In this episode, we dive deep into the concept of time and how it affects our lives. Time seems to speed up as we get older and it feels like there's never enough time to accomplish everything we want.

Societal pressures and expectations around sex can make us feel like we're running out of time or that we're somehow "late to the game." I share about my own journey with sex, from feeling pressured to have it at a young age to realizing that it's okay to wait until you're ready and comfortable.

Let's challenge the idea that there's a right or wrong time to have sex, everyone's journey is unique and valid. There are societal constructs around virginity and the pressure to conform to certain timelines, but it is so important to embrace our individual experiences and desires.It's never too late to explore your desires and connect with your partner. We have the power to shape our own experiences, it's never too late to prioritize our well-being and happiness.

Connect with Jess

Website: www.lovealwaysjess.com/getstarted

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/love.always.jess

Hello, hello, hello!

2

When you are sitting down to listen

to this episode, it is already

3

going to be May, and I am just

mind blown at how we are already

4

in the fifth month of the year.

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With so much that has happened,

in what I feel, is a short window.

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I don't know about you, but as I get

older, I feel like time just passes by

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faster, and that there's all these things

that I want to get accomplished, all

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these things that I want to get done.

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But I feel as if time goes

faster, and there's not enough

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time in the day to get it done.

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And I sit here and I go, what

the hell am I going to do?

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And maybe it means I need

better time management skills.

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Maybe, honestly, it really means that I

just need to stop scrolling on the phone.

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Um, it's definitely something I've

been thinking about a lot lately, about

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Giving up social media, figuring out

what it is that really is my priority

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and how I want to structure my day.

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One of the things I switched

recently was I am waking up

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at 4am and going to the gym.

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And then going to the sauna after, and

then I get back home around like 8,

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830 and I go right into work, which is

honestly been so nice because previously

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I was going to the gym at 8 o'clock

at night, which meant that I'd get

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off work and then I'd maybe, if I was

lucky, have 30 minutes to To myself

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before having to get in the car and go

to the gym and I get done at the gym

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and I'd want to eat and I'd be eating

at like 10 o'clock at night and then

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I wouldn't want to go to bed right

away because I'd still have to shower.

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I want to let food digest and

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That would put me to bed like

midnight, one o'clock in the morning.

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And I'd sleep until eight, eight 30

and get up and go straight to work.

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And then my day really was just

consumed with work and working out,

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which not the end of the world,

but there are things that I want

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to do outside of work and the gym.

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And so I decided to work on switching

up my habits, changing things into

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a pattern that makes sense for me.

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Prior to the pandemic, I was really a

morning person and I'd get up at 4 go to

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the gym, start my morning, go into work,

and then I'd have all evening to myself.

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And then I'd be to bed

around nine o'clock.

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And so getting back into that routine

feels natural to me, but there are

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still other things that I need to figure

out with my daily routine in order to

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feel like I'm using my time wisely.

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Now you might be asking yourself, Jessica,

what does this have to do with sex?

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It does and it doesn't.

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The whole point of it is There is a

certain amount of time within a day,

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that doesn't change, and then there

is a certain amount of time within

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a week, within a month, within a

year, and time just continues to tick

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away, and we can't do anything about

it, we don't get that time back.

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And I think what happens is,

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we might feel at times

like we, Waste our time.

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Sure, I sit on social media and scroll.

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I shouldn't do it.

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I can feel a headache forming

sometimes when I spend way

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too much time on my phone.

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I feel as if I was lazy,

wasted my day, whatever.

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Are there benefits to social media?

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Yes, but I grew up in the generation

that had a life before technology

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and then a life after technology.

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And so I've experienced both.

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And I think there's this mindset that,

life before technology was better?

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Like people actually did stuff.

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You know, you hear the boomers

say, oh, these kids, they, you

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know, can't take their face out

of a phone or anything like that.

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And I think there's pros and cons to both.

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But again, not the point.

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The point is, is that when we start to

think and look back at our lives and

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we think about the things that we've

wanted to accomplish and also want to

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accomplish in the future, and we don't

see those things having happened, we

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get stuck in our mind of it's too late.

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I'm already in my 30s.

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I'm in my 40s.

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For some people in your 20s.

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I mean, I remember thinking when

I was in my late 20s, like, Oh

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my gosh, time has just gone by,

what am I doing with my life?

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And really at the end of the day,

time is just a measurement, age is

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just a measurement, the years that

tick by, the minutes, the hours,

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it's just a measurement of the earth

spinning, the universe, the sun, etc.

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It doesn't get to define Where

we're at and what we've accomplished

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because time is just that, a

thing, and there are no rules.

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On , what you need to

accomplish, what you need to have

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succeeded at by a certain age.

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The world around us is constantly changing

and it's changing at an even faster pace.

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Now that we have technology.

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Right now, the biggest thing is

influencer and the reach that

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they have to their audiences.

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When a decade ago.

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It was television and magazines

telling us what we needed to

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do, models, celebrities, etc.

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And now these celebrities are these

influencers who are on social media,

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TikTok, Instagram, but that doesn't mean

that they're The epitome of success.

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That doesn't mean that their life is

100 percent accomplished because things

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are going to change in five years.

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Things are going to change in 10 years.

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And so when we base success off

of, well, they hit a million

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dollars at age 26, they've made it.

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Cool.

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That doesn't mean that that's

where they're going to be.

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10, 20 years down the road.

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I mean, we always hear about celebrities

who had fame when they were younger, or

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athletes who come out of college and stuff

who get thrust into the limelight and

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make tons of money squander it because

they aren't taught what to do and they

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aren't taught the longevity of things.

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And I think it's important to realize that

When it comes to our sexual lives, when

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it comes to our body and our intimacy and

the relationship with ourselves and with

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our partners, there is longevity to that.

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There isn't a quote unquote like timeline.

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We feel the pressure, maybe as women

we do, we have a biological time

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clock that tells us we can't have

children after a certain age, and

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the medical field has an age where

you automatically go from a regular

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pregnancy to a geriatric pregnancy.

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But there is also so much advancement

in the medical field that women

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in their 40s are having babies.

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So when it comes to sex, and when it

comes to relationship and intimacy

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with our bodies and our partners

and ourselves, it isn't too late.

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I think back to my 20s.

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I graduated from college in 2010, and

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I had my first relationship

that same year.

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And in that relationship, I didn't

trust my partner and really myself.

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So we never had sex.

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There was like a boundary and something

that I wasn't willing to cross.

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And I was certainly made fun of

because here I am, 21 years old, about

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to turn 22, and hadn't had sex yet.

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Had just had my first kiss.

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And in a way, I felt like

I was late to the game.

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Fast forward a couple of years, I

was single, still hadn't had sex.

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Here I am, 24, 25, hanging

out with these younger kids.

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And when I say younger kids, I was 24, 25.

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I was hanging out with 18, 19, 20

year olds who were still in college

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and talking with them about sex.

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Many of them had lost their virginity.

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If we go based on that, I know it's

a weird construct to talk about.

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Virginity is a made up thing, but that's

what society kind of recognizes as ads.

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So talking to these, you know, 18, 19,

20 year olds, and a lot of them had sex

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for the first time when they were 13, 14.

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And a lot of them sat there and told

me that they actually admired the fact

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that I hadn't had sex because they

wished that they would have waited.

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They wished that They wouldn't have

had sex, A, with the partner that

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they were with when they did it, and

B, at such a young age, because they

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didn't know what they were doing,

and so it wasn't very pleasurable.

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It was definitely a very eye opening

moment for me, because I definitely

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did get made fun of for not wanting

to have sex right away, not trusting

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the partner that I had been with.

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You know, my family members joked about

how I would be a 40 year old virgin and

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that I'd have cobwebs up there and that

they'd have to hire a prostitute to have

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sex with me because I wasn't going to have

sex with just anybody and You know, I saw

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my siblings having sex before I had sex.

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And at some point I did feel

like I was late to the game.

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But then having these conversations

with these women made me realize

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that I wasn't late to the game.

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I just wasn't in the game.

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the right state of mind to have sex.

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And when I say right state of mind, I

don't mean that there is a right or wrong.

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But for me personally,

I didn't trust anybody.

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Yeah, I had sexual desires and I

wanted to have sex with people.

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But at the same time, I was like, I

don't want just a one night stand.

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I don't want to fling.

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I don't want To just randomly have sex

with somebody and it not mean something.

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And I think for a couple of years there,

since I went to a Christian college,

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there was a part of me that was thinking

I'd be a virgin until I was married.

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But then as I got older, That idea and

that concept changed in my head because

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I was like, It's not that I don't want to

wait till marriage, I just want to wait

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until I feel comfortable with the person.

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And hanging out with a guy for

a couple of weeks at a bar isn't

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going to make me comfortable.

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Like I want to get to know them, I want

to have more depth to our relationship.

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Then I turned 26 and I met a man and

a year later we ended up having sex.

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So I was two weeks shy of my 27th

birthday, um, and it felt right.

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It took a little bit of time.

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For him to feel comfortable with

the idea because he was like,

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I'm going to be your first.

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This is a lot of pressure.

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And I was like, Hey, like, look,

I'm not a high schooler who's

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like, you're the love of my life.

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I'm going to marry you.

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but at one point we both felt

comfortable with the idea and we had sex.

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And

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to me, it felt like the right moment.

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It didn't feel comfortable.

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It didn't feel too early, it didn't feel

too late, and the idea of society putting

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this pressure on people at you should have

had sex by the time you go to college.

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I mean, we hear about it.

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We hear about the stories of guy and

girlfriends who Are like, well I'm

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still a virgin and we're going to

college next year or in a couple months.

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Like, let's just have sex and get

it over with so that we're not

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virgins when we go to college.

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And you hear about people in college

having sex for the first time.

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And there's just so many different

Paths and directions and stories

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and ideas and pressures and

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constructs and rules about what it is

that you should be doing by a certain age,

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what it is that you shouldn't be doing.

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You need to wait till you're married.

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You shouldn't be having sex at

13 and all this kind of stuff.

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And like, while I agree that kids

sometimes can have sex at too young

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of an age, there's this idea of,

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Sex is a forbidden thing

within our country.

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We don't talk about it.

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And so when we hide it, people seek it.

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It's just like saying,

don't push this red button.

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And what is everybody,

everybody going to want to do?

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Push the red button.

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So when we have all these arbitrary

rules of what you can and can't do,

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it's going to make people want to

do it and it's going to make people

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feel weird and odd and like they're

wrong for not having done it yet.

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You know, we see it in all

different parts of society.

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We see the older generations who are

saying to the younger generations,

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because you buy avocado toast, you're

not going to be able to own a house.

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You know, like, they have put the

idea of success and the idea of

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making it on purchasing a house.

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But what they don't see is that

the state of the economy prevents

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people from buying a house.

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And so when we put these ideas on

sex and we're like, hey, like, you

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have to wait until marriage or You're

gonna go to college, and you're

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gonna have sex, and you're gonna be

tempted, and all this kind of stuff.

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But then we don't tell people that,

hey, it's okay if you do have sex,

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and it's okay if you don't have sex.

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We put this, like, pressure and this

boiling point inside people's heads,

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where they're like, I don't know what

is right, and I feel weird, and I feel

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odd, and I feel guilty, and I feel

like I'm wrong, and that I'm lame,

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and I'm a loser, and I haven't, you

know, like, I don't know what is right.

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My family shouldn't have told me that

they had to hire a prostitute in order

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to have sex with me because I was way

too, I would get too old where nobody

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else would want to have sex with me.

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Like, that's just wrong.

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And like, it puts pressure on you because

you're like, but I don't fucking want

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to go and have sex with a random person.

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But also, like, I need to have

sex in order to be valuable.

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Like, what?

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This is weird.

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I don't understand.

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And, like, I know my family was

just joking, but also, like, Really?

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Like, just because I'm a late bloomer

doesn't mean that I'm wrong and

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that I'm never going to have sex

because I'm 25 and haven't had sex.

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So, like, there's this concept of

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It's too late or it's

never going to happen.

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And I don't just mean in

having sex for the first time.

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I mean in having good sex, or if you

were married and you're recently divorced

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and you're finding yourself in the

dating pool and then you're like, my

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body, I'm older, my body has changed

and I'm not as desirable as before.

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And I was like, that's not true at all.

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Okay.

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You're just as beautiful, if not

more beautiful, because you've

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aged, and aging is beauty.

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Our bodies are naturally meant

to go through these processes of

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growing up and life experiences.

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And one of the biggest things is women

tend to reach their of sexual desire

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in their later years, in their 40s.

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Because honestly, part of it I think

has to do with the fact that we don't

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give a fuck anymore what society thinks.

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Because when we're younger, we're so

focused on having to be prim and proper,

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like dressed to the nines, makeup done,

hair done, nails done, waxed and shaved

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and all these beauty standards that

prevent us from actually looking at our

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body and seeing how beautiful it is.

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So when we get to our 40s, if we've had

children or just had life experience,

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then we're just like, fuck it.

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I don't care.

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He can take me the way that

I am, or he doesn't get me.

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He doesn't deserve me.

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We just learn to look at

our bodies differently.

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We learn to say, Hey, You're beautiful.

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I don't need to pluck you.

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I don't need to cover you up.

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You birthed two, three,

four beautiful babies.

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You have stretch marks from

gaining weight and losing weight.

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You went through a difficult time in

life and put on a few extra pounds.

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That's okay.

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You're still worthy of desire.

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And so, if your partner wants to

be with you, They get to love you

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for who you are 100%, and if they

don't want to, that's their loss.

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But it doesn't mean that

it's too late for you.

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It doesn't mean that you're a

lost cause just because you're

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older and your body has changed.

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Or maybe you and your partner have gone

some really difficult moments lately, and

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you're like, hey, we haven't connected.

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Physically, or mentally, or emotionally,

in any area of our relationship

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lately, and I want that back.

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And maybe, deep down inside

you're feeling like it's too

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late, like, what's the point?

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We've already gone a year without

having sex, or longer, or maybe shorter.

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We haven't had a date night in a few

months, or we haven't sat down and checked

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in with each other to see how we're doing.

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And so you might be feeling like, it's too

late to make this happen, to correct this.

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I might as well just put

myself out of my misery.

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That doesn't mean that it's too late.

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At the end of the day, time

is going to continue going.

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And we get to decide, do we

let things go on this way?

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Or do we find a way to change this?

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I was going to the gym

at 8 o'clock at night.

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I loved the instructors.

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I loved the classes.

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I didn't want to give that up, but I also

knew that it wasn't sustaining my life.

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I didn't have the free time that I wanted.

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I was sleeping in because I was going

to bed later and I didn't like that.

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I didn't have my evenings free.

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If I wanted to go hang out

with my friends, it meant

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that I had to give up the gym.

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And so I decided to make a decision.

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And I said, you know what?

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I love the morning instructor

and I love the morning classes.

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They're different than the

evening ones, but I still love

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them, so I'm going to change.

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And you get to decide that too.

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You get to decide, what do

I want my life to look like?

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And I don't have to tell myself

that it's too late to get there.

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In fact, I want you to stop telling

yourself it's too late to get there.

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It's not too late to learn your body.

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It's not, it's not too late to ask

yourself, how do I like to be touched?

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What areas of my body love being kissed

on or sucked on or touched or tickled?

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Or do I need a massage?

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Do I need my partner to give

me a quick massage on my feet?

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What turns me on?

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Do I enjoy playing with myself?

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Or do I prefer having sex with my partner?

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Do I like both?

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It's also not too late to ask yourself.

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What about my partner's body do I love and

how can I give them pleasure to the point

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to where they love Receiving pleasure.

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What do they enjoy about their bodies?

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I get to learn them

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and the other beautiful thing about having

this mindset that it's not too late is

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that we get to realize that we get to

change What we liked doing with our bodies

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5, 10, 15 years ago is not going to be

the same as what we like doing today.

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Our bodies are going to feel different.

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We're going to have injuries.

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We're going to have different

life experiences that teach

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us different things about us.

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And you get to continue to explore

and learn and understand and

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create and accomplish different things.

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Thanks.

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And there's no like, end point.

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So like, maybe you're

going through something.

328

And sex really isn't something that

you want to be doing right now, because

329

you're just too emotionally focused on

whatever it is you're going through.

330

And that's okay.

331

You get to say, hey, you know what?

332

We're going to table sex.

333

I'd love to connect with my partner

on different levels, emotionally,

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intimately, in different ways, but

right now I don't want to be having sex.

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But that doesn't mean that it's the end,

it just means right now it's on hold.

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And that when you do return to

having sex, if you return to

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having sex, it's not too late!

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I think we get stuck in this rut

of, well I'm here, I can't change

339

it, so I'm just gonna keep doing it.

340

And then we get bored, or

we get resentful, or we feel

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out of our body in a not good way.

342

And so we, we just continue these

patterns of, well, I already feel

343

this way, so it can't get worse.

344

So let me just continue feeling this way.

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It's like, no, pause, hold on.

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You should never feel less than,

you should never feel shitty.

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You should never want

348

to remain where you are because it's okay.

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You deserve better than okay.

350

Yeah, life is gonna have its okay

moments, but you shouldn't sit in

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that just because, just because you're

fearful or Uncom like, uncomfortable

352

when you step outside of okay.

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You deserve great, you deserve

excellent, you deserve to have

354

what it is that you want to have.

355

And yeah, it's gonna take work sometimes.

356

It's not going to always come easy,

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but that's the thing that

we have to remember is

358

in order to get where we want to

go, we have to put in the work.

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I have goals.

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I have dreams.

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I have things that I want to accomplish

362

and realizing that going to the

gym at eight o'clock at night,

363

isn't helping me accomplish that.

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So I need to get up at

four in the morning.

365

For some people, they might be laughing

at that and being like, you're crazy.

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But for me, in order to go after

what I want, that's what I need.

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And it's hard.

368

I don't like being up at four in

the morning sometimes, but I do

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it because at the end of the day,

it does feel good in my body.

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So if you're sitting here and you're

thinking, it's too late for me, I can't

371

do X, Y, and Z because of my age, the

way I look, the time it's gonna take.

372

I'm already at, like, my wit's end.

373

My partner and I haven't

connected in years.

374

It's too late.

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I want you to stop, and I want

you to think, what is one thing

376

you can do today to change that?

377

And it, it can't be, I

need to change my partner.

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I need to change the environment I'm in.

379

Because sometimes, there are

things that are out of our control.

380

It needs to be something you can

physically change yourself, right now.

381

It doesn't have to be as extreme as

me getting up at 4 in the morning.

382

But maybe you turn to your partner,

and You give them a goodnight kiss.

383

Maybe you hug them.

384

Maybe you begin physical

intimate touch or physical

385

presence or maybe you start to

use words of affirmation or doing

386

things for them because you know

that it'll make them feel better.

387

Or maybe you begin to explore your body

on your own and you start to fall in

388

love with your body all over again and

you realize that your body is not how it

389

was when you were 15, 19, 25 years old.

390

And you say, that's okay, you are who

you are right now, because our life

391

experiences have brought us here, and

I'm okay with that, and I love you

392

for that, and it might take a little

bit of time, and you're gonna have

393

your good days and your bad days,

when we start with what we want today.

394

It means that we actually get

closer to accomplishing what it

395

is that we want to accomplish.

396

And we no longer have the story

in our head of, it's too late.

397

Because anything is possible.

398

You're not too old.

399

You're not too unnoticeable.

400

Anything is possible.

401

So starting today, no longer allow

yourself the narrative of, it's too late.

402

It's not too late.

403

As long as you have

two feet on the ground.

404

Air in your lungs, and a heart that's

beating, you can continue forward,

405

however that looks like in your life.

406

So remember,

407

it is not too late.

408

Create and build the life that you desire.

409

I wish you a slow rest of the year, and

all the good feelings when it comes to

410

chasing after the dreams that you like.

411

I love you.

412

Talk to you later.