If you perceive that you had a tough childhood or experienced childhood trauma, then this is for you. Dr Demartini reveals how your so-called imperfect childhood may have been more perfect than you originally thought.
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The power of a human being is that we can
take whatever happens to us and change
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:our perception of it.
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:Each time I present the
Breakthrough Experience,
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:very commonly I have attendees want
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:to tell stories about their
childhood, challenges that they had,
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:sometimes people will say that, you
know, I was not wanted, or I was,
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:they wished I was a boy or a girl, the
opposite sex or maybe some different sex.
8
:Sometimes they think, well,
my mom was not there for me,
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:or my dad wasn't there for me, or there
was aggressive or too passive or didn't,
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:they ignored me or didn't want to
put any attention to me. I mean,
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:people come up with all kinds of
reasons why they thought that they were
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:having an imperfect childhood.
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:So today I'd like to unveil maybe
the perfection inside your imperfect
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:childhood and discuss that.
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:Because I see that in almost every week
when people come to the Breakthrough
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:Experience, they start out that way,
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:and then we go through which
I call the Demartini Method,
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:and we ask a new set of questions and
make them aware of things that they hadn't
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:been aware of. And at the end they have
tears of gratitude for what happened.
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:So I'm going to make a statement
here that might shock some
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:people initially.
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:But everything that
goes on in your life is
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:perceived through your filter.
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:So if you have an expectation that
people are always supposed to be nice and
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:never mean, when they're mean, you're
going to think that you're abused.
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:Or if you have an expectation that
people are supposed to listen to you and
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:you're supposed to be important, if
they're not, they're ignoring you,
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:you're going to feel ignored. So, your
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:expectations have a lot to do with
what you project onto your reality.
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:And I'm of the opinion that
whatever's happening in your life,
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:it can be perceived in the way and
you can become a victim of history,
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:or on the way, and become a master
of destiny. And I've been doing,
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:helping people transform their
perceptions for decades and
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:I'm certain,
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:I've yet to see something that people
have been through in their childhood that
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:they can't turn into an
opportunity and be thankful for.
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:Anything you can't say
thank you for is baggage.
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:Anything you can say
thank you for is fuel.
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:I had a boy who was abandoned
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:in his mind from a foster family.
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:And before that he was an orphan
and his parents both died.
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:So he grew up thinking that he
was, you know, rejected, unwanted,
43
:et cetera.
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:And so he had been going to various
therapists and specialists and
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:foster family trainings and things,
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:but most of his life until
21 was the idea that 'I was
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:an unwanted child.' And that
was the story he was running.
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:And people like to share their
story that way, their victim story,
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:because they somehow get sympathy
and attention sometimes from it.
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:So I was asked to work with this boy and
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:I said, so your parents died,
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:you were put into an orphanage and then
you got into a foster care and you got
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:rejected by the first family and you
got into the second family. Yeah,
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:I've been unwanted all my life. That's
the story he ran. And I said, okay,
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:maybe, but do you know how to use the
internet? He goes, yeah. You have a phone?
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:Yeah. Let's go online.
And I said, pardon me?
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:I said,
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:go to and look up famous
celebrities that started
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:out as orphans or foster care.
And we started looking things up,
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:started looking at famous
names, Sir Isaac Newton,
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:his father died when he was born,
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:his mother then left him for
a while trying to find a man,
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:left him with a guy that had an
apothecary kind of place. And
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:I made a list and I showed him a list
of famous people that did extraordinary
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:things on the planet. And there
were hundreds of these names.
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:It wasn't just a couple, it was hundreds,
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:famous people that started out as
orphans or abandoned or, you know,
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:fostered or whatever. And
when he saw that list,
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:I said, these are all the most impactful
and powerful people on the planet.
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:They made a difference in the world.
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:You come from the same
source as these people.
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:And he looked at that and his, he framed
his mind differently. And he says,
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:so what you're saying is that I
have a special background? I said,
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:you have the background of these
individuals that went on to do something
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:extraordinary. Are you
sure this isn't a gift?
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:Instead of a blaming setback?
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:And so we can take,
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:the power of a human being is that we can
take whatever happens to us and change
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:our perception of it. William James,
the father of modern psychology,
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:says that the greatest discovery of
his generation is that human beings can
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:alter their lives by altering their
perceptions and attitudes and mind.
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:Now I've been doing in the Breakthrough
Experience for decades now,
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:taking people who've been through whatever
they imagine is terrible and finding
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:out how it served them. They
never asked that question.
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:They just assumed with the moral
hypocrisies that that event
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:was terrible.
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:And they never stopped to look at what
might have been the blessing that came
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:out of it, or how they could
initiate incredible things.
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:So when I, all of a sudden I ask them to
go and look for the benefits, they go,
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:well, I don't see any. I said, look,
again. I can't think of any. Look again,
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:because you stopped looking, because
there's always two sides to it.
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:And people will argue and say, well,
what about this? And I go, yep, that too.
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:What's the benefit of that?
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:And all of a sudden people discover some
upsides to it, creativity's out of it,
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:they develop skills out of it,
new angles, new perceptions,
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:new drives. I mean,
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:I'm amazed at what some people will
uncover if they ask the question,
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:how is whatever's happening
on the way, not in the way?
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:How's it helping you do what's
most important to you in your life?
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:How's it helping you do something
extraordinary? And if we ask,
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:see the quality of our life's based
on the quality of the questions,
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:if we ask questions that way, we will see
that what we thought was imperfection,
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:will have a hidden order to it and
a magnificence to it if we look.
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:The difference between disorder and
order is missing information is called
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:disorder. And when you discover
that information, it's order.
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:So by taking the time to find out
the other side of the equation
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:and to balance the equation,
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:liberates us from the
story of the imperfection.
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:I had a lady who was in Florida,
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:and she had again been
abandoned in her mind
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:and she felt rejected and
she went to a foster parent.
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:When they did, the foster parents
were busy, but they cared about her.
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:But she perceived that she
missed out on a mother.
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:That her mother abandoned her.
And that's the story she ran.
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:She felt that she was
unworthy and rejected. Okay.
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:So I asked her a simple question.
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:Let's make a list of all of the particular
traits you think your mother didn't
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:give you because she was
gone and she rejected you.
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:Let's write all the things down.
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:And she wrote down about a dozen things
that she thought she missed out on,
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:the nurturing, the caring, the
guidance and this kind of stuff.
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:And then I took each one of those things
she thought she missed. And I said,
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:so who provided that particular behavior?
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:It's not missing. Nothing's
missing. Where is it? And she goes,
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:huh, my mom's sister, my aunt,
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:I guess took on some of that. And
my grandmother took some of it.
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:And my best friend's mother took
some of it as I got a little older.
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:And then one of my teachers
took on of it. And I said,
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:so is the quantity that you would've,
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:you thought you would've
gotten from your mother,
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:that you thought you missed out on,
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:can you see these other people
took on that trait? Yes, I do.
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:I said, can you see that you didn't
lose it, you didn't miss out on it,
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:it was just in a diversified form,
it was not one, it was many people,
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:but you had all the things you
wanted from your mom? She goes, yes,
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:I never saw that.
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:So if you take the thing you think you
missed out on and find out who provided
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:it and hold yourself accountable to look,
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:and I've been doing that for decades
now, I assure you nothing's missing.
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:It's in a form that you just didn't honor
because you had a fantasy about how it
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:was supposed to be, and you're
not honoring the way it is.
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:And whenever you compare your
current reality to a fantasy,
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:you won't appreciate your reality.
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:So I went through all of those 12 items
that she thought she missed out on,
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:and we accounted for every one of them
until it was a hundred percent accounted
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:until she believed that the quantity
was equal to what she expected from her
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:mom. And that was eyeopening
because she realized,
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:so what you're saying is that I didn't
really miss out on that. I said, no,
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:nothing was missing. Missing
information is called disorder.
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:And when you see the information, you
realize there was a hidden order to it.
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:And then I said, so you are assuming
that if your mom had given it to you,
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:it would've been better. But if
your mom had given it to you,
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:what would've been the drawback?
And she just froze. She said, well,
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:there wouldn't be any drawback if my mom
had given it to me. I said, no, no, no.
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:Everybody thinks it's a greener
pasture on the other side.
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:I have people that come to
the Breakthrough Experience
and they say, well,
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:my mother smothered me. And
then other people that think,
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:my mother was never there for me.
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:And each one thought the other one
had a better deal. And they don't,
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:because each of them have
both positives and negatives,
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:things you like and dislike.
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:But if you have a fantasy that the
other would've been all positive,
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:then you will not appreciate your current
reality because you're comparing it to
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:a fantasy. So what would be the
downside if your mom had been there?
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:And when she did that,
she froze and she froze,
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:and she all of a sudden got teary eyed.
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:And she goes and shook a
bit. And I said, what is it?
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:And she said something my aunt
said to me when I was really young,
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:I just remembered it. I
said, what is it? She goes,
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:my aunt said that the reason
why my mom wasn't there,
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:I didn't believe it and didn't make sense
and didn't want to believe it at the
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:time, but she said,
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:the reason why your mom wasn't there
is because she left you in a tub
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:with really hot water and got,
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:she had bipolar condition,
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:and she left me in a tub and I almost
drowned to death and burned to death in
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:the boiling water, the hot water.
And the mother said to her sister,
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:I am not capable of raising
this beautiful child.
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:It's not fair to her to have me.
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:And all of a sudden her anger towards
her mother shifted and she realized
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:her mother cared and loved her
and made sure she got what she was
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:wanting for her through other people
who were more competent because she felt
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:that she's unreliable and could
leave her child unprotected.
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:So she didn't leave because of
rejection. She left because she cared.
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:And when she got that she
cried and she goes, oh my God,
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:I can't believe that I just completely
ignored that and ran the scenario
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:and story so I could be the victim
and then get sympathy from people.
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:But when I stop and think about it, my
mom really cared and was there for me
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:and she gave me an opportunity. I said,
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:what's the benefit of these other
women taking these roles? And she said,
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:I learned a different language.
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:I got opportunities in education
I wouldn't have gotten.
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:And the foster parents did
extraordinary things for me,
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:even though I punished them,
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:they gave me opportunities I would
never have gotten by my mother,
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:there's no way, she was not,
she didn't have the income,
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:she didn't have the lifestyle.
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:I can't believe that I fabricated
this fantasy about my mom.
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:The real truth is she would not have been
able to provide some of these things.
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:And she made sure that she gave me
a better deal. And in that moment,
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:the perception of her childhood shifted.
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:From unwanted to I'm special.
From, I'm not worthy,
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:to I have something special to do,
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:and I want to make sure my mom's
effort wasn't gone in waste.
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:And she shifted that day and started
to put focus on doing something
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:extraordinary. Now, during the time
she felt unwanted and not worthy,
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:she didn't believe that
she deserved a great guy.
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:So she was hanging out with guys
that would take advantage of her.
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:And she was in low
socioeconomic positions.
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:Her perception of herself was compared
to a fantasy she was holding onto.
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:And she created partly a fabricated story.
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:And here's something that she made and
then she realized that if you ask a
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:different set of questions
and become cognizant,
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:you'll see things from
a different perspective.
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:I saw that same thing in a boy in
Australia who was supposedly abandoned.
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:But it turned out that his mother came
from Mumbai and lived in a slum and
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:she believed that he deserved a better
life than what they could offer.
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:And his life changed at age 21,
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:changed his life also just like this
lady. So it's not what happens to you,
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:it's your perception,
decisions and actions from it.
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:And you can take anything that's ever
happened to you and you can find the
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:upsides to it. I do it every
week working with people.
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:And every time I do the Breakthrough
Experience, every single time I do it,
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:I'm helping people transform the
story that they've run in their life,
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:the childhood victim
story, into a victor story.
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:And to find out how whatever's
happened is on the way, not in the way.
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:And a lot of people will run that story
because it's been convenient. They,
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:they, they've leveraged it
with unconscious motives
to hold onto the story,
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:instead of actually going and transforming
it into an opportunity and doing
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:something extraordinary with their
life. We all want to make a difference.
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:And some people think they're going to
make a difference by getting sympathy and
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:play small and use that as their excuse.
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:But I assure you that's not where the
most empowered self-worth comes from.
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:It's from doing something that makes
a difference in people's lives.
235
:If you ask people, when have you had
the most fulfilling moments in life,
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:it's usually when you're doing something
that's a service that contributes to
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:somebody else's life that's meaningful
to someone. And they say thank you.
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:And there's been a
sustainable fair exchange.
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:So I've seen people who have been beaten.
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:I had a gentleman who was in Los Angeles,
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:really shut down guy.
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:And he was basically not really
wanting to interact with people,
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:but he attended the program.
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:Somebody told him to come to my
Breakthrough Experience program.
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:And what was interesting is he was just
very quiet and he really didn't want to
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:participate, he just sat
and wanted to spectate.
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:And so I kind of got in his face
in a bit and I said, all right,
248
:so who are you having a big resentment to?
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:Because we had one of the exercise was
to identify who you resent the most and
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:show you how to dissolve that so you're
living beyond so-called forgiveness,
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:but to actually be
thankful. He says, well,
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:my father was absolutely violent.
253
:He used to hit me with baseball bats
and I used to have to hide under the bed
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:and surround myself with
pillows because he beat me.
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:Because when my mom died, he expected
me to do everything that the mother did,
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:cook and clean and chop
and everything else.
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:And I had to cook for him and clean
the house and everything else.
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:And I started that when I was four.
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:And if I didn't do everything I was told
I was beaten with a baseball bat or hit
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:and slugged. And I said, great,
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:okay so let's say that's
happened, I'm not negating that,
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:but let's find out how it served you.
Well, there's no service to that.
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:How can you say that, he's
cruel, he's mean, he's this.
264
:And he wanted to label this guy. And I
said, and I spent quite a bit of time,
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:well some of my facilitators who had been
trained in my work also tried to help
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:this guy, but he really
wanted to hold onto his story.
267
:And then I asked him something that
was, I can't say it was, you know,
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:well thought out, genius idea, it
just happened to come to me. I said,
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:so what do you do for
a living? And he said,
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:I am an animator for Disney,
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:I make all of the children's
animations for all the movies.
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:And I just got this intuitive
chill in my spine and I said, Hmm.
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:So just outta curiosity,
274
:when you were sitting under your bunk
bed in order to dissociate from the
275
:so-called trauma and the challenge
that your father gave you,
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:did you use a creative imagination
and did you create another world?
277
:And he looked at me and he stared and he
said, it's exactly where it came from.
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:And I said, did you thank
your father? And he goes,
279
:no. I said,
280
:is that one of the most meaningful
things you do to make a difference in
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:children's lives? He said,
that's what I live for. I said,
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:did you ever thank your father because
you would not have had the creative
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:talent and skill if it hadn't have been
for being under the bed and used your
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:creative mind as a survival
strategy? He saw that and he said,
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:I never saw the connection. Wow. I said,
286
:you sure that this wasn't on the way
for your mission in life? I mean,
287
:why not see it that way? And
he closed his eyes and I said,
288
:what do you want to tell your
father? And he says, I had no idea.
289
:I said,
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:I had no idea you were preparing me
for what I absolutely love to do today.
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:I'm one of the most successful
animators in the world because of you.
292
:And he opened his heart and saw the
perfection. Then I asked him a question.
293
:At the moment your father was beating
you, who was overprotecting you?
294
:And he said, nobody. I said, they
don't have to be in the room,
295
:but who's trying to protect
you? And he goes, oh wow.
296
:There's a lady next door who knew
what was happening in our house,
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:and she was frightened of my dad.
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:But she would always come
when dad would leave,
299
:she'd come over and help us clean up
the house or clean up the place and help
300
:cook and stuff. And she didn't
want me to ever tell him that.
301
:But she helped out. She was the over
protector and trying to keep me safe.
302
:I said,
303
:whenever you have an over protector and
trying to keep you safe and keep you an
304
:innocent little child,
305
:you usually get somebody that kicks
your butt to make you grow up,
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:because you must have,
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:and maximum growth and development
occurs at the border of support and
308
:challenge. And if you get overprotection,
you get aggression, you get over,
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:you know, support, you get challenge,
you get over ease, you get difficulty.
310
:Whatever you seek that makes
you juveniley dependent,
311
:that become dependent on you attract
the opposite to make sure you grow.
312
:So your father did everything he could
to make you an entrepreneur and to grow
313
:and to do something
independent. And he says, well,
314
:I did become independent young and
I did go on my own. I said, exactly.
315
:He said, I've never perceived my father
in the light that I have just seen now.
316
:I've always seen him as a monster.
I've always wanted to just, you know,
317
:spit on him almost.
318
:But right now I just want to give him a
hug and tell him thank you, I love you.
319
:Now, this is my observation,
320
:deep inside almost every
child is a part that
321
:wants to love the parents.
322
:And deep inside of the parents is a
part that wants to love the child.
323
:But sometimes we don't know the skills
or we don't know how to communicate and
324
:we get self-righteous with our amygdala,
325
:and expect others to live in our values,
326
:and we have unrealistic expectations
and we don't know how to communicate
327
:effectively, so we go to gesture. And
if we don't get gesture of doing it,
328
:we eventually get to aggression and
we end up doing outrageous things with
329
:people, because we
haven't governed ourself.
330
:And that's primarily because we haven't
asked the questions to see the hidden
331
:order in the apparent
chaos. And once we do,
332
:we realize that the
childhood we had was not an
333
:imperfection,
334
:but it was actually giving us the exact
ingredients needed to do something
335
:extraordinary with our life.
336
:I had a girl that was having sex
with her father for many, many years.
337
:And I said, well, what was the
benefits of that? And she goes, well,
338
:there's no benefits of that. And I said,
well, what were the benefits of that?
339
:And she said, well, I realized
I had control over men. I said,
340
:how have you used that? Well, I have
gotten places as a result of that. Great.
341
:And what do you do for a living today?
And she says, well, I'm a nurse. I said,
342
:you have control over men? And she said,
that's most of my patients,
343
:I said, we started to look at
some of the other sides. Now,
344
:am I saying that these behaviors are
good? No. I'm just saying they're events.
345
:And sometimes people get trapped in
these moral boxes about this is good and
346
:bad. And then anything they label
good, they fear the loss of,
347
:anything they label bad, they fear
the gain of, and they're trapped.
348
:And it's almost like a survival mentality.
349
:Instead of seeing that there's two sides
to every event in life and everything
350
:has a place. If it didn't have a place
on the evolution of human beings,
351
:it would've gone extinct. So it must
serve a purpose. The question is is,
352
:what's the purpose?
353
:Just because the average psychologist
or philosopher or thinker hasn't figured
354
:it out, doesn't mean it
doesn't have an upside to it,
355
:because I've helped people find the
upside. And when they find the upside,
356
:they all of a sudden liberated from
that experience and they realize that
357
:there's two sides to every event in their
life and they can transform their life
358
:the moment they have that realization.
359
:So all I can say is that if we take
the time to equilibrate our mind and
360
:ask the questions to
help us see both sides,
361
:we don't have to be victims of
history, we can be masters of destiny.
362
:So right this minute,
363
:if you stop and look at the things you
thought were terrible in your life,
364
:if you look carefully enough, you
can find out how it served you.
365
:It either developed a skill or it helped
you strengthen something or helped you
366
:in some way. If you don't see it, well,
367
:you'll run the story and stay in a victim
of your history and store it in your
368
:subconscious mind and you'll be frightened
of things that associate with it and
369
:looking for its opposite.
370
:You'll be extrinsically run by events
that you've chosen to see only one side
371
:to. But if you take the time to see
both sides and balance the equation,
372
:you set yourself free. And then
you're not run from external stimuli,
373
:you're run from within.
374
:And then the voice and the vision on the
inside is louder than the perceptions
375
:on the outside. So I just want
to say on the message today,
376
:unveiling the perfection of the
so-called imperfect childhood,
377
:that there is maybe more of an order in
your childhood than you ever give credit
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:to. If you have had difficulty finding it,
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:please consider coming to
the Breakthrough Experience.
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:I love helping people find it.
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:I love helping people unveil what that is.
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:Liberate themselves from the
illusion that they may keep storing,
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:unnecessarily. And if you want to run
the story and stay the victim, well okay,
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:that's fine. You have a choice to
do that in life. But deep inside,
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:deep inside, you want out. And
deep inside there's a way out.
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:And that is the questions you ask.
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:And I've been working for
years at accumulating the
questions on how to do that.
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:So if you'd love to come and join
me at the Breakthrough Experience,
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:I'm certain that it can make a
difference. I've taken thousands,
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:I mean literally 120,000 people through
who've had those type of stories and
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:had them come out on the other
side looking at it differently.
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:People that they've never been able to
hug and appreciate and finally able to do
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:it, including themselves. Because
Sometimes the story that you make up,
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:you feel guilty about because you know
it's not the whole picture intuitively.
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:And you would like to set yourself
free. Come join me. I assure you,
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:the Demartini Method,
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:the method I've developed over the years
to ask questions to help you see things
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:you don't see, become conscious
of what you're not conscious of,
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:to make you fully conscious,
which is intuitively empowering,
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:I know works. I've seen it. I
have too many people who use it.
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:And there's thousands of people that
I've trained are using it in thousands of
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:other people's cases.
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:So if you would love to go and
liberate yourself and change the story
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:from an unwanted child,
or a rejected child,
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:or a beaten child or abused child,
or whatever it is, the wounded child,
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:if you want to go and dissolve that,
come to the Breakthrough Experience.
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:Years and years ago I
was doing a show with a
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:gentleman that had started
the wounded child, the,
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:what do you call it? The
dysfunctional family, John Bradshaw.
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:And he was promoting that while he
was still playing the victim of his
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:childhood.
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:He later turned out doing some of
the same things his father had done,
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:which humbled him. And then he started
to realize why his father did that.
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:And he finally made
peace with his parents.
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:And I remember we did a
show together and he says,
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:I can't believe what I used to teach
years ago that everybody's holding onto
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:about the wounded child, It was my own
wounds, and now I don't have that wound,
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:and now I see the magnificence of what
happened and I'm trying to help people
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:see the other side now. I said,
well, that's what I'm doing.
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:I'm trying to help people see the other
side of the equation and balance the
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:equation. He said, yeah, I
couldn't see it. I wanted to play.
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:And then I got a bunch of attention and
I got notoriety for playing the victim,
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:because everybody wanted to play a victim.
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:But I realized I didn't really
help people staying stuck.
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:I help people by liberating them.
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:And I was inspired to hear that because
he had promoted people into the victim
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:world and then turned around later in his
life, he realized it wasn't the power.
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:It's not where the power is.
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:So if you'd like to unveil the
perfection of the so-called imperfect
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:childhood, please consider coming
to the Breakthrough Experience.
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:I know the questions that you will
be asking yourself and answering with
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:accountability, because
I'll help you do that,
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:will be liberating and tear-jerking,
but not tears of sorrow,
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:will turn them into tears of gratitude
for the order that's there in your life.
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:And then you'll realize that it's
all on the way, not in the way.