There seems to be a recent trend where individuals have been labeled as narcissists. The question is, can any human being be only narcissistic? Join Dr John Demartini and get a unique insight on the dual nature of narcissism.

This content is for educational and personal development purposes only. It is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any psychological or medical conditions. The information and processes shared are for general educational purposes only and should not be considered a substitute for professional mental-health or medical advice. If you are experiencing acute distress or ongoing clinical concerns, please consult a licensed health-care provider.

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You need a balance of altruism and

narcissism. You need ultimately, both.

2

Very commonly today when people are

having challenges with other people,

3

they tend to project the label,

'boy, they're narcissistic'.

4

I've seen this over and over again when

people are going through a divorce,

5

particularly when they're surrounded

with people that support the person who's

6

in the divorce and maybe even

have a lawyer or a psychologist,

7

they tend to project onto

the opposite partner, well,

8

they're narcissistic disorder,

they're having narcissistic disorder.

9

And yet they were married to

those individuals for many,

10

many years in some cases and they didn't

call them a narcissist until all of a

11

sudden they went through a divorce

and suddenly they're a narcissist.

12

I'd like to discuss the

topic today, narcissism,

13

and it's complementary opposite, altruism.

14

And so I hope you take some notes

because I think that there'll be some

15

insights on this one.

16

Every human being has moments

17

when they're self-absorbed and other

moments when they're other absorbed.

18

That means they focus on themselves

and then they focus on others.

19

And I've seen people who've been labeled

narcissist, they've come to my program,

20

the Breakthrough Experience, the people

who are labeling people narcissist,

21

and I have them do the Demartini Method,

22

which is a method of

introspection to say the least,

23

and then they go and discover that

this individual had another side.

24

And when you actually find

out they have the other side,

25

you realize that the label that you

projected onto them, the narcissist,

26

is not completely who they are.

27

So I want to start off by this statement

that no human being is one sided.

28

And if we are seeing one side,

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it's because we have a subjective bias

and we're not looking carefully to find

30

the other side. And it's

our own subjective bias.

31

So beware of the labels,

beware of the facades,

32

beware of the diagnosis that this

is this person or that person

33

and look at the whole individual.

34

I met this woman with my wife many years

ago, and after this meeting I thought,

35

wow, she's self-absorbed. And my

first impression was that way.

36

And then I realized when

I got to know her more,

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she was head of many philanthropic

organizations and was dedicated to many

38

causes. And I realized that

she had both sides. But I,

39

my first impression was

one side without the other.

40

So before you put a label on somebody,

41

before you let a psychologist or

psychiatrist put a diagnostic label on

42

somebody, look again.

43

And I've been looking at hundreds of

thousands of people that have been labeled

44

all kinds of things,

45

and I find that those labels are great

for diagnostic purposes and commercial

46

enterprises that want to treat something

that may not even be need treated.

47

It may just be a realization

of a human being.

48

So I'd like to describe narcissism and

altruism, the two poles that we have,

49

and it's a spectrum,

50

and many individuals in the study

of psychology have known this.

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Whenever we are meeting somebody that

we infatuate with and we put on a

52

pedestal, and we're too humble to

admit what we see in them inside us,

53

and we really admire them, we'll

minimize ourself, in comparison.

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We're too humble to admit what we see

in them is inside us and we'll minimize

55

ourselves. And if you think about it,

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when you've met somebody that you are

highly enamored with highly admiring

57

infatuate with,

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you'll tend to sacrifice what's

important to you initially to be in that

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relationship for fear of loss of them.

And you'll go into a self minimizing,

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self depreciating, lower

self-esteem positioning,

61

relative to them and

put them on a pedestal.

62

When you put them on a

pedestal and minimize yourself,

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you'll tend to wake up your

altruistic persona. And I say persona,

64

it's a mask you wear,

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when you're not recognizing what

you see in them inside yourself.

66

Whenever you do that, you'll tend

to minimize yourself for them,

67

fear the loss of them, sacrifice for them,

68

and you'll put on an act

that you are altruistic,

69

relative to them. Now, at the same time,

70

you might meet somebody else that you

look down on and resent deeply and want to

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avoid, and you're too proud to admit

what you see in them is inside you.

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And now you wake up to them,

a narcissistic persona,

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and you go, well, it's

my way or the highway.

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And I think if you look carefully

in any relationship long term,

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you get both of these personas.

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So anytime you look down on somebody and

you're too proud to admit what you see

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in them is inside you, you tend to

put on your narcissistic persona.

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Anytime you're enamored with them and

infatuated with them, and too humble,

79

to admit what you see in them is inside

you, you put on your altruistic persona.

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So relative to different people,

you play out different personas.

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And I can guarantee I can demonstrate

this and show this to people and then show

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the same individual playing out the

opposite role in front of somebody else.

83

I know an individual who's

very quote narcissistic,

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and a lot of people

like to label them that,

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but the moment they meet somebody that

they are subordinating to and looking up

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to, I watch them go the other side.

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And I've also seen people

that are really altruistic,

88

have their values challenged,

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look down and resent somebody

and play out a narcissistic side.

90

So I don't want to label people.

I think that's a subjective bias.

91

It's a box. It's not the truth

about the whole individual.

92

And so beware. I've had people ,

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you've heard of people that, I mean,

94

Donald Trump is classified by

a lot of people as narcissists,

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but I've known him for 30 years,

I've actually interacted with him.

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So I know he's got the other side.

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I've seen him interacting with his

family and seen him acting with his wife,

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I've seen him very humble and play the

other side. So you don't see that on TV,

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And TV wants to paint a picture

of somebody that's one sided,

100

and you'll want to get labeled that way.

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People can make a business off labeling

people and then selling them things to

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treat a label. But the truth is

that human beings have both sides.

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And one may be conscious, the other

one may vacillate and show the,

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it may show up at another time, or it

may be buried, and may be unconscious.

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They may be actually having an inferiority

complex and covering it up with a

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narcissistic complex

those labels. And so,

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what I love doing is asking questions

to help people balance out their

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labels, within themselves if they, if

they think they're that way, or others.

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See, the narcissist label or persona

tends to be self-absorbed and think

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the self is more than other. And

to have an elevated self-esteem,

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not self-worth, self-esteem, a

self-righteousness, a superiority complex,

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right? A grandiose. And that can

go all the way from moderation,

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which is slight,

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all the way up to a point where it has

a God complex and it's omnipresent,

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omnipotent and omnipotent and omniessence,

where you think you know it all,

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you think you are everything,

you're the center of attention,

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you're the God complex.

That's the extreme.

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That is a sign of an

individual who is in survival,

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and threatened and you know,

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dissociating from something that's

threatening them and it's creating this

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persona. It's not who they are,

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it's the persona that they're

wearing and under different settings,

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they could play off the complete opposite

side. And so in the Demartini Method,

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in the Breakthrough Experience that

I teach, I ask people to go, okay,

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the person comes to the

program and they say, well,

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I have this person who's narcissistic,

my father's narcissistic,

127

or my boyfriend's narcissistic

or whatever. And I go, okay,

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identify what specific trait, action,

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inaction you perceive this individual

displaying or demonstrating that you label

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that way. Whether it's self-absorbed,

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they always want to be right and things

of this nature. And then you go, okay,

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now go to a moment where and when you

perceive them doing the opposite. Well,

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I've never seen that. Ah, ah, go look

again. And then when they go look,

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past their bias, past

their filter, they go, Ooh,

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you're very, very humble here,

and you're very giving over here,

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and very humble there,

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and he listened very

kind of attentive there.

138

And then they find that the other side

was there, and they just blocked it out.

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So be aware of our subjective

biases and labels we put on people.

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It's not who they are.

See, I'm an individual.

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I have a hierarchy of values, a set

of values that are unique to me.

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You support my values, I can

be very nice and altruistic,

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and very generous and kind and all

those other sides, positive, et cetera.

144

But if you challenge my values, I can

be mean as a tiger. Nice as a pussycat,

145

mean as a tiger.

146

And I can get narcissistic and aggressive

and all those other signs that you

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think that are narcissist. When I look

at myself honestly, I've had both.

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And I play out both roles in

different settings at different times.

149

So I'm not one-sided,

and neither are they.

150

Take the time to look deeper. See,

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it's easy to want to label somebody and

dissociate from the dynamic you're in

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and just blame them with

a false attribution bias,

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they're this way and that's why

you're having this problem with them.

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But I found that I, I used to have

patience come in and people say, man,

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I just don't deal with that person.

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And then I find out what their values are

and talk in those values and out comes

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this other side. And they don't do that.

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They're just projecting their values

onto them and they're getting challenging

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them. And whenever you challenge people,

that narcissistic side comes out.

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When you support somebody,

the altruistic side comes out.

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If I care enough about that individual

to find out what their values are and

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care enough to communicate what

I want in terms of their values,

163

I can get the other side.

So beware of the labels,

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because that's not the whole individual.

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The whole individual is

somebody worth loving.

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The narcissistic persona and the

altrutistic personas are just parts,

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and they're not the whole being.

So be aware of those labels,

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because when you're challenged, you

tend to get narcissistic. You know,

169

you tend to want to fight back. When

you get your sympathetic nervous system,

170

you get testosterone, you tend to be

self-absorbed that way to fight back.

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But if you get supported, you tend to

get altruistic and you get estrogen,

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you tend to be the other

side. So don't label people.

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That's not the truth about human

beings. And I know that, I've seen it,

174

I've seen diagnosis, even

in the fields of psychology,

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the diagnostic systems are varied.

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Most people see narcissism as a

spectrum from moderation to extreme.

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And I'm agreeing. When you're in

a situation where you're really,

178

really challenged, you can

get very narcissistic. I can.

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And when you get really, really supported,

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I can get really altruistic and

sacrifice for people. I play both sides.

181

And so do the people, if

you look carefully at them.

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So when I see people going through a

divorce and I see them both labeling them

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and paying lawyers to fit those

labels and psychologists do it,

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those people are just taking advantage

of those misinterpretations and

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subjective biases in those moments

when they're fighting in many cases.

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And then five years later,

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they don't label them that way because

you're getting along with them again.

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And for 10 years in the marriage

they didn't label them that way,

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they get along with them.

When you communicate

effectively in people's values,

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you get the whole individual. But

if you sit and challenge them,

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you'll get the narcissistic side come

out of them. When you support them,

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you get the altruistic side.

I mean, think about it,

193

if all of a sudden you came

home and you said, dad,

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I've got honor role this year,

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and I've got miss prom

queen and I've got you know,

196

president of the

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social body of the school and I've

got a scholarship to this great Ivy

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League school and everything else, can I

borrow the car? Your dad will say, yes,

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absolutely. I'm proud of you. Right?

He'll say yes. But if you go in and say,

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Hey, dad,

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I'm pregnant and I don't know who it was

and I was doing drugs last night and I

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stole your car and I used your credit

card, and the police are after you,

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can I borrow the car again?

, You'll go, no .

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And you'll be really belligerent and

you'll be narcissistic on them and you'll

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start demanding and controlling.

When people feel that they're very,

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very challenged, that narcissistic

side comes out and it's necessary.

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You need a bit of it. You need a

balance of altruism and narcissism.

208

You need ultimately both. In fact,

when the second you get proud,

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we have a licensing effect inside us

that automatically gives ourselves

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permission to do something

we're ashamed of.

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If we go out and work out really strong

and really work out and get, you know,

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get in shape like I did this morning,

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and then all of a sudden you give

yourself permission to overeat or drink or

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maybe eat chocolate or

something like that at night,

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anytime you do something that gives

you credit that you're proud of,

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you automatically give yourself permission

to do something you take blame for

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and that you're ashamed of.

That's the licensing effect.

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And that's going on inside the psyche on

the person that's a narcissist and the

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altruist. There's no

one-sided individual. Now,

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if you are consciously of one,

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conscious of one and unconscious of

the other and you label them, well,

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then that's your subjective bias.

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But if you come fully

conscious and ask the question,

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the quality of your life is

based on the questions you ask,

225

where is the other side

of that individual? And

balance out your perception,

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you'll calm yourself down,

you'll treat them differently,

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you'll interact with them differently,

228

and you'll discover they have a

different action. Watch out for labels,

229

because they're not. Because I found that

the people that are very narcissistic,

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I know an individual that was labeled

narcissistic by a whole lot of people,

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and I saw that individual meet

somebody that they were humbled to

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and admiring and looking up to,

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and I watched their altruistic

behavior come out relative to them,

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because now they're perceiving it.

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But they were perceiving themselves maybe

more superior and too proud to admit

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what they see in others inside themselves

relative to the people that were

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labeling them. So be aware of the labels.

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The reality is that human beings have

both sides. And if we can see both sides,

239

we can bring it out. I've learned out

when you love people for who they are,

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they turn into who you love. If

you love them for both sides,

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you get both sides. If you actually label

somebody and you then challenge them,

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then label them, put them down,

243

they're going to get more sympathetic

activation, more arrogant in the process,

244

and you're going to end up finding out

that you just now created your belief

245

system. Wiser to go and find out

where the other side is and not react.

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That lady that I met that I

thought was all, you know,

247

self-absorbed and narcissistic,

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turned out to be one of the

most philanthropic ladies,

249

most very generous ladies and

giving ladies and caring ladies,

250

and I got to know her over time. You know,

251

don't let that first impression of

that facade that you get interfere with

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getting to know individuals.

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When you are actually infatuated with

people and put them on a pedestal,

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you are blind to the downside. When you

resent people and put them in the pit,

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you're blind to the upside.

When you get to love somebody,

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you get to see both sides.

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And watch out for labels because it

means you're only seeing one side of the

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individual. For every narcissistic

tendency, there's an altruistic tendency.

259

Look carefully. Even in the reality

I've seen in the business world,

260

I've seen when people are entrepreneurs

and they learn to delegate things

261

and hire people and extract surplus

labor value out of it and make profits,

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if they get more than above the

average in society and become wealthy,

263

they also wake up sometimes

philanthropic activities.

264

And the person that's now below and there

seems to be altruistic and sacrificing

265

for the company,

266

they end up becoming more social

welfare oriented and they think,

267

well people owe them something. So the

conscious side maybe look altruistic,

268

but then there's an

unconscious side that says,

269

I deserve and I'm entitled

and you owe me something.

270

And the narcissist side that you

think is there, that's conscious,

271

has an unconscious side

that's philanthropic,

272

that's trying to make a contribution.

273

So don't be fooled by facades and labels.

274

Look for both sides.

275

And you will find out that the labels

and diagnostic labels that people put are

276

usually signs of subjective bias and

ignorance on the people's parts who are

277

diagnosing them. They're choosing and

selecting only part of the equation.

278

And so I find out when you treat

people that way, you get that outcome.

279

When you actually, and by the way, if

you try to run away from those people,

280

you run into those same people again,

281

because it's your button

that you're dealing with,

282

your own subjective bias and you

keep running into those people.

283

That's why you see people keep attracting

these narcissists as they label them,

284

because they're not owning where it is.

285

If you take the time to go in there and

look at where you're pointing a finger

286

at them and where you're doing

the same thing inside your life,

287

that's what's usually going on.

288

When two people are in a

battle in the divorce process,

289

this person over here is

labeling that person narcissist.

290

This person there is labeling

that person narcissistic.

291

They're both trying to get what they want,

292

and both thinking

about themselves,

293

instead of going for a

sustainable fair exchange.

294

All symptoms in our life, in our

social life, in our business life,

295

our financial life, in all areas of our

life, are trying to get us authentic,

296

and to try to create a sustainable

fair exchange where narcissism and

297

altruism are brought into

equilibrium. That state of equanimity,

298

that state of equity, that's

the state where power is.

299

So be aware of the lies you

make in yourself about a

narcissist or an altruist.

300

There aren't anybody.

301

I found out people that think they're

altruist have a hidden agenda,

302

and they may not admit

it, but it's unconscious,

303

but it's there and I can uncover

it and show it and reveal it.

304

It's either compensation for guilt of the

past or a hidden agenda of the future.

305

And just like narcissism,

it's compensation for the

past, pride of the past,

306

and a hidden agenda,

philanthropic agenda. So don't be,

307

don't be fooled by facades.

Look carefully for both sides.

308

Find both sides and learn to love people.

309

And realize that whatever we judge

in others, we have within ourself.

310

Find it in yourself.

311

Go to the moment where and when

you perceive yourself displaying or

312

demonstrating the same

thing you perceive in them,

313

and you'll find out that the fingers

out there are pointing back at you and

314

you're also doing the same. And you

have both sides just like they do.

315

When you can see that in you

and you can see that in them,

316

you liberate yourself from a lot of burden

and you also learn how to manage the

317

state. Because when you love

people for who they are,

318

they turn into who you love. So I

just wanted to take a moment on that.

319

That's why I tell people to come

to the Breakthrough Experience.

320

I teach people how to

discern those distinctions,

321

how to neutralize the perceptions,

how to own the traits,

322

how to stop the labels,

323

how to love people and watch the

transformation and the dynamics of people

324

around you the moment you

change the dynamics within you.

325

That's why I tell people, come

to the Breakthrough Experience,

326

because it's a very powerful eye-opening,

327

trajectory changing experience for

two days on how to deal with people

328

and yourself, how to love yourself

and others more profoundly,

329

because that's going to help

you in all areas of life.

330

It's going to help you

in your mental powers,

331

because you're going to have less noise

in the brain from all the judgments,

332

it's going to help you in your business

because you're going to treat people

333

more as equals, instead

of labeling people.

334

You're going to learn how to help

yourself financially because when you do,

335

you're more likely to be

poised and present and less

emotional with vicissitudes

336

and volatility.

337

You're going to be more stable in your

relationship because people don't want to

338

be labeled, they want to be loved.

And when you're in social settings,

339

the same thing there. Beware of those

labels. I see this all over the place.

340

I see people labeling these people

absolute evil. No they're not.

341

They're human beings. They're

raising families. They love.

342

So beware of the labels and

I see that affecting health,

343

people that label people

are stuck in health issues,

344

and they're definitely not inspired.

345

Every time you judge you block your

inspiration, every time you love,

346

you liberate it. So come to

the Breakthrough Experience.

347

Let me show you how to love the

things you thought were unlovable,

348

and that includes you and all the

things you're judging in yourself.

349

Because I guarantee you,

350

nobody on the outside are you judging

that's not also representing parts of you

351

on the inside.

352

So I just wanted to share a moment

on this so-called narcissistic idea,

353

the truth of narcissism or altruism,

and realize they're inseparable.

354

The true you has a combination of both

and you deserve to be loved for both.

355

And both are serving as

feedback mechanisms to help

you become authentic and

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live with sustainable fair exchange where

you maximize your potential in life.

357

So I'll see you at The

Breakthrough Experience. Thank

you for joining me today.

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See you next week.