Every relationship hits a problem when our view or vision differs from our Partners.

Slaying the Dragon is the step of the Fairy Tale that everyone skips. Every Prince and Princess had an ordeal before they lived happily ever after. That ordeal is overcoming the problems that will otherwise block your happy ever after.

Transcription

Welcome to honest talk about heartbreak, dating and relationships, relationships, the podcast helping you navigate your path to happy ever after with your host, Rob McPhillips. So the topic we're going to talk about tonight is slaying the dragon. And slaying the dragon is the metaphor for the problems in a relationship and how you resolve those problems. So. When we going to break out rooms I'd like you to think about for a minute now, is the relationships in your life where.

There's a problem that's coming between the two of you and so these can be all kinds of relationships, romantic relationships, whether it's friendships, whether it's work, relationships, wherever there's a problem.

Between you and the other person stopping the relationship from really flowing. So if you think about those relationships now, what are we going to discuss in the breakout rooms is what is making the relationship a struggle? What is the problem that's come in between the two of you? Perhaps examples might be it might help if everyone writes in the chat box. Examples that they have of a problem that's hindering their relationship. This can be any kind of relationship because we're looking at a process rather than the actual details here.

And while everyone's everyone's doing that, is there anyone that has a problem that isn't too emotionally sensitive that they would be happy discussing? We can use as an example. And, Carol, to add anything specifically there, would you say, for example, that we can use OK for for for us?

I believe it was lack of communication. So in our relationship, there wasn't anything in any event. So there was no infidelity. There was no abuse. There was no there was no particular specific thing that you could point at and say this was caused the problem. Except that I will say that. It was because we didn't really talk to each other about the things that I suppose we put up with things rather than talk to each other about it. Can that eventually, I think, took its toll?

OK. OK, and so if you weren't able to resolve it and that led to the end of the relationship. Yeah, well, it's a bit more complicated than that. I mean, she basically got to a point where in her mind it was finished and she basically kind of said, right, this is it, we need to get divorced. And and that was it.

OK, OK, so come on. OK, is anyone anything else come up in the groups that anyone would like to discuss?

So I was going to say, Rob, that for me, my my girlfriend, when I went in, she was quite needy, like she had mental health issues. And and I think after about sort of three or four years, she she improved quite significantly and she actually turned into a different person in some respects. So she went from being a massive introvert to being quite extroverted. And it was actually difficult for me to I felt like I had to know I had to learn to get to know her again.

I felt like it was a different but. In some respects, we go for. OK. All right, so what I'm what I'm going to do is I'm going to just talk about my ideas because the Slay the Dragon, then how many people are clear on what I mean by Slay the Dragon?

Yeah, OK. All right, so I'm going to show you my ideas on why I think slaying the dragon is important and how we go about there and then we can use that as a framework. To look at more specific, so. Right. One minute they are going to share the screen just so sometimes visuals are easier to. To get an idea of what I'm saying, okay, I'm. But let me, if I can, move this box.

Okay, so where do we go first? Slightly slain the dragon is really about and when you have the prince and the princess, like in a fairy tale model, then.

What most people miss out is Prince means princess, and then they fall in love and live happily ever after. But the missing piece is that in the fairy tale, the prince and princess have to lift some, which is curse that slay the dragon and have to go through some ordeal. And that is the key for them having a happy ever after now.

So what exactly is the dragon? So the problem in relationships is like Timewell says, when you marry someone, you marry a set of problems. And if you didn't marry them, you wouldn't have those problems, but you'd have a different set of problems. And John Gottman talks about 68 percent of problems are unresolvable. So let's look at exactly what that is and how you can manage that within a relationship.

So basically, the problem is that when two people get together, they got a different idea. They both have different views. They've got different slightly different values, perspectives, experiences of where they see that they're going. So we might talk about in the big picture, you know, we both want kids. We both want this kind of life. But even when we're agreeing on that, the specifics of what it's going to look like are very different. And so the differences between our views and where we're both heading is the dragon that we have to slay.

Does that make sense to everyone so far? Yeah, think so, right, the big things that people argue about are money, sex, children, how you raise them, in-laws, friends, career, all of these kind of things and the differences that one person might like to be really frugal. One person might see money as fun, sexy type and quantity children one parent might restrict. One parent might be really relaxed. One person might want to see themselves as a small family unit and not have much contact with others.

One might be really social and want people living around the house. So let's talk about what kind of problems. People have so let's just stop there for a minute, let's look at the chart and if anyone wants to. Stepan. It's interesting said that John Gottman said that six people would say what was the 68, 68 percent of problems unresolved?

So they got problems into solvable problems and unsolvable unresolvable problem, unsolvable problems.

I mean I mean, considering there are quite a lot of relationships that at least go on for a while, that seems like a no. Yes, but what they what they mean by that is. That the problems are. The problems are personality differences. There's value differences there, slight ways in like instead of the big five that people argue about is money, sex, children, the extended family. So. If we look at a chart, so let me see what I it's not necessarily that.

Documentation's OK, okay, but the things that people disagree on, there's a pattern. So what it means is when people disagree in a long term relationship, it's the same problem reoccurring over and over again. Does anyone recognize that in their relationships? Yeah, yeah, so it's usually like one person is always like one person leaves their clothes lying around on the floor, one person, those kind of things. So they kind of patterns of behavior, which is based in differences in the way that you see the world, the way you operate in the world.

So let me get back to. This site, these are the problems and. Move that, okay, so typically I write something on this last week that someone said, well, you know, like, I'm always compromising in my relationships and then it doesn't work out, but. Typically, people say that you compromise in a relationship. So this is the difference between them is is that basically the dragon and compromises like you go halfway and you both give up something.

But what that means is that Niva is happy. So they're both getting a substandard result. I just mean, this is where the basis is for people to settle in relationships. So I so rather than so if you've got past here, you've got person B here on C, Pilar Opposite's.

When you slay the dragon, basically what you're doing is you're making a point C, which is what I would call like a sculpted solution. So when you have a compromise, it means that you give up something in order for the full harmony. And so what eventually happens is you basically lose yourself and you don't get what you want and you expect and hope that the other person gives up what they want for the sake of the harmony. But eventually what that means is never, never is happy.

So the relationship basically isn't working for either side. So when I'm talking about a sculpted solution, what I mean is when you understand the differences between you, when you understand where the problem came from, you're able to. Grow said, rather than give up something, you're basically growing. And your understanding each other at a higher level, so.

Got a little bit out or ahead, so for me, problems are really the gateway to deeper understanding and deeper connection. A chance to understand more about each other. So. When we look at the closeness of a relationship is about how intimate we are and the intimacy that we have is based on how much we show the other person and how much they we see of them. So the way that humans connect is through self disclosure, is through understanding each other at a higher level.

So when we like strangers, we just judge on face value people we like. We have a little bit of a snapshot from social interactions, friends. We know a little bit about that personality. We know what they like. We know what they like to be around close friends. We might share our hopes and hopes and fears, but family, we have more. Affiliation, they're part of who we are. So. So it's really when you have a problem, what you've got up here.

You've got kind of an iceberg and you've got the stated reason that someone said in the. Above is like what's above sea level, and so that's what we work off, but underneath that, there's all these assumptions and sense of identity and all these kind of things that underpin the real problem. And so slaying the dragon is about uncovering all of this. And. So what I'm talking about, the sculpted view, like John Wanamaker said, that 50 percent of advertising is wasted, but I just don't know which half.

And in the same way, most of our beliefs are wrong, but we just don't know which ones. So when we go through life, you know, like we if you look back at the history of civilization, it's full of assumptions that are wrong, that the earth is flat, that we're at the center of the universe, all of these things that over time, as we develop our knowledge, we learn we were operating on a false premise.

And the same way in a relationship, we'll find that most of the things that we think that we want, the things that we think that we really value are really important to us. Often actually wrong. And so the way that slaying the dragon and sculpting is in having the communication to be able to talk about what the real problem is, to be able to analyze. Exactly. What why you how the assumptions, the beliefs that you do? And then in finding that you're able to find what's actually true and what.

It's just something that you misled, misinterpreted, and then you go for this to come to. I like point C in where we can. A point in here, so it's not a compromise, but it's something where we've both grown to to a better solution. But let me just go back. So does that make sense so far? Tell me if I'm leading you anywhere. I'm I'm I'm struggling, said for me, a compromise is is if you have like three warring parties, then they compromise.

This way you find a solution. Isn't that. OK, I think this is a matter of. Syntax really is really what this compromise mean. Yes, Nancy. Yes, but mostly compromised. Means that people compromise their beliefs. Yeah, I want to agree.

And so once you've compromise, you believe you've compromised who you are. OK, and if you still are if you still believe it, but you say, OK, I believe this, but I'm going to do this.

Your actions are out of line with what you believe. Yes, they say, but but you can have a compromise without compromising yourself. Yeah, so so what I'm saying is, is rather than compromise, I believe this, but I'm going to do this rather than compromise in that way. You work on what other beliefs you're talking about behavior that.

No, no. Yet compromise is when you change your behavior, but you don't change your beliefs. And we have an example. Like a working life example. OK, so thank you, Margaret. So I can think of one that happened between me and my son, for example, yesterday, but I don't think it was a wee compromise. It wasn't like a belief behind. It was just Wilmont. It one thing going to know if I wanted another thing.

So we had to find a win win situation, which is not right. We didn't really have to compromise our beliefs in that scenario. So if you got a situation where it's about compromise and beliefs, you you able to talk about that?

It was only a little I just wanted to go shopping and I knew I was going shopping just to get food shopping or go on my own last minute. He says, you know, I'm not feeling very well. I was the only one right to go and whatever. And I said, well, I don't really feel like going on my own to feel more secure. He came with me and ended up just being a compromise. He was happy to call me if it meant that he was allowed to buy an extra room that you wanted as soon as it saved enough money.

So he didn't have to wait for it. And he was happy to do it and he was happy to come out shopping like that.

And then so I got what I wanted and he got something else that he wanted.

OK, OK, so. So what? Kind of what you did with sorry, sorry. Sorry, but isn't there a difference between negotiation and compromise and in some instances, some instances, it's it's really negotiating to get something done that has to make sacrifices.

Sometimes I was willing to make a sacrifice at that point. And you just said, no, you know, I'll come with you. So in that scenario, obviously, we all need to make sacrifices sometimes as well.

Okay, so it wasn't really like it wasn't a big sacrifice. It was a sacrifice you were willing to to make in order to get a small example.

OK, so that's a sacrifice is actually compromising and going backwards. Whereas I actually like having something where someone says you can have this if I have as a bargaining state is actually going forward. So once at once.

But yeah, OK. But let's look at a problem that would break a serious relationship.

OK, so one wants a child, one doesn't want a child, for example.

Okay. Because that is something, Soki, that you're willing you would rather leave the relationship than than give up on. So there there are negotiations, like you said, that could work to fix a small problem in order to move forward. But what we're talking about, the problems that break relationships are things like the baby don't want a baby in the move house across the world and not wanting to do that, those kind of things. There are problems that break relationships.

And so a compromise can't work really in there because someone is giving up something that they really care for in order to preserve the relationship. Does that make sense? Yeah, so so what I'm talking about there, where is that kind of problem that's going to break the relationship is you have to. Then work out, what do you really want? And so in the same way, it's sort of in the same process that what you did was you worked out.

You went kind of a layer of what you know, why is it really important to you? Why is it really why don't you want to do this? Why don't you want to do this? And then you were able to find a middle ground. So it's similar in that sense. But it's it's about understanding more of the person. Is understanding what that really means to them so so in terms of if it's about a baby, then you need to get to the truth of it.

Is there any point of, like, commonground? And so why why does one person want the baby? Why does the other one definitely know? And there's going to be all kinds of assumptions and beliefs about that is going to be like.

I hated my childhood. It was horrible. I don't want to bring someone else up into that childhood. I need to feel secure. I need to feel like I've got a certain amount of money that I can bring a baby into the world or someone else might be like, I need a baby because I'm not going to feel complete without a baby. I need a baby because I need that love. And sometimes people who want babies isn't like the baby isn't going to solve the problem.

But there's a problem that they're looking for connection. They're looking for love. They're looking for belonging. And they think a baby is going to give that to them. Does that make sense? Yeah, so is trying to find out what's behind that door. I for one or not one.

Yeah, and if you really get to me and you understand each other the deepest, deepest level and you can appreciate you got lucky, like it's really important to you that you want to. Baby, I'm not will s not willing. You know, there's nothing on me that's changing. It's really important to me.

That's when, you know the relationship is going to work and we can't come to a compromise at that point or one's not willing to give the little for the other or vice versa.

Yeah. And that's when and then there was so much animosity because, you know. Exactly. The relationship just isn't going to work because it's something so key. And so and so you even uncover the solution or you get clear on what is the breaking point of the relationship. That's why I think it's OK to talk about these things prior to getting into a relationship to have sort of sad things.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, definitely. I mean, before you get like white people got married without ever having discussed this. So mostly we just stumble into relationships. Let me just go back, because I think there's a little bit more on here before we discuss it a bit more. OK, so. Right, so now dragons are really a metaphor. And so this is Joseph Campbell and Joseph Campbell just basically studied. He spent his life reading books and then looking at the meaning behind them.

So he he came up with what's called the modern mayfly, the hero's journey of what the key stages of basically every story that's ever been told.

And then he looked at what was what the metaphor and symbology behind it was and what he says. The dragons basically represent greed. And so he said there's a difference between a European version of the Dragon and the eastern version of the Dragon in their mythologies. But the Europeans are lucky. The Knights, where he was slay and dragons were basically gods, things like gods, like heaps of gold and virgins. And it's not that he can make use of them.

It's about greed, it's about the ego and what he says is basically the ego is our dragon's cage. So the point my point in including that is that basically underneath here. And as in Vladimir Vasiliev in martial arts, and he says the goal isn't...