Samantha Cook, host of the More Than Mom Podcast, is discussing how to overcome generational triggers that lead to conflict. She begins by identifying the different sources of triggers-home life with a spouse and children, workplace, and family. She then focuses on the home life, where triggers can come from children not listening or misbehaving. She encourages people to stay in the places they are in, while also growing out of them. She suggests looking inward and working on things such as self-awareness, self-reflection, and self-regulation. She also encourages being mindful of language and communication-being intentional with the words we use and how we express ourselves. Finally, she emphasizes recognizing our feelings and emotions and allowing ourselves to express them in healthy ways. Through these steps, Samantha encourages people to recognize their triggers and work to overcome them.

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Overcoming Generational Triggers that Lead to Conflict

0:01:47

Parenting Strategies for Setting Boundaries and Stewarding Children

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Topic: Managing Triggers and Conflict in Parenting and Marriage

0:07:47

"Managing Conflict in Marriage and the Workplace"

0:10:14

Topic: Setting Boundaries with Family and Resolving Conflict

0:14:04

"Creating Healthy Boundaries in Families: A Discussion on Mental and Spiritual Health"

Hey everyone and welcome back to another episode of More Than Mom podcast. I am your host Samantha Cook and I just look forward to connecting with you guys. What I have for you today I think is going to help a lot of people, as this is something I'm navigating in my own life. Just to hopefully be a encouragement to you all and exhort you to not only stay in these places that you're in, but to grow out of them as we're all trying to learn and grow together.

sam

So what I'm going to be talking about today is overcoming generational triggers that lead to conflict. And so the first question is what is triggering you? There's many different places that you can have triggers from your home life with your spouse and kids to your workplace, to your families. There are going to be different things that trigger us throughout different seasons in our lives. So the first place I wanted to start out with is the home with your spouse, your children, that realm of triggering situations. I have two small children, a four year old and an almost two year old.

sam

And so for me a lot of times I feel very triggered by when they don't listen, things like that. And so I have to not only step back and say, hey, what's going on here? Why am I triggered by this situation? But also understand who and what my children are so I don't carry my triggers onto them. And so a lot of times when I'm looking at the triggering, the conflict that I'm having with my kids is like I have to view them as a stewardship and not as a burden.

sam

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sam

So as a mom, I've gotten much better at picking my battles with my kids. Some days are better than others. Let's be honest, I am not a perfect person. But we have to pick our battles without setting our discipline aside. And so what that means is that sometimes there are going to be things that they do that do not affect how we are disciplining and raising our children. But there are some things that we have to pick battles on. Even though it seems like it's not a big deal, it's like it goes outside of our core values or the way that you're disciplining your children.

sam

And when I say you have to be consistent in your discipline, it's like the same things have to be consistent for them. I'm sure many of you guys have a routine and a whole thing you do before bedtime, stuff like that. Children need structure and consistency and they need that in their discipline too. So when eating a cookie before dinner, you do that one time, that's going to mess up their structure and their consistency because then they are going to want it again.

sam

Now, that seems like a pretty minuscule place, but it's like, hey, we always need to make sure that we've had dinner before we have dessert. And so that's one place where we have to view our children as a steward and pick those battles accordingly. So we can, one, find joy in raising our children. Because when we're trying to get rid of generational curses on our families, it's like we have to find joy in raising those children to be who they're meant to be and also raise them up in the way that they should go.

sam

And so when we switch those lenses that we have of stewarding them well and to a place of honoring them versus, oh my gosh, my kids are arguing with me again, having attitude with me. They don't know what you've walked through. Those kids have no idea the things that you might have been through in your lifetime. And if you haven't been through a lot, I mean, great, I've been through some things and so I know that I have issues when I'm not heard.

sam

And so that's a big one for me, is like when I feel like my children aren't hearing me, aren't responding to me well, I get very triggered by that. And I'll be honest, everybody wants to feel heard and feel like what you're saying to whether it be your kid, your spouse, your workplace, any of those things, they just want to feel heard. And so for me, when I don't feel heard, I get very reactive to my children.

sam

And I'm working on that because obviously that's a place where I know I have a trigger. And so you have to meet your kids where they are, what stage of development that they're in, what is actually pushing the boundary, what needs disciplined, and not taking what our children do personally to us because they're not doing it just because it's you, they're just doing it because they're probably a four year old.

sam

And so one, it's okay to discipline that, but we have to quit taking it personally or those triggers are always going to come up and it's always going to be a battle with your children. And so that was a huge one for me, is managing that. This like when my kid gives me the attitude, they are not trying to attack me personally, but I do need to discipline, the attitude without the personal attachment to it of not being heard, not being understood, those types of things.

sam

And so even with your spouse, same thing. You can tell them everything you've been through, they know who you are, they know your quirks and all those things, and they chose to be with you anyways because none of us are perfect. But sometimes you can explain a situation to your spouse, but they may not understand it the way that you do. And so you can't be quick to jump on them because Lord knows I've had that moment and I just have to ask for forgiveness because I'm really trying.

sam

But a lot of times when I get upset with my spouse, it's just like I can't carry over my anger of something he may not fully understand because I'm the person who actually lived through it. He's just the one who's heard the second hand story. And so there's going to be some conflict in that. And being open to saying, hey, this is really upsetting me and this is why it's upsetting me, and giving them the opportunity to help you with that and say, hey, I'm sorry, it wouldn't have bothered me. Well, you know what?

sam

It did bother me, but I'm just voicing this to you now so that way we can work through this and that just leads to a better understanding of each other and then we can be a little more compromising in what we're doing as a family. Something me and my husband, I just feel like we do very well is we are both very understanding and we are able to compromise well because I know what he values, I know decisions he's going to make, I know things he enjoys.

sam

And so in order for us to have the best marriage, I'm like, hey, I know that if I go and do XYZ with him that this is going to ultimately come back to me. And not because it's like, this is going to come back and benefit me. It's just doing something he enjoys is going to help us grow as a couple and then he's going to see, oh, hey, she did that for me. So I'm going to in turn do something for her to help her understand.

sam

And so a lot of times I'm very open to finding ways that we can not only compromise on the situation, but help to manage our conflict through things. That one, I've definitely been through a lot more than my husband has. So we try to meet each other where we are to keep a healthier realm within the family. So the next place we're going to talk about is those triggers affecting you and your workplace.

sam

And guys, this is such a hard thing for me because you cannot control people in any capacity. You cannot just get rid of people you don't like, things like that. So we have to understand who we are and that these people literally know nothing about us. That's probably the best thing is that these people know nothing about us. The more involved we get with people like at work, it just can get us in a little bit of a different place with them.

sam

I know some people work with their best friends, stuff like that. I don't necessarily have that situation. So for me, it's more like I have to step back and evaluate who I am. I am definitely one to say, okay, the situation is triggering me, so I've got to step back for a moment so I don't make any rash decisions. And a lot of times people are like, hey, just tell me what's wrong. But not everybody copes in the same way.

sam

So for me, it's like, hey, I have to step back, say, what about this situation is not good for me right now? And I'm sure you have a very similar mindset. It's like, why is this situation bugging me so much? Because workplace conflict, it's inevitable. Where there are two people, there is always going to be disagreements because no two people are exactly alike. So one, we not only have to step back, be patient, have some self control, but we do have to resolve at the end of the day.

sam

So we can't just like I'm not saying run away, avoid your problems, but don't put yourself in a situation where you're going to make bad decisions or rash decisions. Because a lot of times we can end up trying to resolve things and still not be resolved. And so that is where we have to make sure that we are doing it out of patience, out of self control, and living out the fruit of that spirit that we actually want to exude and not just meeting people in their triggers. Not everybody's going to treat the situation the same way you are.

sam

And so the next one is like your family outside of your home, your immediate family, parents, siblings, those types of situations. And so I'm just going to say this is first off and any generational triggers, things like that, that you're trying to resolve with family, with work, pretty much with anybody. You do have to have boundaries. And here's what boundaries are versus what they're not boundaries for. You could be like, hey, I am willing to leave at this time.

sam

If you're not here by this time, then I'm leaving you. The biggest difference is the boundaries are about you and not about the other person. So when you say, hey, I'm not willing to stay at that person's house, that's an okay boundary to have. But you can't be like, if you're going to that person's house, I'm not talking to you. That's not a boundary. That's being aggressive and causing more generational issues.

sam

So what we want to do is find great boundaries and make them about you versus the other person, because you cannot control the other person in any capacity. And I am still learning this guys, when I say anything to you, it's things I'm learning or have learned myself. And no, I do not do them perfectly, but I am a real person. And so I struggle with these two. But we have to set our ego aside and say, hey, what am I willing to be okay with? What am I not willing to be okay with?

sam

And when we find out, hey, this is something that I know that my family is okay to do once or twice a year, it's not going to hurt anything, then that's an okay boundary to have as well. And even boundaries can be moved for certain situations as long as they are not causing harm to your family. Just many times we want to be like, well I'm not going to do this and I just don't want to talk to you if you're not going to honor what I'm not willing to do.

sam

Well, sometimes we have to say, hey, we'll meet up with you after you go see XYZ relative that maybe you're not okay with and we'll meet up with you guys afterwards and we'll do something else as a family until you're done. That's an okay boundary to have without being aggressive towards the rest of your family. And so I know family conflicts, family triggers, they're hard. They probably know more about your past than your immediate family.

sam

And so we just have to find out the best case for everybody. And I'm not saying put yourself into toxic or abusive situations, I'm not saying that at all. But if there is a place where we can have boundaries and resolve and reduce conflict or unnecessary conflict, hear me in that. We need to try to do so because one is honoring to the Lord, it's also keeping our family intact, honoring our family, taking ownership of the situation, providing unity if we can do so.

sam

Because a lot of times many families don't have that unity that they are craving because there's not really boundaries, there's demands versus boundaries as well as just keeping who we are and being a servant in everything that we do because we don't want to be walked all over. But we do want to serve our families the best we can with the boundaries that we have to keep everybody safe, healthy, and introduce new generational things starting with us.

sam

And I'm not saying that people beforehand did things wrong. We just have to focus on keeping those triggers that you may have in check, keeping them self controlled, being patient in the situation once so you're a healthier person, but two is just everyone around you is going to benefit from you being healthier. It's going to improve your mental health, your spiritual health. And also people see that there is the ability to change and they're going to see that in you.

sam

And so when we see that in you, you are just going to create such a massive change, not only for your family, but for your community. People are going to learn what actual healthy boundaries are, not just meeting demands. And so I just really like I pray that over you guys this week, that you find this podcast super helpful, that it reduces unnecessary conflict and triggers within your life. And I just hope that you'll share this with a friend that maybe be going through this as well.

sam

So I want you guys to have a great rest of your day and I look forward to hearing from you next week.