Cracking the Code of Authentic Friendships with Coach Lee Hopkins

🎙️ In this podcast episode, I had the pleasure of hosting Coach Lee Hopkins, a friendship coach helping individuals find meaningful connections. Coach Lee shares his inspiring journey to authenticity and emphasizes the significance of genuine friendships and meaningful conversations in our lives.

In this episode we get curious about:

• Journey to Authenticity
• Value of Authentic Friendships
• Meaningful Conversations
• Upward Spiral in Personal Growth
• The Role of a Friendship CoachTo learn more about our guest:

Website: PatternsofPossibility.com

Free Resource: Making Meaningful Connections Workbook (pdf)

YouTube: Patterns of Possibility

IG: @PatternsofPossibility

Recommended Book(s):

The Celestine Prophecy by James Redfield

Credits

Audio Engineer: Sam Wittig

Music: Where the Light Is by Lemon Music Studio

Photography & Design: Asha McLaughlin/Tej Art

To learn more about Laurin Wittig and her work: HeartLight Wellness

Copyright 2024 Laurin Wittig

Interview Episode with Lee Hopkins

On a certain level, you're going to interact with people who are vibrating at that level. Right. And so raising your vibration will allow you to experience things that you've never experienced before and see situations and people that you wouldn't have realized if you were in a different state of mind or vibration.

Laurin: Hello friends. And welcome back to curiously wise. I'm Laurin Wittig, your host. And today I have a really awesome guest. I know I say that all the time, but all of my guests are really awesome and I have really enjoyed getting to know coach Lee. Hopkins. I always want to say Lee Harris and you are not Lee Harris.

And I just. I love that name. Welcome to the podcast.

Coach Lee Hopkins: Thank you so much, Laurin. I'm so glad to be one of your awesome guests that's here today.

Laurin: Yeah. You're joining a tribe of awesome people. I just, yeah, I, I never have anything but a lot of fun with these conversations. So I want to just start with, you have a very interesting journey to finding your authentic self.

Yes. And that's a journey I've been on in my life as well. It's a as I said to you a few minutes ago, it's been a value of mine to be authentic, but I didn't know how to be authentic for a long time. And I'm still, you know, fine tuning that for sure, for sure. So tell us how you got to where you feel like you can live an authentic life now.

That's why I'm a friendship coach on the problems. I had, I realized that everybody else was making friends, but there was something wrong with me. It seemed like there was something wrong with me and the adults in my life had said, it's giving me the stage advice. Be your authentic self and like, no, because they don't like me, it must be wrong.

So, I started moving around from place to place. So I grew up in Ohio. And I moved all within Ohio when I realized that there are people, I joined friendship groups and people wouldn't like me. And they gave me any inkling of the fact that they didn't like me, I was like, this is not my tribe. These are not my people.

I can't be authentic in this space. And so I would just move and move. And I ended up in California and ended up in Chicago where I am now, just trying to find people who would accept me for who I was. People couldn't accept me because I didn't need to accept me. And that's the piece that's, that is really the authenticity piece.

Laurin: Yeah. Yeah. So it's, I know I always felt like an outcast and, and I was, I was a very nerdy, I was the girl in the front of the class that had all the answers to all the questions. And so nobody liked me either. And I always felt like I didn't. Didn't really fit in anywhere.

And like you, I had been taught now I'm, I'm a child of the sixties. So it, you know, I was taught that this is, you know, this is how you make friends. And these are the people who should be your friends because they were the children of my parents’ friends kinds of things. But I never really fit in and I was miserable a lot of the time.

So I understand it's, I think it's something that's pretty common. It's hard when you're, especially when you're beginning to go through puberty. And everything is changing to know really who you are, who your authentic self is.

And I transitioned in my early 30s, because I thought that That was going to make me become my authentic self. I've been searching. I've been looking high and low. I've been moving from group to group. I've been trying different things. I've been picking up different hobbies. Changing the way I look. Changing what I talk about. Changing who I date. But this one thing was going to do it for me.

I was convinced, I knew it. This was about eight years ago when I knew this as truth. As soon as I change, my whole life is going to change. Everybody's going to start liking me now because this is authenticity. And come on. I just can't stop. I can't, I can't. That person who I was eight years ago was super convinced.

And I say that authenticity at its root, this is, this is the process. It's part of the process to get to me understanding this definition of authenticity. And for me, authenticity is simply acknowledging your feelings and expressing them fully.

That's it. If you're in a space, yeah, if you're in a space in which you can't do that, then you're going to have difficulty with that authenticity piece.

Laurin: I'm writing that down because I, I love that.

Coach Lee: Well, thank you. And I, I can go on just for a moment.

Laurin: Yeah, keep going.

I would make the same choices because this is right for me. Absolutely right for me. The expression of this is right for me.

So one of the most loneliest times that I've, loneliest times in my life, and I've been lonely many, many times, was when I transitioned. I am as you see me now. And I joined a group of people who went through this process. 1% of our population goes to this physical transition of becoming their true self or, or changing genders.

And I was in that group and I couldn't be myself. That's when I knew that this was not authenticity. It wasn't outward. It was inward. Yeah. I always felt I needed to hide something.

Coach Lee: Yeah. You know, Laurin, I was just so tired and fatigued of having the same feelings around the people that I was with. So if the universe is a reflection or provides a reflection of who you are and your experiences, I was always around people who didn't validate my feelings. And as soon as I, I recognize that, and it's not that they intentionally tried to harm me, it's just that they couldn't understand how I felt about my experiences.

And I also had trouble communicating my experiences to them. So when I started to realize that meeting people in the bars, meeting people at clubs. Meeting people in places in which we can’t talk about anything that’s important to me.

Why am I not excited about people inviting me to events? That's because I don't want to go with them. I don't want to talk about nothing. I want to talk about me. I want to talk about what's important to me. I want to talk about how I feel about things and I can't do it with these people. So the scariest part happened where I was just afraid if I don't talk to these people, I'm going to be alone.

Well, Coach Lee in those spaces. You do feel alone. So why don't you be alone and work it out with yourself?

It's a very powerful change that happens inside, at least it was for me. I got a lot more comfortable [00:11:00] being myself. I, I, I used to cry a lot and I got really comfortable crying in front of other people. You know, so it was just, it was it's really, I think it's really an important thing for everybody to think about is the value of your friends.

Are they just people you hang out with and, and, you know, and you like them, but there's nothing really deep going on. Or are they people that are, are supporting you and feeding your soul?

Coach Lee: Right.

Laurin: And so I, I'm so glad that you figured that out.

Coach Lee: Absolutely. And same to you, Laurin, because I believe that we need those people and it takes, it really does take time to find those people.

Laurin: Yeah. And I enjoy spending a little time with them. Yeah. Absolutely. They're great for conversation. And that, that is very valuable because you're, you're one awesome friend who really knows you deeply, can't do everything for you, can't be everything as well. So it's really great to have those people.

But don't stop there. Don't stop where you just you're just talking about nothing. And I say talking about nothing as in it doesn't really strike your feelings like you can't feel anything deeply from it. It's a conversation that you'll have and forget, right?

Laurin: Right. Right. And for me often, it's it's not teaching me anything.

Coach Lee: Yes. You get to learn so much about yourself.

And that's what that group gave me. That's why I created this podcast because during the pandemic, I lost that group because we were very connected to being in person and it just didn't translate very well. But I was like, I need, I need those people. And I had one friend that we just set up every other week we'd have a two hour zoom call to talk about deep stuff. Yeah. So this, but that one of the real impetuses behind Curiously wise was I wanted to have these deep, I call them juicy, conversations. And now I get to do it with people who I don't even know until I meet them here. So it's been a really beautiful way to expand that, that deep connection kind of conversation that I yearn for.

So

And it's just like, it just goes to show that there are so many people out there that you can really connect with and only happens if you become your authentic self, be real with your feelings and what you really need for yourself. Otherwise. I couldn't have this conversation with you. I would deny everything about who I am.

In fact. I created a friendship with a coworker who I really enjoyed a whole lot, but they had no idea that I was trans. I didn't want to tell them. I need to keep it a secret from everybody in the office. I just wanted to make friendships and connect with people. And sure enough, I met his wife, I met his kids, and we had a nice connection.

No, it hurt that I got rejected and I wanted to tell my friend about it. I wanted some emotional support and I did tell him that I got rejected, but he's just said, well, I don't get it. You're not that bad looking. Well. Right? Because he didn't know that I was getting rejected because I'm trans. Yeah.

Yes.

Lee: Yeah. I like who I am.

Laurin: Yeah, I like who you are too. Thank you.

Lee: I'm not that I'm not that bad looking either.

Laurin: No, you're cute.Yeah, no, you're, you're, I would say adorable. I'm in my 60s. I can call you adorable when you're like

Lee: I accept that. I think it's true to you.

Laurin: Yeah, you have that beautiful smile and the great energy about you. And yeah, yeah. You're adorable. So and I'm, I'm a little embarrassed saying that because I feel like, well, maybe I shouldn't say that, but it's how I feel so I'm just going to let you know.

Coach Lee: And it's very well received here too.

Laurin: I told you we would smile and laugh a lot, didn't I?

Coach Lee: Yes, we did. My cheeks.

It's okay that we're not perfect . Mm-hmm. , you know, those of us who were people pleasers, we had to be perfect. Mm-hmm. or we were not gonna please them. So it's sort of imperfectly perfect.

Coach Lee: Right. You know? Right. Yeah. Right.

Laurin: So it's it's, it's so freeing when you get comfortable with it.

I was going to go to new places and I was going to have a new mindset as I learned some from therapy that a positive mindset is what you need to connect with people. And I was just getting in touch with my own feelings and understanding what they are. So I had this idea. I'm going to go to this comedy club, and I'm going to strike up a conversation with 1 person and we're going to have a great time.

And I did that. I did. We had a great conversation for about 20 minutes. And I also knew that being authentic was sharing the truth of who I am, essentially, being trans. That's what I thought it was, sharing that. And I wanted to share it with him so that we can connect even deeper. You know, I want to be upfront with him.

He didn't know, he wasn't, he didn't have any animosity, he just didn't know. And I could fill that knowledge gap for him, and as I reveal my authentic self, we can be friends because we had such great conversation already. And sure enough. I tell him I'm trans and he freaks out like his face just like just like that.

Right? And he leaves. He leaves. He didn't say anything to me. In fact, he leaves the venue. He's so shocked or whatever. He leaves the venue.

Now, the Lee back then was, was devastated. I had all this positive energy mindset. I'm going to reveal my authentic self. And this is probably the, the thing that made me, not want to share me being trans anymore.

I was so desperate, but I had to let that go. And. I only, I share that story because when you are your authentic self and you know that, then you know that that person just wasn't for you.

That person just wasn't meant to be my friend at that point in time. Right. Perhaps they will return in this, in these times. And I will not deny the fact that I'm trans to connect with him, but I can tell you for certain, if he had said any other word to me, I would have said. I'm so sorry to talk about being trans.

I will never talk about it again. I will deny everything about who I am so we can hang out.

Laurin: Oh my gosh.

Coach Lee: Right.

Laurin: So it was kind of a gift that he left then. Yes. It lets you reflect on what you would have done.

Coach Lee: Absolutely.

Laurin: And choose not to do that in the future.

That's what I've been doing before. Like denying everything about how I felt about things to be with people that Don't talk about anything that are important to me.

Lee: Yeah. Yeah. It's funny how the universe will bring us those lessons when we need them, you know, and they bring them back to make sure we got it.

I think I always think of this and I use this all the time. I think of, of healing, the healing work that we do for ourselves as a spiral, as an upward spiral. So we start down here with the really heavy duty stuff and we don't know what to do. It takes us a long time to work through it, but then we start to make progress, but then we come back, we spiral up and we come back and, Oh, here's another iteration of that same lesson.

It's usually a little bit easier. You usually recognize it a little bit faster. You get through it, and then you spiral up to the next time, and then you come back to it. And it's another iteration. It's, maybe it's a different circumstance, or a different person, but it's another iteration of that same energy.

Coach Lee: I love that. I love that.

Laurin: Yeah. Yeah. So it's, I had to learn that because, and I don't even remember where I came up with that or where I learned it from, but I would get really upset because it's like, I thought I learned that lesson. I thought I worked that one out.

I thought I healed that problem and here it is again. Okay. I learned finally, it's like peeling an onion, you know? You get the outer one on and then the next one, you gotta, can I work through that? So it's, it's it's something that I have to remind a lot of my clients that this is a process and it's, and we are always a work in process.

Coach Lee: Yeah. Yeah. I love, I love that it, it, it sounds like, you know, the patterns of possibility essentially seeing another pattern, seeing a pattern that like this upward spiral though, that we're going because I, as you talked, I was thinking about, wow, you know, I've had these experiences. I've been around people, and this is fairly new because I'm still out there connecting with people and making friends, that experience that I described to you about this person who rejected me happened more than, I don't know, six years ago.

And the idea is that I'm not getting rejected is. They're offering me something that I don't want. What are you going to do with it? Are you going to pretend that you want to be in that space and give up your real feelings or not?

And so what you said, I think really applies to, to me in my life. And I like the way, well, everybody, I'm like, I'm going to say everybody, everybody, everybody and beyond. We're, we're, we're going, we're going this way. We're doing this. Yeah. And I just find it very insightful. Thank you.

Laurin: Yeah. And it's, I find I, once I understood that that was the process and I like the upward spiral because I do feel every time I come through one of these events. I'm repeating it, but it's a simpler method or I'm seeing it sooner.

Coach Lee:n Oh yeah.

Laurin: So, so I like that the upward spiral too, I think is a good, a good visual for what you're actually doing. You're raising your vibration as you move through these things with greater and greater ease.

Coach Lee: Yes. So the raising of vibration and then, you know, you'll see different things and so you'll start interacting with different, that's what, that's what I believe about vibration, you know, when you.

On a, when you're on the, on a certain level, you're going to interact with people who are vibrating at that level.

Laurin: Right.

Coach Lee: And so raising your vibration will allow you to experience things that you've never experienced before and see situations and people that you wouldn't have realized if you were in a different state of mind or vibration.

Laurin: Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. And state of mind and vibration is very connected. It's, you know, they're, they're joined very closely.

But I also know that the string theory just a little. Yes. Oh, quantum. Yeah. Quantum physics.

Laurin: They're catching up. They are. They're figuring it out.Yeah. Yeah. As a healer, I work primarily remotely with people because I can connect with their energy and around the world. You know, so and so quantum physics explains why that's possible. And I love that the scientists are finally going, you know what, all this woo woo stuff, they're onto something.

Coach Lee: Yes. They're starting to get it. Yeah.

Yeah.

Coach Lee: Well, I'm selfish. And I honestly believe that's the only way that we should live. I want to take the stigma out of selfishness and that this idea of being selfless isn't something that I subscribe to where you're doing things for the sake of doing for helping another person, but when you help another person, it should satisfy you in some way.

And so that's what I do with this coaching, or that's why I got started in it because as I started to learn more about myself and what I wanted, I realized that there were a lot of people who weren't able to do it. So when I say what I want, I want people to talk about their feelings in a genuine way. I want them to not hide or not mislead or or not be sarcastic.

They don't know how. And so I realized that, well, I want a friend who can do that. And so if I, if I want people who can do that, it'd be advantageous for me. It would be a great benefit to show them how to do it. And then I realized that people really wanted me to do this as a business, like I, there's a really a demand for it.

So. Yeah, that's how I got started in it.

Laurin: Cool. So if somebody were to come and work with you, what does that, what does that look like?

Coach Lee: Well, since I'm working with friendships, the first thing I'd want to do is identify what kind of friendship are you looking for? And if you're working with me, my goal is definitely going to get you to create.

It still involves the skill of opening up and being honest with yourself and being honest with them about your feelings still involves that skill. So, when you're working with me, we'll, we'll talk about what it is that you want. We'll make sure that we go to the set a game plan to go to the right places to meet the kind of people that you want and work on the skill set of being open and authentic and talking to them.

Coach Lee: Absolutely. I'm struggling. Honestly, I'm struggling with the idea of friendship coach because there's so many people who hear friendship and like, like you said, it's undervalued. They don't. They don't believe that they need a friend, or they have a friend which doesn't provide them any value.

No romantic interest that just messes, makes it a little messier.

Laurin: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Cause friendship is I've, I've been one who usually has one really close friend and that's been true cyclically in my life, you know, it's like I did when I was in elementary school and then I did in college or in high school.

And then I kind of didn't in college. But I've had one as an adult for she and I have been really close friends for over two decades. Wow. Now she lives in a different place. We don't see each other all that often. We both have busy lives, so we don't spend a whole lot of time together, but boy, when we get together, oh my God, we pick it right up where we left it off.

Yeah. But you need those people in your life who you don't have to have the romantic relationship with. Because like you said, that does, that creates another layer of complexity.

Coach Lee: Yeah, absolutely. And then, and then also, I don't care who you are, but if you are in a romantic relationship, they're going to get on your nerves.

Yep. You need somebody to talk to about them.

Laurin: Exactly.

Coach Lee: You need somebody to help you troubleshoot your other relationship. Like, so you got a best friend that tells you, Oh girl, you're wrong, or girl, you could try this, or I can't believe he did that. Somebody there talk to you about it.

Coach Lee: You need to go and another, and you can also get some insight on what you might be doing. Cause they've probably heard you say it for the fifth time that yes, do you have done something, and you just have not noticed, you have not noticed, but they're like, I've got you cause I'm your good friend. And I'm going to tell you this hard thing.

Laurin: Yes. , yeah. Mm-hmm. . Yeah. They hold, hold you to it. They, my, I mean, this friend of mine knows me better than I know myself and she'll go, Laurin… she's got a look. She's got a look. You're doing it again. It's like, damn it, I thought I had figured that one out. You know? But she's, she's not judgmental about it. She's just Right. Being, you know, she's, she's being the, an observer for me.

Yes, because we don't, we often don't see ourselves very clearly.

Laurin: Yeah. Yeah. Those, those friends are very valuable and, and sometimes they can be siblings, but more often they're, they're people that are not in your family that can have a different kind of perspective on, on you and your life. And it's very valuable. And I don't, I, I don't see our culture valuing friendship.

Coach Lee: Not at all. Not at all. And I want to say it baffles me, but it's just that we value a lot of things over the wellness of our person. Right. So that's. Not a surprise that our relationships with people wouldn't be something we value as much. we, we value hustle culture, be, be busy, busy, busy over your health.Don't sleep when you need to kind of kind of need to sleep. I kind of need to eat to eat healthy things.

Coach Lee: There you go!

Laurin: It's, it's funny. We got to go to Europe last summer to France, Italy, and Scot and Switzerland. We were doing the Tour du Mont Blanc hike. I lasted one day and then my knees gave out. My husband did the whole thing. But being in France for a couple of weeks, I had been a student there in college, reminded me how they really honor a meal.

You know, it's a slow event. You are, you are not hustled, hustled out of there. You come and you stay as long as you want and people will stay for a couple of hours. You eat several courses, but they're small. So you're having conversation, you've got a glass of wine and you're, it's, it's an, it's a social time to share a meal.

Coach Lee: Yeah, that, that is beautiful. And I, I've been thinking, I'm going to take this with me. And the next time someone says, how can you start cultivating more friendships? I'm going to say, be intentional about the food that you eat and with the people with the people that you have, like, don't rush yourself around it because I know it's been a habit for me and especially, you know, in this culture and being single too.

It's just like, I'm just going to eat my food really quick and then get back to whatever I was doing. That wasn't really fulfilling. Anyway. So yeah. Yeah.

And everybody stopped and went down to the cafeteria and had a cup of coffee or a cup of tea and a little something to eat and sat around. We would go with the, with the team that I worked with and we just sit around and, and shoot the breeze and, you know, and, and talk to each other as people, not as coworkers kind of thing.

It was amazing. You know, it's that same idea of there's more to life than work. And it's the people and the food that are important.

Coach Lee: Yes. That is, I'm blown away by it. Honestly. I'm, I'm like, wow, that is such a beautiful idea to actually allow people, that not allow that, that, that word is not correct.

Encourage. Encourage people to be themselves because you said your whole team went down there. Yeah. I can just imagine like. Back at my job, they were like, have you gotten your reports done yet? Yeah.

And when Americans got, when we got work there, we didn't want to go anywhere else. I only left because I had a baby and I was going to stay home with her. But but yeah, it was, it was an amazing. cultural understanding that we need that time to relate to each other and to enjoy food together. It's very nurturing.

Yes. We're nurturing minds, mind, body, and spirit when we're doing that. And and it's, I, I forget how lovely that. That, that little, you know, 45 minutes or so was in that part of the day where you're like, I'm done, I'm spent. And, and, you know, okay, go have, go have a little time to be people. And then come back and you can, you know, finish up whatever you need to do in the next 30 minutes.

Coach Lee: I'm going to take that.

Lee: It's it, it shocked me how much impact that made on me this last summer. And it's not something I have brought into my life yet, but not talking to you now, I'm reminding myself. It's like, yeah, we need to do more of that.

We we used to give before the pandemic, we used to do dinner parties every now and then. And it was great. Cause we did, we just sit around the table and talk and enjoy meal and.

Coach Lee: This is beautiful. Yeah, because I just recently created meet up so we can do things in person. And this is definitely going to be one of the things that I'd like to do in person.

So I probably the idea was to have a potluck and structure it in a way of a kind of a party thing, though, where people are kind of walking around. But I think Based on what you've said, we need to be more intentional about having conversation with each other sitting down. Yes. I think I'm going to take that and run with it.

Coach Lee: Yes.

Laurin: Yeah. It's, it's I mean, I grew up in a family of storytellers. I grew up in the deep South, grew up in Mississippi. That's where both sides of my family are from. And and they're, they're raconteurs, you know? And so I remember sitting around the dinner table with my parents, just regular dinner. And telling stories and cracking jokes and, and then they'd have these ginormous dinner parties that would go on for hours.

And because I was a good little girl, I got to sit at the table and listen to all the conversation.

Coach Lee: Oh, wow.

Laurin: So it's, you know, when you're, when you're really the only child, you get to do things that, with the adults more. But that, that generated a love for me of that sitting around the table, you know, you're probably done eating, but nobody wants to get up and walk away because you're just having so much fun talking to each other and being present.

Coach Lee: I love that idea so much. Yeah.

Laurin: Yeah. It's food's a great way to come together. And a potluck I love because everybody kind of gets to bring their specialty. Yes. All right. Well, this is, I told you this was going to be fun. We've had a great conversation.

Coach Lee: We sure did.

Laurin: So, I have I have one question I'm asking everybody this season and that is, is there a must read book that you'd like to recommend?

Coach Lee: Well, the must-read book that I'd like to recommend is called The Celestine Prophecy. I just happened to have it here because I finished it fairly recently. The Celestine Prophecy.

And although this is, I think it really works well because it is in novel form, it really highlights how that is something that happens in real life. And if you're looking for these synchronicities, you can find them in your life too. So.

Laurin: Absolutely. Yes. Absolutely.

Coach Lee: The little lessons. Yeah, the lessons that you learned.

Laurin: And the more you are aware. The more you find, looking, is there, is there something that's synchro synchronous synchronous? That's the word now. Yeah. I find them all the time in my life. It's, I mean, it's amazing. So, thank you for sharing that. I have not read that. I've heard of it, but I have not read it. So, I'm going to have to, I'm going to have so many books to read this year. All right. Lee, can you tell the listeners where they can find you?

Check it out. If you go to Patternsofpossibility.com is about having meaningful conversation, how to get it started. Skip the small. Skip the small talk and speak from the heart. And you can find me on all social media at PatternsOfPossibility as well. Once again, Patternsofpossibility.com.

Laurin: Excellent. Excellent. All right. Well, I want to thank you for, for being here today. This has been such a treat. I'm so glad that you reached out to me, because I feel like… I have, I have learned so much from you, but I also feel like I've learned, as you just said, a lot about myself as I'm reflecting on these things, especially the eating thing.

So so I always, yeah, I love, I love these conversations. I always learn something and I always feel like I walk away with a new friend.

So

Coach Lee: Same, thank you so much. It feels really great to hear that.

And I hope that you will go check out Patterns of Possibility with Coach Lee Hopkins. I think he's adorable, but I also think he's really brilliant. So I've embarrassed him again. Until next time, every Tuesday we have a new episode and I hope you'll join us again. Have a great day and stay curious.

Laurin: Thank you so much for joining us today on Curiously Wise. I hope this conversation has left you feeling inspired and curious about the world around and within you. After all, curiosity is the key to growth and understanding. So keep asking questions and exploring new ideas. If you enjoyed this episode, please consider subscribing and or leaving a review.