In this illuminating episode, relationship expert Antia Boyd joins Bob Grant to unveil the five male wound patterns that significantly impact romantic relationships. Drawing from her decade of experience coaching thousands of women and her work alongside her husband, Brody, Antia breaks down how early developmental experiences shape men's relationship behaviors. Through personal stories and professional insights, she explains how understanding these patterns can lead to more authentic connections and healthier partnerships. This episode offers invaluable wisdom for women seeking to understand their partners better or attract more compatible relationships.

Key Takeaways:

1. Discover the 5 Male Types You'll Date (and Why Some Disappear)

- From the mysterious ghoster to the charismatic leader, learn what drives each type

2. Why "Perfect" Men Are Often the Most Dangerous

- The surprising truth about why seeking a man without wounds might be steering you wrong

3. The Counter-Intuitive Secret to Keeping His Attention

- It's not what most women think (and might feel scary to try)

4. How to Tell If His "Issues" Are Actually Deal-Breakers

- The real signs that separate workable patterns from red flags

5. The One Thing That Matters More Than Chemistry

- Why that intense attraction might be leading you away from lasting love

Connect with Anita Boyd: https://www.magnetizeyourman.com/

Listen to the Magnetize Your Man: https://magnetizeyourman.buzzsprout.com/share 

Connect with Bob:

How to Join Woman Men Adore Group 

https://www.facebook.com/groups/womanmenadoregroup/

Bob Grant is a professional life coach and clinically Trained Relationship Expert who’s been working with high achieving women since 1997. His relationship expertise has been featured on Digital Romance, Savvy Miss, GalTime, Belief.net, and YourTango.com just to name a few.

Relationship Headquarters’ coaching programs help high-achieving women experience the same level of success in their relationships as they do in all other areas of their life.

How to connect to Bob Grant :

Website - https://relationshipheadquarters.com/

Podcast - https://relationshipheadquarters.com/podcast/

YouTube - https://www.youtube.com/c/Relationshipheadquarters

Yeah, that's what I mean. Yeah. They get really resentful, right? Because they feel like, how about me? I want to receive, I want to feel cherished. I want to feel like you're protecting me and you're providing for me, instead of being like what they call the Peter Pan.

This is Bob Grant from Relationship Headquarters and you're listening to Relationship Headquarters Podcast where I talk to women who want to grow and experience the intimate relationship they've always wanted headquarters. And today I'm joined by Auntie Boyd from Magnetize Your Men Auntie. Nice to have you here.

Hey Bob, how are you?

Good. So those that don't know her, I want to tell you a little bit about her. She has probably for the last 10 years, coached thousands of women. And one of the ways is because she's all over social media because her content's so good. It's Facebook, YouTube, TikTok, Instagram. I'm sure I'm leaving out something, but I mean, I've known her, but I've seen her everywhere as well. And her content just draws you in. And I was excited to have her here today because she's talking about an area that I don't hear a lot about. Today we're going to talk about the five male wound patterns and how this affects relationships. And we were talking some ahead of time. So how about tell us a little bit about you and then maybe we can just jump right into what you've been studying. I found it interesting.

Yeah, and what an honor, pleasure to be here with you, Bob. And hey, I'm Auntie Boyd with Mag Tyson man, and together with my husband Brody, we've been helping literally thousands of successful women all over the world, all ages, all stages to get the connected, committed and long-term relationship that they really desire fast.

And I know that your heart's really into this too, and I know with Brody, your husband, the passion he shares with this. And one of the things I think about when you're talking about this is we talk about the real intimacy and the fun, but also what goes with real intimacy is how someone deals with injuries and how someone's aware of it. And it's not as simple as just, oh, let me make this better. Let me give you something or let me do something nice for you that you've been talking about from an intimacy and closeness standpoint, really what helps couples connect. And you've identified, I think you said five patterns. And the nice thing about that is it takes a lot of the nebulous stuff away. So if you'll share that with us, I haven't even heard them yet. This is going to be new for me as well. So I'd like to hear just as well as those listening.

Yeah, I'm so excited to share that because after speaking over a hundred stages all over the world with my husband, we've never heard anyone share that. And you know what I find so often, the reason why I went really deeply into this is because to really think about what's really the crux, what really helps you to heal your patterns in partnership. And so it's not as simple. It's not as simple as saying, oh, they have this attachment style. And if you just fix that really quick, it's too simple. I always believed after studying personality psychology at uc, Berkeley, that our personalities little bit more complex than that. And so I came across the wound patterns when I was studying developmental psychology. So what I'm going to be talking about, I'm going to dive right in about all fives. You want to have a grab pen and paper right now?

You want to write them down, and then we can kind of talk a little bit about it. And also the listener too. I love it. So the first pattern that we're going to be talking about today is the avoidant. And of course you could say, oh, I've heard that before. Isn't that like the dismissive avoidant attachment style? That could be potentially part of it. But when we really talk about the developmental stages, we really talking about sort of the first one and a half years of life about. And what that means is when the man, and of course you may not know that right away when you're dating him, so this is just for you to be compassionate. But if the man had an upbringing where he didn't feel safe in his body, maybe something went wrong with the birth, he was, maybe he's an orphan.

I've seen us definitely, I've seen that avoidant pattern with orphans, which of course makes perfect sense because the theme for them is terror. And of course, can you imagine your comes out of the womb and off you go to somewhere, a cold bed, you're dropped off on the planet. You know what I mean? You're like, I don't who I am, what I am, who belongs to me or anything. So of course it's absolutely terrifying. And so because humans are smart, what we do in order to survive, we develop what's called coping mechanisms. And so this particular type says, okay, you know what? It's so painful to be in my body. Let me just leave. So those people love to be with God or with their angels. They're very spiritually advanced usually, but why is because they're using it as a bypass. So instead of actually feeling their feelings that disassociate.

And so how you may notice that those would be for sure the ghosters, like if you've come across someone who ghost also someone where you feel like they're not really present, they're sitting next to you, but you feel like, are you in your body? Are you here? Are you, what's going on? And oftentimes you can even now, it's not always true, but in general you can identify them because they tend to be on the leaner side. And that makes of course sense because think about it, if I'm always out of my body, then the last thing I'm going to do is eat or work out or anything that makes me focus on my body. Makes sense. So that's type number one. Bob, if you have any questions or we're going to go deeper into anything, but I just want to make sure we get through all five to give you all the value here.

And so the second type is the connector. So this particular type got stalled in the second developmental stage. It was all about getting your needs met. So you're getting breastfed or you were crying in the middle of the night. Did your mom, your dad come, right? Were you hugged? Did you get the affection or were you told you're too much and there weren't, therefore you were sleep trained? I know I always get a lot of heat for that, but I'm going to stand by that. That sleep training does have an impact on the nervous system, on the developmental stages. And so in any case, if you come across someone like that, they love to just melt into you. They give the longest hugs where you feel like, wait, this guy just like Vox than me. And they feels very soft. They feel very squishy. They're almost like a little teddy bear. And the problem with those guys is they have a really hard time of polarity. You know what I mean? So also, if a man is watching that right now, my heart goes out to you.

What do you mean by polarity?

Like the men being in a masculine, for me, particular the woman being enough feminine, because the women had come to me when the man who is masculine, the qualities that they described as a man is masculine. And so what happens is that this particular type feels more like a little boy. So he loves to be in his little boy energy. And that of course long-term would build resentment for a woman because she would feel like she has to be the mommy and she has to lead and she has to plan, and she has to initiate. And so if you notice that to be true about the man that you're dating, like no, that could be behind that. So that's something where he could do some healing around that as well. I would say the worst thing that you can do is actually meet all of his needs because you're going to create codependence.

And the woman would get really resentful too.

Yeah, that's what I mean. Yeah, they get really resentful, right? Because they feel like, how about me? I want to receive, I want to feel cherished. I want to feel like you're protecting me and you're providing for me, instead of being what they call the Peter Pan, not so attractive. You know what I mean? Lots of fun, but there's a little bit more to life than just fun. There's purpose, there's growth, there's many different qualities. Anyways, so type number three is the passive guy. So this is the guy that you may text and call and he's happy to talk. You're like, wait, then why doesn't he call me? Why doesn't he text me? The reality is there is a chance that he got arrested in the third developmental stage. The third development stage is all about boundaries. It's all about really seeing, okay, so I had this great idea, so maybe he wanted to get a cookie from the cookie jar.

I always joke, so maybe he got caught and then he got shamed, and then he decided I'm not going to take action again because when I took action last time, it didn't go so well. And if it's a man shaming him is even worse. So he said, I tell you what, unless I get spoken permission, literally somebody is initiating and then I respond, I'm just not going to do it. And what's sad about that is that those are usually guys who have tremendous potential and capacity that can even be in the C-level executives. But what I've seen with that, and Bob said, there's still this hiding going on. And I'm like, what are you doing? You are absolutely genius. You're brilliant. Why do I always need to call on you? Why do I always need to? And I was like, oh, that's why. Because they actually say, let me hide in the earth. That the opposite of the avoidant, by the way, they're very grounded, very in their body, too much in their body. They don't move. That's the slowest type. So that's how you can identify passive. One, two is they speak slower, they move slower. They usually also tend to have more weight sort of waist down, which makes sense, right? Because they're pressing all the energy downward. I'm hiding, I'm hiding in the earth like a tree. But I always joke that the tree stem is also under the earth for a passive one.

It's below the surface, you can't see it, but below the surface there's a lot underneath. There lot look like much at the service. But if you were to dig down, it goes much deeper than what you see a

Hundred percent. And incredible people. And by the way, I mean I work with women, of course women have those patterns too and in a feminine way. And when we identify them for women, one woman, she's now engaged and then moved in together because we were able to identify this pattern and break through her fear of being visible and just speaking up and then even at her company about, because of course it becomes a ripple effect for other areas in your life. Out of the sudden she was asked to lead and train on how she knows all of this stuff because she became more visible and it felt still scary to her of course, because the passive one will always be a little scared to,

Isn't that one of the signs of growth though, is that someone can do something even while they are scared or even while don't feel confident versus I must wait until I feel a certain thing before I take action going date, take a risk, confront someone. And I think what I'm hearing you say is that no, actually she was able to feel it once she tapped in. Once she was aware those feelings, she could feel them. And they didn't dominate her anymore. She didn't do whatever it took to bury them.

Yep, yep. And that's what she literally said in the exit interview on my podcast is that she said that's one of the things that she learned right before she met her man. To break through that fear and to stay, to not go back and into the little hole. I think about a little animals in the woods that like saying, let me just into the ground.

I'm pausing with you for a second. Just emphasize how powerful is that? No different than typically what we hear of power through stuff, be strong, be confident, and there's a place for that. Absolutely. There's a place for that. But this is more well-rounded. I'm hearing you talking about the willingness to go to these places and freedom this leaves even though it doesn't feel like it all the time even, which is to me, one of the main reasons for having a coach, whether it's business, relationship, whatever, because what feels good? I'm sorry, what feels bad, right and bad wrong feel the same. They both feel weird. They both feel uncomfortable. I don't know if I'm doing the right stuff or not. And someone say, yep, you're on the right track. When I've hired coaches, that makes all the difference in the world. No, no, keep doing that. Okay. It doesn't feel like it's working. So I mean I'm sure you do that. We do that with clients all the time.

Yep, a hundred percent. One thing that I tell my clients is just imagine you have all those myelin shifts around your neurons that decided what patterns you run over and over again, but that have become a habit. So if you remove the myelin, she the old ones and put new ones on, of course it's going to feel super deregulating and uncomfortable because it's nothing you've ever experienced before and it feels very sort of out of sorts. It's kind of like when you go to a chiropractic adjustment and you come out and all of a sudden you feel like, I feel a little off. No, now you're actually adjusted, but you were off your whole life. I don't know if you can relate to that, Bob.

When I was a therapist before I coaching, I remember learning about the power of familiar year with families. You get families in there and Johnny was trouble and then all of a sudden Johnny would get better, but the whole family would start falling apart. I saw that timing again because what was familiar was Johnny was the cause of everyone's problems. Johnny was the cause. And I've seen that before with people back. They just, what you've seen, they straighten their back up, oh, this hurts. No, no, you're straight now. None of this doesn't feel, and people will fight at times to keep familiar because it's uncomfortable. And I go back to the story you told with a woman, I could just vision her of just, this doesn't feel normal, right? If it felt normal, you're just doing the same old stuff. We don't expect to feel normal. And the physiology that goes into that as well.

And of course if your system is hormonally and chemically used to being in sort of fight of flight, so there's like spikes and excitement and nervous and all the things, and all of a sudden it's just calm, it's going to feel, I mean, I felt like that when I met my husband Brody. It was just like a calm lake. It wasn't like the spikes and the fireworks and the, oh my gosh, I met my soulmate. You know what I mean? The angels are singing. It wasn't like that, which was a very good thing.

When you say that, I think of normalizing that feeling where it doesn't spike as much. I find a lot of women, I mean men too, but a lot of women is that they're used to the fight or fly. The ones that are and what they hate is bored and they associate anything that isn't fight or flight with, it's boring. He's boring. Someone in our Facebook group just comment on this. I went on one date, I didn't feel this intense chemistry. Shall I let him know? And I bit my tongue, pardon me, wanted to say, oh my gosh, give him, I didn't, didn't say that, but someone else in the group said, maybe you should give him a chance. I'm like, oh, so good. So I didn't have to say it. You can tell she was real fight or flight oriented you're talking about, and she'll do anything to avoid feeling bored

And it's very irrational, right? One woman that I talked to, she always goes for ches because she doesn't want watch the paint dry on the wall. And so she feels like only cheetahs can provide that whatever variety or whatever cocktail she wants to call that of chemicals that happening inside of her body. I like

Cocktail. That's a good way to put it. I like cocktail.

Yeah, it's a chemical cocktail. And she's literally saying, I'd rather be disrespected than be bored Short term. By the way, this is just short term. This is just while you're recalibrating your emotional guidance system, this will stop you, will you get built the excitement, you will build the attraction. I promise I'm super attracted to my husband, but it wasn't like this dysfunctional attraction that's not healthy that reminds you that you're about to attract the same power and the same abuse, the same dysfunction that you experienced in childhood again. So that simple way

As you're saying this with the five wound patterns, what I find interesting is as we're talking about this, I can see how the women would have to face some uncomfortable things to be able to help him with his wound patterns. I mean, like you said, she's not his mom. She's not in charge, she's not a therapist. Yes, she's not that. But how would require something of her too? I think what you mentioned with Brody is I didn't know you then, but you were at the place then to realizing, hey, I can have crazy intents. They did that before been there, and that usually ends up just awful. What I tell clients is I say, go to the prom with that guy. Go to your high school prom. Just go to the prom. It doesn't matter. He'll never be your father. I'll father your kids. Just go to the prom, have fun. Don't marry him. Please don't. Please don't even date him. But if you got to get out of your system, most laugh. But there are some that will cling to it like, no, no, I'm going to marry that guy. Okay, because anything's better than being bored. They'd rather deal with a guy's injuries than face uncomfortable feelings if they're not careful

And you don't know how good it gets if you're not willing to actually see, well, maybe I have wound patterns, which is my hope too. That same how I discovered, well, maybe I have wound patterns and that's why I haven't attracted the right one yet. So I'm actually happy that it didn't say yes while I was in my wound patterns because I would've just built a super unhealthy dysfunction with another wound pattern and we would've just been reactive towards each other. A good thing that I learned about it and just, okay, let me just wait until I actually have what I call compatible wound pattern partner for myself, right? People always say, well, you guys have been married now for 10 years. You have a baby, all the things. We also went through a mis miscarriage last year, so we went through a lot. People can't just say, well, you guys have just been married for 10 years or something. And we're like, we never had, that's

Magical. It's just 10 years. So there's no problems.

Just like, well, it's flow, right? It's flow and there's no huge explosive arguments or fights or anything like that. And it's like, well, that's by design. That's because we have compatible wound patterns. And that's when people start to become interested in what does that mean? Maybe I can attract someone who is compatible wound parents and because they thought, oh, I have to find somebody who has no wounds. But good luck with that. That's never going to happen. You're probably going to meet a narcissist who pretense has no wounds and it's a whole disaster on the back end a couple months later.

That's a great insight, and I don't hear a lot of people talking about, it's about finding a complimentary wound pattern type, and I haven't heard that phraseology before, but I've heard that in different ways from a similar pathology. There's different ways, but I love the way you're talking because a wound I can see and then I don't have to have it all perfect because if it's someone else perfect narcissistic, then I have to keep up that image too to be on the same level. And that encourages, I told women this, I'm like, you can marry this guy. Don't gain five pounds. Don't ever get sick when you're in a good mood. Oh, it's great, but you have a bad day. He'll have no patience for you because he's fragile inside. A hundred percent. And when you're talking about this, we didn't discuss this, but I'm wondering if you've seen, I've found that it's not so much someone's issue. I mean within reason. I mean if they're sociopath, that's different, but it's more of their awareness and what they do with it. Tell me how that impacts with the wound types. I heard you say that, look, everybody's got one, or at least there's some level of it.

How does it impact someone's awareness, especially a man, a man's, whether he talks psychology or not, how do you tell them as far as how that impacts on how they should evaluate him?

So if they were to say, oh, I resonated, I'm type three, or I'm the passive one, or whatever. Now where they should go with that?

Yeah, let me type the question. So I'll use one with the alcoholics. There's no woman on her wishlist that says, I want to marry an alcoholic. But I've said, if there's guy's an alcoholic and he's aware of it, maybe he's going to meetings, but he's been sober for a while and he gets it. He can't play with that with alcohol. I say, we can work with that. Oh yeah, we work with that. But give me someone that says, raise their voice. And they say, yeah, says you have a temper. What temper? That's the one that scares me. It's the total lack of, and so we can talk about a wound pattern that brought that to mind a

Hundred percent. And with every reactive pattern, and this is interesting. I have a client right now who deals with that too. And we're really uncovering, well, what is an alcoholic all about? So we're really seeing what they're about hiding. They're just a lot of shame. So when they encounter shame, they have a certain way how they deal with that shame, which is usually not good. It's like more withdrawing. That's why they're also more the avoid attachments down and so on. But it's about, first of all, gaining the awareness, taking the responsibility. And I think that's why in aa, they say, and I know we didn't plan to talk about that, but they say, Hey, I'm, I'm an alcoholic. And the idea is to actually take responsibility because then now you are accountable. You can't just disappear. You can't just say, well, I don't know. I dunno what happened.

Some other version of me overcame me. Things like that. So from me personally, it's really developing strategies. So first of all, saying, well, how can I delay the ary reaction time, which means the time between you feel the reaction and expressing it. Can you create more and more space in between? Because if you can create more and more space in between, that's when the strategies come in. Meaning screaming and tool, a pillow, punching it or crying your eyes out. If you're more a connector, you're probably more on the softer side, easily collapsing. That's always been really hard for me, which makes sense. If you were to know about my upbringing, had a narcisstic mom and so on, and if you're listening to this or watching this, you may resonate with that, but it's really like saying, you know what? I'm responsible. When bru told me, Hey, it's not okay, you're right.

So instead of coming up with what Bne Brown calls the shame shields to be like, well, how about you didn't put the dishes in the sink? Or you think you Mr. Perfect. So I could just go into total attack and reaction, but I know, and this is where, so I have to be honest with yourself and say, it's true. It wasn't respectful. Now, do I do this all the time? I would say 90% of the time. So you can give yourself a little wiggle room. We're not perfect. We can't be aware of ourselves 24 7, 7 days

A week. Don't be authentic, but I want to do something for those that were watching. If you saw the look on Auntie's face when you did this, she was playing around. But when she's being defensive, and if I'm a man watching this, I'm talking to women, I'm like, see, that doesn't come across as intimidating. That comes across as fragile. When a woman does that, it is real strong because as a man, I've got more testosterone. You're not really intimidating. You're not bigger than me. I can tell you're upset. And that's when guys will check out because they can't fight. There's not much. And see, that's what if she was going behind her wound patterns like that, then he doesn't know what to do. He doesn't know that maybe she wants her to pull her close. It looks like it's competitive. And so I don't think anyone's necessarily going to remember that in the moment, but I love how you simplified that to how can I delay this if I'm doing psychoanalytic? That builds ego strength, and that's a wonderful tool. What you gave us is to simple pragmatic ways that, oh, I don't have to have it all figured out. I can just practice these things and I don't change who I am. I'm still auntie you, but I can just work on this underdeveloped muscle.

Bob, one distinction that you made a few years for me that I thought was so groundbreaking was really that men don't care how women feel. It's just about that the women express how they feel so that it's actually the worst to hide how they feel. Because now the man is wondering, well, why is she hiding? I mean, should I question her feeling? Is there nothing wrong with her feeling, but that men are actually not wired to question her feeling the way she questions her feeling and her validity, right? So I love that you said that. And I mean, one example of what I did with Brody was I remember one day, we were one year newly, one year about, and I was like, Rachel, I mean, I want to leave the house, slammed the door. But then I was at the door and I was like, I cannot want to do that again.

And that's the other piece too. You kind of get sick and tired of being sick and tired. So I'm like, well, so I turned around and I slowly walked towards some bob and my brain was like, are you nuts? We need to protect ourselves. We need to punish him. We need to immediately separate. You need to establish your individuality and show him whose boss and all the things. And I just kept slowly walking towards him and I didn't say anything, just gave him a hug. And then I finally cried. But the brain, my brain was so scared of that because my mom would use that against me. So if I allowed myself to soften, she would hook in as a good narcissist would do, and then guilt trip me. You know what I mean? And so that would be an example of you can do things differently. And I had to do it very slowly. I didn't run into his arms. I didn't jump, you know what I mean? Into his arms. I just walked towards him.

Those watching those, I'm going to describe this. I could see it. Auntie is telling a story, it's a memory, but even if she tells it, her eyes look different. You can tell the feeling in it. It's authentic. That authentic is what we're trying to get every woman to express. And it's not about being transparent where you share everything. So even when she told the story, she's not telling all the details. I mean, there's boundaries here. There's just enough to know. But it fits. It perfectly fits. And we didn't script this, so that's why I didn't want to waste this moment, is that if you're watching this, you can see it. See, but it doesn't feel that way for her. It doesn't feel all empowering. It feels vulnerable, but it feels authentic in the moment. That's the thing. When you're willing to face wounds, that comes across. And it's counterintuitive. I'm just picturing that choosing to walk toward him in spite of everything, every defense mechanism, just grabbing and pulling the back part of your brain, jerking just what do you over here and that courage to walk toward love. I haven't heard anyone describe the way you just did, but that's a great word. Picture. I mean, I can see that just as clear as if I'm watching it right now. So thanks for sharing that with us. That was very vulnerable and authentic. And it was a great example, which is one reason I like talking with her so much

With her. What you see is what you get. And so all those people on stage and stuff, it works because she lives it. Not perfect,

Not perfect.

It is perfect. We wouldn't get along. This would've been a five minute interview. Thanks. Notice how authentic it is. So I didn't mean want to stop you with that, but I just thought that was something. So the other piece

I wanted to say, oh, go ahead, Bob.

It's okay.

So the reason why that's possible, that was possible because you may be sitting in your own living room right now listening to this, or you're driving your car right now listening to this, and you're like, I could never do that. And that may be because you don't have a complimentary wound partner. Now, if Brody would've pushed me, don't leave or don't do this, and he created more resistance, which he never did, so then I would've pushed against it because that's what my mom did. So he intuitively knew not to do that. And that's why I had enough space to really decide what do I feel is really the aligned, embodied thing to do that I actually really feel like that's what I want. And the other piece also was for me, I was single my whole life. So I said, aunt here, just two years ago, you would've given anything to have a problem like this right now, whatcha doing?

You are praying for your soulmate. You're dating all these guys, crying your eyes out, filling diary books. You know what I mean, of the lists and the gratitudes and all the things. And here you are with your man and you just want to slam the door on him. So this is also something that we forget sometimes is like, hello, this is literally what you prayed for. And now, okay, fine. You didn't put the dishes on the sink or you held you accountable to something. You know how it is. But I'm just going to carry on quickly with the two other types, and then we can potentially, cause I can hear the feel the women are sitting on the edge of their seat and be like, what's the other two types? You know what I mean? Especially the ones that love completion. I know some of you love process, but some of you love completion.

Yes, we

Want the right, but that's why you're still listening because you're still waiting. So the number four is the leader, and the leader is very fiery when you come across a leader because they're very loud. That could be the center of attention at parties, and they have a lot of charisma and they're really sort of influencing people. They can enroll people that have no problems with that. They take up a lot of space. So sometimes somebody who's more like a connector or an avoidant can actually be triggered by a leader, which makes sense because the leader is taking up all the space that all the other ones give them. And happily, they're not apologetic at all. And here's why, because they learn that they could be stabbed in the back at any moment. So it could be, for example, that parents had them do some things that they could film that was funny, but it was actually not funny. It was actually almost like semi torturing babies. I hate those funny baby videos, Bob. I hate them because if I actually track the nervous system of the baby, the parents are like, oh, that's so funny. The baby fell over. That's not funny. You know what I mean? Or inflicting some sort of pain or that the baby's entertaining for them

Because you know what? Baby at the baby's expense,

It breaks trust. And you know what the leader says? I don't trust anyone. You know what I mean? As a matter of fact, I expect anyone at any time to do that. So I'm not going to be vulnerable. I'm going to overrule everyone. As a matter of fact, I'm going to do that, going to overpower everyone. And so really understanding why did that happen? It doesn't mean that the leader doesn't have a vulnerable part, but those are the ones that are usually really buff. Of course, they're focusing a lot on physical strength. Of course, they're ready to go to war, they're ready to go to battle at any time, street fights or whatever it is. Or maybe they're in a boxing club or whatever. But they usually tend to be more on the broader, bigger side. And it's also, if you think about from an evolutionary standpoint, rights pumping up the chest.

Don't mess with me. I'm the alpha here in the room. And so sometimes the connector loves that energy. You know what I mean? Because the connector can be very feminine if it's a woman, sorry, and the leader is the masculine. But in any case, it can also lead to abuse. So if we talk about the wound, unfortunately, leader is the most likely to become abusive, which of course makes sense, right? Because he's like, before someone overpowers me, I'll beat them up or I emotionally control them. It's all about control and power for the fourth type. So just something to be aware of. So daddy the easiest to identify. Of course, there's not much money to say about that. We all know someone like that. Oh my gosh, that's that person in my office. She's like a total bitch. You know what I mean? I'm like, yeah, probably a leader. And any question you have about that, Bob, before we move on?

No, I think that one's pretty self-explanatory. Is

Self-explanatory, right? And they don't even have respect usually even for their parents, or they saw that the dad was abusing the mom. And so then they're also disrespectful to what the mom thinks like that. And then type number five is the perfectionist. That's the one who just everything needs to be right. You know what I mean? They're in their head all the time because they don't follow their heart. They don't follow their body. They follow systems. So they follow rules, regulations. So they love books like the rules, what's to say or call them after three dates. They also love to see, okay, so I'm most likely to get pregnant between the age of this and that, or they love statistics. So everything that sort of gets them away from themselves, it's kind of interesting, isn't it? And they tend to be also on the leaner side, but they have muscle, but they have more lean muscle.

So they're very, very strong. But they're also focusing on really, they're very judgmental. They can be very judgmental, judging everyone else for not being perfect or for not following the rules. So they will not flip a bitch. I call them traffic if you're not allowed to do that, or they will not cross a line or whatever it is, they will never interrupt someone, all the things, but they could become a little passive aggressive because where do they go if they have to be perfect all the time? Well, they got to go somewhere. And so they can become condescending. They can make little stabby side comments. And it's really like a metal sword, sort of like when they say something, it hits, it's really jarring on other people.

Would you say? They're very measured.

They're very measured, and they're very critical. Usually when you talk to them, they always have some critical, well, I wouldn't do it like that.

Or they always feel like they need to put some sort of evaluation on what you said, and they feel like, I just shared, I didn't want you to give me feedback. I didn't want you to tell me. You know what I mean? That's the right thing to do or the wrong thing to do. And the sad part is when I do exercise with them about connecting with themselves, I'm like, who? Yourself. You know what I mean? They don't even know themselves. There's nothing inside because everything is projected to the external right now. You wonder, wait, how did a perfectionist come to be? Well, they were forced to grow up fast. So either they grew up in households where when they dressed in a funny way, which is totally normal, kids dress up in all kinds of ways. They don't match their socks, all these things. You have a 20-year-old and you've gone through that too, Bob, when she was younger. And so they would get harsh criticisms for that, potentially even punished for that. So they always had to match everything. They had to be properly sitting at the table. Everything had to be, they usually also be more, everything is on schedule. So there's nothing about like, oh, the baby doesn't want to eat right now, or the toddler or whatever. Kindergarten doesn't matter. It's 12:00 PM we are eating now or it's Sunday.

I control my internal based on the external world being in

Control,

Which would mean I would do that with a partner as well.

A hundred percent,

Right? How dare you gain weight? How dare you fill in the blank. How dare you raise your voice? How dare you get mad and walk out on me? I can't believe you would be. So I can imagine someone doing that accuse.

And I think the disconnection there could also happen. They cause just a lot of shame in people, right? Because they catch you when you don't. Nobody's ever on top of everything unless you're perfect, perfectionist yourself. You know what I mean? So maybe

To make up something seem they carry a lot of shame also is one reason why they do that,

Of course, because their shame is they're inner child. As soon as somebody is like, oh, I would never be that emotional. Yuck. So this would be more like a perfectionist, somebody who's really judgmental. So they would be highly judgmental of somebody like a connector, because no, they literally tell me, I don't have emotions. I'm not that kind of person. Oh, really? Should we rewind the tape and look at all babies across the world and show me which baby, no matter what culture doesn't have emotions. So they're literally denying their joy, their feminine, the pleasure, the flow, all of that. They're denying all of that to themselves. So that of course has to come out somewhere, and it's usually through projecting, and it's through shaming all the people who are not acting appropriately or dancing in a certain way. I mean, it could be any kinds of things who are five minutes late to work.

She will be the one who will be telling on them, or at least making little side comments in the lunchroom and things like that. So I'm psych already see some women like, oh my gosh, I know what you're talking about. I mean, that's my mom or that's my sister. But again, the reason I talk about the five types is develop compassion so that you actually know. Wow, now I know, but we are all scared to get mean, to get attacked and to get disappointed and to get hurt and to get let down. And so we all just have different ways to put a mask on so that we can deal with that. And then if it gets even worse, it becomes a strength. So now they say, well, in business it has got me really far. I'm running three companies. I'm owning homes. I have three private jets.

You know what I mean? It's a little exaggerated, but just really just sort of, it is got pay places. So what do you talk about? So when you heal your wound, it doesn't mean that your drive is going to go away. What changes is the motivation. So what that means is now you don't come from a must imagine you're like, I have to be perfect, even though I'm completely exhausted and I have no time to get it two hours early to do my perfect makeup and hair. It's different than I choose now. It becomes a choice. You're still going to live, you're still going to be loved. You're still safe when you're not perfect that day, but now you choose. See how that feels different to the nervous system? It comes from a para

Athletic nervous love. Because I think of people that have gone through trauma or wars. One of the things at least I've read from them is the lack of choice. I mean, it's one thing if I have a bad day and there's a choice I can make to get out of it and I tough it out, it's another thing. When I don't have a choice, which is what I'm hearing you say, then that's the powerless, terrifying part of, I don't how long this is going to last. I don't know what this would, I hear you talking about not being at the mercy of that anymore.

A hundred percent. And when you're in fight or flight, research shows you delete 60% of conversations. You're delete, you're the distort, you generalize, and it's just your whole life becomes so complicated. And you may be listening to this because you're not in the right relationship. You maybe you're not in a relationship at all because you can't keep anything. Everyone is running for the hills or you're running for the hills and you're like, why am I doing this? I don't want to do this all. I want to start this deep, connected, committed, authentic, intimate relationship. But then I act like all aloof and I could care less when I meet a guy, but I only care about that when it's too late and when he leaves. So to really identify like, well, maybe some avoidance in there. You know what I mean? And some other parts that you want to look at.

What are you judging inside of yourself? Because I would say, people ask me a lot on interviews, what was sort of your breakthrough? And I definitely would say my relationship to the pieces I judged inside of myself that I don't judge them anymore, that I just show up anyways. And it may be totally weird. One time I told my husband that I wanted to, my ego was thinking about manipulating him, and he said, oh, really? How did your ego wanted to do that? Right? So you'll say things that I'm sure your man has never heard before, or if men are listening right now that your woman has never heard before, you know what I mean? But it'll be so refreshing because it's exactly what you said, Bob. They can feel the authentic heart. It doesn't matter what it looks like, it doesn't matter the appearance, especially for your lovely perfectionist out there. I'm a little bit in that sort of camp too, a little bit. But to be do it anyways, do it anyways.

It is hard emphasize for every woman watching, and I'm speaking for all the men, how hypnotic it is when a woman's authentic. And what I like what you had said, because what you just did was gave us the stuff, the wounded types leads to being transparent or ultra guarded, the extreme, but that authentic is that sweet spot. So before we wrap up, this is fascinating, by the way. I love it. I love talking about this stuff. It brings me back to grad school.

I miss being able to talk about this is because you work with this. It's one thing to have this information. You work with it. We're going to put a link down there, links to tell us about. So look, whether you're watching on YouTube or the podcast, still blow, but just tell everybody how they can get ahold of you, how they recommend anyone this has interested. You see, auntie, she doesn't just read stuff. She works with it. She lives it and she loves this. And there's something about being with someone that loves what they do. That's the people I want to work with, whether it's my attorney, coach, whatever it is, and she's that. So tell them what's the best way for them to get ahold of you.

Yeah. So next, take our free love quiz and virtual coaching session to really get that sort of committed, authentic, transparent, long-term relationship that you desire fast without the frustration or the endless loneliness that I went through, or maybe on the board of attracting one emotionally unavailable man after the other. So for that hop on. It's probably like someone in your show notes here to get love quiz.com, get love quiz.com, and then you'll be able to potentially get a call with me, have a conversation, but at least take the quiz and see if we for sure have some resources for you there.

Thank you so much for joining us. We will certainly have the links below, but in case someone was driving, I wanted them to hear it, to have some idea to know that there was a way to reach you and love to have you back again. I'd forgotten how much fun we had last time until we did this again. Great topic. As always. If you like this, be sure and subscribe and hit the like button. It's on YouTube. Auntie you, thank you again for joining us and we'll look forward to seeing you again.

Thank you so much for having me, Bob. Take care. I

Hope you enjoyed this new episode, and if you did, the highest compliment I can have is you sharing this with your friends and leaving a review on Apple Podcast and Spotify. Also, if there's a question you want me to answer, a topic to cover, scroll down to the show notes or go to relationship headquarters.com/podcast. I've enjoyed having you and being with you this time. I'll see you next week for a new episode.