Transcripts
We have spent time exploring who we are, what we’re made of, and how we got to be made
Speaker:that way.
Speaker:But even once we have gained great self-awareness and are conscious of how we work at the every
Speaker:level, does that mean we never experience any discomfort, stress, or adversity in life?
Speaker:Of course not!
Speaker:In this final chapter, we’re looking at ways to use self-therapy not simply to deepen
Speaker:our self-knowledge, but also to tackle more singular problems that emerge in everyday
Speaker:life.
Speaker:No matter how well adjusted we are, we will all encounter stress, disappointment, loss,
Speaker:or even trauma.
Speaker:Genuine resilience comes from knowing how to manage and cope.
Speaker:In CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy), the focus is on becoming aware of and changing
Speaker:negative or unhelpful beliefs, as we saw in the first chapter.
Speaker:But sometimes, this can be extremely difficult to do.
Speaker:If you’re stuck in the middle of a crisis or dealing with something who is extremely
Speaker:challenging, you’re not likely to have the presence of mind to sit down with a journal
Speaker:and rationally pick through your thoughts!
Speaker:But what we can do at crisis points like this is use a technique from ACT, or acceptance
Speaker:and commitment therapy.
Speaker:It’s a process called “cognitive defusion,” and it’s essentially a way to let go of
Speaker:internal resistance or struggle.
Speaker:With CBT, we might actively engage a faulty or distorted belief and work with it; with
Speaker:cognitive defusion, we don’t engage with it at all—we simply find ways to accept,
Speaker:release, and let go of the struggle that tells us:
Speaker:“This is a problem!
Speaker:I hate this!
Speaker:It has to stop.”
Speaker:Cognitive defusion, which was first called cognitive distancing by Dr. Aaron Beck, the
Speaker:founder of cognitive therapy, is a way that we can choose how to relate to our thoughts
Speaker:and feelings in different situations.
Speaker:The key insight of cognitive defusion is that we can have emotions and thoughts without
Speaker:necessarily reacting to them.
Speaker:To understand how it all works, let’s consider what Beck understood as cognitive fusion—i.e.,
Speaker:being fused with your emotional and experiential perception.
Speaker:In this state of mind, your thoughts and your direct experiences get so mixed up that you
Speaker:can’t tell them apart.
Speaker:A big part of what makes us human is our constant appraisal, interpretation, and reaction to
Speaker:reality around it, filtered through our unique perspectives.
Speaker:We take our experiences and put them into groups, break them down, judge them, compare
Speaker:them to others, and formulate expectations and conclusions.
Speaker:All of these mental processes, however, contribute to fusion—the state of being completely
Speaker:identified and bonded with our experiences.
Speaker:This is what the mind does naturally, and it is a good way to solve most problems.
Speaker:In fact, our cognitive abilities can sometimes lead to the desirable and satisfying state
Speaker:of flow, in which there is no difference between the self and an interesting, challenging task.
Speaker:Our collective achievements in science, technology, and the arts are based on this form of thinking.
Speaker:But often, these labels and judgments are negative and global, like "I'm worthless.
Speaker:I'm a failure," "He's selfish," or "They're mean."
Speaker:Then, these judgments are no longer thoughts we are having or feelings we are temporarily
Speaker:experiencing—they become a part of us.
Speaker:They come to define us and our experience.
Speaker:A simple example will illustrate.
Speaker:Remember Jamie, whose bipolar-style mood swings stemmed from a deep sense of his own inadequacy?
Speaker:When Jamie is experiencing a high, he is totally fused with that feeling of elation.
Speaker:He is that euphoria.
Speaker:He loses all perspective and dives deep into that feeling.
Speaker:Similarly, when he is down in the dumps, he is so identified with that feeling that he
Speaker:completely forgets how he felt just a week ago.
Speaker:He doesn’t say, “I’m feeling pretty depressed at the moment,” but rather, “I’m
Speaker:a depressed person.
Speaker:The world is nothing but despair, and I’m a total failure."
Speaker:See the difference?
Fused:we are totally subsumed, identified, and fused with our thoughts and feelings.
Defused:the thoughts and feelings are there, but they do not completely define us or our
Defused:situation forever.
Defused:Jamie often rode a hellish rollercoaster of emotions because he was firmly fused with
Defused:those emotions.
Defused:It’s like being chained to that rollercoaster car, dragged along with every rise and fall.
Defused:But being defused is more like watching the rollercoaster car from somewhere far removed,
Defused:safely on the ground.
Defused:You can see that your emotions are rising and falling, but that doesn’t mean you have
Defused:to completely surrender and go along with them.
Defused:This is where the ACT notion of acceptance comes in.
Defused:When we push against and resist a particular thought or feeling, we are fused with it as
Defused:when we grasp hold of it.
Defused:For example, if Jamie notices a dark mood beginning to creep over him, and he unconsciously
Defused:says, “No, no, no, a depression is coming.
Defused:This is bad thing!” he is just as embroiled with that sensation, just as powerless, as
Defused:when he decides to prolong any “good” feelings that come his way.
Defused:This is important—Defusion is not the same as resistance.
Defused:Rather, resistance and clinging are both forms of fusion, two sides of the same coin.
Defused:So what does defusion look like?
Defused:Does it mean we have to be bland, empty, emotionless?
Defused:Not at all.
Defused:We have all the same reactions, knee-jerk responses, and spontaneous feelings and thoughts
Defused:as we always do.
Defused:But when we are defused, we understand thoughts as thoughts.
Defused:We see feelings as feelings.
Defused:We understand that even though we are scared or angry or sad, it doesn’t mean that we
Defused:will always feel that way.
Defused:We also understand that just because we experience something, it doesn’t mean we are compelled
Defused:to act.
Defused:This is truly liberating—feelings and thoughts are just that.
Defused:Feelings and thoughts.
Defused:That’s all.
Defused:Just temporary electrochemical activity in the brain.
Defused:Just a momentary ripple in the pond.
Defused:They are nothing unless we choose to fuse with them and allow ourselves to be compelled
Defused:by them.
Defused:ACT reminds us that we have that choice.
Defused:Using the ACT model, we can deliberately practice defusing from our emotions and thoughts.
Defused:Importantly, we are not getting rid of them (remember, resistance is just another form
Defused:of fusion), but rather changing our relationship to them.
Defused:Here are four key techniques to try the next time you are feeling overwhelmed by negative
Defused:emotions.
:Distancing
Think of fusion and defusion in terms of distance:
:too “close” and we are fused, but with
Think of fusion and defusion in terms of distance:
:a little distance, we can gain perspective and some breathing room.
Think of fusion and defusion in terms of distance:
:We are not the same thing as our thoughts and feelings.
Think of fusion and defusion in terms of distance:
:There is a little gap between them and us.
Think of fusion and defusion in terms of distance:
:If we take on an observer role, we are no longer in the active player role, and we automatically
Think of fusion and defusion in terms of distance:
:create some psychological distance.
Think of fusion and defusion in terms of distance:
:How do we create that distance?
Think of fusion and defusion in terms of distance:
:There are many ways, but try the following:
Think of fusion and defusion in terms of distance:
:1.
Think of fusion and defusion in terms of distance:
:Just pause and become aware
Think of fusion and defusion in terms of distance:
:2.
Think of fusion and defusion in terms of distance:
:Zoom in on a negative or overwhelming thought or emotion
Think of fusion and defusion in terms of distance:
:3.
Think of fusion and defusion in terms of distance:
:Try to get a sense of how “close” you currently are.
Think of fusion and defusion in terms of distance:
:Do you fully believe the story that you are telling yourself?
Think of fusion and defusion in terms of distance:
:Are you immersed in it?
Think of fusion and defusion in terms of distance:
:4.
Think of fusion and defusion in terms of distance:
:Add some distance.
Think of fusion and defusion in terms of distance:
:You could use language, for example, by saying, “My brain is having the thought that ... ” or,
Think of fusion and defusion in terms of distance:
:“There is a feeling happening right now ... ” Additionally, instead of saying, “I’m
Think of fusion and defusion in terms of distance:
:a failure,” you gain distance by saying, “My brain is having the thought that I’m
Think of fusion and defusion in terms of distance:
:a failure right now."
Think of fusion and defusion in terms of distance:
:5.
Think of fusion and defusion in terms of distance:
:Adding “today” or “right now” adds some temporal distance—i.e., you phrase
Think of fusion and defusion in terms of distance:
:things so that the current phenomenon is understood to be temporary.
Think of fusion and defusion in terms of distance:
:Instead of, “I’m struggling,” you can say, “I’m struggling at the moment."
Think of fusion and defusion in terms of distance:
:This adds some distance because it implies there will be a time when this emotion or
Think of fusion and defusion in terms of distance:
:thought will stop.
Think of fusion and defusion in terms of distance:
:6.
Think of fusion and defusion in terms of distance:
:Use visualization and imagine the thought or feeling as a picture, symbol, or even a
Think of fusion and defusion in terms of distance:
:little cartoon character.
Think of fusion and defusion in terms of distance:
:Maybe you see your anxiety as a literal brick wall that spells out the letters ANXIETY.
Think of fusion and defusion in terms of distance:
:Or maybe you picture your critical inner voice as a nagging little insect that’s following
Think of fusion and defusion in terms of distance:
:you around, speaking in a squeaky voice.
Think of fusion and defusion in terms of distance:
:So, for Jamie, when he notices that he’s sinking into a depression again, he doesn’t
Think of fusion and defusion in terms of distance:
:resist, nor does he sink down immediately with that feeling.
Think of fusion and defusion in terms of distance:
:Instead, he tries to stand outside that feeling, adopting the perspective of someone who is
Think of fusion and defusion in terms of distance:
:watching the event unfold.
Think of fusion and defusion in terms of distance:
:“Oh, I can feel that my mood is dropping a little today."
Think of fusion and defusion in terms of distance:
:Even saying “my mood” is dropping rather than “I” am feeling depressed creates
Think of fusion and defusion in terms of distance:
:a sense of distance.
Think of fusion and defusion in terms of distance:
:The depressed mood may still come, and it may be as strong as ever, only now Jamie is
Think of fusion and defusion in terms of distance:
:outside that storm rather than right at its center.
:Labeling
:When we are fused with a thought, it seeps into everything and feels exactly identical
:to reality.
:We may not know what we are experiencing, only that we are experiencing.
:However, when we put a label on something, we can immediately see that it is something
:that has a reality outside of us and that it is just a “thing."
:Have you ever noticed how thoughts and feelings seem so big and intimidating, and yet, once
:you share them verbally with someone else, they seem so much smaller somehow?
:This is the power of labeling at work.
:How to label:
:1.
:Simply describe what is happening.
:Slow down, become aware, and try to just describe what you’re perceiving—without judgment
:or evaluation.
:Consult your five senses and see what data they are sending you.
:Jamie may pause one afternoon and think, “I notice a light, fluttery feeling in my stomach.
:My jaw feels tight.
:I seem to be moving around very quickly.
:I can hear the sound of my own voice, and it’s higher pitched than normal.”
:2.
:Once you’ve done this, you may also find yourself describing actions and events, i.e.,
:how you are engaging with the stimuli around you.
:“My mind is noticing a fluttery feeling in my stomach.
:My mind is telling me a story about what that means.
:I notice I’m having a memory about this feeling from the past.
:I notice I’m thinking of my father ... ”
:If you have been practicing becoming aware in this way for some time, you might recognize
:old patterns and habits, and you may even be able to say things like, “I can see that
:I’m catastrophizing again,” or, “I am having a cognitive distortion."
:You might be surprised to find just how repetitive your most stressful and unpleasant thoughts
:really are, and that if you only pay attention, many times it’s exactly the same old thought
:popping up that you’ve had before.
:This can be an interesting realization—that you are not responding spontaneously to the
:situation in the present, but have merely been triggered by something, and you run off
:along the same mental track that you habitually do.
:It can be quite the insight to realize that how you’re feeling actually has nothing
:to do with the situation you thought it did, but is more accurately an old script from
:the past that’s playing out yet again.
:Leaves on a stream meditation
:Gaining psychological distance and giving labels to your experiences are things you
:do “in the heat of the moment."
:The following technique can be used in this way, too, but it’s also a great daily practice
:that will flex your defusion muscles and help you master the ability to step outside of
:your perspective when you’re feeling overwhelmed.
:You can do this any time.
:It’s simple to do.
:1.
:As with any mindfulness or meditative practice, sit somewhere comfortable where you won’t
:be disturbed, close your eyes, and spend a moment becoming aware of your breath.
:2.
:In your mind’s eye, picture that you are sitting beside a peaceful flowing stream in
:a lovely forest.
:If it’s easier, open your eyes and rest your gaze softly on some fixed point while
:you imagine this.
:3.
:Now, imagine that your mind is also like this stream, and it is flowing along with it.
:You will notice that as your mind flows, thoughts and feelings and perceptions pop up automatically.
:With a calm, detached attitude, have a look at each one as it appears.
:Now, pick up a leaf from the forest floor, imagine placing your thought on this leaf,
:and then float the leaf on the stream and watch as it carries the thought gently away,
:out of your sight.
:4.
:Another thought will pop up.
:It doesn’t matter if it’s a “good” thought or a “bad” one.
:It could be a thought, a feeling, or something neutral like, “I wonder if I’m doing the
:exercise right?"
:Look at these just the same and put each one on its own leaf and send it down the stream.
:Even if you think, “There are too many thoughts!
:Gah, I can’t keep up!” then guess what?
:That’s also a thought.
:Onto a leaf it goes ...
:5.
:The stream goes at its own fixed pace.
:Nothing speeds up or slows down.
:You are not trying to get rid of a thought, and you’re not holding on to it, wishing
:to keep it for a little longer.
:They just come and go at the pace of the river’s flow.
:6.
:Some thoughts might get “stuck,” or they may seem to pop up again and again.
:That’s okay.
:You might imagine that it swirls around a little on an eddy or gets snagged on the riverbank.
:Gently nudge it so it flows again.
:Watch as it goes until you can’t see it anymore.
:Give each thought its proper due and then let it go.
:7.
:You may occasionally get sidetracked and distracted by a thought and forget the exercise you’re
:doing.
:No matter!
:The moment you’re aware, come back to it.
:Even if you feel irritated or upset by the detour, place that on a leaf—no matter how
:big or small a feeling, it will fit comfortably on a leaf, and it will pass.
:Practice this exercise daily and you will be surprised at how you can change your own
:relationship to the thoughts that pop into your mind.
:Jamie does this for a few weeks and finds that he is less reactive, less “up and down."
:One day, he notices that something that ordinarily would have triggered him just seems to sit
:there, and he watches it, non-reactive.
:He thinks, “Oh, there’s that trigger again.
:I guess I could follow it and go all along that same old path as I always do.
:But I think instead I’ll just watch it.
:It will go before too long."
