in the sea.

77

And I started not really enjoying

those things because to be honest,

78

I had a little bit of a sick tummy

and I had a headache and no energy

79

And I'd be in the middle of a

hike or in the middle of a match.

80

I'd honestly be thinking about, I

can't wait till I can open that wine.

81

Ooh, I can't wait till

I can open that wine.

82

That hint of relief, you know, I

just stopped recognizing myself and

83

I stopped enjoying the things that

I used to enjoy really doing that

84

were enough in and of themselves.

85

And I realized that.

86

Through no fault of my own.

87

I'd kind of gone down that

slippery slope, right?

88

and so was really the

turning point for me.

89

I started, Googling,

am I drinking too much?

90

You know, all those

91

vic_1_11-20-2024_180357:

Well, we've all Googled.

92

Am I drinking too much?

93

A few times.

94

squadcaster-01ed_1_11-20-2024_100357:

and I think you had even said, I think

95

you had said to me at one time, listen,

if you're if you're Googling that, if

96

you think you have a problem, right?

97

vic_1_11-20-2024_180357: Yeah.

98

squadcaster-01ed_1_11-20-2024_100357:

You need

99

vic_1_11-20-2024_180357: Mm-Hmm?

100

squadcaster-01ed_1_11-20-2024_100357:

question.

101

You've got a problem.

102

vic_1_11-20-2024_180357: Mm-Hmm.

103

squadcaster-01ed_1_11-20-2024_100357:

and then I found.

104

Transcribed And that was very

comforting to me because.

105

Um, A, it's, you know, it's based in the

UK and that still feels like home to me,

106

vic_1_11-20-2024_180357: Mm-Hmm.

107

squadcaster-01ed_1_11-20-2024_100357:

now for double the time

108

that I ever lived in the UK.

109

more than double.

110

it felt very kind of cozy and

warm and the community felt

111

very cozy and warm and safe.

112

I just thought, well, you know,

I'll give this thing a go.

113

And so I, I joined our group took

on the a hundred day challenge.

114

And I remember feeling like, there's,

no way I can do this forever, you

115

know, like this has become like

such an ingrained habit for me.

116

And Nick was like, listen, you

don't have to decide on forever.

117

Just commit to the a hundred days.

118

Just, just do it for a

hundred days and then decide.

119

I will say that the first 10 days.

120

We're pretty grim.

121

I did not feel so good

for the first 10 days.

122

And then I think the alcohol

was out of my system.

123

I started feeling better and she came

back and I started swimming again.

124

I started going for hikes and I

started sort of, it's a little bit

125

like that moment in the wizard of Oz

where, um, where, you know, Dorothy

126

comes out of the house and everything

goes from black and white to color.

127

vic_1_11-20-2024_180357: Yeah.

128

squadcaster-01ed_1_11-20-2024_100357:

for me, Vic,

129

vic_1_11-20-2024_180357: Yeah.

130

squadcaster-01ed_1_11-20-2024_100357:

here I am again, you know, here I am.

131

vic_1_11-20-2024_180357: Yeah.

132

Mm-Hmm?

133

squadcaster-01ed_1_11-20-2024_100357:

and the peace and the calm I felt, and it

134

was like I had taken this wrong turn and

just went off this track and it was just

135

And, and then the further I went, just

felt, oh, this is the way I want to be.

136

And so.

137

I had wobbly bits.

138

I mean, there are a couple of times, I

think one time I even reached out to you

139

and I was like, maybe I didn't really

have a problem because you read, what

140

happens is you, I'm an avid reader,

different memoirs and things, and you're

141

like, oh my God, yeah, that person's so

much worse than me, I obviously didn't

142

have a problem I had posted something

and you hopped on there right away.

143

And you're like, No, actually you did.

144

Or you wouldn't have been here.

145

Full stop.

146

End of story.

147

Right?

148

No, but I needed that.

149

Honestly, I

150

vic_1_11-20-2024_180357: Mm-Hmm.

151

squadcaster-01ed_1_11-20-2024_100357:

that.

152

That was like, you're right.

153

Do I want to

154

vic_1_11-20-2024_180357: Mm hmm.

155

squadcaster-01ed_1_11-20-2024_100357:

of who I was?

156

Like, sick, Icky tummy headache, having

no energy, just limping through the day.

157

Just getting to that next glass of wine.

158

Do I want to be in this

sparkly color place?

159

vic_1_11-20-2024_180357: Yeah.

160

squadcaster-01ed_1_11-20-2024_100357:

choose sparkly color.

161

and I think what it came down.

162

To me, um,

163

I guess it was really about greed.

164

I think I'm quite greedy.

165

You know, I'm really greedy

for all of the experiences.

166

I don't want to miss anything.

167

I

168

vic_1_11-20-2024_180357: Yeah.

169

squadcaster-01ed_1_11-20-2024_100357:

all the experiences.

170

I want to be outside.

171

I want to really enjoy my life.

172

and concurrently I watched my mother

dying, of dementia brought on by alcohol.

173

And I just thought I really don't.

174

Want to go that route.

175

And so it was like this

sort of constant reminder.

176

vic_1_11-20-2024_180357: Yeah.

177

squadcaster-01ed_1_11-20-2024_100357:

I just didn't waver.

178

I stuck with my tools.

179

I read a lot.

180

I, listen to podcasts.

181

I have several routines that

are really important to me.

182

The community that, we're in and Sober

East is in our hope and glory group,

183

especially the friendships I've made there

and the honesty and the vulnerability.

184

I think those have really

been keys to my success.

185

vic_1_11-20-2024_180357: Yeah.

186

I think they have to everyone in the team.

187

And, this connection element of doing this

seems to come up time and again, whenever

188

I speak to anyone from any walk of life.

189

And it's that just that

feeling part of something.

190

And it interests me because quite a few.

191

people that I've spoken with either in

the podcast or just through sobriety

192

have had that story that you had around

feeling like they didn't fit in for

193

whatever reason that was at a certain

point in their life and then when they

194

drank alcohol it took that away and it

and it made it possible to fit in and

195

then obviously it went down a path that

didn't have a particularly good result.

196

So I had to make some changes, but it's

interesting how wanting connection was

197

probably one of the reasons we start

and then getting connection is one

198

of the things that helps us to stop

199

squadcaster-01ed_1_11-20-2024_100357:

Yes, exactly right, Vic.

200

And I think that one of the ironic

things about drinking is that.

201

it started about, feeling comfortable

to reach out and seek connection, but

202

it ended up quite isolating, didn't it?

203

. vic_1_11-20-2024_180357: Yeah,

204

squadcaster-01ed_1_11-20-2024_100357:

then that became my priority, right?

205

And so I think I was a bit of a

gray area drinker, you know, I

206

never really drank anything other

than beer and wine, but I drank.

207

A lot.

208

And like you, I'm a fast drinker.

209

It doesn't matter what I'm drinking,

whether it's coffee or tea or

210

vic_1_11-20-2024_180357: Yes.

211

squadcaster-01ed_1_11-20-2024_100357:

switch is broken.

212

Right?

213

And so then it's not

about connection anymore.

214

It's about isolating because the

priority for me became how much.

215

And there's never enough.

216

There was never enough to

get to how I wanted to feel,

217

peaceful and connected and calm.

218

The antithesis of that is the opposite.

219

It's to kind of say,

this isn't the answer.

220

The answer is true connection.

221

And when I was drinking, I didn't feel

like I was truly connecting with anybody

222

else because I was always kind of

minding, well, what's everybody drinking

223

and how quickly are they drinking it?

224

is now a good time to ask for another?

225

Right?

226

I'm not listening.

227

Yeah, right?

228

I'm tracking.

229

So, in stopping, I have

re found true connection.

230

vic_1_11-20-2024_180357: Yeah,

231

squadcaster-01ed_1_11-20-2024_100357:

that's one of the coolest gifts.

232

vic_1_11-20-2024_180357:

Definitely the same for me.

233

And I, and there's so many things

about our stories that are similar,

234

Julia, I think in terms of the

levels that we got to, Who we

235

were before it and why we did it.

236

So I was also someone who didn't

really feel they fitted in.

237

I moved around a lot as a child.

238

So new schools regularly,

didn't have an awful lot of

239

confidence in secondary school.

240

It was my second secondary school.

241

Wasn't particularly pleasant

and then went on to university

242

and exactly the same thing.

243

All of a sudden you're

like, Oh, hold on a minute.

244

This is, I can reinvent myself and I've

got this new thing that I can just do.

245

I did drink prior to that as

well, to be fair, but that was

246

a real, game changer almost.

247

And then it goes into this

adulthood and you become, You sort

248

of become that person, don't you?

249

I developed a persona almost around it.

250

Like everybody knew me as a party girl.

251

Everybody knew that if there

was anything going on, I'd

252

turn up with a bottle of fizz.

253

That was just what I did.

254

Kids parties, picnics,

didn't matter what it was.

255

I could always bring along a bottle

of fizz and turn it into that.

256

Cause that's what I

wanted to turn it into.

257

squadcaster-01ed_1_11-20-2024_100357:

Yeah.

258

I mean, I remember being on a plane

because I was in global sales for a while.

259

this is still so humiliating to me, but

the, the flight attendants said, I'm

260

having a hard time keeping up with you.

261

it was embarrassing.

262

and I was like, what do you mean you're

having a hard time keeping up with me?

263

Get it together, you know,

264

vic_1_11-20-2024_180357: yeah,

265

squadcaster-01ed_1_11-20-2024_100357:

and it was just awful,

266

vic_1_11-20-2024_180357: yeah.

267

squadcaster-01ed_1_11-20-2024_100357:

yuck.

268

vic_1_11-20-2024_180357: That's

that embarrassment though, isn't it?

269

And that's where you start

to lose connection, isn't it?

270

Because you don't really want

people to notice or to comment.

271

I mean, God commenting on it.

272

That's like, what?

273

How dare you?

274

I know.

275

squadcaster-01ed_1_11-20-2024_100357:

commenting on it, right?

276

And you're sitting there, and then

I just felt like this burning shame.

277

And I was like, but I have to have it,

278

vic_1_11-20-2024_180357: Yeah,

279

squadcaster-01ed_1_11-20-2024_100357: And

280

vic_1_11-20-2024_180357: I'm

not ashamed enough to not have

281

it, but that was very nice.

282

squadcaster-01ed_1_11-20-2024_100357: so,

283

vic_1_11-20-2024_180357: it is so bad.

284

squadcaster-01ed_1_11-20-2024_100357: I

just cringe when I think about it now.

285

I really do.

286

vic_1_11-20-2024_180357: Yeah, I know.

287

So do I.

288

Lots of things I cringe about

that I'm reminded of on occasion.

289

Oh, I wouldn't, I wouldn't

choose it for the world.

290

I was started listening to a

new book this morning, actually.

291

Um, And the lady who wrote was just

talking about that again, the same

292

experience and that just that sort of, uh,

that feeling of how embarrassing it is.

293

It's hard to explain really to

someone who hasn't really been there.

294

That is enough to make you

go, no, this isn't, this isn't

295

something I can do anymore.

296

It's just horrendous.

297

I'd hate myself.

298

squadcaster-01ed_1_11-20-2024_100357:

there is an element to a feeling

299

exposed, you know, I felt like, I

was flying under the radar Right.

300

vic_1_11-20-2024_180357: Yeah.

301

squadcaster-01ed_1_11-20-2024_100357:

Drakeson, transatlantic

302

flight, not a big deal.

303

vic_1_11-20-2024_180357: Yeah.

304

squadcaster-01ed_1_11-20-2024_100357:

She was a hundred percent onto me,

305

vic_1_11-20-2024_180357: Yes.

306

squadcaster-01ed_1_11-20-2024_100357:

you know

307

vic_1_11-20-2024_180357: Busted.

308

squadcaster-01ed_1_11-20-2024_100357:

And I felt so, I felt so

309

exposed and vulnerable.

310

Like she knows.

311

vic_1_11-20-2024_180357: Yeah.

312

squadcaster-01ed_1_11-20-2024_100357:

was doing quite a good job about

313

being, kind of moderate with everybody

me and, you know, and I wasn't,

314

vic_1_11-20-2024_180357: No,

315

squadcaster-01ed_1_11-20-2024_100357: so

316

vic_1_11-20-2024_180357: You were

probably about five drinks ahead of them.

317

squadcaster-01ed_1_11-20-2024_100357: I

318

vic_1_11-20-2024_180357: Yeah.

319

squadcaster-01ed_1_11-20-2024_100357:

probably was, you know, and I just,

320

um, I think I didn't ever really

get super wobbly because would

321

have a recollection like that.

322

Now I'd be like, no, I don't

want to be that person.

323

I really like, I really like my life now.

324

I really like what I've created.

325

I really like who I am right now.

326

I love the energy I wake

up with in the morning.

327

I love my routines.

328

I love working in my garden.

329

I love being outside.

330

I love learning new things, I wouldn't

trade that for anything that being

331

said, I don't begrudge anybody who

does like, you know, my husband can

332

absolutely drink and not get weird.

333

Like, for the most part, for the

most part, I wasn't like that.

334

vic_1_11-20-2024_180357: Yeah.

335

squadcaster-01ed_1_11-20-2024_100357: so

336

vic_1_11-20-2024_180357: Oh,

it's a definite Taylor Swift.

337

I'm the problem.

338

It's me, isn't it?

339

Here it is, because I

have the same thing here.

340

he doesn't really drink either.

341

Well, he does, but.

342

He's one of those aliens

who can take it or leave it.

343

And, you know, that's

his thing and it's fine.

344

but like you, I wouldn't

swap it for the world either.

345

Tell me a bit about, you

made a decision to stop.

346

You said that first week was hell.

347

What, what were the, if someone was

deciding to stop, what are some of the

348

things that you might want to let them

know they could expect just in terms

349

of how it felt or what you experienced?

350

and then we'll go on to talk about

some of the wonderful joys that

351

you've had ever since, because I

know that your life is really full.

352

I want to hear about that as well.

353

squadcaster-01ed_1_11-20-2024_100357:

yeah, I think, that first week,

354

my sleep was a little funky.

355

I had incredible sugar cravings

probably due to the fact that,

356

when you're drinking a lot of wine,

you're drinking quite a bit of sugar.

357

vic_1_11-20-2024_180357: Yes.

358

squadcaster-01ed_1_11-20-2024_100357:

and somebody in the group said,

359

look, just give into the sugar.

360

Cravings, you know, you want to have

chocolate, have chocolate, have ice cream,

361

have whatever it is, this will pass.

362

vic_1_11-20-2024_180357: Mm hmm.

363

squadcaster-01ed_1_11-20-2024_100357:

of the decision and sort of going

364

down, Oh, I don't know this is hard.

365

Oh, can I do this forever?

366

It's sort of like this white

knuckling kind of feeling, right?

367

and then it just, as quickly

as it comes on, it goes away.

368

And so I, as anybody who's, who's trying

it, just stay the course, stay with it

369

because miracles are around the corner.

370

If you just stay with it and get calm

and wait for it to unfold, because

371

done quite a number on myself.

372

Um, During, it wasn't a very long

period of time, but it was, you

373

know, it was a period of time.

374

it took a little while for that

to come out, out of my system.

375

And then

376

vic_1_11-20-2024_180357: Yeah,

377

squadcaster-01ed_1_11-20-2024_100357:

it very quickly starts to feel so much

378

better that I would hate for anybody

to quit before the magic happens.

379

vic_1_11-20-2024_180357:

That's exactly what I think.

380

So it's so it is hard when you stop

and it's hard for lots of reasons.

381

There's, there's probably a bit of

your body going, well, what's going on?

382

Because I'm used to having wine

. And why is that not happening?

383

There's also a bit of a social element

because your circles that you're used

384

to being in have expectations of you

that you need to address and change

385

And that's can be quite complicated,

dependent on your situation.

386

and just your routine, the routine of what

you know that you do at that time , you

387

all of a sudden have this space to fill.

388

And it's very true that you get a lot

of time back when you stop drinking,

389

because there's the hours that you

were drinking and then the hours that

390

you were feeling rubbish the next day.

391

squadcaster-01ed_1_11-20-2024_100357: Yes.

392

vic_1_11-20-2024_180357: And

what do you do with that?

393

And, and in those evenings where

for me, it was the evening and

394

I would be thinking about it.

395

What I did was that was had some wine.

396

So what do I do with that space now?

397

I can't do that if I

want to be successful.

398

And I like you very much was determined.

399

This is something that I just want to do.

400

It was hard though.

401

You had to sit with some

fairly uncomfortable feelings,

402

but they do come and go.

403

They get described as clouds sometimes.

404

Don't they?

405

squadcaster-01ed_1_11-20-2024_100357: And

406

vic_1_11-20-2024_180357: Thoughts.

407

squadcaster-01ed_1_11-20-2024_100357:

for me, towards the end, I was realizing

408

that what I was using the wine for.

409

Wasn't working.

410

vic_1_11-20-2024_180357: Yes.

411

squadcaster-01ed_1_11-20-2024_100357:

I wasn't feeling this delightful

412

numb oblivion social ability.

413

It was just something I was a bit of

a slave to, and I was just, it's just

414

taking up too much head space for me.

415

Right.

416

So, so in a nutshell, it wasn't

working a book that really

417

helped me was atomic habits.

418

and I love James clear.

419

I think anything he does is amazing.

420

His letters, Thursday newsletter,

especially as fantastic.

421

And I'm going But he, he talks about

when you're creating a new habit or

422

breaking a habit, you have to think

about yourself in a different way.

423

And so one of the things that

really helped me was like

424

an acknowledgement, like.

425

work the thing I was using it for.

426

It didn't work.

427

vic_1_11-20-2024_180357: Yes.

428

Yeah.

429

Yeah.

430

squadcaster-01ed_1_11-20-2024_100357:

to, I want to come.

431

I wanted to be relaxed.

432

I wanted to be entertained.

433

I want to laugh.

434

I wanted connection.

435

Well, the way I was getting

there wasn't working anymore.

436

Right?

437

So, it's sort of who do I want to be?

438

I want to be somebody who still has those

things, but isn't a slave to this thing.

439

And so re, framing it really helped

because I started living into that

440

new person of who I wanted to be.

441

And that made a huge

442

vic_1_11-20-2024_180357: yes.

443

squadcaster-01ed_1_11-20-2024_100357: I

loved The Unexpected Joy of Being Sober.

444

I read, Glennon Doyle's Untamed.

445

I felt like that tiger

pacing back and forth.

446

of course, William Porter's Alcohol

Explained and, and, Annie Grace.

447

Alcohol experiment and, the snake in mind.

448

I mean, there are so many really

good books dry by Augusta Sparrows.

449

I mean, there's so many good books

where you're like, these are my people.

450

They know exactly what I'm talking about.

451

And they found their way out.

452

I want what they've got.

453

So, that really helped.

454

During the day, kind of reinforcing

it, especially in the beginning with

455

podcasts, if I was driving, I would

listen to, we can do hard things or

456

soberistas or, love sober awkward, or,

you know, just listen to a podcast that

457

sort of like, these are my tribe, they're

telling my story and they're laughing

458

about it and they've survived, right.

459

vic_1_11-20-2024_180357: Sober

Awkward was great for that.

460

squadcaster-01ed_1_11-20-2024_100357:

it's so good.

461

vic_1_11-20-2024_180357: I

absolutely love Victoria Vanstone.

462

With Lucy at the beginning and

then with Hamish afterwards.

463

I really did, I thoroughly enjoyed that.

464

I still listen to it now.

465

It's a laugh out loud.

466

Oh

467

squadcaster-01ed_1_11-20-2024_100357: and

468

vic_1_11-20-2024_180357: yeah,

I've done that kind of thing.

469

squadcaster-01ed_1_11-20-2024_100357:

with both with both of her co hosts.

470

The dynamic is so good and

471

vic_1_11-20-2024_180357: Yes,

472

squadcaster-01ed_1_11-20-2024_100357:

and so joyful.

473

And I think you would ask me, you

know, what is it that I found?

474

I found joy again.

475

vic_1_11-20-2024_180357: yeah.

476

squadcaster-01ed_1_11-20-2024_100357:

found joy that was at that.

477

I probably wouldn't even appreciate if I

hadn't gone through what I went through.

478

vic_1_11-20-2024_180357: Yeah,

479

squadcaster-01ed_1_11-20-2024_100357: And

480

vic_1_11-20-2024_180357: serotonin

would be working properly as well.

481

Everything is, all your dopamine,

everything's working now.

482

squadcaster-01ed_1_11-20-2024_100357: yes,

483

vic_1_11-20-2024_180357: can, you find joy

in things that you may not have noticed

484

before because it wasn't working before,

485

squadcaster-01ed_1_11-20-2024_100357:

exactly right, exactly

486

vic_1_11-20-2024_180357: Yeah.

487

squadcaster-01ed_1_11-20-2024_100357:

the world just feels bigger

488

and brighter and better.

489

I feel so energetic and

there's nothing I can't do.

490

I take on all sorts of crazy projects.

491

my husband's constantly

shaking his head, but it's fun.

492

And who cares?

493

You

494

vic_1_11-20-2024_180357: Yeah.

495

squadcaster-01ed_1_11-20-2024_100357:

it's just, I want to do it.

496

And I just, I wouldn't

give this up for anything,

497

vic_1_11-20-2024_180357: No.

498

Okay.

499

squadcaster-01ed_1_11-20-2024_100357:

before we went on, I

500

do want to mention the.

501

Biggest tools that helped me.

502

I had read Julia Cameron's, um, I'm in

a creative field and, um, the artist's

503

way, she talks about morning pages and

this is something I picked up a couple

504

of decades ago and morning pages is just

like this, it's three pages long hand,

505

You know, where with no punctuation,

all sorts of spelling errors, it's

506

just, it's just train of thought,

just everything that's in your mind.

507

So sometimes shopping lists come

out to do thoughts about this or

508

rant about that, you know, whatever.

509

Right.

510

It's just, and I just feels like this.

511

It's the first thing I do in the

morning with a coffee in bed.

512

and I just, dump everything

that's in my brain onto paper.

513

And it kind of reminds me of,

Joan Didion an American author.

514

She said, I don't know what I

think until I write it down.

515

and that is me.

516

Like, I will write my three pages and I've

done this religiously every single day.

517

Nugget will be in there like, Ooh, I'm

noodling on this or thinking about that.

518

that was really useful to me in the

beginning catching some of the thinking

519

errors and some of the thoughts,

recently I got turned on to Elizabeth

520

Gilbert's, um, Substack account, which

is, you know, is absolutely gorgeous.

521

It's called letters from love

it's a weekly missile from her.

522

And I think it's better than therapy

she writes a letter to herself on

523

a theme from unconditional love.

524

she has different guests, introduce

different themes and it's their

525

letter from unconditional love

to them it's on video format.

526

Elizabeth Gilbert, who wrote

eat, pray, love and numerous

527

other things, but she's a sin.

528

Beautiful, soulful,

incredibly kind person.

529

I watched it and then do this

exercise on Monday mornings.

530

is so grounding and it is so delicious.

531

And it's just the very best way to

start the week that, credit a lot of

532

my joy and sobriety to her as well.

533

vic_1_11-20-2024_180357: huh.

534

I think I remember you mentioning Letters

from Love because I tried to write one.

535

this was a long time ago,

you must have mentioned it on

536

WhatsApp or something to us.

537

squadcaster-01ed_1_11-20-2024_100357:

Yeah.

538

vic_1_11-20-2024_180357: it's when you,

so, am I right that it's, you're, you

539

write, you write yourself a letter,

540

but it's almost like hearing what

you would like to be said to you.

541

Is that right?

542

squadcaster-01ed_1_11-20-2024_100357:

Sort of like what unconditional love.

543

If you imagine unconditional

love is like an entity outside

544

of yourself, unconditional love.

545

unconditional love would say to Vic?

546

Like Vic, what do you need to,

what do I need to know today?

547

So you would ask yourself,

548

vic_1_11-20-2024_180357: Yes.

549

squadcaster-01ed_1_11-20-2024_100357:

love.

550

What do I need to know today?

551

vic_1_11-20-2024_180357: Yeah,

552

squadcaster-01ed_1_11-20-2024_100357:

know today?

553

vic_1_11-20-2024_180357: okay.

554

squadcaster-01ed_1_11-20-2024_100357:

Just free form, right?

555

Just.

556

Whatever it is you need to know.

557

Um, what do you need to know about pain?

558

What do you need to know about shame?

559

What do I need to know about regret?

560

Whatever the theme is.

561

vic_1_11-20-2024_180357: Mm hmm.

562

squadcaster-01ed_1_11-20-2024_100357:

And it's lovely.

563

when you read what other people have

written, it's so illuminating and feels

564

like the coziest, warmest hug of all time.

565

vic_1_11-20-2024_180357:

Yeah, it sounds lovely.

566

maybe that's something that I could

start as part of my routine You

567

do it every Monday, did you say?

568

squadcaster-01ed_1_11-20-2024_100357:

she releases the video.

569

So it's a video of her

talking to you and then

570

vic_1_11-20-2024_180357: Mm hmm.

571

squadcaster-01ed_1_11-20-2024_100357:

she reads her letter and

572

her amazing writing style.

573

vic_1_11-20-2024_180357: Yes.

574

squadcaster-01ed_1_11-20-2024_100357:

it's so inspiring and

575

she's so warm and so lovely

576

vic_1_11-20-2024_180357: Yeah.

577

squadcaster-01ed_1_11-20-2024_100357:

sober.

578

vic_1_11-20-2024_180357: Oh, she is?

579

Okay.

580

squadcaster-01ed_1_11-20-2024_100357:

Yeah, and it's just the very best

581

way, in my opinion, to start the week.

582

I just

583

vic_1_11-20-2024_180357: Yeah.

584

squadcaster-01ed_1_11-20-2024_100357:

so much.

585

vic_1_11-20-2024_180357:

It sounds nourishing.

586

squadcaster-01ed_1_11-20-2024_100357: Yes.

587

vic_1_11-20-2024_180357: Yeah.

588

squadcaster-01ed_1_11-20-2024_100357:

way to describe it.

589

Yeah.

590

vic_1_11-20-2024_180357: Yeah.

591

What a way to start the week.

592

Good for you.

593

squadcaster-01ed_1_11-20-2024_100357:

Yeah.

594

Thank you.

595

vic_1_11-20-2024_180357: you said

that you have different routines now.

596

Is there anything else that you do

that you think has supported you

597

or that you would recommend that

people give a go to help them?

598

squadcaster-01ed_1_11-20-2024_100357:

Yeah.

599

So for me, starting the day with

writing is that's a non negotiable.

600

And then as soon as I can get outside.

601

I get outside.

602

Doesn't matter the weather.

603

I go outside for a walk with

my dogs, no matter where I am.

604

I just try to get light

into my eyes and exercise.

605

And that really helps.

606

in the afternoon or evening, when

it gets really cold in the winter

607

time and Epsom salt bath, enormous

hot bath is just, Oh, the best.

608

Right?

609

So those things have become my go to, sort

of you lean into, as James Clear would

610

say, a different version of yourself.

611

And I'm that person.

612

You live into that person.

613

So I'm now that person that does that.

614

vic_1_11-20-2024_180357: Yeah,

615

squadcaster-01ed_1_11-20-2024_100357:

I wouldn't trade it for anything.

616

vic_1_11-20-2024_180357: no, I like that

bit as well I also have done this and

617

know lots of people who have, you think

about who you want to become and all

618

those things that you relied on alcohol

maybe to help bring you, you think

619

about all those things, actually what

they are and how you can achieve them.

620

And then you just tell yourself

that that's who you are

621

squadcaster-01ed_1_11-20-2024_100357: Yes.

622

vic_1_11-20-2024_180357:

and this labeling.

623

for me recently, it's been, I'm a runner.

624

squadcaster-01ed_1_11-20-2024_100357:

Yeah.

625

vic_1_11-20-2024_180357: I mean, I'm

not really a runner, but I'm saying

626

I'm a runner because I am trying to be

someone who, who just runs and, um, and

627

obviously, you know, my, I don't drink

and that started in so baristas with

628

my site name I don't drink and I've

taken it through to this podcast and

629

I really find that making something my

identity labeling it up has helped me.

630

squadcaster-01ed_1_11-20-2024_100357: Yes.

631

vic_1_11-20-2024_180357: And that

peaceful person, like I want to be at

632

peace, I want to be cozy, or I want to

be out in the fresh air, I want to be

633

that person who's, like you said, I get

up in the mornings I go out the door at

634

seven, and I march the streets, I don't

live anywhere particularly beautiful,

635

except that I could go to the river,

but I probably wouldn't walk down there

636

on my own in the mornings like that.

637

But I just marched the streets just

to get outside and have the fresh air.

638

I'm someone who walks.

639

So you start to tell yourself that

you are someone who, and then that

640

person who you were, that someone who

drinks and that party girl, there's

641

no need for that person anymore

because all of those other things.

642

are being fulfilled?

643

squadcaster-01ed_1_11-20-2024_100357:

Yes, that's exactly right.

644

I now don't assign any shame to who I was.

645

vic_1_11-20-2024_180357: No.

646

squadcaster-01ed_1_11-20-2024_100357:

it's a necessary journey to

647

get me to where I am right now.

648

a big part of that identity, when you

were talking about tools and tips for

649

people who are starting out is when

you are living into this, a question

650

I would ask myself what does somebody

who's healthy and calm and joyful and

651

sober, what would they do right now?

652

vic_1_11-20-2024_180357: Yeah.

653

squadcaster-01ed_1_11-20-2024_100357:

the person, asking your question,

654

if you're stuck in a moment,

what would she do right now?

655

The person who I want to

be, would she do right now?

656

that has really stood

me in really good stead.

657

vic_1_11-20-2024_180357: Yeah.

658

Because then you start to trust

that person and you trust that

659

decision making that you're very

capable of, of making, you don't

660

have to make the decision to drink.

661

it's tough though.

662

It's tough at the beginning.

663

I think you're right to have

said those first 10 days.

664

I think Anybody could expect

that's going to be a challenge,

665

but great to hear it from you.

666

And I know from my own experience

that it is short lived and then you

667

will have moments throughout your

first year, two years, whatever, where

668

you think, Oh, actually, this is a

moment where I might associate it.

669

So we've got Christmas coming, haven't we?

670

And I know that there's a difficulty

for some people around that, but

671

identity wise, I'm kind of, I

think of Christmas now as that

672

lovely, like, cozy, hot chocolate,

673

squadcaster-01ed_1_11-20-2024_100357: Yes.

674

Right.

675

vic_1_11-20-2024_180357:

Like, blanket kind of thing.

676

I don't think of it as this

booze filled thing anymore.

677

It's just how you label things and how you

see things changes so much, doesn't it?

678

It's hard to believe that will

happen when you start, but it does.

679

squadcaster-01ed_1_11-20-2024_100357:

It does.

680

I think that having a community around

you and having people who are further

681

in the path than you are, right?

682

So people who, who are a mile down

the road, who are waving at you

683

going, Hey, it's fantastic over here.

684

Come over here.

685

Right?

686

vic_1_11-20-2024_180357: Yes.

687

squadcaster-01ed_1_11-20-2024_100357:

thinking about, okay, the

688

person I want to be, what does

Christmas look like for them?

689

vic_1_11-20-2024_180357: Yeah.

690

squadcaster-01ed_1_11-20-2024_100357:

a slurring, drunk, drinking all

691

day, not making Christmas dinner?

692

Well, Or is it just bright and cozy

sitting by the fire, really taking in all

693

the sparkle and all the love and all the

kindness, which I think is the whole point

694

of Christmas and being present for that,

695

vic_1_11-20-2024_180357: Hmm.

696

squadcaster-01ed_1_11-20-2024_100357:

want to be, how do I live into her?

697

And I think just coming back

to that really helpful having a

698

community to support and guide

you and kind of shine the light at

699

the end of that, the road that you

700

vic_1_11-20-2024_180357: Yeah,

701

squadcaster-01ed_1_11-20-2024_100357:

I think that's really helpful too.

702

vic_1_11-20-2024_180357: it is.

703

Jilly, we're up.

704

Our time's up.

705

Can you believe it?

706

This happens with every single podcast.

707

I go, oh no, look, we've run out of time.

708

Perhaps I should make them longer.

709

squadcaster-01ed_1_11-20-2024_100357:

it's been delightful speaking with you.

710

Thank you again so much for having me

711

vic_1_11-20-2024_180357:

It's been so lovely.

712

And I really, I really love there's a

phrase that you've used a few times,

713

tonight that I'm going to definitely steal

and I think will be the title of this

714

podcast, um, for the live, live into, live

into that, to, to live into that moment.

715

So don't lean into it, live

into it, like do it, be it.

716

squadcaster-01ed_1_11-20-2024_100357:

you want to be.

717

vic_1_11-20-2024_180357: Yeah,

I haven't heard that before.

718

And I really like it.

719

Because it is what, it's what I've

done and it's helped me immensely.

720

I'm so happy the way I am.

721

And I know that you are, and

it's lovely to see you smiling.

722

I know everyone else can only

hear us, but it's lovely to

723

see you smiling at me today.

724

thank you so much for joining

me and for sharing your story.

725

squadcaster-01ed_1_11-20-2024_100357:

my pleasure, Vic.

726

vic_1_11-20-2024_180357: I'm looking

forward to putting this one out.

727

squadcaster-01ed_1_11-20-2024_100357:

Awesome.

728

vic_1_11-20-2024_180357: Okay,

I'm going to say goodbye,

729

but thank you so much, Julie.

730

It's been great to have you on.

731

squadcaster-01ed_1_11-20-2024_100357:

Be well.

732

Take care.

733

Bye bye.

734

vic_1_11-20-2024_180357: Bye bye.

735

Thank you for listening.

736

To Sabre alcohol-free stories.

737

If this episode helped you, please.

738

Please like share and follow.

739

Or leave a review on pod chaser.

740

Dot com.

741

And if you've got a story to

tell, please contact me on Sabre.

742

A F stories@outlook.com.

743

And don't forget.

744

You can make your catch phrase.

745

I don't drink.