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#296: Unlock Your Full Potential: Motivational & Transformational Insights on Trauma, Self-Discovery, & Holistic Self-Improvement with Alan Lazaros
11th June 2024 • Inspirational & Motivational Stories of Grit, Grace, & Inspiration • Kevin Lowe, Inspirational Speaker & Transformational Coach
00:00:00 01:07:25

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Do you often feel like you're meant for more, that you're not living up to your true potential? If so, let's change that right now! You are made for greatness. And you owe it to yourself and to the rest of the world to be sure that greatness is shining through each and everyday!

In today's episode, Alan Lazaros shares his journey from struggling with self-worth and feeling lost to achieving extraordinary success. His story and insights are perfect for anyone looking to overcome personal challenges, improve their self-perception, and unlock their full potential.


What's It All About?

Join your host, Kevin Lowe, as Alan Lazaros opens up about his transformative journey from self-doubt to self-empowerment. Alan's life changed drastically after a car accident, forcing him to reevaluate his self-worth and purpose. Despite his academic and professional achievements, he struggled to feel proud of himself until he discovered the power of mindset shifts and personal growth. Through candid reflections, Alan reveals how he built resilience, embraced his potential, and created a life of fulfillment and success. He shares practical strategies for overcoming personal and professional challenges, the importance of surrounding yourself with positive influences, and the ongoing journey of aligning with your true purpose.


This episode is not just about Alan’s story; it’s about how you can apply these lessons to level up your own life. Get ready to be inspired, take notes, and embark on a journey of self-discovery and empowerment.


Some Key Takeaways:

  1. Discover how to evolve your self-worth and embrace your achievements.
  2. Learn practical strategies for shifting your mindset and unlocking your potential.
  3. Gain insights into building a positive support system and aligning with your true purpose.


Don't miss out on this truly powerful conversation with Alan Lazaros – He's here to help you level up your life, your love, your health, and your wealth all by sharing his own journey from then to now.


Mentioned Links & Resources


Sizzlin' Summer Special!

Your host, Kevin Lowe, is offering FREE coaching all Summer long! During your 30-minute 1-on-1 coaching session you will get clear on your goals, understand the obstacles trying to stand in your way, and leave with a roadmap to be sure the second half of 2024 succeeds all expectations!

SIGN-UP ASAP!


Today's Awesome Guest

Alan Lazaros

Alan Lazaros is a renowned speaker, coach, and podcast host known for his transformative insights on personal development and success. After overcoming significant personal challenges, Alan dedicated his life to helping others achieve their fullest potential. He co-hosts the highly successful podcast, "Next Level University," and is a sought-after speaker on topics including mindset, habits, and resilience. Alan's mission is to empower individuals to unlock their next level in life and achieve extraordinary results.


ALL THE WAYS WE CAN CONNECT

GET IN TOUCH

PODCAST HOST: KEVIN LOWE




Guided by Faith. Inspired by life itself.


© 2024 Grit, Grace, & Inspiration

Transcripts

::

Have you ever found yourself at a point in life, maybe it's even where you are

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right now, where you kind of feel like you're in a hole?

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You've had something happen that's kind of shook you, that's made you look at

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life from a different angle.

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And to be honest, you don't really understand who you even are,

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what you're doing, where you're going, and you just feel lost.

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Lost well you're not alone in matter

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of fact today's guest alan Lazaros he

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was in that very position now what's awesome about alan's story is that he's

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going to prove to you that there's a way out and as you hear his story he's

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going to help you at the same time today's episode is one that

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you're probably going to want to take some notes on because the information,

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the stories, just the unbelievable knowledge dropped in your lap by Alan Lazaros

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is absolutely incredible.

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My friend, this is the episode that is going to take things to the next level,

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helping you to level up your life, your love, your health, and your wealth.

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This is episode 296.

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Bye.

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Yo, are you ready to flip the script on life? Because those bad days,

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they're just doors to better days.

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And that's exactly what we do here at Grit, Grace, and Inspiration.

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Your host, Kevin Lowe, he's been flipping the script on his own life,

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turning over 20 years of being completely blind into straight-up inspiration,

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motivation, and encouragement just for you.

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So, kick back, relax, and let me introduce you to your host,

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Kevin Lowe. My friend, is there any chance that you are looking to get the most out of this summer?

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That you are ready to make these summer months into a launch pad to be sure

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that the second half of 2024 is your best year ever?

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Well, then you need to take advantage of my sizzling summer special.

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I'm offering free coaching sessions all summer long.

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Yes, all June, July, and August, I have opened up my calendar for you to book

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a free 30-minute breakthrough coaching session where we can get clear on your goals,

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figure out what's standing in your way, and to set you up for success in the second half of 2024.

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All you have to do to grab your spot is to text SUMMER2024. That is all one

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word, no spaces, SUMMER2024 to the phone number 33777.

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That is 33777.

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And I will respond with a link for you to book your session.

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Now, if you would rather just have a link to click, well, then just scroll down

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and check out today's show notes where you can do just that.

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And with that, it's back to today's episode.

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I used to listen to shows, podcasts, and I used to hear these people tell their

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stories and they always seemed so articulate and they seemed like they had it

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all figured out and they seemed like they understood the narrative.

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And now here I am nine years later, I started listening to podcasts nine years

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ago and I'm a podcaster as well.

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And so now I'm telling my story starting to sound like that.

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So the first thing I want to share with everybody is I did not have any of this

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figured out So when I share my story,

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that is my 35-year-old re-watching the movie of my own life version.

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It is not the understanding that I had at the time during it.

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So I always use Finding Nemo as a reference because it's an awesome movie.

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I went and saw Finding Nemo when it was 2003 when I was in, I think,

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middle school. I used to ride my bike to Bellingham and to the movie theater.

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And we were supposed to see a different movie. We ended up seeing Finding Nemo.

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But my point of Finding Nemo is I saw that movie when I was a kid.

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And then my second date with my beautiful girlfriend, Amelia,

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I ended up watching Finding Nemo again.

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And there was jokes that I now understand. There was moral of the story I now kind of understand.

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So when you're an adult and you see a movie that you saw as a kid,

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you recognize things in the movie.

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Nothing changed about the movie. Something changed inside of you.

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Yes. And so when I tell this story, I want everyone to understand that I am

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telling it from the 35-year-old frame of reference, having rewatched the movie of my life.

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Whereas at the time, I had no clue what was going on.

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So I was born into adversity, although I didn't know that at the time.

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Again, that'll be a theme. Yes.

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And I was two years old and my father died in a car accident when he was 28.

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So he was 28. My sister was six. I was almost three. So I was two and my mom was 31.

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And my real last name is actually McCorkle. So I came from the McCorkles and

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my birth father, John, John McCorkle, had five siblings.

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So six kids, big Irish Catholic family.

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John, Joe, Jim, Jane, Joan, Jeanette, all J.

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And so when he had passed away, my stepfather came into the picture and my stepfather,

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so my last name, Alan Lazaros, I took his last name, which was Lazaros when I was around seven.

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So between ages three and 14...

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We kind of didn't talk much or at all, really, with the McCorkles.

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And the reason why is we were trying to be the Lazaroses, quote unquote.

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And so it was me, my mom, my sister, and my stepfather, Steve Lazaros.

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And my mom and stepfather did not get along well.

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And that is a polite way to say it on a public medium.

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Yes. And so, and again, I didn't have the courage to share any of this until

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my 30s. So you're in for a real treat, Kev. No, I'm kidding. Yeah.

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But again, I didn't understand any of this until recently. I started doing therapy

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in my 30s, Kevin, and I reflected again on all this and now I kind of get it.

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So from three to 14, I had a stepfather and I now playfully refer to that part

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of my life as boats and BS.

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And so we had motorcycles, we had snowmobiles, we had trucks.

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My mom drove a BMW. We had ski trips and we had vacations and we had a yacht

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and we had ocean boats and all kinds of stuff. Not to mention,

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it was also the 90s, late 90s, early 2000s.

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And the 90s, particularly in the US, but globally, the dot-com bubble,

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the economy was booming.

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And so, there was definitely a lot of money. My stepfather worked for a company

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called Agfa. They did hospital computers during the computer boom.

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And so, we did very well financially. initially at 14.

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So I was, I was Xbox, Dreamcast. I was, I was early Christmas presents,

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but at home things weren't good behind the scenes, but it looked really good

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from the outside looking in based on the boats and the, and the snowmobiles

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and the vacations, all that stuff.

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So 14 years old come, I'm 14 and my stepfather leaves.

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Now he takes not only 90% of the income with him. And I go from Dreamcast,

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Xbox, early Christmas presents.

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I'm quote unquote, the rich kid living on a small pond, big lake to,

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I now get free lunch at school because our income is so low.

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I now shop at Salvation Army for clothing.

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My mom trades in her BMW for a little Honda Civic back in the early 2000s.

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And not only that, but my stepdad leaves and takes his entire extended family with him.

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So my grandma, Joan, grandpa, George, my uncles and aunts, that whole side of the family gone.

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I haven't spoken to a single one of them since. Wow. Yeah.

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My mom and her sister got in a fight, my Aunt Sandy, and my Aunt Sandy kind

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of ostracized us from her side of the family, the Higgins.

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So we're not talking on the McCorkle's, my birth father's side,

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because we're being Lazaroses. The Lazaroses leave when my stepdad leaves.

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And then on top of that, the Higgins kind of ostracize us from that side of the family.

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And the only person I've seen from that side of the family since is actually

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my cousin Jeff, who I didn't see until eight years later.

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So 14 was a tough year. Now, on top of that, my sister moves out with her older

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boyfriend at that same year.

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And so I essentially, for lack of better phrasing, lost three families by the time I'm 14 years old.

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Wow. And I didn't realize the abandonment issues that came with that at all.

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Because at the time, I didn't know anything except for challenge, struggle, adversity.

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And obviously, there were some bright spots too. You know, we grew up in a nice

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area in terms of the nature.

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I grew up on a pond. And so there was a lot of fun and bright things too.

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But at the end of the day, it was definitely not normal and definitely not super positive.

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So now I'm 14 years old. It's just me and my mom in that big house.

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And my dream was to go to Worcester Polytechnic Institute.

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It's WPI. It's kind of like a mini MIT in Massachusetts. It's one of the best

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technical colleges in the world.

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And it's extremely, extremely, extremely expensive.

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It was $50,000 a year back then. And so when I was 10 years old,

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my uncle Merle was the track and field coach at WPI.

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And so the field there is still called Norcross Field, named after him. He's since passed away.

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And since I was 10 years old, It was my dream. My mom said, you're good at math.

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Engineers make a lot of money. You should be an engineer. You should go to the WPI.

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You'll make a lot of money. And so I had two paths in life, two big dreams.

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I had a lot of little ones, but I had two really big dreams.

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My two career paths when I was a kid, which now I realize is weird,

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were lawyer, politician, president.

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I kid you not. That was actually what I was considering. I'm not even kidding.

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It was lawyer, politician, president. I now realize how crazy that is now.

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Or it was going to be engineer, MBA, CEO, like my hero at the time of a Fortune

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500 company, a tech company like my hero, Steve Jobs, at the time.

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Steve Jobs is no longer my hero, but at the time he was. So it was always Bill

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Gates versus Steve Jobs.

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And I built my first computer when I was 13 and that kind of thing.

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So anyways, lawyer, politician, president, or engineer, MBA,

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master's in business and Fortune 50 CEO or Fortune 500 CEO of a tech company.

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So I chose obviously the engineer road.

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I got into WPI and I went from, I'm excited to see if I can get in to,

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I don't even know if I can pay for it if I do get in.

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So I ended up just doing what I now refer to as my trauma response,

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which I didn't understand back then.

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Whenever life was really painful, fortunately, my trauma response was aim higher,

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work harder, get smarter, fortunately.

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Yeah. And so I did. I bootstrapped through all of high school.

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I got what's called the President's Award. It's actually behind me right now in my office.

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And it's signed by President George W. Bush. And it's essentially you get straight

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A's all through high school in all report cards.

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So that's four report cards per year, four years, 16 report cards straight.

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I got straight A's. I got 189 in honors English. Fortunately,

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it was an honors class, so it was weighted.

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But I never took honors English again after that, I'll tell you what.

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I was the math and science guy, Kevin.

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So I call it STEM, science, technology, engineering, mathematics,

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business, and finance. Those are my jam.

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And writing and reading and all that kind of stuff weren't nearly as natural for me.

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So anyways, what I had to do, got into college, did it, straight A's in high

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school, and I got financial aid and scholarships, so I was able to go.

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But you can't lose, those are academic based. So if I screw this up, I'm in trouble, right?

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And this is a $50,000 a year school. And I realized real quick that some of

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the other people that came to this school, my peers at that time,

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did not have to face what I had to face to get there.

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And they also have have the money to pay for it. Whereas if I flunk out, I'm screwed.

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So it's a little bit of a different dynamic there.

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So I just found the smartest people I could, surrounded myself with them.

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I did a lot of partying too, which we will get to.

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But essentially I got a 3.4. I graduated with computer engineering.

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I graduated with distinction.

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And then I stayed for my master's in business. And then I was off to the races.

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And that's when I went into corporate.

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So I worked for a bunch of different tech companies. I worked for iRobot,

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Sensata Technologies, Oz Development, development, Tyco Safety Products.

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Lens America, a bunch of different tech companies.

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And I did a lot of job hopping and soul searching post-college.

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And I went from 65 to 85, 85 to 105, 105 to 125, 125 to nearly 200,000.

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So I was at about 180 when I peaked.

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And now I'm 26 years old. At this stage, I paid off $84,000 worth of college debt in a single year.

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I have $150,000 in an investment account for Vanguard and I bought S&P 500, which is an index fund.

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I bought a bunch of Cognex and a bunch of other tech companies that I knew would grow.

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And I had no mortgage, no family.

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I went from basically bootstrapping bro college kid to 1% global earner.

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And again, earner, not net worth, earner in a very short amount of time.

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I remember painting houses in Maine, the sophomore summer of college to when

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I graduated college making so much money, I didn't even know what to do with it all.

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That's why I invested most of it, fortunately. But so now I'm 26.

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I'm working for a company called Cognex.

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Cognex's motto is work hard, play hard. I used to say work hard,

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play harder, which we're going to get to.

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And I was an inside sales engineer, started a little inside sales engineering

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team. And then I was an outside sales engineer and I managed a territory.

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So my territory was Vermont, Vermont, Western Massachusetts, and Connecticut.

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I'm selling industrial automation equipment into manufacturing facilities.

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So imagine the biggest ice cream company you can think of that you adore or

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the chips that you eat, I would sell into those manufacturing facilities.

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And it was machine vision equipment. So we would sell the eyes of robots, so to speak.

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And again, it's a very simplified version of what we were actually doing. So I did very well.

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Boom, boom, boom. Now I'm 26, SpaceX making almost $200,000 a year.

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I'm rising in corporate and I have what I thought was the American dream and

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I did it, right? I made it, quote unquote.

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Now, I'm 26 years old. I'm in New Hampshire with my little cousin.

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We're playing Call of Duty, also known as Call of Dudeski.

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We're playing Call of Duty and we're not drinking, not partying or anything

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like that. It's a Friday night. We're going to TGI Fridays and I'm driving.

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Now, to save money and get out of college debt, because that was my goal.

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Several years earlier, I had bought this 2004 Volkswagen Passat. Thank you, Volkswagen.

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So, this car, I bought it in cash, five grand cash.

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And I used to call it the tank. This is a German an engineered steel trap of

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a car that I called the tank.

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And that car definitely saved my life. So we're driving to TGI Fridays.

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It's 2015, really bad winter. The snow banks are covering the signs and there's

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a yield sign that I don't see.

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I'm supposed to yield and I don't. I end up on the wrong side of the road and

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I look up and I see what I thought was a Mack truck.

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And my computer engineering brain goes, there's no chance. This is the end. No question.

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Fortunately, it was not a Mack truck. It was a lift kitted pickup truck.

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And I was driving that steel trap tank of a car. Thank you, Volkswagen.

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So both airbags did deploy. My little cousin hurt his knee on the airbag.

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I hurt my face on the airbag, but we were okay.

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Now, normally I show the pictures of this car in my speeches.

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And the reason why is because I've seen pictures of my dad's car and they don't look very different.

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And so for me, this was the physically we were okay, but mentally,

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emotionally emotionally, and spiritually, I was beyond messed up after this.

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This was my quarter life crisis because I got the second chance that my dad never got. Wow.

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And so this is when I flipped the script and I was filled with regret. What did it all mean?

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Who was I as a man? Did I make good choices? Were these really my dreams or were they ego driven?

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Was this what I was supposed to do versus what I am called to do?

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And so the best way I can describe it as this, and I promised you that I'd do

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the short, mid, or long version, so two guesses which one this is.

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This is the long version. The point is, though, is that I now,

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the best way I can describe it, again, this is in hindsight,

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whereas at the time, I had no idea.

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Before 26, I was very achievement-oriented, I was very gritty,

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to the point of this podcast, I had big dreams, and I was improvement-oriented

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toward those dreams, but I wasn't self-sufficient.

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Improvement-oriented. I wasn't personally developed. I was professionally developed.

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I wasn't personal growth. I was external growth.

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And so rather than achieving at the expense of fulfillment and inner work,

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I now flip the script hard.

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And that was nine years ago. I often playfully joke, I'm hoping to hit puberty at 36. I'm now 35.

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And I look very young. I know know, you haven't seen me, but I look very young.

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And so, so anyways, I often get made fun of, I look 12.

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So, but anyways, so now I fortunately, so I've been successful without fulfillment and that sucked.

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I have been fulfilled also without success because after that car accident,

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I went all the way past broke as a broke entrepreneur starting my own thing.

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I know a lot of people can relate.

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And so I've been successful without fulfillment. I've been professionally developed

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without self-improvement and personal development.

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And then I went all the the way past and I was fully personally developed,

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but I wasn't successful. And so I was fulfilled, but unsuccessful.

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And so I always say this, success without fulfillment sucks.

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Fulfillment without success turns out also sucks. And so the best way to move

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forward and what I've found over the last nine years really is how do you design

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a life that you can be successful and fulfilled simultaneously?

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How can you be professionally developed and personally How can you be the duality,

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the dance, the yin and the yang of a holistically well-rounded man or woman?

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And that's really what I've come to is it's actually really difficult to be

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ambidextrous in the 21st century. Yeah. Wow.

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What a crazy journey just to get to 26 years old.

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I mean, it's crazy when you think about it.

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And I want us to go back because I want to unpack a little bit more about the

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fact that you had told us that at 14 years old, your entire life changed.

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Everything changed. and yet you stayed the course and you still got into this top college.

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Why do you think that you didn't,

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fall victim to what so many would, what they would allow what was happening

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at home to drag them down at school?

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Yeah, so I've been contemplating that question a ton.

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And I try to use humble curiosity to constantly be asking and understanding

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things. And the answer is twofold.

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The first one is I had an awesome teacher named Mrs.

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Pryor, who I've actually since emailed and thanked because there's this thing

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called the Teddy story that you can probably look up online line and it's anonymous,

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but it's a story that touches my heart at the deepest level.

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And it's about this young boy named Teddy, who the teacher thinks is a trouble

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child, when in reality, his mother has cancer.

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And the story just is so heartwarming and unbelievable.

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So the right teacher at the right time, the right mentor at the right time,

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someone who believes in you at the right time can change everything,

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which I live by now at Next Level University.

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We try to believe in people at the right time.

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And so I was believed in by a woman named Christine Pryor. I've actually emailed

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her and I sent her the Teddy story.

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This was actually last week, believe it or not. And I said, thank you so much

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for being there during a time that was my darkest, being a light for me in my darkest time.

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And I was tearing up while writing this email and she actually said she was

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tearing up responding to it. And I'm going to go visit her at some point soon.

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But the first answer is, how did I stay and persevere? I would say having someone who believed in me.

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And she actually brought me to the math meets at WPI.

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So she picked us all up and we did a field trip and WPI holds these mathematic

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competitions every year.

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And so she really helped not just pour into my dream and say,

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you can do it, but actually brought me there.

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And my mom always believed in me as well. So that's there as well.

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That said, I think the the thing that made the difference because I've contemplated this a lot.

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There's something called an ACE score. It's called the diverse childhood experiences.

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And they've done tons and tons of research and studies on this idea of ACE.

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And the idea is the higher your ACE score, the more likely you are headed towards

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early mortality, statistically speaking.

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And after 26, I think I I really broke the paradigm of that.

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And I look now at how can two siblings grow up in the same challenging environment

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and have completely different outcomes?

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You know, what makes the difference? I've been asking myself that question my

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whole life in some ways, my whole adult life anyways.

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Yeah. And the answer that I've come to now, and I just surpassed,

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so I'm coming up on my 10,000 hours of coaching, podcasting,

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speaking, training, and all different walks of life. My youngest client is 18. My oldest is 63.

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I have 23 people on my roster right now, but many have come and gone over the years.

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And I've been coaching for a little over seven years now and all different walks

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of life, all different countries, all different backgrounds,

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all different ethnicities and sexes.

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And what you come to realize is that the number one, most important indicator

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of future success for anyone.

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Is self-belief. And what's weird about it is the people who have high self-belief

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don't actually talk that much about it because they don't know that they have it.

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So, I now understand that it was weird for me to say, okay, I'm going to be

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a lawyer, politician, or president, or I'm going to be an engineer,

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MBA, and then Fortune 50 or Fortune 500 CEO of a tech company.

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But here's the thing, I wasn't just saying it. A lot of kids say,

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I want to be an astronaut, or I want to be a police officer or I want to be an XYZ.

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I actually calculated it. I remember actually sitting down. Now,

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this is scary for me to share, but I remember actually sitting down contemplating

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this conversation in my head.

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Okay, well, I am an American male who was born into adversity,

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who was blessed with a big brain, who is fairly charismatic and can communicate well.

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And if I work really hard as becoming a lawyer and a politician,

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I could do a good job at it. and I think one day I could be president.

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That is something that I actually calculated.

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And I do believe I actually could. Now, I know how nuts that sounds,

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but I decided not to, which also sounds nuts, right?

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So I decided to do the engineer road. And I think, you know,

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I'm good at math. I love science, blah, blah, blah.

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But I wasn't just aiming aimlessly. I was calculating things.

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And so some people get their belief from faith.

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Some people get their belief from self-concept. Some people get their belief

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from their quantum abilities, which is just their natural talents.

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It's not probably that hard for LeBron James to believe in himself in basketball.

::

And that's okay. For me, what I find really fascinating is that the people who

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have ridiculously high self-belief actually don't know that they do.

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And by the way, the people who claim to have high self-belief actually don't.

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Their over-correcting from deep insecurity and lack of self-belief.

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And that has been wildly fascinating for me to study as a scientist.

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And when I say as a scientist, that's me kind of self-proclaiming,

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but I'm studying people every single day in my coaching.

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And what I've found fascinating is people who believe in themselves a lot actually

::

don't know that other people don't have that because everyone around them is

::

faking it. They're mirroring them.

::

So people around me, my whole life have been mirroring my self-belief.

::

They either think I'm full of it or they mirror it. And so I,

::

or they puff up and pretend.

::

I grew up thinking everyone had tons of self-belief and then you become older

::

and older and older and hopefully wiser.

::

And you look around and go, oh, so I really was the only one who ended up doing

::

these things that I said I would do.

::

And then people come up to you and I'm sure you've gotten this as well of,

::

oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, you did it. You did it.

::

And I'm sitting there going, one. Yeah.

::

Said I was going to do this. I didn't say I'm going to start a podcast and then go to the beach.

::

I just intended on it. And so Kevin, my business partner, my other Kevin,

::

he has really illuminated for me that what makes the biggest difference is self-belief

::

because he's someone who struggled with self-belief because he had a lot of self-doubt.

::

And that's helped me understand that I have this self-belief thing that I don't

::

know if it's my math brain calculating it.

::

I I think there's truth to both of those things, which I never used to share because I was a coward.

::

But the truth of the matter is, is everything has always come fairly easy to me.

::

And I feel like I can get good at stuff fairly easily.

::

And one thing that comes with that, unfortunately, though, is one thing that's

::

never been easy for me, which is fitting in, has never felt easy for me.

::

Being liked has never felt easy for me. As a matter of fact, that feels impossible.

::

Some of your listeners right now are probably having a hard time not villainizing me.

::

I've never felt easily likable. And so fortunately, I have this business partner,

::

Kevin Palmieri, who is on the

::

other side of the spectrum where he had self-doubt and I had self-belief.

::

But he was relatable and likable and I was villainized.

::

And so we kind of figured out through each other that the most important thing

::

in the world is self-belief.

::

But unfortunately, people who actually have high self-belief and aren't faking

::

it usually have low self-worth because they're often bullied energetically.

::

And they're usually these sort of tortured behind the scenes.

::

I do hard work, but then when I'm in public, no one gets me type of thing because

::

statistically speaking, most people don't believe in themselves.

::

That's why most people don't have goals.

::

That's why statistically speaking, everyone has new year's resolutions,

::

but very few people actually follow through on those.

::

And it's this weird thing where no one knows that you have something they don't,

::

but unconsciously they do. So they mirror it.

::

So you kind of just go around with this massive blind spot your whole life and

::

wonder why you don't fit in. Yeah.

::

I know that you obviously didn't get to know your dad,

::

but I'm curious, based on maybe things that your mom told you,

::

I'm wondering this personality that you have, this drive that you have,

::

this way of going much deeper than most people's brains will allow.

::

Do you know if either your parents, you feel like you got it from either of

::

them, or is this something unique to you? you.

::

It's so interesting. I, I do know that my father, my birth father was very confident.

::

And, and as a matter of fact, he was overconfident, which is,

::

I think in some ways, and I never used to share this, but I think that's in

::

some ways what he was reckless.

::

I would say he he's, he was reckless. I'll leave it there.

::

And that's been hard to face by the way. I didn't face that until my thirties,

::

but I would say he was overconfident. Yeah.

::

And, and some of his choices were reckless listen and arrogant.

::

And that's a whole nother level of self-reflection of, you know,

::

no one's perfect, but if you want to depedestal your own, your own caregivers,

::

that's, that's a whole process.

::

But I do know he was intelligent. I do know that he was very confident.

::

I know he was extremely charismatic and I'm talking, my mom would say they had

::

to shut down the town when he passed away because everybody,

::

everybody loved John, everybody bought from John. So John was in sales.

::

And I ended up in sales too. What a, what a total shocker. And I remember I

::

was like, I'm going to be an engineer.

::

And one of my best friends, fathers, he was definitely a father figure to me

::

in some ways used to say, you're going to end up in sales.

::

And I was like, no, no, no, I'm going to be an engineer. I'm going to be an engineer.

::

And he's like, no, you're going to end up in sales. And he's like,

::

Alan, that's where all the money is anyway. And I said, I'm an engineer.

::

I'm going to be an engineer. And, and, and I ended up in sales.

::

So, but I was a a sales engineer. So I was half right. You know what I'm saying?

::

But anyway, so, so at the end of the day, I know I got a lot of that from him,

::

but I do think, and this is something that I never used to share either.

::

Cause I quite frankly just didn't have the courage, but I read a book once called

::

the hidden habits of genius.

::

And it's by a Yale professor who spent 30 years studying and researching the

::

geniuses of history, which by the way, many of the geniuses of history are just awful human beings.

::

Okay. So if you ever pick up this book, it's called the hidden habits of genius.

::

And he opens the book with this sort of soliloquy, for lack of a better phrasing,

::

of, listen, only a non-genius could write this book because geniuses don't know

::

they're geniuses. They're just too busy doing genius stuff.

::

And again, that's my shorter version of it, obviously.

::

And I remember when I read that, I was like, interesting. And so I kept reading.

::

And the whole book is predicated on him studying the commonalities of all geniuses.

::

And there's a whole different bunch of different types of geniuses.

::

There's the Mozart's and there's the Einstein's and the Steve Jobs and all that.

::

But at the end of the day, there are 14 common character traits that he uncovers

::

for all geniuses of all history.

::

And when I saw that list, I freaked out.

::

And the reason I freaked out is because you know deep down what you are and

::

you don't fit in and you never have and you kind of never will and you know

::

it and people like you, but only when you're kind of not fully you.

::

It's this weird thing where everything feels like fairly easy for you.

::

You feel super confident in your abilities where everyone else thinks you're delusional.

::

And but yet you you don't fit in at all. And the part of my story I haven't

::

shared yet is I had a drinking problem.

::

And one of the reasons why is because it just dialed down my future orientation.

::

It dialed down my science, technology, engineering, mathematics,

::

business, and finance brain.

::

And so I, after reading that book, had this sort of mid-re-quarter life crisis, so to speak.

::

And I realized that I had all 14 of those character traits at like a level 12

::

out of 10. And so again, am I a self-proclaimed genius?

::

No, that's not what I'm saying. What I am saying is that I exiled the part of

::

me that is most authentic.

::

When I'm alone behind the scenes, that is who I am. I don't hang out.

::

I never have. I watch movies. I like movies. I love food.

::

I'm lazy at times, but honestly, not usually. And so it's interesting because

::

what's scary for me is social.

::

So Kevin and I, we kind of figured this out. If we're going to go give a speech

::

in front of a thousand people, we speak together.

::

He's afraid he's not going to add value. And I'm not concerned about that whatsoever.

::

I know this is going to add value. you. I'm going to get you to think differently.

::

I'm going to get you to contemplate things you never have. I'm going to get

::

you to understand things you never would have understood had I not been there.

::

And even just saying that, I'll get villainized for.

::

But here's the thing. He's certain everyone's going to like him.

::

I am not at all. If you said, Alan, you have to give a speech in front of a

::

thousand people and everyone there has to understand more and get value.

::

I would say 10 out of 10. Let's rock and roll. I'm in. I'm your guy.

::

There's no one who can do that better.

::

But if you said, Alan, everyone there needs to like you, I would say that is literally impossible.

::

And you can see it in my energy. You can hear it in my tone.

::

I'm telling you right now that is impossible.

::

Now, here's the thing. I want to change the world. I want to help people.

::

I want to bring self-improvement to their lives.

::

I'm here right now to do that. But it turns out people need to like me to learn

::

from me. And I'm not a likable guy. eye.

::

And so it's this weird duality where everyone who meets me kind of knows I'm

::

not like them, but they don't know why. It's unconscious.

::

And I trigger them. And I think what it is at an unconscious level,

::

and I never used to understand this, is that people that are really,

::

really, really, really, really smart, they trigger people because most people

::

are insecure about their intelligence.

::

For me, I'm not insecure about my intelligence. I say dumb stuff all the time.

::

I ask dumb questions, but truth be told, I know I'm not dumb and other people

::

are usually the opposite.

::

So most people are pretending to

::

be smarter than they are. I'm actually pretending to be dumber than I am.

::

And why? Because we all want to belong. Yes.

::

And so behind the scenes, it's safe for me to be my computer engineering,

::

freaky, deaky Dutch genius, but in front of people, it's not.

::

But then it's this weird thing where that's also your greatest strength.

::

So your Your greatest strength comes with this massive fear,

::

this massive weakness. So for me, my pain was social.

::

Why am I the only one with dreams? Why am I the only one who believes in himself?

::

Why does everyone think I'm so arrogant? Why does everyone think I'm delusional?

::

And the cool part about this is if you actually do stick with it,

::

people think you're less arrogant and less delusional as you actually start

::

to achieve these things that you said you were going to achieve.

::

So eventually it's like, oh, I've gotten the text of, hey, don't look too far

::

into this, bro. But I'm sorry for being such a dick back in the day.

::

It's like, thank you so much. You believe in me now. I didn't need it now.

::

I need it then. And, you know, so at the end of the day, we all have two pains.

::

And this will be my last thing I'll say about this point.

::

Your pain is either social or it's competence.

::

So there's social pain and then there's competence pain.

::

Competence pain is more common. It's I don't know if I'm going to get the job.

::

I don't know if I'm going to be able to pass the test.

::

I don't know if I'm going to be able to be on that sports team.

::

I don't know if I can do it.

::

I don't know if I'm smart enough, good enough, good looking enough,

::

whatever. Okay, that I don't have.

::

And everyone listening who does have that kind of knows intuitively I don't.

::

The other one is the social pain.

::

And I'm talking this one.

::

If you do have really high belief and you are extraordinary and you know it,

::

you have this one in spades. People lash out at you and you have no idea why.

::

Nobody likes you and you don't know why. you've always felt villainized for

::

what seems like no reason.

::

You always feel like you're bullied and people make rude comments.

::

They rib you for no reason. They talk behind your back.

::

And I'm sitting here going, I'm trying to help kids. If you were going to hate

::

me, why didn't you hate me when I was drinking and being an idiot?

::

Now I have a charity for underprivileged kids and you're still asking on me, right?

::

So at the end of the day, you just have to own who you are.

::

And the people who are on my end are afraid of success because when you're more

::

successful, you're less relatable and more villainized.

::

The people on the other end are afraid of failure because they are afraid they're not good enough.

::

And the irony of all of this I've come to realize is face the fear,

::

false expectations appearing real.

::

I am so afraid to be villainized. I have to face that fear inside of me.

::

And I have to say, it's okay if you don't like me.

::

It's okay. And I have to face my social fears and I have to have social courage.

::

But I don't need more competence, courage.

::

I applied to the jobs. I do the whatever.

::

It's all good. Resume, LinkedIn, cover letter, rock and roll,

::

spreadsheets, habits, consistency, discipline, got it. That's no problem for me.

::

So all the advice that's being given in the self-improvement space wasn't for me.

::

Because statistically speaking, people who don't struggle with self-belief...

::

Aren't common. So there's no market for it. And so we live in this world where

::

some people think you're delusional. Like everyone thinks Elon's delusional.

::

He actually isn't though. He did most of it.

::

Now there are certain things about him that are delusional and please don't

::

associate me with Elon Musk because I do not necessarily think that he's a good

::

person and I'm not saying he's bad or good. Just please don't associate me with him whatsoever.

::

Okay. But my point is, is that he's definitely misunderstood and,

::

and understandably misunderstood by the way.

::

But the point i'm making is you are on one end or the other you are either afraid

::

to not be good enough Or you're afraid to be too much And if you're afraid to

::

not be good enough, you're pretending to be more than you are and that needs to stop.

::

And you need to own who you are And ironically, you'll actually be good enough

::

and then on my end you're afraid you're too much.

::

So you have to own The part of you that's too much and still have the courage

::

to sit in that And be that because that's the light and the guide that people

::

need And ironically, the fears self-perpetuate if you let them drive.

::

If you're afraid you're not smart enough, you're going to avoid asking a dumb

::

question and then you're not going to be smart enough.

::

If you're afraid you're too much for people, you're going to dial down constantly

::

and therefore eventually they're going to find out you're too much and it's

::

going to ruin your relationships, which is going to what? Make it better or worse.

::

And so we all have to face the deepest fear inside of us. I used to think fear

::

was something external.

::

I don't agree with that anymore. I think it's something inside that you have

::

to look at. You're either afraid you're too smart or you're afraid you're not.

::

And either way, you got to face that demon down and you got to you got to overcome

::

it by accepting who you really are.

::

And then you either make up for your lack of giftedness with humility and work

::

ethic or you face the fact that you are gifted and then go serve the world with those gifts. Wow.

::

So I'm going to say something and you can take it however you want is. Yeah.

::

I'm wondering what it says about me and the fact that I think I like you.

::

I mean, granted, I mean, I just know you from outside world.

::

I'm not in your world, but I'm like, I mean, I don't know. I like the guy.

::

Maybe there's something wrong with me. But, you know, I appreciate that.

::

I think my my scientist brain turns on and goes, why is that?

::

Yeah. Number one, I do think I've healed a lot of my stuff.

::

So I'm being villainized less than I used to because I think the old me used

::

to pretend to not be smart and then turn on smarts randomly.

::

And so it was this weird wonky thing.

::

So I'm more vulnerable and honest now. And I've worked on my trauma.

::

So I think that's part of it. I don't trigger people as much as I used to.

::

I think that's part of it. And then the other piece of it is you probably believe in yourself a lot.

::

People with high self-belief, I don't trigger.

::

Because they get it. They're like, yeah, I wish more people were like this. Well, of course you do.

::

And by the way, they're not. And that's okay.

::

And that's okay. But you have to be that, which ironically, you're probably scared to be.

::

And so I would tell you, you have

::

sneaky self-belief. You have a lot more self-belief than people realize.

::

That's why you're doing this podcast right now. I mean, how many people have

::

thought about chasing a dream and not done it?

::

I mean, what's the real reason underneath it? I always say this.

::

I say, why would someone, you ever meet those guys, Kev, where,

::

Kev, as if we're buddies. We are buddies. Kev, my man Kev.

::

All right. So you ever meet those guys who act so confident?

::

Like the, I call them the puffer fish.

::

They just walk around like, oh yeah, I'm the man.

::

Right? And I ask this question, why would someone with level 10 self-belief,

::

have level two goals. It's not real. It's actually an overcorrection from the

::

deep insecurity of feeling not enough.

::

And so the people who actually feel enough don't have to flaunt it. Yes.

::

So that's why you don't dislike me.

::

That's my thesis. I'm sticking to it. And see, this is what's the difference

::

between you and me, because the only thing I could come up with,

::

I'm like, well, his business partner is named Kevin. It must be something to do with the name Kevin.

::

Well, I think through association, you know, I must be a good dude because Kevin's a good dude.

::

And so people like me because I'm associated with Kevin. They're like,

::

well, if Kev can put up with him, maybe I can too, you know?

::

Yeah. Oh my gosh. I love it.

::

So back on kind of lined with this story that you were sharing earlier,

::

and you talked about the car accident that you were in.

::

And I mean, let's face it, the irony of the closeness and age to that of your

::

dad when he was in this car accident is very crazy.

::

But what I wonder about it is why do you think.

::

That was such a pivotal moment.

::

Why do you think that it wasn't just a car accident and you go on with life?

::

Why do you think it made such a big difference?

::

Well, I've been asking myself that a lot, too, over the last nine years because

::

this happened nine years ago.

::

And I've always been a bit of an existentialist. And for those of you who don't

::

know what an existentialist means, it means what is the point?

::

Existence. Existentialism means what is the point? What is the purpose?

::

Why are we here? And what does it all mean?

::

And there's a book called A Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl.

::

And for the women listening, please do not be turned off by the title because

::

it's a wonderful, he means mankind, not just men.

::

And so Viktor Frankl is a genius. And Viktor Frankl was in concentration camps during World War II.

::

And he reflects on his experience in the worst circumstances you can possibly imagine.

::

And for me, it's my perspective reset. Every time I think I'm having a hard

::

day, Kev, I say, Alan, you've got running water, you've got a roof over your

::

head, you've got nice clothing.

::

Like, come on, man, you're fine. You have a 30-second commute.

::

Oh, I can't believe I have to do this podcast, right?

::

It's like, Alan, come on. Come on, man. So it's my perspective reset.

::

And it brings me back down to earth when things are going good or bad.

::

And the point of that is I've always been a bit of an existentialist.

::

And so when things happen to me, I don't just let them ride.

::

Oh, well, car accidents happen. I mean, I do my research.

::

Back when I did get in my car accident, this was back in 2015.

::

The average, I believe I looked this up at the time, it was 43,000 motor vehicle deaths in the US.

::

And I think at the time we had like 300 million people. I think it's 338 now.

::

I'm a big numbers guy, by the way. So I've done my research,

::

but at the end of the day, I can't move forward. And I think this might be unique to me. I'm not sure.

::

I can't move forward until I understand what happened there.

::

Why did that happen? And I remember this really silly quote that I read way, way, way back.

::

And it said, the person who understands how will always have a job.

::

The person who understands why will always be their boss.

::

Now, what I mean by that, because I hate the word boss, I like leader, being a leader.

::

You'll never hear me use manager or boss. You'll never hear employee.

::

We have 21 team members, but I'm not their boss.

::

I am a leader. But anyways, so that quote, I do believe is valid though.

::

Meaning, you have to know how things work and why they work.

::

And for me, there's three main categories that I'm trying to understand.

::

And, and I, again, I do think this is kind of weird, but I remember in my early

::

twenties, I decided I wanted to be as intelligent as I possibly could.

::

Meaning I wanted to understand more about the world than anyone ever had.

::

And I know that's really weird, but whatever. That was my honest conversation myself.

::

Now there's three categories. Number one is yourself, self-awareness.

::

You need to understand how you work and why you work that way.

::

You've got to study the self.

::

Now, in the analogy of the GPS, that's the current location.

::

So your GPS needs three things. It needs destination address,

::

accurate destination address, aka a goal.

::

It needs current location, accurate current location, aka self-awareness.

::

And it needs updated data about the terrain and the roads and the lakes and

::

the mountains and whatever else. If you're off on any of those three things,

::

the GPS is going to drive you right into a lake.

::

And so I think that's what life is, right? We set these goals,

::

but they're inaccurate goals based on who we really are. Why?

::

Because we're inaccurate about who we really are.

::

Because we're drowning in all this misinformation of feedback,

::

people bullying us, our upbringings were tough.

::

We're told we're dumb when we're smart. We're told we're smart when we're dumb.

::

It's this whole massive misinformation, inaccurate self-perception.

::

And then you don't know how the world works. You don't know how the economy works.

::

You don't know how business works. You don't have the skills.

::

So you're driving into mountains or into lakes because you have the inaccurate data.

::

I don't know if anyone listening is my age or older, but we used to have something called a Garmin.

::

And the Garmin was a GPS before Google Maps, before Waze, before Apple Maps.

::

And it was garbage. It was absolute garbage.

::

And this thing will drive you into a lake, right? And it needs to update the data.

::

And so my coaching is really just how do we update the data?

::

Even this podcast right now, there's three buckets of understanding.

::

Number one is yourself, how you work and why you work that way.

::

Number two is other people, human beings, how they work and why they work that

::

way. And then number three is the world, how it works and why it works.

::

Why it works that way. I had this one client one time, her name's Bianca.

::

She doesn't mind me sharing this. She said, Alan, I just don't think I'm self-aware enough.

::

I said, you've got to stop. You're one of the most self-aware people I've ever

::

met. You're a clinician.

::

You self-reflect every single day. You have a coach who's constantly telling

::

you and giving you feedback about your blind spots.

::

You are one of the most self-aware people I've ever met. You want to know the

::

truth? You just don't know how business works. You're trying to build a business

::

and you don't know how to build a business.

::

You don't know how science, technology, engineering mathematics business

::

and finance works you don't need more self-awareness i

::

mean you do because you always do but you know what i'm saying what you

::

if what you wanted was what you needed you'd already have

::

it remember that if what you wanted was what you needed you'd already have it

::

so here i am over here studying the goddamn economy again in my 20s and here

::

she is studying self and she needs to go learn the economy and i need to self-reflect

::

and so we're We're all righty or lefty,

::

but we need to work on the opposite arm and we need to be ambidextrous.

::

And so the longest winded answer ever to your original question is I'm an existentialist

::

who needed to understand.

::

I playfully joke with my partner, Emilia. I say, I don't want to know. I effing need to know.

::

And that's that's my life is to learn as much as humanly possible. Yeah, absolutely.

::

Oh, my God. And so my next question is,

::

is if the car accident was a massive pivot point in life and you set off on this, this direction,

::

what is the, the pivot point though, that actually makes the turn to get you

::

to where you are today? Yeah.

::

Yeah. So the pivot point post car accident, I think the one thing I would point

::

to more than anything is getting my health and fitness in order.

::

I tell this story. I wrote a blog about this once. It was 2014, I think.

::

No. Whenever the Superman movie came out with Henry Cable, I don't remember

::

when, but there's this shirtless scene where he gets out of this lake and he's

::

jacked. And I was not taking my fitness seriously.

::

I was drinking too much and too often. I just was letting myself down,

::

letting myself down, letting myself down, letting myself down and stuck in the shame of all that.

::

And I remember when that scene happened, I saw his physique and I was just, whoa.

::

And I said, I got to go to the bathroom. I had a Mountain Dew and Captain Morgan

::

and I was drinking at the time and it was after dinner.

::

I was with a friend and I said, I got to go to the bathroom.

::

I didn't have to go to the bathroom.

::

I just looked in the mirror and I just ended up weeping, crying.

::

I just looked at my frail, let myself down physique and I just started weeping.

::

And after that, I started to dial in fitness. I started to try to go to the

::

gym and it took a while and post-car accident, same deal.

::

I started really getting my fitness going and so much in fact,

::

that I ended up being a fitness coach, fitness competitor, fitness model.

::

I've done 41 photo shoots.

::

So if you Google my name, there will be some pictures of me in my skivvies, nothing nude.

::

It's underwear, some underwear stuff.

::

But at the end of the day, it's interesting. Engineer turned fitness model.

::

It's a weird life, but not an often combination. You know what I mean?

::

But the point that I'm making is, is the thing that got me here,

::

I think more than anything was finally dialing in my health and fitness.

::

Cause I was this tall, lanky, ectomorphic prepubescent high schooler.

::

My sister was older and she was a senior when I was a freshman and I was just, I hadn't hit puberty.

::

I still kind of haven't. So imagine me back then. Right.

::

And so I just was so jealous of all these guys who could dunk in high school

::

and they all looked like men with beards. And my sister's friends used to give

::

me pity dances and she was the most popular girl in the high school for the

::

most part. And I, I just remember feeling so insignificant.

::

And so when I finally started getting my fitness going, everything else changed

::

for me. I started feeling stronger.

::

I started feeling better about myself. And more importantly,

::

underneath all this to answer your original question is self-worth. Thank you.

::

I believe now that those are the two things that matter most.

::

I know you and I have talked about this in our group coaching program.

::

The self-belief is critical. And I always felt like I had self-belief,

::

but I never felt like I had self-worth.

::

Self-belief is I can build the castle. Self-worth is I deserve to live here

::

and I'm going to honor and respect the castle and I'm going to set boundaries

::

and I'm going to take care of it and I'm going to clean it and I'm I'm going

::

to renovate it versus I'm going to invite my friends to spill beer on the carpets

::

and treat me like trash and that kind of thing.

::

And so for those of you who have had adverse childhood experiences,

::

back to the ACE score, ACE, your

::

self-worth is most likely lower than it should be. Mine certainly was.

::

And so as I got older and wiser and I worked harder and harder and harder on

::

building my castle, so to speak, self-improvement versus just achievement,

::

I started to really build self-esteem and self-worth.

::

And fortunately, that's what's really made the biggest difference for me.

::

And again, if what you were already good at was what you needed to work on,

::

we would all be well-rounded.

::

And so a lot of us are not holistic and not well-rounded because we want to

::

just double down on what's already easy for us.

::

When in reality, what we have to do is look at, usually our strengths are in

::

the opposite direction of whatever our deepest pain is. And if you can turn

::

around and look at that pain.

::

So for me, feeling insignificant, feeling like my stepdad never wanted kids,

::

losing my dad, not having male role models, being a prepubescent,

::

insignificant young man who was playing the long game, but was overseen by all the girls.

::

All that stuff drove me. And then I eventually got all these results and realized

::

it wasn't fulfilling because that wasn't the answer.

::

What was the real problem was self-worth, which is building the self.

::

And so building the self is how you build self-worth. Invest in yourself.

::

Keep the small promises you make to yourself. Set and honor clear boundaries.

::

Have the courage to stick up to bullies. Stand up for yourself. Stick up for yourself.

::

And then the last one is make sure you don't do, Kevin calls this,

::

don't compare apples to apple pie.

::

And what he means by that is don't compare your podcast that's brand new to

::

ours that we've been doing for seven years, because that's a good way to feel

::

terrible about where you are. Wow.

::

You have such wisdom. You know, it's really incredible for somebody to have

::

gained the amount of insight on life that you have.

::

It's honestly, it's really, really amazing.

::

Thank you. Seriously. Thank you. I really appreciate it. That is hard for me

::

to receive because like I said, the self-worth challenges, but I really,

::

I really do appreciate it. It's definitely been hard earned.

::

I have not, uh, I've not been hanging out eating Cheetos. You know what I'm saying?

::

Only on the weekends, Kevin. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, exactly. Exactly.

::

So I want to shift gears a little bit and I want to ask you to talk about two

::

relationships, the one with your business partner, Kevin Palmieri,

::

and the other with, is it your wife, Amelia, or partner?

::

So I always say future wife. I actually said that recently.

::

And someone said, oh, congratulations.

::

I was like, oh, well, we talk about it all the time because we're very future oriented.

::

She's an entrepreneur as well. She's extremely future oriented, visionary.

::

And we intend on being together forever. And so I say future wife,

::

but we're not engaged yet.

::

You know, so girlfriend, future wife.

::

I love it. I love it. So what I want to ask you about these these two relationships is,

::

you know, when you talked about your childhood and it's would make me think

::

that relationships could be hard because people leave.

::

I'm wondering, though, these two relationships, because of the massive impact

::

they are on your day-to-day life, I would love for you just to share a little bit about this.

::

Yeah, the two biggest positive impact people in my life are Kevin and Emilia.

::

And the truth is, I wouldn't have met Emilia. I don't believe I would have met

::

Emilia without Kevin. And so he helped me a lot.

::

We talk often about how we playfully joke.

::

He's like, I wouldn't have been successful without you. And I say,

::

I probably wouldn't have been well-rounded without you.

::

So we definitely helped each other tremendously.

::

He's helped me become a better man for sure. And if I hadn't become a better

::

man, I would never have met my beautiful girlfriend, Emilia.

::

She is the most magnificent human being I've ever met. She's the greatest gift of my life.

::

I always say the best decision I ever made was going to WPI.

::

The second best decision I ever made was leaving my ex. And the best decision

::

I ever made was DMing Emilia Smith.

::

So without those three, I would be in a very different spot.

::

Playfulness aside, Kev and Emilia have definitely, and again,

::

I didn't know that I had this sort of unlovable little genius part of me.

::

And for those of you out there who have ever heard of internal family systems,

::

it's a modality of therapy where we have different parts and we all have an

::

exile and it's usually our deepest fear, the part of us that we have shame around.

::

But I had no idea that I had these abandonment issues until I started doing therapy in my thirties.

::

I think I had an inkling and I've always been working on it,

::

but unconsciously it was, it wasn't until 30 that I started really working on this consciously.

::

And the truth of the matter is, is relationships never felt easy for me.

::

I always felt like success came very easy.

::

Numbers always felt easy. You know, I was the obnoxious guy who could party

::

all night, not go to class and then ace all the calculus tests.

::

I remember one, one friend of mine in high school, she used to say,

::

it takes me 10 hours to study. I teach it to you in 10 minutes and then you beat me on the test.

::

I was like, thank you so much for your efforts. We appreciate you so much.

::

But anyways, so that stuff, achievement always felt fairly easy for me.

::

And again, it's never easy, but it felt fairly easy. The hard part was always social.

::

Like I mentioned, relationships were always hard.

::

I didn't understand vulnerability. I didn't understand courage.

::

I didn't understand humility, what it really meant, what it looked like in a

::

relationship. I didn't understand how to communicate effectively.

::

I didn't understand core values and love languages.

::

And now we have a podcast, Emilia and I, called The Conscious Couples Podcast.

::

And now we've been coaching intimate relationship couples for coming up on four

::

years now, which is wild.

::

Because truth be told, I'm learning more than anyone else is,

::

which is great. It's more her genius zone than it is mine.

::

I'm the business guy. But Kevin and Emilia have given me the certainty and the

::

unconditional love that I think

::

I need or needed to to grow into the man that I think I'm meant to be.

::

And I do believe that having people around you that want you to be you,

::

regardless of themselves.

::

Is absolutely critical. And the truth of the matter is that's actually rare.

::

And I can break down some of the psychology quickly about that,

::

which is there's four sort of types of relationships.

::

We all are born as dependent.

::

We're dependent on our caregiver, our mom or our dad or our grandma or grandpa or whatever.

::

And so we're all born naked, scared and ignorant and dependent on a caregiver.

::

And then we grow up and we're a teenager and we're independent and I don't need

::

you anymore. I am my own man or my own woman or my own whatever.

::

And then we go out and we get humbled quick.

::

And then we come crawling back to mommy or daddy or whoever,

::

because we were arrogant teenagers who made some seriously bad decisions.

::

And maybe I'm just talking about myself, a friend of mine, right?

::

A friend of mine made some bad choices, quote unquote. It wasn't me.

::

It was a friend of mine. No, it was me for sure.

::

And so you are dependent and then you're independent. And then eventually after

::

you get smacked down by life, inevitably you become codependent.

::

And codependent is not a good place.

::

Codependent is I need you rather than I want you.

::

Codependent is I need you to stay with me and you hold on too tightly.

::

There's that hold on loosely, but don't let go.

::

That is the fourth step that most people don't get to.

::

And it took me years and years and years and years to realize this.

::

But interdependent is I don't need you and you don't need me,

::

but we're better together.

::

And so at NLU, I say better together, hashtag better together all the time.

::

But the truth is, I don't need Kevin and he doesn't need me.

::

Now, if that's true, I need oxygen. Oxygen goes away and I'm screwed.

::

So I need oxygen. I don't need Kevin. I want Kevin.

::

Unconditional love is not needy. Unconditional love is we are two independent

::

human beings who are interdependent,

::

Because we're better off together than we are apart. The whole is greater than

::

the sum of its parts. And so it took me so many years to figure that out.

::

But a lot of us have codependent relationships with our caregivers or with our

::

kids. And I don't have kids, so I'm not speaking about that.

::

But our friends, our intimate partners, and it creates this,

::

you have to be who I need you to be instead of you get to be and evolve and

::

grow into who you're meant to be.

::

And fortunately, Emilia and Kev have been that for me, where they have evolved

::

along the way to a point where they aren't trying to get me to be anything other than who I really am.

::

And they want to help my phoenix burn down and regrow from those ashes every

::

day, every week, every month, every quarter, every year, and every decade.

::

And so coming from a childhood where that was definitely not the case,

::

there was a lot of codependence, there was a lot of independence,

::

there was a lot of dependence, and not a lot of interdependence going on.

::

Because quite frankly, it takes a lot of emotional maturity for you to have

::

an interdependent relationship.

::

Like even right now, this podcast, you don't need me as a guest and I don't

::

need to be here, but we're both better off because we're both here. Yeah, absolutely.

::

Makes sense. Makes sense to me. I have one last question for you.

::

But before we get to that, I want you to tell everybody about what you and Kevin

::

have have built and all the ways that they can get plugged into your world.

::

Okay, so Next Level University has an interesting origin story.

::

I had a podcast called Conversations Change Lives.

::

I think people learn four ways. The three big ones that everyone knows is auditory,

::

visual, and kinesthetic.

::

The one that not a lot of people know about is talking.

::

So I learn from conversation. And I think you do as well.

::

Kevin, which is why you love podcasting. Yeah. And so we learned through conversation.

::

So I started a little podcast called Conversations Change Lives.

::

And Kevin was my first guest.

::

And he had a podcast called The Hyperconscious Podcast. Change the way you act

::

or change the way you think, change the way you act, change the way you live.

::

He's never going to forgive me for butchering that.

::

But if you look up hyperconscious in the dictionary, it means acutely aware.

::

So I was his first guest. He was my first guest. And then we teamed up and had

::

the worst podcast title of all time. Are you ready?

::

Let's hear it. The Conversations Change Lives Meets Hyperconscious Podcast.

::

Brutal. So we did that for about 20 episodes before we woke up from that nightmare.

::

And we decided to go all in on hyperconscious.

::

And then about 400 to 500 episodes later, we rebranded to what's now known as Next Level University.

::

Level up your life, love, health, and wealth. and it's holistic self-improvement

::

in your pocket from anywhere on the planet every single day, completely free.

::

And we believe in your bigger, better, brighter future.

::

And we believe in open source knowledge, which is if you're a young kid who

::

needs a guide or a role model, we're there for you every single day from anywhere

::

on the planet, completely free.

::

Now, we also have a ton of other, you mentioned plug-in, plug-in to Next Level

::

Universe or Next Level University. So the website is nextleveluniverse.com.

::

That's universe spelled just like it sounds. And then the podcast is Next Level University.

::

And we're on all the podcast platforms. I have Instagram, Facebook, LinkedIn.

::

You can look up my name. You can also email me, A-L-A-N at nextleveluniverse.com.

::

And if you do email me, please just provide context.

::

Because like all of us, I get a lot of spam email. mail and uh kev

::

so the the person who holds next level university.com egg

::

on their face because they're charging way too much money so we

::

just said you know what this is the next level universe so all all things next

::

level next level universe.com so i like it yes well i will be positive that

::

everything you just mentioned is in the show notes for anybody interested in accessing that Yeah.

::

Alan, I got one last question for you.

::

And I listened to our conversation today and I listened to your story of where

::

you've come from, where you are today, what you've built.

::

You have all this massive, massive success in your business and I would even say your life.

::

And what I, though, would love to know is when it's the end of the day and no

::

one else is around, you're just maybe laying in bed.

::

What do you think? Are you recognizing that what you've built,

::

what you've done is because of you?

::

Or do you still default to not feeling like you deserve that credit?

::

I would say if you had asked me that question before my car accident,

::

I would not have been able to honestly say that I was proud of me because I

::

wasn't. The truth is I was not maximizing my own I have a quote in the corner of my office.

::

It's written there every single day. You are here to maximize your own unique

::

potential and to help others do the same.

::

Everything else is secondary. That's my calling.

::

And it always has been. I don't know if you create a calling or if you uncover

::

it. I'm starting to think you uncover it. I've been coaching people my whole life.

::

I just started getting paid for it recently in the last seven years.

::

You know, I'm the pain in the butt that a lot of people thank later and or just

::

run away from, but which, you know, helps the abandonment issue really well.

::

So if you want people to like you, don't focus on helping them achieve their

::

goals and dreams that they're really just trying to talk about.

::

They don't actually want to do the work. But anyways, so I've smartened up over the years.

::

And the truth of the matter is I do feel now like I'm in alignment with that calling.

::

And so I can honestly say I'm fulfilled.

::

Now, if I were to not stay in alignment with that for several weeks,

::

I think we all know when we're out of alignment.

::

We all know when we're letting ourselves down. We all know when we're not living

::

our passion, our purpose, and our profit. We all know deep down.

::

And usually it's a whisper saying, Hey, Alan, you really should consider doing

::

a little better. Hey, Alan, you should go to the gym.

::

Hey, Alan, you should do this.

::

You gotta start answering those whispers and answering those calls.

::

And so we all have a journey. We all have a hero's journey.

::

And I think that the answer is to answer that call and to have the courage to

::

become who you're meant to be.

::

And only you know for you what that is.

::

And I can say now wholeheartedly that I am finally in alignment with that better

::

than I've ever been. but I doubt it will be as in alignment as I'll be able

::

to say next year and the year after that and the year after that.

::

So I'm doing all I can with all I have. And the truth is I never could have

::

said that before 26, but now I can say I'm doing all I can with all I have every day.

::

I'm not perfect, but I am getting better and I'm getting better with a lot of

::

other people that are getting better.

::

And so the compound effect of that is definitely rippling outward and the impact

::

is rippling outward and it's creating a hell of a quality of life that I'm enjoying thoroughly.

::

So thank you so much for having me. I really appreciate it, Kev. This is awesome.

::

One of my favorites, to be completely honest. I'm sure you get that all the time.

::

And I really appreciate the platform. Oh, man, you have no idea how much I've

::

enjoyed our conversation today.

::

I write back at you. Thank you for being here and for just being so open and honest and real and raw.

::

And listening is like i need to re-listen and maybe

::

take some notes a second time because it's that

::

kind of good so uh man thank you in the most sincere way possible well said

::

it's that kind of good i like that it's that kind of good yes it is for you

::

listening today i hope you feel the same that it is indeed that kind of good

::

this is kevin with great grace and inspiration,

::

enjoy the rest of your day.

::

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