Dear Listener, are you diving into the online dating world and wondering, What are the odds of dating apps working?

According to a 2019 Pew Research study:

• 23% of US singles find themselves a date online.
• A promising 10% report that they found a long-term partner online.

In addition, a 2017 Stanford University survey found that 39% of heterosexual singles met via online dating, up from just 2% in 1995!

Is it worth it to date online? It really depends, so listen now to hear our nuanced breakdown of the pros and cons.

Let’s assume you’re ready to plunge into online dating and wonder, Which apps should I be on? We explore your options, including:

• Swipe-based apps like Tinder and Hinge.
• Algorithm-based sites such as Match.com and eHarmony

We give you the low-down on why you might opt for one type of app over the other, which are the most popular, and whether niche dating apps are worthwhile.

Jes addresses a common question for our dear male listeners: Are there any dating apps that work for guys? Spoiler: The answer is more about how you engage on the app than on the app’s demographics.

We address how many dating apps you should use at a time and how much time to spend on dating apps.

Are you already on the apps and not getting matches? We offer high-level tips on how to get more and better matches.  We’ll dive into more depth on profile, picture, swiping, and messaging tips in the next episode of this series.

Lastly, we address a concern that we often hear from older singles – how to stay safe and avoid getting scammed or catfished when online dating.

Key Takeaways

00:00 - Intro

01:30 - What are the odd of dating apps actually working?

05:55 - Is it worth it to date online?

12:51 - Which apps should I be on?

19:04 - How many dating apps should I use at a time?

21:59 - Are there any dating apps that actually work for guys?

23:34 - Why am I not getting matches and how do I get better matches?

32:16 - What can I do to avoid getting duped/catfished/scammed in online dating?

38:34 - How much time should you spend on online dating?

45:32 - Summary

Resources and links

For full show notes with links, visit relationshipcenter.com/podcast

Pew Research - From Looking for Love to Swiping the Field: Online Dating in the U.S.

Disintermediating your friends: How Online Dating in the United States displaces other ways of meeting

Ep. 2 - What to Look for in a Long-Term Partner

What to Look for in Partner free guide

Ep. 5 - How to avoid online dating burnout

Love our show? We love you, too! Stay in touch between episodes by signing up for our newsletter at relationshipcenter.com/newsletter

From the Relationship Center, I'm psychotherapist, couples counselor, and

2

dating coach Jessica Engle, and this is I

Love You, Too, a show about how to create

3

and sustain meaningful relationships.

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Josh: I'm dating and relationship

coach Josh Van Vliet.

5

On today's episode, we're going

to talk about all of the ins

6

and outs of online dating.

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We're so happy you're here and please

remember that the show is not a

8

substitute for a relationship with a

licensed mental health professional.

9

Hello and welcome dear listener.

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We are so excited that you're joining us

today for our first episode in what will

11

it be at least a two part series, maybe

three, we'll see, all about online dating.

12

We're going to be diving into

questions like, what are the odds

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of online dating apps working?

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And why aren't you getting matches?

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Or how could you get better matches?

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We'll be drawing upon both our personal

and professional experience as well as

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research to answer all of these questions

all with the aim to help you get set

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up for success with online dating.

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Jessica: Yes.

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Very exciting topic.

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Before we get started if you love

our show, well, we love you too.

22

And we want to be in

touch between episodes.

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To get more free dating, relationship,

and social anxiety advice,

24

please go to relationshipcenter.

25

com slash newsletter.

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Okay, on with the show.

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Josh: All right.

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We're going to start with, what are

the odds of online dating apps working?

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Mm

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Jessica: hmm.

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Yes, is it even worth it?

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I hear.

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Should we bother?

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Josh: Yeah.

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Or is this a waste of my time?

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An addictive rabbit hole from

which I will never escape.

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Yes.

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Jessica: Yes.

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So, we're going to go over

some stats for online dating.

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A lot of it's going to come from Pew

Research throughout this episode.

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We will link you to a couple of really

great studies in the show notes so

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let's take a look first at what Pew

Research says about how common it is

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to use online dating and also to find

a relationship through online dating.

44

We are assuming you, dear listener, are

seeking a healthy long term relationship,

45

both because that's what we talk a lot

about on this show, and because according

46

to some reports 70, 80 percent of singles

are looking for something that lasts.

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And it's on the upper end of that

range if you are a younger single

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actually, which I think a lot

of people would be surprised by.

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Interesting.

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Yeah.

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Yeah.

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So, we're assuming that for you,

when you're, if you are asking

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what are the odds of dating

apps working, you mean finding a

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committed long term relationship.

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And let's just start

with a very basic stat.

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About 23 percent of US singles

reported that they had gone on

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at least one date with someone

they met through online dating.

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So, one out of four.

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Has not just online

dating, but gone on a date.

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Okay.

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That's a good start.

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That's a pretty good start.

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And then 10 percent of adults who are

married, living with a partner, or

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in a committed romantic relationship

met their current significant

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other through a dating site or app.

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1 in 10.

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The odds are even better for

lesbian, bisexual, and gay 30.

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So 1 in 5 partnered adults under 30 met

their current spouse on a dating site,

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and a quarter of partnered lesbian,

gay, bisexual adults met online.

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We should also note that online

dating app use is on the rise.

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So back in 2013, only 1 in 10

had ever used online dating.

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In a recent study I think this

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3 in 10 have used online dating.

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Mm hmm.

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So quite an increase and that

is only gonna keep going up.

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Josh: Yeah.

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Okay?

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Jessica: So, oh and one more stat

actually, a Stanford University

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survey of 5, 421 heterosexual US

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percent had met via online dating.

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Which was up from 2 percent in 1995.

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Josh: So, my takeaway

from that, at least, is...

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It's a decent way to find somebody if

you're looking for a long term partner.

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Jessica: I think that is a wonderful

takeaway, and I would, I would

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personally just expect that all

these stats you're hearing, it's

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only gonna increase over time.

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Josh: Right?

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Yeah.

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Yeah, it's, I think it's really

interesting to hear these statistics

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because I know for a lot of people,

the experience of online dating can

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often be a lot of not what they want.

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Yes.

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Yes.

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And it can feel like this.

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you know, hellish rabbit hole where

you're just swiping and going on

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dates that aren't exciting and

you're not really making a lot of

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progress towards what you really want.

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And yet dating is the kind of thing

that in some ways it only takes one.

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Right.

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You know, you really, you know, for

people who are looking for a monogamous

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relationship, at least, you're only

looking for one long term partner.

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Right.

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And so you can go through

a lot of not success.

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Before you find success.

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And these stats are very, I

think, at least for me reassuring.

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It's like, yeah, a lot of people are

finding long term relationships from

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online dating and going on to have

successful relationships from it.

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Jessica: Yeah, absolutely.

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I think that's such a great point.

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The way that I've put it in the past

is dating sometimes can feel like

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an all winning or all losing game.

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Yeah, exactly.

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You're losing, losing,

losing, losing until you win.

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You know, it's not really a

winning or losing thing, but

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I think you get what I mean.

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But this research is really

confirming you can hold on to hope.

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There's a, a lot of possibility

for meeting someone online.

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Josh: Mm-hmm.

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. So you might, in some ways this might

already start to answer the next

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natural question of like, is it worth

it to date online on, you know, this

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is one important point of it's at

least possible to find a successful

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relationship from dating online.

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Yes.

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It's good to know that.

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Absolutely.

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There are some other things that

you might want to consider as well

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when you're thinking about whether

it's worth it for you personally to

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date online, because I think this

is a very personal question, right?

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It's different for each

person, whether it's worth it.

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And, you know, in addition to what you

just shared in terms of statistics,

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I'll share a couple more statistics

in a moment, but I think first it's

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helpful to zoom out and look at how do

you like to connect with people, right?

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What tends to help you feel comfortable

and relaxed enough to connect?

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I know for me personally, when I was

dating, I really liked online dating.

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Because it was a context in which

I knew people were explicitly

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looking for a romantic connection.

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For me as an introvert going up to

people in bars was not a, an approach

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that worked well for my system and for

my, you know, what I was looking for.

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And and so knowing like, okay,

these are all people who are

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looking for a romantic relationship.

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We're kind of exploring the same thing.

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We can, you know, connect, we can

learn a little bit about each other.

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That worked really well for me.

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For some people, it works really

well to meet people in person, right?

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It helps to, you know, meet somebody at an

event, at a, you know, a friend's dinner

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party, whatever it might be, where you can

get a sense of their energy immediately.

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You can build a connection in

person before even exploring

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developing a romantic relationship.

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And so consider for yourself

what tends to work best for you.

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And it's not an either or, right?

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A good dating strategy

might include some of both.

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Yes,

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Jessica: I was going to say that

was my approach, um, back when I was

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dating was I was meeting a lot of

people particularly through social

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dancing and then also online dating,

which is where you and I met, uh,

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and that worked really well for me.

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I'm, I'm slightly less

introverted than you.

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And it was a great balance.

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Josh: Yeah, absolutely.

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And I just want to name for some people

online dating just drains their spirit.

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Right?

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Just, you just feel

terrible after doing it.

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You just don't want to do it.

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And, for, if that's you, it might just

not be the right approach for you.

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Right?

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Because, again, if we're thinking about

where are you going to be energized,

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where are you going to be relaxed and

excited to connect with people, that's

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going to give you the best chance of...

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Your, your future partner being

able to recognize you, right, when

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you're being, you know, who you

are with people if online dating

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is in that place, that's okay.

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There are other places to meet people.

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So I just want to, if you have

some anxiety about missing out

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or something, right, you don't

have to be on online dating.

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Jessica: Absolutely.

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That's such a beautiful point.

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And I love the emphasis on go where

your spirit sort of lights up.

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That's going to be the most

attractive in the long run.

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Yeah.

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Josh: The other thing I'll

mention is a little bit more on

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the strategic side of things.

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Thinking about where are the people

that you most want to date likely to be.

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And so some of them may be on dating apps.

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And this requires thinking

about Who is your ideal partner?

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We've got a great guide for

starting to think about this.

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It's something we guide

our clients through a lot.

187

And you can check out

the episode about that.

188

But think about who you're truly

looking for in a partner and where

189

are they likely to spend time, hang

out, be looking for a romantic partner

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if they're looking as well, right?

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And we'll talk a little bit more about

that later in terms of apps and what apps

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you might want to be on, things like that.

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The other thing I'll just name in terms of

is it worth it to date online is As we've

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kind of talked a little bit about already,

a lot of people are dating online, right?

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So if you're looking for where

your people are going to be,

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they might very well be online.

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Um, in that 2022 Pew research study,

they said of the adults who are

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single and looking, 45 percent have

used a dating site or app within

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the past year, including 28 percent

who are currently using them.

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So that's, you know, a

good amount of people.

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And as you said, the numbers go

up for the younger generation.

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As well as folks who are lesbian, gay, bi.

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Right, that's a good way for folks.

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If you have a smaller pool to connect

with apps, things like that are

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especially helpful to find people.

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And as you mentioned, the other thing is a

good amount of people on the online dating

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apps are looking for something long term.

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And that, I think, sometimes goes against

the stereotype of hookup apps, right?

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You're just looking for a casual

relationship, casual sex, right?

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Some people are, for

sure, but not everybody.

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And there's a lot of people who are

actually looking for something long.

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The other thing I do think it's important

to consider, though, as you're thinking

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about online dating is a lot of people

report experiencing unwanted behaviors.

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Whether it's on online dating

apps or dating websites.

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And this also came out in the 2022 peer

research study where 48 percent of people

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experienced at least one of four unwanted

behaviors that they were surveying

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about, which could include things like

receiving unsolicited sexual messages or

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images, experiencing unwanted continued

contact, being called an offensive name,

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um, Or being physically threatened.

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That last one was the smallest

percentage, but it's real, right?

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It's there.

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And it's worth knowing, and especially

women under 50 experience this.

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So I don't say this to scare people,

but it's I think it's important

224

to have a clear eyed look at what

are the risks and rewards, right?

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What are the things that I might

experience if I'm dating online?

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If you're already dating

online, this probably isn't

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going to come as a surprise.

228

You may have already experienced

this, given the numbers

229

that we're looking at here.

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And, the chances are, no matter how

you're dating, there's going to be some

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discomfort and possible risk involved.

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Right?

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Meeting people at bars or in other public

places, there's a different kind of risk.

234

And so...

235

It's important to look at what are

the risks and benefits of each of the

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different options that I'm exploring

and deciding what works best for you.

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And it doesn't have to

be all or nothing, right?

238

You might find a level of online

dating use that works for you.

239

For example, limiting the

amount of time on the apps to

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like 15 minutes a day, right?

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So you're not going into that swiping

hole where you're, you know, wake up two

242

hours later and what happened to my life?

243

And then, you know, supplementing

with meeting people in person.

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Jessica: So I'm taking from what

you're saying, Josh, that it

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can be worth it to date online.

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Absolutely.

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And it really also comes back to who

you, dear listener, are as an individual.

248

What really works for you,

considering the pros and cons.

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Josh: Perfect.

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So I know a question that we get a

lot is, What apps should I be on?

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Yes.

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Right?

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Jessica: Yes, yes, yes.

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This is a great question, and let's

just first describe the two different

255

types of dating apps or sites.

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Okay?

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So we've got swipe based apps.

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These are things like...

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Tinder was the original.

260

Bumble and Hinge are

also swipe based apps.

261

They're sort of easier to set

up than the other type of app,

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which are algorithm based apps.

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Things like Match.

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com, OkCupid, eHarmony.

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So these swipe based apps, they

are easier to set up, but they can

266

encourage a superficial approach to

dating because you are swiping through

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a lot of pictures very quickly.

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Mm hmm.

269

A lot of people do, as you mentioned

earlier, Josh, associate dating apps

270

with kind of a hookup dating culture.

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That said, there are a lot of

people who do meet long term

272

partners on the swipe based apps.

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Yep.

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Right?

275

Algorithm based apps,

as I mentioned Match.

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com, OkCupid, eHarmony.

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These are considered a, quote, more

scientific approach to matchmaking

278

where they are calculating a

compatibility score, often based on a

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lot of questions that you've answered.

280

Okay, these are Sometimes considered more

associated with long term relationships.

281

There is sort of a

higher barrier to entry.

282

They're more time consuming to set

up, which may skew the pool towards

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people who are more interested in a

relationship with substance, depth.

284

But, no matter where you are in

the dating world, whether you're

285

online, offline, Line on a swipe

based app or algorithm based app.

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There's opportunities for all

kinds of dating experiences.

287

, you're gonna find people who want

long-term relationships on Tinder

288

and you're gonna find people who

are not looking for something

289

very serious on say match.com.

290

Mm-hmm.

291

. So I think it, uh, just keep that in mind.

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I really recommend generally considering

trying one of each type of app.

293

Hmm.

294

Right, both for variety and different

pools of people potentially and

295

to really assess what you prefer.

296

In terms of choosing like which app

or site to use, one kind of basic

297

or valid strategy is to identify

which apps are most popular,

298

right, and have a larger user base.

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So let's look at that some

percentages, list of most popular

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apps in order, number one is Tinder

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number two, Match.

302

Three is Bumble.

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We go to OkCupid, eHarmony, Hinge.

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And then queer apps like Grindr and Her.

305

And at the bottom of the list

is a category called Other.

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And that one probably includes some apps

like Plenty of Fish, Hilly, and BLK,

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which is the Dating for Black Singles app.

308

One thing to note, if

you are outside the U.

309

S., Badoo is a very, very popular app.

310

So...

311

As I said earlier, the apps that I just

named in order of popularity give you

312

potentially a, a large dating pool, right?

313

Right.

314

If that's your strategy,

that's a fine one.

315

You know, and I think that dating

in some ways is both a quality And a

316

quantity problem, or put another way,

a numbers game and a, what's, what's

317

the corollary of a numbers game?

318

Josh: Uh.

319

A

320

Jessica: numbers game

and a discernment game?

321

Josh: Uh, artisanal discernment process?

322

That's not right.

323

Jessica: Look how up leveled that guy is.

324

Um, what I mean here is numbers, sheer

numbers can be very important, but also

325

getting in contact with people you'd

actually like is just as important.

326

Josh: The numbers don't make

any difference if none of them

327

are anywhere near the kind of

person you're looking to date.

328

Jessica: Right.

329

So I think this again comes back to, are

you clear on what you're looking for?

330

In terms of a partner, do you have a

sense of where they might be hanging out?

331

If it is one of these larger apps, there's

a good chance there's some people because

332

of just the sheer numbers of it, right?

333

There are also niche apps.

334

I mentioned BLK.

335

There's FIELD, which is for

people who are non monogamous.

336

looking to swing in other sort

of alternative lifestyles.

337

And then there's apps like Muzmatch,

where they're matching Muslim singles.

338

People sometimes ask me,

are those worthwhile?

339

And generally I say they might be,

because they could put you in touch

340

with somebody who's a really great fit.

341

That said, oftentimes these niche

apps have a very small pool.

342

Right.

343

And so I would really recommend

that being a supplemental app to one

344

or two other sort of larger apps.

345

Mm hmm.

346

Yeah.

347

Josh: Brilliant.

348

Jessica: Great.

349

one other thing to note is that

different apps are favored differently

350

according to your location.

351

I was wondering about that.

352

Yeah.

353

Yeah.

354

I remember you and I actually went to a

wedding last Summer on the East Coast, and

355

we were like, eagerly picking everyone's

brains about which apps they were using.

356

And it was very different

from the Bay Area.

357

Yeah.

358

Josh: Yeah.

359

It was fascinating.

360

I think OkCupid was pretty

much dead in, in Vermont.

361

Right.

362

But, uh, what was it?

363

I think Tinder and Hinge, maybe?

364

I think so.

365

Yeah.

366

I'm gonna tell you.

367

Jessica: Yeah.

368

Yeah, yeah, really interesting.

369

So, chat with other singles

in your area to get a sense

370

of what's popular regionally.

371

And, you know, app details aside,

we really recommend opting for the

372

apps you're more likely to use.

373

Coming back to what Josh was saying

earlier, if you just really dislike

374

an app, like I personally, the Tinder,

uh, sort of interface, not, not my jam.

375

I think Tinder in general has

a kind of vibe for me that did

376

feel a little bit hookup culture

y and didn't work for my system.

377

So, you know, if you feel

that, then that's okay.

378

There are plenty of other apps to try out.

379

Josh: Yeah.

380

I love this breakdown that you're giving

of the, the, uh, swipe based apps and

381

the algorithm based apps, Brilliant.

382

Okay.

383

Jessica: Okay.

384

Okay.

385

So, I have the next question for

you, Josh, which is, how many

386

dating apps should I use at a time?

387

Josh: Yeah, this is an important one.

388

And the simple answer, very

simple answer, is I'm going to

389

say is focus on one to three.

390

And if you're just getting

started, just start with one.

391

And here's why.

392

You want to make sure that you

can successfully manage one app

393

before you go on a bunch of apps.

394

Because if you are on a bunch of

apps, you get overwhelmed, you're

395

not responding to messages, you know,

someone has messaged you and you don't

396

follow up until three months later.

397

What kind of signal are you sending

to other people about the kind of

398

partner that you're going to be?

399

inconsistent, non

responsive, flaky, right?

400

That's not how you want

to show up as a partner.

401

So you want to start with one, make sure

that you are showing up consistently,

402

you're checking it regularly, you're

responding to messages, you're

403

reaching out to people, and then if

you feel good with that, then you

404

might add in another one, right?

405

And as you were talking about, right, you

might want to start with one of the apps

406

that's got a little bit of a broader user

base as your kind of primary app, right?

407

Maybe you're on Tinder, or Hinge, or

OkCupid, or Match, or one of those.

408

And then if there is a more niche app

that you think might have some people

409

you're excited about dating on it, maybe

add that one in once you feel you've

410

got the first one under your belt.

411

I think it's important to remember here,

more is not necessarily better, right?

412

You might think, oh, if I'm

on all the apps, right, I'm

413

gonna have a greater chance.

414

Not necessarily, especially if

you're overwhelmed and then you

415

stop checking them or you give up.

416

So, all of that said, again, start

with one, maybe add in a second or

417

third if you've really got the first

one or two under your, under control

418

and choose the one that you like

best, as you were saying, right?

419

If Tinder doesn't, isn't your vibe,

choose a Cupid, or Match, or Hinge, right?

420

Choose the one that you are gonna

enjoy the most using, that you think

421

has the best chance of having people

that you're excited about dating.

422

On it and uh, and then go with it.

423

Jessica: I love that.

424

And I love the strategy of just

starting with one and really fine

425

tuning that because it's sort

of, it combines like two things.

426

One is just sort of like habit.

427

Psychology?

428

Mm hmm.

429

Right?

430

Absolutely.

431

If we, if we really focus on one thing,

we can really attend to it just more

432

effectively and feel more motivated.

433

And then also principles

of secure functioning from

434

the very beginning, right?

435

So if you are responding to matches soon

after you match with them, keeping up

436

with messages, you are just laying such a

beautiful, strong foundation for a really

437

secure relationship from the very start.

438

Josh: Well said.

439

So along these lines, Jess, I

know a question that we often

440

get is, are there any dating

apps that actually work for guys?

441

And I think specifically these people

are asking about men dating women.

442

Yes.

443

Because as research shows, in fact, there

are more men on dating apps than women.

444

And more of those people

are looking to date women.

445

Jessica: Yes, that's right.

446

So, based on our team's experience along

with that stat that 10 percent of US

447

couples met through online dating, yes,

there are dating apps that work for guys.

448

Yep.

449

And if you are a man dating women,

looking for an app or sites with that

450

better male female ratio research

indicates that things are maybe

451

more balanced on Match and eHarmony.

452

Those are both algorithm based sites,

not apps, so isn't that interesting?

453

It, you know, men are actually more

likely to say that casual sex is

454

the reason that they're doing online

dating, so it's possible that men are

455

a little bit more attracted to those

apps that are considered hookup apps.

456

Right.

457

So yeah, check out Match Any Harmony

if you're really wanting that better

458

ratio and lots of guys find female

partners through sites even when

459

the ratio is a little bit off.

460

There's a lot of very, uh, simple

things you can do to stand out and

461

to, uh, really be seen as a quality

partner pretty quickly and like.

462

Just keep listening to the rest of

this episode and the next episode

463

or two for all of those tips.

464

So, I think that the next

question for you mm-hmm.

465

Josh?

466

Yes.

467

And also, for me, is why

am I not getting matches?

468

This is one we hear a lot.

469

Or...

470

Josh: How do I get better matches?

471

Well, first off, it's worth saying that

it's normal to not get a ton of matches.

472

And this may not be what you want

to hear but I, I do think it's,

473

it's important to normalize, right?

474

We, I sometimes get sold the idea

I'm going to get on a nap and

475

then all these people who want

to date me are going to flood in.

476

And when that doesn't

happen, it's like, oh.

477

So, normal not to get a ton of matches,

and there are things you can do to get

478

better matches and to get more matches.

479

And we'll cover these kind of

briefly right now, and we're going

480

to go in a lot more depth in each

of these areas in our next episode.

481

So stay tuned for that, but we're going to

kind of give you the overview right now.

482

The first, this is going to seem obvious,

but I'm going to say it because we don't

483

always attend to it, is your profile.

484

Text and pictures.

485

Right?

486

What are the prompts you're choosing?

487

What are you saying in

response to those prompts?

488

What are the pictures you're choosing?

489

What's your first picture?

490

That makes a big difference.

491

All of these things, you know, are how

you're introducing yourself to people.

492

And there are absolutely things

you can do here to make yourself

493

shine more on the dating apps.

494

Jessica: Absolutely.

495

So, yes, fill out your profile.

496

Number one.

497

Josh: Period.

498

Yeah.

499

At the very least, fill it out.

500

Jessica: Yes.

501

Hopefully using some strategy,

but first step, fill it out.

502

Josh: Yeah.

503

It's surprising the number

of people you see on dating

504

apps with incomplete profiles.

505

Jessica: Yes.

506

Exactly.

507

So when you're filling it out, we do,

as we've mentioned, want you to have a

508

sense of what you're looking for in a

partner and a relationship, and hopefully

509

your profile really communicates that.

510

So that would be number two.

511

Josh: The third piece, then,

is filter and settings.

512

Right?

513

So, and this is, goes very, very,

um, closely with what we just

514

named about getting clear about

what you're looking for, right?

515

Your filter and your settings are

going to make a big difference

516

on who you're seeing on the app.

517

Obviously.

518

But what is maybe less obvious

is if you have certain things

519

that you think are important.

520

that you're limiting the pool by, you may

miss somebody amazing because they were

521

one year outside of your age range or

one mile outside of your, your radius.

522

Jessica: Great.

523

So, that's the third one, really

making sure you're looking at your...

524

Filters, making sure

they're not too narrow.

525

The next one would be to choose

really high quality photos that

526

very clearly show your face,

your body, and your personality.

527

We'll go into depth about, uh, really

what that might include, but, uh, hint,

528

it does not include sunglasses and

hats and grainy photos, uh, or selfies.

529

Mm mm.

530

Okay?

531

So you really want some very

high quality photos where

532

somebody can check you out, okay?

533

Josh: They can see,

oh, this person's cute.

534

I want to get to know this person.

535

Jessica: Without being confused about

which one you are in that giant group.

536

Josh: If they have to squint

to figure it out, they're going

537

to swipe left pretty quickly.

538

Good.

539

So we've got so far, fill out

your profile, get clear on who

540

you're looking for, check your

settings, check your filters.

541

Choose some good photos.

542

Now we're going to talk about swiping.

543

Now this in some ways

may seem obvious, right?

544

If you're swiping on people.

545

If you're not swiping on anybody, you're

not likely to get very many matches.

546

But also, if you're swiping

on everyone, you're not likely

547

to get very many matches.

548

Let's think about why that might be.

549

Now, we don't know how the dating app

algorithms work specifically, right?

550

We don't have the insight there.

551

But let's just think about it.

552

If you're swiping right on everybody, it

shows you don't have a lot of discernment.

553

You're not really actually

looking for something specific.

554

You're not, you don't have any

criteria that you're looking for.

555

You're just kind of like, Somebody.

556

A warm body.

557

And, uh, you're not really engaging

in, I don't know what the right

558

way to put this is, in good faith

in the, in the process, right?

559

It's like, if you're just gonna say

yes to everybody, I don't know that

560

I would trust to introduce you to

somebody that I think might be awesome.

561

Jessica: It's like, we're

not sure if you're a bot.

562

Josh: Yeah.

563

Are you a real person?

564

I'm clear.

565

So, yeah, you wanna be, and I think,

you know, some of the guidance out

566

there is like, swiping right on

somewhere in the middle, right?

567

30 to 70 percent of people.

568

Now you don't have to track your

things and get all wonky on it

569

unless you really enjoy that.

570

But just kind of have that

as a general guideline.

571

Authentically looking for people that

you're excited about connecting with.

572

And that's not going to be 100 percent of

people, and it's not going to be nobody.

573

And if it's nobody, we'll have a

different conversation about that.

574

That's a separate thing.

575

Check our last podcast episode.

576

Jessica: Beautiful.

577

So make sure that you are swiping on some

but not all people is the next one then.

578

And I would also...

579

Join with that when you are matching,

message those you match with promptly.

580

Again, it's like, it's telling the app,

I'm active, I'm a person, and it's also,

581

you know, just good relationship practice.

582

Well, so my next tip also is to in

your profile, don't just talk about

583

like your hobbies or your career.

584

Mm hmm.

585

Really go deeper.

586

Share about your values, your dreams, your

emotions, your vision for partnership.

587

That alone will really allow

you to stand out in the crowd.

588

Josh: That's huge.

589

It's huge.

590

I, I remember when I was online dating,

I could really tell when somebody had put

591

some thought into what they're looking

for and shared that in the profile.

592

I could see pretty quickly, oh

yeah, I might be that person.

593

Or, oh yeah, I have a similar

vision for partnership.

594

Yeah, I want that too.

595

Cool.

596

Let's, let's explore this further.

597

Then when somebody's like, I like baseball

and tacos and beer, and it's like, cool.

598

I mean, that's, that's great.

599

And it doesn't give me a sense

of what it will be like to

600

be a partner with you, right?

601

Other than like, we might go

get beer at the baseball game.

602

Jessica: Right.

603

Right.

604

Beer and tacos and baseball is something

that you might enjoy with a friend.

605

Without any other sort of substantive

information, it doesn't allow you

606

to start to form that heart to

heart connection that an intimate

607

relationship is really about.

608

Josh: Yeah, exactly.

609

Jessica: Okay, so just two more

tips, high level, for online dating.

610

One with your profiles, if you

can incorporate some humor and

611

be the you est you you can be.

612

Josh: I like that way of putting it.

613

The you est you.

614

Jessica: Yeah, get specific, be

vulnerable, highlight your quirks and your

615

deal breakers in a positive way, which

is an art and we will talk about that.

616

But really just allow yourself to be the

you est you so that you do stand out and

617

so that your person easily recognizes you.

618

Don't try to be that

generic person that...

619

Josh: I think the thing to remember

about this is, in some ways, this might

620

not get you more matches, actually.

621

This might get you fewer matches,

but that's not a bad thing.

622

Yes.

623

This is going to get you more of the

matches that are actually good for you,

624

rather than, I remember hearing a story

about, Uh, I think it was a podcast

625

episode about somebody who's online dating

who just kind of put the very generic,

626

like, you know, normal height, white guy

with generic interest in his profile.

627

And he got a ton of matches and

none of them were very good.

628

And it was like, yeah, exactly.

629

Is that better?

630

Do you want that?

631

No, you want matches that are likely to.

632

Want you.

633

So I love this being

the u you, you can be.

634

Mm-hmm.

635

.

Jessica: Beautiful.

636

Well, so another question that's

worth looking at Josh, is how

637

can I avoid getting catfished or

scammed or duped in online dating?

638

Josh: Yeah.

639

I mean, this is part of like,

how do I do this well, and

640

and minimize the risk, right?

641

How do I stay safe at the heart of

this while using dating apps, right?

642

Because as we mentioned there are

risks And I think there are a couple of

643

different kinds of risks that we could

actually break down in here One is this

644

as you mentioned like a catfished scammed

right the financial scams that sometimes

645

show up in online dating This is often

a concern for For older folks dating,

646

who maybe are less familiar with dating

apps, uh, don't have the experience.

647

I think folks who are younger, it's

maybe a little bit easier for them to

648

recognize some of the hallmarks, just

having grown up in this environment.

649

Right.

650

They're digital natives.

651

They're digital natives.

652

And so there's that piece, right?

653

There's the concern about being scammed.

654

And there's also, of course,

just the safety concern of,

655

I'm meeting a strange person.

656

I don't know this person.

657

I've never met them.

658

And, you know, we don't have

a, a friend connecting us.

659

And so wanting to make sure that you

have a reasonable expectation that

660

you're going to be safe, that they're

going to be who they say they are

661

going to be if you meet them in person.

662

And so I think there are kind

of two different but related

663

things worth talking about here.

664

I think the first thing to...

665

To talk about, in terms of avoiding

getting catfished and scammed, it's

666

doing a little bit of research, right?

667

You could search their name

online, look up their socials,

668

do they seem like a real person?

669

Like, do they have, you know,

some posts, do they have friends?

670

If you want to get really, you

know, kind of into it, you could

671

do a reverse image search on their

photos and see what comes up.

672

Is it a stock photo?

673

Right?

674

And, you know, if you, if you hear me

saying like this research piece and it's

675

like, oh, is that a little stalkery?

676

It's like.

677

I hear you, and especially for

women dating men, there's a

678

different kind of safety concern.

679

It is just statistically more likely

that they're going to be at risk for

680

violence of various kinds, and so

it's just a good safety precaution

681

to kind of know, or at least have a

reasonable idea, if you're meeting

682

somebody in person, who is this person.

683

Along with this, in order to avoid being

scammed or catfished, is move towards

684

a phone call or a video date quickly.

685

Right?

686

This is a good way to tell,

is this a real person?

687

If they show up on

video, you can see them.

688

Kind of weeds out the scammers who are

just looking to get your bank information.

689

This other piece that I'll, I'll

say, this may go without saying, but

690

I'll say it anyway, just in case.

691

Pace disclosure of personal information,

right, especially if you're messaging

692

with somebody you haven't met

yet before in person or on video.

693

Don't share financial information, right?

694

Even if they tell you a great story

about why they really just need a

695

hundred bucks for the plane flight to

come visit you or something, that is not

696

a good way to start the relationship.

697

And it is usually, usually a scam.

698

They're usually trying to just get

your, get your money and split.

699

And if you, if you ever have a question,

slow down and talk to somebody you trust.

700

I think that's just a great

practice period in dating.

701

If something feels off and you're

not sure if this is good or

702

not, call on a friend you trust.

703

Call on your, your therapist,

you know, their dating expert

704

therapist or coach, right?

705

Just get somebody's outside opinion

who can be like, Okay, cool.

706

Let's check this out.

707

And the last thing I'll mention is

being suspicious if someone repeatedly

708

fails to show up for a date and

gives some seemingly good excuse.

709

Right?

710

It's like, oh, we were gonna meet for tea

but they had a last minute work meeting.

711

And then it happened again.

712

And a third time.

713

It's like, okay, that is usually

a sign that they're not really

714

there for what you're looking for.

715

Is there anything that

you would add to this?

716

Jessica: I would just add to the

piece about like looking someone

717

up in the reverse image search.

718

I think it's you made such

great points in there.

719

And what I heard in what you were

saying is that the positionality

720

is important in thinking about, is

this kind of like stalkery or not?

721

Mm hmm.

722

Right?

723

It's like Yeah.

724

Yeah.

725

Are my doing this for a safety issue

versus like, I had dating experiences

726

where, oh, somehow somebody that I

dated and cut things off with found

727

my work email address and was like,

emailing me there and I definitely

728

didn't ever tell them where I worked.

729

Right.

730

Right.

731

So it's like, because I'm a woman,

it's a very different thing.

732

Absolutely.

733

It also really matters on what

you do with that information.

734

I would also recommend, you know, I

think there, there are Um, moments

735

to maybe playfully divulge like,

oh no, I actually did look you up.

736

But I think you need to be

really careful about that.

737

Josh: I mean, I think you playfully

divulged to me that you looked me up.

738

Jessica: I don't even remember.

739

Tell me.

740

How did I do that?

741

Josh: You know, I don't remember

specifically but I know that you,

742

we talked about it at some point.

743

Yeah.

744

And you had looked me up

and I hadn't looked you up.

745

And I was like, eh, whatever.

746

Which I think shows the

positionality, right?

747

As you were saying, I didn't, as

a straight white guy, right, I did

748

not have a lot of concern that you

were going to be a danger to me.

749

For you, you had to be

a little more cautious.

750

Yes.

751

Very, very, uh, wisely.

752

Mm hmm.

753

Right?

754

So, I think that's a really good point,

and I really hope this goes without

755

saying, but to what you were just saying

about somebody, you know, contacting you

756

on your work email that you definitely

had not given them, don't do that.

757

I know that you listening to

this, you know this, right?

758

Good job.

759

Thank you.

760

Just don't do that.

761

Jessica: If there's somebody who

is listening and didn't know that.

762

Just in case.

763

Very good.

764

Thank you for going over the,

the sort of safety piece.

765

I think that's really

important with online dating.

766

Josh: Yeah.

767

Okay, so, you may have gotten to this

point in the episode, dear listener,

768

and you're like, Okay, you know what?

769

I've weighed the pros and cons.

770

I think it's worth it for

me to do some online dating.

771

I've thought some about how

I want to present myself.

772

I've begun to fill out my profile.

773

And now it's like, Okay, how much time

should I be spending on this if I'm

774

looking for a long term relationship?

775

Like, do I need to be doing this

for like three hours every day?

776

Or is like once a week enough?

777

What should I be doing here?

778

Jessica: Great question.

779

As you might imagine, there

isn't a black and white answer.

780

Josh: Wait, I just want, no, no,

no, I want, I just want how many

781

minutes for what period of time?

782

There's an answer for that, right?

783

Jessica: I mean, I think there are

actually people who have calculated,

784

uh, I think it was something like, Most

people need to spend an hour a day swiping

785

for eight months to find their partner.

786

And if they're a man, it's 10 months.

787

Um, as, as you can probably tell by my

tone, I don't put a lot of stock in.

788

Yeah.

789

Well, so let's first chat about how

much time to spend on dating as a whole.

790

I think it's good to kind of zoom out.

791

Josh: Right.

792

Cause online dating is probably

one part of your strategy.

793

And even if.

794

So, it is most of your strategy,

dating will involve other things

795

like meeting people in person

and hopefully more than once.

796

Jessica: Absolutely.

797

Or, or going to events in real life.

798

Yes.

799

So, the thing that I like to encourage

people to think about is how much

800

time will you spend with a partner

once you're in a relationship?

801

And can you carve out that

much time for dating overall?

802

Keeping in mind, as we said, that

it, that doesn't mean you need

803

to be spending whatever it is,

10 hours a week swiping, right?

804

That can be part of it, but you

could also be going on dates, you

805

could be going to singles events,

you could be going to therapy.

806

Anything that you might reasonably

consider a step forward along

807

that path to finding your person.

808

Josh: Going to an improv class.

809

Beautiful.

810

Making pottery.

811

Yeah.

812

Yeah.

813

Jessica: Yes.

814

And so, in terms of online dating, I

recommend spending at least a little

815

time each day moving the ball forward on

any active matches or messaging theads.

816

So coming back to be the responsive

partner that you want to be

817

in your long term relationship

from the very, very beginning.

818

And see if you can just block off a little

bit of time to just make sure you've You

819

may also want to set aside time to

swipe daily, provided you don't have

820

a few connections already forming.

821

And what I mean by that is we

can only hold so many things

822

in our memory at a time.

823

Some dating experts do recommend you

stop swiping once you're exploring

824

connections with nine people maximum.

825

Okay.

826

Josh: Sounds like a lot to

me, but for some people, that

827

is a good number for sure.

828

Jessica: Yes.

829

Yeah.

830

And so your number could

definitely be less than that.

831

Nine is sort of the max number of items

we can hold in our mind at one time.

832

So you want to tune into what your...

833

Uh, we do discuss that a little bit more

in our Online Dating Burnout episode,

834

so be sure to check that one out.

835

Now, how much time you spend on

online dating will vary day to day,

836

week to week, depending on what your

online dating efforts turn up, right?

837

So the amount of time that you've

allocated for dating as a whole,

838

hopefully the more you're swiping

and messaging and whatnot, more

839

of that time is going towards

840

So, what else on this?

841

Remember that the apps, we don't,

again, know how the apps work.

842

We would be much richer if we did.

843

A little bit of a mystery.

844

And we know their businesses.

845

We know that they want

users who are engaged.

846

And so if you are an engaged user

who treats their other users well,

847

uh, and interacts with their users

relatively frequently, then you're

848

going to be sort of favored by the app.

849

And in my sort of hypothesis at least.

850

So all that is just to say, staying

active on the apps is a great

851

signal to the app to connect you

with other people who are active.

852

Now one other thing to consider in

terms of how much time to spend is self

853

care and online dating burnout, right?

854

What is the amount of time that

you might spend that's going to

855

be sustainable and enjoyable?

856

Okay, this is a marathon, not a race.

857

So for myself, uh, when 15 minutes

a day made me feel kind of gross.

858

Kind of like I feel sometimes when I,

like, Scroll too much on social media.

859

So you may need to also limit the time

you spend as an act of self care using,

860

like I needed actually an accountability

so a friend that I could text before

861

and after I swiped to make sure that

I wasn't doing more than 15 minutes.

862

Because those apps are addictive, y'all.

863

They're designed to keep you on them.

864

Yes.

865

So I know for me it was really

helpful to have somebody I could

866

just report to, to sort of keep me

accountable to that 15 minute limit.

867

And that's the other side of this.

868

If you're, if you're wondering how

much time you should spend because

869

you actually find yourself getting

sucked into the apps for long periods,

870

I really encourage you to mindfully

observe at what amount of online dating

871

time spent you start to feel poorly.

872

In your body, so it's going to take

some mindfulness and figure out

873

a way to stop before that point.

874

Again, they are addictive apps,

so you may need to use sort of

875

accountability buddies or alarms or,

um, there's apps that can block you out.

876

of certain apps after a certain

amount of time so don't feel ashamed

877

to get some support around curbing

how much you're swiping in a day.

878

Josh: Yeah, have some compassion

for yourself if you, if you do get

879

into that multiple hour swiping

binge and then wake up and...

880

feel terrible because as we've

been saying, addictive, right?

881

So be kind to yourself and then have

your buddy come over next time you're

882

swiping and take your phone away after

15 you need or whatever it might be.

883

Great.

884

Jessica: Do you have any more thoughts?

885

I'm thinking maybe we should

try and like summarize.

886

Josh: Mmm.

887

A summary.

888

Summary.

889

I like it.

890

So, I'll start.

891

Great.

892

What are the what are the

odds of dating apps working?

893

Pretty good.

894

Basically.

895

Mm hmm.

896

And is it worth it to date online?

897

Yeah, I mean, you think

about it for yourself.

898

Consider all the factors we named,

what works for you, where do you feel

899

comfortable, right, where the people

that you want to meet likely to be,

900

and weigh the risks and rewards of

the different dating strategies.

901

Jessica: Beautiful.

902

In terms of which apps to be on there's

a lot of really great ones out there.

903

Uh, top three are Tinder,

Match, and Bumble.

904

You can get more granular on,

uh, different apps depending on

905

whether you are a man or under 30.

906

You know, Tinder often shows up on

those lists with Match showing up

907

frequently as well as Bumble and Hinge.

908

Josh: You know, I'll just throw in one

more thing that I didn't say earlier about

909

that in terms of which apps to be on.

910

Also, just consider what's the

app that works best for you.

911

Because I know for me, when I was dating,

I tried Tinder, I tried Hinge, I tried,

912

I think Coffee Meets Bagel was one at the

time, uh, I tried Bumble, and OkCupid.

913

That was the one where I

consistently got matches.

914

So that was the one I used.

915

Jessica: Right, and in our area, I

think OkCupid was really popular, I

916

would say, like, about ten years ago.

917

And now, it's, people are like, OkCupid.

918

What?

919

You're still on OkCupid?

920

Josh: What?

921

That was so ten years ago.

922

Right.

923

Good.

924

And so, back to our summary.

925

Yes.

926

How many dating apps should I use?

927

One to three.

928

Start with one.

929

Maybe add a second if you're ready.

930

Jessica: How do I get better matches?

931

Lots of different things.

932

Really engage intentionally

with your profile and your

933

pictures and your messaging.

934

And listen to our next

episode for more tips.

935

Josh: Yep.

936

And, uh, what can I do

to avoid getting scammed?

937

how can I stay safe on online dating?

938

Do a little research, don't send your

bank details, throw a message on a hinge,

939

slow it down if you need to, talk to

a friend, and get to a date quickly so

940

you can tell if they're a real person.

941

Jessica: Great.

942

And lastly, how much time should

you spend on online dating?

943

It's going to depend on what you need

and what season of dating you're in,

944

and I recommend spending a little

bit of time each day attending to any

945

connections that are already forming.

946

Boom.

947

Josh: Boom, baby.

948

We did it.

949

Jessica: Online dating overview.

950

Complete.

951

Josh: I don't know what that sound was.

952

Robot dating coach, engage.

953

Identify ideal partner.

954

I don't know what's happening right now.

955

Okay, we are clearly

done with this episode.

956

We should wrap it up.

957

All right, that's all for today.

958

You can find the show notes with links

to all the resources we mentioned in

959

this episode at relationshipcenter.

960

com slash podcast.

961

Jessica: And if you loved today's

show, go to relationshipcenter.

962

com slash newsletter.

963

We will send you a short,

helpful email once a month with

964

informative articles, silly videos,

book recommendations, and more.

965

Again, that is relationshipcenter.

966

com slash newsletter.

967

Josh: Until next time.

968

We love you too.

969

We love you

970

too.

971

Bye!

972

Dating Coach.

973

We love you too.

974

Bye!

975

Powering down.