Shownotes
Lock your doors! Another classic ScreamQueenz episode has escaped The Asylum and is out for revenge!
This time, it's Episode 27 from March 1, 2011 in which Veronica Cartwright received the first-ever (and last-ever!) ScreamQueenz Lifetime Achievement Award.
From THE BIRDS to ALIEN to INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS and beyond, Veronica Cartwright has elevated the role of the Sniveling Victim to a sublime art form.
Nobody goes to pieces, cries and dies like Veronica, and tonight we say that you for the screams!
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Transcripts
Hello, everybody. Welcome back for another classic episode of ScreamQueenz, the podcast where horror gets gay.
,: I'm Patrick WALSH, and since:But yeah, you heard in that intro bumper, ScreamQueenz has a brand new website. There's a situation beyond my control.
I lost Access to screamqueenz.com, the original domain, and the battle to get it back was going to be lengthy and expensive. And I said, you know what? Not worth it. Let's just get a brand new website. It's a brand new day and a brand new website.
So, yeah, go Visit us@ screamqueenz.net but not now. We got a show to do. Now, the ScreamQueenz lifetime achievement. What really was something I planned to do every year.
But the thing was, when I recorded this episode, Brad and I had been sick for weeks. Like, whatever bug we had, we kept giving it back and forth to each other.
One would get sick when they got better, the other one would get sick, and then when that one got better, the first one got sick. It went back and forth and back and forth. It was really gross. So I had a lot of time on my hands.
So this episode took a lot longer to research than a normal episode would. And just doing that in a regular rotation just never came up.
In case you're new and you don't remember what this was about, the ScreamQueenz Lifetime Achievement Award was given out to an actress who's never the star of the film, she's never the final girl, she's usually dead. But she's always given incredible performance, and she's an icon in her own right who may not get the respect and credit that she deserves.
And spoiler, the first year, it was Veronica Cartwright.
Patrick:Yay.
Patrick:Yay. My favorite victim. Because, hey, you can't have a horror movie without a screaming victim. And nobody does it better than Veronica Cartwright.
That's what the show's all about. And while you're listening to this episode, let's remember this was 15 years ago. She's done a lot of stuff since then.
If you're wondering, why haven't you talked about her great work on Revenge or Grey's Anatomy or the Town That Jedit said that. Well, because they didn't exist at the time. Okay? So I'm acknowledging them now.
And just so you all know, if you're not watching A Man on the Inside on Netflix, the Ted Danson comedy, She's got a recurring role in season one. I mean, the show's incredible. Anyway, it's a brilliant ensemble comedy and it's bringing me so much joy.
The cast is absolutely banana, but she's part of the cast in season one. And the squid I squeezed when she showed up because I had no idea she was coming there. All of a sudd there she was.
A girl still has power over me after all these years. And you know what? I'm babbling. So why don't I just shut up and start the ceremony?
,:And so are you. Hi, my beautiful screamers. And welcome to another episode of ScreamQueenz, the podcast where horror gets banned.
This is episode 27, and tonight, the time has finally come. It's time to reveal the winner of the ScreamQueenz Lifetime Achievement Award. Who's it gonna be? I'm not telling you now. You gotta wait till later.
But this ceremony is so fantabulous that it's gonna take up this whole episode. And I think you're gonna like it. So don't sit back, don't relax. Cause it's time to scream.
Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, the time has finally come to announce the winner of the first ever ScreamQueenz Lifetime Achievement Award. Now, some of you have WR St. Patrick. What exactly does that mean? Who's up for this sort of award? Is it us?
Am I up for the Scream Queen Lifetime Achievement Award? After all, I was crowned Scream Queen of the Week. And you're right, you were, and you're wrong.
No, this award is for the scream queens of the silver screen. The ladies of the Gore Streaked Cinema who have never gotten the kudos that they deserve.
And by that, I don't mean those granola bars that they don't make anymore. I mean the applause from the fans, the lines at the horror conventions, and the action figures carved out of their bodies. Yes.
I'm not talking about Jamie Lee Curtis.
Patrick:No.
Patrick:I'm not talking about Adrienne Barbeau.
Patrick:No.
Patrick:Am I Talking about Linda Blair?
Patrick:No.
Patrick:Am I talking about your mama? Yes, I am. But that's behind your back. No, I'm. This is for the unsung ladies out there. Yes.
een entertaining us since the:This woman has elevated the role of the shrieking victim to new heights never before seen. And nobody, and I mean nobody, goes to pieces, cries and dies like this goddess before you.
Now, may I present the first ever ScreamQueenz Lifetime achievement award to Ms. Veronica Cartwright. Oh, my God. Don't you love this, bitch?
Patrick:I love this bitch!
Patrick:Now, first of all, a lot of you out there may think that she used to be on Lost in Space, but you are wrong. You are absolutely dead wrong. That is her sister, Angela Cartwright. No, no, no, no, no. Sure.
Angela goes out in space and she hangs out with Dr. Smith and Robbie the Robot. Veronica goes out in space and she gets to fight facehuggers and slimy ass HR Geiger monsters. Who's kicking ass? Not Angela. No, sir. No, sir.
Patrick:Ooh.
Patrick:Danger, Penny Robinson. Danger. Mr. Smith is out of mascara, please. I know. I'll never forget the first time I laid eyes on Ms. Veronica Cartwright.
When she first stepped foot onto the screen as a mere child in Alfred Hitchcock's the Birds. And she bounced right up to Tippi Hedren and she said, hi.
Veronica Cartwright:Oh, they're beautiful. They're just what I wanted. Is there a man and a woman? I can't tell which is which.
Patrick:Neither can we, Veronica. Neither can we.
And, of course, who could forget later on in the film when not only does she stand up to Jessica fucking Tandy, she totally outs her brother to Lee.
Veronica Cartwright:I still don't understand how you knew I wanted lovebirds. Your brother told me. Then you knew Mitch in San Francisco. Is that right? Mitch knows a lot of people in San Francisco.
Patrick:Oh, really?
Veronica Cartwright:Of course. They're mostly hoods.
Patrick:Oh, is that what they're calling them now, Kathy?
Veronica Cartwright:Well, mom, he's the first to admit it.
Patrick:Right on, Mitch. You go, girl.
Veronica Cartwright:He spends half his day in the detention cells at the hall of Justice.
Patrick:Ooh. Nothing like a good prison rape fantasy to spice up the workday.
Jessica Tandy:In a democracy, Kathy, everyone is entitled to a fair trial. Your brother's practice.
Veronica Cartwright:Oh, mom, please. I know all that democracy jazz. There's still hoods.
Patrick:In other words, shut your face, Miss Daisy. I ain't driving you nowhere. I'm playing the piano, girl. Jessica, Tanny, the first one of the screen goddesses.
Her time period, you know, screen and stage, you know. Oh, forget it. This nine year old girl just stood up to a fucking legend and smacked her ass down.
I looked at her and I said, this little girl can kick some ass. This is gonna be fantastic when these birds show up, she's gonna bite the heads off with her little teeth.
Well, not so much, because when the going gets tough, Veronica goes to pieces.
Veronica Cartwright:When we got black from taking Michelle home, we heard the explosion, went outside to see what it was. All at once, the birds were everywhere. All at once, she pushed me inside and they covered her, Annie. She pushed me inside.
Patrick:It was then that I realized there was more than just kicking ass to make a scary movie interesting. There was also blubbering. But this girl did not just blubber, she sniveled. Her sniveling was like art. I was hooked. I couldn't wait for more.
tunately, I had to wait until:I don't really know because all three of those actresses are the exact same person in my head. As a matter of fact, I'm not really sure that they're not the exact same person with three different names. Some kind of conspiracy.
But you know what are we here to talk about? Karen Ellen, Brooke Adams, Jessica Harper? No, we're not. We're here to talk about the real star of the movie. No, not the POD people.
We're here to talk about Veronica Cartwright, who, by the way, likes to be called Vern by her friends, of which, naturally, I am one. I'm a friend of Vern. It's kind of like being a friend of Dorothy, but with more crying and hysterics and less barbiturates.
So anyway, in this movie, Vern plays the girlfriend of a very young Jeff Goldblum. And let me tell you, Vern and Jeff, the chemistry is just sizzling. It's weird on weird, and I am eating it up with a spoon.
They live in San Francisco, see, and they run a bath house. Now, you would think in San Francisco a bathhouse is a very specific kind of thing where specific activities seem to go on.
Nudge, nudge, wink, wink, say no more, you know what I mean? But apparently there's an actual bathhouse, you know, with like spas and mud baths and saunas. And crap.
There's not a lube dispenser and a garbage can full of empty popper bottles. But that's not the point right now. Now she's all, like, hippie granola. You see her and she's wearing this kind of shapeless, caftany, sweatery thing.
And she's got her hair all done up in these weird, sort of, kind of, you know, hottie Klum meets Pippi Longstocking meets Oktoberfest kind of braids sitting all up on top of her head. And she seems kind of dippy, you know? And it's not long into the film where they discover a partially formed pod person in the baths.
No, I always thought you just had to worry about trolls. But no, there are pod people in the bathhouse. And of course, it's not long before we're having the classic Veronica hysterics.
Veronica Cartwright:Jack. Oh, Jack, you're gonna suffocate.
Jeff Goldblum:No, My nose.
Patrick:Okay, Jeff, shut the fuck up. Nobody cares about your bloody nose, okay? Veronica is screaming. Don't try to pull focus from Vern, because you can't.
Veronica Cartwright:Jack. Jack. Jack. Jack, wake up. It's eyes. Oh, Jack, it opened its eyes.
Patrick:See, Jeff, I can say this to you because we've studied with the same acting coach and graduated from the same program. You can try as much as you want. You can emote all over the place.
You can Google your big eyes as much as you want, but you cannot take a scene from Vernon. All she's got to do is scrunch up her face, turn red, start the waterworks, and it's over for you, baby.
Anyway, think that's great about Vern in this film is that looks are deceiving. Because like I said, when you first see her, she's really dippy. She's frumpy. She's.
Patrick:She.
Patrick:She's just sad looking. As the movie progress, she gets a little more hip looking. She puts this little, like, maroon number on. She's got the little 70s Bob Rockin.
And all of a sudden, like, okay. And you start to realize that she may be crunchy and granola and zippy and dippy. She's actually got this whole thing figured out from top to bottom.
All these other people are spitting hypotheses and theories, but who's always right? Vern. Who could have saved the day? Vern. Who did nobody listen to Vern. Who was left standing at the end? VERN!
Brooke Adams:Look it. I have seen these flowers all over. They're growing like parasites on other plants all of a Sudden. Where are they coming from?
Veronica Cartwright:Outer space.
Jeff Goldblum:They're not coming from outer space.
Veronica Cartwright:Why not? Jack?
Jeff Goldblum:They're not coming from outer space, nancy
Veronica Cartwright:why?
Jeff Goldblum:What are you talking about? A space flower?
Veronica Cartwright:Why not a space flower? Why do we always expect metal ships? Look, there's bound to be other ways it can get into our systems. We would never even notice it.
Not from the impurities that we have. I mean, we eat junk and we breathe junk. Now, they could start getting into our systems and screwing up our genes.
Like DNA, recombining us, changing us.
Of course, this is just the same way those rocket ships landed thousands of years ago, so those spacemen could mate with monkeys and apes and create the human race. It's happening now.
Patrick:Okay, she started to lose me with the spacemen and the monkeys and the apes. But you know what? Bitch is right. She'll be listening to Burn. It's happening now. I love the way she says that. It's a little girl.
It's a little pouty girl one. It's happening now. Oh, and by the way, who is it that figures out that the way to get past the pot people is to block your emotions?
Do I have to say it? Give me a V. Not that V. Ew. No, Vern. Not V. Ew. Nancy, they've got this building surrounded. How did you get in here?
Veronica Cartwright:I've been wandering among them for hours. They can be fooled.
Jeff Goldblum:How?
Veronica Cartwright:Don't show any emotions. Hide your feelings.
Patrick:And who fucks up this plan the second they see a dog with a hobo head? No, not Vern. It was Brooke Adams, Karen Allen, Jessica Harper bitch. Stupid Brooke Adams, Karen Allen, Jessica Harper ruin everything.
And you know what?
This little Karen Allen, Brooke Adams, Jessica Harper bitch is so threatened by the presence of Vern that she's got to go and take her titties out in a PG movie. Be walking around with the titties. Look at me. I'm naked. Everybody look at me. Naked. I'm better than Vern.
No, you're not better than Vern, because you turn into a pop person. You crumble. Stupid bitch. You know, I said earlier that the only person left standing at the end was Veronica Cartwright. And I lied.
She was the only one left unpotted. And unfortunately, things don't end well for Ms. Cartwright or the human race as a whole.
But really, what better way to end the tale of the Apocalypse than with a complete apocalyptic emotional meltdown from the Queen herself?
Veronica Cartwright:Matthew. Matthew.
Patrick:You know, Donald, you really should excuse yourself after making a noise like that, girl. I don't know what taco stand you ate, Am, but you need some stuff. Packing some Beano.
And it was with this film that Veronica Cartwright for me, rose into the apex of her glory, her true calling, the queen of screaming, crying and dying. She screamed and cried in The Birds, but she didn't die. Nobody dies like Veronica Cartwright. It's the whole package. She is the whole package.
And not to be outdone by her little shitty sister Angela on her sitcom, Veronica said, you know what? I can go to space, too. And so she did. With Ridley Scott on the Nostromo. Yeah, it doesn't go well for her there either.
Now, of course, we all know and love Alien. And, you know, a lot of people pick on Veronica in this movie because, oh, she's so wimpy. She's so blubbery. She's this. That other thing.
Shut the fuck up. It's genius. Besides, somebody had a counterbalance. All of Sigourney Weaver's butchness and her afro. And her angular face.
Her angular I can cut diamonds with my cheekbone face. Now, don't get me wrong, Sigourney. You know I love you, too. Plus, you can kick my ass, but it's not about you right now.
You got an Oscar nomination for Aliens. You've got your cred, you've got your accolades. Now shut up and pull your panties up. We can all see your butt crack. Cat, please. I am podcasting.
Anyway, you know when they're first coming back to the ship from being in the planet? When that alien craft. And, you know, Kane's got the thing on his face, and Sigourney Weaver will not let them in. She's like, listen to me.
If we break quarantine, we could all die. And Lambert looks up in the camera and goes
Veronica Cartwright:could you open the goddamn hatch? We have to get him inside.
Patrick:We gotta get him inside. See, there's that little girl pout again. The whining has begun. And of course, what better whining was there than the chestburster scene?
As a matter of fact, let's play this one again. Whine along with Lambert.
Veronica Cartwright:Oh, God. Oh, God.
Patrick:It's my favorite. And I love the fact.
Apparently, according to the story, that was a completely unsolicited, like, unrehearsed reaction because they didn't tell them what the special effect was. You all know this story. So the thing when the alien burst out of his chest, it was all a surprise to them. And, you know, they didn't know where.
And blood just splattered everywhere. But the only person it hit was Veronica Cartwright in the face, causing her to go. And we are thankful for that happy mistake.
And of course, when she finally comes face to face with that big alien, she doesn't. Does she butch it up? Does she even bother putting up a fight? No, no, she does what she does best. Veronica goes to pieces and then gets torn in pie.
And so we bid goodbye to another deliciously fragile Veronica Cartwright character creation. Of course, we wouldn't have had to say goodbye to this particular character had Ripley not gone back for that goddamn cat.
Now, I know a lot of people criticize Sigourney for that decision, but personally, I think I would have gone back for the cat, too. Because without the cat, how would Sigourney Weaver ever have started her own podcast? Wait, she hasn't started her own podcast? Then fuck you.
Go say Veronica Cartwright. God, let's not think about it. Because you know what?
Veronica will be back several years later to take on Jack Nicholson, the devil himself, in the Witches of Eastwick. And, oh, my God, this one makes me moist.
Now, some might say that this film was a bit of a departure for Verne, because while deep, yes, she does meet a horrible fate, and, yes, she does do a lot of screaming. She doesn't quite go to pieces in the same way that we've come to know and love. This might be her most mature role, you might say.
I mean, after all, this woman that she plays, she's a fine, upstanding Christian woman who cares deeply about important things.
Veronica Cartwright:What's going to happen to those birds now? You tell me that.
Richard Jenkins:What birds?
Veronica Cartwright:Snowy egrets. Where would they nest?
Patrick:Ah, her beloved snowy egrets. What the hell is going on with the damn snowy egrets, you ask? What has got Vern's panties in such a twist? Well, I'll tell you.
Their nesting ground is about to be torn down to build a mansion. A mansion for who? Jack Nicholson. Who, you ask? The devil.
And I have to say, much like Invasion of the Body Snatchers, Ol Verne is the only one who sees bad things coming. What's the matter, honey? It's only a house.
Richard Jenkins:Why are you so upset?
Veronica Cartwright:I have a feeling, Clyde. The most terrible feeling. Something's happening, Clyde. Something evil.
Patrick:But does anyone listen to Vern? No. Do they ever? No. They really should, goddamn it. Because bad shit does happen.
Evil is on the way, and evil's so powerful that just speaking its name aloud sends Vern for quite a downfall.
Partygoers:I know. But who is he? Well, he must have a name. Yeah. I just. I just can't remember it. Drake? No. Darren and Elliot. D Something. R Something. Daryl. That's it!
Patrick:The sound you just heard was the sound of Vern's pearl necklace breaking off of her neck.
The pearls scattering all over the marble floor, just waiting for Ol Verne to step on them and send her tumbling down the stairs. No, I guess she's not the first girl to have her day ruined by a pearl necklace.
Partygoers:Van Horn?
Partygoers:Yes.
Partygoers:Daryl Van Horn.
Partygoers:Daryl Van Horn. What kind of a name is that,
Richard Jenkins:Sweetheart?
Veronica Cartwright:Oh, Clyde. Honey, I think I broke my leg.
Patrick:No, I just gotta say, I was impressed with Veronica here because, yeah, she just broke her leg. She just fell down the stairs and broke her leg in front of the entire town.
And, you know, she didn't cry, she didn't snivel, she didn't go to pieces. Maybe our Veronica has finally grown up. Maybe she's grown a set of balls. Maybe she's become her own Sigourney Weaver.
Because think about it for a moment.
Had this been aliens or Invasion of the Body Snatchers, Veronica would have laid there at the bottom of the stairs and said, oh, God, Clive, I think I broke my leg. The birds, they covered her. Oh, wrong movie. Anyway, but you know what I mean.
Maybe she's found this new inner strength and this film will show us a new, braver, snivel free Veronica Cartwright. Or not. But seriously, do we want to snivel free Veronica Cartwright? No, we don't.
It's nice to see these departures, but it's still good to see you still got it in you, baby.
Unfortunately, we don't get to see it for the rest of the film, but we do get to see a breakdown of monumental proportions when she has us freak out in the church. No. Ass rubbing herself the whole time, spouting about the evils going on in that house.
Veronica Cartwright:You know what's going on in that house? There is vice. There's shamelessness.
Richard Jenkins:All right.
Richard Jenkins:Cavorting with that devil. She's fine. She's okay. She's
Veronica Cartwright:no! drugs. Drugs are this.
Murder, Rape, incest, Spanish flies. dildos, Anal intercourse . Listen to me.
Richard Jenkins:Sorry. I'm sorry,
Patrick:Veronica. Nobody's listening to you again. It's just like Invasion of the Body Snatchers. God damn it, nobody listen to this woman.
But again, they don't. And so Veronica eventually meets her demise, as is, you know, as well she should, because it's what she does best. But it's like my grandmama used to.
Say, if you're gonna go out, go out in a storm of puked up cherry pits.
Veronica Cartwright:He wants to get inside me, Clyde, just like a man. Ooh. Tickle, tickle, tiddle, tickle. God made us into the image of goodness. Look what we've become.
Animals gone mad, devouring the earth and each other. Eat, eat, eat, eat, eat, eat, eat.
Richard Jenkins:Okay, all right, Felicia, take it easy. Calm down. Go.
Patrick:Get ready. Here it comes.
Patrick:Yay.
Patrick:There's more. There's going to be more. Hold your new hats.
Patrick:Yay.
Richard Jenkins:Let's call it a day.
Patrick:I'm sorry, Clyde, but Felicia will not be calling it a day, because that would make her Felicia Day. Hilarious. This is what you tune in for, right? Yeah. So we say goodbye to Vern and the witches of Eastwick.
But while these were some of her greatest roles, they are not her only roles. Of course, she was brilliant as Jack's mom on Will and Grace.
But I remember about 15 years ago, I caught on a made for TV movie version of Shirley Jackson's the Lottery. If you haven't read it, go back to fucking high school and read it. It's a seven page story that is phenomenal. Simple, yet absolutely horrifying.
Which they managed to stretch out for two fucking hours. How did they manage to do that with. I'll tell you exactly how they did it.
They padded it out by making it a whole love story for its stars, Keri Russell and douchebag Dan Cortese. It was them falling in love and solving the mystery of their own town. Which, if you know the story, it happens every fucking year.
How do you not know what's gonna happen? For those of you who haven't read the story, too bad, I'm about to spoil it.
In this little town, whoever wins the lottery gets stoned to death in the public square. Guess who wins.
Personally, I was hoping it was gonna be Keri Russell, just because it would have preemptively struck against her getting that goddamn haircut. She des stoned to death for even thinking about getting that heritage cut. But no, it's not her. Of course it's not her.
That's right, it's Veronica Cartwright. And she goes down in her full glory. Let's finish quickly, people. Solidifying her as the queen of Screaming, crying and dying.
And this is why I and the entire scream queen's audience salute you today. Ding dong Patrick from the future here.
I just needed to chime in about this lottery made for TV movie because I just watched it again recently because I said, yeah, maybe it's better now. It's not. It's not better now. It's actually worse now.
And the reason it's worse is because I didn't realize what a disgrace they did to Veronica Cartwright. Because what if I said this whole show what that makes Veronica fabulous? The way she goes to pieces, cries and dies. And yes, she wins.
Slash loses the lottery. And yes, she gets stoned to death by the whole town. But they change what happens in the story. Like the story itself is very simple.
The short story, the woman gets chosen and she dies screaming. She dies screaming and angry screaming. It's not fair, it's not right and it's not.
But in the movie they've re she chooses to take the place of her daughter, Keri Russell. So she's dying with dignity. So she doesn't make a goddamn noise while the town stones her to death.
How the hell do you cast Veronica Cartwright and not let it do the one? Not let her do the thing we're all there to see her do. And she only gets hit with one rock that we see. Everything else happens off screen.
How can you kill Veronica Cartwright on screen? What's the matter with you people? I don't know. We'll never know. And what's more, I don't care. Back to the show. Ding dong.
hough she does die. There's a:Although it's about porno. It also starts Richard Dreyfus in this all star cast, including Jessica Harper, or should I say Jessica Harper, Brooke Adams, Karen Allen callback.
And Richard Dreyfus plays this once wunderkind Hollywood director back in the 30s. And you know, he, he had one big huge hit that took over the industry and now he can't do squat.
And in order to make ends meet, he's making little porno shorts, which sounds like something you wear, but you know, porno pornographic short films with this big star, Veronica Cartwright. And one of these shorts, Rough Sex for Veronica, goes a little too far.
And while she doesn't get to cry, snivel or die, she does get to shoot up a lot of heroin and do a lot of full frontal nudity. And you know what girl had a rockin bod. And okay, it's the 70s, so she had the big old bush.
But you know what, you cannot hold 70s bush against people in the 70s was customary of the time. Love her. Love her big bush. I do. And so should you.
So, Veronica Cartwright, congratulations on being the first ever ScreamQueenz lifetime achievement award winner. In honor of this momentous occasion, Veronica, I present you with this lovely brooch. Yeah, I know.
It was supposed to be a tiara, but I decided it's gonna be a brooch. It's hard to take the brooch. No tiara for you. Stop crying. You cannot work your wiles on me. Take your goddamn brooch and hit the road. Okay. By beloved.
And I also love you, my beloved ScreamQueenz audience, thank you so much for tuning in for this very special show. We'll see you all here at the awards ceremony next year when, who knows when, maybe the winner will be you.
All of the music for tonight's show, unless otherwise specified, has been written by Sam Hayes. You can find all of his [email protected], bitch ass.
