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You know the six stages your teen moves through when they come out, and the six stages you move through as their parent. But what do you actually do at each one?
This episode was inspired by listener feedback asking for more concrete next steps. Heather walks through a specific action for every single stage on both sides, your teen's process and your own, so you have real moves to make instead of just the ability to name where you are.
In this episode you'll learn how to:
- Take the right action at each of your teen's six stages, from identity confusion through identity synthesis
- Move through your own six stages, from shock and denial to guilt, expression, decision, and acceptance
- Ask the one question that cuts through all of it: what does your child actually want and need from you right now
Press play for the specific moves to make at every stage of coming out, for both of you.
Hi, I’m Heather Hester, and I’m so glad you’re here!
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This is a place to feel messy while you're figuring it out.
At the heart of my work is a deep commitment to compassion, authenticity, and transformative allyship, especially for those navigating the complexities of parenting LGBTQ kids. Through this podcast, speaking, my writing, and the spaces I create, I help people unlearn bias, embrace their full humanity, and grow their capacity for courageous connection.
For parents, allies, and those pioneering a way to lead with love and kindness, I’m here with true, messy, and heartwarming stories, real tools, and grounding support to help you move from fear to fierce, informed action.
Whether you’re listening in, working with me directly, or quietly taking it all in, I see you. And I’m so glad you’re on this journey with me.
More Human. More Kind. formerly Just Breathe: Parenting Your LGBTQ Teen is a safe and supportive podcast in a heartfelt and empowering space where a mom and advocate offers the wisdom of lived experience and practical guidance and education to parents and allies, teaching empathy, kindness, love, and strong boundaries while supporting LGBTQ teens and the diverse LGBTQ community, including gay, lesbian, bisexual, trans, transgender, and queer individuals, through conversations about mental health, grief, gender identity, sexual orientation, human rights, social justice, parenting, parent support, and meaningful LGBTQ allyship and allyship in action.
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Transcripts
In today's episode, you'll discover concrete actions you can take if you or a loved one has just come out as lgbtq, or if you love someone who has just come out as lgbtq.
Speaker A:Welcome to More Human, More Kind, the.
Speaker B:Podcast for parents of LGBTQ kids and anyone trying to stay human in a world that keeps heart hardening.
Speaker B:I'm Heather Hester.
Speaker B:And here we talk about fear, belonging, boundaries, courage, love, and what it means to protect what matters without losing yourself in the process.
Speaker B:Your child doesn't just need a parent who's informed.
Speaker B:They need a parent who is grounded and strong.
Speaker B:Let's take a breath and let's begin.
Speaker A:Welcome to More Human, More Kind.
Speaker A:I'm Heather Hester.
Speaker A:Two weeks ago, I received a review that essentially said that the recent coming out episodes were super helpful for understanding why and the process around coming out, but they were a little thin on what to do next.
Speaker A:They weren't as clear as the reviewer would like.
Speaker A:And I just want to give a shout out to Polish Girl 7 for the feedback and for the review.
Speaker A:I really appreciate it, and so I am delighted today to bring you a full episode of specific actions and support.
Speaker A:So those two coming out episodes gave you the map.
Speaker A:This one will give you more specific moves, more specific routes that you can take.
Speaker A:And by the end of this episode, you'll have specific actions for supporting your team at each stage of coming out, not just the ability to recognize which stage they're in.
Speaker A:And you'll have specific tools for moving through your own six stages, not just naming the stage you're stuck in.
Speaker A:So let's get into it.
Speaker A:In that first stage of identity confusion, you don't need the right words yet.
Speaker A:You just need to be a safe, kind, and open person for them to lean into isolation plus secrecy plus fear is a known risk combination.
Speaker A:Noticing it early and staying open and present without forcing disclosure is itself protective.
Speaker A: The Trevor Project's: Speaker A:That risk, to be clear, is not caused by being lgbtq.
Speaker A:It is driven by mistreatment, stigma, and isolation.
Speaker A:The single biggest counterweight researchers keep finding over and over again is having at least one accepting adult in their life.
Speaker A:So the action for this stage is to figure out all the ways that you can be a trustworthy, kind, and open person, be that accepting adult to someone in your life.
Speaker A:In the second stage of identity comparison, there are two actions you can take here.
Speaker A:The first is to ask questions or make observations that don't require an answer yet.
Speaker A:Something like you seemed like you're carrying something.
Speaker A:I just want you to know that I'm not going anywhere or I'm here whenever you want to talk.
Speaker A:These both land much differently than is something wrong.
Speaker A:Second, do not treat withdrawal as a phase to wait out.
Speaker A:Treat it as something to pay attention to.
Speaker A:Note the ebbs and the flows.
Speaker A:Note if anything alerts your intuition if the withdrawal is severe, meaning it is sustained, resistant to any connection, and accompanied by hopeless language.
Speaker A:At that point, it crosses from identity development to get professional support immediately.
Speaker A:Naming that line clearly matters more than being gentle about it.
Speaker A:In other words, be vigilant and don't be afraid to reach out for help if your gut is telling you something is off.
Speaker A:In the third stage of Identity Tolerance, your main job and thus primary action here is to take pressure off of them.
Speaker A:Have conversations about who they would like to come out to and when, who they want you to tell and who they'd rather not tell at all right now.
Speaker A:Encourage them to talk through their thoughts and feelings about each decision.
Speaker A:Ask them how they feel about joining a group like a gsa.
Speaker A:Not every kid wants a group and that's okay.
Speaker A:So your actions here are really communication, more clear communication and awareness.
Speaker A:You may need to hone these skills and practice is the very best way to do it.
Speaker A:Remember, there is no such thing as being perfect.
Speaker A:You will mess this up and it's in the messing up that you will figure out how to connect and communicate with your teen as they are navigating their own growth and process.
Speaker A:In the fourth stage, Identity Acceptance, your action is to reflect their realizations back to them when you see their sparkle return or they begin to embrace one of their talents, or they show extraordinary emotional maturity or wisdom.
Speaker A:Let them know that you see it.
Speaker A:Tell them how proud you are.
Speaker A:It may not feel like a big thing to you, but having you acknowledge them in a positive way means the absolute world to your child as you do your work and continue to unlearn your biases and remember we all have them.
Speaker A:That's not a judgment statement.
Speaker A:You will continue to see your child in a new light.
Speaker A:Let them know.
Speaker A:Share the small observations.
Speaker A:Again, it may seem small to you, but it means everything to them to be truly seen and loved by you.
Speaker A:In the fifth stage, Identity Pride, your action is to pause.
Speaker A:It's to resist the mama bear or papa bear urge to jump in and rescue your child when they seem to be struggling.
Speaker A:Let them know you are there if or when they need you, and then take a deep breath.
Speaker A:They're learning to say what they believe, to educate the people around them, and to know when to just walk away.
Speaker A:That takes practice.
Speaker A:And if it's feeling particularly messy at home, that's a sign your kid feels safe enough to practice it with you.
Speaker A:Those are the actions for this stage.
Speaker A:Resist the urge to fix and embrace the messiness of practice.
Speaker A:In the sixth stage, identity Synthesis, your action is support.
Speaker A:Familiarize yourself with all of the supports available to you and that pertain to your child.
Speaker A:Continue educating yourself, learning about the LGBTQ community and, when you're ready, about the ways you can advocate for your child and your community and beyond.
Speaker A:This is when you move from parent to parent.
Speaker A:Ally Coming out isn't a single event.
Speaker A:It's a lifelong process that they will cycle through at every major life transition, whether it's college, a new job, a new city, a new relationship.
Speaker A:Knowing that now means you won't be blindsided by it later.
Speaker A:So now we're going to move on to the tools and the actions that might be helpful as you, the parent, or the ally, move through your parallel process.
Speaker A:If you experienced the first stage of shock, give yourself some grace and then go back and repair the situation.
Speaker A:You will say things that you're not proud of.
Speaker A:You'll say the wrong thing.
Speaker A:I promise you.
Speaker A:It happens to all of us.
Speaker A:That's the stage.
Speaker A:It's not the end of the story.
Speaker A:Own it, apologize, and move forward.
Speaker A:If any of these three are difficult for you, there are many resources you can reach for a clergy member or a therapist, or reach out to me.
Speaker A:This is part of the work I do with parents.
Speaker A:At minimum, I can share books, articles, and podcasts that will help support you through your growth.
Speaker A:Moving on to Denial if you notice you still feel hostility, avoidance, indifference, or rejection in yourself, I just want you to pause right here.
Speaker A:This stage has to be processed and acknowledged before you can move forward.
Speaker A:Sometimes all you need is a little time, maybe some journaling, or perhaps just space to identify where the feeling or the feelings are coming from.
Speaker A:Sometimes you may need external guidance from a professional, a clergy member, or a trusted partner or friend.
Speaker A:One immediate action you can take is to name the shape your denial is taking.
Speaker A:Meaning.
Speaker A:What does it feel like?
Speaker A:Does it feel like anger?
Speaker A:Does it feel like disbelief?
Speaker A:Does it feel like rejection?
Speaker A:Write it down, whatever it is, and it can be messy.
Speaker A:It should be messy.
Speaker A:It can be a page filled with incomplete thoughts and feelings.
Speaker A:Just get it out of your body and onto paper and then sit with it.
Speaker A:Do you feel like you can move forward or are there more layers of denial surfacing?
Speaker A:Cycle through this process until you feel any able to move forward.
Speaker A:If you get stuck, that is when guidance from a trusted external source becomes helpful.
Speaker A:Another potential stage and very big feeling that might appear for you in your process is guilt.
Speaker A:The initial action here is similar to the one for denial.
Speaker A:Write down every thought and feeling on paper.
Speaker A:A common question that I get is can I type it in my notes app or other digital journaling space?
Speaker A:And the answer is yes, of course.
Speaker A:However, know that there is something special that happens in your brain when you physically write.
Speaker A:Something that helps you connect with that feeling and process process it better.
Speaker A:So my advice is to opt for paper when it is an option.
Speaker A:Guilt can show up in sneaky ways and it may hover for a while.
Speaker A:Get it all out on paper, then stop looking for something you did wrong, stop blaming yourself, and if you're stuck in a shame spiral, seek guidance.
Speaker A:A parallel stage to denial and guilt is expression.
Speaker A:This stage is a combination of awareness and action.
Speaker A:Find a quiet place to express everything you are feeling.
Speaker A:The sky is the limit here.
Speaker A:It could be through writing.
Speaker A:It could be through exercise like yoga, or running or biking, or anything that allows you to process through your thoughts while you're doing could be through art.
Speaker A:Think of a positive outlet where you can express.
Speaker A:Alternatively, here you can find a person you feel comfortable with and talk it through.
Speaker A:If you are worried about what might come out of your mouth to your kid directly in this expression stage, use one of these above options to process through what you're feeling.
Speaker A:You may stay here for a while too, alternating between awareness and positive expression activities.
Speaker A:Please also keep in mind that your child may be going through their own process too.
Speaker A:As you expand your capacity for awareness, you will be able to more easily hold what they are going through alongside what you are going through.
Speaker A:The fifth stage in the parent process is an action in itself, making a decision about where you are and where you are going.
Speaker A:There are three places you might land.
Speaker A:The first is the supportive parent, where the air is cleared and the trust is rebuilt.
Speaker A:No more action needed here, just ready to move forward.
Speaker A:The second is you feel like you expressed everything but you're not quite ready to go further yet and that's okay.
Speaker A:That is self awareness.
Speaker A:Your action is to keep working through it with a professional or a trusted friend.
Speaker A:And the third place you might land is just complete indecision or disagreement or even uncertainty.
Speaker A:If that's you Take a moment and get curious about what is actually underneath it.
Speaker A:Does it feel like fear?
Speaker A:Is it a religious belief?
Speaker A:A political stance?
Speaker A:Give yourself time to look at it honestly.
Speaker A:Try going to a parents meeting like PFLAG or having coffee with another parent who's been through it.
Speaker A:There are a ton of books on the topic.
Speaker A:Reach out to me and let me know where you are stuck and I'd be happy to recommend a few.
Speaker A:I'd also be happy to work with you.
Speaker A:The goal is to stop the fighting and find the resources to move through this stage.
Speaker A:Once you have done the work and process through all of these stages, you likely feel a peaceful acceptance.
Speaker A:Take a moment to acknowledge how far you've come.
Speaker A:Growth and expansion are hard work, so well done.
Speaker A:Think about where your relationship with your child is now compared to when you first found out.
Speaker A:You will of course continue to grow.
Speaker A:Perhaps your belief structure has shifted.
Speaker A:Maybe you see the world and other human beings in a whole new beautiful light.
Speaker A:Maybe your capacities to hold many truths at one time has expanded in a way you never imagined it would.
Speaker A:Take a big deep breath.
Speaker A:Appreciate where you are and your ability to embrace your child and yourself in ways that once seemed impossible.
Speaker A:If you only do one thing.
Speaker A:Ask your child what they most want and need from you and then give them a few options.
Speaker A:That open ended question can sometimes be hard to answer for them.
Speaker A:Do they want you to be available to listen?
Speaker A:Do they want you to do your own homework because it is too hard for them right now to be your source of information?
Speaker A:Do they need for you to help them find a specific kind of support?
Speaker A:Fill in the blanks with what feels most appropriate for your child right now.
Speaker A:I want to thank polishgirl7 again for the helpful feedback.
Speaker A:It was fun to put together this comprehensive action episode.
Speaker A:If you found this episode to be helpful, help the podcast reach 100 reviews.
Speaker A:It's the very best way to reach the next parent who needs it and combat all of the harmful information that is out there.
Speaker A:Free guides and supports are [email protected] starthere or click the link at the top of the show Notes until next time.
Speaker A:Keep becoming a little more human and a little more kind.
Speaker A:Of.
