M is for Movies

Hi everyone!  Welcome to the A to Z of Sex.  I’m Dr Lori Beth and I am your host.  We are working our way through the erotic alphabet one letter at a time.  Just a reminder this podcast deals with adult content, so if you don’t have total privacy, you might want to put on your headphones. Today the letter is M and M is for Movies. 

Most of us respond to stories.    Stories keep us engaged, especially when we can relate to the characters.    The movies we enjoy most are the ones that tell a great story.   If you have watched most pornography, you will know that most of these movies do not tell great stories and many of them tell no stories at all.    The attraction is the opportunity to see all sorts of sex being engaged in by all manner of people.    Most pornography is watched solo and is watched long enough to reach orgasm.  Not many people watch full movies of old style porn.  The story lines are usually non-existent and characters so poorly drawn as to be ridiculous.  People talk about the ‘purpose’ of pornography of being the creation of desire and arousal and therefore many see no use in telling a story. 

Fantasies are stories and when the stories are well written and well told, you can be drawn in and aroused before you know it.  The best erotica causes arousal even when it is something you normally would not find arousing.  That can be really disconcerting.   A well told fantasy may introduce you to a desire you didn’t know you had.    Good characters will seduce us, draw us in until we cannot wait to see what will happen next. Think of the last really good film you saw.  Did you feel a part of the story?  Some characters are so engaging, that the movie going public supports enough sequels to create a franchise.    

There are a variety of female film makers who have been creating pornography with story lines.    And women who have created sites that are geared towards erotica and pornography for women.  Anne Frolicme, founder of http://frolicme.com/ has created a site with erotic films, stories and photo collections aimed at women.    Erika Lust http://erikalustfilms.com/ directs, writes screen plays and produces.  Angela Rowntree started http://sssh.com/, an erotica site for women.   She began to produce films in the mid-90’s and started focusing on women in 1999.  When she talks about what is different about her films, she highlights realistic scenarios, relatable characters and real pleasure instead of acted orgasms. 

For couples who find straight pornography or even more modern pornography with a good story line uncomfortable, there are many movies that are extremely erotic without any graphic sex scenes.    I created an ebook called 74 Movies that are not Pornography with a list of 74 of them. 

Good movies can help us to explore all types of fantasies, fetishes, and desires.  They can be a good first step when considering if you want to engage in a particular type of sexual behaviour.  If erotica about that fantasy turns you on, that is an indication you may wish to explore further.  However, just because something turns us on when viewed on the screen,  doesn’t mean it will turn us on enacted in real life.    Some things are meant to stay fantasies.  Fantasies give us the opportunity to try on identities, sexualities, genders, relationship styles.  They give us the opportunity to explore taboos without risks and as long as we understand these are just fantasies, without shame. 

Some of the movies on my list are old movies.  For example, The Man In Grey is from 1943.  It’s a British costume drama.  Why is it on the list?  It has James Mason who is frequently in tight britches with riding crop and treating Phyllis Calvert appallingly.    It may not work for you, but many of us found this movie enticing.  Belle de Jour with Catherine Deneuve from 1967 is extremely steamy.  Lolita was made in 1962 by Stanley Kubrick and based on the Nabokov novel.  This is really well done and can be both erotic and disturbing.

I am adding a trigger warning as some of the films on my list are not only erotic but they are challenging.   Some people enjoy films that are disturbing because they are erotic and deal with taboos.  Others do not.  This is one of the most wonderful things about human beings.  We are unique.   

Some people use films for masturbation only.  Others to explore areas of interest, fantasies and taboos and others with their partners to explore together or simply enjoy together.

There is a lot of concern around pornography addiction.  I do not agree with using the term addiction as I have not found that typical addiction treatment does anything to resolve the overuse of pornography.  When someone is watching pornography in preference to having sex with a real live human being, that is a problem that needs to be examined.  If someone is expecting their real life partners to perform like the actors on the screen that can also be a problem that needs to be examined.    Use of pornography and erotica in moderation is not only enjoyable but quite healthy.

Larry and Greg were together 5 years and overall their relationship worked very well.  They were the best of friends.  They enjoyed spending lots of time together.  They both loved the theatre and enjoyed going to each new play that came out locally.    They had friends over to watch the basketball that Greg enjoyed.  They enjoyed entertaining.  Everything seemed to fit together for them and they were talking about marriage.  There was just one problem. 

Their sex life was stagnant.    At the beginning of their relationship, they had lots of sex.  They explored a bit together and quickly found the activities they enjoyed.  Sex was exciting and satisfying for the first 18 months.  Then they moved in together. 

After moving in, sex became less frequent.  They were both busy with work.  It seemed more difficult to find time for sex.  Each one found annoying little things as we often do when we move in together.  They still enjoyed time together but their sex life felt a bit dull.    They started to talk about this when Larry began to talk about them getting married.    They came in for some coaching sessions to explore how they could bring their sex life back to where it had been before and also to look at how they would keep it there.    We worked together over 20 sessions exploring the problem spots, the things that worked really well, intense turn ons, possible areas of exploration and creating routines around sex and intimacy.   

For homework, I asked Larry and Greg to watch three movies between sessions, with each one having a different erotic theme.  They came back energised the next session.  Larry said ‘We each picked a film and the third we picked together.  I found it so hot to see what Greg was fantasising about.  After we watched Cruising, we had incendiary sex and then a long discussion about the possibility of trying some BDSM.’  The couple told me that adding movies to their erotic repertoire has created a new energy between them.  They have a movie date night with a twist at least once a month.

If you are interested in BDSM and Authority Transfer relationships, my favourite movies include:

Swept Away (1974) Lina Wertmuller. Starring Giancarlo Giannini.  This film is far better than the remake.  There are many layers to the film. It examines the relationship between men and women, dominance and submission, capitalists and communists.  The erotic layer is focused on power dynamics between men and women.

Last Tango in Paris (1972) Bertolucci.  Starring Marlon Brando. This film has caused all sorts of controversy since it’s release.  Watch the film first and then look at the controversy.

9 ½ Weeks – Based on the book by Elizabeth McNeil.  The film is great but the book was better.

Histoire D’O (1975)  Based on the book written in 1954 by Anne Desclos.  This film is famous as a blueprint for S&M and authority transfer relationships prior to the internet.  I first saw it at 15 in an art cinema in Cambridge, Massachusetts.

If you are interested in pure erotica that is incorporated into a story:

The Postman Always Rings Twice (1946) which is much hotter than the 1981 remake.  Stars Lana Turner and John Garfield.

The Man in Grey (1943) as mentioned above.

And God Created Woman (1956) Roger Vadim.  Brigitte Bardot brings a ton of erotic energy to this film.

One of my favourite cinematographers who creates hotly erotic films with incredible stories and characters is Jane Campion.   Two of my favourites are The Piano (1993) that co-stars Harvey Keitel. It is a complex erotic drama and Sleeping Beauty (2011) which is more obviously sexually themed as the star offers her body to men to have sex with her when she is sleeping.   Campion is deliciously complex and I highly recommend her work if you enjoy intense complex stories. 

Here are a few mainstream films you might not have considered initially;

Basic Instinct (1992) Famous for Sharon Stone’s girl on girl scene, many people find it intensely erotic.

Women in Love (1969) Ken Russell.  This one has the two men wrestling naked in front of the fire scene, that saw the British censors all in a lather.

Dangerous Liaisons (1988) Stephen Freaers.  Starring Glenn Close, Uma Thurman and John Malkovitch. 

Brokeback Mountain (2005). 

Jerry wrote in ‘My partner told me that he watches pornography when he masturbates sometimes.  I was glad that he told me but I am worried that I don’t measure up to what he sees on the screen.  Please help.’  Thanks for writing in Jerry.  The fact that your partner is being open instead of secretive means you have very little to worry about.    When partners lie about their behaviour, that is when you need to be concerned.

Do you have great sex?  Does your partner show you he is attracted to you?  If the answer is yes to these questions, then you also know you don’t need to be worrying about ‘measuring up’.  Don’t compare yourself to a two dimensional character on the screen.  Your partner is interested in a real life person he can touch, smell, hear, taste and feel. 

If this is still worrying to you, sit down and talk to your partner about your anxieties and your fears.  If the conversation doesn’t help, find a coach to talk with to help you to work through your anxieties and your fears around these areas.

Today I talked about erotic movies and pornography.  If any of this triggered you or if you have a question or a comment, write to me at drloribeth@atozofsex.com.

Thanks for joining me this week for the A to Z of Sex. Write in with your questions to drloribeth@atozofsex.com and visit both websites www.atozofsex.com and www.the-intimacy-coach.com to learn about all types of relationships – all genders, sexualities, lifestyles.  For a free 30 minute session with me, head over to www.atozofsex.com and click on the button that says ‘book now’.

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