In this episode, I open up about my personal journey of coping with new mom grief. Here’s what I’ll be discussing:
If you are experiencing this, my hope is that through this episode, you know that you aren't alone and things can get better.
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And so just having that shift in my thinking, not that I
Speaker:lost out on something. You know, it was, it was a
Speaker:loss. Right. We can accept that it was a loss. Because it was a life
Speaker:that I enjoyed, but just because that phase of
Speaker:life is over, does not mean that this new phase can not be something beautiful
Speaker:as well. You are now tuned in to the mom
Speaker:CEO suite podcast. I'm your host, Phylicia,
Speaker:wife, mom, and entrepreneur. In this podcast, I'll be
Speaker:sharing my mompreneur journey along with strategies that will help you
Speaker:build your online business operations in a sustainable way.
Speaker:The goal is to help you build a business that fits into your lifestyle as
Speaker:a mom who values putting family first. We will also hear the
Speaker:experiences and expertise of other moms with service
Speaker:based businesses. You'll get a peek into our journeys so you'll
Speaker:know that you aren't alone. Motherhood gets hard.
Speaker:Entrepreneurship gets hard. But together we can
Speaker:do hard things. Welcome to the suite.
Speaker:Hey friends. Welcome to another episode. Thank you so much for being here. So
Speaker:today I'm talking about something a little bit differently.
Speaker:This is not a business episode. And if you've seen the title, you see
Speaker:the word grief in there, but I want to clarify a little bit, this is
Speaker:not a trigger warning or anything. I'm not talking about grief.
Speaker:From losing a loved one. I'm not talking about death. If that's
Speaker:something you were expecting, just wanted to clear that up. That's not what I'm talking
Speaker:about today. Um, but I am talking about a different type
Speaker:of grief. So grief really shows up
Speaker:for many different reasons and in lots of different
Speaker:ways. And so before I really start getting into this, I want to just give
Speaker:my disclaimer. That I am not a professional practitioner. I
Speaker:am not providing medical or mental health advice. I am just sharing my
Speaker:experience with this particular subject. Okay.
Speaker:So when I became a mom for the first time, everything that I saw
Speaker:online about motherhood. It was either talking about how
Speaker:beautiful it was, how it was such a blessing. Or it was
Speaker:talking about just how challenging and how hard it was,
Speaker:but those things did not articulate some of the feelings
Speaker:that I was having. Right. And so
Speaker:after some time, I realized that what
Speaker:I was feeling was grief. I was grieving my
Speaker:old life prior to motherhood. So I'm just going to kind of
Speaker:give you guys my, backstory a little bit, and just the
Speaker:circumstances around how all of this kind of transpire. And
Speaker:so. Way, but not way big, but December,
Speaker:2020 I found out I was pregnant. Okay. February
Speaker:20, 21, I moved to South Carolina.
Speaker:Okay. Now. It was not my plan to get
Speaker:pregnant. And I was originally planning
Speaker:to move down to South Carolina. My dad lives down there and I've
Speaker:been wanting to go. I had been wanting to go down there for a couple
Speaker:of years. Um, and I finally said, okay,
Speaker:January 20, 21, this is it. I'm moving to the
Speaker:Carolinas. I'm starting a new life there. Let's do it. And
Speaker:then. December of 2020. I found out what I was pregnant.
Speaker:And so I had to make the decision, do I. Not
Speaker:go to the Carolinas. You know, I didn't know if I would be able to
Speaker:move down there again, after I had my daughter. So I decided to
Speaker:just. Be in the Carolinas for my pregnancy and
Speaker:give birth to my daughter down there. Now at the time, my husband and I,
Speaker:we were not married. And so, I was still
Speaker:technically single. So I was just moving, moving like a single girl,
Speaker:right. So August, 2021, I gave birth to my
Speaker:daughter. And in may of
Speaker:2022. Moved to the DMV area
Speaker:with my nail husband. And we got married in August of
Speaker:2022. Okay. So all of this kind of
Speaker:happened very quickly. I got pregnant.
Speaker:Moved to South Carolina head. My daughter moved
Speaker:again to the DMV area. And then I
Speaker:got married. Right. And so. After
Speaker:we got married, we got back from the honeymoon and then we started settling
Speaker:into everyday life. All of the excitement of all of
Speaker:the things that was happening, it started to wear off. Right.
Speaker:And I had a new normal, and I struggled to
Speaker:adjust to it. I was away from my family and I
Speaker:have a large family. I have five siblings. I'm the
Speaker:second oldest. And, um, so I was away from my family who was a big
Speaker:support system for me. And I was in a new place where I
Speaker:had no friends or connections yet just my husband
Speaker:and my kids. Those were the only people that I knew. Um, we hit not
Speaker:yet found our church home. And I was newly married and I had a
Speaker:new baby. So it was a lot happening, a lot for me
Speaker:to adjust to. All at one time.
Speaker:Okay. Now before motherhood,
Speaker:I had the freedom to go wherever and
Speaker:whenever I chose to. you know, I could just pick up and go. I didn't
Speaker:have to think about anybody else. I didn't have to consider anybody else's
Speaker:schedule. It was just me. But then
Speaker:after motherhood, I was not able to do
Speaker:those things and it made me feel Bevery restricted
Speaker:and sometimes I felt sadness and sometimes I feel
Speaker:resentment. And at first, I didn't know why I was
Speaker:feeling the way that I did, but once I realized it was grief, it made
Speaker:sense to me. And now that I identified what it
Speaker:was, I could now take steps to get better or to feel better.
Speaker:All right. So before I share what I did to kind of get out of
Speaker:that phase, um, I want to talk a little bit. Just give you
Speaker:the stages of grief and. This is something
Speaker:my old therapist shared with me a long time ago. so
Speaker:I'm just going to share it here with you guys. So first is denial,
Speaker:right? And how this. How they showed up for me. I really
Speaker:was like, this can't be life right now. This can't be
Speaker:life because it was just like a shock. Of
Speaker:how different it was. Compared
Speaker:to life before motherhood and marriage. Right? So
Speaker:I was in a little bit of denial that. And then the next
Speaker:phase is anger. And, um,
Speaker:I was angry at myself for a little bit
Speaker:for my pregnancy circumstance. You know, I kind of told you guys in the
Speaker:beginning, It wasn't a planned pregnancy and I wasn't
Speaker:married yet. And I was literally
Speaker:planning to quote unquote, start this new chapter in my life.
Speaker:I ended up starting a new chapter, but it wasn't what I had in mind
Speaker:or what I was planning for. and then I also had some
Speaker:anger. Towards my husband. Because I
Speaker:felt like he just didn't understand what I was
Speaker:going through. Right. So it was denial.
Speaker:Anger. The next phase is bargaining. I'm not really sure how
Speaker:they showed up for me, but bargaining is really like, if you do
Speaker:this, I'll do this. So basically like negotiating in some way.
Speaker:I'm not sure how that really showed up for me. The next phase is
Speaker:depression. Now for me, I don't think I was
Speaker:like fully depressed or anything, but I definitely had moments where I would
Speaker:say it sometimes. Right. and then the final phase is
Speaker:acceptance. And that's where I'm at now. That's why I
Speaker:can talk about it now. Right? Because now I'm at a, a place.
Speaker:And my life where I have peace about my life and about
Speaker:motherhood and marriage. Right? So again, those
Speaker:five stages are denial, anger,
Speaker:bargaining, depression, and acceptance. I so
Speaker:now that I'm in the acceptance phase. I absolutely. I
Speaker:love being a mom. Not that I didn't love it before. It was just so
Speaker:new and so different. And I was experiencing that grief
Speaker:that I really couldn't be as present as I am now. Um,
Speaker:and things they're not perfect, but. What I talk
Speaker:about all the time. I have harmony. Okay.
Speaker:And now I'm in a place where I can say to others. I see you,
Speaker:your feelings are valid and things. Can change
Speaker:So, what are the things that I did to kind of get into this
Speaker:acceptance phase? So number one is
Speaker:prayer. Like I've talked about my faith here before,
Speaker:but. When it came to this topic, I, you know, it was
Speaker:not something that I like prayed very heavily
Speaker:or deeply on, or I didn't, I didn't even fast about it.
Speaker:But it was just simple prayers, like give me strength.
Speaker:Help me to be the wife and mom, you call me to be, it was
Speaker:really like messages asking for help because I needed
Speaker:it. I could not kind of be in this new
Speaker:phase of my life without the support of
Speaker:God or the guidance and direction. From God. So
Speaker:prayer number one. Okay. Um, number
Speaker:two. I was therapy. And so therapy came in the
Speaker:form of marriage counseling. so the
Speaker:way that happened, my husband and I, we ended up going to a
Speaker:marriage retreat. And the facilitator.
Speaker:I think we both were kind of drawn to him, maybe for different reasons.
Speaker:And we just started going to counseling sessions with
Speaker:him. Um, and then later on, we ended up joining his
Speaker:church, but when we were just going through the marriage counseling,
Speaker:This is where I was kind of exposed to this idea. Of
Speaker:experiencing grief as a new mom, He brought this up in our
Speaker:counseling. And it really just clicked for me there.
Speaker:And I encourage you all. To go to therapy, I
Speaker:know a lot of times we can feel like we are alone. Nobody
Speaker:understands what we're going through. And I don't know if I've mentioned this
Speaker:before. I've done therapy before. Outside of marriage counseling
Speaker:just for myself. And I have said before that if I did not go to
Speaker:therapy during that past season in my life, I don't
Speaker:know if I would be here. Okay. So I would encourage you to find a
Speaker:therapist that aligns with your values. And that's
Speaker:really that you feel comfortable with. Um,
Speaker:Again, That therapist that I ended up working with, she, wasn't the
Speaker:first therapist that I went to. So make sure you find somebody that you're comfortable
Speaker:with, and really just get the support that you need in that area.
Speaker:Okay. So there was prayer. There was therapy.
Speaker:Next thing was that I communicated my feelings to my
Speaker:husband. And so. Keeping my
Speaker:feelings bottle up. It was not helpful to
Speaker:anyone. It just caused more frustration.
Speaker:And resentment. And so however
Speaker:you're feeling, you know, if you have a partner or a spouse, I would be
Speaker:fully open and transparent about the things that you are feeling,
Speaker:the things that you are going through. The things that you are
Speaker:struggling with. As a mom and usually
Speaker:men they're fixers. And they're. They're like, what can I do? And
Speaker:I didn't have an answer when my husband asked me that he asked me, what
Speaker:can I do? I said, I don't know, but I'm just telling you, because
Speaker:this is why. I'm I'm.
Speaker:Feeling or acting this way. Right. And so it just kind of helped to
Speaker:ease the tension a bit. Um, the next
Speaker:thing that I focused on was my mindset.
Speaker:Okay. I said it's super important.
Speaker:And for me. This looked like, instead of focusing
Speaker:on what I could not do anymore. I started
Speaker:focusing on the impact that I could have in the
Speaker:life of my children. And I also started
Speaker:focusing on how I could incorporate them into new
Speaker:things and create new memories. and new experiences
Speaker:with my new family. Right. And so just having that
Speaker:shift in my thinking, not that I lost out on
Speaker:something. You know, it was, it was a loss. Right. We
Speaker:can accept that it was a loss. Because it was a life that I enjoyed,
Speaker:but just because that phase of life is over, does not mean
Speaker:that this new phase can not be something beautiful as well. All right.
Speaker:So my set was, a big thing that I, I, worked on.
Speaker:Um, the next thing that I worked on. And this is going to be the
Speaker:last thing in my list is self care. Right? So
Speaker:I needed to have some time away to myself.
Speaker:I needed time away from the kids. It's very hard to kind of
Speaker:regroup. And, just replenish and be your
Speaker:best self. If you don't have time to yourself at all.
Speaker:And so even if it was for a short period of time, I needed to
Speaker:get back to doing things. That I loved or things that I,
Speaker:I enjoy doing. Right. I could not have my entire.
Speaker:Uh, existence be around the children. And
Speaker:for a short period. It was. And so I needed to
Speaker:fix that so that I could feel like I still had my
Speaker:identity outside of the children. And so, you know, I started
Speaker:getting back to some of the things I enjoyed and I loved like reading.
Speaker:And now on the weekends, Part of my
Speaker:plan is to actually be outside of the house, doing these
Speaker:things. Um, because sometimes when you're in the house, it's still
Speaker:like, The kids still want to come around.
Speaker:So now I'm moving into this phase of being outside of the
Speaker:house, getting my breaks, doing things. Going to the library,
Speaker:browsing books, getting some work done without
Speaker:interruption. Right? So just self care, whatever that looks like for
Speaker:you. And I think I talk about this.
Speaker:I talk about it somewhere. And my content that self care. is not
Speaker:always, you know, The rest or
Speaker:the. the. external things like the manicures,
Speaker:pedicures, the massages. While those things are helpful. Self care
Speaker:also looks like dealing with. Your past
Speaker:traumas that are bleeding into your current life, right? It looks like really
Speaker:being honest with yourself. About why your
Speaker:reality is the way that it is and self care really looks
Speaker:like. Addressing just internal issues and
Speaker:internal chaos that you have. And sometimes it might not feel pretty,
Speaker:but once you address those issues, then. You're
Speaker:really able to just be a better version of yourself.
Speaker:And self care is really taking care of yourself internally and
Speaker:externally. Okay. So again, just to do a quick recap,
Speaker:um, the things that I did to kind of navigate new mom
Speaker:grief was number one, prayer. Number two therapy
Speaker:in the form of marriage counseling. Uh, number three, I
Speaker:communicated my feelings to my husband. Number four
Speaker:was mindset where. And number five
Speaker:self care. And so, like I said before, now I'm in a place where I
Speaker:can say to others, I see you, your feelings are valid. Things can
Speaker:change. And again, I'm not a professional practitioner, but I just wanted to
Speaker:share my journey. Since I'm encouragement and let you know
Speaker:that you are not alone. Okay. So if you are in this
Speaker:phase of navigating new mom grief, And you just want
Speaker:another person to chat with, feel free. Send me a message over on
Speaker:Instagram slide in my DMS, the last chat. And if you
Speaker:are looking for some guidance with creating and experiencing.
Speaker:work life harmony for yourself. Then I invite you
Speaker:to sign up for the harmony private podcast all right.
Speaker:Look forward to chatting with you on Instagram and I'll see you in the next
Speaker:episode. Thank you for listening to the Mom CEO Suite
Speaker:Podcast. If you enjoyed this episode, can you do us a favor?
Speaker:Leave a review on iTunes and share with other moms in business
Speaker:like you. Help us spread our message and empower others who are
Speaker:at this intersection of motherhood and entrepreneurship.