Do you ever feel like you’ve given up on yourself? Do you struggle with trusting yourself? How do you start to rebuild the self-love and support you’ve let go of? 

This week Belinda & Sonya are tackling the topic of self-abandonment: what it is and how to turn back towards ourselves with more self-compassion. 

They share their own self-abandonment experiences, how to know when your brain is pushing you in a direction that your body doesn’t like, and strategies and practices to help you find your way back home. 

Join us as we discuss: 

• 03:52 The distinctions between surrender and abandonment.
• 12:12 Developing compassion for your inner critic.
• 16:00 How much of our stress response can be managed but not controlled.
• 28:28 How focusing on the present moment can ground us in our bodies and keep us in touch with self.

Resources mentioned in the show: (If appropriate)

• Professor Paul Gilbert https://www.compassionatemind.co.uk/about
• Rumi on seeking love https://psychcentral.com/blog/mindfulness/2010/02/our-barriers-to-love-mondays-mindful-quote-with-rumi#1

Learn more about Sonya & Belinda: 

—> Sonya Stattmann is the host & creator of Reclaiming Ourselves™. She is a TEDx & corporate speaker and has been working with leaders around personal development for the last 22 years. She teaches workshops & offers small group programs around emotional intelligence, transformational & embodied leadership, and energy management. You can find more about her here:

Website: https://www.sonyastattmann.com/

Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/sonyastattmann/

—> Belinda Haan, co-host of Reclaiming Ourselves, is a gifted Masters-level certified professional coach who has worked with leaders and executives in various Fortune 500 corporations worldwide. She is a mindfulness and compassion teacher and facilitates group and individual therapeutic interventions that promote inner connection and belonging. She is personally passionate about bridging the gap between science and spirit, using an empathic, grounded approach that weaves contemplative practice and accessible personal development with her clients. You can find more about her here:

Website: www.belindahaan.com

Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/belinda-haan-b1b02815/

What you can do next:

1. For more episodes, opportunities, and information on the hosts, visit http://reclaimingourselvespodcast.com/
2. Love the podcast? Get episodes delivered to your inbox with articles related to the topics we talk about. You can sign up at http://reclaimingourselvespodcast.com/
3. Need a little weekly magic? Sign up for Worthy Love Notes & weekly affirmations here https://www.sonyastattmann.com/self-worth-affirmations-2/  

Thank you for being you. We are so honored to have you as a listener!

We All have triggers.

We all have ways that we use these survival skills and they're good and

they're necessary and they're wonderful and they can no longer serve us, in

which case we can love on them and understand them and support them in

a way that allows us to, to do the opposite of self abandonment, right?

To, to re support ourselves, to re back ourselves.

Um, and I think that's the journey of reclaiming ourselves in so many Ways.

Yes, absolutely.

And you know, you're so right.

let's not use our awareness of the ways that we've abandoned ourselves as a

way to criticize ourselves even more.

Because, you know, often we don't realize until afterwards.

And so then in that moment, can we.

Go with some humor, like, Isn't that, isn't that interesting?

If you know there is something deep inside of you

that is yearning to be seen, to be known, and to have expression.

If there's something you need to reclaim and remember: maybe it's your

power or your purpose, your gifts.

This is the podcast for you.

Welcome to Reclaiming Ourselves.

I'm your host, Sonya Stattmann and I'm honored to have three amazing

co-hosts, Laura Shook-Guzman, Belinda Haan, and Emily Soccorsy, here with

me on this journey to self discovery.

Every week we're gonna help you unravel and remember what it means to reclaim

yourself, to own who you are, to recognize your innate worth and greatness.

Now this podcast is a deep dive into self-development,

healing, and empowerment.

So hold on.

Here we go.

Hi, and welcome back to Reclaiming Ourselves.

I am so excited because I have Belinda Hahn in the studio with me today, and

we are gonna be unpacking a topic that is something I've explored a lot over.

I'd say the last, you know, 10 years in particular.

And it's really this idea of self abandonment, right?

Like I think when we're looking at reclaiming ourselves, some of

what we're reclaiming is the ways we've abandoned ourselves, right?

Abandoned our purpose, or abandoned our truth, or abandoned our wisdom.

And so that's what we're gonna kind of explore today and

I'm very excited to do that.

And so, Belinda, welcome and tell us a little bit about.

How can we start diving into this topic?

yes, it's great to be here.

And I was saying before we pressed record that in the lead up to this episode,

I've been watching all the ways that I abandon myself so that I'm embodied in

the, the felt sense of what that's like.

But I thought it might just be worthwhile just exploring a definition around that.

And, the dictionary definition of abandonment.

So there's nothing there about self abandonment, but

abandonment is to see support.

To give up or relinquish control of to surrender or to give oneself over.

So if you look at that from a self abandonment perspective, it's to see

support of ourselves to give up or relinquish control of ourselves to

surrender or to give oneself over.

like some of that's really interesting, right?

Like I can really.

See how self abandonment is like to see support of ourselves.

But I also think, like in a lot of self development circles, right, we talk about

surrendering as a beautiful thing, right?

And surrendering and the way they talk about is very different than I

think, the good ways to surrender.

Right?

So, maybe we can kind of just pull that thread, like what's the difference

between surrendering and abandoning self?

Yes.

That's a great question because I think, I think that there's a balance

between working out when to put effort in and when to surrender . So it's

that sort of, that constant, um, back and forth about that, which I guess is

true for, for ourselves as well, and.

To me, the difference between surrender and abandonment.

Abandonment to me is really about.

not sort of having that quality relationship with ourselves.

To me, it's a reflection on what is our relationship with ourselves, and

that foundation needs to be there before we're even thinking about what

to surrender or what not to surrender.

If, if our relationship with ourselves is not there, then how do we know

what to let go of and what not?

Yeah, I think that's a really good distinction.

And, I, I also feel like self, self abandonment at least, and

the ways that I've explored it and the ways that I've, you know, kind

of, unpacked it for my own life.

There are really ways in which I dishonored my true self, right.

Yes.

maybe I surrendered, but I surrendered because I felt like

I had no choice or I surrendered to something that was misaligned with

me, which is very different than the times I've surrendered for peace, or

I've surrendered as a conscious choice.

And I think, you know, for me, that abandonment is really when

I've, surrendered something I didn't want to or shouldn't have.

Yes, yes.

Absolutely.

Absolutely.

And I think it's, you know, for me anyway, It's even just building awareness

of what, in what ways we do this.

Because sometimes, I mean, I really feel like it was outside of my

conscious awareness that I was even abandoning myself until I created

a bit more space and was practicing mindfulness and sort of seeing the

patterns and all of that sort of thing.

So I think it's not always clear the moments that we do do that, and I think.

Self abandonment, for me at least, it, it can be chronic in terms of just the,

the habitual way that we, we act is leaving ourselves believing, you know,

other people matter more than our, ourselves never fulfilling our needs.

All of that.

So that can just be a chronic state of being that, you know,

often we're not aware of.

But then there can be acute moments of self abandonment when we've got something,

you know, something's triggered us or activated us, and then that's set.

you know, we go down the rabbit holes of different other defensive strategies

and leave ourselves in that moment.

Yeah.

And so what does it feel like, You know, because a lot of people

probably haven't ever looked at it from this point of view, right?

Maybe they kind of think, Oh, I dishonored myself, or, you know, maybe

I left myself outta the equation, or, you know, I put others above me.

but self abandonment, gosh, it just has this like, particular feel.

And so, How do we recognize when we're doing that?

What does that look like?

What does that feel like?

And I'm sure it's different for everybody, but in your experience,

what does that look like?

And then maybe I'll share in my experience as

well.

I think that the one way that is really easy for me to

tell whether I'm abandoning myself is true my behavior, so, People pleasing

, perfectionism, saying yes, when I mean no.

And you know, even I'm sort of reflecting on the ways that I say yes when I mean

yes, but I have no capacity to say yes.

as well.

Yeah, that's a really good one.

and comparing myself to others and.

You know, going into my head actually, that's a really strong strategy

that I've got, um, just sort of analyzing and ruminating and trying

to fix and all of that sort of thing.

And I think it all stems from my practice from a self abandonment

perspective is really about meeting the moment as it is in whatever

shape that takes, and particularly in relation to my emotional world and.

Not abandoning myself when emotions arise has been my continual practice

because when difficult emotions arise, that is my core moment of self

abandonment because it feels too much.

um, I think because.

I, you know, wasn't necessarily held in those difficult emotions

at different times that it makes me have a strong belief that, you

know, this is evidence that there's something wrong with me or whatever.

So it's in that moment of actual difficult emotions that

I'm having to really look at.

What, how I'm actually relating to myself in that moment because that

emotion is coming up for me to meet it as a messenger, and whenever I turn away

from that, because you know, and then get into my defensive strategies like

people pleasing, overworking, all of those kind of things, it's really just to

avoid that core emotion that's arising.

That feels too much.

Yeah.

That's really interesting.

Like I'm starting to kind of think, What are all the ways, like, you

know, sometimes I don't notice self abandonment patterns or big times.

I, I self, you know, abandon myself until I look back over my life.

Right.

But in the moment, What can I feel?

Right?

What can I notice?

And I do think when I'm in my head, when I'm not feeling, when I'm not

trusting my gut, when I'm not asking myself what do I wanna do, what do I

feel like sometimes there's like those automatic decisions we try to make or.

I know for myself, I'm often trying to force myself to do tasks to get

things done right, and, in that I'm not checking in with myself to see,

but what do I feel in this moment?

I'm trying to push through whatever I feel in order to just

like get this agenda done, right?

And I feel like those are ways I abandon myself.

All the time, right?

Instead of checking in with myself like, Do I feel like I need a rest?

Do I feel like I need to take a walk?

Do I feel like I need to do something in self-care?

I'm just pushing myself to just meet some agenda that I have

that's come from my head and.

I think that's like a daily self abandonment.

And then of course there's huge self abandonments where I put other people

over myself or I didn't listen to red flags or things that happened in my life.

I didn't really listen to my gut and I, you know, went ahead and did something

major that had years of consequences.

Right.

So, You know, I think there's these big moments and then there's

these like micro daily moments and,

Yes.

those are good to pay attention to.

And I do feel like for me, I'm, I'm more disconnected to my body.

I'm more in my head.

I'm not asking myself what I need or what I want.

Yes.

And it really manifests for me as self-criticism as well, you know,

that just persistent, voice that is judging me res, you know, resisting

my experience, making meaning, trying to fix things, all of that, um, really

strong and loud voice of self-criticism that's been with me and really, I mean

with me my whole life, but only in conscious awareness in terms of the ways.

Supports that self abandonment over the last few years as I've become

more sort of mindful of what's, what's happening internally and that that sort

of persistent and hypervigilant judging.

Of my behavior, my inner world, my thoughts, the way

that I'm with other people.

and the kids like that.

I mean, motherhood's been like self criticism's just gone, um,

flourished in that container.

And that is like having a persistent judge just on everything.

And, and I sort.

Talk about self criticism, like having your, having poo colored glasses on

instead of rose colored glasses on , where the whole, where everything that you see

is just all the ways that you are failing.

and that doesn't, that's not always, um, the case, but I am becoming

more aware that that is a indicator.

When self criticism is high, it's, it's a messenger that it's

time to connect with myself.

what I have done before with self-criticism is like, I've just gotta

get rid of it because self-criticism is what pushes me into these behaviors that

I'm not happy with, like overworking.

People pleasing perfectionism and all that.

It sort of, that is, has been my avoidance of that self-criticism and all of the

work that I've done to get rid of the self, the inner critic like it's been,

Yeah, there's been a great mission for me to get rid of that, that inner critic,

but now I'm relating to that differently because I sort of see it now as like an.

Protector innocent strategy that has kept me safe when I was younger, but it's

not really relevant to my life anymore.

So I can notice the self-criticism and sort of realize that that's a little

messenger for me to connect in with my true self and, and sort of it's a call

back home, if you like, rather than something that I need to get rid of.

Yeah, I mean that's such an important thing in general, right?

Because when we criticize a self, I mean, that is abandoning self, right?

Mm-hmm.

you know,

where we're

abandoning ourselves.

We're not supporting ourselves, we're not backing ourselves.

Right.

We're beating ourselves back in in a way, or we're, you know, beating

ourselves down instead of backing us.

And I love what you said because I think, as we explore, you know,

why do we abandon ourselves?

I think mostly because we're trying to survive, right?

They're all survival strategies.

So, you know, it's not condemning ourselves.

It's not being like, Ugh, I abandoned myself again.

I'm so bad.

I'm so wrong.

So, you know, that's just more of that abandonment, but instead

really loving ourselves and, and supporting ourselves and looking.

what's happened that we felt we needed to, ignore our needs or, what survival

mechanism have we used that's allowed us to, to live, but like you said, is

no longer serving us or is no longer relevant to our current state of being.

you know, the more I learn about.

These survival responses more.

I learn about the nervous system.

You know, we all have it, and it's evolutionary biology.

It's not based on how good or bad we are.

It's not based on how self developed and evolved we are.

Like we all have this evolutionary biology inside of us.

We All have triggers.

We all have ways that we use these survival skills and they're good and

they're necessary and they're wonderful and they can no longer serve us, in

which case we can love on them and understand them and support them in

a way that allows us to, to do the opposite of self abandonment, right?

To, to re support ourselves, to re back ourselves.

Um, and I think that's the journey of reclaiming ourselves in so many Ways.

Yes, absolutely.

And you know, you're so right.

let's not use our awareness of the ways that we've abandoned ourselves as a

way to criticize ourselves even more.

Because, you know, often we don't realize until afterwards.

And so then in that moment, can we.

Go with some humor, like, Isn't that, isn't that interesting?

You know, that we've done that.

And you know, like you said, our nervous system really should be absolutely

honored in this, in this regard because our responses are automatic

and you know, they can feel like.

an extreme threat if we, you know, if we've triggered a memory from

early childhood or, it feels in that moment, like that same threat, even

though we can look around and say, you know, everything is actually fine.

So honoring that.

our automatic response is not something we can control.

We can't just say, I'm just gonna be in the vental, vagal

response and just be all aligned.

Like, it just doesn't work like that.

right.

That's right.

when the threat comes, like that's a call to resource ourselves

and instead of judging ourselves, which trust me, I've done that.

You know, why am I so activated and why is this still happening?

You know, that can happen, um, as well.

Why is this still a problem or still an issue that I'm working with?

But it's actually just a call to resource ourselves.

So, you know, even.

What are the five things that I can see here?

Smell like using our senses, feeling our feet against the floor.

You know, even just like I'm really trying to use compassionate touch, you

know, when I'm feeling like triggered by something I'm just sort of doing, you

know, just doing some gentle touch and, you know, putting your hands on your

heart and saying, This is really hard.

And, you know, we can connect with the fact.

Everyone experiences this.

It's not just us.

And I think that I was under the illusion that I had the strongest

inner critic and no one else has, has an inner critic like me.

And that's just not true.

And, and you realize that actually we are all experiencing our own difficulties,

our own ways that we abandon ourselves.

Like it is just part.

Being human.

It is.

you know, Paul Gilbert talks about that.

You know, our brain is just amazing for so many things, but in a way there's

so many design flaws, , because we are just naturally looking out for threat.

And so that is what, supports us to bend ourselves.

And, you know, there's, there's a lot of other factors outside the

nervous system that can really, um, take us away from ourselves.

Like if we're.

If we're parents with young children, we're, we're caring so much and so much

of our attention goes outwards, Sleep deprivation, you know, family stress.

There's just, there's a million, reasons why we can event ourselves and I guess

there is no amount of inner work.

That will avoid that happening , and there's no solution to this in terms of

like there's no neat bow that you can put around yourself to say, forevermore, I've

got self intimacy and self-compassion, and I'm just gonna always be present with

allowing everything that happens that's just not a realistic goal, but we can just

have a reflection, an ongoing reflection.

What is my relationship like with myself in this moment?

Yeah.

know, what is it that I'm experiencing in my body?

Like really listening to the body because the mind is so often in the

past, the body is in the present.

You know, the mind can be in the future as well, but the body is in the

present moment can be such an anchor.

For us.

But if, like me, you've had a real strong pattern about being in your head and

you know, valuing that and intelligence and all that sort of thing, which is

all wonderful, but in our times of suffering, the body is really our anchor

and our source of wisdom, and it's where we can reconnect with ourselves.

Yeah, I think it's so important there was such a big

aha when I started to recognize that in a lot of ways, I think

self development program, self development philosophies, like the self

development world has a lot of things.

Not quite right.

Right.

Because I think a lot, lot of ideas that we have, I know I grew up, I

mean, I've been in self development circles since I was quite young.

. And so often I was taught that, you know, if you change your beliefs,

you can change your responses.

If you just think differently, think positively, you know, it's like

we, we are still coming through all this kind of brain activity.

And when I understood that like my body is having survival responses

that are not in my control.

Right.

So the autonomic nervous system is responding for my

survival in my best interest.

Like for me, right?

It is not abandoning me.

It is serving me.

Right?

When I kind of started to realize this, I realized, wow.

You know, for so many years I shamed myself for not being able to change

my beliefs fast enough for not being able to like, think my way out of a,

a pattern that was happening or out of a, a way I was sabotaging myself.

And there was such a huge aha when I realized, you know, that all

the things you just said are true.

That we have this evolutionary biology that is automatic, that we respond

in the best interests of ourselves, and that per like our nervous system.

Is responding to perception, not reality, but to perception.

So whatever we perceive as a threat is a threat.

And so when I could, when I could see all of that, when I could understand all that

in many ways, I could stop judging myself.

I could have more compassion and empathy for myself.

And I think that helped me minimize self abandonment because I feel

like judgment and pressure, and.

The ways we lack compassion with ourselves, right?

All that like perpetuates the self abandonment.

So, you know, we abandon ourselves for whatever reason to survive, and

then we continuously beat ourselves up over and over and over again and, you

know, we just perpetuate that system.

But the more I could recognize that, like, Oh, I'm human and there is no.

Like condition or state that I'm gonna permanently end up in.

I'm not gonna be enlightened all of a sudden and not have reactions, and not

have responses and not feel threats.

Uh, when I could really understand that, I feel like it changed the relationship

to myself and, and I'm nowhere near not self abandoning myself, right?

Like that just continues to be a thing, but.

I'm more aware and I can recover from that self abandonment more easily.

Mm.

Yes.

That's beautiful.

And you know, I really resonate so deeply with that.

I, you know, I've got a coaching psychology background, so you've just

gotta set a goal, you know, here's all the, all the things that you need to do.

And, and, you know, that was working in some ways, but not working in those

really kind of sticky kind of things that, that, um, that was present.

And, you know, with, with the nervous system.

honoring the intelligence and turning towards listening to that intelligence.

And that's not necessarily listening in terms of, Okay, well

I'm gonna hide because I'm scared.

It's really just going, okay, I've got a bit of activation happening within me.

You know, how can I sort of resource myself in this moment rather than,

you know what, I have done many, many, and continue to do many times.

Morning having a preference for things to be different.

You know, I would really love it if I was in the Vental vagal response

because then I'm gonna be clear and articulate and everything like that.

But the reality is, you know, I'm doing a podcast.

There's a lot of activation happening in my nervous system right now.

And, and that's natural.

Of course.

That's natural.

And what can I do?

Can I feel my feet against the floor?

And you.

I think I've talked before about being highly sensitive, you know, highly

sensitive people, very connected to their nervous system, you know, but

not necessarily wanting their nervous system, but to be as it is, you know,

because like there's a, that Brooke, um, Thomas talks about my smoke

alarm being, she talked about this in her, but this is true for me too.

My smoke alarm is fix, fix too close to my cook Chop.

Wow.

but you know, that there's that sort of level of

activation and threat that is, you know, is present and I'm building

more capacity to be with that.

I'm widening my window of tolerance all of the time through every moment that

I turn towards my suffering rather.

Judging myself, resisting it, you know, all of those things that I habitually

do, which is a very human response.

Every time I'm sort of spending a few seconds with sadness or anger

or, you know, meeting the moment with care and patience and curiosity like

that is widening my ability to be with the nervous system and whatever

response it's having in that moment.

Yeah.

You know, it's interesting because I was thinking, you know, when you

were talking, there was this, this feeling of, you know, when we abandon

ourselves, we turn away from ourselves.

Like, there's actually like a, a feeling sense of that right?

When we turn away.

Maybe the opposite of abandonment is, is embracing ourselves, right?

Are turning towards ourself.

Like I think just that.

On a feel sense level helps me kind of understand and explore like,

what am I doing in this moment?

Am I turning away from myself or am I turning towards myself?

And I think that's really helpful for me at least.

to look at that.

It's like that there's some kind of anchor there that I can easily

assess versus like, I could get in my head and be like, I don't know.

Am I abandoning myself?

Am I, am I not abandoning myself?

What does that look like?

But really just feeling.

In this moment, in this experience, in this circumstance, am I turning

towards myself with care or am I turning away from myself with, um,

you know, disconnection or even

Resistance.

Yes.

Judgment.

Yes.

Aversion,

yes.

And so that feeling sense is really powerful, you know, because if I can

turn more towards myself, and that doesn't mean like I'm all great and

like I'm turning towards myself cuz I'm all happy and wonderful, right?

That means turning towards whatever I'm experiencing, whatever I'm feeling,

whatever's happening in my life.

And if we start to define it that way, I can really see all the

ways I abandon myself, right?

all the times I turn away from myself because I feel it's too hard or because,

you know, I don't wanna navigate something or, you know, because it

produces a reminder of what I think is unworthy in me, or, you know,

And so it's like these little subtle ways I just kind of like turn away.

what I wanna do, what I wanna practice, right?

What I wanna live is more turning towards myself, more embracing myself.

Yeah, so I love that embracing ourselves just

feels so lovely, doesn't it?

Such an act of compassion.

And I think, you know, a little way to just build our muscle in turning

towards ourselves is just dropping into.

The felt and direct experience that we're having, you know, like,

what is happening in my body?

What are the sensations that I'm experiencing and how do

I feel about this being here?

You know, that's a, that's what, cuz I am like, but.

I've got a PhD in resistance . You know, I just, I cannot have it.

I need to fix it.

I need to just buy a course or, you know, do do something to just

make sure that this isn't here.

But if I can just go, Okay, what's actually happening in my body?

I'm noticing there's a lot of resistance and can I allow resistance to be here too?

Because that is just part of it.

And embracing ourselves and our experience in whatever.

Is happening because I, I have found that my, my greatest moment of

self abandonment is actually in the times that I'm having difficulty.

It's in the times that I'm really needing support.

Yes.

And that is the saddest thing, isn't it?

Because in the times that we actually really need support, I'm

not there, you know, I'm just, I've, I've gone off on the, Yeah.

I'm the labyrinth walker.

Looking for all the solutions to, to what's happening instead of just actually

coming back to what's actually happening in this current, current and present.

What's my experience?

How do I feel about my experience being here and looking at that and

welcoming and loving the resistance too, because that is there and

that's really part of being human.

Yes.

And you know, this is like such a good point I think because, and I think we talk

about this a lot in this podcast, right?

So often I think we kind of project onto what self development is,

what personal growth is, is like this place to get, uh, Perfect.

Right.

Or to, to, to get to a place where we don't have difficult emotions or when we

don't have difficult experiences are when, when we're enlightened or embodied or,

you know, and, and yet really what it is about is embracing whatever it is, right?

the good and the bad and the ugly and the, and the wonderful and the like.

Every single experience that we have, embracing it all.

That's a very, very different.

Perspective than I think we traditionally think of growth or development and

you know, I, I've been exploring kind of this idea around embodiment.

I mean, for so long I thought, oh, to be embodied is to be feeling everything

and to be centered and to be, wonderful.

Like, and being embodied is like the thing I want to achieve, right?

And then as I started to kind of unpack that and explore the ways

I perceive that, I realized like we are embodied all the time.

Like we have patterns that are fully embodied, , right?

Our good patterns and our sabotaging patterns, they are fully embodied.

So the problem is not that we're not embodied, maybe it's about being

more consciously embodied, right?

Maybe it's being more connected, but that really kind of flipped the switch for me

of the way that I look at self development and enlightenment and embodiment.

I'm like, Oh wait, , I'm, I'm practicing embodiment.

All the time, just maybe not in ways that are aligned with who I wanna be.

Yes, Yes, absolutely.

And we have these challenges that come up and like you said,

it's already present in the body.

The challenge, and then.

What we do is habitually, well, me anyway, resist and judge and make

meaning and catastrophize and seek solutions, make meaning, all of that.

And that's actually the unnecessary suffering that we do

for ourselves.

And that's when we actually self abandon as opposed to just, you

know, let's just slow things down, what's actually happening and,

and realizing the intelligence.

Of the experience and, and that, and that.

Even like in the difficulty, it's a messenger.

It's actually just a call back home.

I mean, we might have a preference about it not being there, a really strong

preference at times, but, you know, anger, self-criticism, all, everything that is.

In our experiences, um, is especially the difficult things, all of the, um,

negative thoughts we've got about ourself, they're all just a messenger to come back

to an innate wholeness that is always present, always whole and complete, and

joyful and accepting regardless of what content is happening, what our emotions

are, what our thoughts are, what's happening in our external environment.

It's like this.

Haven that we can come back into regardless of what's,

what is our experience?

Exactly.

Exactly.

I love that.

I just think this is such a, An important topic because when we can

recognize how we abandon ourselves or what that feels like, what that looks

like, then we can just choose to start turning towards ourselves, right?

In the smallest of micro moments.

And so maybe let's talk a little bit about that.

You know, how do we start to choose connection or choose to turn, turn towards

ourselves or choose to embrace ourselves?

and I think one of the things that sometimes happens too is when we,

when we choose to reconnect, right?

Or to re-embrace ourselves, sometimes there can be some

emotion, some latent emotions there.

You know, maybe we feel the pain of the abandonment that we did, right?

Like, I definitely know that sometimes when I have been abandoning

myself, disconnected, right?

I've been in my head.

When I finally feel something again, when I let myself drop back into my

body, you know, there can be sadness and you know, loss and grief even at the

ways that I did turn away from myself.

And it just like rises up instantly.

And you know, if I let myself feel it, then I go through that and

then I can be more reconnected.

But I think those are things that, you know, not a lot of people talk about.

Yes.

And inner child work is so powerful, you know, in this,

in this way of being able to.

And, and I remember when I first started inner child work, I, I really

had a terrible relationship with my inner child and was really yeah, just

an adverse, adverse relationship.

But as we sort of connect in with the innocence of, of our inner

child and the ways that we weren.

Supported or it didn't have our needs met, you know, through no fault.

You know, everyone's trying their best, but there's

different situations that happen.

That's a way for us to turn towards our experience by creating intimacy

with our inner child and, and just generally building our self awareness.

Like I really think self awareness is.

So core and critical to this and to generally reclaiming ourselves if we

are not building our, our knowledge about ourselves, our quirks, you know,

the things that activate us into self abandonment, you know, our strengths.

If we are not having intimacy with who we are as a person, then

how can we know when, when we've abandoned ourselves or even what we.

from life.

You know, that self-awareness is just so critical and that that can just

simply be having a journaling practice.

And I know you and I just love that.

Just writing every day and with no purpose, just to sort of, Really be

able to see what's actually happening.

And you can be so alarmed by the thoughts and by the criticism and

everything, but isn't it better to know because it's already happening?

But by bringing it to the surface and really understanding ourselves and

our habits and our conditions, and.

Our strengths and all the things that we need to thrive and flourish as

opposed to all the things that drain our energy without building that

ongoing inner dialogue about what, what, who we are and what we need.

It's really impossible to sort of be able to discern when we've

abandoned ourselves or not.

Yes, And I think, you know, even that daily

practice, even creating the space, so you know, sometimes when I.

Am not abandoning myself.

I'm creating space every day for journaling or sitting somewhere like

doesn't, Sometimes I don't even journal, but just sitting, not staring at my

phone, not trying to get something done.

Not having an agenda, but just sitting, looking out at the

world, drinking my coffee, right?

Just giving myself that time is resourcing myself.

It is embracing myself.

It is honoring myself.

And magic happens even if I don't journal, even if there's nothing that comes out.

It's like something happens when I just drop into just being without an agenda.

and you know, just allowing myself to be and allowing myself to sit

that magically reclaims myself again, that magically reconnects.

And like I said, sometimes there's emotion there.

If I felt really disconnected, and this is a constant process I go

through, like I abandon myself.

A lot, and I think we all do.

We, we don't have a world that honors embracing ourselves.

Like the whole world teaches us in so many ways to dishonor, disregard,

disconnect to who we are and what we need in service of whatever agenda, you know,

the world has in all these different ways.

And so just giving yourself, 30 minutes a day.

An hour a day, that is just space to be is quite a gift.

And I find that when I start that process, I reconnect in such a powerful way that

a lot of things flow better in my life.

And when I don't allow that process and I abandon what I need in so many ways, then

everything's more clunky and everything's more challenging and everything's harder.

Mm.

Yes.

I wholeheartedly agree.

And I think we've got very similar defensive strategies in terms of

that, And back to, I think one of your original questions about what is the

felt experience of self abandonment, Like one of the felt experiences that I

have is a era, you know, just that inner.

Racing and feeling very busy and like, I've just gotta get

things done and blah, blah, blah.

I need all, I've got all this stuff on and.

Even though it's the opposite of what you wanna do, that is a call to slow

down and have a bit of connection because that racing is from a threat response,

That's right.

And even though we just in that moment, I know do not wanna

stop and have 20 minutes to ourselves or whatever, that's just the last thing

that we wanna do because we feel so busy.

But that is, And overwhelmed, but that's actually what is required

in that moment to reconnect.

And then all of that other stuff becomes easier and you become

more productive and all of that.

Um, but that's just a really practical way that I notice just

that racing and busyness and just the feeling of not having enough time.

yeah, I feel like I'm haunted by my to-do list.

Like I feel like it's like this monster chasing me all the time.

And, but the interesting part that I'm learning about myself, and I feel like

it's relevant to this as well, is.

when I feel it's chasing me, when I feel like I've got too much to do

and like I'm totally out of my body.

I'm not dropping in to check in with myself at what, what really needs to be

done, Where do I really need to focus so I'm spinning or I'm avoiding, right?

Like I'm either spinning and nothing's getting done either

like I'm racing, but not getting anywhere right on that rat wheel.

or I'm like completely resisting and distracting

myself in about a thousand ways.

Whereas if I just took that 10 minutes just to drop in or 20 minutes to

drop in and feel, Where am I at?

What, what do I really need right now?

Then I think, yeah, everything would flow through so much more smoothly, and I do.

That the majority of us are in response, like we're, we're in reaction, we're

in our survival, our fight and flight or appease, or you know, whatever it is

that are kind of our survival strategies.

I think we're living in that all the time and we're normalizing it.

It's normal.

This is just normal.

This is just what we experience every day.

This is what we're practicing.

they're all mechanisms, that are being activated.

And so I think it's so important to just become aware of, you know, like you said,

I think self-awareness is the key here.

We're really just looking at, how do we have more self-awareness

around what it feels like for.

What the patterns are for us, What triggers us to self abandon and how

do we, have more awareness too of when we can embrace ourselves and what that

Yes, Yes.

And and dropping below the behavior.

So my behavior of overworking, for example, below that is

a sense of unworthiness.

Like, I need to prove myself, I need to achieve things externally.

To be okay.

You know, I need to get the validation of others to be okay.

So I've gotta quickly work, work, work, work, like make sure I'm

o you know, overthinking it, perfecting it, everything like that,

And that just sort of keeps me in that real, um, drive overwhelm state.

Um, so dropping below the behavior to sort of really understand what's actually

below this and, Back to your point about turning towards ourselves and saying,

Oh, you know, of course, you know, we all feel unworthy at times and can I

just be with that for a moment with gentleness and connection to the fact

that we all feel like this sometimes.

Yeah.

I love that.

I mean, we have to wrap up for today.

I mean, I feel like this is such a, a big topic and we could, I think we

could have like a whole series just on this, but I think what I've taken away

from today is really that feeling of acknowledging and noticing and becoming

more aware of when do I turn away from myself and when do I turn towards myself.

And you know, I really appreciate, you know, this conversation cause I think

it's really highlighted that for me.

anything you'd like to kind of finish out with before

Yes, I, I'd just like to offer this roomy quote, which is

just, it's an ongoing contemplation for me, and I think it really

relates to this, um, this episode.

It is not my purpose to seek love.

It is my purpose to seek the barriers, patterns and beliefs

that stop love from flowing in.

Mm.

I love that.

That's so beautiful and that I think that definitely relates to self love

Mm.

Yes.

Thank you so much, Belinda, for being here, and

thank you everyone for listening, and we will see you next week.

Hi, it's Belinda.

I hope you were able to get some little nuggets of wisdom or maybe some seeds

of compassion through this episode.

If you would like to learn more about this topic, you can sign up

to my newsletter@belindahan.com.

Have an amazing day, and I hope to see you next time.