Emotional Quotient, or EQ, serves as a pivotal measure of an individual's emotional intelligence, encompassing the ability to recognize, understand, and manage one's emotions as well as the emotions of others. Within this discourse, we delve into the identification of personal emotional triggers, elucidating the significance of self-awareness in navigating interpersonal dynamics.
Moreover, we examine the integral role of effective communication in enhancing one's EQ, positing that the capacity to articulate feelings and respond judiciously to others can significantly influence relational outcomes. As we traverse these topics, we endeavor to equip our audience with practical strategies to foster emotional intelligence, thereby promoting healthier interactions and personal growth.
Together, we explore the profound implications that emotional awareness has on both individual well-being and collective harmony in our relationships. The exploration of Emotional Quotient (EQ) reveals its profound significance in both personal and professional realms. EQ, fundamentally distinct from Intelligence Quotient (IQ), encapsulates the ability to recognize, understand, and manage one’s own emotions while also empathizing with the emotions of others. This episode delves into the intricate mechanisms that underpin emotional intelligence, commencing with an examination of what EQ truly measures.
It becomes evident that emotional intelligence is not merely an innate trait, but rather a set of skills that can be cultivated and refined throughout one’s life. The hosts emphasize the pivotal role of self-awareness as the cornerstone of EQ, advocating that individuals must first recognize their emotional triggers in order to navigate the complexities of interpersonal relationships effectively. They assert that the evolution of one’s EQ can significantly enhance professional dynamics, particularly in environments where collaboration and communication are paramount. The discourse extends to the critical intersection of communication and EQ, highlighting how adept communicators are often those who possess a high degree of emotional intelligence. Through practical insights and relatable anecdotes, the episode underscores the necessity of honing one's emotional skills to foster healthier relationships and achieve personal growth.
Takeaways:
This program is for informational, educational and entertainment purposes only.
Speaker A:The information provided in this podcast reflects the opinions and experiences of the hosts and is not medical or mental health advice.
Speaker A:Always consult a qualified healthcare professional regarding any questions about your health or well being.
Speaker A:If you are experiencing a medical or mental health emergency, contact your local emergency services.
Speaker A:So ego strength is a person that knows they have some awareness, but it's open to gain more awareness and wow, I have some awareness today of my life.
Speaker A:When we look at regulation of emotion, it's important to learn to pause to allow emotions to subside before you decide.
Speaker A:People in marriages had injury with their parents that were not resolved and then they attracted a person who would continue to the mechanism that wasn't resolved by the parent.
Speaker B:Welcome back to the Adjusting youg Life podcast.
Speaker B:I'm Kennedy and I'm here with Dr. Steve.
Speaker B:This is episode 104 understanding your emotional Quotient.
Speaker A:This episode of the Adjusting youg Life podcast is brought to you by Ward Chiropractic.
Speaker A:Dr. Steve finds what most doctors miss and his wall adjustment technique.
Speaker A:It can bring fast relief.
Speaker A:Check out chiroman.com for hours location and to contact the Clinic.
Speaker A:That's Chiroman C-H I R O M.
Speaker B:A N.com where did you first learn about EQ?
Speaker A:I learned about EQ from a really good friend of mine that I've known since I was in my senior year high school and he is a corporate coach and because I was working with many of his clients and I was able to help a couple of his clients that they were having a little challenge with, he agreed to have me take a set of tests and one of the tests was an emotional quotient test and I have always been really aware of emotions and how it's been a big part of my chiropractic career.
Speaker A:But I really never was aware that there is a metric that you can take a simple test, multiple choice test and based on your answers it will tell you what your EQ is.
Speaker A:And so he had me take the test and I found out from him that I had a really high emotional quotient.
Speaker A:His company is called XQ Innovations and his name is Joe Kashmiri.
Speaker A:And so to me having that awareness gave me even more awareness that I'm on the right track.
Speaker A:And so I'm just really thankful that I was able to take that test.
Speaker A:So it gave me a different way of looking at the awareness and knowledge that I have.
Speaker B:Most people are going to be familiar with IQ intelligence quotient versus EQ and So what would you say is the.
Speaker A:Primary difference between those two IQ we're born with?
Speaker A:It really helps us to define how we are in school.
Speaker A:It's really relative to our cognitive abilities.
Speaker A:It may help us to attract the job we want to do.
Speaker A:The difference between IQ and EQ is IQ is present from, like, very early on in your life.
Speaker A:And EQ is a set of skills that can evolve heavily throughout your life.
Speaker A:And so if I have a choice to have high IQ or high eq, I would choose EQ over IQ every time.
Speaker A:And so when people arrive at their position in life, maybe they become a doctor, lawyer, whatever that is, it's really EQ that's going to evolve them from their beginning state.
Speaker A:What that means is there may be a lot of people that have similar IQs that they're working with, but the person with EQ is going to be able to evolve much further with their career because EQ is really about skills that we can learn and evolve with when we're given awareness.
Speaker A:Our EQ can go really high.
Speaker A:And I see it every day when I work with the patients I work with.
Speaker A:I see how the EQ can change literally in less than 10 minutes.
Speaker A:So it's very powerful.
Speaker B:So when a patient comes in, do you offer this information to every patient?
Speaker B:Do you take the time to evaluate their eq?
Speaker A:Well, not every patient, because when a patient comes in, I identify their level of denial.
Speaker B:Okay.
Speaker A:And so if someone's in high denial, they maybe are unable to hear anything emotionally, and they're most likely coming to me for me to fix the problem.
Speaker A:And so I'll sit there and I'll make a choice based on their level of denial as to how much I give them.
Speaker A:Do I give them a little.
Speaker A:Usually I give them a little nugget of some sort.
Speaker A:But people with a higher level of emotional intelligence, I am really giving them a download that can impact their life that day and impact their future days of their life for the rest of their life.
Speaker A:Because emotional intelligence is just such a powerful process.
Speaker A:And as I said, when we have high emotional intelligence, we have better relationships and we're able to find joy in our life.
Speaker A:And so to me, I just love being a person that incorporates emotional intelligence into healing.
Speaker B:Would you say that EQ has to do with how someone relates to someone else in an essence?
Speaker B:Like in, like, for example, like the workplace, if it's like a manager and an employee or whatnot, is there if they have a higher eq, would that mean that they could relate to that?
Speaker A:Yes.
Speaker A:For sure.
Speaker A:EQ has various components.
Speaker A:The first and to me, one of the most important components of EQ is the level of self awareness.
Speaker A:Are you aware?
Speaker A:Are you unaware?
Speaker A:I would go through the components that make up emotional quotient, which.
Speaker A:Number one would be self awareness.
Speaker A:Number two is self regulation, how you manage your emotions.
Speaker A:Number three is motivation.
Speaker A:Are you motivated to stay stuck or are you motivated to evolve?
Speaker A:It's so important to look at motivation.
Speaker A:Interpersonal skills is the fourth part.
Speaker A:And your level of empathy is the fifth part.
Speaker A:Do you have compassion and kindness towards other people?
Speaker A:So those are the five components that make up your emotional quotient.
Speaker B:So with a patient, like on a practical basis, if they come in and they see you for an adjustment and you share this information with them, are there things that they can do, like that day starting, that would help them increase their eq?
Speaker A:Oh, absolutely.
Speaker A:I have a patient come in.
Speaker A:I, I have never met them and they sit on my table.
Speaker A:I very quickly can assess their posture, which gives you immediate information about the person.
Speaker A:Maybe not so much about the person, but about how that person was influenced, who influenced that person.
Speaker A:When you can touch the body, you can feel where someone holds stress.
Speaker A:That's going to give you information as to what their current stressors are.
Speaker A:So my job is to immediately give awareness to someone who is suffering because they're coming in and they're thinking they're coming in for an adjustment, and then the adjustment needs to help them to resolve the pain they're in.
Speaker A:But really what they're coming in is to get awareness because an adjustment is great and really effective.
Speaker A:But when given awareness, then we give them the tools that they need to shift from the current problem they're having.
Speaker A:Because if I adjust something, say a right rib, and I do not give awareness that that person is seeking outside approval from, from a female, then they're going to leave and they're going to be looking for approval from a female that maybe can't give them approval.
Speaker A:And all of a sudden their right rib is going to go right back.
Speaker B:Out and they'll be back again, and.
Speaker A:They'Ll be back again.
Speaker A:Truly, when a person comes in and realize that in my clinic so often I have so many new patients that come and I have so many other patients that come.
Speaker A:So I may have five minutes with that person and what can I do in five minutes to impact their life, to make it a memorable experience?
Speaker A:Not just, wow, that was a great adjustment.
Speaker B:Yes.
Speaker A:But what can you walk away with that gives you the ability to look at your life from a different set of eyes.
Speaker B:And what would that be?
Speaker A:Well, so many things.
Speaker A:Like for instance, when I look at eq, I look at it and say, well, what are my strengths and what are my weaknesses?
Speaker A:What are my behaviors I need to work on and what are the behaviors that I really don't need to work on?
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:So when we point something out, for instance a right shoulder problem, I would say to the person, well, look at your need for outside female approval from a dominant female that has a parental trauma and realize that how you were programmed was a program that was if you do it, do it right.
Speaker A:So your program started with this belief that when you do something right, you're going to be validated.
Speaker A:But the truth of the matter is, is the only people that are going to validate you are people who receive validation and learn to self validate.
Speaker A:And if they haven't received information and they haven't learned to self validate, then the chances are they're going to come in with a negation, oh, that's good.
Speaker A:What you've done, what you have done, but you can do better.
Speaker A:So it's so important on all the pain patterns to give people tools of awareness so they have opportunity to shift from a process that will create reoccurring problems in the same area.
Speaker B:So when a patient, when you give this awareness to a patient, do they typically know the person that might be influencing them or do you go there at the, you know, when you're working on the adjustment?
Speaker B:Is that something you end up talking about or is it just you do leave them with some thoughts about thinking about who it could be?
Speaker B:And I mean, it could be multiple people, right?
Speaker B:Like there might be a few peers at work, right?
Speaker A:Well, depending upon where the stress is held in the right shoulder, is it up high, is it down low, is it in the kidney area?
Speaker A:Up high would be more of a peer stress.
Speaker A:So you're wanting approval from say a male.
Speaker A:Say it's a female wanting approval from a male that had a dominant mother that never validated the male.
Speaker A:And now the male is setting high standards for that employee.
Speaker B:Like in the workplace.
Speaker A:Like in the workplace.
Speaker A:And no matter what that person is doing, the male can't validate because didn't receive the core validation that that person needed.
Speaker A:So it's really important to be able to give people clarity.
Speaker A:Is it a peer stress?
Speaker A:Is it a parent stress, Is it a savior stress?
Speaker A:Because all of those processes can play out when studying a pain on the right side of the body.
Speaker B:So when It's a peer stress.
Speaker B:I mean my own experiences I've had, I've gained some awareness with seeking approval from someone, you know, a manager or you know, owner, boss or whatnot.
Speaker B:And before my awareness, taking it personal, like thinking it was something that I did.
Speaker B:And I think that that's actually where a lot of people go is, you know, they do something and they have an expectation of, you know, being congratulated or given an, at a girl, at a boy.
Speaker B:And then that doesn't happen.
Speaker B:And then they, you know, have a self deprecation kind of thing happening.
Speaker B:And it's not that at all is what it sounds like you're saying.
Speaker A:Well, it depends on the curvature the person is in.
Speaker A:A lot of people when they sit down, their middle back curvature is flat, but then you have people that sit down and their mid back curvature is too far backward.
Speaker A:So the person with the flat spinal curvature, they commonly will personalize the projection of one person's inadequacy onto them.
Speaker A:Where it's a person who had backward curve, they oftentimes will deny that personalization because their pattern of behavior with a backward curve is, I can't even hear this, this level of truth.
Speaker A:I want to deny this, but a lot of people do personalize things that are never personal.
Speaker A:Because in my reality, I look at everything multi generationally and I realize how many people come to me and like men who are backward and right in curvature, which the backward curvature is heavy denial, absence of the male parent, didn't feel loved by the male parent.
Speaker A:Sometimes the male parents very abusive.
Speaker A:The right curvature is emotional meaning they're seeking approval from most likely a dominant female, older sister, mother, grandmother.
Speaker A:And so when we look at the right curvature in a male, they're not coming from their own patterns of behavior.
Speaker A:They're coming from bonding with a behavior that's not theirs, which means in truth they're asleep and what's running their life is an inherited behavior.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker A:So it's really interesting when we look at the spine and how the spine gives us so much clarity about emotional intelligence.
Speaker A:Do we have emotional intelligence?
Speaker A:Do we have high emotional intelligence?
Speaker A:Do we have a low emotional intelligence?
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:So let's talk about that pattern in males that you see.
Speaker B:Are there any other behaviors that come from that pattern?
Speaker A:Well, the biggest issue with that pattern is that male, early on in life looked for approval and validation and love from a female source.
Speaker A:If the female, say, didn't feel loved or validated by her father, maybe the female felt as if she would, if she would have been a male, she would have been loved differently by her father.
Speaker A:Then what happens is that pattern attracts a pattern.
Speaker A:And then what happens is that male wants female approval from a female that never received it and doesn't know how to give it.
Speaker A:And so when the female is critical of the male, it triggers in the male a feeling of inadequacy.
Speaker A:And that's where we see a lot of regulation.
Speaker A:And that male will react in emotion, will react in rage, will throw things, break things.
Speaker A:Of course, we see it in road rage.
Speaker A:We see it in someone who might physically beat someone to death or someone who may murder someone in a moment in time.
Speaker A:It's all based on this emotional reaction where they have.
Speaker A:They're not able to regulate when they're in that emotional issue.
Speaker B:So do you see that pattern in women?
Speaker A:Well, you can see a woman that's backward and right in a curvature.
Speaker A:And so that will happen when the woman wants outside female approval.
Speaker A:And.
Speaker A:And she feels as if no matter what she does, she's never enough for her mother.
Speaker A:And then it will trigger in that woman a feeling of inadequacy.
Speaker A:And then that's when you're most likely to see the woman operate in emotional reaction, oversensitive, maybe they'll break down crying.
Speaker A:However, the most common pattern is not the backward and right with women.
Speaker A:The most common pattern that I have seen over the course of my career is women that are backward and left.
Speaker B:And what does that pattern tell you most about?
Speaker A:Well, it's a very interesting pattern, and it's really important for women to become aware of this spinal pattern, because when we see a woman that's backward in curvature, that's male, that deals with male absence, or male that didn't know how to love a male that worked.
Speaker A:And when the spine deviates left, that's a need for male approval.
Speaker A:And so that would be an example of a woman in full masculine.
Speaker A:They're both.
Speaker A:There are pattern references, all male.
Speaker B:Okay.
Speaker A:Which when they lose regulation, they become authoritative and verbal.
Speaker A:And so what happens is these two patterns attract each other.
Speaker A:And then you realize how many people in the world are in this pattern.
Speaker A:And then you see how many marriages fail because they're in these patterns.
Speaker A:And they're both coming from generational trauma.
Speaker A:They both have been wounded, and they both have not resolved those wounds, but then they attract this other wounded person, and they're wounded.
Speaker A:Like, I have wounds inside of me.
Speaker A:I have attracted women who have wounds inside of them.
Speaker A:And then my fantasy was, oh, this person who was wounded and never received What I need and want is going to give me what I need to want.
Speaker A:And that is a fantasy beyond measure.
Speaker A:Okay.
Speaker A:So these patterns are so important to understand because we can have metrics like an EQ assessment, we can look at posture to understand eq, we can look at fill the body and feel where the stress is held in the body to understand what issues are playing out and how that's triggering a person to lower their emotional intelligence.
Speaker B:So with like a couple, it seems like maybe they'll having arguments about certain things, but it really is not about these certain things.
Speaker B:You know, whether someone didn't empty the dishwasher or fill the car up with gas or remember an anniversary, there seems to be like a root cause of it.
Speaker B:And then these types of things could trigger.
Speaker B:And then people wonder why there's like that disconnect.
Speaker A:Well, it is, it's so many relationships operate that way and there is always, and I mean always, underlying origin of issue.
Speaker A:Our issues do not begin with our relationships.
Speaker B:Right, right.
Speaker A:Our issue begins before we attract someone into our life.
Speaker A:So the greatest problem we have in life is we look at our parent and, and we have a fantasy of our parent that they should know the difference, they should know how to give me what I need, but they really don't know how to.
Speaker A:Okay, so we get let down and it triggers these wounds.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:And then some people have a higher level of awareness.
Speaker A:We see it, I see it when I get a patient, say I have a female patient, patient come in and I lay her on her stomach and I see a 2 inch left short leg.
Speaker A:And then I talk to her about, wow, it's really important that you learn to be more efficient and to save energy and your body's wanting you to learn to say you feel overwhelmed instead of you'll handle it.
Speaker A:You're allowing your mental mind to dictate your physical body.
Speaker A:And so your left short leg is indication that, that you are powering through life mentally instead of efficiently.
Speaker A:And then all of a sudden you see the balancing of the left short leg before I even treat the person.
Speaker A:That's the power of emotional intelligence.
Speaker A:We see change in a problem before even doing the treatment.
Speaker A:And to me that is remarkable.
Speaker A:It says, hey, someone could be listening to a video say I make and that's posted online and, and all of a sudden they hear it and they're like, oh, that's my story and oh my goodness, that's the solution.
Speaker A:And all of a sudden an issue that has really been impacting their life now they don't have to be impacted the same way by that same issue.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:They can make a change.
Speaker A:Change is easy when we have high level of awareness, when we're open to awareness, because some people aren't open at all.
Speaker B:Mm.
Speaker B:Well, we'll be right back.
Speaker B:Welcome back.
Speaker B:We're going to talk about recognizing your emotional triggers, so being triggered.
Speaker B:Dr. Steve, that's something probably a lot of our audience can relate to.
Speaker B:Where would we begin talking about the emotional quotient as it relates to emotional triggers?
Speaker A:Well, first of all, you either have learned to master your emotions, to regulate your emotions, to manage your emotions, or you have it.
Speaker A:And most people really haven't learned to manage their emotions.
Speaker A:They tend to take everything personally that's being said to them instead of realizing that the person who is saying it, it's passing on a generational wound, like a projection.
Speaker A:Like a projection or a transfer.
Speaker A:Someone's critical of themselves because someone's critical of them over the course of their life and now they're projecting that criticism onto you.
Speaker A:Is it really about you or is it a generational wound that happened before you?
Speaker A:When we look at regulation of emotions, it's important to learn to pause, to allow emotions to subside before you decide.
Speaker A:You can even say, hey, I'm feeling triggered, I need a few minutes.
Speaker A:And then the choice should be to come back into the communication non emotionally.
Speaker A:So as we learn to respond rather than react to everything that is taking place in our life and realize that people are all wounded, we're all wounded, and we can grow into a healthier state within ourselves.
Speaker A:But we all, all of us have these issues.
Speaker A:Like it was a huge issue in me in my life because my mom being a fifth born daughter, her father wanting sons, and then my mom feeling inadequate, she wasn't a male.
Speaker A:And then was it really reasonable to believe that my mom that felt inadequate, that she wasn't a male, was going to validate me as a male?
Speaker A:So when we understand projection of wound and we do train our brain to see what is the generational story.
Speaker A:Does someone know how to project inadequacy onto you if no one ever projected inadequacy onto them?
Speaker A:But here's the thing.
Speaker A:Something as simple as inadequacy, because it's the biggest trigger in how we regulate emotions, because we get triggered by feeling inadequate.
Speaker A:I want to be validated, but what you're doing is making me feel inadequate.
Speaker A:And then I lose regulation and I react emotionally.
Speaker A:But if we, if we look at a pattern like that, we say, well, how does that Inadequacy issue begin.
Speaker B:Where did it begin?
Speaker A:Yeah, right.
Speaker A:Answer is as far back as your family tree goes.
Speaker A:People have been saying the message, if you do it, do it right.
Speaker A:And just from that program alone, it triggers us to believe that that person will give us what we need if we do it well enough.
Speaker A:The problem is that if they never received that validation, they are not giving you that validation.
Speaker A:So it's better in your emotional intelligence to see that.
Speaker B:Right, right, right.
Speaker A:So if I'm a parent and I just simply change that message.
Speaker A:Oh, dear.
Speaker A:I was taught that if you do something, give your best, do your best, do it right.
Speaker A:But what I really learned from that is that when I did my best and gave my best, I went to people that were never validated, and those people would always tell me how I could improve.
Speaker A:So what we're going to do is change this narrative.
Speaker A:The journey in life is not to stay asleep in a generational behavior program.
Speaker A:The journey in life is to wake up with a new program that's new to your family.
Speaker A:Journey genetics.
Speaker A:That's not the same that generations of people have done.
Speaker A:So now it becomes that issue of, oh, well, I give my best intention, and that's always enough for me.
Speaker A:So it's okay that I'm not enough for you, but if I'm not enough for me and I'm giving my best, that's a problem.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:So this is the power of awareness.
Speaker A:Because once we can see, oh, I have this issue like I have that issue with my mom.
Speaker A:I wanted my mom to validate me and tell me I was amazing, but that was a fantasy and it was never going to happen.
Speaker A:Until when?
Speaker A:When I taught her how to do it.
Speaker B:How did you do that?
Speaker A:Oh, wow.
Speaker A:You know, it was my mission in life when I became a chiropractor to help my mom to understand that she had value, that she was worth loving.
Speaker A:And I remember the first time I had asked my mom, I said, mom, when was the last time you told yourself you love yourself?
Speaker A:My mom said, well, I never have done that.
Speaker A:And then I said, okay, well, I'm going to make you an audio on reading her X rays.
Speaker A:And I went through these commands with my mom.
Speaker A:And, you know, she listened to that audio every day for a year.
Speaker A:And she went from this person I can never be enough for to a person that for the last 40 years, I haven't even had an issue with her, you know, Well, I don't know if it's.
Speaker A:Well, not that far back, but 30 years for sure.
Speaker A:And she's been always about, oh, you're the best doctor, and you're so kind, and you're so loving, and you're so giving, and you're such a wonderful person, and all that stuff I wanted when I was little.
Speaker A:She didn't have the emotional quotient, and she didn't have the emotional intelligence to get there on her own.
Speaker A:And that's where great leaders come into play.
Speaker A:You study the greatest leaders.
Speaker A:What do you find?
Speaker A:They have high emotional intelligence.
Speaker A:And when you struggle with a leader, sometimes their emotional intelligence isn't.
Speaker A:It's high.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:Like, if I'm your boss and I'm great at validating you and supporting you and helping you to build on your greatness and helping you realize, well, you start with an A in my class.
Speaker A:It's very difficult for you to lose an A within my class.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:And so when we change a mechanism, we change the whole dynamic, and it's so powerful.
Speaker A:It's just such a powerful thing, and I love it.
Speaker A:I get so excited every day of my life that I come in my clinic because I get so many new patients, and so I get opportunity in five minutes to help transform where people are paralyzed because paralysis is only fear.
Speaker A:But where are they paralyzed?
Speaker A:They're paralyzed in a behavioral program that didn't even originate with them.
Speaker A:Mm.
Speaker B:Well, something that we've talked about is the questions to ask when a situation arises.
Speaker B:You know, do you want to go over those with our audience?
Speaker B:Well, like, in terms of, like, the first question being like, is it personal?
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:Is it personal?
Speaker A:It's generational.
Speaker A:It's generational.
Speaker A:I think it's also important for a person to understand that in high emotional intelligence, you can hear feedback.
Speaker A:In low emotional intelligence, feedback means rejection, means abandonment.
Speaker A:People in low emotional intelligence are in high ego.
Speaker B:Yes.
Speaker A:So their ego says, I need to know everything, and no one can know what I know or I need to be right.
Speaker A:And that means everyone else is wrong.
Speaker A:But when you're in high emotional intelligence, you're like, wow, that's interesting.
Speaker B:The point you let me take it under advisement.
Speaker A:Let me think about it.
Speaker A:Let me consider it.
Speaker B:Yes.
Speaker A:And when we can take this information and be open to it, because it's okay that I don't agree or you don't agree, but in high emotional intelligence, it's important that you allow a person their identity.
Speaker A:And even if their identity is fully bonded and seeing their life only through the eyes of someone before them.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:We can still learn and grow.
Speaker A:I learn every day from people Because I am more excited about ego strength than I am about ego.
Speaker A:And the difference.
Speaker B:Yeah, what's the difference?
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker A:Well, ego, the person needs to be seen as they know it all and everyone else knows less than them.
Speaker A:Ego strength is powerful because it says, well, I know some things and that's really exciting.
Speaker A:I will never know at all.
Speaker A:What I want to evolve is my awareness, which is my openness to learn from others, to grow within my own reality.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:So ego strength is a person that knows they have some awareness, but it's open to gain more awareness.
Speaker A:And wow, I have some awareness today of my life.
Speaker A:I have my EQ measured at almost 90%.
Speaker A: I took that test and March of: Speaker A:I have grown so much inside of me.
Speaker A:However, I'm still the person who is open to learn from each person that comes into my awareness.
Speaker A:I'm not threatened by people who know more.
Speaker A:Oh, my gosh, we're all gifted.
Speaker A:We are given gifts.
Speaker A:I was given the gift of discernment.
Speaker A:I was given the gift of communication.
Speaker A:I was given the gift of healing.
Speaker A:Healing.
Speaker A:But you were given a gift of mortgage banking.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:And so many other things.
Speaker A:And openness to encourage me to do this podcast.
Speaker A:If you're not saying to me, Dr. Steve, you need to do a podcast.
Speaker A:And I said, well, I'm probably not going to do that.
Speaker A:And you said, I'll do it with you.
Speaker A:And I'm like, let's do it.
Speaker A:Right?
Speaker A:So if you don't step up and suggest it, we're not here doing it.
Speaker A:Okay?
Speaker A:So it's so important to be in ego strengths, and we don't need to be in fear that someone knows more.
Speaker A:There's a lot of people that are way smarter than me, so I'm not going to feel inadequate when I see what they were gifted to be.
Speaker A:I'm going to stay open and I'm going to say, hey, can I get a.
Speaker A:A golden nugget?
Speaker A:What golden nugget can I get from this person to help myself gain more awareness and to continue to evolve and grow?
Speaker A:And that's the power.
Speaker A:It's not in fear, it's in growth.
Speaker B:Well, I think for me, and one of the reasons that I wanted to do this podcast is just because of the information, which is mind blowing to me, and I wanted to be able to share it on a global scale, really, because how do you reach people?
Speaker B:You know, I ran into someone at Starbucks and shared a little piece of information to this person.
Speaker B:But I just didn't see a way to really be able to get all the information out, you know, a person by person, without having something like this.
Speaker B:And I think that one of the things that, in the work that we've been doing that stands out to me is just all those conversations or, you know, disagreements, arguments that I've had in my life with, whether it was someone that I was dating or in the workplace and just trying to understand how I not.
Speaker B:Not so much seeing what was wrong in the person, but what in me could I change?
Speaker B:Because I think so much of the time people want to blame, you know, the other person.
Speaker B:And with the awareness that I've gained, it's about what can I change in me?
Speaker B:And not finding what was wrong in the other person.
Speaker B:And this is something I feel like everyone can change today.
Speaker B:Like, you know, so maybe let's go through some just practical steps, you know, for our audience.
Speaker B:You know, they.
Speaker B:There's a disagreement that is coming.
Speaker B:You know, they have a disagreement with someone.
Speaker B:Just some practical things that they can do in terms of de.
Speaker B:Escalating the.
Speaker B:The argument.
Speaker B:I feel like there's so many.
Speaker B:There's so many arguments and conversations that don't have to become escalated.
Speaker B:But I don't think people have learned how to.
Speaker B:What to do in that situation because they're, you know, we're talking about triggers.
Speaker B:And I think in a lot of situations, people are both triggered and then they weren't given the tools.
Speaker B:And, you know, we're here to, you know, help in that.
Speaker B:So maybe, you know, let's go through some.
Speaker B:Some practical things people can do in that situation.
Speaker A:Sure.
Speaker A:Well, first of all, the.
Speaker A:You can't say this enough.
Speaker A:In life, what I'm experiencing is not personal.
Speaker A:It's generational.
Speaker A:People are wounded before they meet you.
Speaker A:Their wounds are not because of you.
Speaker A:People in marriages had injury with their parents that were not resolved, and then they attracted a person who would continue the mechanism that wasn't resolved by the parent.
Speaker A:Okay, so that's number one.
Speaker A:Is it personal or is it generational?
Speaker A:In my perspective, it's always generational understanding that, like, for me, I wanted my mom's approval, and then I would attract women who have, like, father abandonment.
Speaker A:And then I want their approval of me.
Speaker A:And.
Speaker A:And then when they would be critical of me, it would trigger me a feeling of inadequacy.
Speaker A:I would then react emotionally and tell them how hurt I was.
Speaker A:But they were in left and backward curvature and they couldn't handle that emotion.
Speaker A:Because they're more non emotional.
Speaker A:So the minute I hit them with all this emotion, they're like, you know what to do.
Speaker A:But we all can look at our wounds.
Speaker A:I could look at that and say, okay, what do I need to work on?
Speaker A:Do I need to work on empathy?
Speaker A:No.
Speaker A:Do I need to work on interpersonal skills?
Speaker A:No.
Speaker A:Really good at it.
Speaker A:What I needed to work on was that it was impersonal.
Speaker A:That I need to be aware that at no point was it okay for me to react emotionally or overreact emotionally.
Speaker A:That when that was being done on the person that was in my life, that was a wound that happened before them.
Speaker A:And so learning that because we don't feel good when we take a wound that happens prior and then we consistently take it out on our partner.
Speaker A:But this is happening literally every day in relationships.
Speaker A:You have women and masculine, you have men and feminine.
Speaker A:And the male and feminine wants to be validated by the woman that didn't get loved or validated by the father.
Speaker A:And they should learn, oh, at no point when I get upset is it okay for me to be authoritative and verbal.
Speaker A:I need to watch my tongue or lock down my tongue to realize that there was a trauma that occurred before this person in my life and it's not this person's fault that I was injured prior to attracting the person into my life.
Speaker A:Okay.
Speaker A:So those things are really essential.
Speaker B:So.
Speaker B:So when you say men and feminine, I want to provide some clarity on this because I think that there's a misconception when you say that people think like it means like an effeminate man or someone.
Speaker B:Maybe it has to do with gender or, or they don't have muscles or they're not taller.
Speaker B:I want to clarify because I think that there's a misconception about when a man's in feminine.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker A:So, you know, I see a lot of men backward curve and right curve.
Speaker A:Okay.
Speaker A:So when I say they're in feminine, their spine is curving.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:Which means that's emotional.
Speaker A:And that means that their root need is to look for approval from more of a dominant female.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:Okay.
Speaker A:Okay.
Speaker A:So it doesn't.
Speaker A:Now, of course, a lot of men who are gay, you'll find our right curve.
Speaker A:But.
Speaker A:And probably more men are that are gay.
Speaker A:Men are right curve.
Speaker A:But there are also men who everything in their spine is left in curve.
Speaker A:So their root knee was their father's approval.
Speaker A:And so they're not emotional, they're more logical.
Speaker A:But it's a smaller group.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:But just having clarity that we're wounded and that we attract someone into our life.
Speaker A:Why?
Speaker A:Let's work on the issues.
Speaker A:So if I'm emotionally dominant, backward and right, then I'm working on regulating emotions.
Speaker A:I'm working on not reacting emotionally.
Speaker A:So I'm not going to get triggered.
Speaker A:I'm not going to rage, I'm not going to explode.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:Whereas if I'm a woman and I'm backward and left, then what should that woman work on?
Speaker A:Oh, at no point am I going to use my tongue to verbally annihilate this male.
Speaker A:Okay.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker A:And so then we're in a relationship and we're saying, okay, I can learn from you, I can learn from you how to respond non emotionally and you can learn from me how to soften your heart.
Speaker A:Low tone, low tone.
Speaker A:How not to project this narrative onto someone who wasn't even responsible for passing on that wound.
Speaker B:So let's, let's talk about that pattern in a woman, the one that emasculates a man.
Speaker B:What does that pattern look like?
Speaker B:Typically?
Speaker B:You know, I mean, I, I've been guilty of doing that myself.
Speaker B:That's something that I've, I've grown out of, I feel like.
Speaker B:But I, because I gained awareness, I didn't know that that's what that was.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:But now I understand.
Speaker B:And so there's, and it's something that, that I've been able to change in myself, but it's not like I have to.
Speaker B:It's not like you're on like a diet where you're like, well, I'm not going to do this thing and I'm trying so hard not to do it.
Speaker B:And then eventually you end up doing, you know, you end up, you know, losing it.
Speaker B:It's really changing the root of it so that it just doesn't happen.
Speaker B:It's not like I have to try so hard to not, you know, lose my self regulation and then to be verbal with someone, you know, and it could be someone I work with, it could be someone that I was dating or even, you know, my daughter.
Speaker B:And so just understanding, because I think that there's a lot of women that, that probably does happen too.
Speaker B:And they, I think that they don't understand why it's happening.
Speaker B:And if we can give them some awareness as to the patterning and that, that there's, that they can change it in them, but not like they're trying to not lose their, you know, lose it today.
Speaker B:Right, Right.
Speaker A:Well, again, it's about making a directive.
Speaker A:When you know what your weakness is, you can be Asleep in that weakness, or you can be awake in the weakness.
Speaker A:And when you have women who become verbal or authoritative, they have this feeling that on an unconscious level, that they'd be loved differently if they were a male.
Speaker A:Okay.
Speaker A:So they could.
Speaker A:I choose to love myself today.
Speaker A:I choose to love the wonderful woman I was created to be.
Speaker A:I recognize that my father was wounded and that wound wasn't personal.
Speaker A:I realized that my father, who I felt abandoned, born by, was abandoned prior to me, that my fantasy was that this person would know how to give me what I needed, but no one ever gave that to them.
Speaker A:And so there's so many things that we can do.
Speaker A:But learning to not be asleep in a generational program and let the generational program run your life, it's the first step.
Speaker A:It's not about doing it the same way that everyone's done it.
Speaker A:It's about doing things differently than people have done it.
Speaker A:If you've learned certain behaviors from someone, you can learn new behaviors for yourself.
Speaker A:When I go out and I do workshops and I ask people, tell me about the behaviors you have in you today that no one in your family has in them.
Speaker A:We get to the root very quickly as to, is this person fully bonded and seeing their life through the generational programming, or has this person began to rewrite the behavioral code with new behaviors that are going to transform their life?
Speaker A:And when I say transform life, it's about, wow.
Speaker A:I want to live every day of my life as if it's my last day.
Speaker A:And I want to love today.
Speaker A:I want to be joyful today.
Speaker A:I want to be peaceful and patient and kind.
Speaker A:Kind and gentle and thankful.
Speaker A:I want to be uplifting.
Speaker A:I want to be encouraging.
Speaker A:I want to be validating.
Speaker A:Okay.
Speaker A:That's my goal every day of my life.
Speaker A:Because I don't know.
Speaker A:You don't know.
Speaker A:None of us know when our last day is.
Speaker A:So do we want to potentially live our last day in victory, or do we want to live our last day like everyone before us had lived life?
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:So there's so many ways.
Speaker A:And then helping that woman to understand that she has difficulty expressing what she needs, and she has difficulty expressing what she wants.
Speaker A:And so when she wants something, she's verbally, oh, you're not doing this for me.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:But when she learns that, oh, no, it's not about being in masculine, it's about being in feminine.
Speaker A:Oh, you know, it really makes me feel special when you do this for me.
Speaker A:And what I love most about you is I know how important it is that you make me feel special and loved.
Speaker A:See, when we come at our relationship with a different energy, we have a completely different outcome.
Speaker B:I think we should repeat that part because I think that like, I think when women get triggered, I can speak for myself.
Speaker B:Is that like pre.
Speaker B:In previous relationships, situations I was in, like, you tend to come at a person and list the things that they've done wrong, and then it doesn't give them the motivation.
Speaker B:They become automatically defensive.
Speaker B:And because you're being critical of them, which I think, you know, I've had, that's been something that's reoccurring in my life that I've been working on.
Speaker B:Is it.
Speaker B:I don't.
Speaker B:I think I'm.
Speaker B:I don't think I've identified it until I really understood that it was being critical and then how it would sound to the other person.
Speaker B:And then it gave them zero motivation or energy to do anything different versus coming at a person and saying, you know, really makes me feel special when you remember our anniversary.
Speaker B:Or it really makes me feel special when you spend time to me.
Speaker B:Because I think in that case it puts someone on the offensive instead of the defense.
Speaker B:And you have situation that could have escalated, you know, that doesn't escalate.
Speaker B:And I mean, just by doing that simple thing and communicating, whether it's your child or, you know, your.
Speaker B:Your spouse or your, Your best friend, I think, I mean that just that one thing can change everything in your life.
Speaker A:It will.
Speaker A:And, and it's important to understand.
Speaker A:And what I've seen with you is I've seen how reactive you were when I first met you and how you would get triggered.
Speaker A:And that pattern wants to be right.
Speaker A:And so, you know, we all can lose regulation at times.
Speaker A:That's where we come in and say, hey, listen, what I said to you was really unhealthy and I apologize.
Speaker A:I got triggered and I said hurtful things.
Speaker A:The person in high emotional intelligence can look at what they've done and they can say they're sorry and be sincere in that.
Speaker A:Okay.
Speaker A:We're just, you know, we're really just beginning a process.
Speaker A:When someone learn some of this stuff and having an expectation that you'll never lose regulation again, it's just not real.
Speaker A:Okay?
Speaker A:My goal is to go through the whole year without losing regulation.
Speaker A:That's my goal.
Speaker A:Someone cuts me off, I have a choice to honk or not.
Speaker A:I choose not to honk.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:Someone's critical.
Speaker A:I choose to see that someone's critical of them before me and they choose.
Speaker B:To like where did they learn it from?
Speaker A:Where do they learn it from?
Speaker B:Like having empathy?
Speaker B:What like what in like the question is like, what is almost for.
Speaker B:I have empathy for them and compassion now, whereas I didn't have a before because it's like, where did you learn that from?
Speaker B:And that's a bummer that like someone taught you that, you know.
Speaker A:Well, so many things I have just learned through the brilliant work that my father laid at my feet.
Speaker A:Okay.
Speaker A:And I mean, I was all over it.
Speaker A:I saw it as a limitation and it became a great strength.
Speaker A:Okay.
Speaker A:And so, but learning that things are not personal, that they're generational is shown in the spinal analysis.
Speaker A:When we have a woman and cheats only in left curve or man, he's only in right curve.
Speaker A:Well, those are men that are bonding with a pattern of behavior that's not theirs.
Speaker B:Right?
Speaker A:Okay.
Speaker A:So if the woman in left curve is verbal, authoritative, dominant, maybe she's child of an alcoholic father.
Speaker A:Okay.
Speaker A:Maybe the father wanted a son made father repeated to the daughter how much he wanted a son.
Speaker A:He made the daughter feel inadequate that she wasn't a male.
Speaker A:But then you go look at that father and what was the wound didn't get validated by the female.
Speaker A:So the misdirection there.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:Well, we will be right back.
Speaker A:This episode of the Adjusting youg Life podcast is brought to you by Ward chiropractic.
Speaker A:For over 30 years, Dr. Steve Ward has been helping people get to the root cause of their pain.
Speaker A:He's a second generation chiropractor who looks at the whole spine, not just the sore spot.
Speaker A:With standing and seated full spine X rays, Dr. Steve finds what most doctors miss.
Speaker A:And his wall adjustment technique, it can bring fast relief.
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Speaker A:Check out chiroman.com for hours location and to contact the clinic or stop by Ward Chiropractic Family center today.
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Speaker B:Diving right back in.
Speaker B:We're going to talk about the role of communication and EQ and we're going to talk about me.
Speaker A:Well, that's exciting.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:And my X rays and some of the work that I've been doing, you know, as it relates to the relationship with my parents.
Speaker B:So let's talk about that.
Speaker B:So when we first met, you know, what would you say were some of the things that stood out in terms of my Patterning that I had as it, you know, related to my parents.
Speaker A:Well, that first day I met you, I just checked your body and I could see certain things that were playing out.
Speaker A:Being hard on self, setting too high of expectations for self, seeing your life maybe tied to money and how much money you can make.
Speaker A:And so I saw a lot of things in you.
Speaker A:You were sitting back in the corner, you were working a lot, you were letting that kind of manipulate you.
Speaker A:Since I've seen that your work doesn't manipulate you, that you're way more efficient in what you're doing, that you give yourself time away from it as opposed to obsessing in it.
Speaker A:And because when we don't get what we need in our family experience, but we get passed down, generational inadequacy, we try to figure it out.
Speaker A:And how you were figuring it out is you were able to make money.
Speaker B:My work.
Speaker B:Yeah, yeah.
Speaker A:And so your worth was in the work that you were able to do, and you were able to make a lot of money in the work you were doing.
Speaker A:But as you know, that can still feel as if it's unfulfilling because in that program, it doesn't matter how much money you make because there's an inadequacy issue underlying it.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker A:So it doesn't mean if you don't deal with the inadequacy issue, then all you're doing is you're arriving at your problems in style.
Speaker A:You can arrive in your Land Rover, your Mercedes or your BMW.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:But it doesn't take away the problems.
Speaker A:How you interact with your sisters, your brothers, your daughter, your parents.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker A:Okay.
Speaker A:So from my perspective, on day one, what you immediately received was awareness.
Speaker B:And.
Speaker A:And once you were given that awareness, your whole life changed in that moment.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:And just from then on, it's been a journey of becoming aware.
Speaker B:I think one of the things we talked about was just the relationship I had with my parents.
Speaker B:I think for me, one of the things that has changed is that I've been able to reframe the things that happened to me when I was younger and see it from a different lens, which has helped me become closer to my parents.
Speaker B:And so we could talk about that and those steps that I took.
Speaker A:Sure.
Speaker B:You know.
Speaker A:Well, I think that you completely understand that you were thrown into a multi generational dysfunctional wound that was being transferred from generation to generation.
Speaker A:When I took your X rays, you were right in curvature, both standing and sitting.
Speaker A:And in the standing frame, you were really far backward, which makes you highly reactive.
Speaker A:And over defensive.
Speaker A:And as you can recall, when I first was treating you, how difficult your body was to move, how you have the massive short leg.
Speaker A:But then as we've worked together, your body has moved so much easier and you always have a balanced short leg.
Speaker A:So those are indications of how you transformed.
Speaker A:But when we look at the spinal curvature, the X rays that are from cranium to pelvis, from the front, inside, standing and sitting, what we identify is a pattern of behavior.
Speaker A:And your initial pattern was right curve.
Speaker A:So you wanted approval from your mother, you wanted approval from your daughter, from your sisters and from other female sources.
Speaker A:And what happened was some of your numbers referenced that your mom was more dominant and more verbal and how that would trigger you emotionally, especially if that verbal criticism was being transferred to your father.
Speaker A:And if you recall, you were really far backward in curve.
Speaker A:And so that just shows you the mechanism we've talked about today, right?
Speaker A:That you have a male who is female dominant, your father, and you have a female who is male dominant, your mother.
Speaker A:And how you being the second born daughter was thrown into that, how your sister, the oldest daughter was better at denial, so she would just like maybe go hide, pull her covers over her head, whereas you, it would trigger you inadequacy and you would react emotionally and you get mad at your mother.
Speaker A:Right?
Speaker A:And so it's interesting, those mechanisms.
Speaker A:And so.
Speaker A:But what your dad would do, because no male wants to be verbally annihilated, you know, we all of us want to be validated, encouraged and loved, right?
Speaker A:We want kind communication.
Speaker A:And so how your dad coped with it was he went to work.
Speaker A:But if you look at your dad's mechanism, there's going to be some absent father in his mechanism prior to your father being your father.
Speaker A:Okay.
Speaker A:And so your father would attract one dominant female after the next, after the next, right?
Speaker B:And he has older daughters, you know, I have two older half sisters and it's the same pattern with their mothers as it is with my mother, right?
Speaker A:So because a pattern is a pattern until we become aware.
Speaker A:And then once we become aware, we have an opportunity to let go of that pattern because we're not going to see our life through the eyes of someone else's pattern or an inherited pattern.
Speaker A:And as we learn to come at that from compassion and kindness, that's where empathy comes in.
Speaker A:And when you're right courager, that's more of a high empathy pattern.
Speaker A:And it's a pattern of having empathy for your father even though your father was just working and he was not as present as you would have wanted him to be in your early life.
Speaker A:Because how he was coping with that dynamic was to numb his feelings and numb his hurt, which is a low emotional intelligence issue.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:Like being kind of asleep, so to speak.
Speaker A:Being asleep and oh, I'll be provider, but I'm not going to be present.
Speaker A:But what do we need from our parents?
Speaker A:We need their presence more than what they provide.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker A:So, so.
Speaker A:And the role of your father really was more of a role to boundary off your mother.
Speaker A:And instead of saying, he could say, well, you know, dear, you were really injured before you had your kids and before she met him and before she met your father.
Speaker A:And so it's really important that you understand the importance of not taking out your injury and your anger from your injury on me or your kids.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:That's the role.
Speaker A:Role of the father is a boundary off the dominant mother, but to boundary that person off non emotionally.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:Not through criticism, but through awareness.
Speaker A:And I say this to men all the time.
Speaker A:I say, well, you know, you've attracted an injured woman and you, and you're injured and now you're in this major problem.
Speaker A:You feel as if you can never be enough for her.
Speaker A:And, and, and as long as you navigate in the generational wound, you will never be enough.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:And maybe you have some good days in that marriage.
Speaker B:Maybe there's like a good day here and there.
Speaker B:But like, I think for.
Speaker B:I think the.
Speaker B:One of the other ways that maybe he responded was what people would say.
Speaker B:Passive aggressive.
Speaker B:I like.
Speaker B:And so, and maybe we can talk about that too, where someone is silent or non responsive or, you know, is.
Speaker B:Has nothing to say to the woman that's coming at them.
Speaker B:I think that situation happens a lot where when a woman is verbal and, and then the man has no response, which is really what I saw from my dad is there was just nothing he said back to my mom, which actually made her more upset, of course.
Speaker A:Well, it's so important to understand that when someone's in that backward curve, they have low emotional intelligence.
Speaker A:When it comes to someone being critical of them, they're either gonna react emotionally or they're gonna withdraw.
Speaker B:Okay, withdrawal.
Speaker B:Yes.
Speaker A:And be more passive, Right?
Speaker B:Yes.
Speaker A:And so that's an important awareness to have that those mechanisms are always playing out.
Speaker A:And as we develop high emotional intelligence, people will attract differently because you attract someone in a fantasy phase and the fantasy works really well because the person isn't showing you their wounds, they're showing you what they think you want.
Speaker B:Honey, honeymoon phase.
Speaker B:When everyone's on their best behavior, right?
Speaker A:But when fantasy phase, you come out of that, people show you what their inheritance is.
Speaker A:They show you what wounds that they have come from prior to the relationship and what wounds they have inherited from the many generations within that family dynamic that has occurred.
Speaker A:Okay, so to me, it's just through awareness.
Speaker A:We make our edits, we go into our relationships differently, and we realize there is a fantasy phase.
Speaker A:And we realize that when wound is starting to be projected.
Speaker A:Because you talk to people who get divorced, and I'll say to them, well, when did you first know the relationship was over?
Speaker A:And they say, oh, like the first week I was married, right?
Speaker A:Because the minute you go from not being married to commitment, commitment says, oh, I'm committed.
Speaker A:So now someone who was showing you kindness and can show you criticism, judgment, shame, blame, guilt, reset, because they have.
Speaker B:A piece of paper now that says, you know, typically, or maybe the thought is like, they're not going anywhere.
Speaker B:And that's kind of where they start to act out in that relationship.
Speaker B:But, you know, I think if you look at a married couple sometimes, I mean, I think that there's marriages that actually could have been saved that if they had just understood their wounds.
Speaker A:Oh, sure.
Speaker A:And understood that it's not the partner you attract.
Speaker A:Job to heal the wounds inside of you.
Speaker A:Like, I have wounds inside of me that has required a lot of work to come to this level of awareness on.
Speaker A:And that's what allows me to share these awarenesses with others, because I've done the work to repair a lot of wound that I inherited.
Speaker A:I do not do the things the same way.
Speaker A:I don't get triggered.
Speaker A:I don't get reactive.
Speaker A:I don't explode.
Speaker A:I don't have unreasonable expectations.
Speaker A:I have reasonable expectations.
Speaker A:I see that someone's wounded, and I recognize that those wounds were before me, never because of me.
Speaker A:And it doesn't mean that there can be wounds happening within the relationship and in our high emotional intelligence.
Speaker A:That's our openness to gain feedback.
Speaker A:You know, just simply saying, well, I'm angry at you because you work all the time.
Speaker A:And then me simply saying, I understand, dear, that you're angry at me because I work all the time.
Speaker A:See, if we can just hear someone's issue and we can just respond to that issue, not defensively, but with awareness.
Speaker A:Right?
Speaker B:Acknowledge, empathize.
Speaker A:It's like, okay, I understand.
Speaker A:You know, I was influenced by a father who worked a lot, that did a lot of seminars that wasn't around a lot, and that was my influence.
Speaker A:And I really looked at being provider, and I really didn't understand the importance of being present.
Speaker A:And so I understand where you're coming from, and I can hear that.
Speaker A:And I can work towards having more time for you and I to enjoy.
Speaker B:Each other, because that husband that's working all the time, there's a wound there that he's playing out, and it could be that that's where he's finding his value.
Speaker B:And again, not something that is personal against the wife.
Speaker B:I think so much of this is.
Speaker B:Is bringing an awareness to people, and especially, I mean, couples, I think is.
Speaker B:It's.
Speaker B:I have a heart for.
Speaker B:For couples, because I think that there's, like, they're passing each other on the night, then they're not.
Speaker B:They have these conversations, but they are not actually saying what is.
Speaker B:Is the issue.
Speaker B:There's.
Speaker B:We're not getting to the root of the issue.
Speaker B:It's also, you know, shallow, superficial things, you know, like leaving the toilet seat up or not emptying the dishwasher.
Speaker B:You know, and suddenly, you know, your husband doesn't care about you or your wife doesn't care about you or whatnot.
Speaker B:And.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker B:And then it just goes down, spiraling out of control, and there's just so much, like, pain happening all the time.
Speaker B:And I think that that's something that has.
Speaker B:Has inspired me to do this podcast is.
Speaker B:Is to get to the root of.
Speaker B:Of that and.
Speaker B:And also bring an awareness to people that they are responsible for their feelings.
Speaker B:That no one can make you feel a certain way.
Speaker B:That you choose to feel that way is how it's your perspective and that you can change in an instant the way that you feel.
Speaker B:And the idea that, like, oh, you made me feel bad, you know, it doesn't have to be your story.
Speaker B:No one has to.
Speaker B:You know, you don't have to give someone that power to make you feel bad or.
Speaker B:Or make you happy.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:So, I mean, in my life, I'm in charge of my happiness and my joy.
Speaker B:I don't give that to someone else, including my daughter.
Speaker B:She knows that.
Speaker B:But vice versa, it works both ways.
Speaker B:I'm not in charge of her happiness, and I want to empower her to be in charge of hers.
Speaker B:And so I think with this work, it's really understanding your own self and then also the way that you're seeing your life and then, you know, taking ownership of it and then doing things to change that.
Speaker B:And I think so much, so many of the relationships, it's like pointing the finger at the other person, and it can Be, you know, a sibling relationship or a, you know, a romantic relationship, platonic relationship.
Speaker B:And so many of people don't want to take any accountability for their actions or, you know, it's like always blaming the other person.
Speaker B:And what I've realized in the last five years is like there's any.
Speaker B:I'm not going to blame anyone, including my parents, all the way back to my childhood.
Speaker B:And understanding that I can reframe my childhood and I can choose to look at it from a different perspective so much to the.
Speaker B:So much that, that maybe in my life where I thought I.
Speaker B:There needed to be some forgiveness per se about maybe some of the things I thought my parents should have known, I moved beyond that where it's.
Speaker B:There's not even forgiveness because they didn't know better.
Speaker B:So I have nothing to forgive them for in that way.
Speaker B:And that's really been empowering where I'm not a victim of my childhood or my parents anymore.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:Well, you've grown in the time I've known you tremendously in so many aspects of your life in the awareness that what I'm doing is powerful and impacts lives.
Speaker A:You made a choice to empower other family members to get X ray analysis.
Speaker A:And we have a number of your siblings that we have images on.
Speaker A:We have images on your daughter.
Speaker A:We, we have images on your oldest sister and her two identical twin sons and her husband.
Speaker A:And that was all because you had a vision.
Speaker A:And your vision was to have a healthier family dynamic and family unit.
Speaker A:And the key element in that is people say a family member criticizes another family member.
Speaker A:If they haven't really learn to come at it from a high emotional intelligence, the relationship can shut down, people will start withholding.
Speaker A:All of a sudden the parties are paralyzed and dysfunction.
Speaker A:And all you need to understand is it's multi generational and we're all wounded.
Speaker A:And so.
Speaker A:And I'm not always perfect in what I communicate and sometimes I might communicate something in a way that hurts you, but it doesn't mean that, you know, we should abandon the relationship.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:So.
Speaker A:Because again, we get too caught up in righteousness.
Speaker B:Yes.
Speaker A:In people feeling like, oh, I was right and you're wrong, what you did hurt me, you know, but it's just a hurt person who hurt you.
Speaker A:And if you are seeing it personally, then you're not seeing that we're all wounded by generations of wound.
Speaker A:And so therefore it makes it more difficult because if you want to hold your parents accountable for everything they've done, then you must ask the question what kind of experience did they learn or experience before they became your parents?
Speaker A:Did they have healthy, loving, kind, generous parents?
Speaker A:Did they have parents that were really good at validating them and encouraging them?
Speaker A:Did they have parents that actually worked with love commands with their children?
Speaker A:Did they have parents that wanted their children to build on their greatness, to celebrate their greatness based on their best intentions and giving their best of thanks and helping them to understand that we're not navigating in a healthy world, we're navigating in a wounded world.
Speaker A:And that's why Scripture is very clear that we forgive 70 times 7.
Speaker A:Why would we forgive an infinity?
Speaker A:Because it's multi generational.
Speaker A:And when the minute we get that, it disengages the intensity of our own narrative of what we experienced.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:Well, and with my family, I think that what, what most like.
Speaker B:So for my whole life I've kind of been on this journey where, you know, wanting to be the best person I could be, whatever, what, you know, how, how to arrive at that.
Speaker B:And I think I wanted to, to know from a family perspective, like, you know, because we were all in the same house and how, how did the dysfunction play out in all of our lives?
Speaker B:And it, and there's so many different ways that it went and different feelings and all of that.
Speaker B:And so for me it was, it was, it's important that we have an understanding of the dysfunction and are able to look at it and then, you know, be better for the information and also be able to look at our parents with grace.
Speaker A:Yes.
Speaker B:And, and that's, you know, and we're all, all are still on, on my journey figuring that out, you know, and it's been great that we have a, A lot of my siblings have been X rayed and we're gonna, you know, hopefully get everyone so we can kind of see the whole family dynamic of it all.
Speaker B:But the amazing thing is, is that, you know, there's no blame, right?
Speaker B:There's no blame to pass around because I think that's something that I did.
Speaker B:I know other people do it.
Speaker B:And where does that like, lead you in your life, but in a place of, you know, where, you know, might say I'm cutting off my mom because of this or whatnot, and not really having the empathy or compassion to, I think, see your mom or dad from a wounded place, you know, which I think so important because I think it's in the expectation that we think our parents were qualified to have children, which I say is they weren't.
Speaker B:Their parents weren't I certainly wasn't.
Speaker B:You know, there's a lot more information available now out there.
Speaker B:You know, obviously books and things like this podcast and other podcasts that have so much information that people can educate themselves and.
Speaker B:And figure out things.
Speaker B:But, yeah, I mean, to me, no one was qualified to have children.
Speaker B:And then to think that your parents were.
Speaker B:And then they meet and then there's children to.
Speaker B:Then again think like they know they have it all figured out.
Speaker B:They don't.
Speaker A:Yes.
Speaker A:That's.
Speaker A:That's the greatest misdirection of all, is how we view our dysfunctional relationships.
Speaker A:And we view them as if they know the difference.
Speaker A:And that's a misdirection.
Speaker A:People know what they've inherited and what they've experienced.
Speaker A:And until they choose to rewrite that experience through forgiveness, through not personalizing, through realizing that even though they were wounded and came at you from their wound, the wound projection wasn't personal.
Speaker A:It was generational.
Speaker A:And then, see, because I could have cut off my mom.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:But I stayed the course.
Speaker A:And what was the payoff?
Speaker A:Like?
Speaker A:30 years of not having a problem with my mom.
Speaker A:How did that help me?
Speaker A:How does that help me to become healthier?
Speaker A:In me, I now have an experience where I know my mom loved me authentically instead of not knowing how to love me at all.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:So when we have these things, yes, it's easy to cut it off.
Speaker A:If you have backward curve, that's an abandonment curve.
Speaker A:So when you get triggered, what do you want to do?
Speaker A:You want to abandon the dynamic?
Speaker A:Let's cut it off.
Speaker A:But the wisdom is in our willingness to stay in it, work through it, come up with new behaviors, new coping mechanisms, and actually turn a challenging relationship into your greatest relationship.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:Well, I. I'm excited because I think one of the episodes we're going to talk about is love.
Speaker B:I think that's.
Speaker B:And the consciousness and all of that on that.
Speaker B:And then also the idea that there's unconditional love.
Speaker B:I think that will be a future episode to talk about.
Speaker A:Let me just say on that, when someone comes at you in fear, so they're shaming you or criticizing you, you have a choice to take that transfer.
Speaker A:Or you could say, oh, I love myself even when you're critical.
Speaker A:I love myself even when you're shaming me.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:Because the healing is reframing it back to love and moving out of fear.
Speaker A:And as we move out of fear, then we can get more into neutral love, which is kind and patient, gentle.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker A:Doesn't.
Speaker A:You don't have to be right in it.
Speaker A:Someone else can have their identity, they can see things different than you, but you can still love them.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:So for our audience that just heard you say that people, people should rewind because that what he just gave you were was a way to respond to a situation.
Speaker B:And you can use those, you know, what you just said in a response to someone that's, you know, you're feeling attacked or someone being critical of you and it will change the entire relationship.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker A:And you can even, you can say it silently or you can say it to them.
Speaker A:Oh, well, thank you for being critical.
Speaker A:That gives me an opportunity to practice loving myself when someone is critical of me.
Speaker A:So that is a great gift you're giving me.
Speaker A:And I appreciate you for this life.
Speaker B:Lesson, which I feel actually is like a diffusing.
Speaker B:I think that that diffuses what is, I mean, what's someone going to say to that?
Speaker B:Like, huh?
Speaker A:Well, they.
Speaker A:What the fear minded person will do in that is they'll move on to someone else who will take their criticism personally.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:That was really insightful.
Speaker B:It was wonderful to revisit just how much I've grown and this has been a great episode.
Speaker B:For more information, please go to our website@adjustingyourlifepodcast.com Click on show Notes and thank you so much for joining us.
Speaker B:We'll see you next time.
Speaker A: ced by Adjusted Life Media in: Speaker A:All information contained in this episode and all other content provided on this channel is for informational and entertainment purposes only.
Speaker A:This content is not a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment.
Speaker A:If you or someone you know is experiencing a medical emergency, please contact your local emergency services.
Speaker A:Dr. Stephen M. Ward, D.C. is a board certified doctor of chiropractic medicine licensed in the State of California, county of Los Angeles.
Speaker A:The Adjusting youg Life Podcast is written and produced by Executive Producer Jamie Knapp and co produced by Kennedy hall and Dr. Steven Ward as Dr. Steve.
Speaker A:For more information or to connect with us, visit adjustingyourlifepodcast.com.