It’s a big question (especially when your kids are little) - What would I be doing to set my child up for success in adulthood? We all want our kids to thrive and be well. Today, I’m sharing the 3 essential beliefs kids need for emotional health.

You’ll Learn:

• The 3 essential beliefs that help ensure your child grows up to have good self esteem, take risks, think for themselves, be responsible, and have good relationships
• What you can do to support these beliefs in your kid
• Practical examples of how to reinforce these beliefs, even when your child is misbehaving
• How to coach your kid through negative thoughts

This episode breaks down the key ingredients to helping your kid become emotionally healthy and resilient - now and as an adult.

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The three essential beliefs are:

1. I am safe.
2. I’m lovable.
3. I am capable.

These are the beliefs that help ensure your child grows up to have good self esteem, take risks, think for themselves, be responsible, and have good relationships with others and with their own body.

Each person comes into the world preset to believe these things. They want them to be proven true. The problem happens when they start to get different messages or they have experiences in childhood happen to them and that are never explained.

Your child's earliest years (between 0-5) set the groundwork for their subconscious beliefs about themselves and the world. And those beliefs are reinforced up until around age 12. They are absorbing messages all the time about themselves and the world based on their environment and their interactions with you.

You have a lot of influence over your child's beliefs about themselves. When you can reinforce these essential beliefs in them - showing them that they’re safe, lovable, and capable - they get the message and carry those beliefs with them into adulthood.

Belief #1: I am safe.

This is the belief that I am safe, and the world is safe. I don't need to worry so much about my needs. I can relax in my environment, and from that relaxed state I can go and try and do hard things and take big swings in the world and live my life.

Why it matters

Babies cannot meet any of their own physical needs, so they trust and rely on us to care for them. This is the beginning of building safety. “The grownups in my world are safe.”

As they get a little older, safety becomes not only physical but also emotional. They want to know that you can handle their big feelings. You are the person who will protect, not harm, them. They don’t need to be scared of you.

The idea of safety also shifts as we see more behaviors. They might start to see safety as conditional. That they are safe and cared for as long as they act a certain way. It can also be based on the adult’s emotional capacity, patience, etc. When their safety is in question, the child becomes hypervigilant and aware. They’re always looking around trying to figure out, “Am I safe?”.

Without a core belief that the world is safe, we start to see things like anxiety, dissociating, seeking safety in relationships (or rejecting relationships), and other unhealthy behaviors.

What to do

The goal, then, is to be a physically and emotionally reliable caregiver for your child. This means regulating your nervous system, so that you can be calm and reinforce these core beliefs.

Boundaries and rules are also important to creating a sense of safety. We don’t want to be too harsh or rigid, but predictable routines and limits help kids know what to expect and show them that their adult is going to do what they say they will do. I like to think of these rhythms as a metronome in the background of life.

Belief #2: I am lovable.

You can also think of this belief as “I'm good enough”. We want our kids to walk through the world believing that they're good enough exactly as they are. That they're worthy of love, and you accept them unconditionally.

Why it matters

Kids have a really hard time separating themselves from their behavior. So when you communicate that you don’t like how they’re acting, it can be confusing. They can take it to mean that you don’t like them. Or that you only love them when they’re behaving a certain way.

This means that you have to actively communicate to them that they're lovable no matter how they act, that they are good enough, and that you accept them exactly as they are. They don't have to do anything or be anything different in order to receive your unconditional acceptance. They can't earn your love, and it can't be taken away.

When a child goes through life thinking that they're not good enough or they're not lovable, they show up with a lot of people pleasing behavior. They may be perfectionistic. They may deny their own needs or their own ideas. They might squash down their creativity or intuition because they think they need to show up in a certain way in order to be accepted by the adults in their life.

What to do

One of the really difficult thoughts for us to work through as parents is, “I love my kid, but I don’t like them right now.” We have to actively work on shifting that to, “I like my child no matter how they act.”

Let’s be honest, this is more challenging with some kids than others.

One of my favorite tools is called a Delight List. You write out a list of things that you like about your kid. Then, you can communicate to them, “I like you”, “I find you delightful”, “You're my kid and I enjoy having you in particular as my kid”.

I want to clarify one thing: Unconditional acceptance does not mean that we’re letting misbehavior slide. The difference is in the way that we communicate boundaries and consequences. It’s the frustration, blaming, anger, and shame that we’re getting rid of. You can have compassion for why your child might not want to follow a particular rule, while also being firm.

Remind yourself that they are still learning how to follow directions, delay gratification, and control their impulses. They’re little, and they’re figuring it out.

Belief #3: I’m capable.

This is the belief that I can handle things, I can figure stuff out, and I know how to take care of myself.

Why it matters

In order for your child to believe that they are capable of learning, growing, doing new things, and mastering new skills…they have to make mistakes.

And this isn’t just about learning to clean up their messes or tie their shoes. There’s so much growth going on beneath the surface. Kids are also learning how to manage their nervous system, regulate their emotions, delay gratification, and understand cause and effect.

They’re going to make a lot of mistakes.

If you get frustrated and angry when they make those mistakes, you end up communicating to your child, “You’re not good enough, and it doesn’t seem like you’re capable.”

What to do

Normalize misbehavior and mistakes. Make sure your child understands that they’re not “bad” when they mess up. They’re still learning. This means that you want to create an environment where it’s normal to not know how to do everything.

When you start to feel frustrated, try looking at your child’s behavior through a different lens. Where is that behavior coming from? Is it emotional immaturity? Physical immaturity? An immature nervous system? Lack of skill? If you can see your child's behavior from a neutral lens (or even a compassionate lens), then you can be compassionate towards them.

Adopt a growth mindset that your kid gets to be a beginner. They get to work towards higher and higher levels of skill. They won’t be good at everything (including behaving), and that’s okay.

Coaching Your Kid Through Negative Thoughts

Sometimes kids will share with you the negative thoughts that they have in their heads. They might think things like:

• You don't love me
• You hate me
• I'm stupid
• No one likes me
• I'm a bad boy/girl
• Everyone is mad at me

It can be difficult to hear that your child is thinking these things. But it is beautiful that they feel comfortable sharing those thoughts with you. And it gives you the opportunity to coach them through it.

Here’s how:

1. Validate their feeling. Narrate back what they said to you. Name to emotion(s) you think they might be feeling. Ask them, “Are you thinking…?” “I wonder if you’re feeling…?” Let them know that the way they’re feeling makes sense.
2. Don’t get defensive or minimize or dismiss what they’re telling you. Instead, you can mirror back to them, saying something like:

• “I know that you're safe. I would never let anybody hurt you.”
• “I know how I think. I know that I don’t hate you. I love you no matter how you act.”
• “I know for sure that you’re capable of doing your math homework. Mistakes happen. You’re still learning, and that’s okay.”

1. Allow time for them to regulate. Maybe they need a little hug from you or to move their body a bit.
2. Coach the mind. Explain that those negative thoughts come and go, like clouds in the sky. They don’t have to stay.

Here’s the underlying message:

Hey, you know what? You're safe in this world and in this family and in this environment. No matter how you act, you're lovable. I'm going to know you're capable even when you make mistakes. I'm here to support you no matter how you act.

And just in case no one has ever told you, I want you to know that I know that you are safe, you are lovable, and you are capable. And you are actively becoming the parent that you want to be.

Free Resources:

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✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

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Welcome back to another episode of Become a Calm Mama. I'm your

host. I'm Darlin Childress. I'm a life and parenting coach. And on the

episode today, I want to talk to you about the three

essential beliefs kids need for emotional health.

I have a lot of parents who talk to me about wanting to make sure

that they don't, like, mess up their kid. They want to help their

children grow up to have a good self esteem and to

take risks and to think for themselves and be responsible and

have a good relationship with others and with their body. And all of

those things that you think about as what you want for your kids,

your vision for them when they grow up. And we all worry a

little bit about how to do it when they're little, like, what are we

supposed to be doing when they're young in order to set them

up for that success in adulthood? That is

like such a great question to be asking.

And so on this episode, I want to take that question of like,

how do I help my kid become emotionally

healthy? What are the key ingredients? Or

what do I need to make sure I'm doing in their childhood

to prepare them and set them up for success? Right. That's what

we're all trying to do as parents, is give our kids

the essential things they need in order to thrive

and be well. Now, for me, my goal

is to heal the next generation in advance. So my

thought is I want to help kids not have to spend

their 20s and 30s and 40s and 50s even

recovering from their childhood. I want to help you

raise your kids in a way that you don't create childhood wounds.

Right? That you don't create trauma and that you help your kids

grow up in a way that they are really

functioning. Emotionally resilient, emotionally healthy, emotionally

mature adults. Isn't that like what we're all working on

even now? So as a parent, I'm sure that's what you want to do and

you want to raise your kids in a way that gives them that emotional

maturity that you're working on even now. So let's

talk about what it takes or what are these

essentials that I'm referring to today? There are three

core beliefs that your kids need to have about

themselves in order to be emotionally healthy. These core

beliefs are ready. There's three I'm gonna list them to. I'm going to

list them to you. The first is I am safe. So

that belief that I am safe, the world is

safe. I don't need to worry so much

about my needs. That I can relax in my

environment and and from that relaxed state I

can go and try and do hard things

and take big swings in the world and live my

life. So this core essential

belief that your child needs to have is that they are safe.

And I'll talk more about what that entails. The second

core belief, your child needs to grow up with

the thought I'm good enough. Or you could think of

it as I'm lovable. So we want our

kids to walk through the world believing

that they're good enough exactly as they are. That

they're worthy of love and that they're lovable. They

don't have to work at that. They don't have to strive to get acceptance.

They don't have to strive to get love. They don't have to strive to get

worth. They have that it is an essential core

value within them that they are good enough exactly

as they are. So we have I am safe.

I'm good enough. I'm capable. That's the

third one. I am capable. I can handle things,

I can figure stuff out. I know how to take care of

myself. Now when you're little, you don't know that yet.

You're learning that you're capable. When you're

little, you don't know that you're safe. You have to trust the

adults around you, right? When you're little, you don't know

if you're lovable. Now each person comes in the

world preset to believe these things

like they want to be proven true. I am

safe. They believe that that is possible. They're born with the

belief that the caregivers around them are going to take care

of them. Children are born with the belief I'm good enough

and lovable. They're born with the belief I'm capable.

That's their preset. Their mindset,

right is set that way. Their cognitive bias is

I'm safe. I'm good enough. I'm capable. The problem

happens though in childhood when they start to get different

messages or they have subconscious

experiences or experiences that happen to them

in and that are never explained. That they are like non

verbal memories or impressions or kind of

like if you're a fish and you're swimming in the water, you don't really

know what water is, right? It's just the environment that you're in. So your

children are absorbing messages all the time

about themselves and the world based on their

interactions with you. So they come out, they're

born and they're like, the world is safe. I'm safe, I'm good enough,

and I'm capable. The world is my oyster. Okay?

Now, when things are ideal

and circumstances and experiences that your

children have facilitate those beliefs, like if they

are, you know, you can create an environment of safety for your

child. If you can teach, you know, keep showing them that

they're lovable and that they're good enough, if you can reinforce to them that

they're capable. And that's the messages that they get. Those are the

subconscious beliefs that they carry with them into

adulthood. Your child's earliest years

set the groundwork for their subconscious beliefs about

themselves and the world. Their nervous system is

pride. Predominantly wired in those early

childhood years, 0 to 5, and then sort of

reinforced in those years between 5 to 12.

So kind of childhood in general is 0 to

12. Essentially. Could be a little bit earlier, 11

or could be a little bit later. It's essentially the period of time that you

are a child before you are an adolescent, before you go through

puberty. You are in childhood. That's the time period that

I'm referring to that you have a lot of influence over

your children's beliefs about themselves. So a lot of

times when we start with I am safe versus I'm not safe, we

talk a lot about establishing that safe

environment and creating secure attachment. And a lot

of times it's only limited to infancy. And in

reality, your child is looking at at their environment

and trying to understand it. All the way through their

childhood, all the way through 10 or 11, they're still working

out that essential belief of I am safe.

So, yes, of course, when they're little, when they're first

born and they cannot meet any of their

physical needs, we are teaching them

that we are their caregiver, that we are the person they can trust

and rely on, and that we will meet their basic needs. And that's

the beginning of helping them believe. Like, yep, the world is

safe. The caregivers around me are trustworthy. They help me sleep.

They help me stay warm, they help me stay clean. They feed me.

They care for me when I'm sad or crying or scared. The

grownups in my world are safe. And we start out in

infancy giving that to our children. Now

when our kids get a little bit older,

we forget that they're still working on believing

that the world is safe and it goes into both the physical

and the emotional world. They want to know that the adults

around them can handle their

emotional safety, that you are the person

that they don't need to be scared of. Right. That you

are the person that protects them from harm, you're not the person

that harms them. Now this is of course very easy.

When children are little and they don't talk back to us and they don't

have behaviors yet really. Right. We can

have a lot more understanding of like a six month

old who is having trouble and crying a lot. But when it's

a six year old, we have a lot less patience for that. And

we might start to communicate that, you know what,

you're not physically safe because you're being naughty. And we

start to connect emotional safety and physical safety to

their behavior. The child starts to learn that their environment

is not essentially safe. It's only safe

when they act a certain way. That it's not

unconditionally safe, that they're not

unconditionally cared for, that they're cared for

only based on their behavior or the adult's emotional

capacity, or the adults, whether the adults are like wanting to

take care of them or not, it becomes conditional. Now if

safety is conditional based on my behavior,

that means that I as the person need to become vigilant

and be in a hyper state of awareness and always looking at my environment

trying to figure out, am I safe, am I safe, am I safe? Like for

example, for me, when I was growing up, when I was really

little, most of my physical needs were

maintained or met by my mom. But as I got older,

some of my physical needs were not met. Like I was

hungry or I wasn't cared for, or if I had big

feelings or emotional fears, I wasn't being cared for.

I was in a state of neglect because of my mom's own

mental health issues and her own physical

limitations. She couldn't take care of me. So as

a little kid, I was taken care of. But as her mental health

declined and her circumstances in her life and she made

choices that put me in positions where I was with people who

were not safe, men who were not safe, caregivers who were not safe.

I learned, oh my goodness, the world is not safe. I better become

vigilant, I better be protective of myself.

If I don't get to inherit a core essential belief that the

world is safe, then my nervous system is going to become activated

and I'm going to become hyper vigilant, I'm going to become anxious,

I might disassociate from my body, I might seek safety in

relationships, or I might reject relationships because I decide

they're not safe. So we want to be a

emotionally physically reliable

caregiver to our kids. That's a lot about. What

this podcast is all about is becoming a calm mama so that

we can show up with our kids in a way that

gives them these messages that they're safe, they're good enough,

they're lovable, they're capable. Another thing that recreates

safety, actually, is when adults around you have boundaries.

When you know that the adult, what they say they're going to

do, they do it. Or the rules, when the rules

are firm, not rigid. Because

if you're too rigid, then the child might intercept the world

as being like, your rigidity, your lack of safety makes your

child feel like the world isn't safe. They might catch your

emotional hypervigilance and interpret that

as being like, oh, the world isn't safe. So we don't want too much rigidity,

but we do want predictable routines. We want to follow through

with our rules and with our boundaries because it helps the child say,

okay, look, this caregiver, I can pretty much rely on

what they say they're going to do, they're going to do. How

they're going to treat me is predictable. They basically treat me

the same way. We basically eat the same way every day. We

sleep at the same time. We, we have a regulated

family system. Predictable, with routines.

I'm not saying it has to be consistent every day. It doesn't have to be

super strict. Rigidity actually creates insecurity.

To be honest. We can't be too rigid because that

communicates anxiety to our kids. But we do want to create a

predictable rhythm. I always think of, like a metronome in the

background of life. If you can kind of have that. That system

be a little bit reliable and predictable, your kids will feel safe. So again,

emotional safety and physical safety are both really,

really important. The next core belief, I'm good enough or

I'm lovable, is a creating a

baseline for your child of unconditional worth.

Unconditional love. I often think of this as

unconditional acceptance, because most

parents love their kids. If I were to ask any parent, do you love your

kid? Do you love your kid unconditionally? They will say, yes, of course.

Like, what are you talking about? But when I press a little

bit on, how do you treat your child when they hit

you? How do you treat your child when they hit their sibling? How do you

hit. Treat your child when they don't do their chores, when they don't

follow directions, when they don't listen to you? And a lot of

times all here, you know, or myself, even in the past would

like, oh, I get really mad at them. I yell, I tell them that they

need to act better. I tell them that they're not being good. Right? So

when we have an

attitude towards our children where we like our

kid, but we don't like how they act, it can be confusing for our

child because they are pretty sure you mean that

you don't like them. They conflate their behavior with their own

sense of identity. It's really hard for kids to

separate themselves from their behavior. They

are, you are what you eat kind of idea. They are how they act.

That's what they think. So we have to actively work at

communicating to them that they're

lovable no matter how they act, that they are good

enough, that we accept them exactly as they are.

And I can tell you that's really hard to, to do, to

feel the way towards them of unconditional

acceptance when you don't like them sometimes,

right? So we have to work through that feeling of

like, I love my kid, but I don't like them. Your child will

internalize that message. They will feel that from you. We

have to actively work on I like my child no

matter how they act. And really being able

to have our child believe

that they don't have to do anything or be any

different in order to receive our unconditional acceptance.

We want to communicate to our kids that they have

our acceptance and that our love, no matter what, that they can't

earn it and it can't be taken away, that it doesn't depend on

their behavior or their personality. Now, if you have a really

delightful child that's very easygoing, pretty

compliant, and goes with the flow,

neurotypical, no issues. It's

very easy to communicate this

belief that you're good enough no matter what. It is

harder if you have a child who has a really big

personality or who has neurodivergence like ADHD and and they

have impulse control, or you have a child who

is preset towards some anxious feelings or

negative thinking or behavior that's troubling

for you. If your child acts in a way that

you don't like, it can be hard to not communicate to them that you don't

like them. So one of the tools that I always go back to all the

time is even I've done this for myself, is creating a delight list

and actively writing down things that I like about

my kid so that when I am around them, I can communicate

to them, I like you, that I find

you delightful, that you are the child I like,

you're my kid and I enjoy having you in particular

as my kid. This is that whole piece about

authenticity, right? Your child has an authentic

core self and they want to believe that that

core self is lovable. Now when a child

goes through life with thinking that they're not good enough or

they're not lovable, they will show up with

a lot of people pleasing behavior. They may be

perfectionistic. They may deny

their own needs or their own ideas or their own

creativity or their own intuition. They may squash that

down because they've looked around at the environment and they realize, oh, the adults

only like when I act like this and they will want to

show up that way. So we have to work at saying

no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I love you no matter what. I accept

you no matter how you act. You are lovable all the time. Even

though you have these quirky parts of your personality. It's I don't love you

despite those. I love you because of those. And I'm telling you, that

takes a lot of work. Don't feel discouraged or beat

yourself up of like, gosh, you know what, she's right. I really don't like my

kid. I want you to work on liking your kid, finding

some things that you enjoy about them. Because I don't want

your child to grow up to be a perfectionist or to have social

anxiety or to people please or to be sacrificial

or secretive or you know, obsessed with outward success

like performative, you know, how they look or how they perform in

school or how they perform in sports or how much stuff they have,

right? That is a person. When

someone has those strategies and they're focused on getting that

acceptance from how, from something on the external,

on the outside that shows that deep down they don't

believe I'm lovable exactly as I am. I'm worthy

of love, I'm worthy of acceptance exactly as I am.

Looking out for yourself and thinking about how am I showing up?

And we have to be careful when we're disciplining a child because your child

will have out of bounds behavior. They will, they're little,

they don't know how the world works yet. And they also don't have a

lot of good reason to do what is being told of them,

right? They want to play, they want to have fun, they want to

get what they want. They don't want to delay gratification, they

don't want to just do things because they're supposed to. They're told to,

right? We don't want kids who just people please all the time. But we do

want kids who are compliant. So that's why we have to set limits and have

boundaries, have rules, have routines. And then when our kids go outside

of those boundaries and break the rule, for example, hey, you

know, we can play toys. Once you guys have

put your socks and shoes in the shoe bin, and then they don't put their

socks and shoes away, and you have to say, okay, we're not going to play

toys because there hasn't been cleanup on the socks and shoes yet.

So, you know, I'm going to hold that boundary. We're not going to, you know,

play in the toy room or, you know, I'm not going to get the crayons

out or the markers or whatever the play doh. Until you guys

clean this up or until you clean this up. And then they kind of have

a big feeling cycle. Now, in that moment, we might

be communicating to our child, you know what? If you would just be good, it

would be so much easier. You know, why are you being like this? And we're

exasperated and we're frustrated and we're blaming

our child and we're angry with our child for their behavior. We have to put

that in check a little bit and understand, hey, you have

feelings, you have thoughts, you don't want to listen because of

where you're at. And that makes sense. And the rule is the

rule. So we are making sure that we're not

communicating to our child that we only want to play with them

or interact with them or do things for them when

they're quote, unquote, good. We want to know that they are

still learning how to follow directions,

how to delay gratification, how to control their impulses,

that they're little and they're figuring it out, and

that they're going to learn how to take care of themselves and they're going to

get bigger. That leads me into the I'm capable piece.

In order for your child to believe that they are capable,

that they're capable of learning and growing and doing

new things and mastering new skills, is

by making mistakes. Being in

an environment where it's normal to not know how to do

everything right, that goes back to, I'm good enough,

I'm lovable even when I am acting

bad, right? I'm good. You. Even when I'm, quote, bad.

Our kids need to understand that they're not bad, that they're

making a mistake, that they're still learning, and

that's totally normal. So we want to normalize

misbehavior, we want to normalize mistakes.

We want to view our children as children, as little

people who are still learning how to manage their nervous

system, how to regulate their emotions, how to delay

gratification, how to understand cause and effect, how to

take care of themselves and have multiple things in

a list in their mind that they're supposed to do. They're still

young. They don't have access to executive functioning to the same degree

that we have as adults. So they're going to make a lot of mistakes.

And if we get angry that they are

acting impulsively, if we get angry that they are not

delaying gratification, if we get angry that they

are sitting down to do their homework, and instead of doing that, they're playing with

their pencil and we're like, what's wrong with you? Come on, just get to

it. And we're like, frustrated all the time. What we're

communicating to our children is, you know what? You're not good

enough. And it doesn't seem like you're capable. And that's a terrible

message. And I know that's not what you want to send to your children. I

know that's not actually how you think and feel about them,

but it might be how you are coming across because

of your own emotional dysregulation. So

as a parent, I want you to adopt this growth mindset

for your kids, that they get to be beginners

and they get to work towards higher and higher levels of

skills, normalizing. They won't be good at everything, and that's okay. But

that includes behaving. That includes a morning routine, a

bedtime routine. You are going to feel frustrated with your children

often. But if you are able to look at their

behavior from that lens of, oh, this is emotional

immaturity. This is emotional,

like physical immaturity. This is an immature nervous system.

This is a lack of skill in terms of self regulation.

If you can see your child's behavior from that neutral lens

or even a compassionate lens, then you can be compassionate

towards them. You can be kind towards them while still being

firm, always having that underlying message with your

kids, hey, you know what? You're safe in this world and in this family

and in this environment. No matter how you act, you're lovable. No

matter how you act, I'm going to think you're capable. I'm going to know you're

capable even when you make mistakes, which that means we have to be

okay with mistakes. We have to be okay with misbehavior.

So what does this look like in practice? Right. So in

practice, I've given you some examples of when you see misbehavior. Right. We

still want to be able to hold our boundaries.

Whatever we've said is going to happen. Like, lights out is at 8

or I'll read books to you for 10 minutes and then I'm going to sit

on the chair next to your bed. Whatever the rule is or whatever

the limit is, I want you to follow through with that limit.

And when your child is struggling to maintain emotional

regulation in the midst of that boundary, that you stay

as calm as possible, that you hold space for

that emotional upset. And you teach your children,

of course you validate, of course you don't want me to leave the room. That

makes sense. But I am going to leave and you are capable

of falling asleep on your own. I believe in you. I'll come check on

you in a couple of minutes. I want you to keep sending the

message. It's okay if you struggle, it's okay. But I know you

can get, you can do it. I know you can manage your big feelings.

I'm here to support you no matter how you act, giving that

message to your kids. The other thing I wanted to talk about is

sometimes kids will share with you

the negative thoughts that they have in their heads. Like,

oh, you don't love me, you hate me,

or I'm stupid, or no one likes me, or I'm a bad

boy, or I'm a bad girl, or everyone is mad at me or

it's scary and they are giving you

this negative thought. Right? They're

saying something that's in their mind that you don't

want them to be thinking. What is beautiful about

it is at least, at least they're telling you their thoughts. That

is so important. Because you, when you know what your children

are thinking, we are able to coach them, we validate

their feeling. We say, okay, let me, let me. You're saying that

you think I hate you. Are you feeling a little bit

scared that I'm mad at you? Are you feeling worried? So

we narrate that thought and we, we hear them

say, you know, no one likes me. You say, oh, I hear you. Are you,

are you thinking that no one likes you, like no one likes you at all?

Or are you thinking that you're saying I hate you like you're thinking, mommy

hates you? Is that what you think? A lot of times

if you just question the thought and you put just a little bit of a

mirror in front of it where they're saying, you know, you like

my brother more or you like my sibling more, and

you say, oh, are you thinking that I like your sibling more than I like

you? That's what you're thinking, huh?

Yeah. Does that make you feel a little bit sad when you're thinking

that? Are you feeling worried that I don't like you that much?

Yeah, that makes sense that you'd be feeling worried about that, because I gave your

brother cookies before you. Yeah,

that makes sense. So you're narrating the thought,

you're naming the feeling, and then you're allowing time. You're

allowing that regulation time so we're not rushing

to get to that new. That's not true. You know that's not true. Why

would you say that? That's not very nice. Do you think that Mommy likes

to hear that? All of that minimizing or

dismissive behavior that you might have, that you might say to your

kids, it's not really useful. All we want to do is

mirror back and say to our kids, this is what you're thinking. This

is what you're feeling. This is validating that. And

then you can say, well, you know what? I know.

I know how I think. I know that I don't hate you. I know that

I love you no matter how you act. I know that's true.

I know that for sure that you're capable of, you

know, doing your math homework. I know there's a lot of people that do like

you. I know that you're safe. I know that the

grownups are. I would never let anybody hurt you.

I know that no matter what you say, nothing could ever make me love you

less. I know you're capable. Mistakes happen. You're

still learning. That's okay. You're not supposed to do

everything perfect. So when your child

expresses their negative thought, you want to narrate

that thought, like, mirror it back. I hear you saying that

you're thinking that I don't like you or that you're

stupid, and then naming the feeling that is

under there. Like, are you feeling worried? Are you

feeling sad? Are you feeling nervous? Are you

feeling angry? And then saying that feeling makes sense. We all

have those feelings. That's okay. It's okay to be angry with Mommy.

It's okay to be worried. And then you kind of give a minute for them

to, like, regulate their emotion. Maybe they need to have a

little hug from you, or they need to move their body a little bit, just

noticing and narrating what their body might

need to regulate in that moment. So we narrate the thought, we

name the feeling, we regulate the body, and then

we coach the mind. So then you start to do

mindset dispelling that negative thought by confirming what

is true. So all the negative thoughts that

come up, those are just thoughts. They're like clouds. They

go, they come and go. But if we think them over and over and over,

they become our weather, they become our regular

experience, they become our beliefs. So

your children are going to show up with thoughts like, I'm

not safe, I'm not lovable, I'm not capable.

They're going to say those things in some version that's

normal. Those are normal thoughts. And what I want

you to do is not let those thoughts become beliefs

by narrating the thought, naming the feeling,

regulating the body, coaching the mind. That

is the connection tool in a nutshell, kind of

dispelling any of those negative thoughts. First, you have to make sure

you don't have any of those negative thoughts. Make sure you don't have any of

those negative beliefs about your kids. Make sure you're thinking the

world is safe. Make sure you're thinking your child is unconditionally

lovable. Make sure you're thinking that your child is capable

of and that mistakes are normal. Check yourself.

Notice if your thoughts are aligned with the parent you want to be.

If you're not, then move that mindset so that you can

show up in that connection space with your kids and

communicating to them. You are safe, you are lovable,

and you are capable. And just in case no one has

ever told you that, I want you to know that I know

that you are safe, you are lovable, and you are

capable, and you are actively becoming the parent

that you want to be. All right, thanks for listening.

I will talk to you next week. I hope you have a great week.