About This Episode In this raw and reflective episode, David Figueroa-Martinez explores the intersection of Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu and manhood. From growing up as an introverted, comic-collecting kid without a strong male blueprint to standing grounded through high-stress conflicts at 45, David breaks down how the gentle art provides an emotional and physical foundation. He addresses the trap of fragile ego, the critical need for calm leadership, and why the grappling community must hold its men accountable to protect and support everyone on the mats.
3 Key Takeaways
Quiet Competence Eliminates Fragile Ego: Building authentic skill on the mats provides an internal foundation, eliminating the urge to react defensively or violently to disrespect.
Calmness Is an Anchor, Not a Performance: True de-escalation and assertive boundary-setting stem from knowing you can handle physical conflict if it arises, allowing you to choose peace first.
Leadership Means Stamping Out Toxicity: Coaches and higher belts bear the direct responsibility of policing their own culture, protecting vulnerable training partners, and shutting down predatory behavior immediately.
Chapters
00:00 – Introduction: The Introverted Kid and Piecing Together Manhood
04:12 – Finding Mentors: Comic Cards, TV Models, and a Vietnam Veteran
08:35 – The Vons Parking Lot: Deciding to Stand Watch
12:45 – Jiu-Jitsu as an Emotional and Physical Foundation
16:50 – Dismantling the Ego: Why Names Can’t Hurt Built Men
20:30 – Setting Boundaries and Facing Workplace Conflict
22:50 – Addressing Toxicity and Abuse in the Jiu-Jitsu Community
25:15 – Leading the Next Generation and Final Thoughts
Everything here is pulled from real mats, real classes, and real conversations about what actually works. Choose the tier that fits where you are right now.
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Stay tapped in,
David Figueroa-Martinez
Founder, DFM Coaching Bjj
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Transcripts
Full Transcript
Welcome to Tapped In. My name is David Figueroa-Martinez of DFM Coaching, and today we're going to be discussing Jiu-Jitsu and manhood, and what sometimes I think people get wrong or miss. So, some background on me. I was a quiet, introverted kid. Really shy, really just in his own head space. My mom has told me as an adult that she used to worry about me as a kid, because I would literally sit in my own stuff, and I would just be drawing and playing with my toys, and I didn't need a ton of interactions with other people. Not saying that I didn't have friends, not saying that I didn't go outside and play sports, not saying that I didn't have those interactions. But I was the weird kid that could be left alone, and I would conjure up a whole world in my head of things. And I would write, and as I grew up I ended up getting into writing and poetry, and I was just in my own space.
I loved the arts. I loved drawing comic book characters. We had index cards, and I would make my own comic book character, and on the back there would be their stats, their strength, and their intelligence bars, and all this other shit in detail. That's what I enjoyed doing. Nerd shit. I collected comic books, comic book cards, baseball and basketball cards. I still have a decent amount of them in my closet; I never want to give them up. I have a Don Mattingly All-Star card that's my prized possession. I was a nerd, and I enjoyed that aspect.
Going into manhood, I had a lot of not knowing what the fuck it meant. I don't mean this to bash, but my dad wasn't involved in that sense. He was married to my mom; they got divorced when I think I was 21 or 22 roughly. But he was not a dad in that sense. He did not bestow knowledge on me, show me how to ride a bike, throw a ball, or do all the things typical fathers do. So I had to piece together what manhood was to me. I had a conversation with my mom recently—we meet for breakfast and chat—and she asked me, "How did you figure it out?" I told her, "I haven't really figured it out; I'm figuring it out. I'm piecing things together."
I pulled from TV. I didn't have uncles, grandparents, or older men in the picture for the most part. I looked at versions of men on TV that I liked, and I would pull certain characteristics from those people. I didn't have a male figure I could emulate and go to regularly. When I was about 20, I worked at CompuUSA. There was an older gentleman there who was a Vietnam War vet, Special Forces, already retired, but he liked to get out of the house and work in the warehouse. I adored this gentleman. He was no-nonsense, joked a lot, and was the older statesman in the warehouse. He didn't have rank, but he held rank. He had this ability to make us listen, provided insight, gave feedback, and became someone I gleaned things from.
But for the most part, I had to figure it out, and I made mistakes along the way. The good thing was that I was so shy and introverted that I didn't get into trouble, which protected me from going to jail and doing dumb shit. Over time, I pieced together what a man was. Most of the people I was closest to were women. I have a deep respect and regard for women. I felt most comfortable around women because of the arts, writing, drawing, and soft skills. I learned a lot of what I needed about life through women. I think that’s a big reason why women choose to train in my classes—I understand that dynamic.
Then I got into Jiu-Jitsu. Jiu-Jitsu helped me figure out quite a bit. I used to be uncomfortable in my own skin, uncomfortable addressing conflict, and didn't have a strong voice. Jiu-Jitsu highlighted what I wanted for myself. It allowed me to become emotionally responsible and regulated, giving me a deep confidence I didn't have before. I served in the military and worked in warehouses, but it wasn't until Jiu-Jitsu that I felt comfortable. Jiu-Jitsu gave me a foundation of physical skill to fall back on. If I speak up and something happens, I know I have the tools to handle it.
More young men need this art so they have something real to fall back on, rather than letting ego elicit a response out of anger. At 45, I don't care where I go. That doesn't mean I look for fights, but if I walk into a gym or have a difficult conversation with an employee, I feel confident. I don't shy away from hard conversations with friends or management. I will not allow people to disrespect me or speak ill of me, and I won't accept bullying of others.
Years ago, before COVID, my wife and I went to Vons. I heard a man in a car berating a Muslim woman who was asking for change. A Black gentleman stepped in to defend her and told the driver to back off. The driver started shouting racist remarks at the gentleman. The old version of me would have walked away to avoid confrontation. I don't want drama, but I closed my car door, told my wife to watch, and resolved that if this turned ugly, I was stepping in. I stayed calm. Fortunately, the driver drove off, the gentleman checked on the woman, and everyone walked away safely. But having the quiet resolve to protect someone if needed was one of the most peaceful feelings I’ve experienced regarding conflict.
A couple of years ago at work, someone disrespected me on an email thread. We called a meeting, went into an office, and hashed it out verbally. I stated my case and did not back down. Another time, an employee was being bullied by a supervisor, and I stepped in and handled it. Jiu-Jitsu built that foundation. I’m incredibly mellow, and that calmness isn’t a mask—it comes from having trained for 15 years and doing the internal emotional work.
When young men haven't built anything, their egos are easily tripped. Someone calls them a bitch or a name, and they get activated because their name is all they have to defend. At 45, after building my foundation through Jiu-Jitsu, names don't bother me. I know what I've built. That capability also brings responsibility. There are bullies, abusers, and predators in the Jiu-Jitsu community who use these physical skills inappropriately. We need to push those people out. Instructors have to step up, set strict expectations, and build environments that protect women, children, and beginners.
Leadership is lonely. There will be days when you must stand up for what is right in your gym, workplace, or family, even when it's unpopular. When you see bullying or inappropriate comments, stamp them out immediately. We need to do better as men. Jiu-Jitsu gives us the framework to regulate ourselves, check our ego, and protect the vulnerable.
